This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. But I would like to start with something that you may have heard. This is Edmund's monologue from The Long Day's Journey into Night. And our friend Lou, whose picture is on the altar, cited this. as an example of Kensho.

[01:02]

This is Edmund speaking. You've just told me some high spots in your memories. Want to hear mine? They're all connected with the sea. Here's one. When I was on the squarehead rigger bound for Buenos Aires, full moon in the trades, the old hooker driving 14 knots, I lay on the bowsprit facing astern, with the water foaming into spume under me, the mass with every sail white in the moonlight towering high above me. I became drunk with the beauty and singing rhythm of it, And for a moment, I lost myself, actually lost my life. I was set free. I dissolved in the sea, became white sails and flying spray, became beauty and rhythm, became moonlight and the ship and the high dim-starred sky.

[02:24]

I belonged without past and future, within peace and unity and a wild joy, within something greater than my own life or the life of man, to life itself. To God, if you want to put it that way. Then another time on the American line, When I was a lookout on the crow's nest in the dawn watch. A calm sea that time. Only a lazy groundswell and a slow, drowsy roll of the ship. The passengers asleep. None of the crew in sight. No sound of man. Black smoke pouring from the funnels behind and beneath me. Dreaming. not keeping lookout, feeling alone and above and apart, watching the dawn creep like a painted dream over the sky and sea which slept together.

[03:39]

Then the moment of ecstatic freedom came, the peace, the end of the quest, the last harbor, the joy... of belonging to a fulfillment beyond men's lousy, pitiful, greedy fears and hopes and dreams. And several other times in my life, when I was swimming far out or lying alone on a beach, I have had the same experience. Became the sun, the hot sand, green seaweed anchored to a rock swaying in the tide, like a saint's vision of beatitude, like the veil of things. as they seem drawn back by an unseen hand. For a second, you see. And seeing the secret, you are the secret. For a second, there is meaning. Then the hand lets the veil fall, and you're alone, lost in the fog again, and you stumble on toward nowhere for no good reason.

[04:48]

He grins wryly at this point. It was a great mistake, my being born a man. I would have been much more successful as a seagull or a fish. As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home, who does not really want and is not really wanted, who can never belong, who must always be a little in love with death. That's Edmund's monologue. The part more towards the end where he's not talking about how drunk he is or his father and stuff like that. Okay? So, as I said, this was quoted by Liu as a description of Kensho, of glimpsing reality. Alas, you know, the founder of our school in Japan... Ehei Dogenzenji, did not think that Kensho was enlightenment.

[05:53]

And I don't know, maybe neither did Liu. So, but actually, it is a kind of enlightenment. Kensho, Kensho means seeing, and Sho is reality. So Kensho is glimpsing. for a second, for a moment. And it's a taste of how things can be, how interconnected things can be, how happy things can be, how peaceful things can be. And Rinzai Zen makes a lot more of Kensho than Soto Zen. Soto Zen is the kind of Zen we practice at San Francisco Zen Center. Soto comes from the names of Sozan and Tozan, two patriarchs, ancestors of Soto Zen. And Sho, on the other hand, is reality.

[06:59]

And Sho is the show of, for people who have read the Shobo Genzo, the treasury of the true Dharma eye, that true truth is Sho. And zazen, which is absolutely useless for anything, is our ritual, our ritual that we do every day to celebrate sho. And sho is genjo koan. Genjo koan is waking up to reality. This time, too. Okay? You know, a lot of things happen in life. And, you know, something might happen and you might say, it doesn't seem like it would be possible to wake up this time, too.

[08:03]

You know, or there might be some activity like, you know, showing up for dishes or... walking downstairs early in the morning before your body has started to really be awake or to really work very well. And it might not feel like enlightenment this time too. And also there are times like when a very close, a person who's very close to us is sick or aging or dies. And it might be hard to feel like it's possible to awake this time too. But the whole point of Genjo Koan is that not only is it possible to wake up this time too, but this time is the time that it's possible to wake up and no other time. This opportunity is the way.

[09:10]

In the Genjo Koan, Dogen Zenji says, here is the place. Here the way unfolds. Which I always thought was kind of a throwaway line. But actually, it's the line to pay attention to if you don't think you can be enlightened this time too. And, you know, the past couple weeks, I've been... I was so moved... I don't know how to really talk about this, but the conversations that Lou and I had in the rehab center when he was kind of incoherent or apparently incoherent were some of the deepest conversations that I've ever had with anyone anywhere.

[10:15]

at any time. And he had aphasia so that when he would start saying a word, sometimes it wouldn't come out as the word that he wanted. But somehow, because I've recently been in a car accident, and before that I was in a different kind of accident, and both accidents involved traumatic brain injuries, somehow I realized, oh, this is... kind of reminds me of what I had, and what would I have wanted someone to do. So I was able to try out different words, and he would stop me at the right word. And what came forward was something like this, something like this, as the lecture that I think that Lou would give if he were to give a lecture today. I think he might say something like, all my... For much of my adult life, I've protected myself and the people around me from reality.

[11:23]

I've lived in a constructed self and in a constructed world. And to protect the constructed world, to protect people's ideas of what is okay, to protect people's safety, to protect what's expected of me, I've acted like that person. in that constructed world. But at this moment, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. And his situation was such that in his age and condition, he couldn't do it anymore. And now, and at that point, I tried quite a few words, and then I said, authenticity. And he vigorously said, authenticity. I mean... He had to try a few times. But it was the word authenticity. And it struck me. Authenticity. The truth. Real life is what he was after.

[12:30]

And that other things had to drop away. And also, that gave me cause to a reflection on this person's Dharma path. And how all of it was a search for authenticity, that drive in him to find what's true and to be with what's real was the most important thing for him, as it is the most important thing for me. And... Lou would sometimes in lecture, or almost every lecture that I ever heard him speak, he would mention a spontaneous Kensho experience that he had when he was about five years old. And it was in a peaceful stream area. And he had an experience that was something like Edmund's experience on the sea.

[13:40]

A moment when... Everything made sense when he could glimpse the interconnectedness of the world. And then life resumed and the constructed life would come back. So Edmund says in the monologue that he, after this experience, he must always be someone who never quite feels at home in the world. But is that really so? You know, often at a moment of shock, at a moment of grief, at a moment of pain, we have a feeling of disconnection from how things are. But we've never been disconnected, and we never will be disconnected from how things are. We are how things are. And that's what we can take refuge in our nature.

[14:42]

which is the nature of awakeness. We can take refuge in awakeness. We can take refuge in any path that shows us how to wake up. We can take refuge in the community of practitioners and of all life. So Dogen Zenji says... In the Genjo Koan, he also says, when first we seek the Dharma, we are far away from its environs. But, can somebody finish the line for me? When we practice intimately and we return to where we are, it becomes clear that nothing at all has a fixed and abiding self.

[15:43]

Okay? So it's only when we have a view of the constructed self as if it were us that things are meaningless and far away. If we drop that and return to where we are, practice occurs manifesting the fundamental point. Okay? Here is the place. Here is the way. I have more lecture written down, but I'm going to put this away now. It's possible I could come up with a lot more examples about everyday life and times when I was frustrated or when people around me came to me with frustration and it didn't seem quite right and then they took refuge in how things were right then and everything turned out okay and they felt connected and vital and enlightened and the world was fine okay so I could come up with a lot of examples like that but I'm not actually feeling that way right now because my friend died

[17:03]

So I just don't feel that way right now. It doesn't mean it's not true. Okay? But I do want to talk... I also want to mention another fascicle of the Shobogenzo, another... This isn't really part of the lecture, but it is something that I was studying to find out, well, how to cope. And... I don't know if you know this about Dogen Zenji, but in the last few weeks of his life, what his teaching boiled down to was taking refuge. What his practice boiled down to was taking refuge. So he wrote, he had a pillar where he lived, and he wrote Buddha, Dharma, Sangha, Awakeness, the Path, the Community, on that pillar. And then he circumambulated that pillar. He just walked around and around that pillar for weeks saying, I take refuge in Buddha.

[18:10]

I take refuge in Dharma. I take refuge in Sangha. So I can only feel that what Dogen Zenji was trying to do with that was to manifest his fundamental vow to wake up for and with all beings. This is what he says about it. Asleep and awake, we should chant the three treasures. Even between abandoning this life and being born in Annette's life, so even in the middle existence, between dying and being born again, we should intend to chant the refuges without ever stilling the voice. You know, that middle time between things, that time when we're dislocated, doesn't last long. And during that time we need to take refuge.

[19:13]

I'm paraphrasing. Even when we wake up, at a time when we aren't really attached to anything, even at a time when the entire picture seems to be... visible to us, we should take refuge. We should take refuge in what's most important to us, in what guides us on the way, in our fundamental sanity, moment after moment, whatever happens. That's the only way. We might not feel good. It might not feel like anything is happening, but it's the utterance of taking refuge that is the practice. Just like zazen is the utterance of the body that manifests how things are, how things is.

[20:21]

And then it says... Let's not neglect to take refuge even while being born. Can you imagine how busy you must be being born? I mean, maybe not as busy as giving birth, but still, it's kind of an intense situation to be born. But notice that that's the situation we're in every moment. Every time we exhale, something dies. Every time we inhale, We're born. So every time we inhale, it's for refuge. Every time we exhale, it's for refuge. It says, profoundly desire that through our six sense organs, we might offer to chant and take refuge in awakeness, the way, and the community of life again and again.

[21:26]

It might be that when this life ends, our two eyes will become dark at once. At that time, knowing already that it's the end of life, we should take refuge. Then, the Buddhas of the Ten Directions bestow their compassion. Okay? Even misdeeds for which, due to the presence of contributing causes, we might go on to an evil destiny would be transformed. And this will be born before the Buddha. We'll hear the Dharma. After darkness comes before our eyes, we must strive unflaggingly to take refuge. not letting up, even until the time between existences and even until our next birth.

[22:33]

In this manner, exhausting the process of life, time after time, only refuge. Even after enlightenment, do not let up. This is the truth practiced by the awakened ones. This is called profoundly to realize the Dharma. It's called the Buddha's truth being present in the body. Please don't mix it with different ideas. So I mentioned this particular one stream of practice through every existence, through every breath. Because looking back on my own practice life, I see that that's the truth. And because Lou has manifested it so strongly as to remind me that that's the truth.

[23:38]

And so I'll be quiet now. I don't really have more to say than just no matter what... no matter what is born. Practice the one practice of the most important thing. Take refuge and enter the truth. Okay? So that's really all I have to say. And I think even if you're not a Buddhist, still there is something that's the most important thing. So, If you're not a Buddhist, don't worry. I'm not talking about an ism when I say take refuge. I'm talking about our actual life, our actual life of what means the most and is the most to us, moment after moment, just this one practice of taking refuge in this.

[24:48]

Okay? Does this bring up anything for anyone? Do you want to say anything, give an example, tell me I'm totally wrong, or anything? Please, I welcome that. Yes, we can. Do we have copies of them? Could you? Stretch your legs, too. Anything else you would like to say? Yeah. Did you want to say something? Who? Yes, Jane.

[25:52]

Mm-hmm. For the benefit of the tape, I will say that Jane just confirmed that in the darkest times of her life, she takes refuge. Yeah, and my experience is that in the darkest times, it's actually easier to take refuge. In the times that it's kind of the boring times where it's hard to take refuge, where the times when it seems petty or meaningless. then it's hard. But that's what sangha's for. That's what our companions are for. Just look around and see who's here, okay? Take a look. Okay? So if you're ever bored and that seems like that's what's really happening,

[26:53]

Go get a reality check from one of the people in this room right now. Okay? Will you? Okay. Anything else? Any comments? Any stories? Thank you. And I would like to, I'll say that that's where I went to when I was in the hospital. It was natural. Yes. then the supervisor came in and said, you only have 20 minutes left.

[27:56]

And I felt like, why if this was 20 minutes of life? Yeah. What if it was, yeah. Yeah. [...] Well, this is the last thing I'll say, so I'll do a really good job in this little corner. Did everybody hear that? Did you hear that? Okay, so I'm sorry, what's your name? Alex. So Alex was talking about sitting close to where Lou usually sat and hearing the story and then going and doing service, doing some work, some soji in the refrigerator. in the walk-in. Okay? The walk-in is cold. But the thought came up, correct me if I'm wrong, the supervisor said, you have 20 minutes left.

[29:04]

And Alex had the thought, well, what if my whole life was only going to be another 20 minutes? And that because it was in 20 minutes of doing service with the sangha, that that became a meaningful time. Over the last few years, you have come to feel that what our spiritual practice is, is learning how to take refuge and what that actually means. So that I asked a recent Shusel, have you found your refuge? There's this team working there. Have we found our refuge? Have we found what needs in your life to take refuge?

[30:06]

The other thing is you started off by giving an account that we thought was that despite potential experience, And before I came over here in this visit, I was listening to a Leonard Cohen. And it dawned on me, he's describing Kencho. He talks about the dust that's visible in some way. He talks about the dust that you seldom see, out of which the nameless makes a name for one like me. Wow. And then he goes on to say that love went on and on and on until it came to the open door. Then love itself was gone. Can you sing? She doesn't like cold.

[31:11]

Oh, oh. And then when he says, love itself was gone, I just added the last part of the parts of the trip. So he said, love went on and [...] on until it came to an open door. Then love itself was gone. Bodhi, gone beyond... Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Love itself. Love itself. You're going to look it up. Okay, so would you maybe I should say a few words about the Pali refuges and then

[32:14]

Let's do the ceremony. So the Pali is the language that the Buddha taught in, as you know. And this particular tune for the refuges was developed by Ananda Dahlenberg, I think, or found by Ananda Dahlenberg. Ananda Claude Dahlenberg was one of the people who discovered this building when it was up for sale. by Kadasa, or the organization that owned it before. And Ananda was a Zen teacher. And he loved the name Ananda because Ananda was the last person who woke up of the Buddha's close students. And Ananda thought that our... chanting was all very monotone and not very exciting.

[33:19]

So he wanted to do something with a tune and with a rhythm. So he developed this chanting, I think, right? He brought it back. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. So Ananda brought it back when he went to Thailand or to Asia someplace. Okay. So he didn't invent it. He heard it and brought it back. Okay. And so what was important to Ananda was that it connects us with the, that the refuges connect us with the world Buddhist community and that they're the fundamental practice of Buddhism and Zen is a form of Buddhism. And what else can I say? If you don't know Pali, you can just follow along.

[34:24]

But the H, it's buddha, buddha, ha, buddham, buddham, sadhanam. Pali is gachami. Sanskrit is gochami. What does the thing say? Gachami. So it's Pali, gachami. Okay? So what we'll do is we'll do three bows together. We'll put our hands in gasho, palms together like this, with the base of the palm in front of the base of the neck like this. And then chant, whole being, chant. And this chant stands for what's most important, Buddha is awakeness. Dharma is the teaching, the law, how things are. Sangha is the community or the community of life.

[35:27]

That's what we take refuge in. And shall we? Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[35:58]

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