Buenas noches. Good evening. Good noches. Well, just as the chant, we were beginning the chant, the thought that arose was, I have no clue about what I want to talk about tonight. At dinner I received a teaching, talk about what's right in front of you. If I follow that literally, they're not going to be talking about all of you, because you're what's right in front of me. See, what happened was that, Something happened to me on the way to this Dharma talk.

[01:09]

And I don't know how many of you remember, there was an old song. I don't know if it was Simon and Garfunkel. Caught between two lovers or something like that. Maybe not. No. No. Maybe torn between two lovers. 50 ways to leave your lover. I've done that already. But maybe torn between two lovers. But maybe I felt more like I was caught between two Dharma talks. Because earlier in the week, I started thinking about this talk this evening. And I was still carrying an inspiration from the Shusos talk from last Wednesday. where she talked about the gift, at least as I heard it, appreciating this gift. So I thought I would pick up that thread and talk a little bit about that within that gift there's magic, that there's a lot of magic within that gift.

[02:30]

So I felt excited about that. I thought that would be a pretty good talk, talk about magic. I often don't think about the magic of being in this life. Then I read, I thought maybe I should read Bendawa again before I give my talk tomorrow night. So I did that last night at 10.30 at night. I don't recommend it for anybody. And something else arose, which is to talk about nobility, triggered by a quote from Uchidama Roshi. So this afternoon, as I was beginning to put all this together, magic was still pulling at me.

[03:34]

And that also came, that inspiration, in addition to the Shuso's talk, came from another quote from Uchiyama Roshi. So as I was putting on the okesa, I thought, I'll just say I was going to talk about magic, and I'm not going to talk about it now. I'm going to talk about nobility, and go into nobility. And that's not what's happening right at this moment. What is happening right at this moment is that something happened to me this practice period that many of you know about, which is that I lost an aunt.

[05:00]

My tia Lola died on the 1st of February. And it took me completely by surprise Not her death, which was something that we were all very conscious in the family we were moving towards because of the illnesses she was confronting. For the past year, most of 2006, but what took me by surprise was the depth of the grief that I've experienced and I've been experiencing and I still experience. So I became aware that the notion of feeling sadness when there's a loss is a natural phenomenon.

[06:06]

And yet, prior to about a month ago, I can say that in my life that was sort of an intellectual concept. That loss... So it was quite an amazing experience when this shift happened from intellectual concept to an experiential phenomenon. This notion of experiencing loss and what we call grief. And many times when it happened, I actually experienced laughter just arose. So I'd be taking a shower, thinking about the next thing I needed to do.

[07:12]

And the next thing that happened was I would break down into sobs. And it's like, wait a minute, you know, I was just soaping myself. Where did these tears come from? And then, ah, that's what's happening. So the unpredictable, unpredictability of, the unpredictability that is possible. No, what I want to say is the unpredictability that happens when the conceptual mind gets out of the way. What flows, what flows is what is, is what's right there. Another time, I've been working in the kitchen during this practice period, and I don't recall if I was cutting mushrooms, which I love to cut mushrooms.

[08:22]

And I see my greedy mind when I see the assignment of cutting mushrooms go to someone else in the kitchen. And I wish it was me. I was cutting mushrooms or carrots or onions. And all of a sudden, the image of my aunt arose very strongly. And then that sort of sense like, ah, she's no longer here. Image arises. Thought brings her in memory. Ah, she's no longer here. And immediately the body just went to that place of grief. No mind, just what is in the moment. And as I talk about her... I wouldn't want to lead you to believe that we had, like, this wonderful relationship.

[09:25]

Actually, our relationship was quite tumultuous, conflictual, you know, especially since I was involved in this thing, you know, that we don't say the word G-O-D. That was a little bit uneasy for her. although she came to my ordination and she was pretty cool with it. And my sister and I were completely taken by how accepting she was of this whole process that I was involved in. And then we came to a meal at the dining room and we were speaking Spanish with some people. And she said, what is it that you're going to be doing tomorrow? And I said, ordenación, ordenación. And she said, ordenación? I thought you meant graduación, right?

[10:29]

She thought I've been talking about graduation, right? Rather than ordination. So a couple of days ago, the insight arose that it was conflictual, tumultuous, and raw and authentic. It had all that juiciness that happens in intimate relationships. And a couple of days later, one of the most powerful insights that arose was how often I got caught in my critical mind around her, which led to some of the difficulties. Critical, judgmental, If she could just be different, things would be much easier for me. But what really shook me to my very core was the notion that, oh, everything that I am, I got it from her.

[11:42]

The values, the worldviews, the discipline. to treat other people. My grandmother, who was her mother, was very influential in my life, yet it wasn't until recently that I made that discovery that it was this aunt who, when I was a child, I drank the teachings and the transmission that she was passing down. Two other things I'll share about my aunt with you this evening. One is that when I was getting ready to receive Chukai, I wanted to let her know that I was taking this step, which was a public step, about embracing Buddhism and receiving the precepts and so forth.

[12:58]

So I called her and I said to her... This is what I've been doing. She had been hearing me saying that I started meditating and so forth. And she said, well, what is it that that group believes? And I said, well, I don't think there's much we believe in. Well, what is it that you study? I said, well, there's a lot to read, but I've been encouraged to not really study too much. Um, so what do you do? You know, I said, well, I, I sit down and, uh, and I explain the posture and I face a wall. Silence at the other end. Well, do you have like a God or somebody? Uh, well, no, you know, but there's this man, you know, I said, there's this man and, uh, his name was Shakyamuni and, uh,

[13:59]

He went through this, and, you know, he became enlightened, and then he gave some teachings. And I felt across the phone, the long distance, that we were beginning to get on a similar page. You know, teachings, Buddha, God, teachings, you know, that kind of thing. And then she said, well, what is it that he taught? I said, well, there's four basic, his first teachings were, he talks about four teachings, And they're called the Noble Truth. First Noble Truth. The Four Noble Truths. And the first one, it says, there is suffering. And she right away cut in and said, I must have been a Buddhist all my life because I've always known that. And from that time on, there was this shift where I can talk about my practice and she would talk about her God.

[15:14]

And we met there. We met there. And the second thing I want to share with you, the last thing I want to share, with you about my Tia Lola is that she wanted to be, she was interned in a mausoleum because she wanted a good view of the George Washington Bridge. So she actually is at a cemetery, which is the only cemetery on the island of Manhattan, and the oldest Trinity Cemetery connected to Trinity Church that was down there by the world. by the Twin Towers. So the mass, the funeral, everything happened on the 10th of February, so Friday. So I stayed over to Sunday and all day Saturday I packed the apartment, which my sister then went a couple of weeks ago to finish closing it out.

[16:21]

And I came across a lot of her things. Now, I've been on a project to downsize my life, giving away a lot of things. And I ended up bringing back like 60 items of hers, you know. But one of those items that I found was her Bible. Let me just say that she also had an amazing social life and served in her church for 45 years. So she had her Bible, so I found her Bible, and I thought, oh my God. you know, what do you do with someone's precious Bible, you know, and marked, you know, in all these places. And as I opened that Bible, and I didn't bring it here, but when I held it in my hand and went like this, that's where I found the only two pictures that I've ever sent her with me in my robes.

[17:23]

One was the ordination picture that had, Dana and Mark and Chuck and Blanche and Paul and Michael. That was from the Ordination Day, and that was in her Bible. And the other one was one that Ren took of me at Tassajara. So those two pictures were in her Bible. And I was in her room, and... I see this and I was, I was struck, you know, it's like, wow. I didn't know what to make of it. So when I shared this with a friend who came by on Sunday, who is also a Zen priest, I said, I discovered this. These two pictures.

[18:27]

Because I never saw the pictures in her apartment. And there are lots of photographs of everybody. It never occurred to me to ask her, where are those pictures? So she said, well, what do you make of it? She said, she must have really held, you know, your practice or what you do within her understanding and in high regard to have those photos in your, in her Bible. And I said, yes. Yes. Yet on the other hand, you know, not always so. I have a hunch that they can also be there because she figured by me being in her Bible, there was still some hope. And just now, as I was telling you this last story, what arose was that there was something else I wanted to share. that I didn't know I was gonna share it.

[19:29]

And I didn't bring it with me, but I'll tell you the story, I wanted to show it to you. So that Saturday, I'm packing her things, and I'm in the kitchen, and she has a pantry where her food was, and I'm just cleaning things out. And there's this plastic box with a light bulb in it, and two pieces of paper, So I take the light bulb out and set it aside to figure out what to do with it later. Open one piece of paper and just had some numbers scribble. And so I I shredded it. She had a shredder because some time ago she really felt concerned about this whole notion of people stealing your identity. She's very serious about that. And my sister and I would tease her because sometimes you'd be there. And she'd be going through her things, shredding, shredding. So we nicknamed her Enron. And when we would hear this, we'd say, Enron's at it again.

[20:34]

But it was so influential on me that when I wanted to get rid of about this stack this high of important papers, I started doing it by hand in my apartment. And after 30 minutes, it was going to be endless. I actually took that stack of papers to New York. And to shred it in her shredder. I did some, and when I left one day, she came back, and when I came back, she had done it. But when I picked up the other piece of paper, it was folded very small. And I just opened it because it seemed, I don't know why I opened it. And it was a note to me. If the Bible didn't put me over, this one did. I don't think she wrote it recently because the handwriting was quite strong and then her handwriting had become very feeble toward the end. And it seemed like it was a message around my birthday.

[21:39]

It's sort of like a little three by five notepad paper. And it's in Spanish, of course, and it starts Querida Hilda. And I regret I didn't have the foresight to bring it with me. But she's talking about that she hopes that the star that illuminated the three kings as they search for the baby Jesus will always illuminate my life. And that's connected that my birthday is the eve of Epiphany. It's the night before the three kings day. And then she wrote, after that she wrote, and remember, and that they may grant you the wish, or the aspiration, that in your heart you fully experience love for all beings.

[22:49]

For that is the supreme joy. That was in her pantry in a throwaway plastic box with a light bulb. Does it work? I don't know. I didn't try. So I called my sister right away and she was having lunch with her son and her daughter-in-law and she said, I'll talk to you later. I didn't read it to her then, but I read it to her later and she just... couldn't believe it so it's a beautiful note to begin with what to me was more amazing is that I would be the one to find it that the probabilities of me finding that node one can say was non-existent but obviously there was magic

[23:53]

So it's amazing how transitions happen. So one of the things that I realized when I get up in the morning, I'm staying in that first floor room, and I open the door to go to the Zen, though, the hallway is completely dark. And there's very dim light right here. And the first time I noticed that... I opened the door, stepped into the hallway, and as I headed toward the lobby, there was Bodhidharma in all his glory. If you haven't experienced that, I give you permission to stand outside the room I'm staying. And just, or maybe you can come in the room, we can walk out together, right? But you know, it's this long hallway, pitch black, with dim light, and there's Bodhidharma. It stopped me.

[25:10]

I breathed, kept going, turn left, turn left again, and there's Suzuki Roshi. I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but you know, things like that, you know, it sort of always take signs for something, you know. It means something. But what it arose for me was, Nine years of wall gazing. Roshi's teaching constantly, if you've read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, and if you've read the one that Ed Brown edited. Not Always So. His continuous teaching of returning to the breath. And then if those two signs aren't enough about, you know, get serious, you descend the stairs to the Zendo and there's the Han, you know.

[26:24]

Don't waste your life. Don't waste time. So in those moments, you know. Suzuki Roshi's image has been there for many months, and Bodhidharma has been hanging outside the Buddha Hall for quite a while. In those moments, there was some magic that called the attention. A reminder. So this was the quote by Uchiyama Roshi that... that inspired the thinking of talking about the magic of our practice and the importance of being in touch with that magic because often, and perhaps this is more in the West, at least I get engaged in that I think of practice as maybe something functional, something evaluative to help me be better, calm my mind, you know,

[27:43]

or something that has to do with performance. And what I'm inviting us to consider is that to wake up to this magic, to open to the awe, to the unfathomableness of this existence, where we can be witness both through the process of zazen and through all our practices. We can witness, be witness to our own lives and the lives of others, to our own suffering and the suffering of others. And that is that witnessing with that sense of magic that keeps practice alive, keeps practice flowing, keeps practice joyful and keeps practice very juicy. So here's his quote.

[28:49]

And this is Uchiyama Roshi. The other day, I finally found the Andromeda Nebula with a pair of binoculars. I look at it with my whole heart every night. In the old days, the world was much bigger. Yet recently, it has gotten smaller. In the past, animals such as raccoons and foxes played active parts in Japanese fairy tales, and we enjoyed them. We had a lot of romantic dreams then, but now this is no longer possible in Japan. Japan is jammed with cars. Countries outside Japan, like Tibet, were mysterious realms, and the Arctic and the Antarctic were unknown worlds. Mount Everest was thought to be unconquerable, and the sun and moon were objects of worship.

[29:51]

But now, because of the development of science and technology, there's no place left that we cannot reach. Things have really changed within the past 50 years. The possibility of knowing everything now exists, so we have lost our dreams. I feel the earth has become smaller and our life has become dull. That is why when I found the Andromeda Nebula with my binoculars, I was delighted. It is just a dim, distant shape, but I was so happy to see it. There are supposed to be billions of such nebulas in the universe. So we feel that space is really huge. So I invite you to consider looking for that Andromeda nebula in your life.

[31:08]

And to recapture the magic that perhaps we touch in Zazen to truly know our true self, which is our birthright. Anybody want to bring anything up? Yes. Say the first part again, please.

[32:16]

You're saying something. Don't give me too much credit though. What I would say is that one of the first teachings that I remember hearing about the Buddha, and I could have, you know, heard it incorrectly or be making it up right now, was the notion that in his teachings that it's not about belief.

[34:25]

It's about experiencing. It's about observing. In the words, in my past life, you know, in my professional life, we use the term, it's about trying on, right? So that's where I was coming from when I was talking with her. There's not a conceptual idea of a fixed anything. Oh you want a verbal one, okay.

[35:42]

What arose that moment was that which cannot be touched. Touched. For Lola, what was God? The question is more for Lola, what was not God? There was nothing outside of it. Nothing outside of it. And let me say God was God. God was he who lived in heaven. I mean, very definite, very real, very solid. And I don't want to convey by talking about it in this way, like, you know, there's like a disrespect or a humor to it. It was remarkable because it was, underneath it, it was anchored by the most profound faith I've ever encountered in anyone.

[36:55]

Her life was in the hands of God. To the extent that last year, my sister and I, realized we needed to talk to her because she lived alone. She was independent. She didn't live with anybody. She didn't get along with anybody in the family. So we felt we needed to talk with her about what did she want to happen when she became ill. You must understand intergenerationally that the conversation has never happened in my family. So we sat down with her in her living room and We said, well, we'd like to speak with you about what you would like us to do if something were to happen to you. Oh, you two don't need to worry about that because God will take care of me at that level. So I said, well, and this is what I mean about we had an authentic, very broad. I said, well, what about if God happens to be on vacation that week?

[37:59]

And she thought about it, and she said, just leave me there, you know, i.e. until God comes back, you know. So we said, look, we cannot leave you there. Don't worry about it. You know, it's like, you can't. You've got to talk about it. And then she said, well, I'll think about it. She was real clear, and we had these conversations. Are you prepared for death? Yes. Are you scared? No. What about pain? God is going to take care of me. And I have to say that she did not experience physical pain at all. And that maybe is magic, maybe it's a miracle, but with all the ailments she had, she did not experience physical pain. And had the entire staff, palliative care staff, completely confounded. They would come in to try to measure her pain, and she said, no pain. So, you know, it was very real.

[39:04]

And she was ready to go and be with God. And through this practice period, as I've been working with this, I confidently feel that she is with God. Thank you very much.

[39:28]

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