This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Happy Father's Day. Can you hear me in the back? This morning... someone said Happy Father's Day to me earlier. And then they said, you are a father. Since it's called Father's Day, it seems like Maybe it'd be good if I received some gifts.

[01:08]

And it seems good if I would give some gifts. I received the gift of you coming here and sitting with an old father. with a grandfather. And I wish to give you the gift of my presence. I want to warn you about the gift of my presence. with a story from my childhood when I was probably eight, maybe seven, maybe not six.

[02:16]

Around that time, I went to a recreation or an amusement park. And the park was called Excelsior. Excelsior. And they had various rides for fathers and mothers and children and aunts and uncles and so on. And one of the rides was a disc. A disc had a slight conical shape. It wasn't real steep, but it had a slight... The center was higher than the edges, and people would go sit on the disc, and then they would spin the disc. And as the disc spun, it went faster and faster, and then the people would slide off the disc.

[03:27]

Even if they tried to stay on the disc, they would fly off. And I don't know why, but I guess I was more interested in not flying off than the other people were. So I went and sat at the center of the disc. At the center of the disc, I didn't fly off. I just spun. And after a while, after everybody else had... slid off the disk. They would eventually stop it so some other people could get on. But I didn't slide off. I didn't ask the other people why they didn't sit in the center, but anyway, I suggest that you sit in the center during this talk. Because my presence is spinning.

[04:29]

And I suggest to you that your presence is spinning. Recently, and it's been going on before recently, that people come to me and they tell me that they feel, they often say, I feel sick of myself. I feel sick of... my self-centeredness, my self-concern, my self-obsession, and so on. And then they often bring up that they've heard that there's a teaching in Buddhism that there is no self. Or they also, even aside from the teaching, they have a wish to get rid of their self.

[05:33]

If you didn't have a self, then there would be no self clinging and you wouldn't be sick of yourself. And it's easy to understand, for me, it's easy to understand how people might get sick or nauseated or even dizzy around this... sense of a self. Now, I usually encourage people to practice compassion towards the stress and discomfort around this sense of self. And I also suggest that we don't teach that there's no self

[06:37]

We just teach that the self is not an abiding, independently existing self. It's a sense, it's a feeling, it's an idea, it's a perception, it's it's some kind of experience of I experience, or I think, or I feel, or I do. It's an event. It's an event. It's part of our ordinary consciousness. But it's not an independent thing. But when it appears in consciousness, and it appears regularly in consciousness, it comes with afflictions.

[08:04]

It is an afflicted sense or phenomena. It comes with the affliction of self-view. So when the sense of self comes up, it comes with the actually stress point that it seems like the view of what's going on is through or from the self. It comes with confusion. It comes with pride or arrogance. And it comes with a kind of affective stickiness. these are aspects of stress and affliction around this sense of self. So it seems reasonable that the idea would arise in consciousness, let's get rid of the self, then things might be better. And when the thought of let's get rid of the self arises, when it appears, it would not be able to appear at all

[09:19]

if it weren't for the self which felt in contrast to it. Without a sense of self in our mind, nothing would appear at all. But the sense of an agent there which sets up the possibility of a contrast between appearances and between the agent and the contrast, that sense of agency is necessary and it's actually a necessary expedient for our life. But it comes, it slips into a sense that this self is, really is.

[10:20]

And it's a mistake. That's an error. And it has afflictions around it. However, in this tradition which I'm offering to you, which has been given to me and which I give to you, it is the best of all errors. It is the fundamental error. It is the error which if we can see through it, all the other errors drop away too. This sense of self allows a sense of connection between appearances which are completely and necessarily distinct.

[11:43]

Appearances are distinct. If they're not distinct, we don't see them. For example, an appearance of me. I am not an appearance, but in conscious minds, in mine and yours, when I appear in your mind, the appearance of me must And when I'm in appearance to you, I appear as something other than me. I must appear as something other.

[13:02]

other than me. Therefore, according to this, I can appear as anything. And you can appear to me as anything. Because You appear to me as something other than yourself. And not just a few things other than yourself, but anything other than yourself. Or anything other than you. Another implication of the nature of this self is because of part of what I just said, is the more this appearance becomes itself, the more it becomes not itself.

[14:36]

which it already is because the way it's appearing is some among any things that are not it. I am a pivot. You are a pivot. The activity of enlightenment is the activity of you and the activity of me pivoting on ourself. I am pivoting on being me and not being me. That's why...

[15:41]

For this talk, I suggest you sit at the center of the spinning disk, not at the edge. If you want some excitement, sit near the edge. But it will be easier for you, you'll be more likely to understand if you sit in the center where you are pivoting right now with everybody who is pivoting with everybody. And what are we pivoting? We're pivoting between being ourselves and realizing that the way we appear is not ourself. There is no possibility of the appearance of me this way without me appearing other ways. All the possible representations of me are necessary for this one.

[16:42]

And I am constantly pivoting between this representation and others. This presentation and all representations. Presentation, representations, and the self is where... the exchange between things which are distinct, are connected. So there's a job here, a job opportunity of being yourself the way you appear. You don't have to go look for another one. The one that appears, which is actually it, which is an appearance other than you.

[17:50]

You appear other than you. You use the you that's an appearance which is something other than yourself. You use that one and you become completely that one. Also without any techniques. Don't try to find out some way to do it. The way you think about doing it is the best and the most difficult. That's why you'd like to find some other ways, perhaps. So read a book about how to be yourself. And it's okay to read a book about how to be yourself because that might be the kind of self you are. But it's not necessary for anybody to tell you how to be yourself. You're the world's expert on it. And you may notice, although you're the world expert on it, you don't know how to do it. But nobody knows how to do it better than you.

[18:54]

As a matter of fact, nobody knows anything about it but you. Even though I just said that, I don't know anything about you. Because you appear. to me, as something other than what you are. If you're named Tyler, I want to tell you a story after the talk's over. No, I'll tell you, no. So I was riding in an Uber in L.A. the day before yesterday. And there was a... The driver was a... a very talkative young man who I think had worked in the motion picture business, but he got laid off, so now he's driving an Uber and still doing video work and so on.

[19:55]

And I thought, this young man seems like the kind of young man I see in San Francisco a lot. And I thought, he reminds me of someone. And he had a beard. He didn't stand up, but I would guess he was not 6'10". I would guess he's about 5'9", or something. How tall are you? 5'7". I guess he's about 5'7". Anyway, he was chatting along as he's driving us to the airport. And I thought he reminds me of someone. He reminds me of someone. I couldn't figure out who it was. I thought he was reminding me of a generic San Francisco young man. Which he did also. And he had a beard. Did I tell you that already? He had a beard and he had glasses. But his glasses were kind of like had big blue rims on it, I think.

[21:00]

Unlike yours. And after I got out of the car, I said goodbye to him and thank you. And I realized... which I knew before, that his name was Tyler. And I thought, oh, the person he reminds me of is a young man that lives in San Francisco named Tyler. But Tyler's girlfriend is named Athena. Is that right? But this guy's girlfriend was not named Athena. So it wasn't you, I guess. I kind of wished I had said to him when I got out of the car, you know, Tyler, you remind me of a young man I know in San Francisco named Tyler. But he had driven away before I remembered it. You appear to me, and you must appear to me, as something else from what you are.

[22:07]

And same for me, to you. And the same for me to myself. And the self makes possible to see the connection between things that are in contrast. The self is the ability for there to be contrastedness. between things that are connected. So there's distress. There is distress. And it's not something to... And again, it's not an error to get rid of. It's a good error. It's the error we can use to become free of error. And the way we do it, basically...

[23:10]

is by trying to be just the right amount like completely the self and this this applies this phenomenon applies to mountains when mountains are completely mountains and the more they're mountains the more they're not mountains and therefore the more they're free of being mountains and we call mountains that we describe mountains that are free of mountains as walking. So an ancient teaching of Zen is that mountains are always walking. Not just occasionally walking, always walking. In other words, they're constantly pivoting on being a mountain and not being a mountain. They're constantly being a mountain and being free of being a mountain and not being a mountain and being free of not being a mountain.

[24:21]

You are constantly pivoting on being yourself and not yourself. Being yourself on self and not self, self and not self. And the not self can be anything and therefore you can be anything. and you are anything because you include everything. And the you that includes everything is included by everything. This is wisdom instruction to be free as the way to be free not from having a self or there being a self, but free of getting deluded about it and suffering because of misunderstanding what the self is.

[25:21]

And again, it's natural to say that the self is. the activity of enlightenment is turning at this place of the self. And the place of the self is the place where all things are not abiding or are non-abiding. When we think that our self is abiding, when we think it is and we believe it, We do so because we have not yet fully become it. And it takes training to fully be ourself. But when we're fully ourself, we no longer believe the self exists by itself because we immediately are relieved by understanding the self is not the self.

[26:36]

Not the self. Not the self. All of not the self is what makes the self. I am made by everything that's not me. And nothing's left out. And everything is made by me. And nothing's left out. but not just by me, by everything includes everybody, including me, and I include everything. But to hear this teaching, to actually practice it, we need to hear it and realize that I'm being myself, not just to be myself, but also to not be myself. And I'm being myself not just to be myself, but to liberate all the not-me's that I am.

[27:44]

When I'm completely myself, I realize not myself, and that liberates everything that's not myself. And the self. In consciousness, there is an appearance now, and the appearance is a thought, and the thought is, if I stop now, it will be a kind of a not very long talk. What time is it? Ten to eleven. Yeah, so if I stop now, it won't be such a long talk, right? Do you have that thought too? In your consciousness? And maybe it might be helpful to mention that this pivoting, this pivotal activity that I'm trying to remember, the pivotal activity of the Buddhas, which happens as each of us, each of us

[29:29]

The pivotal activity is occurring as each of us. I aspire to remember the pivotal activity which occurs as each of us, as me and as you. I try to remember that you could be anything. And that you are me who is not you. I try to remember that and take care of that. And this remembering and this pivoting between being me and not me, this pivoting between being me and including you, and being pervaded by you, and pervading you, that pivot is occurring in stillness, where every moment of my life is this pivoting.

[30:46]

And this pivoting is occurring in the present, in stillness. I'm not making the pivoting happen. It's being given to me as... me in relationship to you. And I'm giving it as me in relationship to you. I cannot give me except in relationship to you. And for me, you cannot exist except in relationship to me. I can't get away from that. I is the place where there's delusion about I and where there's liberation from self-clinging. And again, this liberation is not just a liberation of this person alone, it includes everybody else. Because what I really am is you.

[31:52]

All of you. And much more than just all of you, I am everything that's not me. the same for you. And as I said a moment ago, this meditation that I'm offering to you, which has been given to me, is a wisdom meditation.

[33:01]

And in order to practice this wisdom meditation, in addition to hearing it and remembering it, I need to be here with this person. And I need to be kind to any stress that's present, and by being kind to it, being generous with it and careful of it, in stillness, I can settle into being more and more this self, and therefore be more and more realized, not me, which is all of you. This is how I realize self and other and everybody together is liberated from clinging to mistaken understandings of our life.

[34:08]

One more example. May I? Tyler says yes. Is that okay? One more. Just one. What I just said was an example. But now I want to do two. The example I just gave was, I said, can I give another example? And some people said yes. And then I said, just one. And some people laughed. That was an example of when I asked if I could give an example and you said yes and then I said just one, it was funny for some people. And I'll keep going until everybody laughs. Getting closer, right? And everything I said before this was setting up the humor. So one more, the one I originally wanted to do, I'm going to do now, which is if you by any chance thought that it was a waste of time to come here and listen to this talk, we already got that one, but I'm not done.

[36:31]

If you thought that it was a waste of time to come here and listen to this talk, If you completely become that thought, you realize that it was not a waste of time. And if you by any chance thought it wasn't a waste of time to come here, and you completely become it wasn't a waste of time, you will realize that it was a waste of time. And I think now you're getting the feeling that this understanding of this pivot is actually... pretty funny. And that's part of the relief from self, is that it's really kind of a joke. It's kind of a setup for a wonderful joke. Consciousness is a big setup for a liberating laughter.

[37:33]

that is my final example. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:15]

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