The past is demonstrating heaven. Our love is readily met with even 100,000,000,000 kalpas. I'll begin to see and listen to. Do remember and accept. I bow to taste the truth and love to talk to the spirits. Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming to this talk tonight. Whether you're here in the Buddha Hall or in your own homes, I want to also thank Nancy Petrin, our former head of practice, or Tanto, for inviting me to give this talk, and our current Tanto, Anna Thorne, for supporting this talk, and all of you, as I said, and also my teacher, Agent Linda Cutts.

[02:54]

The topic of my talk tonight is on mending. And as Abbot David mentioned in his talk on Saturday, We're celebrating Pride this month in San Francisco. We're flying rainbow flags in front of 300 Page Street, and we'll be marching in the Pride Parade again this year after several years of not, there was no parade last year or the year before. And the theme of this year's parade is love will keep us together. So I have been thinking about what that means. How can love or how does love keep us together in our relationships or in our communities or in the wider world? And I want to focus in this talk on times when, despite the presence of love, we need to be able to

[04:10]

to acknowledge and turn toward disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflicts. And I'll explore the experience of mending within our own hearts and minds, and mending our relationships, our communities, and the wider world. And I'll suggest some tools that we can use. So mending is a task I sometimes put off, and I'm thinking about mending items of clothing that get torn need patches. And one morning last week before work, I was sitting on my bed mending my sitting robe. A tie had come off. And I was thinking about how soothing it was to have such a simple, concrete task to do.

[05:16]

And I knew it would make my life easier to have all of the ties on my robe. And as I was mending my robe, the idea for this talk came to me because I had had an experience just a few days before. It was a couple of weeks ago. When I was feeling a lot of grief, I had learned that Tassajara would be closing for this summer. And I was sad not just for myself, because I had been looking forward to spending time at Tassajara this summer, but also for all the others who wouldn't be able to go. And I called a good friend. I'll call her Sarah, thinking she would be able to listen and empathize with me. But instead, she listened for a bit and then was coming up with advice, solutions, things that might make the situation better.

[06:29]

And I could feel myself shutting down. A few days later, We had lunch together and I got up the courage to say that I didn't feel met in that conversation. And she listened very carefully and reflected on her response and said she realized that she herself was grieving a recent loss and she couldn't listen to my grief because she didn't want to feel her own. And she said she was sorry she hadn't been able to be present for me. And I greatly appreciated her ability to recognize and talk about what had been going on for her. And then later she sent me an email asking, are we mended? And the word mended seemed exactly right. And I responded, yes, we're mended.

[07:30]

So what does it mean to mend? There are several definitions. I find a dictionary can be helpful in exploring a question like that. And one of the definitions is to put into good shape or working order again, to repair or patch up. And that was an aspect of what happened. Another definition is to improve or strengthen. It could be a relationship by negotiation or conciliation. And that definitely, it wasn't negotiation, but it was really through listening and speaking our truths. And another definition is to make amends or atonement for. And I think that's where an apology can be very helpful. Just simply, I'm sorry.

[08:32]

Some synonyms for mend are repair. fix, patch, cure. Each has its own nuances. And I thought of the way, there's a Japanese way of mending broken tea bowls with gold called kintsuge. Some of you might be familiar with it. The broken bowl becomes more valuable than the original bowl. And there's a beautiful poem by Hannah Block, who's a contemporary Bay Area poet. She died a few years ago, which talks about this process of mending. It's called the joins. So another word for mending can be rejoining. What's between us seems flexible as the webbing between forefinger and thumb seems flexible, but isn't.

[09:36]

What's between us is made of clay like any cup on the shelf. It shatters easily. Repair becomes the task. We glue the wounded edges with tentative fingers. Scar tissue is visible history and the cup is precious to us because we saved it. In the art of Kintsugi, A potter repairing a broken cup would sprinkle the rosin with powdered gold. Sometimes the joins are so exquisite, they say the potter may have broken the cup just so they could mend it. So I especially like the lines, scar tissue is visible history, and the cup is precious to us because we saved it. So mending a relationship or a broken tea bowl can strengthen it.

[10:41]

And I find when I don't try to mend a relationship, when there's been a painful interaction, when I avoid something that might be unpleasant or difficult, I run the risk of then distancing myself from that person. And. And then it may be harder to mend the relationship. And I feel it's especially important living in a community as we do at city center or in a family or with friends to learn to address conflict rather than walk away from it. Even though there's a saying, time heals all wounds. I know sometimes taking time out can lessen the intensity of hurt or anger, but time itself, in my experience, doesn't heal all wounds.

[11:44]

More is needed. So I'll just ask you to reflect as you're listening. In what ways do you resonate with the need for mending in your own life with friends, family, or colleagues at work? And there was a time recently when, actually this was some months ago, another resident, I'm going to call him Sam, he and I got into an argument and it was escalating and there were several people standing near us and I could feel my anger growing. I couldn't really take in what Sam was saying. And finally he said, He had to remove himself in order to avoid further harm. And we both walked away. And I appreciated his wisdom in knowing that was what was needed at that moment.

[12:49]

And later we exchanged emails. We both wanted to talk about what happened. But Sam said he would feel safer if we asked a third person to meet with us. So we agreed to ask Nancy, who was then the tanto, and set up a meeting a few days later. And with Nancy's support, we were each able to reflect on what we had contributed to that argument, where we had misunderstood one another. I think there was a basic goodwill between us. We wanted to kind of clear the air and get on a better footing with one another. And the end of the time with Nancy, we had a plan that we would each reflect on what we had learned from the conversation and meet again a week later. And we thought at that point we could do it without Nancy. And we did meet and we had both learned a lot from that experience and it really did mend our relationship.

[13:57]

So, For those of you who are either new to San Francisco Zen Center or don't live in community here, we have guidelines for communicating in conflict that are very helpful, starting with the conflict where it just requires a conversation, a difficult, maybe a difficult conversation, but a conversation between two people who are involved. And then if that... either isn't successful or doesn't feel safe enough to one or both people to invite a third person to be part of that conversation. And I think there are guidelines also for how to have a difficult conversation. So this is a skill that can be learned. When I grew up in a family where we avoided conflict until something happened and then usually my father would get really angry, but it didn't resolve things.

[15:06]

And I learned to avoid conflict. And it's really been a slow process of education, self-education and taking, you know, we had classes in the past at Zen Center on education. difficult conversations and developing mediation skills and all of that has been really helpful. So I also find the precepts around speech can be very helpful when dealing with conflict or difficult conversations. And I'm thinking in particular of two of the precepts around speech. The one which we call it not slandering, but there's an affirmative way to put it. Diane Rossetto, who has written a book about the precepts, calls it speaking of others with openness.

[16:09]

And that involves looking at how we might be judging other people and looking at our own motivation when we speak. especially when we criticize someone who isn't in the room. I think slandering might not be the best word, but gossiping is another word for that. But being able to speak of others with openness and curiosity and actually meet them with curiosity that precept. And then the next one, the seventh precept, not praising self at the expense of others, but again, Diane Rosetto's wording, meeting others on equal ground. So really appreciating our common humanity and again, noticing our judgments and

[17:24]

being open to finding out who the other person is and what they think. And then being able to see our own contributions to a conflict and learning to apologize can make all the difference. So... Moving from the interpersonal, I'm just getting out my watch so I know where I am roughly with this talk. Okay, so moving from the interpersonal in this Pride Month, I'm aware of how much still needs mending in our communities, our city, country, and our world. There are so many divisions. How can love keep us together?

[18:26]

And yet mending in communities can be transformative. I want to appreciate the work of Larry Yang, who is a Dharma teacher, social worker, co-founder of the East Bay Meditation Center in Oakland. He wrote a book called Awakening Together that's been very helpful to many of us at San Francisco Zen Center. Because of Larry's own experience of not feeling included or that he belonged as a gay Asian American in the predominantly white heterosexual Dharma groups he went to, he worked to create a more inclusive sangha at Spirit Rock. where he was one of the guiding teachers. And also to ensure that more BIPOC and LGBTQIA practitioners could become teachers in that insight community.

[19:33]

I think the last teacher training had 80% of the teachers in training were either BIPOC or LGBTQIA. So his work is really changing. those communities. And in his book, Larry talks about how when there's a conflict in a group or an organization, particularly around issues of inclusion, it's important to, he uses the phrase break together rather than breaking apart. And where a community is most vulnerable or tender even injured, is where that community might need the most attention and care. And he asks, how can we watch each other's backs together through the injuries of life? And he says, in the unconsciousness of our larger culture, when differences become strong, the predominant condition pattern is to fragment and scatter.

[20:46]

into our respective corners, spaces of comfort, familiarity, and safety, quickly polarizing into adversarial stances. This dynamic is ultimately the one through which all wars are begun. And, you know, we can see that happening in our world together and our world today in many places. And we can see it in the U.S. in sharp disagreements around many issues that affect the daily lives of all of us. But, you know, I'm thinking particularly of those of us who identify as queer, knowing that there are states in the U.S. in which elementary school children cannot be taught about sexual orientation, states in which

[21:47]

parents of transgender or gender fluid children can be accused of child abuse if they support their children's questioning and search. And I feel fortunate to live in California where these things are much less likely to happen or they're certainly not put into our laws. but it's not like that everywhere in this country. So coming back to Larry Yang, he asks, how do we stay in the room in relationship with each other, regardless of what arises rather than split apart? What would it be like, even amid all the complexity, even in the face of injuries, even in the face of harm, to break together rather than break apart.

[22:52]

And sometimes this requires community processes or ways of creating the ability to listen deeply to one another. A process like the council where everyone has a chance to speak and also to listen deeply to what others are feeling and thinking. Sometimes a ceremony or ritual or a memorial service can help heal a situation where there's a deep wound, a societal wound. And what came to mind As an example was something that happened last year on the 49th day after the killing of eight people in Atlanta, Georgia.

[23:54]

Six of them were Asian women. And several people got together and created an amazing Buddhist memorial service in Los Angeles. It was called May We Gather, and it was held at a Buddhist temple. It was organized by three Asian-American Buddhists, Duncan Williams, Chen Xing Han, and Fumi Su. And their message was, when someone is hurting, we come together as a community. We gather because our lives are inexorably interlinked. We do not suffer alone, nor do we heal alone. Only when we gather as a sangha can we truly support each other's freedom. And one of those three, Duncan Williams, said, the notion of repair has to do with acknowledgement.

[24:59]

We can't become free if we do not acknowledge who we are in all of our hurt, in all of our imperfections, in all of our fractures. And on the altar... they created for that ceremony. There was a broken bowl that had been mended in the Kintsugi Manor. So returning to the theme of this year's Pride Parade, love will keep us together. I think of mending as a form of love. And I think mending will keep us together. So thank you for your kind attention. And I think we do the closing chant and then have time for questions. Is that right? Wednesday night, we just take questions and then close. OK, thank you, Brian. So welcome any comments or questions, any way in which this talk may have resonated with your own experience.

[26:11]

wondering if any of you have either resonated with the idea of mending something happening in your own life. Or yes, there's a mark. for your talk and the subject. My mom was a Trump supporter, and I just couldn't understand that. And she became ill and, died shortly after the January 6th revelations came out.

[27:45]

And somehow I keep arguing with her in my mind still. I'll hear stuff and I'll have a banter back and forth with her. And I don't know why I can't let that go. Is it uncomfortable, painful to have that banter going on? Yeah, it's almost like I want to say, see, you know, why did you support him? It's that kind of, I don't know. Why do you think she supported him? She's, well, she was always a lifelong Republican. And she didn't. You know, Hitler came to power with TV. And people didn't understand the power of TV.

[28:47]

And in a similar way, I think older people don't understand the Internet and how all this information works. And she was taken in by McCloskey, too. Or not McCloskey, McCarthy. And he came from, you know, Trump used the same sort of... So it's a repetition of that that she didn't get over. But I think, you know, she was old. She didn't understand the internet. She was behind the times. And this was her tribe, the Republican Party. She didn't like him at first. But then there was Priti, Ivanya, Trump, and, oh, I think I like this family. But it's not that she was... It's that I can't let it go. Well, I'm wondering, as you talk about all the causes and conditions, why your mother supported Trump, you know, you sound like you have some understanding of what led her to do that and have those views.

[30:00]

And I'm wondering if perhaps that can help soften some of the... in her arguing that's going on with her because it's too late. She's not going to change her mind. No, she will not. She'll step out of her mind. Okay, Tova, thank you. Thank you for that question. It's interesting how we can have these ongoing dialogues that are unresolved with people in our lives even after they're gone. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. anyone else have a comment, question. We have Peter Holden in the Zoom room. Hi, Peter. Good evening, Tova. Thank you so much for your talk.

[31:01]

I was really impressed with what you said about ceremony and the power that that has for healing and I say that because I am someone that's very dismissive of ceremony and kind of ritual in general you know oh it's just a bunch of you know whatever and I remember a couple years ago um Reb had mentioned something about ceremony and I had replied oh you know it's a bunch of hocus pocus or whatever, and kind of not feeling all that great about what I had said, but it was an expression of how I felt. And, you know, I think theatrics in themselves, maybe they are just chafe on the waters, but the ceremony could be used for healing is really something that

[32:09]

I would like to investigate and think more about it. I know when my cat passed away last year, I did a series of ceremonies for her passing. And, you know, I don't think it did any harm. I'm not sure if it did any good, but it was one of the, it's really, it helped me with my grief. I don't know if it lessened it or increased it, but there does seem to be power there. So thank you again for mentioning that. And as far as being an aid to healing and recovery. Thank you, Peter. Yeah, I think what you said about how the ceremony for your cat helped you. I think often memorial ceremonies are for the people who are left, you know, and it does help. It helps tremendously. And I'm recalling, you know, when the person I called Sam and I met with Nancy, we started by bowing to the altar and bowing to each other so that we created a little ceremony there, right?

[33:25]

It doesn't take a lot to create a ceremony, but just to acknowledge that we were in a kind of sacred space, it was helpful. Yeah. And I do think ceremonies can help greatly with grief. I think that ceremony in L.A. did that on a societal level, but it can happen on a personal level. I think whenever we have a memorial service here and people go up to the altar afterwards and offer incense, even if they didn't know the person who died, it's really supportive for the person who's... loved one was lost. So, yeah, thank you for reflecting back that the healing power of ceremony. Thanks. We have Amy in the Zoom room.

[34:26]

Hello, Amy. Thank you so much for your wise words. When I was at city center last i did have a situation where i had hurt feelings that needed to be mended and i had a question about what it meant to trust to take refuge in the sangha and even just having a question about the goodness of intention of our sangha gave me a little freedom, a little space to have an energy of a different quality to see the situation from. And that's such a rare experience in my life, but there seems to be something almost magical about

[35:31]

the quality of energy that can come with the help of the Sangha. If you could say something about how that is so miraculous. I'm really glad you had that experience, Amy. And I think, I don't know if it's miraculous I mean, it's maybe rare, but maybe it is miraculous because sometimes you can't explain it. But I think when there are many ways, I think we develop trust in one another, you know, in this community, I think of things like apologizing at work circle if we forget to ring the wake up bell. you know, a certain accountability.

[36:32]

I think that develops trust, you know, showing up when we are night watch or any, you know, just the way everybody does their part to make this community work and keep our building beautiful. And, you know, I don't think we always, towards conflict when it arises. I think we have more work to do in that area, but I think there's a lot of care and love in this community and I'm glad you could feel it while you were here and hopefully took some of it with you. Thank you so much. You're welcome. okay maybe it's time for bed right okay thank you thank you all very much chant now

[37:57]

It's surpassable.

[38:42]

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