Good evening everyone. Good evening. So we have some technical opportunities tonight. So I will not be wearing a microphone and hopefully people online will be able to hear. Welcome to everyone who's joining online. Welcome to all of you that came here tonight after a beautiful day. So my name is Tim Wicks, in Gyoko Rincho, Dark Jewel, Turning Towards the Light. I read the light, my darling. And I currently serve as tanto, or head of practice here at City Center. And I came to San Francisco Zen Center in 2001.

[01:12]

I've had another practice for several years. My first practice was with a Vipassana teacher who was trained in Theravadan Buddhism. And the point, as I understood it in Theravadan Buddhism, was just to sit. My teacher loved sitting, and he would speak about coming here to the San Francisco Zen Center and leaving whenever we want, when we would all come up to go to service in the morning because he just wanted to sit. And I sat. I quickly developed a sitting practice where I would sit for 40 minutes in the morning and 40 minutes in the evening. I became hungry for sitting. I almost became addicted to it a little bit. It made a lot of sense to me. In this form of sitting, in the Theravata form of sitting, you face outwards towards the teacher or out towards the room. I didn't understand this thing that we do here, which is sitting and facing the wall.

[02:17]

If you've ever been down into our meditation hall, we sit and we face the wall. And I didn't really understand that at all. It took a while for me to understand that what we're being trained to do is to fine-tune an awareness of the subtlety of our senses. Facing the wall, we're being asked to sharpen our perception of what's happening in the world. To become sensitive to what's happening in our lives and also the lives and even the non-living phenomenon around us. Our practice is not just to connect with sentient beings but also non-sentient grass, trees and walls. We understand our interconnectedness to all things. We're made up of water, carbon, Calcium. Fazit ways to develop an awareness of everything you're sitting with in the meditation hall.

[03:23]

Although we're facing the wall, as our founder in China, Bodhidharma, did, we're aware that we sit with others in the room. The rustled clothing, the cough, someone is crying quietly, which is the safe thing to do in meditation hall. These are all sounds to be aware of. that mark the presence of others, and there's something more that is making us aware of each other and the room itself. There's a charged energy in the space that we're being trained to engage with. The energy says, we are alive right now. Together, we live. The space is charged, and there's an overlaying of presences. an intermingling of the energy of human beings with all their pasts, futures, and present moments. Once again, we are shown, we are not separate, we are not alone.

[04:25]

Eihei Tobin was our 13th century founder in Japan, and in his Bodhisattva's Four Methods of Guidance, he speaks of giving, kind speech, beneficial action, and identity action as methods of practice in the way of the Bodhisattvas. He speaks about how each one intertwines with the others so that there are actually 16 methods of guidance. I'd like to focus just on his section on giving for the source. So we are Mahayana Buddhists. Mahayana Buddhism has its ideal, that of the Bodhisattva. The Bodhisattva is someone that practices towards awakening and foregoes entering nirvana till all beings can awaken together.

[05:29]

In giving practice, non-grig, says Dovan, will bring you great merit. What we do in our Mahayana practice creates merit. Merit is worthiness or excellence. We have an interesting relationship with merit in our Mahayana way. We create it by helping all beings to awaken together and then we give it away. We dedicate the merit from our action to the benefit of all beings. This is one of the characteristics of our practice that differentiates us from some other Buddhist traditions. We give as a practice, and the result of that giving, merit, is itself given away. Even if the gift is not your own, there's no reason to keep from giving, says Tobi. The question is not whether the gift is valuable, but whether there is merit. What is it that we give away that is not our own?

[06:36]

Of course, it's the teaching. The teaching does not belong to any one person. Even the teaching ascribed to the Buddha does not belong to the Buddha, but is the product of the awakening of all beings together. I alone, said the Buddha on his awakening, together with all beings awakened. The power, says Dogen, of what he calls causal relations, in other words, the power of our infinitely complex causes and conditions, our karmic relations, says Dopod. When conditioned with giving, causes giving once again. So there's a ripple effect that occurs, an intermingling of giving upon giving as a result of our gift. Dopod quotes the Buddha, when a person who practices giving goes to an assembly, people take notice.

[07:38]

You should know that the mind of such a person communicates subtly with others." Here is the ripple effect of our practice once again. We're learning to pick up on the subtlety. It's an act of intimacy to communicate with subtlety. To communicate in this way is a quiet and unobtrusive way. It's an open way of being in the world. And although it is subtle, people become aware of it and are affected by it. People want to be near an open, giving person. Openness cultivates trust. The mind of a sentient being, says Dogen, is difficult to change. How true and sad this is. For years I tried to stop drinking alcohol and no matter what I did I wasn't able to do it on my own.

[08:43]

My life was a consistent experience of shame. And how painful it is when a loved one is unable to end destructive behavior even when they know how harmful to both themselves and others their behavior is. The pathways and conditioned habit patterns of a mind are difficult to change. sometimes in more subtler forms, even hard to recognize. Before successful sobriety, I didn't understand that I was afraid most of the time. I just thought that I was wrong, in the wrong place, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. I didn't recognize that there's constant tension with fear. Dogen says that to give away the teachings of a former life, and in many ways that's what's sharing in recovery, but recovery is responding to addiction, is giving away the teachings, lessons learned for a former life.

[09:53]

Dogen speaks about the ways to change the mind is through the very act of giving. We talk in recovery about being of service as a treatment for addiction. Serving other addicts as a way to affect, in a positive way, the old habit patterns of an addicted mind. Mind is beyond measure, says Dota. Things given are beyond measure. In giving, mind transforms the gift, and the gift transforms the mind. It's now understood scientifically that the repetition of positive psychological patterns can affect brain plasticity in a feeling way. Investigate, investigate, investigate. Dogen's always telling us, the mind is beyond measure. Investigate this.

[10:54]

In the vast expanse of the mind, there's the possibility of new perspectives. Is it possible for someone who's been engaged only in ruin years on end to become a compassionate and kind person? Keep on changing the mind of the sentient beings that punishes God. Keep giving the teaching. The greatest gift is giving of teaching. Everything we do has an effects. on ourselves and on others. Even if you do nothing, this has an effect on the world in which we live. Darwin speaks about causal relationships. Everything that happens is the result of the causes and conditions that give rise to action. Because this happens, that happens. You look closely at what we call karmic reality.

[11:57]

In giving, we see this ripple effect once again. When something is given, it has a subtle effect on many other things that it touches. This, again, is the doorway to the interconnection of all things. This is true also for giving to the self. When we think of the merit of giving, we're usually thinking about giving to others. We have to consider giving to ourselves in a deeper way, especially in the Western world. Many of those who come to Buddhism come because they have neglected to self. The Dalai Lama famously didn't understand what was meant when low self-esteem was explained to him. The low self-esteem that I'm constantly astonished at, both in myself and in others. In part, I think it comes from our roots in Christian puritanism, but also in the related celebration of individualism.

[13:00]

which often leads to a healthy isolation. Individualism is held up as a virtue of culture, often with ill effects. In our lives, we seek control. We seek control because we want to be safe. We want stability. What we're clear about as Buddhists is that there's very little that is completely stable in the world. We grow old, we get sick and we die. And we spend much of our lives and energy on clinging to the opposites of old age, sickness and death. We want youth, good health and not to die. Wanting control makes us avaricious or stingy. We become selfish and averse to giving and averse to giving, protecting what it is that we have.

[14:00]

Greed and desire for control can become determining factors in our behavior. We see ourselves as separate and want to control and protect what it is that we have. We are born in this present life because of the action of giving, the giving of our parents. In response to the merit of this giving, we are grateful And our gratitude practice acts as a spiritual doorway to ease and spaciousness. I always thought that I was just a burden to my father. He was always under financial pressure. I had three sisters. I felt that I was just a source of stress for him. And I was in some ways. But I was also a source of love and wonder. My father made immense sacrifices quickly. for which I could practice gratitude. Practicing gratitude enables us to recognize all the opportunities we have for giving and sometimes it's our stories that are the greatest gift

[15:11]

One of my favorite parts of the Zen practice period is a three-month period of intensified practice by the way Seeking Mind talks. This is when a practice period participant tells the story of how it is that they came to practice. Usually the stories have something to do with some kind of supper. Only a few people whose lives are free of suffering come to a practice that centralizes an end of suffering. Not so many people come to this practice when they are completely happy. I enjoy way seeking mind talks in the same way that I enjoy the stories that are shared in addiction recovery. They are called shares because you are sharing your experience, the strength you showed at getting into recovery. and the hope that this form of suffering is now behind you. The verb to share became popularized by the recovery community.

[16:27]

It means to give of yourself. What happens when you share? The practice is based on intimacy, the truth of exposure and vulnerability. Bearing yourself is seen as giving. This allows others to join with you in your suffering. It allows others to suffer with you, which is the definition of compassion, to suffer with. Compassion, therefore, is a kind of giving, both giving and receiving. When someone relates to your story, you are receiving their compassion. We are interested in the interplay of the giver, the receiver and the gift. How they come together to make one thing. The gift is nothing without the receiver of the gift itself.

[17:32]

Dovin mentions the importance of giving to yourself. Buddha said that if you search the entire world you'll not find anyone more deserving of your compassion than you. Know the difference between greed and giving to yourself. They are worlds apart and have a completely different feeling. Greed has a basis in fear. Know the internal experience of fear. Study it. Giving you give to yourself without fear is giving based in love. Come to know giving which is based in love. Investigate also Giving without the concern for outcome. Practice non-transactional giving by being aware, once again, of your internal experience when you're giving the gift. Not trying to get something when people is living with an open heart.

[18:33]

Give to yourself and your family. They gave you your life. Even if it's something as small as the particle of dust sits open, the act of giving transforms. Even with something very small, you can rejoice in the act of giving, because each act of giving has the potential to change a relationship. Giving, or dana as it's called, is the first of the paramitas. The paramitas are the skills we develop as dodhisattvas in training. To Dogen, when giving, you're transmitting the merit of the Buddhists and you're practicing the acts of the Bodhisattva. And finally, I just want to say that there's a lot of fear in the world in which we live in today. A lot of uncertainty and instability.

[19:37]

And it's important to practice compassion when we see fear and when we see the results of fear, which is isolation, anger, and a desire for control and greed. It's easy to react to greed and adverse with anger. To remember what it is like to be afraid is to practice compassion. It's in practicing compassion that we can give to the world, and the world that needs our giving, giving to both yourself and to others. In Dogen's world, in Dogen's works, An act of giving has the potential to change the whole world. And I just want to end up by reading a poem. It's called Love After Love. And it's by Derek Walcott. And I want to thank Toby Green for reminding me of this poem that was lost to me. I knew it a long time ago. The time will come.

[20:42]

when with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here, eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine, give bread, give back your heart to itself. Who is the stranger who has loved you all your life, that you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes. Peel the reading from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your blood. Thank you all very much for listening. Ino-san, I think we have plenty of time for questions, aren't we? We do. We don't have a microphone, so people can raise their hands and call.

[21:45]

Okay. And when you ask a question or make your comments, if you can speak loudly so the rest of the room can hear you. Okay. I was wondering that you've stated that this let you go, which is the self to yourself, let you go, very hard. Let you go, or doing yourself, you have to say that we do one sort of thing for our own satisfaction or controlling most of the time. Do you think that's what gives us satisfaction, but it ends up doing the bad part? people around us and mostly for us. But this guilt which stays in you after things happen.

[22:50]

So how do you let it go, that thing? Because it's something which you struggle but it's very hard to forgive yourself. It is. It's very hard to forgive yourself. And The solution for me is sangha, community, being with other people, being with other guilty people, especially other people that have had to go through this process of changing the deep karmic patterns of our thinking and patience. forbearance, being patient, but mostly being with other people who are going through the same process. So, there's some people who weren't really happy when they came to Buddhism, but most of us come because we're suffering, and that's really encouraging to me.

[24:06]

Even though it's painful to be around other people's pain, and around people who are in that process of learning how to let go of their guilt and shame. And that's really what the solution is for me, I think. I mean, I don't know that I'm ever going to completely be free of shame. I don't know that I'll ever be completely free of it. And I'm not sure that I even want to be. because knowledge of it is what helps me to be closer to other people who are going through the same process. So it is hard, but just keep that and join the doors. And it's really important to talk about it. In recovery for addiction,

[25:09]

you're kind of forced to talk about what you did and who you are. And that's really helpful. We don't talk as much as it might be helpful in a Zen practice. We're trying to get a little bit better at it, but talking about it is also really important to other people, other friends. Thank you for your question. Yes, please. We're sorry. Yes, Donald, please. Because you have been taught and we see around that so most of the people say that sharing your dhukkha is not bad. You should share with love. Share with pain. I don't know, of course, consider very bad things. And we also feel that why we're just nagging off the same question with you and you're not even moving it. It's like making your own, you know, bleed, and in that, let us make you out a person also a part of it and suffer.

[26:17]

So we are trying, we are getting, after some time, there are some kind of getting the pleasure of it. So how do I avoid that? Well, that's where a skillful means comes in. There's a time to talk about it and a time not to talk about it. And the main thing is to be aware of What's happening when you're talking about it? Is it something that's keeping you in the same place? Is it something that's maybe... In fact, no, my own shame has been something that has, at times, been a form of being self-centered. It's a way shame can be, sometimes, a way of shutting yourself off from the rest of the world. And that's not good, it's not healthy. Telling your story because you want someone else to relate to it, that is a good thing, that's healthy.

[27:19]

But we need to be aware of what's happening inside when we are talking about it. There's definitely a right time and a wrong time, so appropriate use of our stories. And what is that happened to us? Thank you. Yes, thank you for your talk. Thank you for bringing me up the shame topic. Myself, I'm sure a lot of the people who relate to past mistakes and sharing embarrassment. I'd like to think of myself as have moved on and forgive myself, treat myself with compassion. That how you cope with the people that, well, you remember when you did this? Which is the way your life used to be? I think I can prove. I've had to deal with that situation. Well, you know the story of Angulimala, don't you? No. Angulimala.

[28:20]

Angulimala was apparently a mass murderer in the time of the Buddha. And he became a follower of the Buddha. And you know, they would go through... He was just to beg for alms. And people would see on Willy Mala and they would throw food at him. And because he had killed their relatives. And you know, he complained to the Buddha about how it is that he's on his way, on the road to enlightenment now. And people should see that he's a good person now. And the Buddha said, this is karmic reality for you right here. You've got to take it. So I don't know about you, but I did a lot of damage when I was out there. And every now and then it comes back to remind me of who it is that I am, because it's true that I've moved on for a long time now.

[29:25]

It's been 25 years since I had my last dream. But I'm still reminded sometimes of who it is that I am. And I'm a good person. But I also have this other person inside of me. And I'm not afraid of that person. It's a part of who it is that I am. I'm a whole being. And that includes where it is that I came from. Even though I'm far away from that now. Two things are possible at the same time. Yes, yeah. Thank you. Thank you for your talk. I was curious, what was the catalyst from you going, turning from your teacher, what you were studying, to going from the previous type of wisdom to actual wisdom?

[30:29]

Was there a reason you switched or something like that? Yeah, you've got to be really careful when you start coming to Zeno Center. I didn't like it here at all. I didn't like it. I didn't like all of this stuff. I didn't like the bowing. I didn't like the bells. I didn't like all the ceremony here. It reminded me of the Royal Family in England and this sort of thing. But they had a meeting in this room, both Meditation and Recovering, which we still have on Mondays at 7 o'clock. And I was coming to that meeting. That meeting was for people who were interested in moving this up and having to do everything in recovery. And so I just kept coming to that meeting on Mondays only. I would come straight into this room and then I would leave. And then I heard they do Wednesday night Dharma talks and Saturday Dharma talks.

[31:33]

And I was really into Dharma talks at that time. I was fascinated with the whole process of Dharma. So I would come to those Dharma talks, just come into this room and then leave. And then I noticed they served meals here. So I walked into the building and started eating meals here. And when you start eating meals with other people, you start to make friends. And I made some friends. It was just a few years later that I... The crossover in practice was probably three years. And then I just stopped going to the other one. And the reason why I stopped going to the other one is because of the Mahayana ideal of the Bodhisattva that I spoke about in my talk.

[32:44]

This idea that we practice, move towards awakening, but we forgo the environment. until all beings can be awakened together. That struck me as democratic compared to the Theravada belief, which I saw in my Sangha, my Theravada Sangha, the Sangha was really supporting the teachers in life. And that was very clear to me. I became a part of the leadership of that Sangha and that became very clear to me. And here, there was A lot more democracy. We put like three habits. And they're constantly changing the habits. And it just felt more democratic here. So that's why I made the change. Woke up one day and I was a priest. Yes, please, Victor.

[33:50]

Hey, thank you so much. I'm curious to further investigate the difference between actions coming from greed versus using to ourselves with self-love. And what's on my mind is these sayings you hear of pop culture, like, love yourself, treat yourself, of doing other things of this sort. They're sometimes shallow and empty. It also feels like capitalism has co-opted some of these ideas to such a point that I feel a delusion about what's the difference between the two of them. If there were any other thoughts or instructions you had on this idea, I'd be curious to get more. Well, no, I don't have any other thoughts than the usual one, which is pay attention. Really pay attention to what it is that you're doing.

[34:55]

Pay attention to what it's like to be afraid. Pay attention to... Right now, there's a lot of... Because there's so much instability in the world right now, charities are suffering. We just had a fundraiser gift that usually hits its target, and we didn't hit our target. And some people think that that's just as part of... because of the way the world is right now. So we have an opportunity to look at fear that we have around instability and really pay attention to what's that feeling like inside and how is it affecting my actions? How is it affecting my capacity to give? And then to pay attention more. There's no question about why it is that you're giving. You're really giving from a place of love.

[35:57]

But those are two radically different internal experiences. It's just really, really different. And by paying attention, that's how it is that we can, I think, forego capitalism's usurping of many of the ideals that we talk about. Buddhism. But really, truly paying attention. That's where the hollowness ends and the death begins. I don't know if that's any. I'll put it off to you. That's all inside we have. Okay, thank you very much. I did do something really important in that, but I think Central Abbott, they work it out as simple and allow me to sit in the seat. Thank you very much.

[37:00]

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