This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations by people like you. And while I was asking people what I should talk about tonight, and of course I won't name anyone, but And the first person I asked said sex. And I thought, well, you know, I remember my friend Roger Corliss that died a few months ago. And he said, you don't have to talk about sex. You just mention that word in the first five minutes and you've got everyone's attention for the rest of the evening. So that was it. I actually wanted to start with a poem. And I'd like to dedicate the poem and the whole talk to Blanche Hartman and Lou, of course.

[01:13]

Where's Lou? So Lou said, talk about what's in front of you. Here it is. So, start off with a poem. And this is what I like to call the Scottish Abhidharma. We, sleek it, cooring, timorous beastie, oh, what a panic's in the briste. The lead me start away so hasty, we bicker and brattle. I would be late to win and chase thee, we murder and prattle. I am truly sorry, man's dominion. Actually, maybe I'll do it a wee bit more in English. The first part said, small, sleek, timid beast. Oh, what a panic is in thy breast. You don't need to run away so quickly. I won't chase you with my murdering plough.

[02:14]

This is written to a mouse because Robert Burns, that well-known Scottish poet, was a ploughman. And he was ploughing the field and turned up a mouse and went right through her nest. So this is what the poem is about. I'm truly sorry. I'll do a wee bit more English. I'm truly sorry man's dominion has broken nature's social union and justifies that ill opinion which makes thee startle at me thy poor earth-born companion and fellow mortal. I doubt thee wiles but thou may thieve. I have no doubt but you steal things. What then, poor beastie, thou mon live? A demonicker and a thrave is a small request. A small amount from each sheaf is a small request. I'll get a blessing with a lave and ne'er miss it. Thy wee bit who see too in ruin.

[03:15]

It silly was the winds are strewing. The little house is also ruined. And the winds are, the wind is blowing the walls away. And nothing now to big a new ain o foggage green. And bleak December's winds ensuing both snell and keen. There's nothing left to build a new one with. And it's December and the wind is whistling in. Thou saw the fields laid bare and waste and weary winter coming fast. And cozy here beneath the blast thou thought to dwell. That was clear, eh? Till crash. The cruel coulter passed out through thy cell till crash. The plough went right through the little house. That wee bit heap o' leaves in stibble has cost thee money a weary nibble. Now thou's turned out for all thy trouble. But house are hauled to thaw the winter's sleety dribble and cranlough cold.

[04:20]

Turned out of your house. Okay. Now here's the important part. So the best plans that we make often go astray. It's the same with people and mice. Still. Thou art blessed compared with me. The present only toucheth thee. But I backward cast my eye on prospects drear. And forward though I cannot see. I guess and fear. So. The last verse. The mouse is blessed. Compared with me. Because the present only touches the mouse. The mouse is living in the present. But me.

[05:24]

I look backwards on dreary prospects. I look back in the past a lot. And forward. I keep looking forward. Even though I can't see what's going to happen, I guess what's going to happen. And I fear. So the reason I wanted to read that one is... The other good bit of advice that I got today was from my father, Lou. And he said, talk about what's in front of you. So what's been on my mind lately is, you know, we always talk about living in the moment, staying in the moment. Because if we stay in the moment, there's where we're kind of more stress free. Because we know that all the kerfuffle and worry that goes on, it's often worrying about the future or dwelling in the past.

[06:30]

So we spend quite a lot of time trying to just be right here, right now. So as you know, Blanche is my teacher and her teaching is just this is it. And as a disciple, I've shortened it to this. So that's tonight's lecture. This. But then it occurred to me, that's hard enough to practice staying here. That's quite a tricky one. And I want to give us all great credit for, you know, taking the time to dedicate our lives to doing this. It's not an easy row to hold. so to speak and I feel very blessed by just knowing everybody here it's a lovely thing to spend your life doing and I often get a bit negative and you know go on about all this that and the other but this is a beautiful thing a beautiful way to spend our lives these are the best golden days of our lives

[07:45]

So we're working, we're all working together to try and be right here and be here in this moment. And then it occurred to me, when you think about how the mind works, think about prejudice, which is just a word for prejudgment. Often, are we able to be completely in this moment? Say I look at all of you and I think, oh I know what that kind of guy is like. Yeah, I know what he's like. Even though I'm in the moment, I'm in the moment assessing what I'm looking at. Or even if I'm in the moment and I hear a sound and I think, oh that sounds like already I'm not in the moment. In fact, even if I just hear the sound, you know that saying, let the herd be the herd and the seen be the seen.

[08:54]

Even if I'm just hearing the sound, am I really in the moment? It's a fascinating thing to me at the moment. Because the mind works by seeing something and reflecting upon it. Otherwise, how would we know what we're looking at? So the mind has that function. So as soon as I look and identify, surely I'm already a wee bit away from the moment. So that's what I've been looking at lately. How do you stay right here? How is that possible? And in fact, even a bigger question, is it possible? Is it possible to be right here? I'm very fond of Alan Watts.

[09:59]

And he has, of course, many great books. And one of my favorites is The Way of Zen. And he talks about this very issue in The Way of Zen of... How can you be here without the effort to be here? How could you just be basically? How does that work without always adjusting to you know what does he think of me or what's he seeing or what does she think? Blanche is very fond of saying do nothing for the eye of the beholder. How can you be authentic, spontaneous and right in the moment? What on earth would that look like? Alan Watts gives the example of the Shuso ceremony as one way of seeing that happen.

[11:04]

I think most people have been to a Shuso ceremony. If you've not, it's where you sit down and then maybe a hundred people all fire a question at you and then you respond. And Alan Watts was talking about response without thought. Now that's a very interesting concept, response without thought. In other words if someone comes up and asks you something, say, Keith asked me a question, instead of thinking, well, no, what's the right thing to say? What's the best way to put this? I prefer to just open my mouth and let it come out, as Greg knows. And it takes a lot to trust to do that.

[12:09]

And trust in what? Well, there's a whole other talk, you know. What is it we're trusting in to be right here with each other? What is it we're trusting in to live in a community and be as vulnerable as we are with each other? So it's very, very interesting to me how often I find myself with that little bit of hesitation, you know. Oh, what do you think of such and such a person? Oh, well. It's very, very interesting to trust what comes out of your mouth. I've been working on it for quite a while and the main thing was not to be always assessing how it was going to come across. It's like when I first started giving talks, and I did it first in a beginner's sitting and read it all, because I was worried I wouldn't be able to say the right thing.

[13:17]

You know, who, me? You know, talk about the Dharma? Oh, for goodness sake, you know, there's so many people much better qualified to talk about the Dharma. So I had it all written down. And then I thought about it, so the next time I took notes, and I sat on them. Just in case. And then the time after that, the third time, then I just went for it. And terrified Blanche. But anyway. So spontaneous action. Authentic, spontaneous action in this moment. Is that a possibility? And how do we get to that? How could we arrive at that? Do nothing for the eyes of the beholder. I think that was Richard Baker, I think, said that to Blanche. Do nothing for the eyes of the beholder. Of course, living in a community, that's a real challenge.

[14:23]

You know, often one feels watched. and observed and you know you've got the practice committee and then you've got the, what have we got? The practice committee, the officers and directors, the elders committee, I mean there's so many committees and so forth that seems to be above us looking at us and judging how are we doing and then not to mention all of us looking at each other and assessing each other and how we're doing so really we've put ourselves in the line of fire so to speak and of course Blanche always talks about the edges getting rubbed off living in community and it's just really interesting how can you stay free stay liberated

[15:28]

And live in the community. And I say stay free because the other thing that I think is very, very important for us all to remember is that everything you have, everything you think you need, everything you think you're looking for is right here. There isn't anywhere to go. There's no other place to be. You know, where's the peak of the mystic mountain? Where is it? It's right here. And it's right here. So that's a big part of the idea of the concept or the feeling or the experience of authenticity. Where's the peak of the mystic mountain? It's right here. Oh, what a shame. I think that's the line that comes after that in that case. Oh, what a shame. This is it. Oh dear. But anything other than this is just something extra.

[16:36]

As you know I've got some groups out in the city there and we work on this a lot because we're working on you know very particularly on stress reduction and working with anger. working with sadness, grief, depression, all you know what we think of as the afflictive emotions. So of course we're working again on this, staying right here, staying in this moment. So it's very important to remember that we're not trying to add anything on. It's a peeling away kind of a process. If you Alan Watts talks about how can you make the effort to be authentic? You know, can you? Can you be authentic by trying to be authentic? Or maybe the trying to be authentic is you being authentic. Interesting notion, how can you just be yourself?

[17:41]

And then of course we get into the other dilemma in Zen practice. I'm sitting here saying be yourself. You're already enlightened. It's all there. It's right here. But then for goodness sake, what do we always talk about is dropping the self. Well, isn't that a bit of a contradiction? You know, be yourself. Be yourself completely. My hero is Isan Dorsey. What a guy. What a woman, you know. Great, great guy. You should all read Street Zen. Drag queen, drug addict, drank a lot. You know, found Zen and didn't pretend that he didn't have that in his past. And that's what made him such an attractive person to other people, because he was just himself. He didn't suddenly say, okay, now I'm in Zen and I'm real holy and, you know, that's it. He was very, very real about his life. And every year I talk at a benefit, the Maitri benefit, about Yisan.

[18:46]

And every year when I do it, when I finish afterwards, people come running up crying. And it's years ago he died. He died in 1990. And people run up crying and say, Oh, Isan, he was so great. You could tell him anything. You could have a joke with him. He was so real, you know. And that's what people loved about him. So... Being the authentic self, being the authentic self. I want to leave plenty of time to talk about this because the other interesting thing about doing this talk is that people said, are you lecturing tonight? No I'm not. I'm talking, I'm talking to my friends. I'm very much into horizontal. rather than a power over situation.

[19:48]

So even though I'm sitting a few inches higher than everybody else, apart from the people on the benches, we're all on an equal plane. And that knowledge is something else that helps one to stay authentic. So the self. I'm sitting here saying, be yourself. And that's authentic. And yet, What is it that we keep hearing in our practice is to drop the self. Drop it, you know. Oh I see a self sticking out, quick drop that, you know. Well here's my take on that. The best way to drop yourself is to be yourself completely because that way There's nothing extra and there's nothing held back. That way you fill yourself up completely and that helps you to not actually be holding on to that at all.

[20:54]

I believe the only way to really, really drop the self is to live it out to your fingertips. To absolutely be the best you, the perfect you, the wonderful you that you are. So that might be controversial. It might be something to think about. But I've found that personally to be the most useful way to go about dropping themselves. It makes me sad when I see people thinking that they can kind of homogenize themselves and be the good Zen person or just the good person to try and You know, oh, this bit, you know, that should go. That's not quite right. And, you know, I really want to be, you know, a sharp, thin, blonde woman. You know, I'd really rather not be like this.

[21:58]

You know, anything, anything, anything that you hear yourself saying, oh, I'd rather about yourself, that's the extra part. You actually are the perfect you already. How could you not be? There isn't another version of you sitting over there that's actually much more perfect and better and more real. Again, this is it. What you have is it. Sorry, but that's it. So I would just give encouragement to live yourself out. Live yourself out completely to your fingertips. That doesn't mean, of course, that there aren't things we could work on. What was it Suzuki Roshi said? You're all perfect, just as you are. And then the second part was, and we could all use a little improvement.

[22:59]

Now I think that in America, people really get the part about, oh yes, I could really use some improvement. Definitely. You know, I'm very aware of all my faults. I'm very aware of all the failings that I have. And I could really use some improvement. But the first time I did a workshop here, it was called, You're Perfect Just As You Are. Because that's the part that's hard to get. You know? It's like, well, yeah, you might think I'm really nice, but wait till you get to know me. You know? You are perfect the way you are. That's really, really important. Because anything else isn't here in the moment. Yes, I'm fine, you know, but when I lose 20 pounds, I'll be even better, you know. Maybe so. But how you are right now is how you are right now.

[24:01]

There's no point in waiting to experience your life fully There's no point in waiting until something or other. I'm very fond of saying that we all have one foot on a bar of soap and the other one in the grave. You never know when you're going to go. So what is there to sit around and wait for? So living oneself completely, living oneself completely in the moment. I have another poem. I was just remembering the last time I talked was here was almost, I think it was almost two years ago. Oh no, it would be a year ago December. It was the end of my showship.

[25:04]

And it's funny, I was just remembering all the people that were sitting here. thinking about the poem that I read then which was Rumi. I got the same, I have the same feeling now that I terribly, terribly much want to convey the perfection that you are. I terribly, terribly much would love to be able to reflect that to everyone. Because that's, I mean, That's how I see you all. It's like Suzuki Roshi said, I love everybody. Some of you are a wee bit harder to love than others. Especially doing the kind of work I do out in the city and seeing people living in very difficult circumstances. I just get so much encouragement there.

[26:11]

so much love there, so much comfort there. And I really hope that we can maybe grow that more here. There's something about the whole thing of trying to be a good Zen person here. There's something that I feel You know, it's our faults and our funny bits that help us to connect rather than, you know, oh, it's our, you know, I'm so lovely that you'd want to know me. I actually think it's more our vulnerabilities that help us to connect. Anyway, I'm just trying to encourage you to be yourself. Be vulnerable, be open. Life's way too short to wait until you think you're acceptable.

[27:15]

I spent years and years and years of my life thinking I wasn't acceptable. All I can say is I couldn't call it a waste of time because it led to now. And I find myself quite acceptable now. Doesn't mean that anybody else does, but... I'm not so worried about that as I used to be. So I would encourage folks that if you're interested in this, this whole thing of how can you really arrive in the moment? How can you do this? How can you be this? I would encourage you to read the Alan Watts book, the section that's in the Mahayana Buddhism section. because it's very, very interesting. And I'm not a scholar. He's a great scholar, and he goes into details, which are quite wonderful.

[28:18]

So I would encourage everyone to read that one. And this poem always brings me to how I manage to be more accepting of myself. I'm not saying that I'm 100%, of course. There are still bits I don't like, but that's okay too. But I was trying to, you know, when you end up trying to share it with other people, how can you convey that? I mean, I could say, you're perfect, and you could say, no, I'm not. And it's like, oh, okay. How do you convey this? And how did it happen that it opened up for me? And actually it was calligraphy that opened it up for me. I think I learned more about Zen in the early years from calligraphy than from anything else. I like to be perfect.

[29:21]

You can't tell from looking at me but I do like to try and be perfect and in calligraphy the small teeny characters are actually easier to do. I found the Heart Sutra. There's one in the art lounge there if you want to look. The Heart Sutra is about this big and all these little characters going down. Oh, it looks so lovely. And I was very happy that I was able to do that when I first came here. I decided to not read but to do calligraphy. And then the wonderful teacher that was here, Terry Louie, one time said, I want you to splatter half and half milk on the paper and let it dry. And then the next week we got that paper with the half and half milk. And he said, okay, here's your piece to copy. Go ahead. So I stood there and I got the brush and I started. And as soon as the ink hit the dried milk, it went, you know, all over the place.

[30:25]

And I could, oh, I could feel it inside of myself. Oh, well, there it goes. Oh, pfft. You know, this is not going to be any good, you know. But in calligraphy, you don't stop. You wouldn't stop and say, eh-eh, throw it away. You keep going. So I just kept going, la-la-la-la-la-la, and every few seconds, ink all over the place, you know. And at the end, we always used to pin them up on the wall in the dining room and look at them to see, you know, how did it look. So we put it up there, and I'm looking at it, and I thought, Ah, gee, look at that. It was all just blub, blub, blub all over the place. It just looked awful. And Terry Louie, my wonderful calligraphy teacher, he came up and looked at it and he said, that's the best thing you've ever done. And I was like, that's the best thing I've ever done? What about my nice heart sutras? And then I realized what he was talking about.

[31:26]

It was much, much better than the other one because it was so free. Because I saw right away it wasn't going to be perfect and I gave up. So there's something in this in giving up. You give up on it, it was much more free. Then when he said that, I saw that. And that's a lovely thing if anyone again is interested to look into it. There's another few talks, Wabi Sabi, The Perfection of Imperfection. And realizing, he said we should exhibit your Heart Sutra and that blobby one side by side. And then people would see why that one was better than that one. He said it would be a great teaching. So it was authentic. It was messy. It was blobby, it was blobby, but it was real. And that's the wabi-sabi aesthetic.

[32:30]

And, of course, I haven't got... Oh, I'm going to stop in a minute. I haven't got time to go completely into that. Great book in the library or the bookstore. Wabi-sabi for artists and designers. But it's... Okay, very quick example. The moon, the full moon is beautiful. The full moon with a tree branch across it is much more interesting. It's like us, you know. If we all look like Ken and Barbie, it would be just terrible. It's that our wee eccentricities are big or whatever. It's our differences, you know. That's the part that makes us so perfect, you know. that wonderful guy, Leonard Cohen, who I saw live with my first boyfriend 40 years ago.

[33:35]

And boy, I thought he looked old then. Is he still alive, Leonard Cohen? Oh, good. Probably looks younger than me now. It's terrible. Every time I get on the bus these days, I get a seat. I don't know what it is. No illusions left. Sucking my stomach in makes no difference anymore. So this is from The Bells, Leonard Cohen. And here we go. I won't sing, don't worry. The birds they sang at break of day. Start again, I heard them say. Nor dwell on what has passed away. Or what is yet to be. The wars they will be fought again. The holy dove be caught again. Bought and sold and bought again. Until we set them free. And here's the verse that I love.

[34:38]

Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. I'll say that line again. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. The light behind to see. Add up the parts, not yours, the sum. Strike up the march, there is no drum. Every heart to love must come. Like a refugee. So that's... And there's the two lines that were a great help to me. Forget your perfect offering. Stop trying to be perfect. There's a crack in everything. That's what lets the light in. So I know it's terrible when people go beyond 8.30 and everybody's sitting there going, oh, it's time to go to bed. And I'd like some time for...

[35:41]

questions and so forth. Yes? Okay, two things. First, I got duck skinned when you started talking about the calligraphy story. Fantastic. I was wondering, we talked about the factually, it seems that greed is something that's maybe inherent in us. Greed for gold, greed for fame, greed for wanting to be good, greed for wanting to do good, whatever it is. What are your thoughts on greed? Because it seems like it can take all these different forms. And maybe for some people, greed is maybe doing bad things, hurting someone's feelings or something like that. What are your thoughts on greed? Well first I say sit Zazan because that gives you the space to look at it.

[36:48]

You know there's so many of what we think of as the afflictive emotions and I think trying to get rid of those is like trying to get rid of the hand off the end of your arm. You're not going to be able to do it. You can't make yourself into some kind of perfect person with all the right emotions. We could maybe improve, there's ways to improve, there are ways of working with all the emotions. But in general, I would say when you feel something come up like that in yourself, hold it lightly. It's like getting really angry. And sometimes you can get really, I mean, there's many, many ways to work with it, of course. But like getting angry, feeling, you know, like, oh, you know, you did such a terrible thing. To try and push something away like that, to me, it's like throwing a stone in the pond so the ripples go down.

[37:57]

It just doesn't help. So, you know, I used to like to think that I was never angry. Well, what a load of hooey that was. But it's. holding it lightly, not being dragged around by it, not having to act on it, you know. And if you do act on it, forgive yourself. Everybody gets angry, everybody gets greedy, everybody gets whatever, you know. So, yeah, don't add a head on a head, don't be at yourself for doing it. We're all like this. If we were really, I mean, is peace, for example, really achievable? If it were, how come we've never had a period in history, a period in human time when there's not been wars going on? So we have to hold it lightly because we're all like that. And we can work on it. You okay?

[39:03]

Well, thank you very much for coming. And just don't forget that you're the perfect you. Because there's no one else can be that but you. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue the practice of giving by offering your financial help. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May all beings be happy.

[39:41]

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