I saw Russ leave today. Joe's with her, I take it. Everything is as it should be. How nice. Yes. As I was doing the bows and so on and so forth and sitting down, it occurred to me that, a couple of things. One was that, what could I give tonight? And I was thinking, what have I withheld from people, you know?

[01:12]

And then I thought, well, maybe I have been withholding my vulnerability. And I thought, maybe they don't know that, or maybe they do, I don't know. But anyway, that's what I thought. And the other thing I thought was, how nice it was that you come to these talks, because that's a gift to me. And I get to study and think and be with you in a way that I can't be with you, like on Saturday. This is to me more intimate, it's more close. We know each other. So, I'm wondering why you're sitting so far away, so many holes.

[02:15]

Come close, come on. Oh, so good, it feels warmer now to me. Although I was saying at the tea today that one of the things, here's something to know, one of the things that really gets me is space, I have to have my space, because I grew up in a family where the boundaries weren't real clear. So, it turns out in my life I've been trying to make some boundaries. So when I was tensor at Tassajara, and somebody put something on my desk, it was a real problem. My desk was the only place in the kitchen that was inviolable.

[03:23]

Anyway, so I want you to think tonight, right now, and even as I talk, as a matter of fact, as I talk, it's okay with me if you continue thinking, because what I want to do tonight, at the end of tonight, the talk, which is not going to be too long, what I'd like you to do is to think of something that you have received that you are thankful for. Maybe two things. I'm not going to ask for much, just one or two things, but if, well, also it might go too long if you think of too many things, but if you have a lot of things to think of, that's nice for you. But I'm going to ask us to just share at the end, very quietly, with no comment, no nothing, just go from person to person to person, and just say something that you've received,

[04:34]

that you feel you've received. Some of you are going to have to think hard, so you might not be listening to me much tonight, but that's okay, maybe that's your gift, in a way, you have a real clear picture of the practice, because there's pain there. So, you can start thinking now. Meantime, I'll talk to you a little bit, and then at the end, we'll just go through one or two things, each person will say something. So, as you know, tomorrow is the day that we celebrate Thanksgiving, and Judith, who gave her way-seeking mind talk today, mentioned that in Alcoholics Anonymous, the whole month they devote to gratitude.

[05:34]

So, today, at Zen Center today and tomorrow, we're going to celebrate this holiday of Thanksgiving, and it's clear, I think, to anyone who has grown up anyway in this culture, and that our culture is... the main, I would say, thrust of our culture was not necessarily one of giving, but getting, that the things that we're taught and told in our culture is that if we, of course, had this, that, or the other thing, we would be happy. It's the kind of gimme, gimme, gimme culture, or if I just had, or if only, something like that. And, because it is that way, we're destroying the earth.

[06:40]

We're destroying our home, little by little. It's not funny. And this is based on, as we Buddhists know, it's based on this sense of separation, and out of the sense of separation, out of this delusion, this holding to a sense of separation, we are willing to, you know, gather to us what we think will make us happy, and push away what... well, mostly gather to us what we think will make us happy. And the United States is so good at it, we're so good at consuming, that we're going to consume ourselves to death, to oblivion. This is not funny. So, often, I would say that we almost rarely do we, in our culture, talk about giving. Although, the Indians in the Northwest, they do potlatches.

[07:45]

Do you know the name of those Indians, anybody? Kwakiutl, right, you're right, Kwakiutl Indians. They had this wonderful thing that the people who gathered and gathered and gathered, and were really good at gathering and gathered the most, would give it away. And their status in the tribe was very connected to how much they gave away, which is a wonderful thing. But anyway, in our culture, we don't so much take pride, we don't gain a lot of points for giving away. And people give a lot in the United States because they get tax deductions. That's not the only reason, but it's a big reason for people with a lot of money. And I apologize to those who are giving from the heart as well. I'm sure that they pick and choose, you know, what particular things they want to give to.

[08:47]

So, it's not all just self-serving. But anyway, wouldn't you say that mostly the culture is about getting rather than giving? Enough of that. So, often, we don't really kind of know how to give or what that even feels like. We often give, mostly, oftentimes, maybe I'm just talking for myself, we give expecting something in return. Either having somebody think of us as a nice person, or getting something back from that person, or something. But there's expectation along with the gift. But at Tassajara, there's this wonderful ceremony called the ninjas. Oh, I forgot to bring the poem. Shucks. Called the ninjas ceremony, where everybody in the community thanks everybody else in the community.

[09:49]

It's a really terrific ceremony, but nobody gets told what the ceremony is about. So, it took me years to figure it out. And I think this is what it's about, but still no one's ever told me. But what you do is, you know when you go around and you make a jando? A jando is, I don't know if you know, because it happens behind you, but in the morning when the doshi goes around, the doshi... Oh, we don't do it here at all. No, so at Tassajara, a jando is... Oh, yes we do. When the cook's jando, you know, the cook is in this kind of position going around, basically what they're doing is they're gosh-showing to everybody and everybody is gosh-showing back. So, at Tassajara, they do that. First of all, you have to wait outside interminably in the cold, freezing cold in the winter, while the doshi goes around to all the different altars and offers incense at all the altars, and then the doshi goes in and does a jando for everybody's seat,

[10:52]

in front of everybody's seat, and then the shuso goes in, the head student goes in and makes a jando, and then in the meantime, everybody's waiting outside. It gets really cold, the toes, particularly the toes. So anyway, then it's time for the whole community comes in, three at a time. Come in, three at a time, and then there's a little... Kobaku, thank you, is over there. The kobaku and the middle person offers incense, and all three people bow together, like that, and then you go and you do this jando in front of everybody, I mean, whoever's at that time in the jando, but all of the seats. Then you go to your seat, then the next three people come in, and so on, so on, so on. By the end of the ceremony, everybody has done a jando in front of everybody else. So it's a ceremony of appreciation and thank you,

[11:54]

and connectedness as a sangha, the oneness of the sangha, and the appreciation of each individual person as an individual. It's a wonderful ceremony. And you do it at the end of every monastic week. So every week you do that ceremony of remembrance, of thank you very much. Isn't that great? It's really great. So, this giving and thanking, giving and thanking, giving and thanking. Also, one time I was at Tassajara, Reb was leading the practice period, and he had this thing where people had to say three things. They had to say to another person, and we had to do this individually with each person, thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you. It was really interesting. You had to face every single person in the sangha,

[12:58]

and to that person you had to say, thank you for... You didn't even say for anything, just thank you. And then, I'm sorry for whatever I've done to hurt you, and I love you. I guess the I love you part is a little bit of a stretch, but it didn't seem like it at Tassajara. I don't know. Anyway, it's very interesting. So, giving, so thanking and thanks... So giving, actually I'm talking about giving. I'm talking about giving, and giving, according to Dogen, according to Suzuki Roshi, in his books, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, he has a little fascicle called God-giving, God-giving, and he quotes Dogen in that fascicle, and what he says, what Dogen says is, that giving is basically non-attachment. So he doesn't emphasize so much the activity of giving as he emphasizes the activity of not holding on,

[14:01]

which actually is one of the precepts, the eighth, I think, precept is called, don't be possessive of anything. And one of the main things, of course, that we're possessive of is the self. And we can't really give anything if it comes from a place of self. So we always have to be aware of the motivation of what it is when we are giving a gift. So if we really check it out, and we're not giving from a place of wanting something in return, that's a pretty trustwild gift. And the same thing is true with saying no. Sometimes saying no is a gift. But if it comes from a place of self-concern, or self, not concern, I don't like concern, but self-thinking of self, self-reflecting, then you have to wonder about it. But it's very difficult to know whether the right thing is to give a yes or to give a no, unless you're really clear

[15:04]

and you can see the situation really clearly. But if there's a lot of you mucked up in the situation, that's something to be aware of. Are we giving because we want to get something back, or are we giving with completely no expectation, completely unconditioned gift? And when we give in that way, the reason why we feel good about it is because we feel connected, because there's no self there. We're just completely one giver— doesn't that sound familiar? Giver, receiver, and gift. Completely the emptiness of giver, receiver, and gift because they're one, because they're one. Because you can't have a giver without a receiver. Right? Isn't that true? You can't have a giver without a receiver. So, giving and receiving is completely not separate, which is really interesting because— it just occurs to me— because that's how connected we are with everything,

[16:06]

but we don't get it. So, the emptiness of giver, receiver, and gift is the emptiness of giver, receiver, arising together without obstruction. And that's why we feel good when we give. So, what I really wanted to talk about tonight is receiving, because receiving is a really important part of giving. And as a matter of fact, thanksgiving is really about receiving, because when you say thank you, you've just received something. So, thanksgiving is not really about giving, although we gave tonight, but it's really about receiving. And receiving, interestingly enough,

[17:10]

for many people, is more difficult than giving. Sometimes it's very difficult to receive. Now, Trungpa said— I'm going back to giving again. Trungpa said, the reason why it's so difficult sometimes for people to give is because we come from a place of poverty, because underneath it all we feel like we lack something. And spiritual poverty or financial poverty makes no difference. If we give a penny fully, coming from a place of magnanimity, it's the same as if you give really a lot. It's a question of whether you have inside ourselves a sense of the glass is half full or the glass is half empty. If mostly your life is the glass is half empty, you're coming from a place of poverty.

[18:12]

And nobody is poor in that way at all. When I was in India, that's the one thing that really struck me. India is a very weird place, but one of the things that's— first of all, the reason why I say weird is because it takes away from you all of your ideas of what you thought was right or wrong or good or bad or anything. It's really incredible in that way. So I was there, and when I landed, I went to India with a Catholic nun because I was in Africa, and I was going home that way. So I met her in Africa, and we both were on the plane together, and so she invited me to come to her monastery and stay there for a little bit in India. And it never occurred to me when she said that that, of course, her monastery would be completely in the midst of the worst, you know, indescribably wretched place in India,

[19:30]

called—it started with an M, and the place was called— darn, it's such an ironic name. I always forget it. Oh, I forgot. But anyway, so we got off the plane and we're going deeper and deeper and deeper into an area that's completely way beyond what my idea of poverty is supposed to be about. I mean, this is really amazing. There were, like, first of all, no toilets anywhere, so people, when they defecated, they did it just all over the street, and on and on and on. It was like the smell and everything is so overwhelming that you just have to give up. You just completely give up what your idea of anything is, and then you meet the people, because she took me around. And the strangest thing of all for me was that the people didn't feel, from their side, poor,

[20:39]

which completely blew me away. You know, the feeling that I got from them was of abundance and of, you know, they were not miserable because of the poverty, which was really interesting to me. But anyway, I'm way digressing. Well, mostly I'm digressing because I can't see my notes. Aha! Okay. Oh, right. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Good, almost done. Great. So, surrender. So I want to talk about surrender. Oh, yeah, right, right, right, right. So the question is,

[21:49]

how much can we actually receive in our life? So, for example, it's okay to receive, let's say, a gift on your birthday, although for some people it isn't, because for some people that gift won't be enough. Or it's okay to receive a certain kind of gift from somebody, but if you're really connected with that person and they miss and you think that they haven't really seen who you are, that gift will be difficult to receive. Or what if you're given something really in your life that you don't expect? For example, illness. Can we receive that? So where is it in your particular life that you draw the line? You know, I can receive money, but I can't receive, I don't know, ill health.

[22:58]

I can receive, I don't know, I don't know, I can't make it up for you. But think on your own self, where is it that your line stops? I'm okay with feelings of gratitude, but I'm not okay when somebody's angry with me. Can we receive that? Can you receive negative feedback, criticism, but you can't receive compliments? Can you receive compliments, but you can't take any feedback? Where is it that you say, this is not okay? Now, for a person who really is into control, they're going to make sure that basically in their life they're going to receive what they want and not receive what they don't want. But our practice is about surrender. It's about not being in control. It's about accepting life the way it comes to us,

[24:02]

receiving what is our life in that moment. And can we say yes to that? Not so much that it's what we want to have happen, but yes, this actually is happening. And sometimes we have to go through difficulty over and over and over and over again before we can actually say yes. Because it might be that the difficulty that comes to, let's say, whatever, you have difficulty with some person, we all have difficulty with each other here in the Sangha, so maybe that person that you have difficulty with, you have difficulty over and [...] over, and then one day it's different. And you can say yes. The kind of mind that we want to develop in our practice

[25:10]

is a mind, a flexible mind, an open mind, a mind that is surrendered to what our life is as it arises for us. Yes. Completely receiving. And this is our zazen. This is zazen. So yesterday, the other day, we had a half-day sitting. Paul and I and two other people sat, and at first when I walked in the room I thought, oops, because about ten people signed up on the list. So I was at first kind of taken aback. And then we started to sit, and it was lovely, and Paul invited the two people. At first they were sitting kind of over there. Paul invited the two people to sit right next to us.

[26:11]

So the four of us were kind of zazendo for the morning. It was really sweet. It was lovely, it was really lovely. And then at some point I left, and I actually wanted to go to a staff meeting, a little bit of it. So I walked myself up and went to the staff meeting and sat there. I didn't feel like saying very much, but I was happy to be there. And the day before I had a little difficulty in one of our other meetings, so it was good that I was there, I think. So I went and sat, and it was very nice, very kind. Actually, it was very kind, the way he did it. And then I left, and then I went to see Alan Dennison,

[27:11]

whose uncle just died, and talked about death for a while. And then I went downstairs, and I went back to the zazendo and sat. And I could say yes to every single thing that happened that day. But I wasn't able to say yes to what happened the day before as much, you know. It was difficult. But because it was difficult the day before, and maybe I didn't exactly completely say no, because things have been working on staff a lot, so something turned in the difficulty that actually allowed me to say yes the next day. And I think a number of us did. So the next day was very different than usual after we have difficulty.

[28:12]

Anyway, that's just a thought. So I hope you've been thinking while I've been talking. Did I miss something I wanted to say? I don't think so. All right. So now, not too long, because we should stop soon, but I thought we would just go around the room and think of something that you have received, good or bad, doesn't matter, so-called good or bad, difficult, how about difficult or not difficult, or challenging or not challenging, something like that, that you would like to share with people, that you can say thank you. Okay? Marvin, why don't you start? Tuesday I received a dead battery,

[29:16]

because I left my lights on. But the next thing I knew, he asked the first person involved if they could give me a battery boost, and I had cables, and he had the car, so he did give me a boost, which I'm very grateful for. Thank you. I'm thankful for the love of my life and the community I have from everyone here in the psych business. I'm thankful for the help that I received in securing a new job that I really enjoy, and for my late lady allowing me to have a new cooch.

[30:20]

I'm thankful for the three cans of food that David got me today to give in the ceremony, and then we could split that up between the three of us together. I'm thankful for a friend who gave me a little bottle of ginseng. It's kind of what I do. I just felt a little bit better trying to take care of myself. I don't know. I received an opportunity to practice here that's had a bit more difficult end, and I just feel very friendly. Hal? I'm thankful for a great schedule that allows me to work in the day

[31:27]

and practice in the morning. I'm really grateful for the water that Melvin's been sharing with us. I really appreciate it. I'm thankful for... I'm lucky to have two good friends, and just that they exist here in the journey, I think that's part of what keeps me alive. I received food. I'm thankful for the series of coincidence

[32:37]

and opportunities that have helped me start practicing. I'm thankful for Melvin and his family. I'm thankful for all of the... I'm thankful for... I'm thankful to receive the opportunity to be here, part of this community, and receive some information about the energy of the soul, and to receive a lot of love from my family here. Thank you. It's given me a chance to practice, and to learn to make a wheel,

[33:38]

and I'm grateful for that. So it's an opportunity to continue. I was thinking about a woman who I didn't know before, and just by her good energy, she gave me another moment of new life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to practice and for all the support I'm getting, and for the opportunity to totally expose myself in public. But... But... I received true friendship and lots of good, hard, deep love.

[34:42]

I'm grateful for my health, which is coming back, and the environment, the sound, which... which supported me during this very difficult period. I'm grateful for my mom, and having the ability to spend time with her. I'm grateful for new, close friendship, and the laughter and difficulty that it brings. I'm grateful for the half an hour of doing meal prep, so I can come to another service. And... I'm grateful to my grandchildren. I'm grateful for the support my friends give me when I let them,

[35:47]

and I'm grateful for the Harry Potter books I have for them. I'm thankful for the support of a strong guy and teachers. I'm thankful for the tremendous sex and alcohol. I'm thankful for the support from my family. I'm thankful for health, and for the abundance of food. I'm thankful for the connecting with my friends, who have fought for me all the way back. I'm thankful for the intimacy of my family. I received the opportunity and the support to be here in the community and practice, and I received a wonderful relationship that's teaching me

[36:48]

how to hold and be held with open hands. I'm grateful for the love of my friends, who continue to help me out no matter how difficult my life can be. I'm grateful for the miracle of these days, and for the goodness of receiving it, which is... it's not easy. I'm thankful for the relationships in my life with family and friends. I'm thankful for having a good school. I'm thankful for being able to challenge the person that I am. I'm thankful for a strong guy,

[37:49]

and his brother, and this wonderful weekend, and for being able to spend it with him. I'm grateful for this life. I'm grateful that every morning I get up, and smell this wonderful breakfast, and sit at a table full of people that I learn from and have fun with. I'm grateful for my ability to feel gratitude, which is a really wonderful gift. And oddly enough, I'm really grateful that you're all letting me do this job,

[38:52]

and being able to do it. I'm grateful for the love and challenges that I'm having. I'm grateful for love, family, and fondness, and the many darlings that arrive every day. I'm grateful for pride. I feel like it's led me on an enchanted adventure. It's been a lot of fun. I'm grateful for the American Embassy in London. They want me there, but... I'm grateful for all the people I've met, and spent time with in my wonderful life. I think...

[39:56]

I was grateful for... Someone put flowers in the hall of the building when I walked over here. It was really nice. And I don't know what I would have done in my life without this practice. Then I thought, one small other thing. If you can think of something during these next few days to give that you haven't... It's not easy for us. Like a look at someone, or a smile at someone you usually kind of ignore or pass by. Or something that for you is just a little bit... just a little bit more. Think of something like that, and then see if you can make a vow

[41:07]

to do that one thing, that one... openness. And then, please take care of yourselves over this weekend. Please don't eat too much, okay? But have a good time. But have a good time.

[41:26]

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