This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone. Everyone here and everyone online, thank you for joining us to explore the Dharma. My name is Dan. I'm one of the resident priests here at San Francisco Zen Center's Beginner's Mind Temple. I'd like to thank Tova, our tanto, or head of temple practice, for the invitation to give this talk. I'd like to thank my teacher, Rick Sloan, and all of you and all of our practice ancestors for helping and guiding me and each other.

[01:00]

I'm curious if there's anyone who's here for the first time. Lovely. Thank you for being here. I think it takes a certain courage to walk through the door of a building like this, so I applaud you already. And I just want to encourage and remind us all to stay comfortable. So if you need to adjust your position or do whatever takes care of yourself during this talk. And I also want to remind us all to not be afraid to ask questions. I'm hoping to leave a little time for questions at the end, but even out in the hallway, whether you're a resident or a first-time visitor, asking questions is always a good practice. Sometimes we don't really... know what we know until we're asked to explain it. So, as I was getting my thoughts together last week, thinking about this talk, I came down with a cold, just a run-of-the-mill, mid-level sort of cold, but the first one I've had since late 2019, and it turned out it completely changed what

[02:29]

I decided I was going to talk about tonight. So I'm going to come back to that cold in a little bit, but it highlighted for me something that happened at the end of last year that I'd like to tell you all about first. So for the three years, I was living at Zen Center's Tassajara Monastery. That's our training temple down in the Ventana Wilderness in Monterey County. And I was there from January 2020 until the middle of January this year. So that was for the start and the heart of the COVID pandemic. And that experience of being at Tassajara during those years is a much longer story for another time. But what's important here is that I was at Tassajara for three years without catching COVID until three weeks before I was going to leave. move back here. So as I said, I hadn't had even a head cold since 2019, so that experience of catching COVID was really quite novel at the time for me.

[03:43]

And what for me was really notable about that experience was that I wasn't adding very much additional misery to it. There was no... internal dialogue of why is this happening or I don't deserve this. There wasn't even that much I hate this. Maybe a little I wish this wasn't happening. But I think in the past, what has often been really at the heart of my reaction to illness is a feeling of this isn't fair. This shouldn't be happening to me. But that was really... notably absent. What was happening to my body was really just kind of fascinating to watch and experience. So when I woke up from a nap a few days before Christmas with this sort of kind of confused and hot syrupy feeling that I remembered from previous big viruses, I noticed it.

[04:54]

and accepted it. I mean, it was already happening, so there wasn't really much I could do about it at that point. I could just get tested, confirm that it was in fact COVID, let people know, and lie back down. And when the fever started, I was actually really intrigued. I hadn't had a fever in quite a few years, long before. many years before. I don't generally get fevers very much, but this one pretty quickly went so high that I had the chills and even fever dreams. And they were, much to my surprise, the exact same fever dreams that I remembered from when I was a small child. So there was even something a little kind of weirdly nostalgic in the experience. And so all I could really do was stuff the fireplace full of wood, pile on some blankets, listen to the rain, and hang out with a very, very contented cat.

[06:05]

And even at the time, as it was happening, I noticed how different it was to not add on additional suffering to that experience. And I do want to be realistic that... Some of the suffering of illness is not optional. It's just there. Things still hurt. The muscle aches were bad. Being in bed so long just hurt in its own way. And it was really a shame to be sick at that particular time. It was sort of an open couple of weeks at Tassajara, and I had lots of plans. All of that had just been taken out of my control. And without that judgment that this was a bad thing that shouldn't have happened to me, the pain and the shivering and everything else was really information that I was getting from my body.

[07:11]

And I had an opportunity to notice all of these amazing bodily reactions that were completely outside of conscious control. And so first, I want to point out a few of the many things that went into me having the space and support to be interested in my illness rather than struggling against it and being concerned. First, and probably most importantly, I was entirely supported by this incredible community. And I I felt comfortable enough to accept that support. I was much too sick to work or get firewood or prepare my own food, so all of that was taken care of for me. It was a real expression of love, and I could feel it very clearly. I also had the benefit of modern medical science in the vaccines and boosters to help me not get too sick.

[08:20]

And I'd been really lucky for those three years, not having caught it sooner. So when I got it, compared to what it can be, it wasn't really so bad. And I'd been able to live in a secluded monastery for three years, meditating a lot and trying to practice with every part of my life, to practice without leaving anything out, to treat every experience as a Dharma gate. as an opportunity to notice and wake up to what I see as the underlying okayness of existing. So I think I maybe burned out some of my old patterns, and that made some space for me to try something new. And I think it's also really important to note that I was able to spend three years in that monastery because of how the preceding 42 years of my life had gone. It's a complex web of family and social support, and undoubtedly a significant amount of white male privilege that accrues to being in this body.

[09:32]

And so I was able to arrange my life in ways that many people don't have access to, and it was of really great benefit to me. And I also don't want to oversell my equanimity in the situation. I didn't maintain some perfect unbroken mind state through 10 days of having COVID. My judgments about what was happening weren't magically or completely vanquished. But when those self-pitying thoughts that reinforce myself's feeling of solidity came up, after a while I could notice those too and I could sort of treat them like I had been treating the physical pain, as information that this system was providing. Except I noticed that the mental pain would go away if I didn't poke at it for very long.

[10:36]

And a piece that was really important here for me in particular was to also not add on additional self-judgment when I noticed that these judging thoughts had come up. The helpful attitude for me was thinking, of course you're feeling frustrated. That's a normal thing to feel right now. And to not start thinking, I can't believe you're doing that again, which is the sort of self-recrimination I would usually practice in times before. And again, I also want to underline how lucky I was. COVID is and has been a really terrible, terrible thing. And being sick is not easy or pleasant at any point. And many people have much more difficult experiences. So I don't want anyone to feel bad if your experience of illness is not like this experience I'm describing.

[11:44]

I'm just encouraging the inclusion of... this aspect of life in our practice along with all of the other aspects of life. So to maybe lay it out a little more plainly, what I noticed in that experience was that extended Zen practice and engagement with this practice had reset and altered some of my default responses. And I noticed that holding my practice personal perspective and story more lightly reduced my personal suffering. And that I, myself, and my own mind were the source of a big piece of the suffering that I used to associate with getting sick. And again, I can't say enough that the Sangha, the community of Buddhist practitioners, is an absolute treasure.

[12:49]

Some of those people who supported me at Tassajara during that time are in this room, as a matter of fact, and I just want to again say thank you. So I thought I might share a few words from one of our ancient teachers that I find applicable here. So these are the opening lines of the Xin Xin Ming, usually translated as faith in mind by our... third Chinese ancestor, Tsing Kang. The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything.

[13:53]

To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind. So I had this story that I ought not to be sick. And I had a strong preference for... being what is conventionally called healthy. And there was a really wonderful opportunity here to notice how my mind works with these ideas and what the outcomes are. And it appears to me that if I judge one state or experience as being better or preferable to another, before long I'm going to end up struggling against reality when change inevitably happens. But if I can loosen my belief in that good-bad judgment, my experience also becomes a little bit looser, more able to align with reality.

[14:59]

In truth, that idea of healthy is just a conventional expression that I try to fit onto a much more complex and nuanced moment. In those... Hours before I started feeling any symptoms, was I still healthy? I thought I was. I felt like I was. In the weeks after I recovered, was I healthier? I probably would have said so, but I had spent 10 days in bed and not exercising, not socializing, eating kind of weirdly and a lot of candy. So was I really healthy at that point? Sick and healthy really are just another dualistic pair that only have meaning in relationship to each other. They don't really have an immutable reality of their own. And on a deep level, I also see that my negative judgments about this experience of getting sick and the symptoms involved don't leave any room for the wonder of the experience.

[16:14]

There were uncountable living things using this body to perpetuate their lives. And that fever was not a direct effect of the virus, but that's part of this body's response to it. It's a response that has developed and evolved over millions of years to meet moments like that one. It had actually a kind of beauty of its own and certainly inspired a sense of awe when I was ready to see that It was unbelievable that my body could do all of these things without me directing it to do them. Going through the cold that I had last week, I noticed that the core of that previous experience was still with me and was still really, really helpful, even for this much milder illness.

[17:28]

And in keeping with my experience of the endlessness of this practice, with that little cold that came up last week, there were new Dharma gates for me, new opportunities for me to notice. what was happening, and to see where practice was pointing me in that situation. This practice really is a path, not a destination. So I woke up last Wednesday morning with an undeniably scratchy throat and stuffy, runny nose. And Wednesday is a particular day in my schedule. Most weeks I have a Roll on Wednesdays on the Doan Rio. That's the group of people who ring the bells and play the drums and time the meditation periods and so on. So I got out of bed and noticed I was sick. And while I was brushing my teeth, I tried to think about what I should do.

[18:33]

And all of the meetings and appointments and plans that I had just kept kind of racing around in my mind in a loop. And I was just... basically kept saying, no, no, no, not today, not today. And I knew that the temple policy, if you're sick, is to mask up, take a COVID test, don't go to the Zendo so you don't get anybody else sick. And I knew that people were expecting me to be there to do some things, and I didn't want to let them down or inconvenience them. So... For a little while, I actually considered just pretending I wasn't sick, just refusing to believe it, just putting it off until later on, dealing with it some other time. And then I thought about all of the wonderful, sincere folks who would be in the meditation hall breathing with me and how complex their lives and their situations are.

[19:39]

And I thought about all of the doors and the mallets and the cushions that I'd be touching if I went. And of course, I realized I couldn't expose everyone to what was obviously a cold running out of my face and into the world. And what I noticed in myself was what felt like a strain of selfishness, a feeling that I'm too busy for this or I'm too important for this. And And as long as I was feeding that feeling, not only was I creating more suffering for myself, I was actually on the verge of doing harm to others with my actions. This tricky human mind of mine wanted to preserve a self-image I have of myself as a good person who doesn't create difficulty for other people. And here again, I think it's important to bring up this that we can direct towards ourselves in moments like this.

[20:42]

We as human beings have very complex social lives. An awareness of what others think of us, how they think of us, is actually very important to being a human being and engaging in a satisfying way with the larger society. And at the same time, it's easy for that awareness to... take over and just start running the show. So my effort is not to stop my mind from noticing and thinking about my place in that social structure, but to recognize that that's only one piece of the picture. And I find that what helps me is to be kind to myself, to notice what I'm thinking, to acknowledge that I've thought it, even sometimes to thank my mind for its efforts to look out for trouble and danger. And then somehow it seems like once my mind feels like it has been heard, it's a little bit easier to let that thought go or to make space for some other points of view.

[21:55]

I could also see that I was kind of looking out for my own convenience as I was thinking over the options. I didn't really want to engage in the effort of figuring out how to deal with this situation. But in order to ignore reality, I would have been making much greater trouble by making many more people sick. As Don Neal put it in last Wednesday's Dharma Talk, our Buddhist ethical guidelines can be summed up as, do no harm. So what did I do on Wednesday? I did finish brushing my teeth. I put on a mask, and I went and found the Eno, the head of the meditation hall. And I told Kay that I was too sick to be Fukudo. And I knew that this was not convenient for Kay. It was only five minutes before I was supposed to start, and that morning was also the monthly full moon ceremony.

[23:09]

And for that, the Eno and the rest of the Doan Rio have plenty of other things to deal with. But I knew that the overall priority had to be the health and safety of the community. So, thank you, Kay. And I'm sorry. After thinking all of that over, I didn't feel good about the decision. I wasn't glad about it. but I felt at ease about it in a way that was very clear to me. I was avoiding doing harm to other beings, and that was important. Wednesday morning also happens to be my dish shift, my weekly temple house job when I do the breakfast dishes. And with cold symptoms, I also couldn't do that. So thank you as well to the person or persons who picked up my slack in the kitchen.

[24:12]

I say, again, it is a wonder and a joy to live in spiritual community. So in some respects, this talk is about lessons from this common experience of getting sick. Impermanence, illness, pretty classic Buddhist themes. And there's certainly some specific things that I learned, and I receive those lessons gladly. Maybe some of those can also be of benefit to some of you. And in a larger sense, my point is that we have an opportunity in every moment, in every experience. If I bring awareness to the moment and feel into the practice of the moment, I can choose to do something that will be of benefit to myself and to others. Or at the very least, I can cause the least harm possible.

[25:15]

And I think this heart of practice doesn't really change. The non-judgmental awareness and then acting from kindness, to me, seems like it's always going to be a good starting point. And when I bring my mind... back to this again and again when I notice my judgments, acknowledge them, and let them go, and look for the path of kindness. The more I do that, the more deeply that habit gets into me. It gets into a place that's deeper than my mind and into a place that can really help me see the way to be kind and upright in the moment while it's happening. And from one perspective, the topic of this talk maybe can seem a little small, just getting sick, paying attention to it, and how that helped me.

[26:19]

But I see a sort of fractal pattern in this practice. You can zoom in and out of our experiences, and the same fundamental lessons apply. How they're enacted... how you meet the moment is going to look different. But there is a core there that can be mapped on to all sorts of other situations and experiences. So I thought I would end with bringing us back to those lines from the Xin Xin Ming as an encouragement to All of us. The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised.

[27:27]

Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind. Thank you. And we do have time for some questions. So if anyone has any... Thoughts, questions, reactions. If you are online, you can raise your Zoom hand and we'll spot you as soon as we can. And if you are in the room, we'll bring you a microphone. So you mentioned in this idea of dividing your love and hate,

[28:33]

and how it separates heaven and the earth. But I'm curious how that relates to this idea of coming to a situation with a kind and loving awareness. So is this kind and loving awareness almost experientially different from the love and hate that is spoken of by... our Chinese ancestor. Thank you. Yeah, that actually, as I was reading over this today, that line in particular kept kind of catching my eye and kind of catching in my ear as well. Because it does seem to, it seems to be telling us to live without love. And that, to me, does not feel at all true to this practice. And so what I... What I get from that is that hate, I think, is pretty universally corrosive.

[29:40]

I think we have a lot of evidence of that, and I think in many spiritual circles there is little debate about the corrosiveness of hate. And love, or at least certain things that we experience or name as love, also can be troubling or tricky. And so I think being careful and aware with the experience of love is a good starting point. Sort of what I'm thinking is that a really clear view of the present moment can be clouded by all sorts of things. And the feeling of love, I think, is a great gift we can give to each other.

[30:43]

And I think sometimes the expression of love or the idea of love can put us off balance a little bit. And so I think love is wonderful and is one of the concepts that I use to sort of describe the core of this practice. And it should be treated seriously and carefully. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[31:43]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[31:59]

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