This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Okay, well let's start by sitting. And if you could just take a few moments to find your body, experience what it is to be a physical being. And from inside that experience, find your posture. What is it to lengthen your spine a little bit? Let your chest open.

[01:04]

Let your abdomen relax. What does it feel like to let there be a full inhale? very slowly and deliberately for five breaths slow deliberate exhale and then a very definite pause and then let your body breathe in just that natural reflex you can each part of that be quite intentional with as much awareness as possible. So breathe out not until you're straining, but you're ready for an inhale.

[02:15]

But pause and let the inhale happen. And then after five breaths, let the body breathe.

[03:27]

Let the senses open. Let the ears hear. The nose smell. Tactile sensation, touch, and sense. The eyes slightly open so they can see. Thank you.

[04:56]

So certainly in the realm of practicing, experience comes first. And then our wonderful and enlightened ideas about it. First we awaken, and then we have something to say about it. And how each time we sit, each time we pause and intentionally engage a moment of mindfulness, this exacting request to do something we're thoroughly and completely capable of doing. to just see in that moment.

[06:09]

And how did it go? Not so much in the service of judging it or drawing conclusions, but in the service of becoming more intimate with the human experience. That kind of inquiry which our interest in being alive. It draws us into genuine curiosity about the process of being alive in contrast to our usual utter intrigue in the content. A lot of which is self-generated. As some of you have heard me mention, recently I read an article, I think about nine months ago, that was saying they were using fMRIs, scanning the brain as it functioned, and scanning the occipital lobes, which takes the raw data from the eyes.

[07:33]

and then that goes to the occipital loads back here, and they generate this. Let's see. And amazingly, 80% of the activity, 80% of the input, when we're seeing, you would think, well, that must come from what comes in through the retina. No. 80% of the input comes from other parts of the brain. 20% is raw data and 80% is what we have to say about it. Obviously some of it's functional, right? I mean, table, walls, ceiling, lights, people. But this way in which we are... engaging experience so intertwined with expressing the activities of self.

[08:40]

And how easily and readily we become entranced, utterly involved in the world according to me. And yet, and yet, We're fully equipped, fully capable of this experience of meeting the moment directly. And that's the delight, the danger, what other words begin with D? The drama of meeting that moment. You know, just how it comes in the being. You know? It's like, you know, in this beautiful poetic way in Zen. You know?

[09:47]

Who were you before your parents conceived you? You know? What is this expression of being before you go into all the stories you have about it? And that's what we're going to look at tonight. But before we go there, I'd like to see if you have any responses to the homework, which was to look at your behaviors of body, speech, and mind, to look at them in terms of what ways of relating to them, of working with them stimulated the capacity to be present in contrast to relating to them, engaging them in ways that seem to thwart or diminish the capacity to be present.

[10:50]

Anyone have anything to say about that? I actually have a question about the MRI. I know they're doing a lot of work with People who have been trained in awareness, like what was training? Yeah. Have they done this study and it's there different? Have they done? Have they done the how much? Occipital lobe? Yeah. Well, I read an article which was based on a scientific paper on this. So. And that's where I got that number from. Okay. And I assumed it was right, you know, maybe it isn't. The general populace and people trained in awareness. Oh. Oh, that's what you're asking. I don't know. The study group were not particularly meditators or people trying to do weddings.

[11:57]

That's a great question. I think I'll ask a friend who was at Stanford. I'll email and ask him. let you know. Any? Yeah. Thank you for being this stressful and I was trying really hard to control and there's been a lot of security in my thoughts and then you had mentioned thinking about what you need to use to support your practice and I realized that I needed to sleep. And so all the things that I had lined up to do I said okay I'm gonna Well done. Congratulations.

[13:02]

You still stayed up, right? Yeah. There's what we're doing and how we're doing it. There's what's happening and how it's being related. and sometimes shifting one, sometimes shifting the other. Anyone else? Yes. So last week I talked about... Yes. So I didn't have that exact experience, but I tried to still be curious, and I had an experience which I felt acutely embarrassed,

[14:06]

And I paid attention to how that was in this suburb where I flashed here, the restriction of some of us also. Yeah. And then I realized that it was very recastating from what it was. So, well, a little bit of space experience. Yeah. Actually, the life. The life. Yeah. Did you have any... perceptions or noticing around, what helps you to do with that? Like when was it? So before I felt a few embarrassments, I had been paying attention to what I was seeing. And over the course of the last week, I'd say Friday and Saturday, probably the ones that I've done the most, I've never had since. It would recharges your attention.

[15:18]

Yeah? It's a good question. Part of the function of ritual is... one of the functions of it is renewing intention like traditionally in a monastery in the middle of the moon the month in the middle of between the it's done on the lunar calendar so on the full moon and in the middle renewing your intention and then a little bit more subtly how intention becomes resolved. It's like it shifts from an idea in your head, oh yeah, I must do that. How it shifts from that idea into something that's closer to action.

[16:31]

How it translates, how that idea that intentionality as a thought, as a concept, translates down into being expressed through actions in your body, in your mind. So how to stimulate that? And in a way, Sita is thought of the behavior of body, speech, and mind that sometimes it's thought of as the protector of intention. Sometimes the way of being that brings intention forward. I think for most of this, when we step into the Zen, it's like, okay, right, this is the place I'm mindful. The environment helps us look forward. And then very interesting, places where we have palpably felt present, when we return to them, often there is a residence.

[17:47]

In fact, we remember, oh yeah, this place. I remember being here and having an intense presence. So that too. It's a little bit like, and we'll talk about this some this evening. We go to this special place, the special activity, the special state of mind, and initiate. We touch the essence, and then we carry the essence anywhere, everywhere. Any state of mind, any pit. Initiating. Transformation. Actualization. Any other observations around Siblo?

[18:52]

I still don't know what to make this, but like I... So the last year or so, I've been, I mean, I've been around the depression the last two or three years before that. And during that period of depression, this sort of phenomenon started, I would say at least two days a week, but sometimes every day. I would wake up about, where for like 15 minutes to two hours before I actually get up. And I sort of just lay there and sort of not even being aware that I was awake until after I was up, if that makes sense. And so the whole time I sort of I forget it is this sort of sad, pathetic state that was lame again.

[20:02]

And it still happens to me, though I'm not, but I'm pretty much impressed anymore. So I told Michael about it two or three months ago, and he said good. And it was something that had emerged as a result or something like that. And I wasn't sure about his interpretation. I'm still not. But I guess for the last few weeks, I've really kind of... I don't know. I don't feel bad about it anymore. I'm not necessarily hopeful about it. But I realize that I don't know what it is. And I, I don't know, it would put kind of a fall on the beginning of my day when I let myself kind of think of it in that way, as a kind of, yeah, sort of this line around or something.

[21:13]

So yeah, I guess I look at that in terms of She would look as, like, always in retrospect, I would look back and think, like, why didn't I get up? Why didn't I jump out of bed and start doing things? So I don't know if there is some way glad myself were in that place, but I, like, for some reason I don't think so, but I guess my point is that I, like, yeah, I don't feel bad about it anymore. Very interesting. You know, awareness is a very interesting proposition because the more fully it's engaged, the more potent it is. And it doesn't necessarily create the consequences we think it's going to create or that we want it to create.

[22:20]

But it it is consequential and it's not consequential because we've figured something out it's consequential because as we direct experience it's something comparable to going to being asleep when we go to sleep in general and actually the more silently we sleep the more so when we go to sleep something nurturing healing stabilizing happens to our being it's not the product of our determination or even intentionally directed efforts it's coming part, giving over to something that the human organism is capable of.

[23:27]

Mindfulness has a similar capacity, some healing, stabilization, harmonizing that comes into being. Learning how to give over to the process. Learning how to let go of what separates us from it. As I mentioned briefly last night, someone telling me they were on retreat and they were actually being very mindful. And in the process of being mindful, the usual sense of self started to fall away, and they felt dizzy and frightened.

[24:32]

The constructs of self have a familiar grind to them, and the familiar has a reassurance, even when it's unpleasant. I think we've all experienced returning to activities ways of relating to ourselves with others almost through the comfort of familiarity even though we know there's something cognitively you know there's something problematic about that so initiating something new giving over As I mentioned last week, it's a mixed bag for us. In some ways, it's enormous relief, and then in other ways, it's unsettling or disturbing.

[25:38]

Sometimes more than one, more one, more than the other, and then sometimes, as I mentioned, can be together. I think it's not unusual when you're in the middle of sasheen. to be deeply grateful and appreciative for the experience and how you're opening and being more present. And then another part of you is counting the days until it's over. This is great. Are we done yet? And then the pragmatism of sila. What kinds of thoughts, what kinds of physical behaviors tend to induce or exacerbate or perpetuate that state of being and what tends to shift it, to move it?

[26:40]

If you look at studies around depression, they say, oh, well, for a lot of people, physical activity is can be potent. Working cognitively with how you're thinking. Learning to interrupt ruminative thinking. I mean, there's deliberate activity. And then at the heart of it, I hope this makes sense. You can ask me if it doesn't. At the heart of it, there's giving over to direct experience within the moment. Does that make sense? And they're mutually supportive. They're not either or. Anyone else? Yes.

[27:43]

I have an ongoing quarrel with someone, which is the flat out kind of tiny animal. You're having a quarrel by email? Yeah. My first reaction was to engage. My second reaction was to engage in some kind of way that made me look like a really good guy that does the razor's edge. My third reaction was Maybe I can leave out the right advantage. My fourth reaction, why don't we not do this in the city? Which is why I finally did it. I sat for 10 minutes. That's fine.

[28:49]

I guess maybe the benefit of having your quarrels by email. You do have a little time to ponder it. If you take the time, exactly. You know, the thought that occurred to me, can you shite an email by, like, nitting it all caps? The whole art form, you know, like, how to get the inflections we get into when we're having a verbal exchange, how to get them into email. Maybe it's convention there that I don't know. Anyone else? I remember the intention of what you wanted to do and then noticing how well you've secreted the patient and did that. Yes. And being a little kind to myself, I specifically thought about and how that was helpful to go, you know, oh, I actually did the work before, but it was that space, the nebis.

[30:24]

Yes. Good. Good. When we're in the monastery, you know, we eat all the meals formally, and because there's so many details, almost despite yourself, you're quite mindful. And... But then it's quite common... that when you're not so used to it, that you miss a certain, to use the word erotic in a wide sense, not simply a sexual sense, but in a more passionate sense, you miss the erotic pleasure of eating because it's so mindful. And then when you're not used to it, you kind of learn this and you come out and you're quite full, really. Well, Maybe that's debatable because you don't have much time to eat.

[31:28]

But this is my notion that a lot of it's about you actually did get enough to eat, but you didn't get a certain kind of passionate involvement, you know, where you eat and you get excited and you kind of like get into it and it's all done quite subdued and mindfully. And then you go away thinking, where was all the passion? Where was the delight? And then if you keep at it, you discover you can enjoy your food. You can taste it. You can enjoy it. And be mindful. They're not exclusive. It's another passage of our life to realize that mindfulness is not this narrow, sterile way of being. you know it's it's fully inclusive of what nourishes us in the broad sense of the word okay any other thoughts on that yes so I um sort of I was thinking I have this um how did I make my dad fairly

[32:53]

Neurotically every morning. You make your bed neurotically? Yeah. Well, fairly so. It's one thing that's a really important part of my day. And so I stopped doing it to see what I feel. And I did not like it. And you didn't like it. It was really unpleasant for me. And then, you said this before, that it's difficult to be intentional when you're in the midst of a habit, when you're living visually. And that's the reason I stopped making the bet, because I thought, my intention, that there's intention in this. And so I'm trying to separate. the habit from what I thought was intention. And I'm really flummoxed over that.

[33:58]

Because I... You're flummoxed over... What part of it is intention, which is what I thought it was, and then also what part of it is habit, which may be just what it is. It's my habit to be this, but I thought it was part of the intention for my life in a certain way. But this habit developed out of an intention. But wait a minute, didn't you just describe it as your rut? Well, I mean, I think that's kind of where my habit became, like this kind of, you know, like when I lived close to home, if I didn't make my bed, I would go home. And when I worked close to home, I'd go home and make it. Because it just made me feel better. Like I like, it's not a, it must be made for the sake of being made. I just, I like to care for my space. And it starts when I get up and I just make my bed, right? And so this intention to care for my space became a habit, one that I enjoy. But I think oftentimes we think of habits as something we need to break or something.

[35:03]

So I decided to change something that I got a lot of joy from. And I didn't necessarily like it. And I was wondering, I started, I began this habit and I what I thought was an intention for my life and for bringing mindfulness to my day, to bring me into my personal space to start my day. And so just to change that, I'm mindful of the fact that it made me uncomfortable, but I'm also wondering, okay, well, If it is difficult to live intentionally if you're living in habit, then how do I determine whether my intention is something I do is intention or habit? I don't know. What a great question.

[36:04]

You know, what we do and how we do it What gets added? Making your bed, putting your life in order, sounds wonderful. Do you become dependent upon it? Does it become almost superstitious? If I don't make my bed, I'll have a bad day. What gets added? How do we know when the activity that has arisen out of our intention, how do we know when it has become in its own way an obstacle? By paying attention. And by continually exploring.

[37:07]

What a great thing to do to drop it and see, hmm, what's it like when I drop it? Some agitation, some discomfort. And then the unfolding of practice. Well, should I stop doing that or should I pay closer attention to how I do it? one of the mindfulnesses I was suggesting, you know, it's like just put your clothes in, put a different arm in your shirt or a different leg in your pants, you know. The great thing about that practice is it's hard to get all hung up on the morality of which arm you put into your shirt first, right? If you're a good person, you put in your left arm. But actually when you do it, it's...

[38:11]

You see the habit of the moment. And then as you start to break the habit of the moment, often it's like pulling on a thread. You start to see the kind of habituated, usual state of mind you go into at that time of day. When I start putting my clothes on, I start looking forward to going to work, dreading going to work, start creating a to-do plan. Wish I could stay in bed. It's like sometimes mindfulness is like pulling on a thread of opening a variety of habits. So when we take the intention and we turn it into a practice, to keep it as best we can, as Suzuki Roshi would say, with beginner's mind, that it doesn't become this kind of mechanical process, both of body and emotion and thought, that we're not locked in in that way.

[39:38]

And the reason I like doing it with your clothes, as I say, it's hard to get moral about it, And it really gives you a flavor for a certain kind of lightness. What happens? Is it easier to remember with my shirt or with my socks? Or with a certain outfit rather than another outfit? Because mindfulness... isn't an expression of morality. It's just a way of engaging more intentionally the activity of the moment. It has consequence, sometimes profoundly so. But it's not be a good person and good things will happen to you.

[40:41]

Or be a bad person if that thinks will happen to you. Those are merely constructs. Okay? So, sorry you only got that email. Did you all get that email? No. You didn't get it. Did anybody get it? Oh, thank goodness. But a lot of you didn't get it. Huh. Well, Not that you want to know this or need to know this, but we started using a new kind of software. One of the features of it was that we could, with a click of the button, send you all an email. I'm not sure why, when we clicked that button, some of you did and some of you didn't. We only got it together by yesterday.

[41:57]

You got that email about yesterday late morning? Is that when it came in? Yeah. No, it was an email with an inclusion of a con that I was going to talk about this evening. It came from Joan, ccabitassist at sfc.org. Ah, okay. Check your spam. She would? She didn't have one. But I don't see her at the same... We're covered on it. You're covered? Yes. I brought you one. I brought you a hard copy.

[42:58]

Okay. So, we will proceed anyway. The reason I thought of this, Colin, is... There's an inner workings for us in relationship to being aware. The challenge for us is to persistently step out, wake up in the middle of our narrative, and experience the moment directly. You probably heard me say that. I don't know. hundreds of times. But still, to remind ourselves.

[44:02]

That's the proposition. And as I said earlier, certain situations, certain activities, certain engagements, we can coach ourselves. We can train ourselves. Okay, whenever I go into the Zendo, I straighten up a little bit. I walk quietly. because the email will shout at me if I don't. I walk in the prescribed manner. I get onto my seat the right way and turn the right way and all that. Special situation, special activity. But then also any situation, any activity. And so in a way, this is part of what this koan is pointing at. This very mind. Just the way it is.

[45:05]

As I was saying in the guided meditation, okay, here's the deliberate activity, the directed activity that draws you into presence. That awakens being in body. It draws the mind from distraction into connection to now. And then allowing that to open up and be whatever arises in the moment. The process of moving from the fixed to the fluid. The the world according to me, as it's become habituated, as it gets defined, as it gets reinforced and reified through the responses of who I am and the habits that I have formulated around it.

[46:16]

In contrast, meeting the moment as it is, it rises, it has the array of response it has, and when it's not grasped, it falls away. This shift and how turning to the moment and experiencing it in a way more than beyond the story according to self. This is the constant inquiry no and so there's two stories come together and the first one was you got in your hand and it's interesting because the first one is about one teacher in his disciple and then the second one is about when that teacher was a student and what his teacher said to him

[47:23]

So what Master Ma said to his student was, this very mind is Buddha. What is Buddha? Daibai asked Basho. Basho said, this very mind. You know, these stories, koans, can work in an interesting way. One way they're about... Do it completely. Do the request, the admonition of the koan, and realize it directly. The other way is, it can be an instruction. Okay, whatever state of mind you're in, say to yourself, this very mind is Buddha. This very mind is the grind of awakening. This very mind is exactly what it is. This very mind is available for awareness. Just the way it is.

[48:29]

Whether I'm angry, sad, filled with compassion, whether I'm deeply still and clear, or whether I'm agitated and disturbed. This very mind is just what it is. This way of introducing the availability of awareness to whatever state we're in. And we can look on it, you know, if we want to look on it psychologically, you know, there's the ways in which we tend to second-guess ourselves, you know, the way in which we kind of want to change ourselves, fix ourselves. You know? No, just as it is. just as this moment is, just as this state of mind is coming into being, letting it be that.

[49:35]

This very mind is Buddha. And it's interesting. It comes from a set of koans. There's 50 of them. And you think, well, that's a pretty basic one. Was that like... number one or two or three. No, it was number 30. In our daily activity, it can be a marvelous way of reconnecting in contrast to spinning off into the story we have about what's happening right now. What's happening here, now?

[50:39]

What's being experienced? What state of mind is being generated? What patterns of thought are coming forth? All of this is Buddha. All of this... is available for awareness. All of this is the expression of conditioned existence. This very mind is Buddha. So that would be my suggestion for the next week. Just try that on. throughout your day. In some activity that you think of, oh, this is just one of those things I've got to ride the bus to work. It's kind of garbage time. I just try my best to space out because the bus is crowded or whatever.

[51:43]

No. This very mind, this very bus, this very activity of riding the bus down Market Street, this is Buddha. This is Buddha activity. This is the Zendo of bus riding. To me it's very true. I'd rather walk down that. It's really a very good place to practice. On the bus? Yeah. Yeah. So you're saying, even if you're an agitated, stays fine. Am I hearing you right? You are hearing me right. Yeah, that is the line. The interesting thing is, instead of fighting it, if you stay with it, you can get pretty bored with it.

[52:49]

I mean, it's not maybe bored with it. yeah like someone came to talk to me this morning and they got held up in the traffic and they were like and then they were rushed and they were thinking as they were stuck in the traffic they were thinking oh he's going to be waiting and he's like and you know whatever they thought I was going to do when they were late and then they come in And they said, okay, give me a minute. I need to calm down. And I said, forget calming down. Just sit there and as much as you can, feel the agitation. Feel the unsettledness. Feel it physically. Feel it emotionally. Just do it. This very mind is Buddha. And then they did it. And

[53:51]

something started to sort itself out. The agitation took on a hint of sadness, because they did it with their eyes closed. And then their breathing slowed down, and they said, huh, okay, I'm here. Really meaning, now I'm in a state where I think I can relate to you. Yeah. But that very human impulse to change the state we're in to the one we'd like to have. And so there's an enormous permission Just be whatever you are.

[54:52]

And then along with it, there's an exacting request. Be the state you are and don't get caught in what you want to be in this moment. Don't let that activate a response. Just be what you are. And this is the inquiry of Zazen. This is the inquiry of mindfulness. It's like, be what already is happening. Don't do it, be it. So this is the instruction Master Ma gives. And then quite soon, Daibai goes off and lives in a mountain by himself for 30 years. And there's a cute part where Master Ma sends one of his disciples to go and check him out, which he does.

[56:08]

And the monk comes and reports back, and Master Ma approves. But, yes? Can I say something? You can. You were saying before about riding the bus, you know, I had that experience, you know, like it wasn't like something that I planned, but once I was on the cable car and suddenly everyone on the cable car had like, you know, coiled air, you know, light coming out of their crown. And I knew it was in my imagination, but it was just at that moment I saw everyone As the Buddha, why not? Why not try to be conscious on the Viennese bus? Why not try to be conscious, you know, when you're walking down the market street? Why not see the Buddha everywhere? You're not just in the center, but when you're walking through the center, sitting there far. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when someone came to talk to me, and at that point he was working as a stalker in the basement of Sachs.

[57:15]

I worked there for a long time, actually. And he said on his lunch hour, that's what he does. He works around the time, and each person he sees says internally, this is Buddha. I don't know about the coiled hair. What about just like a sweatshirt or... What I mean is, for a minute there, I imagine that everyone had the coiled hair, the flame. Okay. Yeah. Isn't that part of what we're supposed to be doing is Buddha's care and get outside the Zen though and often that into our day-to-day lives, so why not the many of us? Right. Maybe the shift I would make there, Joe, would be that especially in the realm of Zen, Buddha has no fixed form.

[58:18]

Buddha has no fixed form. It doesn't necessarily have The quarter and that wonderful flame coming out the top, that enlightening energy. So, turning towards it. Maybe even saying to yourself, okay, what activity, what state, what state of being, what moment of transition do I usually... Cast aside. It's like in Zen, we bow before we go into the bathroom. No, even that is a Buddha field. Even that is a place of practice. But just to watch for yourself. Where and how do you do that? Cast aside this as a moment of practice. And what would it be like to turn it around?

[59:21]

And internally, what states of mind and emotion do you tend to hold back from awareness or hold awareness back from that? So all this implicit in this very mind is Buddha. And how as we bring it forth, it will help make our mindfulness more pervasive, more robust and less selective. Okay, when I'm calm, when I'm saddled, when I'm feeling compassionate towards the world, you know, yeah, okay, it's a great time to be mindful. But so is when you're not calm. and not settled, and not compassionate towards the world.

[60:27]

It's also a great time to be mindful. Get to know that part of yourself. Get to connect to it. Get to taste and touch the way in which you contract, react. Maybe discover something about how to hold it with compassion, forgiveness. Is there a way that we can also use this in our involvement with other people? Oh, yeah. I'm thinking specifically about the people who in your life are a little more difficult. Yeah. Completely. I mean, when we're having a difficult conversation, you know, our tendency is we contract. Our repertoire of responses becomes limited. This is about good and bad. This is about conquering or being conquered. Either you're right or I'm right.

[61:30]

So let's have a power struggle to discover which it is. Who hasn't done it? Can that be a subversive thought? Oh, this very mind is Buddha. Start to unwind. know that state of being for yourself you know or or even notice that in that moment it's got you know oh this is too powerful it's [...] too it has it's too powerful and has too much authority in its expression for me to turn it upside down, and say, oh, these are just constructs. It's not like this is some magical phrase that will dissolve all your habit energies.

[62:40]

No. Maybe it's going to show you just how incredibly strong some of them are. So then... to go backwards. So you got that? To try it out. In the moments that you know have nothing to do with practice, then you can try it out in those moments. This very mind, this very interaction, this very situation is Buddha. So this Master Ma Nangaku was his teacher, and Master Ma was doing a lot of zazen all the time that he could. And Nangaku came to him and said, well, what are you doing?

[63:44]

And he said, I'm doing zazen so I'll become a Buddha. I'm doing zazen because There's a particular result that I want, and I'm doing zazen to get it. And then Ngaku says, he picks up a tile, and he rubs a tile, and Master Maza says, well, what are you doing? He says, well, I'm turning a tile into a mirror. He says, you can rub a tile with a stone and turn it into a mirror. You can, through your own preferences, through your own likes and dislikes, through asserting them, through applying them to the experience of the moment, you can bring forth the liberated awareness, the non-grasping,

[64:54]

of wickedness. So this is that he does it. Rather than saying that, he does it physically. And Master Ma, as in all good stories, gets it. Ah, okay then. Well then, what should I do? then he says to him well if you want a cart to go do you beat the cart or do you beat the horse what is the agent of change what what is it that shifts us from

[65:55]

repeating, staying within our karmic energy? And what is it that helps the habits of body, speech, and mind to crack open for awareness to see them just as they are? The activity of the moment, the product of karmic conditioning. Until that Master Ma couldn't respond. So what is the cart and what is the horse? What is the agent of liberation and what is it to just beat yourself up for being who you are?

[67:00]

So one way we can answer it is like this. We can say, well, you have a karmic life, you have all the conditioning that gives rise to the moment, and your history is not going to change. It's happened. And then there's what comes out of how you relate to what arises in the moment. Is it Just a repetition? Is it a continuance of your habit energy? Oh, when this happens, I always get mad. When this happens, I always get sad. Or can it be seen for what it is? What helps in that process? What helps to make that shift? This is what asks him. And Master Vaz stumped.

[68:06]

Then he goes on and he says this. Nangaku explained further. When you're doing Zazen, are you sitting as Buddha or sitting to become Buddha? Sitting as Buddha has no fixed form. In the midst of changing, don't grasp or reject. If you keep Buddha seated, you stifle Buddha. If you keep Buddha in a fixed form. So when we take up the practice of this very mind, this expression of existence, this expression of existence, this expression of existence is Buddha. We sit the zazen, and whatever happens, we experience it. If you come to a meeting late, agitated, wishing you got there earlier, anxious that the person you're meeting is going to be upset and frustrated and judgmental, okay, that's how it is for you in that moment.

[69:31]

No? Buddha... is not outside of that experience. When you're sitting, whatever arises to be it. So Buddha has no fixed form. And then Master Ma asked him, how can I tune into that? Kind of great question. And Gaku said this. You're studying the teaching of noticing the state of mind. of mind grind.

[70:35]

Something like the Yogacara notion. Studying the state of mind grind. This is like preparing the grind. Then the teaching of noticing what arises in that moment. So part of it is being available for the experience, And he says, that's like preparing the sword. And then noticing what arises is like the seed that's planted. And those two together, something grows. So you bring the availability and then you experience what comes up. That's how you do it. So the availability, so in that little instruction I gave you at the start, you know, Do these deliberate breaths. Not if you do these, something wonderful happens.

[71:41]

You've done it right. You've succeeded. You've gained something. No. It's a way of preparing the ground. It's a way of tuning in. And then being available for what arises in the moment. the sign, the sight, the random thought. Whatever, however, it comes into being. And then just to complicate things, let me tell you what Dogen said. Because Dogen loved, apparently, loved to take every story. This is a classic Zen story. This is like, the classic elucidation of the subtle process of Zaza. So then Dogen says, well, do you beat the horse or do you beat the cart?

[72:49]

Dogen says, well, of course you beat the cart. He said, you can't practice unless you beat the cart. I mean, what's available is this self. You can't work on the subtle variances of consciousness. You can work on your body. You can sit upright. You can work on your breath. You can pay attention to how you wash the dishes. You can... intentionally walk on the floor of the Zenita without making noise. These concrete things are accessible.

[73:52]

They're available. So rather than dismiss them, Dogen says, listen, this is what we got. This is how you do it. You engage the concrete things and practice with them in this way, and this subtle workings of consciousness takes care of itself. Does it lift your depression? Does it make you more patient? Well, those subtle workings happen. not through your intentional effort. They happen as the consequence of your intentional activity in what you're working with.

[74:54]

So this is the funny thing about Zen, you know? We're in the Zendo, and we're walking in a way that doesn't make noise. That's what we're doing. And in the process, not knowing how or how it's going to express itself, we're bringing forth awakened being. And in the process of walking without making noise, the ground is preferred. The particular of the moment arises, whatever it is. I hope everybody's noticing how well I'm walking. It arises out of your karmic energy.

[75:56]

It arises out of the karmic conditions of your existence. This very mind is Buddha. This is the seed. This is the particularity that's brought forth. So this interplay. With doing this, we're engaging fully in the form and we're setting the stage. We're enacting the formless. this this is form and emptiness intertwined so so what sets the stage for this very mind is Buddha engaging the forms of the moment

[77:13]

however and whatever they may be. And discovering that each thing, each situation has its own theater. In a way, it has its own physical request. always in this body that we are. Whether our mind is here with us or not, this is part of our being alive in this physical world. So how to let it be part of, how to let it be an agent of

[78:19]

presence of awakening. Not an issue of control, but setting the stage for what arises. Engaging the form to discover, to experience directly the formless. And how does the formless manifest? It manifests in the unpredictable form that comes into being in the moment. So I hope that makes some sense. Because that's the homework. The homework is... Do you have a question? The Orson-Lucart thing. The Orson-Lucart thing? So there's no one being there. I mean, yeah. And I know there's a sickle, and I said it's not a popular one, but I think you have, like, longhand, the horses are intentionally formed, and the cart is what happens, not essentially, like, they like this, this will happen, but just over time, you just, like, happen.

[79:39]

Then you're saying, pick the cart. So then that doesn't make sense, and then... Well... And one is like, the card is like, this is just life, and the horse is what we're trying to do. You know, it's like saying, what is the agency of change? You know? You try to change your body? You try to change your feet? Or do you work on your attitude? Even your attitude is part of conditioned existence. Subject to cause and effect. Subject in an expression of karmic life. So we engage the form, the tangible expression of existence.

[80:40]

That's the cart. It's solid. So that's the imagery. The horse is energy, it's engagement, it's agency. Well, Dogenzenji is saying engaging the forms enlivens the energy. As the energy is enlivened and meets the form of the moment, that becomes the expression of enlightening activity. The cart is the tangible expression of lightness. You know, it's usually an example.

[81:45]

The beginning of the cart is like, what can this end go without making any noise? well, isn't that very deterministic? Isn't there a particular goal behind? Isn't there a particular activity happening? What happened to all the non-dualism? What happened to, like, everything Buddha? This is right in the ground for that realization. So why not you could say just walk down Market Street any old way and be Buddha with each state of mind that comes up. You could say, walk on Market Street in the body, seeing what you're seeing, hearing what you're hearing as you walk, being in the here and now, letting the forms of now, the physicality of now help create an availability

[82:55]

experience whatever arises. No? It's interesting that there's this aggressive language in the old, you know, bad stories. Beat the horse and beat the cart. Yeah, beat, beating me, yeah. Sometimes it's hard, but, yeah. Understand that, because it's, Yeah, maybe, right? Maybe. Yeah. Did you hear me jump at the time? So books to explore. this very mind is Buddha without any tinkering with the particulars.

[84:01]

And then to explore, well, what is it if you ripen the ground with mindfulness of the body? Or as I said to that person who came to see me this morning, just take a moment and notice. How does it register in your body? said, I can feel this kind of tightness right here. And I said, just feel it. Don't change it. Feel it. Ripening the grind to directly experience and the transformative power of that takes care of itself and creates what it creates.

[85:05]

Okay, then it will create what I want it to create. It will create what it creates because whatever it creates is Buddha of the moment. So, is everybody thoroughly confused now? Well, maybe that's a good state of being. I'll email you those two koans. Unfortunately, they are in the language they're written in. It's somewhat implicit in certain Buddhist terms where Nangaku uses the term mind grind. which is a reference to particular expression in Buddhism.

[86:09]

But really, it's about this availability for the particularity. But still, this very mind is Buddha isn't so mind-bending. So you can try that one on. Thank you very much. Good night.

[87:04]

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