This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning everybody. Nice to see you all here on a sunny Saturday morning in San Francisco. So my name is Siobhan Cassidy. And I've been practicing at San Francisco Zen Center since 2000. And it's really kind of an honor being invited by David to give the talk on the day of the second Women's March. And if I wasn't giving this talk, I would be out there marching. But instead, I'm here with you. So we're marching together internally. Thank you. It's true. The march doesn't start until 11.30, so we can all go and join the march afterwards.

[01:02]

So I'm sure that there are probably some people who are here for the first time, and I wanted to welcome you to San Francisco Zen Center, and also the people who are online. We live stream these talks on Saturdays, so for the people near and far, some probably up the road, maybe, having a cup of tea and watching this talk in bed and others on other continents, where the day is drawing in and turning tonight. So welcome everyone that isn't here in this room with us today as well. So this whole live streaming idea still seems very revolutionary to me that people can join us from all over the world. The way that things are in our world these days is changing so fast. And as you can probably tell, I'm from the UK. So maybe there's people out there who are in the UK listening to this talk. It's kind of wonderful, really. It's a gift that we can connect in this way. So today is the one-year anniversary of my first talk at Zen Center.

[02:09]

And the reason that I was able to, that I am able to give these talks is because I was invited to serve as Shuso, which is... In this tradition, the shusos is invited by the abbot to be their right hand for a retreat. So it's for a specific amount of time. And all three of our temples have shusos for the practice period, usually. It's not a rule, but usually. And so this time last year... Paul Haller invited me to be Shusso, so I moved back into this building, having moved out of this building eight years previously, I moved back into this building for two months. And I was able to study closely with Paul. And at this point, when you become Shusso, and another way of saying that is to be head student, this is where you begin to teach, and you start giving your first formal Dharma talks, and you serve as a model of practice.

[03:15]

to the community throughout the retreat. So it's really quite an honor to be invited to be in that position and it was a total surprise. But you don't say no, you just say yes, thank you very much. Oh gosh, I hope I do a good job. Another reason that this moment is unique for me is that last year I got to give the talk on International Women's Day. So the fact that today is the second Women's March feels like something's coming full circle. And so I want to take this opportunity to talk about my commitment to the women's movement, to the Dharma, and also to my parents, and how these three things are intimately connected in this being. And of course, I expect all of us in this room are aware of the hashtag MeToo movement, and how over the past several months, the movement has grown. and how day by day change is happening. And you may remember that the first Women's March was in reaction to a particular event.

[04:23]

It was a cry for women to unite, to come together, and for us to be heard and seen. And last year there was a sea of pink hats, boldly proclaiming pride in unity. So I'm kind of curious today to see how many pink hats reappear out on the streets in the United States. So this morning, the second Women's March, it shows that we continue to unite, that women continue to unite. And the movement that was created last year has been galvanized by the Me Too movement. And some of us are finally willing to take risks that seem to be paying off and speaking truth to power. And I'm proud to be able to speak today of my support for women everywhere. I feel like I grew up in the era where we had to proclaim ourselves feminists and somehow that seemed to have some kind of tinge of, I don't know what, it just seemed to have some tinge of something that we shouldn't be proud of.

[05:25]

And we even had to call ourselves that. We even had to kind of proclaim ourselves feminists. But these days, because of the world we live in, it's just like, no, we're women and we're here and we're loud and proud. And I also really appreciate the men in the room because I know that this whole movement has impacted you all in some way. And I want to acknowledge that as well. So last year when I was speaking on International Women's Day, I made a commitment to support women-owned businesses. And I'm reiterating that commitment here today because it feels like the one way that I can support the advancement of women and it gives me a focus on to that intention so I encourage all of us actually to think about how we can support women how can you support women in a way that feels doable for you if we all set an intention to support women in a way that feels right to us we can all make a difference together to the advancement of women so so

[06:33]

Some of you in this room are probably here for the first time, as I said earlier, and it's always kind of quite a moment when you first come to Zen Center. And I thought I might say something about how I stumbled into this practice 20 years ago, because that's always what I'm interested in when I meet people. I'm always like, how did you get here? What are you still doing here? And as you can tell, I'm not even from here, which makes it even more peculiar, really. So I first came across Zen Center in 1998 when I was living in Oakland. And I moved into Zen Center as a resident in 2000. And the way that I came into Zen Center, there's many different routes into Zen Center. My particular entry point was through Tassajara. I did a summer at Tassajara back in 2000. And Tassajara, for those of you that don't know, is our monastery in the Ventana Wilderness. It's the most... Beautiful, magical place. I'm sure many of you have been there. Many of you have lived there.

[07:34]

It's about three hours from here, south of here, and it's inland from Big Sur. Very remote. So I went there in 2000, and here I am 18 years later. And although I'm no longer living at Zen Center, I'm now fortunate enough to work here, and so I still feel very much a part of this community. So when you walk up those imposing... front steps for the first time and enter the front door of 300 Page Street, you never know what's going to happen next. And many people in this room are proof of that fact. So for those of you who are here for the first time, who knows what's going to happen next? So back in 1998, I randomly picked up a book called Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck. And I just happened to pop into the bookstore the other day because I was curious to see if they still had it on their shelves and they do. So I picked up this book and it changed my life.

[08:39]

Each page spoke to me and I realized that there was a context within which my outlook on life made sense. And it happened to have a name and it happened to be called Buddhism. Up until that point, I hadn't realized I was searching for understanding or meaning in my life. I was just going along my life. I was living in San Francisco, living in the Mission, having just kind of like a wonderful unfolding of myself in a different way in the 90s. So there were some questions in my life that were being answered, but the kind of deeper, deeper questions that I was asking myself, I hadn't found a place where those questions were satisfied. You know, like therapy wasn't enough. I wanted to go deeper than that. So I picked up this book, and it gave meaning to the questions that I had. And once my eyes were opened to this way of thinking called Buddhism, I couldn't turn away. I found, and I still find, Charlotte Joko Beck's writing to be so accessible.

[09:48]

Her book is warm and engaging and readable, and she talked about the problems of daily living, love, relationships, fear ambition, suffering all things that I was searching for answers to and for me it really transformed the rest of my life actually the clarity that everyday Zen gave me was realizing that I had a curiosity about life that could be satisfied if I studied Buddhism and that Zen Buddhism in particular seemed to be the form that was on offer it seemed to be the form that had just presented itself to me And so in that moment, I just said yes. I didn't search for different types of Buddhism. As we all know, there's many different lineages, there's many different kinds. But for me, this was it, and this was fine. And that was where I started to make my commitment to studying this particular type of Buddhism, Zen Buddhism. And so what's kept me coming back for the past 18 years...

[10:53]

is my irreversible confidence in the Dharma and the support of Sangha. And by Dharma, for those of you that don't know, I mean the teachings of the Buddha. And by Sangha, I mean the group of people who were drawn to this way of life. And if you look around the room now, this is Sangha. So when I started coming to Zen Center, I had no idea I was stepping into a way of life. One that would support me and keep me growing and learning for 18 years and continually. So practice, you'll hear that word used a lot around here. Particularly when you're new, you hear this word practice. And for me, it was very confusing. I would hear this word practice and I didn't know what people were talking about. Like practice of what? You know, what practice? I spent a while kind of struggling with what people were referring to. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about that word practice, particularly for those of you who are here for the first time or who are new to Zen.

[11:58]

So practice can be interpreted as instruction. You'll be instructed in Zen Buddhism and then you get to practice it. So the foundation of Zen Buddhism is Zazen. And Zazen is the Japanese term for meditation. That's also a word that you will hear used a lot around here. The foundation of Zen Buddhism is Zazen. And it's the starting point for every one of us. It's the place that we begin. It's like Zen Buddhism 101, just sit. Just sit, Zazen. And the wonderful thing about Zen practice is that we all do the same practice. So when you come to any of the Zen centers, in any tradition actually, and you're sitting with people in the Zendo, you will all be sitting in the same way. You will all be sitting facing the walls. Some people might be wearing robes. A lot of people won't. Some people might be wearing different types of robes.

[13:01]

But the practice of sitting will be the same. You sit, you quiet the mind, and you don't move until the bell rings. And so it's kind of like a practice that it's the great leveler in a way. It's the great level. Somebody might be doing something behind you like offering incense and you might be wondering what on earth is going on. But even after that's all happened and the room quietens down, everybody is sitting zazen. So really in many ways it's a very simple practice. We sit still and quietly in order to get to know our own minds. Zen Buddhism is a practice that needs to be experienced. It's not really a concept. or something that you can intellectualize or understand with your brain. The practice of Zen meditation or of Zazen is the heart of the Zen Buddhist experience. And again, it's the place that we all start. And when we practice something, we get better and better at it.

[14:04]

It becomes comfortable, and we know it more, and it becomes familiar. And it's possible to practice by yourself, but it's much easier to practice with others, especially when you're starting out. The support of a group offers encouragement and companionship, even if it's in silence, as it is in Zazen. And often it's the silence that people come for. And yet there's companionship there. You're not having to do it alone. That's the wonder of Sangha. That's the wonder of doing this practice in community. So it's not about talking. It's just about finding companionship in silence and having a shared focus. I'm also guessing that some of us are here because we've been curious about Buddhism for a while, or maybe we're looking for a new way to live our lives or searching for meaning and understanding, as I was when I first appeared. And if these are questions that are alive for you, then you've found yourself in a good place on a sunny Saturday morning.

[15:07]

Zen offers a different pathway to self-connection by reflecting on the self. As Ehe Dogen says, who is the founder of Zen Buddhism in Japan, says in his Instructions for Zazen, which is also called the Fukan Zazengi, we chant it in the mornings here sometimes, he says, you should therefore cease from practice based on intellectual understanding, pursuing words and following after speech, and learn to take the backward step that shines your light inwardly to illuminate yourself. body and mind of themselves will drop away and your original face will manifest. You can't ignore the body and you can't ignore the mind when you're sitting Zazen. And when we get to know ourselves more intimately, we can nurture a healthier relationship to ourselves. And this can lead, in the best instances, to healthier relationships with others. It starts with acceptance of the self, which is not always an easy path.

[16:14]

I remember when I was younger, particularly in my 20s, I had a lot of self-criticism, a lot of self-judgment, and I couldn't ever imagine liking myself. In fact, I remember people saying to me back then, you have to like yourself first. You know, I'd find myself falling into all these unhealthy relationships and You know, people who are older and wise would say, until you like yourself, you'll never be able to find a healthy relationship. And then I think, well, then I'm doomed because I'm never going to like myself, so I'm always going to be in terrible relationships, or perhaps I'll just always be alone. So over the years, that's changed, which is quite a relief. And I've got older and wiser, so perhaps it's because I am older and wiser that I found peace with myself and acceptance of my foibles and my insecurities. And... I think on some level that's enabled me to have a more compassionate relationship with other people and to understand that really underneath this kind of outside exterior we're all insecure and we're all wondering if we're good enough.

[17:17]

I think that that's kind of the human condition actually. Some of us are just better at covering it up than others and sometimes as we get wiser we have a little more knowledge of ourselves and so we're able to kind of present a little bit differently. When we have a deeper understanding of our own needs, we have a healthier relationship to ourselves and a natural outcome of self-connection and self-understanding is our relationships with others and they benefit from that. We're able to reflect on our responses and perhaps, if we're lucky, not react from our usual place of habit and we're able to take responsibility for our part in an interaction because we always, always have a part in an interaction. It's never possible. any one person's fault. So as you begin to practice by sitting Zazen, self-understanding will be a byproduct and with that will come self-healing and maybe out of that some of your relationships will heal.

[18:18]

That's certainly the experience that I've had over the past several years. And also, there's a way that we can honor relationships that aren't working. We don't always have to try so hard to make a relationship work if it feels like it's not working. So there's a way that there's some wisdom here. Sometimes we have to let go of relationships, and I'm not just talking about intimacy, intimate relationships, friendships, sometimes relationships with our families that just aren't feeding us. So sometimes we have to let go of relationships, and there's a way that we can do that with honor. We can give the relationship its due. We can have gratitude for what we've learned and we can let it go. And often we find ourselves in Zazen thinking about the past or the future. Rarely are we in this moment. And you'll probably tend towards one or the other. I definitely tend toward thinking about the future. I find when I'm sitting in Zazen, I'm planning something that I'm going to do that's going to be fantastic. And other people are kind of in the past, in memories in the past.

[19:22]

So I catch myself. I know. myself well enough that that is my tendency now. So when I notice that, I just try and bring myself back to this moment. And to bring myself back to this moment, often I just try and kind of hear something in the outside. If I'm sitting in the Zendo here, I'll listen to something on the street, a car going by, or if I'm at Tassajara, you can hear the blue jays squawking. If you're at the Green Guts, you can often hear the ocean. And that just kind of brings you back to this moment. So although my confidence in the Dharma is unwavering, over the past 18 years my life has ebbed and flowed and my practice has followed suit. Going through periods where I've been practicing more intensely, particularly the years that I was in residence here and at Tassajara. And then followed by many years when my practice was less at the forefront and my relationship to the Dharma was more distant. And during these more distant years, that was when I had left this community and I was trying to create...

[20:25]

a life for myself outside this community, making a home and living in the world and finding my way, which can be not easy when you've lived within the walls of Zen Center for so many years. It takes great courage to step away from Zen Center and create a life for yourself outside. And it takes focus too. So in some ways you kind of have to step away. You have to step away from the intensity of residential practice to be able to free up the energy to create a different way of life. I know some of you in this room have had this experience too. So in this tradition of Zen Buddhism, there's something called the Bodhisattva vow. And the Bodhisattva vow is a vow that we make to save all beings, which is quite an undertaking and it's an enormous task. It's really quite impossible actually. But breaking down this impossible vow to save all beings into practical actions, There are things like being of service to others.

[21:25]

That's one way that we can be of benefit and one way that we can fulfill our Bodhisattva vow. So put like that, for me it feels much more doable. So being of benefit means being of service to others and it's a tangible, practical offering that we can make. Like being a volunteer. We have an amazing volunteer crew on Thursdays in our kitchen. Jeffrey heads up a crew who make lunch out of the leftovers and also make lunch fresh. And they go and they deliver it out to people in San Francisco. And the group of volunteers, it's such a wonderful service. And the connection between all of them is very intimate and profound. And I think that one of the reasons that it's so sweet is because they're offering. It's just an offering. They're doing it because they want to do it. They're not doing it to get anything else but... simply to be of service. So that's one way that the bodhisattva vow can actually be put to use, I suppose.

[22:28]

So being of benefit helps relieve suffering, ours and others. And since we're all interdependent beings, then being of help to one person can make a difference to the rest of us. It's like a ripple effect. And also setting the intention to be of benefit to others It helps us organize our thoughts and it gives us a focus and it gives a direction to our actions. And I wanted to tell you a little bit about how I've been practicing, that word again, how I've been practicing with this bodhisattva vow, with this intention to save all beings. So I recently returned from the UK where I spent three weeks taking care of my parents. And it was a unique opportunity to be the primary caretaker for them. Because up until this moment, they have been completely independent and they haven't needed any help in any way from anyone. I have two siblings also who are in England and my parents are very independent and self-sufficient, my mother particularly.

[23:34]

But at the beginning of December, my mother had hip replacement surgery and she needed full-time care when she came out of hospital because she was on crutches and She was also in quite a lot of discomfort. She had trouble sleeping because when you have a hip surgery, you have to sleep on your back, and she couldn't sleep on her back, and sleeping pills weren't working. My mother has a constitution of an ox, so they'd give her sleeping pills, and she'd be like, no, they didn't work. She'd ring the doctor. Those ones didn't work. Can I have stronger ones? So we'd give her stronger ones, and she'd be like, I think maybe I went to sleep for an hour last night. So she had a really hard time sleeping, and I think that, you know... For those of you also that have a hard time sleeping, it's kind of torturous when you're not getting enough sleep, and then you're very under-resourced. You're much less able to kind of live your life the way you want to when you're just exhausted all the time. And she was also quite uncomfortable, and so it took a while to get her comfortable, and then I'd get her comfortable, and then she'd be uncomfortable, so I'd have to move her around.

[24:37]

She couldn't do the simplest things. She couldn't bathe. herself she couldn't dress she needed me to do everything for her she couldn't pick anything up because she couldn't bend over one of the things when you have hip surgery you cannot you're not allowed to bend over so she was kind of upright the whole time on these crutches which she wasn't used to and she'd leave her crutches all over the place and then she'd put her crutches down they'd fall over and I'd be in the other room so she'd have to call me can I come and pick up her crutches anyway it was it was kind of a bit of a carnival that we all had together so that was my mother and And my mother's also, she's my father's main carer, because my father has Alzheimer's, and it's moving very slowly, fortunately, and I've talked about my father here before, so some of you already kind of have a bit of a relationship with my dad. He's very frail, and his balance is terrible. So it's not safe to leave him alone for any length of time. You can leave him alone if he's sitting in a chair, but if he gets up, if he gets on the move, you've got to be like...

[25:40]

monitoring him, because you just never know when he's going to fall over. So when my mum went into hospital for her operation for four days, she entrusted my father's care to me, which felt like a huge responsibility. And I myself am not a parent, but I felt like a parent. I felt like I was the parent for my 83-year-old father, and I had to take really good care of him. I had to make sure he had everything he needed. I had to make sure he took his pills in the morning and the evening, And I just had to make sure, I had to get him into bed. I had to make sure that he was just really well taken care of. And it was such an honor for me to be left alone with my dad because my mom's always there. My mom's always been the one to take care of him. And suddenly I was taking care of him and we had a lovely time together. Particularly trying to get him into a taxi to take him to the hospital to see my mom because my father moving around, he moves extremely slowly and And it's very difficult these days for them to get in and out.

[26:42]

The things we do simply get in and out of a car. We don't even think about it. But when you're kind of losing your motor skills and, you know, your brain's not quite as switched on as it used to be, it's very hard to get in and out of a taxi. So I figured out that in England these days, the black cabs are handicapped accessible. Who knew? And they have these chairs that flip out. So they kind of flip out. So all my dad had to do was kind of shimmy himself backwards enough and sit on the chair. And then I would just lift his legs up and stuff him into the car, like stuff his legs around into the car and quickly like shut the door. And that's how I'd get my dad back and forth to the hospital. And by about the, I don't know, the sixth or seventh time we did this, we had it down. Like it went from being like a whole hour to being like half an hour. It was very sweet. So kind of my dad and I got our systems down. So also, you know, you have to keep your eye on my dad because he'll forget his walker.

[27:44]

He'll suddenly decide that he can walk across the room on his own. So he'll forget his walker and I'll find him halfway across the room looking like he's about to sit down. So, you know, he needs tracking in a different way than my mom needed tracking at this time. But we have this saying in Zen. It's one of my favorite sayings. Give or receive a gift. And we say it at the end of a meal chant. Giver, receive a gift. And this experience with my parents, during this time with my parents, it held particular poignancy for me. Because my time with my parents, it underscored the truth and the preciousness of that particular mandala of three words. One flowed into the other. Who was the giver? Who was the receiver? And what was the gift? It was all one. It was all the same for us during that time. And this is our practice and our joy. We practice giving our time and our efforts and our energy. And we practice receiving other people's time and efforts and energy.

[28:44]

And sometimes that's hard for us to receive. That is a gift. And we practice seeing the gift within all of these offerings. And this is the spirit of Zen practice. It's a form of generosity. So the experience of taking care of my parents was very intimate. I had to help them bathe and get dressed. And I had to help them both into bed because neither of them had very good control over their legs. So once I got them into bed at night, I was like, okay, you too. Don't go anywhere. I mean, I knew they couldn't go anywhere. That was a great thing. Once I got them into bed, I knew that I could actually relax for the evening. I was so full on from the minute I heard my mom moving about I was on duty. And I was on duty all day until I got them both into bed at night. And then I could relax, by which time I was completely exhausted. So I was picking up after them because all kinds of things would end up falling all over the floor. So I was like, again, feeling like a parent, going up and picking up after them and seeing what they needed and putting things away and tidying things up and doing the laundry and making sure they had everything they needed, cooking for them, going shopping, what do you want for dinner, going to get that, cooking it.

[29:58]

cleaning it up afterwards. It was amazing. It was just the most extraordinary experience. And they needed so many things to make themselves comfortable. So they each had a particular chair that they can sit on, because my mom needed to sit very high because of her hip, and my dad has a chair that has high arms so he can get up. And they wouldn't let me put their chairs next to each other, which I wanted to do. I was like, put them next to each other. They can, like, hold hands when they want to. No. They wanted their chairs on... other sides of the room just because that's where there was space which meant that I was continuously going back and forth moving things from chair to chair and then they decide they wanted to sit in each other's chairs so then they'd get up and then you'd need my dad's walker my mum's crutches and then there'd be all of that moving across the room and then they'd like get into each other's chairs and then everything they needed their glasses their books their newspapers a cup of tea the phone, the TV remote, my dad's medication, my mom's painkillers, crutches for my mom, a walker for my dad, pens, notebooks, the hearing aids, glasses of water, the computer, and hankies.

[31:06]

So many hankies. I don't know what my parents do with their hankies, but there were hankies everywhere. There were hankies stuffed down the chair, stuffed behind their pillows, everywhere. And then they'd say to me in the morning, darling, can I have a clean hankie? I'd be like, what are you doing with all your hankies? So that's one thing I found out about my parents, that there's this need for clean hankies. Maybe it's a British thing, I don't know. So I went to London, clear that my time would be devoted to their well-being, and feeling so much gratitude that my life circumstances and Zen Center supported me to be close to them during this time. And the one thing that we all have in common is that we have, or we have had, parents, or we have had people in our lives who have taken that role for us. And as our parents age, and our relationship to and with them changes, in some instances it might get harder, particularly if there's still unresolved pain from previous years.

[32:08]

If we're fortunate enough to still have our parents alive, I do realize I'm very fortunate that both my parents are still alive, and I don't take that for granted. Other people might experience more of a coming together as their parents age and become more dependent. And it's often a complicated relationship that's shaped all of our lives. So as our parents age or their health becomes an issue, how does that impact our fixed ideas about them? How does sickness and old age change our relationship to our parents? So when we have fixed ideas about people, in other words, What fixed ideas means is we don't believe that people will ever change and that things will always be the same. We don't believe that there's any room for either them or us to behave any differently. And we stay certain that the dynamics between us will always be the same. So, you know, what's the point in trying, in other words? And yet people are always changing.

[33:08]

Circumstances are constantly shifting. And therefore, a different way... of being together becomes possible in any moment. So in Zen, we reference sickness, old age, and death as much as we reference birth. It's really part of our liturgy. And I wonder for myself whether, because those words are so familiar to me, the reality of this fact becomes less ominous. And I realize that my parents are in this stage of life, and bearing witness while being of service to them was... deeply moving and connecting for all three of us. And one of the reasons it was a completely satisfying experience was because it was a finite amount of time. And I found for that finite amount of time, I knew I was going to go for three weeks. For that three weeks, I could put my needs aside and I could completely devote myself to their care. So I set that intention that for those three weeks, I was just going to be whoever they needed me to be in any given moment.

[34:12]

And I think for the most part, I managed to do that. But there were moments of panic and moments of comedy. One of the moments of panic was when I got locked out of their flat. So I went out to empty the trash and I left my father in the bedroom because I was helping him get dressed. And my mother was on the telephone to her doctor with this long list of... questions including, can I have stronger sleeping pills? So I dashed outside to take the garbage out, and the door shut behind me. And I was like, oh, no. So I was ringing frantically on the doorbell. Neither of them realized that I'd gone outside. My mom thought I was in the bedroom with my father, and my father thought I was in the other room with my mother. So I'm ringing on the bell, ringing on the bell, and I can hear my father saying, there's somebody at the door. And I can hear my mother saying, calling back to my father I can't get to the door I'm on the phone and I'm on crutches and I'm ringing on the bell and ringing on the bell and I'm like what if one of them tries to get up and come to the door and they fall over so I ran downstairs to see if there was anyone that had a spare key and then I ran back upstairs and I just couldn't I tried to yell through the mailbox turns out the mailbox has a security thing on it so you can't so I'm just like ringing on the bell ringing on the bell and eventually I hear my mum kind of

[35:35]

coming to the door and she opens the door and she gets this huge smile on her face. She's like, oh darling, it's you. And I'm like, who did you think it was? And she said, I didn't even realize you were outside. And then we just kind of collapsed laughing. So we had these wonderful moments where kind of complete panic turned into moments of comedy. You know, when my parents don't have their hearing aids in, it's just hopeless. And the conversations that we would have when neither of them have their hearing aids in because they've lost them, because they don't know where they've left them. and I haven't yet found them, were just comical. So when we're in unusual and unique circumstances, which this certainly was for me, one's behavior transcends the usual boundaries. So for instance, helping my parents bathe and get dressed became normal because it was the appropriate response in that moment. It's not about naked bodies anymore. It's about what is necessary. And there's no behind closed doors, there's no privacy. Everything is shared and everyone is deeply respected.

[36:38]

And the overarching emotion that framed the whole experience for me was intimacy. And I wouldn't have changed anything about it. And their situation is full of life. There's actually nothing lacking, even though it looks like their life is diminishing and it looks like their life is getting smaller. In fact, their life is full of love. And although they can't travel the way that they used to and they can't entertain as much as they did, and it's very difficult for them to go out in the evenings, it doesn't mean that their life is diminished in any way because actually it's completely full of everything. And they're fortunate enough that they have each other and they have their books and they have the BBC. It's very important to them. And they have my siblings close by and they have a lot of friends who care for them. So their lives are full, but their lives are not busy. And I think that that is really a wonderful difference in their lives right now. And another factor that made it easy for me to be of service to them was that they were available to be helpable.

[37:47]

So in other words, they weren't resisting my help. They were welcoming my help. And they were so grateful that I was there. So my parents gave me the gift of letting me into their private world and I gave them the gift of my physical presence during this short time and together we created this world of mutual support, acceptance and great gratitude. So again, who is the giver? Who is the receiver? And what is the gift? It's all the same. It's the wheel of Dharma. So another little anecdote about my dad. There are so many of them. He likes to go out and sit in a cafe and read the newspapers and watch the world go by. Something that he never used to do when he was working. He would never stop and sit and watch the world go by. And he likes to go to a very particular cafe called Bill's. It's in High Street Kensington Tube Station. Because occasionally a friend of his will walk past and occasionally they recognize him.

[38:51]

And I think that's why he likes to sit there. So it takes my father... about 45 minutes to walk from their flat to Bill's. A walk that takes me five minutes, if that, when I'm doing it on my own. But when I walk with my father, it becomes walking meditation. I go at his pace. In fact, going at his pace is the most important thing. I don't have an agenda of my own. I completely devote myself to his care. And there is no point in hurrying because it doesn't make any difference. And if I want to go faster, I just get frustrated. So I just, I think of it as walking meditation, which we call kinin here at Zen Center. And my father walks about that slowly. So I just do kinin for as long as it takes to get to the cafe. So really, it was an experience of devotion practice, giving myself over to their needs completely and vice versa.

[39:54]

they put themselves completely in my hands as well. And it was an experience of trust and humility for all three of us. And I think, I hope that my capacity to be of service has grown throughout my years of practice. It's hard to put a finger on why, but I'm sure that some of it is because I'm getting older and wiser. But I think it's also because of my years here at Zen Center, sitting Zazen has enabled me to know myself better. And by virtue of that, I think that I can be of benefit in a more wholesome way. When I was in the UK, my mum gave me all the letters that I'd written to my parents during the years I was at Zen Center, which I had no idea she'd kept them all. I wanted to read you a little bit from one of the first letters I must have written to them back in August 1999. I was down at Tassahara kind of checking it out. Your question, am I a Buddhist, is an interesting one. I come from a very Catholic family generations of Catholics.

[40:56]

I live my life according to the precepts, which is similar to the Ten Commandments and a code of conduct, a code of ethics in Buddhism. I try to be aware of how I behave in the world and how my behavior impacts others. I also meditate regularly here at Tessahara, which is a way to become more familiar with myself and an opportunity to watch my thoughts. I certainly know myself better now than ever before and understand for the most part the reasons why I make certain decisions, interact with certain people and behave a certain way. So I guess I consider Buddhism to be a philosophy of life as well as a religion and it gives me guidelines by which to live. I don't think I'm about to put on robes and enter monastic life. I think you'll find me much myself as ever but perhaps there have been some inner changes more maturity, understanding, and compassion towards others? Remember how judgmental I could be? Now I notice when that happens. Thank you for asking me that question.

[42:00]

So my response to her still feels really relevant today, which is why I wanted to read it. And I did put on robes, and I did enter monastic practice, so you never know what's in store for you when you walk through those doors of Zen Center. Zen practice hones our capacity to be present, As it says in the Maha Aati by Dilgo Kiense Rinpoche who is a renowned Tibetan teacher, everyday practice is simply to devote a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions and to all people. Experiencing everything totally without mental reservations and blockages so that one never withdraws into oneself. Being present, training ourselves to be in this moment is a lifelong practice It benefits us to recognize when we are living in the past or future, and as I said earlier, we definitely tend towards one or the other. We're rarely in this moment, and when we catch ourselves not being in this moment, it's good to bring ourselves back into it.

[43:04]

I think I'm going to close with one final anecdote about my dad. I just want to say before that that my parents are doing well, in case you're wondering. They're doing great. When I left, my aunt, my mother's sister, who lives in Vancouver and is retired, arrived to take over from me. So my parents still have somebody in the house because they still need a fair amount of help. And they sound well when I speak to them. And I wish that I could be closer to them. I feel very far away here in San Francisco. So a final anecdote about my dad. So on my last morning in England... My relationship with my father was very difficult when I was young. We've worked on it a lot over the years and we have absolutely transformed our relationship. My father's a different man from the man that I grew up with. He's just a big, squishy, beating heart these days and that was not the case when I was a child.

[44:09]

So it's wonderful that he's this way at this time in his life. So one of my most tender memories from... my time with my parents was on my last morning. I was leaving to go to the airport just in a couple of hours. And I was helping my father bathe and get dressed. And the radio was on in the bedroom as it is every morning, tuned to the classical station as it is every morning. And a piece of music came on that is probably my favorite piece of classical music. And I bought the tape of this music with me when I left England. In fact, I think it was my parents' tape. I think I put it in my suitcase as I was leaving. So I originally brought the tape with me. And then I replaced the tape with a CD a decade later. And then I took the MP3 of this piece of music down with me to Tassajara when I returned for practice period a few years ago. And it's the most beautiful piece of music. Maybe some of you know it. It's called Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis. At this point, I'd have it like playing.

[45:11]

If this was a movie, it would start playing. Beautiful piece of music. So I asked my dad if he recognized a piece of music and he cocked his head to the side to listen and he smiled and he said, yes, it's Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis. I went back to putting on his socks. I sat and I watched him slowly getting dressed, my heart reaching out to his, knowing I was about to say goodbye and knowing that this special time with him was complete. We had shared everything, my parents and me, And there was nothing but pure love left between us. Until the next time that I'm with them. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[46:19]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[46:21]

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