This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. Is the sound okay? Can you hear me okay? Yeah, okay. Perhaps Miles, who's in the other room, can let me know if my... voice drops as it tends to do. So, good morning. Welcome, everyone. My name is Nancy Petrin. My pronouns are she, her. I am speaking with you from the unceded land of the Ramatush Ohlone here at San Francisco Zen Center. I am the Tonto or head of practice at San Francisco Zen Center City Center.

[01:02]

I'm a lay practitioner. I am a mother. And I've also worked as a birth and postpartum doula, assisting and supporting couples in birth and postpartum for many years. So today at City Center, we'll be celebrating Buddha's birthday. will be celebrating in the courtyard immediately following this talk. And while that's wonderful news, it also means that, unfortunately, we're not going to be having Q&A, which is very disappointing for me, but it will be a beautiful ceremony. So please stay and do celebrate with us this very joyous occasion immediately after the talk. So I've been a part of this celebration of Buddha's birthday for many, many years. At Green Gulch Farm, where I was a resident, there was a pageant every year on the front lawn.

[02:10]

Perhaps many of you attended. For weeks, there would be preparation and these amazing paper mache masks. a script, a pageant written by Norman Fisher and hundreds of people would come and picnic and we'd frolic on the front lawn and there would be parasols with streamers and flowers and we would bathe the baby Buddha as will happen today in the courtyard. And David Zimmerman, our abbot will lead us in that. And the youngest member, the youngest resident of our sangha, Noah who was born in January will also be at the ceremony, helping to bathe the baby Buddha and perhaps his chaperones will be helping with that. So it's this joy, this amazing image of flowers falling from the sky and all beings delighting as they came to mind for me every time

[03:18]

I had the honor of being with a baby entering this world and welcoming that baby and saying, thank you for coming. All beings are delighting. Flowers are falling from the sky. And this would be so alive for me, mostly in hospital rooms where predominantly is where I was with parents. So, you know, there's so much joy. There's so much joy. in this ceremony, in this reenactment, you know. But as I prepared for the Dharma talk today, actually, what was coming up for me was anger. And, you know, I got to process this a little bit with my partner and really kind of just really vent, really kind of like let it all out just so much anger and so much grief.

[04:21]

And as I took a look at this, it was like, what is this? What is at the core of this? And what was at the core of it for me was was Buddha's mother, Maya. So the story as it's been handed down goes something like this. About 10 months after her dream,

[05:23]

of a white elephant and the sign that she would give birth to a great leader. Queen Maya was expecting her child. One day she went to the king and said, my dear, I have to go back to my parents. My baby is almost due. Since it was the custom in India for a wife to have her baby in her father's house, the king agreed saying, Very well, I will make the necessary arrangements for you to go. The king then sent soldiers ahead to clear the road and prepared others to guard the queen as she was carried in a decorated palanqui. The queen left Kapalavasu in a long procession of soldiers and retainers headed for the capital of her father's kingdom. On the way to the Kolya country, which was where Maya was from, The great procession passed a garden called Lumbini Park. The garden was near the kingdom called Nepal at the foot of the Himalaya mountains.

[06:29]

The beautiful park with its solid trees and scented flowers and busy birds and bees attracted the queen. Since the park was a good resting place, the queen ordered the bearers to stop for a while. As she rested underneath one of the solid trees, her birth began and a baby boy, was born. It was an auspicious day. The birth took place on a full moon in the year 623, before the Common Era. According to the legends of this birth, the baby began to walk seven steps forward, and at each step, a lotus flower appeared on the ground. Then, on the seventh stride, he stopped With a noble voice, he shouted, I alone am the world honored one. After the birth of her baby son, Queen Maya immediately returned to Kapalavasu.

[07:32]

When the king learned of this, he was very happy and the news of the birth of the long awaited heir spread around the kingdom. There was rejoicing all over the country. Now, I don't know how many births you have attended, but I can guarantee you that the baby Buddha, oh, it's missing. The part of the story of the baby's birth that says that the baby was born from her side without pain. that part is missing. Perhaps I erased it because it's the part that makes me most crazy. Every time I see a birth in a movie, every time I feel that birth is not fully, fully represented, it brings up so much anger for me.

[08:40]

So what I have come to know is how absolutely amazing birth and what follows birth and postpartum is, to be odd in the presence of birth, its rhythms and its flows, its unpredictability, the way a mother just starts moving, supported in her labor, how separate we are from this essence of human life. So it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that every mother and partner that I have been with at a birth has said to me, I have no idea. Why didn't someone tell me? So the vast majority of us do not grow up around birth and therefore it's not a part

[09:44]

of our visceral experience. So I ask you, do you know your birth story? Have you asked your mother about your birth? What it was like for her? Perhaps like you, your mother is no longer around. Perhaps like me, your mother is no longer around and you cannot ask her this. So, With pregnancy and birth happening all around us, how is it so hidden? As I began to think of the story of the Buddha's birth and what I had to share, there was so much anger and there was so much grief. The anger from what I've experienced birth after birth, the lack of support, for birthing women and their partners, the daunting task of trying to teach a pregnant couple what they have embarked upon, and the frustration of the cutting off of this wisdom, this wisdom that has passed hand to hand, birth to birth, over millennia, the cutting off of this wisdom.

[11:09]

And that the understanding, our understanding, our awe of the human body, the transformation that the female body goes through, that a female body went through for each of us to be here. So much cut off. And for me, so much anger and so much grief at what's been lost. So staying with the anger and feeling this intensity, through practice, I've been trained to go deeper, to question, to be curious. What has been lost? What wants to be integrated? What has been erased? And I find with anger and grief that if I sit with this intensity, if I bring this in to my zazen, to my teacher, who has recently heard so much about breast milk, I cannot tell you, to my Dharma friends, questioning, turning this together, what is not seen, what is...

[12:39]

is indicating it is there through this anger, through this inability to be known, to be seen, this need for connection. So Maya, Buddha's mother, she died a week after the Buddha was born. In her book, A Bigger Sky, Pamela Weiss, Rights of Maya, and the universal feminine qualities we each carry within us. This is what Pam says about Maya. She is our, each of us, so feel into this, really, this is each of us. She is our inner royalty and elegance, the font of primal, creativity and life, the womb from which all life comes.

[13:46]

Like each of us, she is here and then gone. We honor the sun, but neglect the source. We revere the blazing light of illumination that sees and knows and reveals, but not the dark mystery. unfathomable and unbound. The awesome force of the female body, stronger and more powerful than bows and arrows, guns and bombs, feared, objectified, rejected. I appreciate Pam's work and the work of all of those who have gone back to the writings, back to the Pali Canon, back to the original writings to find these women, these women who've been erased over generations.

[14:52]

The original teachings weren't written down for hundreds of years. And when they were written down, they were written down by male scribes. So they're written in the male voice. And I can understand How this birth, how amazing, perhaps this scribe thought that babies were born out of women's sides. Perhaps this miracle of birth, perhaps this is how they depicted it. So I want to be careful. I want to bring forgiveness. I want to bring understanding and curiosity to this exploration. I've been imagining this anger and this grief as a call to wholeness. Strands of the past Dharma talks are alive for me.

[15:54]

And I'm seeing how they're weaving together the teaching last week that David brought forward, the encouragement to not go back to sleep. as we start to re-enter after the pandemic, as we become vaccinated and as we start re-entering. And perhaps some of you, this isn't yet even a reality because in your part of the world, that's not what's happening. But this invitation to please don't go back to sleep. What have we learned during this time? What wants to be woven in? Were you given access to something that felt so unjust, that brought up for you this anger, this frustration, perhaps the grief, the loss, the coming into contact of what the loss has been over many, many hundreds of years, thousands of years.

[17:01]

And then Paul's during a talk recently, talking about our stories and the opportunity to see what stories we've inherited from our families, from our societies, from our cultures, and the opportunity that we have to rewrite, to reimagine into these stories. In her New York Times article titled, Erasure, written in 2016, Parul Segal says, erasure refers to the practice of collective indifference that renders certain people and groups invisible. It alludes to the tendency of ideologies to dismiss inconvenient facts and is increasingly used to describe how inconvenient people are dismissed.

[18:08]

Their story, their history, their pain and achievements blotted out. She says, erasure is a blunt word for a blunt process. It goes beyond simplistic discussions of quotas to ask whose stories are taught and told. whose suffering is recognized, whose dead are mourned. So the erasure of childbirth in our culture, I wish they had told me. Perhaps we are not around birth, But each of us telling our stories, getting curious with our stories, maybe a beginning to bring us into more wholeness, a bigger ground of being for all of us to stand on.

[19:20]

So I want to honor Maya. I want to reimagine her birth from the experience that I've had attending so many births. I invite you into this with me. This is the birth that I want to re-imagine for Maya, for the Buddha. Maya, a strong Indian woman of the Kolya Klan. who was supported, surrounded by a loving circle of women in the lush gardens of Lumbini. The place where she said, this is where we stop. This is where I birth. Supported during the long hours, one contraction after another.

[20:28]

resting in between, being fed, nourishing tidbits, sips of cool water, connected to her body in labor, trusting, though completely unfamiliar with the power of the universe moving through her, guided by encouraging words, turning inward, going deep, moving in an unknown, ancient, primal, swaying, eyes met by the steadfast and fearless gaze of her sister, Mahapajapati, who knows exactly what her sister is experiencing, having just had a child a few months earlier herself, rising and falling, and a whole different energy engaged, powerful, supported by the branch of the tree pushing down, pushing through the fire of her baby being born.

[21:40]

Her baby placed on her chest. Her baby boy's first heartbeats being regulated by Maya's own heartbeat. Maya being guided by knowing hands, helping her give her child its first nourishment. This first milk is called colostrum. I don't know the Pali word for colostrum. This first perfect food for her baby's gut. So as much as I would like to talk about breast milk, human milk, I am going to hold back because there's no stopping me when we go there.

[22:51]

It's the most amazing, amazing food. It is perfect for the human child. It changes according to the child's need. A communication between the baby's saliva and the mother's nursing milk glands. Communication if the baby is sick, the mother's body responds and produces exactly what the baby needs. Fats and proteins. It's amazing and it's beautiful under a microscope. It's like this fountain. It's so alive. So I do not believe that the baby Buddha took seven steps and declared I alone in the world honored one. I believe that for the first year that baby Buddha was carried and nursed first by his mother and then by Pajapati, his aunt.

[23:58]

It is said that Pajapati nursed the baby Buddha. So I don't know if this is true. I have a hard time believing that royalty nursed their babies, but maybe they did. But perhaps there's a wet nurse who also has been erased and written out of this story. So I wanna include her too. This vast circle into which the Buddha was born. The Buddha was not born alone. First onto the earth, held by mother, held in circle. And this is how our transformations happen. We do not transform alone. So my mother was told in 1965 that her milk was not good enough. It was not good enough to nourish her babies. So none of us were nursed. We were given formula.

[25:00]

Perhaps you know if you were, if you weren't. Some people, Absolutely, for some women, they can't. And that is heartbreaking if they want to. And there's a full range of options. I just want to celebrate all of it today. So it was actually my father who connected me to the nurturing, to the nurturing lineage of midwives. He was born in a small town. in outside of Anaconda, Montana in 1932. And in that town, which was predominantly Croatian, there was a midwife who would go from home to home. I don't know her story, but this is what my father remembers. He remembers this midwife coming and living with them when his brother was born and going to other houses, to his cousin's houses, to his friend's houses. And she would cook amazing Croatian food.

[26:03]

She would nourish the family and start to take up the tasks of the home and the household. She would be there through the birth. She would guide. Other women would come and help. And then she would stay and she would help in the postpartum. So this transmission from midwife to midwife Ina May Gaskin talks about this in her book, Spiritual Midwifery. She talks about how in the Zen tradition, transmission happens mind to mind. But Ina May says in the midwifery tradition, it is through touch that the transmission happens. So I believe that in this erasure of childbirth, from our daily lives. How do we even know? We're not aware of what's been erased.

[27:05]

And that's why I wanted to bring this forward today. I feel as though all of us are cut off from seeing the true human potential of transformation. There is something in witnessing and being around birth as my father was. She delighted in telling me about the midwife. So I think that it limits all of our capacity that we've been cut off from birth in this way. I know that the retelling of this story is not going to fix the enormity of the erasure of women's experience, women's voices that have been written out of history. But I feel like it's where the cracks happen, that the light can come in, where a homogenous story or one that isn't told begins to take on facets, becomes more nuanced, becomes more inclusive.

[28:24]

So the largest story of birth includes every single story. It includes every one of our stories, every one of our mother's stories and going back in that maternal lineage. It includes the personal choices that have been made to not have a baby. The pressures from society in making that decision. we are seen, how we are valued. It includes this story of birth, the deep longing, and sometimes the devastating reality of not being able to bear children. That has its place in this story. The loss through miscarriage, the death of a child,

[29:27]

forced sterilization. To carry an unwanted pregnancy because the law says that's how it is. There are unseen personal stories which we carry deeply. Erased unknown. May they all be honored. So as part of this exploration this morning, I'm inviting in the feminine in each of us. In Pam Pierce's book, A Bigger Sky, she says, There's potential here for each of us in the weaving in, in the weaving in of the feminine and the masculine.

[30:49]

And when I say feminine and masculine, I'm talking about feminine and masculine energies that each of us carry. So weaving in the qualities of the mature feminine, listening, nurturing, tenderness, and compassion into the immature, insensitive, divide and conquer, ruthless, masculine in each of us. And the weaving of the mature masculine clarity rationality, strength, and decisiveness into the tentative, irrational, and overly accommodating feminine. This weaving, as we enter these Dharma gates, we can touch into all of these facets of the male and female.

[32:01]

So the entering of Dharma gates, this is how we become whole. This is how we acknowledge that this story is not one story. This is not a homogeneic story. And as I say that, what comes up for you, what has been left out? What wants to be seen? So in practice, We learn to relax with the contractions. In practice, we learn how to stay present in the midst of this discomfort. We're encouraged to let go into the unknown how important it is to have guidance to have someone with us as we enter very difficult Dharma gates, opportunities of deep study.

[33:12]

How when we step through that Dharma gate, it makes all the difference to have Dharma friends, to have teachers with us. Knowing we do not do this work alone. To be supported when we are scared, to learn to soften and open and allow to lean into the long lineage of those who've come before us. In this way, we all know birth. So what has been lost? What has been taken away? For us to ask this question, especially during these times, the grief of the wisdom and the richness that's been lost.

[34:17]

This is what led, partially, Chen Xin Han to write her book, Be the Refuge, Raising the Voices of Asian American Buddhists. Her quest began in search of other young Asian Buddhist practitioners. And she realized in this exploration that what she wanted to do was give them voice. She says her book, which is an incredibly rich tapestry of Buddhist journeys, and beliefs and race and culture, just so much richness there, is to create a refuge for ourselves and for each other through writing and telling our stories and perhaps even more significantly through our everyday thoughts and actions.

[35:29]

a call to wholeness, inclusivity in our sanghas. So what is wanting healing? And I've been so inspired during this time, during this past year to walk the path of practice with an Asian American friend of mine who at the beginning of the protests last year when George Floyd was killed. What came up for her was so much grief of how, when she was being raised, her Chinese parents, just all they wanted for her was to fit in. And what came up for her last year was just the grief of not being able to openly celebrate her Chinese culture. It was something at home, but not at school. or in her life. And it was something that wasn't seen, wasn't talked about, she didn't even know until she started tapping into this grief, this anger.

[36:42]

And her exploration this past year has just been so inspiring to me. Likewise, the painter, Amy Sherald, she is an African-American artist who painted Michelle Obama's portrait for the National Portrait Gallery. I was so struck hearing her story. For a long time, I felt the work her painting wasn't good enough. But then I started asking the right questions. If I hadn't been born in Columbus, Georgia, where I had to perform my identity based on how the lines were drawn down in the South, who would I be? If I wasn't so aware of my blackness because it had been placed against the stark white background of my private school, how would I see myself?

[37:47]

I was excited by American realism in the early 2000s and began thinking about how I hadn't seen any work about just black people. being Black, captured in moments that were nothing special. Painting Black bodies is political, even doing normal things. I imagine for so many, especially people of color, to take in Amy Sherald's paintings, her artwork, and to find there a resting place. Just Black people being normal, at the shore, sitting on their front stoop, doing nothing special. So creating refuge, creating resting places for each other, for our stories to come forward and grow.

[39:01]

this ground being on which we all stand. So in honoring Maya, Princess Maya today, by placing her at the center of the story of Buddha's birth, perhaps this is a step towards wholeness, acknowledging her at the center of this birth story that has been told over and over hundreds and hundreds of years not giving her that place. So wholeness. Wholeness is not a state or a goal or a goal. Perhaps it is an intention to enter each Dharma gate, moment after moment, to see what is wanting to be woven in.

[40:13]

I realize that I've opened more questions than I have anything else, I realized that this talk could be provocative, you know? So however it landed, however my words landed, you know, if you find yourself angry or frustrated or bored or, you know, whatever it is, like, can we be practiced with, can we be curious about just this? What is this? What is here? As I said earlier, we won't be having question and answer. So we can't engage in conversation. And I would love to hear everything that is alive in you, in each of you right now.

[41:17]

But we're going to go and celebrate the birth of the Buddha. We're going to celebrate Maya. We're going to celebrate with Noah and Noah's parents and with Abba David, with all beings. As flowers fall from the sky and all beings delight in the birth of each one of us in our awakened being. So this evening, I would love to continue this conversation with you at an event that is happening with Pam Pierce. Thank you, Cotto, just put it in the chat. Buddhism beyond patriarchy. And I think it goes on to say, no part left out, something like that. It just so happened, I didn't even realize that we were gonna be doing this on the same day until a few days ago.

[42:24]

So if you're interested in having this conversation, I'm going to be there tonight. I'm going to be joining Pam and Sabine Selassie, who wrote the book, You Belong, given to me by my friend KP. And that event is happening this evening, as well as Chen Xing Han, Be the Refuge, raising the voices of Asian Buddhists. She will be giving a Dharma talk in May with Dana Takagi. They will be giving a Dharma talk together. And there's also an event coming up. So look at the website. Our programs department, Siobhan, Heather, have been doing an amazing job of inviting so many teachers and engaging in these conversations that mostly happen on Saturday evenings. So please come.

[43:28]

would like to reach out to me personally. I would love to hear your feedback. I would love to be in conversation with you as we unearth these stories together and bring them into the light. So you can contact me through San Francisco Zen Center City Center. And may we continue to Create refuge for ourself as we do this work. And maybe honor what wants to be brought forward and center in our lives. Thank you everyone so much for your attention. I appreciate your practice and this path that we walk together.

[44:32]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[44:58]

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