This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone. Lovely to see you all. And I'd like to dedicate this talk to my dear teacher, Zinke Blanche Hartman. Thank you, Blanche. I feel a bit like Lady Gaga with this. I should probably begin by mentioning that I've actually left the city. About three months ago I lost most of my funding for the street ministry that I have and it was time to head for the hills.

[01:11]

So I have headed for the hills and I'm living at the beautiful place called Jikoji. I just moved there I think about a week and a half ago. It's kind of hard to tell. It's been quite a journey So there are only eight people there. And basically we host retreats, all kinds of retreats. This weekend, for example, there's one called Heart Hacking. Heart Hacking. I think it's, I hope it's to do with computers. I think it's to do with computers. But I still will come into the city every now and then. keep an eye on things and visit my tree hospice where I work and the shelters where I work and places like that. So I encourage everyone to come up and visit Jokoji. It's just mountains and trees and deer and wild turkeys and a couple of beautiful cats and some lovely dharma.

[02:25]

We just had, I just sat four days of a sushin there with Angie Boiseving. I think I've pronounced her name correctly. And it was quite wonderful. My students, oh, hi, over there. We always sat outdoors, usually. We liked sitting in community gardens and looking at the trees and the flowers. So it was actually quite strange to spend a few days staring at the wall. And I kept thinking, why am I staring at this wall? If I just stretched up a bit, I could see out of the window and see all the trees and everything. But actually, it's a good thing to do. You can lose yourself in the trees, which is quite wonderful. But to reflect back on yourself, that white wall's pretty good.

[03:28]

But I want to encourage everybody to not just practice when you're staring at the wall. Many, many different forms of, or different doorways to Zazan. developed working out on the streets. And I would just like to encourage everybody to use everything in front of you as your focus. One of our favorite meditations was can of soda meditation. That's a really good one. I had a lady who unfortunately compulsively stole And she had been stealing dresses for about 30 years, usually from a big posh store, maybe Macy's, something like that. And she never knew why she stole those dresses. And it got her in all kinds of trouble, of course, jail and all sorts of things.

[04:34]

So we were talking one day and every time she got near the subject of why that would happen, why something kept devastating her life that way. She got triggered, if you know what I mean. She became very emotionally upset and couldn't focus anymore and it was all over. So I took her to a cafe and we got a can of soda each. And so you just hold the soda in your hands and then you can use your sense of touch And then you can hear the bubbles. And every now and then, if it's really difficult, you can taste it just to really keep you here. And over time, she actually started to get deeper and deeper. And every time she got upset, she got back to Kanasodazan. And in that way, she was able to get in deeper than she had before. And she finally found out why she was stealing the dresses.

[05:40]

It turned out her father had promised her a lovely dress on her eighth birthday, and it didn't happen. It never happened. She never got that dress. So she was actually delighted to realize, you know, I said to her, you've been stealing that same dress for 30 years. And she was so delighted to realize that. And then she laughed and laughed and said, you know something funny, Jana? I don't even like dresses. So whatever it is that's right in front of you, it doesn't have to be the wall. The breath is with you, luckily, wherever you are. I just want to give great encouragement to keep going with practice. Or if you haven't started yet, start it right away. There's really... I mean, to... I have robes and, well, I had a shaved head, but anyway.

[06:40]

All these outward things are not that important. It doesn't really matter if you're wearing robes or you've got hair or not hair or anything like that. These are not qualifications, you know. So whenever you're feeling troubled, you can just use whatever's right in front of you. Pair of glasses meditation. That's a good one. You know, you just pick them up and have a look how the world looks without your glasses and then... Oh, my goodness, I can see you all. Wow. So, and taking them off again. So I really want to encourage a kind of everyday practice for everybody. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. So I was lucky, as I said, to sit with Angie Boisevain.

[07:46]

Blanche had to tutor me on that name. I finally got it, Boisevain. So then I could pronounce it correctly. And she was talking on... fascicle of Dogen from Moon and the Dew Drop. The one that's all about we're all Buddhas. And I thought that was so important too. Again, we tend to think there's some big thing up there. We forget that this is Buddha and this is Buddha and this is Buddha. It's this idea that we're separate, I think, Suzuki Roshi maybe said, the biggest delusion is that of separation. And I think that's the biggest suffering. The fact that we feel we're all separate from each other and we've all got these things going on and probably everybody else has got it figured out much better than we have.

[08:53]

It's only us really that's stuck with all these nasty parts that you want to hide from everybody. try and present all the good parts. We have to remember that Buddha abandoned his wife and children and went away. There's not a perfect person somewhere over there that you can achieve. There's some other thing over there. If only you could do this, that or the other, then you would feel better because then you would become this better person. And there isn't a better person to become, really. And that idea of separation is so painful. And you end up comparing yourself to other people and then judging other people. Somehow up at Jokoji in the woods, it was easier to see that, you know...

[09:56]

We are the bluebirds. Remember the bluebirds at Tassajara? We've got them up there. Same bluebirds, I think. You know, we are the bluebirds. We are the trees. We're the earth that the trees are rooted in. Somehow it's a bit easier up there. Somehow in the city, one feels, you know, you have to look out, you have to watch out what's happening, you know. The only really dangerous thing up at Jikoji, I think, is the coyote I saw the other day, and he wasn't coming anywhere near me. So I brought, of course, I brought an old friend with me. Not that I knew him, I'm not that old. Rumi talks a lot about this whole idea that we're separate from each other, that we're separate from everything else in life. And how could we be? How could we possibly be separate?

[10:59]

I mean, how long would you last without the air, for example? We're not separate from the air. We're breathing the same air. We're breathing, in fact, the same air that's always been around. That's why it gets a bit old sometimes. So, Rumi always has such wonderful things to say. And... I was trying to remember one yesterday at tea time with Angie, and I couldn't remember it. I have a terrible memory. But that's all right. And so I had to have a look in my book when I got to San Francisco today. And I did find it. There we are.

[11:59]

This is a beautiful Rumi poem, Say I Am You. I am dust particles in sunlight. I am the round sun. To the bits of dust I say, stay. To the sun, keep moving. I am morning mist and the breathing of evening. I am wind in the top of a grove and surf on the cliff. Mast, rudder, helmsman and keel, I am also the coral reef they founder on. I am a tree with a painted parrot in its branches. Silence, thought and voice. The musical air coming through a flute, a spark of a stone. a flickering in metal, both candle and the moth crazy around it, rose and the nightingale lost in the fragrance.

[13:01]

I am all orders of being, the circling galaxy, the evolutionary intelligence, the lift and the falling away. What is and what isn't? You who know Jaludin, You, the one in all, say who I am. Say, I am you. Say, I am you. So it's that very idea of that separation from each other, that judging. And the person that we usually judge the most when we're busy with this process of, I'm not like you, I'm just different from you. The person we usually hurt the most and who suffers the most in that process is ourselves. There's always someone that's going to look a lot better than you do. And there's always someone going to look an awful lot worse as well.

[14:06]

And I think that's why they call it odious comparison. to compare ourselves to others constantly. So what really is separating us? You got any answers there? What really separates us? Aha! Fear. Fear. What do you think that fear's of? Fear of getting too close. Anybody else? Ah. Fear of being pushed away, of not being acceptable. Actually, I bet we could go around the room and everybody would have another contribution to that. Why?

[15:08]

Why can't we be just as one? What stops that? I mean, is it politics? Well, why would it be? I mean, the Democrats and Republicans are supported by the same people. What is it? It's a very good question to sit with. What is it that causes you to think you're separate from other people? When after all, I believe we're all in the same boat. Everyone wants to be cared about. Everyone would like to care about others. We're all going to die. Sorry, but it's true. But what is it that makes it so different? And I think that you're probably right. There's some fear involved there. Some fear of just losing the self that seems so important. And yet, the Four Noble Truths, you know... The first noble truth, well, the Scottish version, by Kosho McCall, actually, the first noble truth, it's always something.

[16:18]

And the second noble truth in Scottish is why? What? What? Why is it always something? And then it's because we're attached to this, our ideas of this, what this is. Or even more importantly, perhaps, what it should be. What it should be if I just got it right. And in actual fact, there is no perfect person. There isn't a better version of you somewhere else. And Suzuki Roshi said, we're all perfect just the way we are. And we could all use a little improvement. And what always strikes me is that everybody agrees with that second part. Oh yes, I need some improvement. There's this, that and the other thing that's not quite right about me. I could use improving in some of these areas. But the fact is that because no one is a Ken and Barbie doll perfect, that makes us all perfect.

[17:30]

You're the most perfect you you could ever be. And that includes the parts that we don't like to share with other people. Everybody's got what they call a shadow side. It's just the other side that's cast by the light. That's all. So I want to encourage again this every day, every moment practice of Zazan. And ask yourself, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And see what you come up with. And then share that with a few other people and you'll find out they're all coming up with the same thing. There really is no need to feel that, you know, I used to feel that everybody else was okay but there was something really wrong with me. That was kind of how I was going through life.

[18:31]

Everybody else seemed to have it together. There were all people higher up than I was. And really, you know, someone close to me once said to me, you're just a big emotional mess. And I thought, well, that's probably true. I'm just a big emotional mess. But you know what? We all are. Absolutely every one of us. Now, I'm not accusing anyone of being an animal. Don't get me wrong. But every single one of us has something going on. And that's what makes us all perfect. Absolutely perfect. So, if you're feeling badly about yourself, it's okay. That's alright. It's okay to feel badly. And then you'll feel alright again. So... Two things to look at the next time you're doing your can of soda meditation. What is it that's wrong with me?

[19:32]

And what is it that keeps me separate from the person sitting next to me? Let's have Rumi again. The next quote, if I can find it, was the very first time I had a business card. I was on the board of religious witness with homeless people, a wonderful organization, all different kinds of priests, and I was the Buddhist. And I remember... when I first started working with this no separation thing, thanks to my teacher, and I was at a meeting actually of religious witness with homeless people. And it was when I think George Bush got re-elected, would that be it? Did George Bush get re-elected?

[20:38]

He did, didn't he? Yes, thank you. Hello! It's alright, you don't have to look down or anything, it's okay. And everybody, the rabbi and everybody of all different faiths were all sitting around this table and they were saying, you know, terrible things about this person and on and on, terrible man and terrible policies and all the rest of it. And I just sat there and looked at them all and then I said, actually, I'm George Bush. We can't separate ourselves that way. I'm the American that's dropping bombs on people. I'm also the American that's trying to help stop bombs being dropped on people. Take Nat Han, if I had him with me, we could have, call me by my true names. Do people know that one? It's a very similar thing.

[21:39]

I am the woman being raped by the pirates, and I am the pirates raping the woman. we cannot split ourselves off from each other. Of course, it would be nice to think that, you know, with our high morals and ethics, we're above all that. So this was what I had on my first business card, and it was because I thought it was funny. I have a tiny little sense of humor sometimes, so. So this was what I had on my business card. I just had the first two lines. But here it is. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. So that was what was on my business card. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

[22:45]

Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense. Let's just have it again. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other. doesn't make any sense. It's easy to feel separate. It's very, very easy. Especially if it's something frightening. I mean, I noticed how many people, for example, are frightened of homeless people. people on the streets, people I was working with a lot.

[23:48]

And sometimes people would say to me, oh, I don't know how you can work with people like that. You know, they're just this, that, and the other thing. They're just, ooh, you know. And then I have to say to them, well, actually, I was homeless a couple of years after I came to America. It's very easy, really easy here to become homeless. All you have to do is get ill and have no health insurance and bingo. There you are. And that idea that if I just don't look at that person, if I just don't relate, then it won't happen to me. I've had people say to me, oh, homeless people, they choose it. They choose to be homeless. I didn't choose to be homeless. I'm sorry, but I didn't. I never sat around planning that. Oh, well... first time in my life I'll have nowhere to live and I won't know what to eat and people will look at me or not look at me usually. So I think you should have given the talk tonight because I think you hit the nail on the head there.

[24:59]

It's often fear. But again, ask yourself in your Zazen practice What is that separation? What is that fear? Why can't I just be at one with you? Ask that question. I think it's absolutely vital. Because this whole idea of you over there and me over here, that's not what our practice is about. And Suzuki Roshi often talked about finding your way in everyday life, finding your way through these difficulties. And that is a great way to go. I have actually Ehe Dogen here, part of the Shobo Genzo. And he says, when we study the teachings, their true meaning should emerge. This teaching is the entire universe.

[26:00]

Mountains, rivers, earth, grass, trees, self and others. It's the taking of meals and the wearing of clothes, the work of everyday life. So the next time that you're feeling a bit perturbed, grab a can of soda. A cup of coffee meditation is excellent in the morning. then just use all your senses to stay there because it's our thoughts that are keeping us separate. I think this. I think that I'm this and you're that. I believe that I'm this and you're something else. And all that our thoughts, our everyday thoughts do is put up a wall between us and what's right in front of us. Our concept of what's happening is usually false. If we can just be here, be with the coffee, be with your hands, the breath, then you realize that that thinking is a big cause of this separation.

[27:14]

And if you can let that go down even for a moment, and then look at someone, it's a whole different story. And the big benefit of Allowing this to go down is a natural tendency. Let that judging, let that thinking naturally go down. Don't keep shoring it up and shoring it up. Because then we can truly be with each other. And you'll notice that when you're sitting Zazen. If you can let the thoughts just, you know, don't try and stop them, of course. You know, the mind creates thoughts like the body creates sweat. That's Ushiyama Roshi said that, not me. The mind creates thoughts like the body creates sweat. But you don't have to get all involved with it. Like, you don't sit around going, oh, that's good. So you don't have to get, luckily we're not on video, you don't have to get all involved in it.

[28:21]

You know? Try, try, try. I just can't emphasize enough that those thoughts are what are keeping us apart from each other. And without paying too much attention, let them go on. Let them go, blah, blah, blah, look at that person, who's he? Let them just go on, it doesn't matter. Because in each one of us is this beautiful light. This is the vehicle we're driving. This is not us. This is like the car we're driving. And yeah, the tires go flat and the wheels fall off eventually, you know. And after a while it doesn't look so great, you know. But that doesn't affect what's inside. The one that it talks of in our teachings of the one who's never busy, you know.

[29:24]

the one who's never tired, that one. And that one exists in all of us. There's not a person on the planet that isn't driving along in one of these vehicles. But the vehicles are not important. And so when you take that backward step that turns the light inwards in Zazen, let yourself see that one. And it's okay to have flat tires and run out of gas every now and then. We all do it. And that's another uniting factor, not a separation. I should probably look at this night's watch that someone donated to me. Okay. Now, having lived here for quite some time, I know that I can see there's a few people dropping off already. I assume it's not the quality of the Dharma talk.

[30:25]

Oh, no, no, no. Well, I'd like to read another little piece of Rumi. And I would actually like to hear from all of you. Because just because I'm sitting here on this box, it doesn't mean that I know anything any better than you do. And so we'll have another little piece of Rumi. And then I'd like to hear some comments, questions, or simply, good night, Irene, and we can all go to bed. So another one of my favorites is the guest house. Do people know that one? This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival, a joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

[31:31]

Welcome and entertain them all, even if they're a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture. Still, treat each guest honorably. They may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. The guest house. I love the idea that we include the dark thought, the shame, the malice, all these things that we have. I got caught up for a while after I was ordained as a priest and I found myself really angry one day and I thought, oh, I shouldn't be like this.

[32:35]

I'm a priest. I shouldn't be angry. I've got to do right speech every minute and right thought and right everything and Oh no, this isn't right. Not me. I can't get all, you know, kerfuffled like this. That's a technical word. Kerfuffled. You know? No one's got higher expectations of you than you. So don't do it. Words of wisdom. Don't do it. Don't go there. Okay, I have one more and then I'll let everybody jump in. So this is a good one to aid your contemplation in your bag of chips, zazan. And this is a question that to me is wonderful and doesn't need an answer.

[33:36]

Because it gets kind of boring and no one really knows what we're doing here. We've all got some good ideas. Nobody really knows. I said to Angie the other day when she was giving tea, I said to her, where do these words come from? Where do they come from when they come out of our mouths just authentically? Where is it coming from if it's not written down on a piece of paper in front of you? And you really have to go and sit with Angie sometimes because she said, well, do you know? I said, yes, but I'm not telling. And she said, me too, and I'm not telling either. And I think really what she's indicating is the great mystery. Why do we have to try and figure it out? How could we figure it out when we're part of it?

[34:38]

Very hard to step aside and then decide what it is. So to me, that... That mystery is wonderful. I used to always want to know the answers, but questions are much better. I keep the door open and they don't shut anybody out. So, I feel like breaking into song, but I'll restrain myself. Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I found you. Name that movie. Frau Brücher. Now you've got a visual to go with it, right? So this poem by Rumi was always my question. Who says words with my mouth? With a weird Scottish accent. All day I think about it. Then at night I say it.

[35:40]

Where did I come from? And what am I supposed to be doing? Supposed to be doing. I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there. This drunkenness began in some other tavern. When I get back around to that place, I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile, meanwhile, I'm like a bird from another continent sitting in this aviary. The day is coming when I'll fly off. But who is it now in my ear who hears my voice? Who says words with my mouth? Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul? I cannot stop asking if I could taste one sip of an answer. I could break out of this prison for drunks.

[36:43]

I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way. Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. Ah, this poetry, I never know what I'm going to say. I don't plan it. When I'm outside the saying of it, I get very quiet and rarely speak at all. Well, we have a few moments. Any comments, questions, words of wisdom, heckles? The thing is, I don't believe we are separate. Sometimes it feels good to feel if you're worried or frightened about something.

[37:45]

The idea that you're separate from it could be really useful. But I don't see the separation. Yes, I was tempted to do that again tonight, but... Jokoji, I did that at Jokoji, and they'll be listening to this Dharma talk, and I thought, they'll think I only know one poem. You're referring to we, sleek at cur and timorous beastie, ah, what a panic's in thy briste, they needn't start away, say hasty, we bicker and brattle. Thank goodness my mother paid for speech lessons. Blanche, actually, is the one who you should ask to recite that poem. When I was her attendant years ago, she gave a wonderful Dorma talk all around. It's called Tiamus To A Mouse.

[38:47]

And it's the famous lines that everybody knows at the end, whether you speak Scottish or not. Or if you're unfortunately English. No separation. No separation. What am I supposed to do? Just the way you are. It's the ending there where he's... Basically, Robbie Burns was a ploughman in the 18th century. He got famous for collecting Scottish poems and preserving them from the English. LAUGHTER And he... This one is recounting when he cuts through a mouse's nest with his plough. And he's apologizing to the mouse and saying, I'm really sorry, you know, I've broken your nest and winter's coming on and, you know, you've got nothing to build a new one with.

[39:52]

And then at the end, the Dharma teaching part is, he says, but thou art blessed compared with me. Because forward I cast my eye, though I cannot see, I guess and fear, you know, and I look back in dread. But the line everyone knows is, the best laid plans of mice and men gang after glee. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. So for all, did you, a glee, that's the word, a glee. That's true. So in other words, you know, we plan and plan. And of course, that's the big, big burnout. That's the big suffering. You can give it your all, but do it without expectation. So the mouse stays in the present. But we're always thinking about what's going to happen and what did happen.

[40:53]

And all we have is right now. There is nothing else. Nothing else exists but right now. Oh, thank you. I was thinking I should have brought another Scottish poem, but I thought if I let my English accent go down a bit, I could just talk and you'd think it was a poem. So, yeah. Did I see another hand? I want to share the fact that my father told me that when he was a young man, he was 18, so he was homeless for a number of years, and he was really looked after by a couple of older families. and he always said to me you see if I'm supposed to know better that that's your father thank you I used to have a picture above my computer when I worked here and it was a homeless lady sitting on the sidewalk saying something like give me money I'll vote for you something like that but the reason I had it

[42:01]

was because she looked like my mother. And it was always to remind myself, you know, having been there myself too, that that's your mother sitting there, that's your brother, you know, that's your sister. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, it's you. I want to see you. Why is it harder to be kinder to yourself? Why is it harder to be kind to yourself? It's strange, isn't it? It's easier to be kinder to other people. Well, for me it always was. Easier to be kinder to other people than to myself. But that's why we need to work on ourselves. Because you cannot reach out and share compassion with other people if you can't have it for yourself first.

[43:07]

So I think it's that whole thing of, well, I know what I'm like. If they only knew what I was really like, they wouldn't like me at all. And it's so untrue. When I first came to Zen Center, I had severe post-traumatic stress disorder. And I thought that no one would care for me. I had to keep all my nasty bits hidden so no one would spot what a nasty, horrible person I was. And slowly, slowly, through some wonderful people that were here, I realized that if I shared the parts of me that didn't feel right, it was connecting. It was easier to connect with people by saying, you know, oh, I did this... awful thing than say, oh, I'm just wonderful. So I find actually the way to really connect with people is to just be honest and be yourself.

[44:11]

And that includes everything. There's no need to sweep anything under the carpet. And that way you can be kind to yourself. Because we're all like that. We're all the same. There's no Ken and Barbie doll people out there. They just don't exist. It's just folks like us. Now I'll be getting in terrible trouble if I don't stop talking. I remember Wednesday nights. Thank you all so very much and I'd like to invite you all to come and visit at Jukoji and run around with the wild turkey and the deer. and stare at the wall for a while. It would be a pleasure to see anyone. Thank you so much for asking me here to speak. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[45:16]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[45:30]

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