This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Oh, this is fun. Well, first I'd like to express my appreciation to our practice leaders, Vicki and Mark, for inviting me to give this talk tonight. And for those of you that don't know me, my name is Catherine Stark. And what I'd like to talk about a little bit tonight is the theme of the practice period that we're engaged in, the come as you are theme, and how I'm working with it. And I'm also going to tell you a story which is actually a confession and how I'm working with that in the context of this theme of come as you are.

[01:12]

So this phrase, come as you are, I remember when I was a kid in the 50s, they used to have come as you are parties. And it meant, you know, that... It was a more relaxed kind of gathering. Back then in the 50s, of course I was a kid, so I didn't really go to parties, but people who did would dress up to go to a party. So these come-as-you-are parties were sort of more casual. But people, as I remember it, people really didn't come as they were. I mean, they still kind of... got dressed up, but more casually. They didn't really come in their greasy clothes that they'd been working on the car with or their muddy gardening clothes. So they kind of cleaned themselves up and put on casual but smart attire.

[02:18]

But I was thinking about it, well, what if you really showed up as you really were, you know, in the greasy car clothes or the muddy gardening clothes or the grubby old sweats and the ratty T-shirt. Would you still be welcome at the party? So I was thinking about that and I thought, well, maybe I'd be allowed in, but I'm sure people would be looking at me like, didn't you get the code? So anyway, In the sense of practice, in come as you are, I'm looking at this expression, this invitation to come as we are, from two perspectives. So I'm looking at it in one perspective as come as you are, in the sense of the illusory self, the ego, small self, with all our ideas and projections about self and other.

[03:21]

And then I'm also considering it in the sense of come as you are, in the sense of to be or beingness, suchness or original nature. So looking at these two aspects of self, the relative and absolute considerations of self-nature, they're often described as two sides of the same coin. But for me, I think sides is kind of inadequate. I don't think there really are sides. Because small, quote, small self, is not separate from big self or Buddha nature. And it's not something to be gotten rid of. It's actually welcome at the party. Well, maybe as long as it behaves itself and has a good time along with everybody else.

[04:25]

But what if it isn't behaving itself? What if it comes to the party grumpy or sad, angry or mad? Or what if it bumps up against somebody else's self that isn't having a good time? And that's where it can get a little sticky. So now I'm going to tell you my story, my confession, and One, because I've heard that confession is good for the soul. And, you know, in the days of the first sangha, the bhikkhus would come together, the monks would come together at the time of the full moon and confess to the assembly how they might have broken the precepts. So in that spirit, I'm offering my confession to you. And two, because I think it's important to dispel projections. about oneself and others. And three, I offer it as a cautionary tale in the sense that maybe we can all learn something from it.

[05:29]

So now I've really built this up, and you're probably going to be really disappointed when you hear this story. So here's what happened. This was... I don't know, a week or 10 days ago when it was really hot, those few days we had where it was really hot, and I was coming back from Sonoma. I work as a chaplain at Hospice by the Bay, and I work in the Sonoma office. And so I was coming home, and I was getting back a little bit late, and it was really hot, and I was tired, and I was worried about getting a parking space, because the later it gets, the harder it is to get a parking space. And so I turned off of Geary onto Webster, and I was in the right lane, and I was just staying in the right lane all the way up until I got to just before Oak. And then there was a red light. And there, there's a narrowing down where there's a left turn lane, and then there's the go straight lane. So I was in the go straight lane to come up to Page.

[06:33]

And so when the light turned green, we started moving forward, but it was slow because there was lots of traffic, and some people were kind of blocking Oak. And this car pulled up next to me, and I had my window open, and I became aware that the people in the other car next to me were just yelling and screaming at me. And at first I didn't know they were yelling and screaming at me. They were just yelling and screaming and this really angry energy coming out of the car. And I was really confused by it. And I thought, what are they yelling at? Are they yelling at me? And then I realized that, yes, they actually were yelling at me. And I didn't know what I had done because I had just come up in the right lane. I didn't change lanes, so I didn't cut anybody off. So I really, really didn't know... what it was all about. And then the passenger leaned out of the car and spit on my car.

[07:38]

And I was just so shocked and stunned by this. And it really felt like I'd been spit on. And especially because I didn't know what I'd done to deserve this. And this flood of anger just came forward. And then as I started to move forward, and I was also thinking things like, geez, you know, I just spent all day with people who have terminal illnesses, and they're dying, and I'm really a compassionate person. And so this flood of anger came up, and as I went by, the next thing I knew, my hand just shot out of the window, and I made what we might call less than a friendly gesture towards them. When I told Vicki about this, she called, oh, I guess this is the flip side of one-finger Zen. So anyway, of course, then immediately I just felt really bad and really disappointed in myself.

[08:52]

I was just filled with all this remorse and regret, lots of self-judging, You know, self-talk like, Catherine, you're a priest. You've received Dharma transmission. You should, you know, fill in the blank. You shouldn't, you know, fill in the blank. You know, on and on. Wah, wah, wah. And of course, the big one is, you know, being entrusted as a teacher. It's like, God, who's going to look up to me if I'm capable of flipping people off, you know? So... Anyway, of course, all of that just didn't help and only added to the suffering in the moment. And I was really, truly ashamed of myself for not being able to just be patient and breathe. But also, this shame, as my teacher pointed out to me, this kind of shame can be a wholesome

[09:57]

emotion, which looked at in the right way can lead to accountability and responsibility and a renewal of commitment to our vow of awakening. And a really big part of this for me was in finding a way to let it go and unclenching this grip of anger towards myself and towards the people in the car. And the way that helped me to do that was really to just get in touch with that suffering in the situation and turning towards what had just happened and opening to a bigger perspective, trying to see the event in a broader context, bringing in breath, taking a mental and emotional step back, and observing from a more neutral point, which didn't happen immediately. And it took me a couple of days to kind of stabilize and unhook from all that emotional content and the story.

[11:02]

And so after I got over myself a bit, I was able to think about the people in the car. You know, what kind of day were they having? What was it that, you know, even if I had done something, and maybe I did, but I just don't know what it was, what was it that led to such huge anger? I just thought, gosh, what was their life like? What's going on in their life? And so that helped me to see that they're just like me. They were going somewhere and had plans and things that they were trying to do. And it made me think of that poem by Naomi Shaib Nye about kindness. You know, about the Indian by the side of the road who also had plans and was going somewhere.

[12:02]

This is the dead Indian by the side of the road. And, you know, our life can be so stressful and who knows what kind of stressors were working on them. So later, as I just kept working with this, I was finally able to work with Metta, you know, loving kindness, extending loving kindness both towards them and towards myself. And really, because doesn't everybody just really want to be happy? So eventually, and also this process of telling you the story is helping me to let it go and to forgive them and to forgive myself. So in this situation, as in any collision of energies, I'm sure we can understand that there are innumerable causes and conditions which lead to these kinds of events. And I think any of us at any moment, depending on our capacities in the moment or lack thereof, are capable of acting out in, if not harmful, at least perhaps less wholesome ways.

[13:16]

So how do we respond in the moment, in painful situations, do we actually have a choice? Powerful emotions such as anger can be so consuming and destructive. And one book that's been really helpful to me is this Buddhist practice on Western ground. It's Reconciling Eastern Ideals and Western Psychology. And if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. And it's by Harvey Aronson. And he has a whole big section on anger. And he identifies four forms of anger. One is the outright intent to harm. The second is a strong reactive dislike. The third is assertiveness, proclaiming difference, creating independence, and setting boundaries. And number four is protesting injustice or righteous anger.

[14:22]

So it talks about these a little further. So as far as the first one, the focus of Buddhist teachings on anger is the injunction to abstain from harmful intent and action. And in Buddha's teachings, the second one, in proclaiming difference, assertiveness, creating independence and, excuse me, strong, no, that's the first and second, strong intent to harm and strong reactive dislike. And the third, he says that traditionally there is no proscription against assertiveness, proclaiming difference, establishing autonomy, or setting boundaries. He just says it's useful for us as practitioners to monitor ourselves and see how reactive or agitated we become around others as this may reflect a form of unawareness and examine ourselves when setting boundaries to see if we are influenced by a wish to harm.

[15:31]

And then the fourth sense of anger, protesting injustice, can also be viewed in a variety of ways. He says, in 1995, when His Holiness the Dalai Lama was asked in Houston, Texas, about the appropriateness of voicing objection to unjust behavior, he said that this is not anger and it is appropriate. And he spoke of ferocious compassion. But if we're not really skilled in that kind of anger, it can be it can get away from us very easily. And he also goes on to quote Aristotle, who said, to express anger wisely and with skill to the right person at the right time, to the right degree, for the right purpose, and in the right way, is not easy. And I remember a practice period I did with Blanche,

[16:35]

And she talked about emotions and passions as being the dung on the Buddha field. But she didn't mean this in the sense of defilements. She meant it in the sense of fertilizer. So just like dung or fertilizer on a field, an agricultural field, you know, our... our emotions, all the things that are working on us, we just keep working with them consciously, just like compost, working them into the soil, turning them over and over, and eventually we end up with a beautiful soil, the ground from which wholesome responses may grow and flourish. So I think we do always have a choice. If we can just slow down the reaction time, And this is where our practice can be so helpful. The practice of compassionate awareness of mindfulness, like the four foundations of mindfulness, observing breath, body, feelings, and mental formations, and such practices, such as the Brahma Viharas, loving kindness, have helped me immeasurably over the years to become less reactive.

[17:54]

Although this story that I just told you may not indicate that, but you should have seen me 20 years ago. So I've made a lot of progress. But I also know that it is a work in progress, and it's always in flux. And that's actually the good news, that there is change, and things are impermanent. And I think that's actually a good definition of hope in Buddhism, because if... If nothing could change, then there wouldn't be any hope. So things do change, and these angry states don't last forever. And I know that when I'm at a low ebb and feeling pushed, I can revert and do revert to less skillful responses. But having become more familiar with my pattern and knowing that things will change,

[18:56]

I can come back from the edge much sooner. And this is my edge, this edge of anger, of hurt feelings, of ascribing intention to other people, old wounds of abuse and being treated wrongly. Deep wounds, though, even though they are greatly healed, they do get triggered in lesser circumstances if I'm really at a low ebb. So this is the edge that I'm always working with, which is really the edge of self-clinging, and which the Buddha way is helping me to explore, to walk on and through. And I'm sure that all of you are discovering and working with your own edges. So how do we develop our capacities to withstand and to absorb the blows, the being pushed around by the challenges of our life, And just maybe to go even farther, to offer a presence that is actually kind and helpful and healing.

[20:02]

So for me to just keep asking this question is to keep returning to the source, to our true nature. For the question actually comes from true nature. True nature is actually asking the question and it also provides the answer. Knowing and trusting in Buddha nature helps me to know that within these momentary aberrations, no matter what I may do or say in any given moment, the other side of the coin has not disappeared. True nature does not go away, even in these tenses of moments. It's just patiently waiting and holding it all. The Buddha way, our practice, helps me to remember and to come back from the edge. And when I do go over the edge, Buddha nature reaches out its hand and pulls me back. Our true self never abandons us. In our spiritual care department, our manager, who is an Episcopalian priest, he spoke about this the other day, and he's been having some difficult situations.

[21:17]

And he talks about how it's always his spiritual core that sustains him, that he goes to for refuge, and that no matter how big the problem in the moment may seem, that his inner spiritual core is much bigger than any problem in the moment. And he talks about how he always rests in that. So that was very inspiring to me to hear that. So coming back to this practice period theme of come as you are, I'm receiving this invitation from Vicki and Mark to mean that I can bring my whole self. So one part of me may show up in my schlubby sweats and with all my smallness and complaints and stories of woe, and sometimes I'll show up in my pretty party frock with all my aspirations, my good intentions, my ideals of awakening, and probably everyone in between.

[22:26]

Because it really can't be otherwise. If I bring one, I have to bring the whole gang. They're not separate. In the room that I'm staying in, there is one of Michael Wenger's inklings, and it depicts a figure seated in meditation posture, and the cushion it is sitting on is made up of the kanji character, sheen, heart, mind. And the caption reads, Zazen mind equals no one is left out. Really, no one is left out. So really, just come as you are. And let's have a party. So maybe we have time for any comments or questions. Something like shame is triggered and anger becomes.

[23:42]

It's a secondary emotion. Anger doesn't exist without some other emotion. Yeah. Yeah, and often I think underneath, kind of at the bottom of most anger is fear. That we have some kind of, it's a protective mechanism. Yeah. you know, that somehow we're threatened. And then, you know, first the fear and then the anger comes up. That's kind of been my experience. And I really feel like, for me, it really is a protective mechanism. Yeah. Thank you. Lydia. Not that one.

[24:53]

Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. Lydia's asking what response, in reflecting on my story, what response would I have preferred to have given rather than the one that I did? And, well, you know, I used to have a little post-it note in my car that said, stop, stop. And it's an acronym for stop, take a breath, take a step back, observe, open, and then proceed. But somewhere along the way that post-it note fell off. So I'm thinking that I need to put another one, but maybe this one right in the center of my steering wheel. So... I would have liked to have slowed down my reaction process and given more space to it and not reacted at all, actually.

[26:00]

Because I don't think it would have been helpful to try and engage with them, but rather just hold it and stay in that place of not knowing of, you know, didn't thank you yes she talked about the different personas that we all carry around do you think it's worthwhile trying to cultivate some of those or is that a distraction that's a good question um i'm not sure about cultivating i think it's really worthwhile exploring them and the more we know about um and how we respond in certain situations is helpful. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship we have with these different aspects of ourselves. Is it something that we're really attached to or aversion?

[27:07]

I think it's important to kind of look at them in those kinds of aspects of how are we actually responding to them rather than so much what they are. Does that make sense? I mean, that's just kind of what comes up for me. But, yeah, I think that's, yeah, thank you. Does that help? Okay, thanks. Yes, hi. a lot of regrets. How does one come as they are while respecting and keeping common with the situation anymore? One that come as they are is not so safe.

[28:10]

It's hard. Yeah, it's a hard thing. She's asking, thank you for reminding me, Eno. She's asking how do we come as we are, how do we bring ourself as we are with, say it again? When that self at the time is not so savory. When that self at the time is not so savory, yeah. Well, I would just say that the more that we know about ourselves, the more that we, as Dogen said, study the self, the better chance we have to, even if we're in a less than savory mind state, the more that we understand our...

[29:17]

how things get triggered, how we come to that place, and consciously work with them. Even if we're in a place like that, we have a better chance of... It's not saying, you know, like, just shut that out or don't... I'm not saying that, and I don't think our practice is saying that. We need to deny that or push it away. But working consciously... with it, and getting to know it and understand it, I think, can help us even when we're pushed. But, you know, sometimes... That's my cautionary tale tells. Yeah. Thank you. Tova. I greatly appreciate your telling that story of the things that we later regret. It reminds me of the story of the Bodhisattva Never Disparaging Sutra.

[30:25]

So people were pressing at him and throwing stones. He would say, I love you. Well, he was impressed. And I think when you reflect on your story and think about stuff, you know, And there have been times when, you know, I have responded differently. Yes. Tova said that the story reminded her of the story of the bodhisattva, never disparage, and that where he responds to abuse or people cursing at him with, I love you. And that using resources such as Stop or for Tova, she said, maybe I'll think about your story.

[31:32]

And that will be helpful to respond differently in similar situations. Thank you, Tova. Oh, and I was saying that there have been times when I have been more skillful and responded in a more helpful or wholesome way, at least for myself. But I really wanted to share this because, like I said, I think it's good to... It's like cleansing a wound and also... that we just have these ideas about ourselves and we can really beat ourselves up about stuff. And so I'm just hoping that this may be helpful to you when you find yourself reacting in ways that are, if not harmful, at least not helpful, that you will be kind with yourself.

[32:44]

and love yourself, even though sometimes we're not so lovable. Lench? Do you think that it helps when you see, I mean, I can think of times when I do or say something, and I immediately feel... I thought I was a kind person, but that wasn't kind. Just to acknowledge it and recognize it's not who I want to be. And instead of beating myself up about it, saying, oh, I'm glad you noticed. Now you can stop doing that. Yeah. So... So Blanche is saying, do you think it's helpful in a situation where we respond with anger or some other afflictive kind of response to feel that remorse and regret in the moment when that comes up?

[34:07]

And because it tells us that It's not who we want to be. It reminds us of our aspiration. Am I getting it right? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I do think it's helpful, and I think it's like Vicki, we were talking about it, and this sense of shame is kind of a loaded word. We have a lot of negative around it, but when she said that to me, that it could be wholesome, I thought, oh, yeah, that is helpful to think about that feeling of

[35:15]

shame or embarrassment or regret or remorse can actually be helpful to remind us that that is not who we actually are and to renew our vow in the moment. I think if I remember the Abhidharma, the sense of shame is in every pulse of mind. And I remember saying shame is like a person like me won't do a thing like that. So the person that I want to be, he wouldn't do a thing like that. Yeah. So that I was surprised to see that the sense of shame and fear of blame are in every wholesome mind where you can be. Nikki, is that right?

[36:16]

Yes. It's two-sided. It's a standard for yourself that you hold, and it's a standard for yourself that others help you with. So, I'm not sure I can encapsulate all that back to you, but basically, Blanche and Vicki are saying that Well, in the Abhidharma, shame is in every wholesome mind, and Vicki's saying that it holds up a standard both from ourself and from others. Thank you. Anybody else? Just about at the time. I'd like to end with a poem by Rumi. Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror up to where you're bravely working.

[37:26]

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings. May all beings be happy. May they live in safety and peace, free from suffering. May all beings awaken to their true nature. Thank you.

[38:39]

giving. May we fully enjoy the doymo.

[38:42]

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