Good evening. So you'll have to carry it with me tonight. For those of you sure already know my condition, but in particular, I can't take anything by not anymore. Therefore, I can't swallow. So I can't take water or cells. And I have feature, which means that I can't taste food anymore. So I want all of you who are enjoying some delicious meal or a nice piece of cherry pie to really enjoy it. And as you take a bite, think of me for a nice cold glass of water because it's no longer available to me. But occasionally I will watch a cooking show because it takes some precarious pleasure to be able to prepare food. I also would like this talk to be

[01:02]

interactive, too, in the sense that Martha calls today and suggested that people would probably want an update on where I was with my health. And usually, you don't want to hear that from people. You know, you visit somebody, they're going to tell you all about most recent problems. That can be pretty dire. So in part, this will be that way. But just like the class, what I'd really like it to be is interactive in the sense that lots of you have gone through personal traumas in your mind. You've lost people. Some of you have been fighting against it yourselves and have lost people in your families through one disease or another. So you all know what it's like to face that one form or another. And all of you, of course, all of us at some point will die.

[02:04]

It's the nature of the way life is. So I get to be interactive in the sense that we're all sharing our own experiences too. So the talk, I'll try not to make it too long so we can actually get some interaction with everybody here. Everyone can have some kind of input. It's interesting today, you'd think, even though I'm feeling somewhat anxious giving this talk today, Linda Harrington and Judith Keenan came over, and what did we do? We were all the way down in the living room and went to sleep. And then I was doing a tube feeding at about 4.30, and Irene Oba, who's the great carejaker, she's a wonderful organizer, called me at 6.30 and said, John, Are you ready? No. So I apparently need to sleep.

[03:06]

I got to go out on the bay yesterday as part of the Independence Day celebration on a boat and looked at the fireworks, and that was fun. But I think maybe I got a little more tired than I could imagine. I'd like to begin to talk about is this is the whole concept of assumptions that we make in our life. And it was prompted by a variety of events, the only events happening in my own life. But in particular, a television program, I don't know if any of you caught it. It was on PBS. It was a two-part program, two hours each, of five children. at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital who were all dying of cancer. And of the five, three of them don't survive.

[04:08]

It's a very powerful program. I don't know, how many of you were able to catch it? I know. Okay. Good. So it's titled, A Leap Away the Lion in the House. But it was very powerful for a variety of reasons. One was you realize the resilience and the strength with these little kids. Even though I can't take anything by now, I do am able to wet my mouth, as long as I don't take too big a sip. If I take too big a sip, you'll see me doing a whole variety of things with Bellamy's cleaning sip. What was amazing was the resilience of these children, the difficulty in their lives. Some of the smaller ones, in particular, would go through the most horrific kind of tests. There was one little girl, she was probably three years old, and she had her doing a spinal tap on it.

[05:18]

Those of you who might have had a spinal tap done, it's a very painful procedure. But she was just, no more always, no more always, but of course she evolved to do that spinal cord. And what was incredibly inspiring again about watching these kids is to see their spirit that after doing some rounds of chemo, these same kids, if they had a respite, where it went into remission. They suddenly had all this energy to be running around just being kids. But progressively as the disease proceeded, these kids were less able to do that. In this girl's case particularly, the cancer went to her face and into the actual bone structure. And the only option the doctors had at that point was to actually go into the bone itself. And as it was, it looked like she had been beaten up because her face was so swollen and her mother resisted the idea just because it would be, again, more invasive and greater danger to her daughter.

[06:30]

So there's a very touching scene. I think maybe at this point she may have been four or five where they were taking her from the hospital. She was crying because all my nurses, they knew we were at this point. We were very connected with her. We were all saying how much they loved her. And she had tears running down her face. She said, I love you. I'm so happy to go home. She didn't look at me at all. I mean, it was just a very emotional moment. And so she did go home. And sadly, this is the dynamic that was so powerful, was all our desires to keep people alive versus what's really appropriate for that child to keep them alive. And my husband, in particular, was very resistant to letting go of his daughter. And at the very end, the doctor in the hospital came up with a possible procedure, a similar chemo that might be useful. And the wife was saying, let's just keep her at home. And unfortunately, they did save her back to the hospital.

[07:33]

Within 12 hours, she just died. but he could appreciate that the father really had a strong desire to be with his daughter, and he really wanted to keep her alive. Some of these children, of course, as they get older, there's one more in particular who lived in his later teens, who was able to fight the disease for a long time, and you saw it coming to a deeper understanding of what really means to die. The smaller children, of course, It wasn't so apparent what death meant for them. And I've told a lot of people at jail and jail the other day, and I read, bless her heart, I used to listen to what my story is over there and blank. But just the courage that he showed in general, and the willingness to try something else. Oftentimes he told me it was not only for his own sake, but for his parents' sake to encourage that So it was an interesting kind of dance between the families in terms of how you care for somebody that you really love.

[08:44]

There was also a very sad moment in there, where there was a mother who was caring actually for two families, making minimal wage and very overwhelmed by all the demands that they made after. At one point, at the very end, she just didn't have the heart there to go into the hospital to leave with her son. So for five days, I was bored of this laying there, going, where's my mother? Where's my mother? And the heart went out to me, just how difficult it must be in the very end. And fortunately, the hospital staff were able to go to her home, she'd bring her in, so she was able to be there for the last few days. But again, you realize how difficult it was for her to be there. And I also had this deep appreciation that it wasn't that she didn't love her son, it was just overwhelming.

[09:51]

So that was a lesson for me that's been very useful to realize that so many levels we try to respond to situations. It may not be what's appropriate for that person or what's useful for that person, but oftentimes it's the best we're going to be able to do. Unfortunately, I have the gift of this wonderful sign of this great community here of numerous people signed up to help take care of me. I finally decided to die at home. And I know at this point, I seem to be staying around longer than the original diagnosis. So at some point, let's put the old hat up here. He wants to lose from that. So I've been blessed with this great caring community. And I counted the other day, over 25 people

[10:52]

who have an intimate relationship with, who I really love and can speak to from my heart, and that feel very connected with what a gift that is. And then all the people I have this, even though I may know a variety of people at different levels, I think when we take this practice on, we all have this willingness to engage not only ourselves, but each other in a real practice of being present with each other. That's very inspiring and very supportive. I think in a field for all those people that die alone, that don't you have somebody being present, how difficult it must be. Because with cancer, with any disease, with any moments of terror, anxiety, that people want to have somebody there to help them work through. So it's a great joy. people call it here to be present.

[12:02]

What it's also brought home to me is that what Tsitsinghi Boshi talks about in terms of having a general house being in our minds, that it's important to let go of all garbage that they accumulated in our minds over the years, just to wet all of that bill. As he said, you can take it all out and maybe bring some pieces of it back into your mind, but most of you discover you really don't need to have it hanging around, hanging around the side of your head. There are lots of assumptions I've been discovering. You know, some of them have to do around the whole nature of the disease itself, cancer. But I wish, you know, I might look somewhat bright, but I wish somebody had told me there'll come a time when you won't really be able to taste food. I know people said that at some point we won't be able to take it by long, but I'm a little slow at haptake.

[13:05]

So I think we might make that leap of understanding to realize, oh, that also means I won't be able to enjoy all these other Great taste. So I'm really thankful that the last thing I was able to drink is a nice, big, cool glass of Obletyne. So, chocolate to be honest. It's also interesting to see the way people respond to one as you go through this process. There's a whole variety of responses people give to you. Some may feel appropriate, and some just feel really quite off the wall. And yet, you just accept whatever they're giving you, basically. As we do, Susie de Rocha said, thank you very much for practice. Thank them for the great offering and what they were able to do for you at that point. And again, it may not be what you looked for that particular time, but it's their offering to you.

[14:10]

And then there are people, of course, that are really very few, fortunately, that are very intrusive. But each one of those people you work with as it seems appropriate. And again, acknowledging their gift in no particular way. One of the things I've deeply appreciated over the years, both here any practice place, or at least any thoughts that we do, where we really, you people get oftentimes you initially meet when we're all thrown together in a practice period that you find it difficult to connect with. You find them disagreeable, mean-spirited or whatever. As you hear their talk and hear their story about their life, you feel a great sense of compassion for them because you realize they've been through an enormous amount of things. And it's very helpful to hear that story that feel that kind of compassion.

[15:14]

And then you have a greater understanding of where they're coming from. And you realize we all have those stories. More and more, I feel that all of us come from, in one form or another, dysfunctional families. And there are an amazing number of our families that come out of alcoholism and drug addiction requirements at one point. So it's incredible the sort of backgrounds that Bill emerged on. It's interesting in terms of people's expectations of me oftentimes, how the kind of response that they're expecting out of me. I know some people have felt like this class that we talked was about me showing I wasn't afraid of dying. And I don't, I want to disclaim that. It was never my intention. We all have some anxiety and fear about death.

[16:16]

It's the great unknown. But do I live in fear of it? No. But I do trust that the universe embraces us. So I don't live there with a kind of fear about that form of death. The actual dying process itself. Yeah, I have some fears about that and the pain. But fortunately, I've been able to control the pain again. a great passion for all those people who didn't have sleep and currently may not have access to pain beds because they do help someone honestly. There's also the effects of drugs, different drugs that you take along the way. It can actually be mood-altered culture. It can alterate We're looking forward here. All right, thank you.

[17:17]

Mind alternate. I shouldn't have this one. Mind alternate. It can really change your whole perception of the world oftentimes, like what you've been taking. And that could be both good and bad. You can see the downside oftentimes of having taken something. It made me actually feel more nervous than less. But it's interesting. I had a good talk the other day with Ernest Brown, and we're talking about cultural assumptions, too. Here we've been talking about assumptions in terms of working with families and things as such, but that all these cultural assumptions in terms of how to feel sometimes that we really understand somebody's culture may not necessarily be so. In fact, usually it's not. There's usually an enormous gap between what we think we understand about another person's culture.

[18:17]

All we have to do is look to the Middle East right now and see the virus and the total lack of understanding that seems to be going on in terms of how people are interacting with each other, the kind of violence that that engenders creates. So those of us who have lost Then here we're all studying Zen and Buddhism, which all of course comes out of Asia. So we all at one level have a kind of understanding of Asian culture at some really superficial level. But over the years, the 20 odd years of studying tea, I still had not quite mastered the art of it in Japanese culture. Those of you were able to go to the event at my home where people came and celebrated my life or whatever. All of the Japanese ladies that came sent me a little card thanking me for a lot of them to come to be there.

[19:24]

And recently we had a lovely tea event at Mr. Rumi's home where they gave a little tea for me and that was very sweet. There is a paradox of use, just in particular by sensei and just bringing it up, for much to enjoy being able to open house to me. So it's a very generous and kind way of giving. But it also brings home that how little I really understand that culture. Again, unless you're really totally immersed in it, it's hard to know. And this applies at all levels, even in this neighborhood, to think that we have some deep understanding of what it's like to be an African-American here or an Asian-American. We might have some glimpse of it, but the difficulties of really understanding what's involved in that cultural differentiation could be enormous.

[20:29]

So there's that whole danger about thinking you understand something and then the truth is really not. This list of assumptions that we make is really quite relentless. And again, in the whole concept of our practice, this whole ball of wax, this whole life that we were born into where we were given a particular language, given opening to a particular culture, to a family, to the sense of self. I have a wonderful picture I rediscovered of me on the 4th of July riding my horse on the 4th of July break carrying the American flag. I listened to the other day and said, well, were you really patriotic? Or were you just carrying a flag? And it's interesting, if you've been watching the World Cup, you realize that this is incredibly intense involvement for many people in sports events.

[21:39]

That this need to identify with something in life is really very strong. And, of course, it leads to all sorts of difficulties, too, in terms of suddenly having an us and them kind of assumption. So I remember my first experience of being exchanged in Peru, South America, 16, and discovering a whole new world, a whole new language that I barely knew. And what a gap that was, what a learning curve. to think that I would understand that. But progressively, one does begin to get an insight into it. I remember after, I think it was two or three months, I was walking down the street in Lima, I suddenly had this feeling like, well, I'd love this. But it took me that long to kind of get around some of my glasses about what should be

[22:48]

But within that, we have our own sense of justice, that this is good, this is bad, this is right, this is wrong. So I've been listing all these assumptions that we have in terms of how we expect that we built up over these years, how we expect life to be. And David Haring had this quote that said that there's a certain consistency and constancy of action that allows us to make certain predictions. But that's all he's talking about, that there's a certain consistency and constancy. But he's not saying it's always true. Everything, as we know, is constant flux, constant change. One thing moves, it's been asked, and you're not asked. So how do we pull all this together in terms of something that's understandable that we can relate to?

[23:57]

And for us, the answer is shippantaza, just sitting, just totally sitting and dealing with pain and with our practice, that it's a shippantaza that was just probably being present. And in that moment of being present, All our thoughts, all our assumptions arise for us. And if we're really sitting, those thoughts arise and we let them go. All these habitual thoughts about who we are, who we think we should be. This program that Martha DeBarrows and I and others have been part of that St. Bruno Jail resolved to stop the violence. It's basically allowing inmates to get an insight into the dynamic of who they are as people. And it's the first time many of these people have an opportunity to start really deeply looking into their lives. In this dropping away of all our assumptions, all these previous conceptions of who we think we are, this dropping away of body and mind, we can just begin to see things as they are with all these preconditions.

[25:18]

We can just totally begin to be fully present. And then we can start to truly listen deeply to what people are telling us, rather than writing a story in our head when they're talking to us about what we think they're saying. We're really listening to what they're saying. This is speaking to your heart. Are they being fully present? Are you being fully present? Are you meeting each other in some significant, powerful way? If we're really successful, we allow ourselves to be wonderful mirrors of that person. They can really truly begin to look at themselves. That Martha DeBarrow is an enormous settler in the second title of it. Because you can trust me for it.

[26:21]

Your guy in English is a great mirror or something. It's being there quietly. In their quiet ways. I said to Martha, I said, what is it about you that would give them this name? What is it that you express so beautifully that people respond to it? Why do you ease that as your darling? And she said, being a good mirror. And I thought that was actually perfect. Just a little bit more. I had no idea where I was in my room, watched it, lost it in the pool, was it behind my group? It's truly good if you interact with that, because there's lots of opportunity for people to save you. By doing this practice, though, we can see through all of our likes and dislikes of trying to control our world.

[27:24]

rather than just seeing things as they are. And this comes home for me in particular about control. One of the joys of having a longtime companion that's been very supportive for 24 years and so many wonderful people being present is that I feel incredibly supported. And when you feel supported you don't feel the many ways that you have to control you let go of this need to control so much and all of the confusion that we have in our lives all the things that don't seem to make sense can actually come together as dogan refers to is the right rule that our lives truly There's no aspect of our life that isn't fully in nature that isn't part of who we are.

[28:27]

So what I'd like to close with is actually a poem for real time. And two of my favorite poems are . And both of them are incredibly simple lives. And this is always an inspiration. I think if there's a next time out, I remind myself, just go for that simple, simple life. He says, if there is beauty, there must be other yes. If there is right, there must be wrong. Wisdom and ignorance are complimentary. And illusion and enlightenment cannot be separated. This is an old truth. Don't think it is discovered recently. I want this. I want that. It's nothing but foolishness. I'll tell you a secret. all things that are common.

[29:30]

So basically what I wanted to say today, so what I'd like from all of you are any thoughts or feelings around this whole issue of death and dying, but actually of coming to church with life. Now, I talked about all the caring caregivers here, and somebody has to step up otherwise. Thank you. I want to say thank you. One question I was going to ask you was, are you enjoying your death? on that he does how to enjoy our lives. And you've answered my question, that you're enjoying some parts of it, and you learn to break other parts of it.

[30:39]

And so that's true for our lives. We can do our best to enjoy the parts that are enjoyable, and we don't get to enjoy all of it. So thank you for answering me. Yeah, that is absolutely true. I had a dream years ago of my had a beautiful aunt, and you remember Ted Knight, he used to play when I started a horror show, kind of a goofball and very, and this dream, he was giving my aunt, when the dream was dying of cancer, and she was being brought in on a scooter, and he was talking about how beautiful this woman was, and willing to experience the dying, and at one point she just throws away her, she says, it's not beautiful, it's horrible, it's just terrible. In fact, she did a few years later die of lung cancer, and she wasn't a smoker. But I had a boyfriend one time who was a nurse, and he told one time of coming into a room that smelled so badly.

[31:47]

There was a husband of any young boy who died, and he just kind of had a child. And every time he went in, he thought, what's her? I know, but he came out. how brave he was to go in and be with her, be fully present with her in such a difficult moment. How inspiring that was. So it's, as Suzuki Roshi said at one point, when somebody was giving him a massage, he said, I feel like I'm being tortured. And I don't think he took a lot of pain in his feeling. Because he wanted to keep his mind alert, and unfortunately lucky to have methadone that's come down where it does take care of the pain, but one does remain somewhat alert. At least I think I'm somewhat alert in my sleep. Somebody told me about it.

[32:52]

I told Machina one time, fell asleep in the middle of this talk. That could happen. Please. What's the first thing? Oh, I do a quick body scan. Were there any accidents during the night? How do I feel? I get up probably every two, always to take pain medicine, also do a dash or whatever, or also just the eights of whatever position I've been in and I have to get in just that. Yeah. And the kind thing is, many people have been doing it. It's coming over and doing something with me. It's a great look. And that's a very supportive also. Is there something different? Something different? Yes. No, that's the joy or joy. Except, you know, there is a difference in the sense that I can more easily let those go.

[33:56]

That when they arise, they have the best appeal for me. Am I going on this date this weekend? I'm not going to have to do it, you know. I don't understand the pastor just to buy a wheelchair. So I'm not trapped in a lot of cases. That's it. And so when you say there's not even when you really go, how do you do that? That's the leg in the middle. Well, that's our practice, and this is something we've all learned over the years of how to let our thoughts go. How was it? It's easier. Pardon? You see, now it's easier. Yes, in some ways it is much easier. You know, Siddiqui Boshi mentioned that when you yourself are dying of a disease or you have a child, somebody you love is dying of a disease,

[35:01]

nothing that you're doing is really going to take care of your anxiety around that. You can walk back and forth, up and down. You can think about it, you can stress, you can drink alcohol or whatever, but nothing's going to address those feelings as much as just sitting zazen. So it's difficult to do, and in the sense of there are times I have to just remember to deny myself to sit, just to It's just our own vision that

[36:03]

organized somehow. So it's more difficult for us to . So you think . Well, that famous quote about sit is all your heads on fire. And that's the real, that's the real . But also says that over the year, oftentimes, and I've seen this in the jail, oftentimes too, people that can sit very easily. Oftentimes, they don't have a deep appreciation of what sitting means. I've seen young kids being able to go into full wellness and just actually 10 minutes get up and why don't you do something else. Of course, that that means to appreciate the full effect of what it is to sit.

[37:05]

So it's, how long have you been sitting? Three months. Three months, yeah. Well, I encourage you with your, he's on Dorsey, Hartford Street, and people would ask him sometimes, they said, well, sit five more years. You don't have to wait five years. You can do it immediately. It's not something that's, you'd have to sit there, hoping that some moment, this will all come together for you. It can happen right at this moment. It can be fully present right at this moment. Please, what's it? So I was so sure about what you said about our ability to have their abstinence hope show will become serious. That's surely not only with people with their ethnic background in different countries, but even in the same country, the same type of people in the same terms.

[38:10]

And I think being a bit more ready to go on, for sure, I've never been identified by not being someone else or something. But I wanted to succeed as a whole way to how I'm getting into that dialogue, besides being able to listen up, how I'm engaging with them. that means it's more understanding. Could you add any differences that isn't declared? Well, one of the things that you were saying, it's hard for us to even understand what people are coming from 1.5 because their culture is different than ours, even though we expect to do something or we accept to understand how people are coming from. Maybe if we could speak to that to claim that they are understanding of culture. Well, it's interesting, you know, having lived with somebody, Melissa and I will share a connection with Columbia, her father's from Columbia, and I've lived in Columbia for 24 years.

[39:23]

So you get a real insight into that particular culture. And it's always amazing. For example, there are some wonderful qualities of the warm-heartedness, meeting somebody with this kind of engagement that's very sweet, and with the Latin culture oftentimes. But interestingly, you've been on my way over here today, the Larry Lewis was talking about actual chemical differences in women in terms of addiction, that at different periods, and I'd like that the actual that make them more vulnerable to certain kinds of addiction or to good time. So it is that the kinds of variables that just limitlessly change how that can happen. I don't know if that speaks to it. Okay. How do we learn, how do we,

[40:28]

I appreciate this life of that one day, I mean, what is this kind of revelation that people who have kind of gotten pretty like that, you know, sometimes they personal life, but then what they've done was life treatments, except for the heart and so near the athlete I've had, she felt differently about life. And so I would like to ask you, you know, Well, some of us have been, I know I can identify, some people that have had extensive experience in lecture in particular. I myself, probably should have died of AIDS. 10 years ago, so I'm very lucky to have lived this long to be here.

[41:29]

So I feel a little gift on that. But this is always hanging over us, look at 10 lights a day, this time of a heart attack. So all of us had that there, and we choose to ignore it most of the time that our wives began break with. And I must confess to what kind of ended when I heard that he died of a heart attack today or something like that. It's not a bad way to go, but the great benefit of at least getting a little heads up is being able to take care of a lot of business-y kinds of things and to tell people I love them and care for them and want to make expressions of caring to them. So that's a real good job. I think that's probably Having a good time, so you can all go home and have a good nap. There's nothing more glorious than what we napped.

[42:35]

We're all reminded that we're little kids in kindergarten, first grade, when you get to pull up your own nap. And we all got to do that today. So thank you very much.

[42:51]

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