This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone. Joy to see you. Thank you for being here at Beginner's Mind Temple. And I'm going to start our journey together this evening with a or if you will, a Zen story. And this is Case 69 from the Blue Cliff Record, and it's titled Nan Chuan's Circle. And before I continue, I'll just say my name, just in case that would be helpful to any of you. My name is David Zimmerman, and I am the head of practice, or Tonto, here. So thank you again for being here. So here is the koan to start our journey.

[01:02]

Nanchuan, Kui Sang, and Maku went together to pay respects to national teacher Chung. When they got halfway there, Nanchuan drew a circle on the ground and said, if you can speak, then let's go on. Kui Sang sat down inside the circle. Maku bowed. Nanjuan said, then let's not go on. Kresang replied, what's going on in your mind? So we are midway through a six week practice period in which we are studying together a bright, noble speech. And like our Dharma brothers here in this koan, we are making an arduous journey.

[02:09]

And in this case, this journey is part of the Eightfold Path. And the particular component of this path, right speech, is a very fundamental aspect of our engagement with each other. And so, as we study right speech, as we study together what it is to express ourselves, to listen to each other, to connect, to touch that in ourselves which is deepest, and allow it to come forth and manifest in the particular form of communication, all this together is really a path of awakening. How is it that we can awake together through upright, noble speech? Now, this particular journey can be exhausting, can be tiring, and it takes a lot of courage to really study and look at our karmic, habitual tendencies around speech and the ways in which we go astray.

[03:25]

get lost, lose ourselves. So, here we are, midway through, and now what? What happens at this point in the journey? Here, in the koan, these three Dharma brothers, particularly Nanchuan, basically says, let's stop. And he draws a circle on the ground, and he says, if you can speak, Then let's go on. So why is it that Nanquan stops midway? What significance is that? Why would we stop midway on a journey? Perhaps tired? Perhaps seeking some kind of refreshment, rejuvenation? Perhaps just wanting to catch their breath from rushing along to their destination? Who knows? Who knows what's going on?

[04:27]

But I myself, in thinking about this journey that we're making on the path of upright and noble speech, realize that as part of the process, I've become hyper-aware, almost to the extent of being somewhat anxious and fearful about everything that comes out of my mouth. What am I going to say that's going to miss the mark, go astray, hurt someone in some way that was unintentional? And so what I often find myself doing during this practice period is actually stopping, stopping myself, sometimes in mid-sentence, and saying, what am I doing? What is my intention as I'm speaking? Why am I speaking? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it beneficial? What am I doing by opening my mouth?

[05:32]

So this is a rich opportunity to actually, as Nanshuang is, I think, challenging us, to really basically say, if you can speak, then you can continue, basically checking our intention first before we continue in expressing ourselves in some way. I confess that I fret quite a bit before giving a Dharma talk. I describe it to people like having a baby. And it hurts every time. And I just want the thing to pop out and have its own life and continue, but stop tormenting me with the weight of the responsibility in some way. And a lot of it has to do with Anything I could say has probably been said before and a lot better than I could ever say. And so why even try?

[06:36]

And the other aspect, too, is it's so vulnerable to be on this seat, but also any time we open our mouths, we're being deeply vulnerable. We're really having to expose ourself in some way. And we may, even if it's just one-on-one with another person, there's a deep intimacy of how it is that we're showing up in this moment for the other person, for ourselves, for the community. So it's going to be nerve-wracking. And I think a large part of it is that we identify ourselves with the way that we talk, with our speech. We think that this is me. This is my personality. This is my opinion. This is my story. This is who I am.

[07:38]

Or so it seems. But the reality is it's really what's coming out of our mouth is nothing more than a bunch of habitual habit patterns of thoughts, feelings, old stories and memories. that we've kind of all strung together in some way and tried to make a somewhat coherent expression or narrative. And yet, beneath this concern, am I going to say something that's valuable? I can sense it myself. There's this question of self-worth. Is what I have to say good enough? Is it going to be valued? Am I good enough? What is my value? What is the value of everything I have to say?

[08:40]

And how does that point back to some sense of self? Questioning. Who am I? Is this one enough? And so there's this way in which, you know, just showing up and being vulnerable. This is really very much an inner work that we have to do, studying for ourselves. What is it to be presence when I speak? My teacher, Tia Strozer, who's sitting over there, we've been having a tug of war, perhaps, conversation, challenge, she would like me to give a Dharma talk without notes. And I'm like, no way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so we've been negotiating how many pages I can go down to, you know. And then, you know, she keeps trying and trying.

[09:43]

And I almost expected her tonight to come up to me and steal the notes and run off. Fortunately, she didn't. She's been kind tonight, you know. But what she's really trying to point to is, you know, what matters most when you're on this seat, and I'm going to say anytime you're speaking, is speaking from a place of presence. Just being presence. Conveying presence. That's what Tia thinks matters most in a Dharma talk, and that the content, the words themselves, are secondary. Now, I am a little dubious about that, I've heard some Dharma talks that people are describing their breakfast very mindfully, but it doesn't sound like a Dharma talk to me. So I do think content matters. And I think how you string it together is beneficial. What a skillful means in having a good cohesive expression.

[10:43]

And I have a terrible memory. So the idea of coming in here without notes and giving you something that kind of tracks in some way I think that would be a difficult experience for you all. While I was fretting about what I'm going to say for this Dharma talk, I was also reflecting on the Dharma talk that Jeremy Levy gave last week in which he used the play, Shakespeare's play, King Lear, as a kind of for talking about noble speech. And in thinking about that, I also have somewhat of a theater background. I was thinking of the masks, the tragedy and comedy masks. Do you guys know those? Yeah? And what I also remembered is that the word persona, which comes from Latin, means pushing air through a mask.

[11:49]

pushing air through a mask. And I think this is a very vivid and evocative, provocative image in regards to our act of speaking and also giving a Dharma talk in this case. And so I looked up the definition of persona and it said, character in a play, a person's perceived or evident personality such as a well-known official, actor, or celebrity, personal image, or public role. And also Carl Jung, the psychologist, said that a persona is the mask or facade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment, and not representing the inner personality of the individual. not representing the inner personality and the individual.

[12:54]

So often persona is contrasted with the word enema, which is basically defined as the inner personality that is turned toward the unconscious of an individual. The inner personality that is turned toward the unconscious of the individual. And the origin of the word enema is actually based in breath. So there's this play between pushing breath out through the mask, through the persona, in some way which is aggressive, if you will. Pushing our, you know, in Zen terms, our small self out into the world through the sense of who we think we are, who we've been told we should be in order to represent some particular character that is acceptable to the world.

[13:57]

And then there's this other path, part, which is turning inward, reconnecting to the breath or the life force in us and abiding there, resting there, connecting there And you can almost see this flow of breathing in, feeling the breath down here in the hara, coming out. And what comes out is based down here in your heart, in the center of your being. Coming out and then taking in again the world, being nourished by the world and letting it come, enter and nourished in. But there's a deep vulnerability to that, a willingness to reach deep into yourself. and allow the base of breath itself to inform everything you say and do. So think about, you know, what is it that are words and breath rooted in?

[15:03]

What place of boundless, inconceivable life force can we speak from? It's sobering to realize how much our speaking depends on breath. Unless you're using sign language or another form of non-verbal, it really depends on breath. Everything we say is this act of air coming out of our bodies and having a particular vibration in our vocal cords, in being nuanced by our mouth and the way our mouth moves, and so on. It's this whole orchestra that comes forward. And all of it, in some way, at the service of expressing our desires, our wants, our dreams, our sense of self and who we are.

[16:07]

And I was thinking about this recently, Because a friend of mine, I think I mentioned this in my last Dharma talk, died. He was in the hospital for about a month, and he had a lung condition. He got pneumonia first, and it got worse, and eventually he ended up in a coma, a drug-induced coma. And a few days before he died, they actually brought him out of the coma to let him know that he was going to die, that there was nothing more that they could do. And when I came to visit him on the last few days of his life, he had a tracheotomy, this tube going in here, in order to help him to breathe. And that was the only way he could continue to breathe. And it was interesting trying to have a conversation with him because he couldn't speak.

[17:10]

He would shape the words in his mouth and really try to get us, his husband, myself, his family, to understand what he was trying to say. And 75% of the time, we'd be leaning over, and we just couldn't make it out. And it was this kind of constant miscommunication that we were having. And even as I was holding his hand, the last few minutes of his life, before he finally slipped under, they had given him some... medication to basically help him to fall asleep before he went off the machines. And so it would be a painless death. He was trying to say something very important, his last words, and I couldn't understand him. And it was heartbreaking to say his last words, and I couldn't figure out what he was trying to say.

[18:11]

and this, you know, this way that, you know, it's actually not unusual. How often do we move our mouths thinking we're communicating something vital to ourselves, and yet others really aren't getting what it is we're trying to say? And that kind of internal sense of desperation, despair, sadness, a sense of being missed, in some way that we might feel as a result of this miscommunication. And I think there is this great anxiety for many of us, myself included, that somehow we will be missed. If others can't understand us, who we are will be missed in some way. I want to, or missed in some way, but also, you know, this great desire to be completely heard, to be completely seen, to be completely witnessed.

[19:27]

I think that's what we want most, to have life witness and verify our beingness and how much we rely on others and language and as a vehicle for that to happen, and how often we just don't get that from others. There's a poem that I deeply love, and I've kind of read it before here, and I want to read it again, and it's by Jane Hirshfield. And I think it speaks to this. And the poem is titled, It Was Like This, You Were Happy. It was like this, you were happy, Then you were sad, then happy again, then not. It went on. You were innocent or you were guilty. Actions were taken or not. At times you spoke, at other times you were silent.

[20:34]

Mostly, it seems, you were silent. What could you say? Now it is almost over. Like a lover, your life bends down and kisses your life. It does this not in forgiveness. Between you, there is nothing to forgive. But with a simple nod, of a baker at the moment he sees the bread is finished with transformation. Eating too is a thing now only for others. It doesn't matter what they will make of you or your days. They will be wrong. They will miss the wrong woman, miss the wrong man. All the stories they tell retails of their own invention.

[21:36]

Your story was this. You were happy, then you were sad. You slept, you're awakened. Sometimes you ate roasted chestnuts, sometimes persimmons. I think the part of this poem that gets me the most each time is the stanza, it doesn't matter what they will make of you or your days. They will be wrong. They will miss the wrong woman, miss the wrong man. All the stories they tell will be tales of their own invention. So what is it to drop the stories that we carry with us? and simply focus on the immediate direct experience of this moment.

[22:47]

An immediacy that is before language, before speaking. It's the taste of the persimmon. It's the holding the hand of a friend as he takes his last breath. It's the delighting of a friend in the laughter of a child. What is it to dwell in this immediate, unmediated, just this experience? So, back to the koan. Nan Chuan draws a circle in the dirt and Kuesong sits inside. So in Zen, the circle, and you often see a circle as an Enso, symbolizes enlightenment, strength, equanimity, the universe.

[23:53]

Sometimes we say Mu, or not having, or nothing, kind of the emptiness, which is everything interconnected. And a circle is also a symbol of wholeness, completeness, perfection. And ultimately, it's a symbol of truth, the truth of wholeness, the wholeness of the universe, the wholeness of the universe by virtue of dependent co-arising. Everything is interconnected. It's an all-inclusive reality. So, in drawing the circle, Nanquan is asking, his Dharma brothers, to say something about this truth. But the reality is, as you probably know, it's pretty difficult to do. Because the minute you say it, it's no longer the truth. And that's because of the limits of language.

[24:56]

It's incomplete. Language is just a metaphor for another experience. It can never summarize encapsulate, fully express the truth of this moment. I think the circle also points us back to the word sama in samavaka, which is the Pali for right speech, which is what we're studying this practice period. And the practice of samavaka, right speech, is speaking with integrity, with completeness, with wholeness, coherence. And so when Kwe Sang sits down in the center of the circle, he's sitting down in the center of completeness, of perfect wholeness, and in doing so, expressing himself and his truth, truth, thoroughly.

[26:02]

And without the complication and tangle of words, Katagiri says in his commentary on this kong, by sitting down inside the circle, Kui Sang sits and returns to his original nature, his Buddha nature. In this gesture, he was signifying completion. He's already complete. There's nothing more to say. And you do this, we do this, every time we sit down in Zazen. Zazen is returning to our original nature. Those circles, zafus, we're sitting on, is this act of returning to our Buddha nature, our awake nature. It's a reminder of that. It's this sacred seat in which we come back again and again reminding ourselves why it is that we are practicing.

[27:09]

Consider for a moment, what's the truest thing you can say about yourself? What's the truest thing you can say about yourself? Adashante, the non-dual teacher who also has a Zen background, describes in one of his books, I think, the way in which years before his awakening, he would sit in cafes for hours and hours and write in a journal through a process of inquiry. And he would kind of pose, there would be a spontaneous question that come to him in some way, a practice question, a personal koan, and then he would hold that koan or that question until he had the most honest response come forward that he could write down.

[28:17]

Waiting for the truest thing that he could say. And this is actually a good process for our own dharma inquiry. To ask ourselves as a meditation. Who am I? Or better, what am I? And then simply wait for the response to come forward. Finding out what is the truest thing that you can say about who you are in some way. And what is it that drops away? What is it that falls away over time? And what is it to wait for an answer that is not the Zen answer that you're supposed to think you're supposed to have, but actually something more authentic and genuine. And what Ajahn Shanti realized as he did this exercise over and over again, particularly asking the question, who am I?

[29:24]

Or what am I? Was that all he could simply say in response was, I am. I am. That was the only thing he could truly say. And of course it takes great courage and honesty to be able to drop our stories, our fabrications, and to observe ourselves and to live from a place of vulnerability, of I am, letting everything else fall away. This act of resting in I am is the heart of Zazen. So we sit down, we become still and quiet. Perhaps it is that we may initiate with a question, an inquiry of some sort.

[30:31]

Who am I? What's happening now? What is this? And then we just sit in silence. experience our life coming forward. Experience the universe responding to our inquiry, answering us in its own unique, vibrant way. And then when we get off our cushion and go about our day, what is it to speak from the place of Zazen? What is it to be awareness, giving language to awareness? Category in his book, You Have to Say Something, says this about the koan.

[31:36]

There is no way to communicate truth. So how can you express it, whether through language or some other way? And how do we live in accordance with it? How do we bring our life in accordance with truth? Before we discuss what truth is, or what the real nature of the self is, or what zazen is, or what kind of relationship exists between the real nature of the self and doing zazen, all we have to do is be one with the circle. All discussion and thought is secondary. It occurs only after the true moment melted away. To return to our original nature and sit in peace and harmony, all we must do is be one with Zazen. I think sometimes of very powerful images that I've seen of people who are in deep silence and speaking very powerfully.

[32:55]

And particularly images that I know you've all probably have seen yourselves or heard about. Rosa Parks sitting on the bus in a position of dignity, refusing to move. for whom are dharma seats. And then there's the tank man, anyone you know from Tenement Square, 1989, who stood in front of a tank obstructing its path, refusing to move initially. And then there's Aisha Evans, the black woman standing last year in front of a line, a whole line of armed police, just quietly and calmly standing there in her own nobility. And then there is the Vietnamese monk, who I believe it was in 1963, perhaps, who set himself afire and then sat as he burned, unmoving, in great conviction, expressing great conviction,

[34:12]

that there was an injustice happening that we needed to bring attention to. So sometimes our silent actions speak much louder than words. What is it to be a steadfast presence? Going back to the koan, Muku bows. His Dharma brother sits in a circle And muku as an expression of speaking, speaking from a place of silence, bows. In doing so, he's acknowledging gratitude, humility, respect, a sense of interconnectedness. And nothing is left unspoken in his bow. How might... each of our bowels, when we bow to each other and bow to our seats and bow to whatever it is that we're bowing to in our life, be a complete expression in some way.

[35:22]

Nanjuan says, once both of his Dharma brothers express their truth, he said, well then, let's not go on. What more needs to be said? There's nothing more to seek. We've already arrived in this moment. We've expressed reality completely. What's the point of going off to visit our teacher and just hear more words? Our journey is complete here and now. And yet, Kwe Sang challenges him, what's going on in your mind? What is going on in your mind? And basically he's reminding his Dharma brothers that the way forward means to continuously and ceaselessly study the mind. What is going on in your mind?

[36:30]

What's the internal chatter that's happening? What is it to recognize that there is no stopping, in a certain sense, of our continuous practice? And as Katagiri reminds us, even though we don't know how to communicate the truth, we still have to speak. We have to say something. So how to wrap this up? couple minutes for any questions you might have. Do you have something to say? Speak. Speak. Yes. What's your name?

[37:31]

Dan. Hi. Thank you. But just as motherhood is, you know, giving a child to the world is a wonderful gift, and our speech is a wonderful gift.

[39:58]

But we have to care for it, nourish it, nurture it, tend to it, make sure that the way in which it enters into the world and has its own life is something that we really feel will be a benefit in some way. And so your deep care for your friends and your own commitments about how it is that I'm going to give to the world in both my speech and the choice not to become a mother at this point, this discernment, for each of us, moment by moment discernment on this journey. What's true now for me? And how can I offer that truth as a way, as a gift to the world and express it? So thank you very much. We're out of time.

[41:01]

So thank you very much for your intention and patience. None of you went screaming out of the room. I appreciate that as well. Let's now go to sleep. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[41:40]

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