As many of you know, I've been gone for the last week. I got sick a week ago yesterday, on Tuesday. Red and raging sore throat. Stuffy head, runny nose, and so on. And I was very weak on Wednesday, so I didn't come on Wednesday either. And on Wednesday I found out that a friend of mine, a relative in New York, had just died suddenly, actually. And so Thursday I flew to New York and was there for the funeral on Friday morning.

[01:17]

And also on Saturday to support and comfort and just, you know, be with the family. Mostly I washed dishes and put out food. And then Sunday, very late, I flew back and got sick again. Only this time I was nauseous. I couldn't eat. So I think I lost weight. I hope. And so today I had a banana in the morning. And I tried to eat lunch, but it was not too good. And then I had another banana. And I just had another banana. So I feel a little bit weak, and it's a good thing.

[02:32]

It's a very good thing, because what used to get me in trouble a lot was speed and energy. And the path that we walk on, much of the path that we walk on, has to do with non-aggression or ahimsa. I think it's pronounced in Indian. And what we are, I think, trying to do is to go from self-concerned, self-protected, self-related speed, because you need to be speedy, either mentally or physically, to maintain the kind of separation that we need, we think we need,

[03:35]

to continue the personality, this personal self. So when I feel a little less energetic, it's good for me and for everybody else. I don't get into as much trouble. So what is this self-concern that we are obsessed with? And we are. What is it? How do we study it? How does it come up? Do we really want to pay attention?

[04:38]

Do we really want to be free? Reb wrote on a raksha of mine that I had sewn for something or another, I don't remember, and on the back of it he wrote, we are deeply connected, and that's true. We are all totally... Some people can argue about it, but if you really look carefully, you can't argue. We're completely connected, deeply, fundamentally, one thing. And yet, he continued to write, we are separated by a sea of death, which is also true. We live alone, and our path is our own.

[05:45]

And if we study thoroughly enough, we do come to a place of complete desolation. And of course, we also die alone. So what do I mean by that? Is that a threat? Is it a... Is it just an exaggeration? Let's consider. What is this self we're supposed to study? Well, in class, a class that I'm giving anywhere, sharing with people, we talked about the five skandhas. It's a way of looking at the self.

[06:53]

For those of you who don't know, the first one is form. Okay, is that who we are? Are we a body? Well, think about it. Do you really think you're a body? No. Think about it. We don't. We think we have a body, but we really think that there's something looking at the body, and that's who we identify with. I don't really want to dwell on the skandhas, but I'll just mention them. The second one is sensation. Pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. The third one is perception, impulse.

[08:03]

The fourth is mental formations. And the fifth is consciousness. And we can't find, if you look, we can't find a me there. Please, look. So, what I did in class the other day, because people weren't really getting it, I took out a book. I have keys right now. And I threw it at somebody. They almost got it that way. Then what I did was, I picked up my glass of water, and I started to throw it at somebody. And of course, I would have. But she understood,

[09:09]

so I didn't have to. But if I make a gesture like that, you can feel, if you were the recipient of that gesture, some things would happen, and you would feel yourself arise. You would feel it as, if the water was hot like this, a sensation on the body, pleasant or not. You would then look to see what just had happened. You'd perceive what just happened. You might have a reaction impulse moving away from it. You definitely have some emotion thought, like, I won't swear tonight. Something.

[10:14]

Like, don't do that to me. And you'd be aware that that just happened. Okay? That is what we are. We are a conglomerate of those things, and those things only, and they happen all by themselves. Really, I'm not kidding. Come on in. Have a seat. What's your name? What is it? Sun Cat. I'm glad I asked. Great. What's your name? Dave? Hi. My name is Tia. David or Dave? Dave better. Okay. You're a Buddha. Sun Cat.

[11:16]

Okay, great. Gloria, stand up, sing a song. Your voice is no good? You have a throat thing? Sun Cat, come on in, have a seat. Does somebody have a zafu for her? Great. Dave? I like that kind of style of hair. If I would grow my hair, I was wanting to do that. My hair, when it grows out, it's really kind of frizzy, and I thought I would do that. Do it. You have to... What? Do that. How can I explain, how can I encourage you to look to see if there's anything there other than constituent parts

[12:18]

all by themselves rolling along. But, you know, we're afraid. We're afraid. Instead, what we do is we hold on to, we search for, we make everything dualistic and separate from ourselves in order to maintain the sense that there's a me here. Well, you can cut through all that stuff. Just watch. Just be aware of the gossip that goes on in the head all the time.

[13:19]

We're constantly talking to ourselves all the time. Why? Why? Do you ever think of it? Do you ever think of why? Why? It just is. It is. But it doesn't have to be that way. What would happen, what do you think would happen if we no longer identified with the watcher, with the gabber, with the entertainer? What would happen? Would it all fall apart?

[14:23]

Would we not know what to do? Maybe. I'll tell you this. It would be desolate desolate because desolate, because there wouldn't be you and yourself anymore. You'd be alone. Alone by yourself, alone with everybody else, completely just this. I visited a man today in the apartment down by DuBose and I forgot the other street. He's in a bed. His stomach is distended.

[15:27]

His legs are paralyzed. His two arms don't really work. The left side of his face is kind of hanging there. He's in pain and he's afraid. Why in the world would he want to be present? What in the world was I supposed to say? Sure, right. Follow your breath. Well, you know, I was just with him and we started listening to music a little bit and we started to talk a little bit and we did a breathing. I breathed with him in his body and I asked him if there was really discomfort over the entire body and after all he felt like there was some relaxation in some part of his jaw

[16:28]

and there was some relaxation and like over here he wasn't like this. It was actually relaxed and he found places in his body that he could be with that were okay for him. Then we started listening to music a little bit and then he said that he hadn't slept in a few nights so I started rocking his bed a little bit and listening to the music and rocking his bed and somehow I forgot what happened and then it was kind of like sweet and then he started to laugh. We started to laugh and then I said it was time to take a nap and he was on some morphine or something so he kind of rolled his eyes back like that and I didn't know whether he was going to die then or whether he was really going to sleep. So then he started going to sleep as I left. Anyway, I don't have to tell you guys, at all

[17:31]

but it's our concern with this imagined sense of separation that we protect, that we defend that we reinforce over and over and over and over again that's painful to us, to me. Whenever I come from a place of selfishness it hurts. It really hurts. And ultimately it hurts other people and when you hurt other people it actually hurts again. Yourself. So, the only thing that cuts through this is sitting meditation. Because only with sitting can you actually see the five skandhas, or it's easiest anyway. You can actually look at the five skandhas. Body, you can... sensation, you can get there. Perception, impulse, you can follow it.

[18:33]

Mental formations, for sure. Consciousness. And we can practice over and over and over again not holding on. And the only question is how much, how tired are we of being afraid of our own life? Because that's all we're losing. We're not winning. We're not beating anybody else in this game. It's all our own. Do we have the courage to give up the struggle? The courage to let go of the grabbing of the seeking? The courage to let go of mental formations and that kind of entertainment? The courage to make the effort to be present takes a lot of courage. And we get, really, in a way,

[19:36]

we get nothing from it. We don't. There's nothing extra that we get from it. What we get, actually, is this life. That's our inheritance. Our inheritance is the only thing that we inherit from anybody that has any importance to us. That's really, fundamentally, is life itself. That's all. And then we die and it's over. I mean, I think it's over. And it's really short. It's really short. So... We, together, are practicing this practice and encouraging each other to do this thing. When I was in New York, it was really interesting. I was riding with my brother

[20:37]

from going across the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan. And just as we were going into Manhattan, my brother said, Okay, now, get ready. The IQ goes up 15 points. And he was right, too. My cousins, my family over there, are very successful. They're very New York-y in there. They have very New York-y type jobs and they're very... They're all brilliant and they have these conversations. They're real sharp and witty. And I'm going, Duh. I felt like a real dummy. It's beautiful, actually, to be in that kind of... Yeah, it's very nice. But it was the speed of it. I noticed the speed of it and how much that speed helps them ignore their own...

[21:40]

Huh? Doubt. What is this life? What is this life? How in the world do we live it with any kind of integrity? Not for out there, but for here. This integrity. Yeah? I feel like I need to speak up because I'm feeling very uncomfortable. All I hear you talking about is desolation, death. If I really believed that that's all this practice was about, I'd walk out now and never come back. I don't hear you speak about the joy of practice. I don't hear you speak about the communion that we feel with each other. When we get... The idea for me of breaking down the barrier of the constructed self is to open myself up

[22:40]

to the greater... To joy. To the absolute. To something bigger and wider and more wonderful than I can get when I am in my limited self. But if all I knew that I was going to get out of it was desolation, loneliness and death, why the hell not live in New York? You know? I mean, you don't... Excuse me, but you're not painting a very encouraging or attractive picture of practice for me. And, you know, I don't know. It's very discouraging. Well, I don't mean to be discouraging to you. I didn't say loneliness. I said alone. You said desolation. I did say desolation. I mean, who needs it? I have a lot of it. As a matter of fact, you know, my only relief from desolation is practice. Well...

[23:47]

I mean, is it that painful for you? Why do you practice if it's that painful? Is there anything else more painful? It isn't painful. I didn't say painful. I am... Sometimes. No. Okay. But, first, I'm not saying that desolation is bad. There's space in, like, the desert. When everything is desolate, there's huge space. When you no longer are relating only to your own self, when there's not duality in your own self, when the duality drops away and there's only one, it is the oneness of all of this space. It's a relief. That's what I meant by desolation.

[24:47]

Huge space. And, in fact, in that space, there's joy. It's where joy is found in that space. Joy. But tonight... I didn't get that far. So, maybe that... Maybe... Is that enough said about that part? Of it? Because when you no longer identify with the watcher and there's not somebody making all the comments, secondary comments, and that drops away, you're not relating to yourself anymore. And you're alone. It's not an aloneness of loneliness. Loneliness. It's an alone of fullness.

[25:52]

Anyway, it's a stage. And... That's how I see it tonight, anyway. So, I'm sorry if I am discouraging to people. Or to you in particular. I don't want to discourage you at all. I apologize. So, don't run out. Although, you know, the thing of it is, you could run out, I suppose. I could see you doing that. You don't have your glasses? You use your glasses to read? Oh, you take them off? Oh. Oh. Leslie told me that. She even walked around with them without her glasses because everything was kind of fuzzy.

[26:56]

And she liked that better than having a real sharpness. Anyway, maybe that's enough said because I don't want to... So... Shall we sing a song? Yeah? What would you like to sing? May the long time sun shine upon you. Remember that from the sixties? It's like... Or we could sing... What else comes to mind? This little light of mine. No. This little light of... How does it go? I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

[27:58]

Let it shine. How's that? You know, it's true, Suzuki Roshi, almost at every other sentence he used to laugh. It's amazing, even when he was talking about the most dire things, he'd laugh. He really would. He never took it... I don't think it was a joke to him, it was just that it was so absurd, you know, the whole thing is so strange. Anyway, I hope you sleep well.

[28:32]

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