This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. The sound, okay. Welcome to City Center to Beginners Mind Temple. My name is Erin Merck, and I'm a resident priest here at the temple. And my status, my actual status as a practitioner is spouse. And I wanted to give a very big thank you to my partner, Mary, who traded places with me when I was very sick a couple of weeks ago and wasn't able to give the talk. So thank you so much, Mary. And I also wanted to thank our head of practice, David Zimmerman, for inviting me to offer some words this evening. in the first place. So thank you, David.

[01:01]

And also, just to thank all of you for coming. I know for some of you, it's a commitment to come, whether you want to or not. You may feel like, actually, I'd really like to do something else, or wouldn't it be nice? But here you are. And to all the people who came from the outside as well, coming in this wintry night to sit together and play around, hear some dharma. Thank you very much for coming because I think with all of us together, it becomes a whole different experience and magic can happen when we're together in these practice events. And this brings me to something I wanted to acknowledge today. Yesterday morning, a motley group of city center practitioners left bright and early in the morning for Tassajara.

[02:04]

And that's our practice monastery, which is about five hours south of here in a little mountain valley. And during the fall and winter months, the center is... devoted to a specific kind of Zen training, which is very connected to a lot of the old teachings we read about and perhaps some of the practices that draw us to Zen in the first place. Lots of sitting and lots of sounds and connection to nature, a whole day after day, devoting ourselves to practice. Today is the first day of the five-day sitting where students who are new to the practice get a chance to express their sincere wish to enter the monastery. And I was thinking that right now, this is about the end of their first day.

[03:11]

They're sitting as a group, kind of a little bit separate from the community. A lot of the community who've been there for a while will be working and preparing the monastery for the practice period and sitting in the morning and sitting in the evening. But during the day, this group will be sitting by themselves all day long without any special bells to tell them when to get up and sit back down. And so it's a very kind of... beautiful and intense and deeply intimate ritual that they're going through at this moment. And so just as we stand up to end the talk, I think is right about when they will stand up officially for the first time and take refuges together, do some bows with the community, and go to bed for the first night of Tongario.

[04:15]

So I just wanted to kind of send them some wishes and some support to launch into this endeavor, which can be kind of difficult and different kind of difficult than city practice. And really, that's actually what I wanted to talk about tonight, is to kind of give a little bit of... cheerleading, maybe, for the kind of practice that we can do here in the city. And some people here might be feeling a little bit of kind of sadness or longing about not being in Tasa Hara practice period. People might be feeling a lot of relief or a lot of kind of happiness to be back. I know a group is also back. from Tassajara. And there also might be a mix of feelings, kind of like, hmm, a lot going on.

[05:18]

And for people coming here for the first time or just starting your Zen practice might not have a sense yet. And so together in each of our different places and experiences with practice, we can really consider what the practice of this practice period is going to be regardless of where we are and what the shape of our life looks like. So I was thinking about, when I was thinking about the difference between practicing in a place like Tassajara and doing monastic practice and maybe practicing here in the city, a story came to mind that probably many of you are familiar with that gets referenced in Shanti Deva's book, He's a teacher who has a very famous text called The Way of the Bodhisattva. And if you're not familiar with the term bodhisattva, a bodhisattva is a being who has aspired and has the intention to wake up for the benefit of beings.

[06:30]

And in this tradition... that this lineage lives inside of. This is kind of all of our aspiration. And at the end of the talk tonight, we'll actually chant, we'll do a series of vows, we'll chant these vows that are expressions of bodhisattva work, of what it actually means to be bodhisattva, and what that big vow is that we take. So in this text of Shantideva's The Way of the Bodhisattva, there's just a little verse where he refers to a story. And the story is that there's, once upon a time, a kingdom where everyone in the kingdom likes to walk around barefoot, regardless of class, status, or... job. Everyone liked to wander around and frolic barefoot.

[07:34]

And usually, though I read in the story, the royalty in the kingdom would actually be carried and kind of hovered above the ground so that it was kind of easy for them to be walking around barefoot because they didn't actually walk, but other people carried them. But one day, the queen went out wandering by herself without being carried. And as she was walking along, she stepped on a sharp rock and cut her foot. And so experiencing this pain in her foot and having blood and maybe being a little scared and kind of surprised, maybe she'd never walked barefoot actually on the ground before. She made this big statement that perhaps, you know, what can we do to fix this? Perhaps we should cover the entire kingdom in leather so that no one should have to come upon a rock and cut their foot.

[08:41]

And people were like, oh, yes, I agree. And kind of listening to her talk, of course, yes, we should find, we should start finding all the leather now so we can cover the kingdom in leather. And In this version of the story, the court jester is listening to this and just starts laughing and says, that's ridiculous. Why would you waste all of that leather and where are you going to find so much leather in the first place? Why don't you just make a pair of sandals so that each person, as they're walking around, has their own pair of sandals and you don't have to cover the ground, cover your own feet. So, of course, this idea of leather is a metaphor for our practice. And a lot of times when we experience pain or discomfort or annoyance or irritation, we might have that feeling also, like, I have to remove this problem somehow to protect myself, to protect my feet from this pain.

[09:54]

And we often have a very dramatic response because it's scary to experience pain and come up against things that are difficult. And the idea of this bodhisattva training is to really take care of our own feet, to take diligent care of our feet so that as we walk around, we're able to protect ourselves, but we also can let the rocks that are sharp be themselves as well and express themselves. We don't have to just get rid of everything that's irritating to us or that's harmful to us. That by walking around with a little bravery and taking care of our own feet, this is a way that we can also navigate this scary world. So I was thinking about this story as the thought of Tassajara practice arose. in my mind thinking about the group that went yesterday.

[10:55]

And I had this feeling, I was thinking about, well, I remember practicing for those years at Tassajara and kind of what that felt like in my body and getting ready to climb into the van that takes you into Tassajara and kind of like the little world that you're faced with there and that you meet. throughout your day, each day, day after day. And then I was thinking about my practice life here and how different it looks and feels and the shape is so different. And so I had this thought, like, actually in some way, the monastic practice or the monastic practice that I've experienced is a little bit like having the kingdom covered in leather. A little bit. I know that sometimes we think of it like, oh, it's such hard practice. You know, we have to wake up so early, and it's just extremely repetitive, and there's all these people that you might or might not like that you're just squished together with, and you just have to eat whatever they serve you, and you have this room that might not have heat, and it's very uncomfortable.

[12:04]

But in terms of practice, it's kind of this... ideal environments where you're totally taken care of and you have all these people who want to practice with you. You have a seat and a shelter and this beautiful creek nature sounds and you don't have to think about anything if you're lucky, especially the group that's going down for the first time. All they have to do is show up, and I know it's at 3 in the morning, but still, somebody's ringing the bell, and somebody's ringing the bell, and somebody now doesn't have to ring the bell. And it's a very beautiful life that's set up for practice. Here in the city, and depending, in city center, of course, we have all the same forms in a little bit reduced fashion. And now a little bit more emphasis on work, practice. And then some of us who work here might have different kinds of forms that we relate to, that make work feel a little bit more practice-like.

[13:13]

And then those of us, I forgot to mention that I work outside of the temple as a high school teacher. And so some of us who work outside can feel very... Very different, very different quality than that sort of practice training that you kind of climb onto if you have the luxury to do a practice period, a monastic practice period. So what I really originally wanted to talk about tonight is actually from the way of the bodhisattva. It's this idea of bodhicitta, which means kind of literally the mind of awakening, the mind that has a deep desire to wake up and kind of in its fullest expression, a deep desire that everyone will wake up and that maybe even somehow our practice will help other people wake up even before us.

[14:18]

And so I've been thinking a lot for the past... couple of months, I guess, specifically about bodhicitta. And when I was thinking about bodhicitta kind of in relation to monastic practice in bodhicitta, in relation to siddhi practice, I was thinking, well, when I wandered around Tassajara doing that monastic practice, one thing one experience that I had, or in some way, was that I really could fall apart. I really could let myself fall apart. And because everything's so taken care of, in a way, until you get to a certain level when you're the person taking care of other people, you have this sort of luxury to... You don't have to be so put together. And I think in our life here, sometimes we... There are a lot of... things that we have to do in the world and ways that we have to engage and even just walking outside sometimes, it feels a little bit, can feel a little bit like, wow, I can't really let go or I'm not sure if it's safe or if I can even access that tenderness, that squishy feeling that might be able to come out if I didn't have to put myself together in all these ways.

[15:40]

kind of constantly manage those sandals. So I was thinking about city practices that really is like having to remember to put on your sandals and having to take care of and deal with these sandals day after day, knowing that when you walk outside, there probably are going to be big rocks and things that might cut you and hurt you, and also things that you might hurt. depending on your big feet or whatever it is, your sandals, the texture of your sandals and such. But then the other day I was thinking about the city and, you know, in Tassajara, maybe there's one way that it's possible to open or a certain, you can open in a certain way, a certain kind of, certain layers of view can open.

[16:43]

But in the city, I think there are a lot of opportunities and maybe even more opportunities in some way to stimulate that longing and that wish to awaken and to alleviate all the beings who are suffering because it is so overwhelming. It's such an overwhelming place, I think. It's very stimulating. You know, in Tassajara, there's really not very much going on. It's very simple. And, you know, there might be some kind of like chess game, or I can't even remember what kind of games people play, or badminton or something. I don't know, somebody, what? Boche ball? Okay, boche ball. But, you know, it's very repetitive and predictable in a certain kind of way. It's got a very even kind of texture.

[17:48]

Within that, you'll have your own textures going on and bump up against people, but it's set up to kind of allow a certain level of relaxation, I think. Not relaxation, obviously, like lounging around, sleeping, but... kind of inner relaxation of things that you don't have to worry about. Here, we're faced with we just don't know when we go outside. There are a lot less assumptions that we might be able to make about who we're encountering and what they're interested in or what their motivation is. And our own motivation might kind of get a little hidden or might move around. We might kind of lose track of it as we're engaging with all the different people here and seeing lots of different things, some of which might be really frightening or sad or overwhelming.

[18:53]

You know, the textures of this city is thinking, like, all the cars that are just, it's just so intense. There's this kind of pulsing. And especially in this area that's so centered on technology, it just feels very speedy. And it's easy to get kind of, I notice myself, I'm very busy and very speedy even right now. And I can feel how that speed, that aligning with that speed, I can't really access my softness. It's harder. I feel like, ooh, I need to stop and slow. I need to remind myself all the time that, hmm. Can I stop long enough? Can I slow down long enough to even get in touch with that kind of inner tenderness? So I think our city practice has a lot of challenges, and it might be a little easier to get lost, although I think it's perfectly easy to get lost at Tassajara, too.

[19:56]

So that's a whole different topic. But I think in our city practice, we have a little bit less... you know, form and container. Our container is kind of wild, and we don't know how we're going to, what's going to arise when we go outside, or if we're going to remember what we really care about, or how we really want to engage with people, or we might even not know how, or they just might not even understand us or get us. So I think there are a lot of challenges. But the other day, I was walking down the street. This is my tangent, but I think there was a thread. I was walking down the street and kind of trying to take a walk to get some exercise. So I was walking kind of quickly and I came to an intersection and a car went by and moved through the intersection. There was another car behind it who I assumed would stop and so I already had walked into the crosswalk

[21:02]

And I was in the middle of the crosswalk, and I noticed from my peripheral vision that the car was still moving. And so I turned towards the car and was just looking towards the driver, and the car actually turned directly towards me and sped up. And it was like this far from me. And so I screamed... like at the top of my lungs, like a squealy little child, and jumped in the air and hit the car with my hand. It was very frightening. And the person in the car was just such a strange, a funny city moment because I was just, my whole body felt like, wow, I'm probably going to die. in this flash of just, I'm going to die. And then I looked at the driver, and she was completely terrified.

[22:08]

Like, she hadn't seen me. It was obvious that she hadn't seen me at all. And she was sitting there with her eyes were just really big. And so all of a sudden, I'm sure this never would have happened if I hadn't had... such a privilege to have access to all of these teachings and all this training over time, over 16 years. But I suddenly felt like I was so worried about her. I was like, she obviously looked like she was going to have a heart attack. And so I was like, oh my gosh, what do I do? So I went around to the passenger door and I looked in and... And she was just staring at me like she was this really, like I had really, I felt terrible. Like I had just scared her and she was about ready to have a heart attack and I was so worried. And so I just looked at her and I thought maybe she would put the window down so that we could just talk and calm down.

[23:13]

And instead she was just like, and then she looked at me and she put her hands together like this. And I was like, I'm okay. Like it's okay. And then she drove off. So it was like a moment where I really felt, I really felt, I felt very grateful for having had access to all of these teachings, but also for being in the city. Because a lot of times I kind of wonder, I don't know if I like living in the city anymore. It just gets so, I get... a little tired of it, even though I feel like I've always been a very urban person. Sometimes it's just, it's so hard to all the time be on alert and just not knowing what's going to happen as I walk out the door and what I'm going to see and if I can handle it. And so having this interaction, which is just... kind of thing that happens all the time.

[24:15]

I see myself when I'm driving sometimes, you know, it's like, I don't know. I hope nobody's there. But it's very hard because things are moving so quickly. And to have this feeling arise in me of tenderness right in the middle of this very scary interaction in the city with a car, like not in some magical place next to a creek, you know, I felt like, ah, this is why I'm practicing because I I want, when I'm faced with something scary, I want to be able to not just be completely self-absorbed and, like, worried about my feet. You know, I actually want to care about other people. So I was thinking of how lucky we are, actually, in the city to be right here. We're kind of right in the middle of the city at City Center. And... not only do we have this beautiful space that we open up to people who can come from the outside, which is not true of Tassajara.

[25:23]

You can't go there during the practice period unless you're part of the group. You can't just come and go. And so to have this beautiful space that's open for practice where anybody who can... get here, you know, can come. And then also the feature of online live stream. So like when I was sick the other day and Mary was giving my talk, I was able to watch it from home and see how it was. And I just felt like, well, this is very interesting. This is kind of something that you can't experience maybe anywhere. but in this kind of city urban practice. So one of the questions that I had as I was thinking about tenderness, thinking about this softness and sort of falling apart,

[26:39]

letting the things that I usually use to protect myself kind of fall away. And I really have the question, how can we do that in this little bit scarier, wilder environment of the city? Is that possible? And that example of almost getting hit by a car. That was just, I feel like, a kind of lucky moment where something happened. Oh, I forgot to say one more part, which is after that whole interaction and the woman drove off, I turned and walked, finished crossing the street, and there was a young man who had, I think, was waiting for a ride, and he was just sort of there leaning against a building, and he... he looked so concerned and he was like, are you okay?

[27:41]

And I didn't even, I didn't know him, of course. And so I was like, oh, I'm fine. That was really frightening. He's like, that was so scary. And like, he said, can I give you a hug? And I was just like, sure. So he gave me a hug and he's like, I'm just really glad you're okay. And I was like, well, thank you. I walked off and I, I don't know. Somehow, so I felt like as I was continuing my walk and I just had this experience sort of moving through me, I was thinking, you know, that's kind of a lucky dramatic experience, I guess. But then there's the sort of everydayness and how I notice it's a little harder for me to keep keep in touch with that softness or that part of me that's not so put together when I'm here, when I'm in this busy life of the city.

[28:45]

And so that's, I don't think I'm going to answer that question tonight. I have just a few more minutes, but it's something that's on my mind. And I really, I really believe that the shape and the particular features of the city and the amount of people here, the amount of energy and the gift of this practice center and other practice centers around and pockets of other kinds of practice really are the hope, I think, that makes this a very... rich place to practice. And so I think that sometimes, I think what I'm trying to say is sometimes people might have this feeling like, oh, I wish, you know, that someday I could do like real Zen practice. And I wish I had the time or I could take the time off or I just wish I didn't have to be stuck here at City Center or something like that.

[29:48]

And I just wanted to, I just have this very strong feeling in me because I've... done some Tassahara practice, then I've definitely had that feeling myself of, oh, I guess I'll just be doing this other kind of practice now and not that really fun, like deep, intense Zen practice. But I really have this feeling now, especially after being kind of out in the working world for my 10th year out here, that this is what I really want to be doing, actually. And I'm very excited about city practice, and I wanted to encourage all of you. This is, you know, Rosalie's talk last Saturday. I was really inspired by that talk, and she mentioned it was a lot of encouragement towards really taking advantage of the New Year, kind of New Year rhythm, to really find

[30:53]

our intention, our practice intention, and to launch into it, to take it up and really thoroughly dive into our practice. And so I wanted to just, as I was thinking about the Tangario group going to Tassahara, I wanted to just also encourage us. here to really rev up and take full advantage of this unique practice shape that we have by being in a city. And I just, I really feel like the world needs us and that the practice that's practicing at Tassajara is completely necessary and churning and beautiful. but we really need people out here too. And we really need people to be in the city and people willing to be brave enough to be kind of right in the middle of it all.

[31:56]

This kind of overwhelming place that's not so tidy. We need people willing to do that too. And so just a lot of encouragement for... for all of you who are here and maybe are very committed to city practice, to really feel confident in what you're doing and that it's a gift. And I know that we all have experienced being out there somewhere, not in a specifically designated practice place or Zen place, and seeing somebody do something really skillful, maybe even surprisingly skillful or compassionate, and just how touching, more than touching, it actually charges us. And as I've been studying bodhicitta, one thing that I found really beautiful that I'd never noticed before, I was reading various texts, and sometimes I'm really drawn to the sort of...

[33:09]

more like Trungpa, Pama Chodron, Shambhala texts that describe Bodhicitta, like this tender wound and beautiful noble heart. But for this time I was studying, I turned to Dogen, and I was reading one of his fascicles about Bodhicitta. And one little piece that I had never noticed before is that he mentioned not only that Bodhicitta, bodhicitta is something that you have to arouse with your thinking mind, that actually we have to use our discerning mind to connect with that intention, with that aspiration that everyone might awaken and that our practice has something to do with that. But also that bodhicitta doesn't arise without affinity. And Often in Dogen's text, when he has the character or the word for affinity, it really means like with the teacher.

[34:16]

But in this different translation, the feeling was more like affinity just with beings. And so I had this feeling like, oh, in the city, that's why there's a lot of tenderness. I feel all the time like I'm about to fall apart, but I can't because There's so many beings around that touch me and that resonate and that I really connect with this longing. Like, I just want everyone to be free from that suffering. So, city practice. So I think I'm going to end there, if you don't mind, because I had this idea that we could all be bowing at the same time, that the people, the little Tangario group, will be bowing, which is, I think, right now.

[35:26]

Isn't it like 825 during Tangario? They kind of get like a little shorter evening. It's not 9 o'clock, I think. Okay, so I'm going to end there. Thank you very much for coming and excuse me for being so speedy. I'm feeling very city-like right now today. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dormon.

[36:14]

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