This podcast is offered by San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So, good evening. Welcome to San Francisco Zen Center, especially those of you who might be here for the first time. My name is Bernd Bender. I live here, I'm a resident at San Francisco Zen Center, and I practice here. And what I think I want to bring up tonight and say a few things about, and actually also try

[01:00]

to engage in with you is what I would simply call the practice of selflessness. So I want to start by saying that last week ago, a friend of mine came over to visit. And suddenly in our conversation, for me, kind of out of Out of the blue, he said to me, so do you have any little nieces and nephews? And I said, why are you asking me this question? And then he simply pointed at a little drawing that's actually hanging over my dresser in my room. And I wanna show it to you, here it is.

[02:03]

So, I thought I'd put it up. I don't know if this works. Excuse me. People in the wings, I think, cannot see it. I apologize. So I was amused, and I told my friend that actually it wasn't a kid who had done this, but my kind teacher, Michael Wenger, who can't be here tonight because he's in Los Angeles. Michael gave me this inkling, as he calls his ink paintings, a few months ago.

[03:13]

And I feel he gave it to me in response to questions and issues that I actually want to bring up tonight. And yet, and that's why I bring it up, I feel somehow I was really touched by my friend's initial questions about the little nieces and nephews because I feel he sensed something. I don't know how it is for you when you look at it. but I feel my friend sends something that, maybe for lack of words, I would like to simply call a kid's mind. And maybe, maybe, I want to suggest this.

[04:16]

This is actually close to what we call beginner's mind. It's difficult to see, but in the drawing, it actually says, you must see. We must see. So I understand this as my teacher Michael's kind invitation to me to look at my own questions in this life with a fresh mind. A kid's mind, maybe. A mind that doesn't pretend to know so much. A mind that doesn't seek an answer right away, that's fresh, open, curious.

[05:29]

and inquiring softly. So tonight I want to actually extend Michael's invitation to you. So if you want to go there with me, please let's enter Kids Mind. I actually want to suggest to you let's play. Let's pretend together that this Buddha hall, this eminent Buddha hall, is not a Buddha hall. Please, let's say it's a laboratory. Okay? Laboratory. And then, Let's pretend that each one of us is a microscope, is what's being put under this microscope, and also is the person who looks at the object under the microscope.

[06:51]

I'm suggesting this because I actually think we might see something awesome. However, if you don't want to play this, that's fine too. So, I also want to say this experiment will take approximately 10 minutes. So, I want to invite you, please, wherever you are, sit comfortably. Maybe stretch your spine a little. Please don't close your eyes entirely, but if you don't mind, lower your gaze a little. Feel your body.

[07:58]

bring perhaps a touch more awareness to your breath. And please feel free to relax, to just be here. Now, bring some awareness, please bring some awareness to the fact that there is sight, There's sound, there's smell, there's taste and touch. Relax into this very basic sensory awareness. For example, be aware that you might see a little bit your hands resting in your lap or on your knees. You hear my voice.

[09:04]

However faint you smell the incense. You taste the touch of your mouth. You feel the ground pressing against you. And now, just resting, just abiding in this awareness, try also to see that every moment we attach a kind of value to this incoming information. For example, you might like hearing my voice, or you might dislike it. There's also a third option. You might simply have a neutral sensation. I would say this is actually happening all the time.

[10:14]

So please, just be aware of it and relax into this awareness. Next level. Now, try to see. Then in a somewhat mysterious way, we synthesize all the sensory input into discrete things. In other words, we have perceptions. For example, you hear my words, and... if just for a second you would lift your eyelids, you would also see me, or parts of me. Now, these are two separate sensory inputs, but somehow, somehow, we combine this separate information into one entity called BERT.

[11:29]

Just as an aside, I want to say, isn't this amazing? We don't just perceive things. We actually construct our perceptions. So maybe this very moment starts to become quite complex. Please, relax. So now try to see that most probably there are certain impulses present. For example, some kind of urge to act on this basic information that seems to be coming in. You might not like this little experiment and feel the need to get up and leave. you might like it, and you would like it to last a little bit longer than it actually will.

[12:38]

Please sense your impulses to act and leave them alone. Rest in them. Surround them with awareness. Relax. We're approaching the end of this last step. Somehow, all this information, all this input, seemingly coming from outside and inside, is held together. Try to see that it is consciousness which reflects all this material. If it didn't, we simply wouldn't be aware of it.

[13:43]

Now, this is very subtle, but try to see actually the reflective, luminous capacity of your mind. It's like a mirror. Also, try to see how your consciousness receives tiny bits of information and blows them up into bigger things. Like there's a faint noise outside the window, but somehow, strangely, we know it's a car going down Laguna Street, don't we? It might be a little difficult to see all this, but what we now are actually looking at under the microscope is the reflecting and knowing capacity that is called consciousness.

[15:04]

Just rest. And now, please, activate a corner of your awareness. Just a little bit. Get a little bit interested in what's happening and ask yourself the following question. In all of this, in the totality of my experience, can I see anything that is permanent, separate, and that doesn't change. Please see. Sink into your experience, and please just ask one more time, can I find anything in this present moment that is unchanging, separate,

[16:18]

and permanent. So I really want to thank you. I really want to thank you for doing this together. Please let go of the lab. Let go of the microscope. If you were successful, let go of the self. and come back to what we call the Buddha Hall. I don't know. Maybe this was strange to you. I don't know. I actually want to ask, how was it? What did you experience? And did you find the self? And what is it? Anybody dare to say something? I was thinking, you mentioned sight, sound, smile, touch, and taste, but you didn't mention the sense of thought.

[18:02]

And then when you said, trying to find something permanent or separate. It was the separate that actually struck me. I think that the thinking part of what's happening here, there is a feeling of separateness. So what would you say? perception, sense of thinking about it. So I want to say, first of all, whether you were aware of it or not, this little game, this little experiment I suggested was an insight meditation in the nature of the self.

[19:04]

within the context of the five skandas. So just maybe briefly, maybe we can come back to it at the end. The first skanda does not include thinking. However, did you find it anywhere else? I would suggest it's in perception. It's this miraculous thing where out of these five basic impulses that come in, we synthesize concrete objects. And the way we synthesize them, which is my language, is we think them. Maybe that's enough for now, okay? Okay? So... I want to ask the question of myself, why do I bring this up?

[20:07]

I want to say tonight that at this point in my life and practice, I actually feel that selflessness, or anatta, as the Buddha called it, or as it's called in Sanskrit, is the central teaching and practice of the Buddha way. I think it's right there in the very beginning when the Buddha, in his first discourse on the Four Noble Truths, declared that the grasping at a fixed, separate, and permanent self is the root cause, is the deepest cause of our suffering. So, the grasping of a separate self comes first, and then the whole mass of human suffering actually proliferates out of that.

[21:25]

So, although I might use maybe, let's say, philosophical terms, I want to suggest that the investigation into the nature of the self is not just a philosophical exercise. Rather, and I feel very strongly about this right now, it is a question and a practice. that is conducive to our healing and liberation, individually and collectively. The Buddha said, I teach suffering and the end of suffering. And this is what it actually is about. I also want to say that I had this urge

[22:31]

this wish, partly an inspiration, to bring up the teachings on selflessness here at Zen Center tonight, because lately I simply feel that the suffering in this world is so very acute. A Japanese monk who lives there left this morning because there was a typhoon in Japan that killed a hundred people. spared his family, but his family's temple is completely flooded. Suddenly things change. Isho-san, most of you know, Japanese Zen teacher who also lives here at Zen Center, told me actually the radioactive contamination in Japan level is much higher than we are being told. So in my mind, it requires a belief in a separate self in order to be able to fantasize that we can actually be in absolute control of nature or of technology or of anything else.

[23:53]

And at present, all of us, all of us, once again, we painfully have to learn that this is actually not the case. Put it very simply, we are not in control. Also, a week ago, I felt very open, more open than now. Now I can just say it. I actually cried when I read the report of Amnesty International about the systematic torture and killing of the Syrian government of its own people. Among them, a 13-year-old boy who was tortured and killed in the most terrible way.

[24:56]

So one of the causes and conditions of, let's say, me having the willed and conscious, it's important, the willed and conscious impulse to harm and annihilate another human being is the belief that I am actually separate from this person. It's very simple, but it's very true, and it's very deep. If this belief breaks down, then actually my impulse and my murderer's fantasy breaks down as well. I would say, in my own life's experience, the human realm can actually be

[26:10]

thank goodness, quite joyful. However, lately I feel there is deep, deep darkness in the human realm. I'm not saying this to scare anybody. I'm just expressing what I feel. So the question which I have myself is, what is the cure? And forgive me, for insisting on one single but important point tonight. But I would say, I believe that the teaching of anatta, or selflessness, is the cure which Buddhist practice has to offer to the situation it addresses. The situation can simply be called human suffering. As an aside, all the other teachings, I believe, revolve around anatta, or even reformulations of anatta.

[27:24]

So the question is, how can we practice selflessly? How can we practice selflessly? few thoughts about this. I would say, paradoxically, paradoxically, we take up the teaching and the practice of anatta, of selflessness, by studying what feels closest to us, our self, or selfness. However, if we really take up the study of the self, we might find out, and I certainly did in my life and practice, that what seems to be closest to us, our self, is strangely veiled, unclear, kind of enigma.

[28:40]

What is the self, we might ask, and be surprised that perhaps we don't really know. But there's a point to it. So therefore, some kind teachers of past, some of the present, gave us words and concepts. So let's say maps, if you want to find our way through the labyrinth of the self. And one of these concepts is anatta. And it has a very specific meaning. I want to point this out again because I think it's important to become clear about what the Buddha actually taught. So, anatta stands for the idea of a self that is separate, fixed, unchanging, and permanent.

[29:53]

In other words, the Buddha did not, does not teach that there is no self. However, he did teach that there is no self that is separate, permanent, and unchanging. And I think, and hopefully this will become a little clearer, that I think this is an important point, and I think it's worth reflecting about it, meditating about it, and eventually realizing it. When I say believe, I do not mean that this is a thought that we can simply let go of or skip over. Rather, it's an idea, I would say, that sits very deeply in our skin, bone, and marrow.

[31:01]

Or, to maybe use a more modern term, it is a somatic grasping. It actually pervades our entire body. nervous system. So therefore, we cannot simply jump into selflessness. Some of you know this is called a Zen sickness. We cannot, and actually we should not, bypass the complex, and for most of us, often painful experiences that arise out of this deep and to most of us, actually unconscious grasping. But actually, there is something we can do. We can expose this kind of grasping to the light of consciousness. We can bring awareness to it. We can learn about it.

[32:03]

Then we can go deeper and deeper into our experience. and studied and eventually allow the teachings to actually turn us at the core of our experience. So, as I want to say, for most of us, this is simply tough. It's tough because anatta actually cuts through the deepest stories of who we think we are. To let go of all ground, again, I know this myself, conjures up our deepest fears. As a thought, anatta,

[33:08]

If we only open up to it a little bit, for many of us, as a thought, it is frightening. Because we see it from this side of the self. As a realization, it's actually liberating. And we practice in this kind of very complex situation. So that I call it a thought, and I want to say I don't call it a thought. I think it's a teaching of Buddhism. That self-grasping is a very deep thought. That's actually good news because it means we can open up to selflessness. Because fixed self is just an idea, even though It sits very deeply in all of us.

[34:13]

So to come back to the beginning and then to end, one way, and I want to stress this, there's only one way. One way to open up to selflessness is to study the self within the context of the five skandhas. This was our little experiment in the beginning. And I want to say, even if you are not familiar with, let's say, the teachings around the five skandhas, you can do this practice. Because five skandhas doesn't mean anything else but your experience. So I would say, Simply settle deeply into your experience and ask yourself this question deeply in your whole body-mind.

[35:20]

Is there something permanent, separate, and unchanging? If we are so fortunate as to understand deeply that there is no such thing within the experience of our body-mind, we will be free. The Buddha said, I teach suffering and the end of suffering. I have deep faith in that. that's why I bring it up. So, to end, I want to say this kind of study, and of course all words are treacherous, this kind of learning, it's a learning, like learning a foreign language.

[36:42]

This kind of study and learning actually is the practice of Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, who, deeply studying Prajnaparamita, and I want to paraphrase, who, deeply studying the teaching of anatta, or selflessness, saw that all five skandhas are empty. In other words, saw that her experience is empty. Her experience is empty of a separate, fixed, and permanent self. And thus, she relieved all suffering. Seeing this deeply, seeing this, I would say, as deeply as our cellular structure.

[37:51]

That's why we sit in this way. We will be free. We will be free to be compassionate, joyful, and kind beings. Because at this point, we can actually see that all human beings are entangled in a dream of being separate and thus create suffering for themselves and others. So, that's kind of what I wanted to say tonight. I want to say, please feel free to accept Michael's, as I see it, Michael's kind invitation. And remember, you must see.

[38:55]

It is certainly my wish for you to see. Thank you. I can't see. What time is it? Time to end? Really? What time is it? No, that's too early. But it depends. Excuse me, I don't want to hold you. A few more minutes? Okay. So, please, if you have any feedback, comments, questions... Adam. For me, what that means is that the note can be separate.

[40:08]

It comes up a lot for me, and that's why I really want to ask the question. Because to me it feels like, you know, I'm seeing you from this angle. Other people are seeing you from different angles. I have this feeling of tension in my shoulder. No one else has that. You know, I'm sitting on this tatami bureau or there I have several times. It feels pretty separate. It feels like, you know, if I'm feeling unhappy or dying and I can't really express that, I can't really understand it myself, that, you know, you and me might as well be on opposite ends of the universe in terms of separation. So it could really express part of your connection. First of all, I want to say thank you very much for simply describing the human situation as it is.

[41:10]

I appreciate that. I share this with you. I don't feel separate in sharing this with you. As for your question, I feel a little lost because I feel this is what I did tonight. I try to address it. I try to say, yes, this feeling of separateness, the experience of feeling separate, and all the pain, that comes out of it, is very real. It is very real as experience. However, the Buddhist teachings, as I understand them, are that this is really not necessarily how things are. Now, the tricky thing is, once again, this is important to me, then the self,

[42:11]

that wants to practice, tries to get somewhere, tries to practice into selflessness, tries to jump into emptiness, tries to experience interconnectedness, I would simply say this doesn't work. However, what we can do, we can do the nitty-gritty work of what you just brought up to study that more and more deeply. For example, That's why I brought it up in the beginning. Try to see how your perception, and again, I don't mean this in a philosophical way, but if we just quiet down a little and just look, we can see that the other exists nowhere for us, for us, then

[43:12]

in our consciousness. Does that make sense? You see me. You smell me. You can touch me. Okay? You think me. And then you bring all this together. All you have, in other words, are your thoughts or emotions about me. And I know. You create entire worlds out of that. But try to see this. And in this vision and opening up to the teachings, you will open up more and more deeply toward interconnectedness. Simply study disconnectedness and the feeling of separateness. Study it openly. Relax. Sink into it. and your mind will turn, and your heart will open up.

[44:12]

Okay. Time to sleep. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma, For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

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