This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everybody. Good morning. Both people here in this room, people who are in the hallway feel welcome to come in. Don't worry if you need to... Smush around to find a place. People who are at home or at somebody's Wi-Fi, welcome. Welcome, everybody. This is a special time. We're having a practice period right now where we're focusing on the heart of our practice. And senior Dharma teacher Yushin Paul Haller is the teacher for the practice period. And thanks for letting me. speak. And Tim, thanks for inviting me to speak.

[01:04]

And Vanessa, thanks for serving as the head monk of the practice period. I would thank everybody, but then we wouldn't have time for the lecture. But I mean it. I really do. So I'm giving this lecture as part of kind of an applied heart practice that we can do. which is how we deal with conflict and change without retaliation. And it's part of a teaching weekend that Dave and I are doing together. Dave, you want to very briefly introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Dave Rico, and I'm a retired psychotherapist, and it's a great honor to be co-teaching with Vicky State. Yeah. So for people online, Dave Rico and I have been teaching about love and power and specifically about how to apply loving-kindness practices in day-to-day life for something like 10 years now.

[02:05]

Every year we do workshops, and it takes this long to study. So if you're here for the first time, just let me know if there's something you don't understand. Look doubtful. OK, or put something in the chat or just say, excuse me, I don't understand. OK, and I'll try to make it accessible and clear for everybody. So I want to speak a little bit about the power of non-retaliation. So. Who here has never experienced an impulse towards retaliation when somebody done you wrong, okay? Is there anyone who would like to raise your hand and give the talk?

[03:10]

Would you? No. Okay. So the way we built this weekend was that every relationship has conflict and change. But many relationships hold that conflict and change. And by relationship, I don't just mean two people. It can also be like a country or a world, a biota. It can be any group that's in interconnection with each other. And then so many of us, them, hold conflict and change in spaces or containers that are formed by habits and preconceptions, by misplaced anger and fears, stuff that we may or may not know that we have. So when they're held in such a way, conflicts just ignite and blaze up, or else they destroy people and things, or else they freeze this life.

[04:20]

in ways that are harmful, actually. And so the living cultivation of intimacy requires that we deal with difference. I'm an identical twin. And so when I went away for college, I was separated from my identical twin sister for the first time. And I can't tell you how angry I got when people weren't me. you know what I mean so I would have these differences or arguments with people and I would of course assume that they knew exactly what I was talking about and how I felt and why was it a problem that's called ignorance and so um I found out through practice that there are ways that we can hold any barrier or any perceived difficulty as a gateway towards the cultivation of intimacy instead of the destruction of it.

[05:34]

And please, if you need to readjust your weight so that you're sitting with balance and comfort and ease, please do. Not meant to be torture, okay? So how does our practice help us negotiate the way based on friendliness or loving kindness? How do we build containers that help with this? The Buddha actually taught this, and it was almost his first teaching. So I'd like to read you a little bit from the Dhammapada. This is a translation by my ordination brother and Paulson, my Adharma brother, Gil Fronstell. And so Gil and I were ordained on the same day in 1982.

[06:37]

And he became a scholar and I stayed home to practice. We celebrate our ordination every year. And if you don't know his teachings, I highly recommend them because they're clear and understandable. So you can find them somewhere. He's on the San Francisco Zen Center teacher list and findable in other places. This is his translation from Pali. All experience... or dhamma, is preceded by mind, led by mind, and made by mind, manomaya. If you speak or act with a corrupted mind, suffering follows as the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox. All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, and made by mind. If you speak or act with peaceful mind,

[07:40]

Happiness follows like a never-departing shadow. He abused me. He attacked me. He defeated me. He robbed me. For those carrying on like this, hatred does not end. He abused me, attacked me, defeated me, robbed me. I should say she abused me, attacked me. They defeated me. They robbed me. For those... Not carrying on like this, hatred ends. Hatred never ends through hatred. By non-hate alone does it end. This is an ancient truth. So this is the first six verses of the Dhammapada, one of the Buddha's earliest teachings in which he said what was most important to him. So... When the Buddha heard about conflict in the Sangha, and he was teaching and writing about things and experiences, happenings, right in front of him and right in front of the community.

[08:54]

So if people had problems, they would bring it to him and they would say, teacher, what do we do? And he would give a teaching. So it was very simple and direct. And so his idea, he had, there's two sutras that I want to recommend for people who have practiced for a longer time and are familiar with the suttas, or the direct words of the Buddha as laid down about a couple hundred years later by other people. OK, so the Samagama Sutta. started when a group of monks had a huge argument about who was right, who presented the Dhamma in the right way, and who presented the Dhamma in the wrong way. They were all trying to one-up each other, like my way is right, your way is wrong.

[09:57]

You know, forget about what you just said. It was stupid. Why would I ever do that? You know, so that kind of talk. Boy, was he dumped. Boy, did she have the wrong idea. Probably not she. Boy, did they have the wrong idea. Okay. Okay. So that kind of speech, putting down somebody else's point of view. And so the Buddha wanted people to understand what are the roots of dispute and what kinds of conflicts was he litigating because the Dhamma wasn't just... it was also the law or the rule for the monks. So just like we read the shingi today, the residents read the shingi, the monastic rules today, the monks at that time abided by a much more complex monastic rule even than we have. We have a set of informal deportments or behaviors that we do plus a set of formal written ones.

[11:06]

And they had many more. For the men, it was 200 and change. And for the women, it was 300 and change, including eight special ones about taking guidance from the men. That was then. This is now. So Buddha taught the roots of dispute as vengefulness, when people are contemptuous or domineering, when they're envious or greedy for power, when they're deceitful, when they can't tell the truth, if they wish other people evil because they don't see them as real in some way, or if they're rigid about their views. Do you need to hear those again? The roots of dispute? Yes. Okay, I'll just try to say them in a word. Vengeful. Can picture it in your mind? Vengeful. Root of dispute, contemptuous or bullying, envious, deceitful, wishing ill, and rigid.

[12:30]

Okay, so those are the roots of dispute. And he observed that he was adjudicating four different kinds of conflicts. Ones that came from disputes that were already established. You can picture that. Or when somebody accused somebody else of something. You can picture that. Or when somebody offended against the monastic rule or behavior. or the rules of society that were about the ones that were about nonviolence, not the ones that were about caste, because he didn't care about those. That was not part of the Buddhist teaching. Or of proceedings, like if they had a process set up and someone didn't pay any attention to it or violated it,

[13:33]

So those were the four kinds of disputes that he was being confronted with all the time. So disputes already established, accusations, offenses, or procedural. And he said that he had seven main tools to settle disputes. And this lecture has a recording so you can... Review those if you want, or you can look at the Samagama Sutta. So his tools were to confront or bring them face to face, to appeal to their memory, to give someone leeway because of past insanity. When anybody acknowledged what had happened and was able to accept what had happened and what happened as a result of it.

[14:35]

Or when the majority had an understanding. Would you like another cushion? There's extra ones here. Okay. Okay. Or if he just felt that somebody was of bad character or so undeveloped that they couldn't be accountable and responsible in the same way as everyone else. or by what he called covering it over with grass, which Thich Nhat Hanh taught later, which is a whole process of, I'll talk about Thich Nhat Hanh's way of resolving disputes in a second. But he said that he could, though he could resolve disputes on behalf of the Sangha, because he was in charge, that what really worked for people was if they cultivated six qualities, six main qualities, that would help disputes not even arise.

[15:39]

So he was like a good doctor who was concerned with preventative medicine and not just with intervention. So acts of friendliness, body, speech, or mind, sharing, insights, and other... resources and events with allies and companions, sharing insights, virtues, or noble views. Okay, so the six acts were three of loving kindness, of body, speech, and mind, or three of sharing and including others, benefiting them with insights, with virtues and with views that lead to freedom. Okay, so he said that people who did that way with each other would be a sangha for each other.

[16:44]

They would follow the path together and be resources and allies for each other. They could trust each other and count on each other even if there was dispute. And they would be then able to use the dispute as a gate to understand life and to actually turn from suffering to a sense of great meaning, a great compassion and great wisdom. So this is a really great sutra because it lays out conflict in friendly or neutral ways that really help us understand what conflict is. But what would we need as humans to actually take advantage of this teaching and be able to use it? So we would need a very strong understanding of how when other people are happy and free, we are happy and free.

[17:55]

people, places, and things are actually important to us and how we are friendly to them and love them. So Dogen Zenji, the founder of our school in Japan, taught mountains belong to those who love them. And actually I want to say that another name for a temple in Japanese is a mountain. The temple belongs to those who love it. The sangha belongs to those who love each other in this way of interconnection about what's true and what leads to the cessation of suffering. So mostly he wanted people to practice loving kindness. And then he wanted people who couldn't practice loving kindness to go into the forest by themselves and ask themselves some questions.

[18:56]

Do you want to hear the questions? So, okay, go alone into your forest, okay? You might want to close your eyes or lower your eyes or get into a stable and comfortable position. And bring a conflict or, you know, an irreconcilable situation but not the worst one you have to mind. Not the very worst one. Start with an easier one, okay? First question, to develop the knowledge and skill. Is there any obsession that I haven't abandoned in myself that might so harness my mind that I can't know or see the situation or things as they actually are? Am I obsessed about anything that comes from greed, hate, or delusion?

[19:59]

Am I obsessed about anything that comes from remorse, restlessness, fantasy, or argumentation? So is there any obsession that I haven't abandoned in myself that might be pushing me around to not be able to see life as it actually is in this situation? Take a note. Here's another one. When I pursue or develop or cultivate the liberating view that comes from knowing my obsessions, do I find a little modicum of peace? Personally, me, myself, and I. So when I actually can see and understand how I've been hindered by my obsessions, does that give me a teeny bit of peace?

[21:09]

Third question. Do I trust this process? Do I believe in its capacity for liberation? Take a note. Do I possess the character of a person who is of right view or wise view? So, for instance, if I commit an offense, do I acknowledge and feel sorry for it, apologize for it? Do I make a searching and fearless moral inventory and whenever possible do I make amends? And also for character, Do I get so busy, even if I get busy, do I remember my training in ethics, concentration, and wisdom?

[22:15]

Even if I get busy, do I remember that I'm training, that I'm practicing? Do I remember my intention? And then not only do I possess the character, but do I possess the strength, the power, of a person who has wise view. So when a teaching is given, do I have the strength to accept it with respect and gratitude? Do I have the strength to take it up and practice it? Does it gladden me? Does it inspire me? Those are the questions. Okay, am I obsessed? What are they, if I am? Hint, hint, everybody is. When I understand, when I can hold those in the context of a wider view, a wider container, because holding them gives us a wider container. We couldn't hold them if we didn't have a wider container.

[23:21]

Do I have faith that that actually helps free me from them? Do I have the character, am I of the character to actually acknowledge my mistakes and repent them? To train, continue to train, and to accept teachings on how to train. Does this actually inspire me? Okay, so that's the Buddha's suggestions about practicing with conflict. The two ones were the more cut-and-dried kind of conflict resolution paradigm, and then the basics of loving kindness and of insight that allow us to actually do it. Are we okay? Do you need to be fanned for a moment? Because this is a lot. It's a lot of teaching here. And at San Francisco Zen Center, we may not...

[24:28]

speak about these specifics exactly this way, but they underlie our ethics, policies, and practices, and what we expect of each other. So part of the service we can do for each other is to really expect each other to be accountable, to be friendly, to have good character and strength, to be practicing and not to not be practicing. and to mutually trust in the way that we share. So if we can expect this of other people without kind of criticizing them, if they're not doing it exactly our way, that helps. It's like clapping for Tinkerbell. You know how in Peter Pan, Tinkerbell is fading from view, her light is fading, and you have to kind of clap your hands, and then she becomes brighter and flies again. The Sangha needs that kind of support.

[25:30]

It sounds kind of simple-minded, but it's not simple-minded. Just like giving someone a piece of your chocolate cake is not simple-minded, although it is simple. So I just want to say that Thich Nhat Hanh was a master at interpreting the Buddhist teachings. in modern ways that sounded extremely simple. As Mrs. Suzuki, Shinri Suzuki Roshi's wife, Mrs. Suzuki, she was my, one of my teachers for 18 years. And she, one of her big lessons was, you know, like tea ceremony or some of the other things she taught me are easy or not easy. Rather, they're simple. And simple is not easy. They look easy when she does it.

[26:31]

Like when she made miso soup, it looked extremely easy. But it tasted really good, and mine tasted just like dishwater, you know? And I asked her what she put in it, and she said that what she put in it was exactly the same thing that I put in it. And she said, simple. It's simple. So Thich Nhat Hanh's practices are simple. So I'll just go over this. Just think of your conflict or situation again for a second. And just when I say these things, imagine yourself doing them. And if you were to laugh or... make a rueful sound I wouldn't criticize you for it okay so he says conflict resolution has non-retaliatory conflict resolution has three pieces compassion where we work to understand people presence where we stay fully with them and loving kindness where we put our caring into action

[27:46]

So there's two main practices. The first one is heal from within, which is when you're mad, sit. When you're mad, sit. Don't do. It's a time to let your anger cool down so you can understand what to do. Okay. I am internally laughing ruefully. Okay. Officially. Okay. The second one is called beginning anew. So there's four pieces of The first one, name the positive qualities in the other person. The person you're angry with, name their positive qualities. Your own actions express remorse for the conflict they have led to. Share what hurt you about what the other person said or did.

[28:52]

And restore the peace. Ask each other, share with each other what can be done to heal. Emphasize listening deeply. I used to think that Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings were, like, you know, way too positive for me. Yeah. And then I realized, you know, when I got to know him a little bit better because he came to Tassajara and worked with us, I was just floored by what this man had been through in his life and what he made of it. So he saw a lot of people he knew hurt, killed, displaced, in every possible way. And what he made of it was a light to shine all over the world.

[30:00]

And so these practices that he says, you know, if I hold up my situation or my conflict in front of me mentally or visually, and then try to apply these words for it, there's this thing that happens where, you know, here's my conflict, and here's the thing that he's saying to do, and I kind of go like this. It's not exactly, you know, a monk asked an ancient teacher, what is the teaching of a whole lifetime? And he said... an appropriate response. And the word in Chinese that he used was dwe, which has little arrows in it, in the character. Arrow points meeting. But my thing with these conflicts for most of my life has been like this.

[31:13]

It hasn't been like this. And so I want to say that these practices require us to face the other, to connect with the other, to care about the other, who we see as the other. And that it is probably the single most powerful act of peace that we can practice in this life is to care. to care enough to not let the other person twist slowly in the wind or be hurt or killed. So I just want to say a few more words. I have about another 10 or 15 minutes, I think. So again, if you need to,

[32:18]

shift so as to continue to pay attention in your body. Please do. And one of the things that I find is that not being in too much pain is very helpful. But also, yeah, I'm serious. Using my sense of balance allows my physical body and my physiological body to support my emotional body. so I can stay receptive. So this is a physical practice that you can do that will come to your aid in times of conflict and change, to use your sense of balance that unites an internal and an external sense of environment. Can you feel what I mean? Yeah, so... I don't know if you can feel, but when you find that good point of balance, so it's not just like, okay, ears over the shoulders, check.

[33:26]

You know, it's not like that. There's an internal sense of receptivity, you know, like dancing. Your body is ready to move, to respond. And colors are brighter. Sounds are more hearable. So keeping ourselves in a state of readiness allows us to experience the relaxation and full function of our breathing that gives us the perception of shunyata, or potential, non-rigidity in a particular moment, so helpful for times of conflict and change. I want to say... Just one more little theme, which is, you know how I said that Thich Nhat Hanh was advocating this and I was doing that? I was thinking about this week about why or how it was that I was unready to face conflict and resolve it.

[34:38]

So there were many ways. One is aggression. So, you know, I'm from New York, so if somebody cuts you off on the road, the culturally appropriate thing to do is to say, where'd you learn how to drive? Right? So that kind of sidesteps the feelings that would otherwise arise because, you know, you're being pushed by them. It escalates from there. You know, there was a wonderful cartoon in The New Yorker that showed, like, L.A. profiles on top and New York profiles on the bottom. I mention this sometimes. The L.A. ones were saying good morning, but their thought bubbles were saying go to hell. And the New York ones were saying go to hell, and their thought bubbles were saying good morning. Or I love you.

[35:41]

Right? Right. But we don't always know each other's love language, so that's part of this. But things that we can do to actually help us ready ourselves to be able to do these practices, to cultivate this character and strength, are really important. One time, Kalu Rinpoche was at Green Gulch, and he was asking about our practice. and somebody was describing zazen to him. And there was a silence, and then he completely cracked up. And he said, you do that at the beginning? We do that at the end. So his idea was that this practice of zazen that we do every day, there's zazen instruction for beginners, that that was actually a very sophisticated, intense practice that requires a lot of preparation.

[36:43]

Actually, it's both. It's both a practice that a beginner can do and a practice that even a 72-year-old, 55-year practitioner can't do. It's both. But one of the things that we can do is to work with our external and internal environment. And by doing so, we ready ourselves externally and internally for these practices to be meaningful for us. So external and internal environment, I would even go so far as to say that it can make the difference between unreadiness and readiness, between failure and success when we have conflicts. So that failure would be to be pushed into retaliation or avoidance.

[37:48]

Success would be to come face-to-face with the other and with the issue and use it to be free. So I'm going to go back to the teachings of the Buddha in the Dhammapada. Thank you, Gil. Whoever lives focused on the pleasant... senses unguarded, immoderate with food, lazy and sluggish, will be overpowered by Mara, embodiment of suffering, as a weak tree is bent in the wind. Whoever lives focused on the unpleasant, senses guarded, moderate with food, faithful and diligent, will not be overpowered by Mara. As a stone mountain, is unmoved by the wind. Those who consider the inessential to be essential and see the essential as inessential don't reach the essential, living in the field of wrong intention.

[38:55]

Those who know the essential to be essential and the inessential as inessential reach the essential, living in the field of right intention. So what is this field of right intention and how do we build it? I'm just going to say really quickly some things that we can do. When people ask me, well, what can I do? The first thing I say is resource yourself. Please, if you're in a situation of conflict and change, please get some sleep. Please. eat good food and drink enough water, take care of yourself, get some exercise. Okay, so you're self-regulating, not using bad habits to do that or difficult habits to do that. You're simply taking care of yourself as you would take care of a representative, an honored representative from some country.

[40:04]

And find teachings and people to help you. It's what I call resourcing. It's not a complicated idea that you take care of yourself and you get help. But how many of us actually do it? Take our conflicts seriously enough as part of our practice to actually do it? To... To address persistent disturbances or interruptions that would take us away from doing it. Like, for instance, if there's jackhammering outside, you'd find a quiet place. Withdrawing from enemies, withdrawing from toxicity, withdrawing from flurry and worry and so on. Those are just ways to take care of ourselves, our external and internal environment. And just to recommit to our ethical discipline, whatever it is, to our ability to sit in the midst of change and just be ourselves.

[41:15]

So that's what I call taking care of the environment. That's, you know, the secret sauce externally and internally. To just set up an internal world in which as much as aligned and righteous as possible without being self-righteous or obsessive. You don't have to have orthorexia to eat good food. So the Buddha taught about this in that same chapter. He said, as rain penetrates an ill-thatched house, so lust or aversion or basically passion penetrates an uncultivated mind As rain does not penetrate a well-thatched house, so passion does not penetrate a cultivated mind. So those are things that we usually think of as external or extra or luxuries, or we'll get to it someday.

[42:23]

And please, what I'm going to say is, please, if you're in a situation of conflict and change, my first request is please take care of yourself. Are we good? Okay, so again, one more time with feeling. Think of your, bring to mind, visualize your situation of conflict and change. And if it seems, you know, if this resonates with you, Do something to take care of yourself today and see where it goes, okay? First thing. It sounds kind of simple-minded, but the whole point of having an environment like this, a beautiful space to nourish the senses with good vegetarian food, congratulations.

[43:32]

It's our first lunch. Thank you City Center staff and volunteers who are making the food in the kitchen even as we speak. That's why we have an environment like this with people who wear clothing that you just wear in the Zendo or it's clean. It doesn't distract other people. There are forms so that we all agree on how to behave. It's friendly or neutral. So we can just exhale. And when the conflict comes up, there's a safe way to hold it. And we realize that this idea that things change and that we can change, not just in negative, deteriorating ways, but in positive, wholesome, or insightful, transcendent, deep and compassionate ways, that that is actually a possibility for us, a possibility for you.

[44:44]

And saying that, I bow to you. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[45:13]

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