Thank you. second full day of Rohatsu Sesshin.

[04:32]

Our speaker for the day is the Shuso, the head student, Penzan Tokuryu, Roger Hilliard. We'll begin with the Sutra opening verse, which you can find in the chat. Unsurpassed, penetrating and perfect Dharma is rarely met with Even in a hundred thousand million kalpas, having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept, I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Hello, everyone. Pleasure to be with you. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in San Francisco, and I hope you're having beautiful, sunny days wherever you may be.

[05:38]

As Kodo mentioned, this is the second full day of the Sashin, and it's a pleasure to be a part of this, to be this chuseau for this Sashin. I thank you, David and Tonto, Nancy, and also my teacher, Shosan Victoria Austin. I don't want to be the prophet of doom, but you may be starting to experience a few little aches and pains here and there, you know, little resistance here and there. The mind may be drifting off here or there. All of those things do come up. They're definitely a part of the sashimi. So today I want to talk a little about resistance. And rapids, you know, as we flow down that karmic river and those thoughts come along and we look at them, we acknowledge them and we let them go.

[06:42]

And that's a beautiful experience and one that I've been privileged to experience. But also, every so often for me, I hit a rapid. And all of a sudden, everything explodes and goes a different way. And it's not the way I like it. It's not what I want it to be. And I'm overwhelmed by this whitewater, you know. I mean, if you've ever been whitewater rafting, you know, when you hit the rapids, that's the time when everybody in that raft needs to come together. That's the time when everybody needs to paddle left or paddle right or go ahead. And if you're in a class four rapid, Those are pretty predictable, but still, they can be frightening. Still, they can get you off your course. Still, they can dump you in the water. But inevitably, you do come through those, and then you enter a nice, calm phase of the water. Robert Akin, Roshi, in his book, The Mind of Clover, wrote, As we begin...

[07:51]

To settle into the seshin, it's time to think and be present for ourselves. And I quote him, the day after we begin to practice, we must set about applying our understanding in the world. Finally, on the second day of practice, that happens to be today, we need to put our heads and hearts together in synergistic energy to apply the Dharma as a sangha. We need to apply our collective karma. We need to work together so that those rapids just don't dump us in the river, so that we can flow along and let our thoughts come and let our thoughts go. Sashin literally means the gathering of the heart-mind, a time to get very settled. It's a time for our collective karma to come forward, a time to be the best that you can for yourself and for others. It's our garden of karma that we've been working with, that we've been working on throughout this practice period.

[08:59]

So you may, as I said, start beginning to feel a little lost up here in your mind or a little painful in your body. I know I do. And frankly, there's more to come. But don't reject the pain and don't reject the distractions. You may get tired. You may even get exhausted. And Brother David, who many of you probably know of in a conversation with David White, the poet, said, the antidote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest. The antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness. So think about that. Come into this and participate in this session. with your whole heart, with wholeheartedness for you and for all of those around you, all of the entire sangha. But resistance does come up, as I said.

[10:07]

Those rapids do appear on that river. And, you know, even though our thoughts are flowing along, all of a sudden, mine gets stuck. Damn, I've hit the rapids. You know, that can be a thrill also. And that can be an addiction also, as a matter of fact. That was once pointed out to me by my teacher. I was having a period of anxiety. And she said, you are addicted to anxiety. And I didn't understand her when she first told me that. But then a few days later, I was thinking about it. She's right. I like anxiety. There's an addictive quality to it. That adrenaline and that cortisol is addictive. And I've practiced that throughout my life in many different ways and many different matters. And it served me in a lot of ways.

[11:10]

But a lot of those things, survival techniques, if you will, that I adopted as a young boy, and carry through my life, did indeed help me out. They were survival techniques. But they're no longer necessary. And they're no longer needed. But I still have an addiction to those. That brings up my resistance. That's what happens when I get stuck in the rapids of my mind. It's a thrill, literally. Like the rapids can be a thrill when you're whitewater rafting. But if we work together, We can develop a willingness in the ability to embrace what is. And Sashin is the best example of that. It's really an incredible opportunity to work together and to develop willingness and embrace what is. There's a colon about the 100-foot pole.

[12:17]

And the master asked, how will you step forward from the top of a 100-foot pole? Another master answered, they must step forward, that's you and I, from the top of the pole and manifest their whole body throughout the 10 directions. There's no real top to the pole. It continues forever and ever. Things are continually changing and growing. So we really can't stop and rest. If you're in the midst of the rapids, you can't stop and rest there. You need to continue and go on. If you do stop and rest there, that can be a really dark, dangerous place. So the idea is to create the willingness and the ability to embrace what is. to deal with whatever resistance comes up.

[13:21]

Resistance can be a way of life. It has been for me in a lot of ways. Why I resist things as much as I do, I don't know. I've had a wonderful opportunity, as you saw, for these past several months to look at my resistance. And what I found is my resistance has really weighed in these past few months. And I think it's in part because I've been so engaged and so involved in being Shouseau that it's required my full attention and my full being. And I don't have as much time to be and to resist things. Not that I don't, and I still can to some degree, but not to the extent that I often do, that I often have in the past. So we can't stop and rest. There is no top to the pole.

[14:23]

Suzuki Roshi said, so the secret is just to say yes and jump off from here. It means to be yourself. Without sticking to the old self. Now, separating from the old self is not a simple task. Separating from the old self is frightening. It's confronting. It's challenging. And it requires a great degree of courage. But if you can't forget about yourself, you'll find you are refreshed. You find that the antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness. It's that refreshed. You're a new self. So as you go through sesheen, undoubtedly you're going to hit days. You're going to hit times during the days where you just feel, oh, I can't go on.

[15:26]

I don't want to go on. I'm not going to go on. I'm going to go hide. I'm going to do this or that to avoid it. I'm going to get on my computer. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to go out and get a coffee or something. Acknowledge those wishes, acknowledge those thoughts, acknowledge those ideas, but you do not need to manifest them. Realize them for what they are. You are a new self in the making. You are recreating yourself in a new image as a new being. You are a new self. Before you become that self becomes an old self, say yes again. So as you're becoming a new self, don't stop there. Before that becomes an old self, say yes again.

[16:29]

That's the quote from Suzuki Roshi. Forget this moment and grow into the next. The secret. The secret is to say yes again. And jump from here. So that's pretty amazing. Keep jumping. Jump off that pole. Keep growing. Keep manifesting your new self. And you have this beautiful opportunity right now, right here, to do that. So Sashin continually changes. We continually change within the Sashin. But how do we... How do we begin this practice of saying yes? It's easy to say, OK, it's good if I say yes, I'll jump off the damn pole. OK, I'll do it. But then, like so many times in my past life, I've not done it.

[17:29]

And so many times, not quite as frequent, I still don't do it. So we need to practice saying yes. At first, when I started this practice, it became really mechanical. Okay, it's like somebody's twisting my arm behind my back. I'll say yes. And I did it grudgingly. Oh, I don't want to say yes, but okay, I'll say yes. And then I did it insincere. I said it, but I don't really mean it. but I'm going to do it anyway, I think. I'll just try it. So as I practiced with that, each time it became more heartfelt. Each time I became more wholehearted. Each time I became less exhausted because that action of saying no, that action of resisting is really, really exhausting.

[18:40]

So as I become more heartfelt and my heart opens, it becomes easier to do. So after some time, the no, no, I'm not going to say yes, began to be replaced by a yes that was less mechanical. It became more real. And yes became a practice of acceptance. And acceptance, by the way, Doesn't mean I love everything I say yes to. It doesn't mean I like everything I say yes to. It doesn't mean I absolutely agree to everything I say yes to, but I'm willing to accept it for what it is. I'm willing to say yes to it. I don't have to take it home with me. I don't have to embrace it. I don't have to give it tea. I don't have to, you know, Be real nice to it.

[19:42]

But I need to accept it. So the yes became a practice of acceptance in which we willingly allow thoughts and feelings to naturally arise and pass away. For them to go down that river slowly, going along, letting them pass away, naturally arise and pass away. And not get stuck in those rapids. Not get stuck in the resistance. Saying yes melts that resistance. But it takes practice. Our habit of rejecting pain is so ingrained. I mean, we reject every little pain that occurs. And it's really ingrained in it. And we're addicted to that. Once again. We're addicted to pain because that gives us reason not to be.

[20:45]

That gives us reason not to do. That gives us reason not to embrace others. We're addicted to appearing in control. And through that pain, we look like, we act like we're in control of something. The practice of saying yes can seem very unreal. And it can also... be pretentious or seem pretentious or forced. But it helps to dissolve that feeling that something is wrong and relaxes our deepest doubts and fears. Isn't that a wonderful promise? Saying yes helps to dissolve the feeling that something is wrong and relaxes. It doesn't say it removes them or eliminates them, but relaxes. our deepest doubts and fears. It's really hard to overestimate this power of yes.

[21:48]

It's really a medicine that uplifts and frees our spirit. Saying yes requires courage, a lot of courage to jump off that pole into the next thing, onto the new adventure, into the new life, into the new rebirth. Because with karma, we can continually be reborn. And my belief of it is we are reborn, literally. We have a rebirth in this life. I've experienced many rebirths through this current life. And by the power of yes, we have the opportunity to do that, to be that. Dissolving the feeling that something's wrong. It relaxes our deepest doubts and fears. The more you say yes, the easier it becomes. It's like building a muscle. And then those old doubts and those old fears don't arise so prominently.

[22:53]

So let's go on. And what is it that gets between us and our practice? What are the rapids that come up? So how do we create more open-heartedness or what is it that impinges our open-heartedness? So I'm an expert on doing these things. They're called the five hindrances. I've practiced them many, many times and continue to do so. We need to open our hearts. Literally. And then we can look at these hindrances, these five hindrances, and deal with them. They're identified as obstacles to meditation. So in other words, they're obstacles to flowing down that river, to not getting caught in the rapids. And when the rapids do occur, working with others, working within the Sangha, paddling on both sides of the boat as need be,

[24:04]

and getting through those rapids to the calmness once again of the river. So that ability to say yes, so that we can continue. So what are the five hindrances? What are these obstacles to meditation? Well, the first is sensory desire. And that's seeking for pleasure through the five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste, and physical feeling. We are grasping for something somewhere else other than where we are. We want something else. Even when we get what we want, we then want something more or different. The habit of wanting is very strong. For many years prior to actually practicing here at at San Francisco Zen Center and Tazahara and Green Gulch.

[25:09]

I never thought that I could meditate because whenever I've meditated, and this goes way back into the mid-60s, whenever I meditated, I didn't get what I wanted. Whenever I meditated, whatever I got wasn't enough or it wasn't the right thing. Whatever happened, if anything happened at all, it wasn't what I actually wanted it to be or thought that it should be. And so that hindrance of sensory desire, it was all about sensory desire, it was all about gaining mind, inhibited my practice of meditation for 40 years, literally. And then one day, I went to a meditation retreat for a week and all of a sudden it was pointed out to me and I got it. Aha, I can meditate.

[26:12]

It's about being right here, right now, being present with what is. It's not about getting this or getting that or having this or having that. It's not what I necessarily want. Now, when I sit in Sashin, These days, yesterday and now today and the days to come, I'm not going to get what I want. I don't know what I want, actually, and I'm trying not to want. But what comes up is what's appropriate. What comes up is what is. What comes up is what the new me has. And then I jump off the pole again. So it's to quote Dogen. In one of his fascicles in the Genjo Koan, it says, with attachment, blossoms fall. So it was with attachment that I attempted to practice meditation with a sensory desire to get something, be something.

[27:18]

And finally, I learned that it's about being present here. So the first hindrance is sensory desire. Be aware of it. Watch it. Feel for it. Know it. Let it go. The second one, the second of the five hindrances, is ill will. This is feelings of hostility, resentment, even hatred and bitterness. When all else fails, I resort to aversion. And Dogen's in the same fascicle said, with aversion, weeds grow. I'm finding faults in others, judgment. boredom and fear, with a mind full of dislike, full of wanting to separate and withdraw from our experience. I find it, again, one of those survival techniques that I alluded to earlier, that I mentioned earlier, you know, if I can blame you, that takes it off me.

[28:26]

If Oh my gosh, look at the way that person is sitting over there. Why in the world are they sitting like that? That takes the heat off me. That takes me out of my presence. That takes me out of being right here, right now, with what is. Because that's not always a comfortable place to be. So... I can blame you and say, well, if it hadn't have been for that or hadn't have been for you, that wouldn't be so. What a common practice that is. Very common for me. It happens to be, it violates, by the way, the seventh precept about praising self and disparaging others. There's a thing I've heard said before. If you spot it, meaning if I see you doing some action that's not appropriate, that means you've got it.

[29:28]

Meaning if I see you doing it, I've probably got it. Or the other thing is, if you're pointing at somebody saying, you did this or you did that, there's three fingers pointing back at you. So oftentimes, the strongest sense of ill will and the strongest sense of aversion and the strongest sense of disparagement has to do with things that are actually within me, and I'm seeing them out there in you, or I think I'm seeing them, projecting them on you. I should indeed thank you for pointing those things out to me. So the second hindrance is ill will. The third is sloth and torpor, half-hearted action without effort or concentration, being lazy, dull or sleepy. The mind becomes cloudy and is an obstacle to practice. Oh, I'm falling asleep in Zazen.

[30:33]

Oh, this doesn't feel good. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm not going to sit this next period. Or maybe I'll just disappear for a little while. So, Be with it. Be present. Adjust your posture maybe a little bit. Wake up. Be present. And indeed, we can feel tired. We can feel a little bit off. And honor yourself at the same time. If you do need to take a period off, it's not necessarily sloth. If you need to do that, do that. But do it consciously. Don't sneak off into the corner and think nobody will notice you're gone. Don't try to hide it. Be real about it.

[31:36]

The fourth hindrance is restlessness and worry. An uncommon mind. A mind that is not flowing down the river with thoughts coming and thoughts going with not attaching to them. It's that mind that gets totally excited and caught up in the rapids. And it loses its lack of focus. Now, mind you, if you were whitewater rafting and you're in the rapids and you lost your lack of focus, that can be very dangerous. That can end you up in the rocks, under the water, banged up. Or simply dragged along. So lack of focus can be very, very dangerous. It's the opposite of torpor. So be careful. Agitation and anxiety. And as I mentioned, that's another addiction.

[32:42]

You know, the cortisol and the adrenaline can be very addicting. The mind can get caught in reminiscences. And regrets. So you sit there and zazen and you think, oh, why did I do that 15 years ago? Why did I so mistreat one of my children? I wasn't present for them. I didn't help them out when they were asking for help. I was too damn busy, I thought at the time. I had to do this or that, and I neglected my child. That can be very worrisome. And I can spend a lot of time on that while in meditation, that particular event.

[33:43]

Now, I can also spend a lot of time and worry about... what's the medicine bowl going to taste like tonight? What are they going to find to put in the medicine bowl and cook that up? Am I going to like that? And I can go on and on and then I can start thinking, oh yeah, well, we had some lentils the other day and then we also had some basmati rice and There were some leftover collards. I'll bet you they're going to put all that in the medicine bowl. And I can spend time concocting the whole recipe and thinking about it and then saying, well, I'm not going to like that. Or maybe I can even say, well, I am going to like that. But I'm going to worry about it. Restlessness and worry. And the mind can get caught up in that. And our stories can spin on and on.

[34:45]

and on for hours, multiple periods of zazen. So I suggest if that comes up for you, if you're real restless and you're stuck in worry, use your breath to come back to the present. Think of a peaceful place. Count your breaths. And no matter, say, count your breaths till 10. And if you get to 10, or on your way to 10 and you're lost, around six or seven or whatever, oh, wait, I forgot where I was. That doesn't matter. Don't worry about that. Don't get restless about that. Go back to the beginning and start over. Or if you end up around 15 or 17 or 23, oh, no, I went past 10. Oh, my God, I'm not any good. I'm bad. Oh, I'm worried about this.

[35:46]

I've never been able to stay focused. Don't do that, please. I'm at 23. Oh, I went past 10. Go back to the beginning. Start at one. Breathe in, breathe out. One breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Two breaths, etc. And that will help you stem your restlessness. That will help you stem your worry. So the last hindrance of the five is doubt. Now, boy, that can be tough. It's a lack of conviction. It's a lack of trust. It's a lack of faith in oneself. We can paralyze ourselves. I can't do that. I'm not going to do it. I'm not even going to try to go up that 100-foot pole, let alone jump off it onto another one.

[36:48]

That's ridiculous. Does this really work? Oh, my gosh. I don't know about this Zazen thing. What about my teacher? I'm not sure that they're giving me what I need. I'm not sure that they really understand me. that I'm upset and I don't feel good, they often say, oh, perhaps you needed some period of zazen. They don't understand. What about me? This isn't for me, this whole zen thing. I don't know who it's for, but at any rate, I'm not ready for it yet. I need to practice meditation before I come here to meditate. Now, that's why I remember once I thought I should go to a gym and start working out. But I thought, well, I better work out before I go to the gym to work out so that I can work out at the gym so that I look right.

[37:54]

This is saying the same thing. Oh, meditation is not for me. I'm not ready for it. I don't know how to do it. You know how you learn how to do meditation? Very simple. You meditate. Don't get stuck in the doubt. You don't have to get in shape first. Pay careful attention to wholesome mental qualities. So, okay, we've got these five hindrances that get in our way of being present, get in our way of saying yes, foster our resistance, feed it, nourish it. It's the opposite of what we want to do with our karma, with our garden of karma. We want to tend to it. We want to till the soil. We want to feed the soil. We want to prune and fertilize and develop those good seeds of karma so that our reapers can be plentiful and joyous.

[39:00]

So the five hindrances, be wary of them, but let them be, let you know them. And when they come up, Recognize them for what they are. So sensory desire, ill will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry and doubt. They can be extremely dangerous or they can be teachers for us. So, excuse me, become an observer of yourself. Be aware of your breath. Accept your hindrances. and acknowledge yourself for being there. When we practice Zazen, our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. When we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world.

[40:02]

The inner world is limitless. The outer world is limitless. There is just one whole world. When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing. No eye, no world, no mind, no body. It's a quote from Suzuki Roshi. And here's another quote from him. Don't move. Just die over and over. In other words, enjoy your rebirths over and over. Don't anticipate. Nothing can save you now because you have only this moment. Not even enlightenment will help you now because there are no other moments. With no future, be true to yourself and express yourself and express yourself fully. Don't move. Or in the words of Norman Fisher and his Lojong slogans,

[41:09]

Do good. Avoid evil. Appreciate your lunacy and pray for help. So support yourself and your Sangha mates. Enjoy and cultivate your garden well. Just say yes. Reach out to others. Bow. Offer merit. Adjust your posture and be well. Thank you very much. May our intention equally extend to every being and place with the true merit of Buddha's way. Beings are numberless, I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.

[42:13]

Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to be coming. Thank you. Thank you, Roger. Thank you to the assembly. A couple of announcements. First, I understand we have an announcement from Heather, director of the Online Practice Center. Hello. Just want to remind... the online participants in Rohatsu that we will have 15 minutes of open Kinhin as we transition to the private Zendo room. So I will see you there shortly. Thank you. And similarly for those practicing Sashin and City Center, 15 minutes of open Kinhin, the next period of Zazen will begin at 10.59. You're welcome to enter the Zendo at any point between now and then.

[43:15]

Thank you.

[43:16]

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