November 3rd, 1999, Serial No. 03981

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in tangier
as many of you know i've been gone poor
last week
i got sick a week ago yesterday on tuesday
hum
read enraging sore throat
steffi head
runny nose
and so on
and i was very weak on wednesday so i didn't come on wednesday either
and on wednesday i found out that friend of mine relative
in new york had just died suddenly showing
and so thursday flew to new york
and was there for the funeral on friday morning
and also on saturday to support and comfort patches you know bailey family
mostly i washed dishes and put out food
and then sending very late i flew back
and
got sick again
in this time i was nauseous
can eat
so i think i lost weight
how
and so today
i had a banana
the morning
and try to eat lunch but
as nothing more than than i had a banana
and just had never been

i feel a little bit weak and it's good thing
very good thing because what used to get me in trouble a lot worse speed and energy
and the path that we walk on much of the path that we walk on has to do with
action or i him so i think it's pronounced and in then
what we are i think trying to do is go from self concerned
self
protected
self
related
speed because you need to be speedy either mentally or physically to maintain
the kind of separation that we need
we think we need
to continue
the personality this
yes sir
personal self
so when i feel a little
less energetic
good for me and for everybody else
i don't get into as much trouble
so what is this self concern that we are obsessed with
and we are
what is it how do we study how does it come up
do we really want to pay attention
do we really want to be free
reb road on a rocks of mine
that i had sown for something that i don't remember
and on the back of it he wrote
we are deeply connected
and that's true
we are all totally
some people can argue about and put she really look carefully it can are you were completely connected they play fundamentally one thing
and yet
he continued to write me are separated by a sea of death
she's also true
we live
alone
and our path is our own

and if we study thoroughly enough
why do come to a place of complete desolation
and of course we also die alone
so what do i mean by that is at a threat
is it air
is it just an exaggeration
let's consider
what is this self are supposed to steady
well in class class and giving anywhere sharing with paypal
where talked about the five condos
so way of looking at itself
does it either don't know
at first one is form
okay
is that who we are and body
well i come back to really think your body
now
think about
yeah
we think we have a body
but we really think that there's something looking at the body and naturally identifier

don't really wanted to well in the scandals but i just mentioned them
the second one is sensation
pleasant unpleasant for neutral
the third one is
perception impulse
the fourth is
mental formations
the fifth his consciousness
and we can't find if you look
we can't find a me there
please book
so what i did in class the other day because people weren't really getting it
i took out a book i have kids right now and i threw it at somebody
they almost got it that way then when i did what i picked up my glass of water
and i started to throw it at somebody and of course
i would have
the way
but she understood
so i didn't have to
but if i make a gesture like that you can feel if you were the recipient of that gesture
some things would happen and you would fail yourself
her eyes
you would feel it as if the water was hot like this sensation
on the body pleasant or nine
you would then look to see what just had happened he'd perceive what just happened
you might have a reaction impulse moving away from it
you definitely have some
emotion thought like
i won't swear tonight
sunday
i don't do that to me
and you'd be aware that that just happened k
that is what we are we are a conglomerate of those things and those things only and may happen all by themselves
really i'm not kidding
what in heaven's sake what's your name
what is it some cat but when i asked
hey what's your name
dave hey and he moved here
the david er dave
dave better k
yeah buddha

sencha
okay
gloria stand up singer song
new voice is no good
yeah thread the some cat come when it happens it
to somebody have a and awful for her
dave
i think and hostile here if i would grow my ear i was wanting to do that with my hair when it grows out it's really kind of frizzy and i thought i would do that to you have to get
when did

how can they explain how can i encourage you
to look to see if there's anything there other than
constituent parts all by themselves rolling along
but you know we're afraid
who are afraid instead what we do as we hold on to we search for
we make everything to holistic and separate from myself
in order to maintain the sense that there's a me here

well you can cut through the all that stuff
just watch just be aware of the gossip the goes on in the head all the time
you cause i would have constantly talking to ourselves all the time
why
why can think of it can think of why
the
re why why
intransitive

but it doesn't have to be that way

what would happen would you think would happen if we no longer identified with a watcher but the gabbar with the entertainer
how it happened when it all fall apart
would we not know what to do
maybe
okay this
it would be desolate
because desolate because they wouldn't be you and yourself anymore you'd be alone
let alone by yourself alone with everybody else completely
just this
i visited and man today in
the apartment down by the bus and
that the industry and he's in a man him stomach is distended his legs are paralyzed his two arms don't really work left side of the space has can hang in there in pain
he's afraid
why in the world would he wanna be present

what the world of those supposed to fe yeah
sheriff bread file a ref

i know what i was just with him and we started laughing and music little bit and started to where we did a breathing you know i breathe with him in his body and i asked him if there was really discomfort over the entire body and f
after all he felt like there was some relaxation in some part of his john there was some relaxation and like is over here he wasn't like this was actually relaxed and he found places in his body that he could
then he could be with it we're okay for him and we started listening to music little birdie
and then
he he said that he hadn't slept in a few nights i started blogging is bed oh bed and listened to the music and writing is bad and somehow for that what happened and then it was kind of like sweet and he can extend her lap we started to laugh and then i said was going to take a nap
hey kind of he was on some working infancy can have rolled his eyes back like that and i didn't know whether he was going to die manner where the here is very very terrific
then he started going to sleep as i live

anyway i don't have to tell you guys at all
but it's our concern with this imagined sense of separation that we protect that we defend that we reinforce over and over and over and over again that's painful to us to me
whenever i come from a place of selfishness it hurts
really hurts
and ultimately hurts other people and when you hurt other people it actually hurts again
yourself
so the only thing that cuts through this is sitting meditation
because only with sitting can you actually see the five scandals or it's easiest anyway you can actually look at the five kindness
body you can sensation you can get their perception impulse you can follow it
mental formations for sure
consciousness
and we can practice over and over and over again not holding on
and the only question is
how much how tired of our way of being afraid of our own life
come because that's all we're losing we're not winning you know beating anybody else in this game it's all our own
can do we have the courage to give up the struggle the courage to let go of the grabbing of the seeking
the courage to let go of mental formations and that kind of entertainment the courage to make the effort to be present takes a lot of courage
and we get really in a way we get nothing from it we don't
we know there's nothing extra that we get from it but we get actually is this life
that's our inheritance or inheritances the only thing that we inherit from anybody that has any importance really fundamentally is life itself that's all and then we die in its own i mean i think it's over
and it's really short
it's really sure
so

we together are practicing this practice
and encouraging each other to do this thing
when i was in new york is really interesting i was riding with my brother from them going across the george washington bridge into manhattan
and just as we were going into manhattan my brother said okay now get ready the iq goes up fifteen points
and yet he was right to my cousins my family over there are very successful
they they're very new yorkie in there they have very new york e-type jobs and they're very they're all brilliant and they have these conversations are ill you know sharp and witty and i'm going
i get real dummy
if spiritual actually to be in that kind of mere it's very nice
but it was this a spate of it i noticed the spate of it and how much that speed helps them ignore
their own
ha
doubt
what is this life
what is this life
how in the world that we live it with any kind of integrity not for out there but for here
this integrity
yeah
no you're doing you're comfortable
all i heard you talking about desolation issue
you know if i'm really believe that the us all this a walk out download
you know i don't need you develop enjoy it
i don't you speak about the up community that each other you know
the here for me bringing down the barrier b construct itself is there open myself up when you to the greater know to joy a new to our to the think
to something bigger and wider
and no more wonderful than i can get my here right in my room itself but you know you're going to up with the desolation looming though you know why did the love with in new york
you know i mean you like see that you're not paying a very encouraging of our ah
before you track attractive picture or credit
okay and you know i don't know it's it's it's it's very discouraging
but i don't mean to be discouraging to i didn't say loneliness i said alone he said yes i did say desolate area who needs i have a lot
isn't better that you know my only relief from destination thread
ah
i mean is it fair that painful for you might regret that thing
it isn't it isn't painful i didn't say painful
and i am a week sometimes
the whole of to offer know
could you say but it i thought by people with them okay
oh but first
i'm not saying the destination is bad
there's space and like the desert when everything is desolate is huge space
when you no longer or relating only to your own self and there's not duality in your own self when the duality drops away and there's only one
it is the oneness of all of this space
it's a relief
that's wearing it by destinations huge space
and in fact in that space joy is where joy is found in that space
joy
but tonight
i didn't get that far
sir
so many in it may maybe it isn't enough said about that part
cause when you no longer identify with a watcher and the there is not somebody making all the comments secondary comments and that jokes way and relating to yourself anymore
and you're alone
it's not an alone or sir
loneliness
hello it's an alone of fullness
to spade
and
that's how i see it tonight anyway
so i'm sorry if i and discouraging to people
retain a particular i don't want to discourage you at all
don't right now
hello you know that when think of it is you could run out
but
tickets hitting it they have put the don't have your classroom
he your glasses to read
i maintain taylor
oh
oh
as we told me that she's shaved walked around with him without her glasses because everything was kind of fuzzy and she preached you like have better than have a hey or a sharpness
new a maybe that's enough said because i don't wanna

chasing us song
yeah like i say
pay the longtime sun shine upon you whether from fix it
right
oh we could saying what else comes to mind
it's lil know mine is little line how does ago
adage
in this and anger edge and there's little iowa
allege
marriage
it
this
have it
the know choose is a accuracy almost at every other's sentences to laugh
today the even when it was talking about the most dire things you laugh
he really when he never took it it was an error when i think was a joke to him it was just that it was so
absurd whole thing is so strange
anyway
i hope you sleep well
yeah