This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. And welcome on this sunny morning. Those of you who don't know, and I know some know it very well, because they're in the midst of it, we're on the last day of a seven-day meditation intensive. And yesterday evening, the end of each day, the last period of zazen each day, we sit and instead of facing the wall,

[01:01]

face into the room, face each other. And I was coming into the room, the zendo, and everybody was there. And it's quite a large group sitting, so all the walls were filled, all the central dividers were filled. And I'm coming in the door and seeing this just array of people sitting with such dignity, with such authority, with a nobility. You know, who knows what was going on inside them. In fact, I think sometimes Sometimes it's hard for us, you know.

[02:04]

We can't step outside and see ourself, you know. It's sometimes even, you know, as one of the teachers, I sit facing out all the time. But even that can become its own usual, you know. Just something in it all struck me. Some human quality we have, that we can have that kind of... Maybe it has us. Maybe it's much more accurate to say it has us. It's that sense of dignity and presence. It's innate to our way of being. And everyone was sitting like that.

[03:07]

And it was so striking. And, you know, the theme, or one of the themes of the week, in fact, the whole eight week intensive has been this very mind, this very heart mind, this very way of being is Buddha. And how that's... such an interesting dilemma for us as human beings. In some ways, the request of Zen practice is very simple. Just be what is. Do you have a choice? Just be yourself. Again, do you have a choice of the matter? And then the nature of Sashin, the kind of intensive, is to create a structure where each moment is asking something of you.

[04:21]

And as you explore that, as you respond to that, you discover that it's asking everything of you. that the very notion that you can stand separate and negotiate or take what you want and reject what you don't want. And in that request is each person struggles with it. Sometimes seeing everything but their own nobility and dignity and authenticity. But in that process, something is discovered, almost ironically, coincidentally.

[05:27]

You come to Shashin with a deep You wouldn't come otherwise. There's no great prize at the end of it. Although I suspect most of the people in this machine, some little voice, some little chirping bird is saying, this is the last day. And a certain levity. And maybe it's because they're all a little bit more enlightened. Or maybe something else. Or maybe some beautiful mix. So life asks something of us. And Chisín just makes it more blatantly so.

[06:36]

Our life's always asking something of us. And sometimes we give willingly and sometimes we don't. And then a very interesting thing happens as we continue exploring that process. In a way, and I would say a mysterious way, there's a process of integration. The willingness to give and the unwillingness to give. They start to find their relationship. we start to see this very mind is Buddha is asking us in a way something like do you trust the ability that's innate within you the ability to meet the world engage it to meet the moment to meet each person to meet yourself

[08:10]

But then it also includes, do you trust the ability to meet the part of you that says yes and the part of you that says no? The part of you that speaks, that engages with wisdom and courage. So it is. This is the moment. Sweet or sour, you know, saddled or unsettled This is the moment. And part of what Sashin does, it creates a, not only a blatant request, but a continuous request. And so you get to see, and then each day has more or less

[09:12]

This is the same pattern. In this machine, each day at 10.15, I come in and sat here and said something. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all the participants in the machine sat there and thought all sorts of things. Fantastic. Awful. Are we done yet? But the continuity, you know, it's like, when this stays the same, or as I was describing it yesterday, it's like, here's the straight line, and then each human being varies around the straight line as their want to do, given, the causes and conditions of what makes them the person they are.

[10:16]

And in the consistency, you see your own variation. Maybe one day you come in and you're eager to be present at the talk. The next day, you're kind of dreading it. And in your dread, you notice that your body's a little bit heavier. and your knees hurt a little bit more even before you've started to sit cross-legged. And how is all that integrated? How does that all... How could Buddha not hold all that we are? How could Buddha say, well, Buddha is 60% of you. The other 40%... has to be recycled. And the integration, I would say, is a mysterious process because in each moment,

[11:39]

Some fierce truth is being spoken by our being. And often we don't quite know what that truth is. Sometimes it says yes. It lets the body breathe and there's some affirmation of what it is to be alive. sometimes it says no. There's some abiding contraction, some hesitancy, some unsettledness. And the practice of Zen creates a curious proposition. It says this integration doesn't require that you plumb the depths of of yes and no. It asks of you to give, to give attention, to notice, to feel, to experience what the moment is.

[12:55]

And then what happens is not a knowing, but a realization. And the interesting thing, those moments of realization are happening all the time. A friend of mine, Brother David Stendler asked me a book written, I think, in the 50s or maybe even the 40s. And this psychologist had gone around and asked 400 high school students. had they had what they would call then a religious experience. 60% of them said yes. 60% of high school students said, yes, I've had a religious experience. Who of us hasn't been stopped in a moment and become it?

[14:11]

And maybe our practice is saying... How do we make ourselves available for those kinds of moments? How do we let those moments register in a way that they can be felt so deeply... something's realized about being alive. And Shishin says, okay, well, let me offer you a constructed reality that can facilitate that process. Just do what you're told. And you're going to be told what to do from early morning to late night.

[15:19]

And in theory, we say yes. And in practice, we say all sorts of things. And you get to hear yourself say all sorts of things. You get to be... and engage others doing all sorts of things. And then the other amazing quality of our practice is that, messy as that seems, and maybe if you're willing to allow that to offer some kind of integration of the different parts of us, there's also, it may be equally mysterious, a way in which it supports us to live our life. Somehow, in being the creatures that we are, getting what we want and avoiding what we don't want seems like the obvious way to support a human life.

[16:44]

How else would you do it other than striving for what you want and avoiding what you don't? And to do ourselves credit, I think most of us put thought into what we want. Maybe not as much as we should. Because sometimes our desire is quite foolish. And I would say as we reflect on it, we can infuse it with something more than just blind wanting. It can take on the hue of appreciation. a poem by Rilke where he starts and he says, I want too much.

[17:52]

I want everything. This exploration. And how as we qualified within to life instead of the urgency of give me it's like giving to life isn't it interesting that we say give attention give attention give attention give experiencing. Give breathing. Give hearing. Because attention is just the vehicle for the modalities of ways we experience.

[19:00]

And in those moments, where we have entered presence. Something enticed us, inspired us, demanded of us giving attention. And some something shifts in the architecture of our sense of being, our sense of self, our sense of what's important, what we should strive for, what we should strive to avoid. The whole matrix of it starts to rearrange itself and different agendas arise. And when you're foolish enough,

[20:13]

keep at this for a whole week. There's a wonderful kind of dilemma arises. You have your moments. Your moments of profound, sweet, yes. then some other voice, some other part of your being says, okay, enough of that. Let's get back to what's important. Let's get back to worrying what we need to worry about. And when am I going to get what I want? Let's get down to brass tacks. Let's get back to that. How long is this bloody thing going to go on?

[21:17]

And then you find this... And sometimes that voice is raging, and you go into the center. And mysteriously... Something in your body takes over and says, excuse me, but this is what it's about. And something in you says, so it is. very mind is Buddha.

[22:23]

It's like entering into a human life, exploring this mystery. And maybe we could say relishing the exploration rather than fretting over, well, when am I going to get all the right answers, or the right answer. And then, just to make matters worse, I spent the week talking about a fascicle from Dogen Zenji. An extraordinary And unfortunately, brilliant mind. And deeply dedicated practitioner. And he unpacked this notion.

[23:35]

Because what it leaves is within. What is this state of being that integrates, that gives attention? that stays upright in the midst of all the stuff that happens in every human life. I remember when I started to practice, I remember reading books that would say, if you do this, you count your breath, and then after a while your mind settles, and then you do this, and then after a while you become deeply calm, and then, like, you're done. And I remember thinking, well, I guess I'm just abnormal. That's what happens for everybody else, but that's not what's happening for me. And then I discovered, no, that was the ideal.

[24:38]

Or maybe if you stay in Chisheen long enough, all that. Somehow, I kept going. As I think we all do. Maybe not quite seeing what the request is. Maybe not quite seeing that as we meet the multiplicity of a human being, there is a process of integration. And in Zen, what is Buddha?

[25:43]

It really doesn't have that much to do with what's the idealized iconography that we should direct our attention to. In fact, in this classical, Dogen, quoting Nangaku, I'll spare you all the details. Nangaku says, when you sit Buddha, when you engage Buddha being, You kill Buddha. The idealized form that you say, I'm separate from that and that's right and I'm wrong and I need to be better and be like that.

[26:50]

When we enter into the stuff, the dynamic, expression of our human life. We literally, we forget the idea. So what? You're not meditating the way it says you should in the book. You're not having the right results. Forget it. Be what is in the moment. And it requires a certain amount of trust and confidence. And we earn that trust. We earn that trust by getting in there and working with the part of us that wants to just simply tighten and say, the only answer is no.

[28:00]

End of story. And we add a little crack of possibility by saying, well, that's this moment's answer. To be fully felt. To be fully engaged. That moment, as much as any other moment, allows us to become immersed in being. And this is one of the key ingredients in the integration of our being. In that immersion struggling to stay separate can be loosened up. In fact, sometimes it can be dropped completely. And one of the phrases I've been torturing the participants in Shishin with, in the spirit of endless repetition.

[29:16]

You know, about once a month, I get a letter from AT&T, you know, offering me their latest fabulously discounted package on, you know, a telephone, internet service, and cable TV, you know, and... And I admire the persistence. I'd rather not get any of it. It's like their advertising department has just said, listen, endless repetition. So in the flavor of that, I have been practicing repetition. Experience. the experience you're experiencing. Trying to say this as an action, possibility, that at the heart of our being, so-called our being, maybe if we allow our to include the whole world and everything else, there is aliveness.

[30:37]

There is an interactive process going on all the time. Can we give over to that? Can we be part of that? It's already happening. And as Dogen Zenji talks about Zazen, exploring that. As if to say, well, if it's already happening, how can it be such a challenge to be it? Why on earth would you need to structure a whole alternative reality, submit yourself to it, test yourself to your limits, the answer I would offer in the moment is, well, it seems to help.

[31:52]

Not to say, as Rumi would say, there's a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth. Yes, there's a thousand ways to enter the moment. But to experience, to give over, and learn from that. And Dogenzenji says, at the very moment, at the very instance of giving over, the notion of some idealized Buddha disappears. And he says, if you want to find this extraordinary luminosity. Be Buddha. And in the moments of being Buddha, we learn to trust that dimension, that aspect of human existence.

[33:13]

We can stand apart from it and admire it, appreciate it, approve of it. But it's asking us to get involved in the very essence of being alive. And that's not something we handle lightly. The exploration and experiencing of it teaches us Not only is it possible, not only does it not destroy us, it actually shifts the nature of being in a way, to use Dogenzenji's word, illuminates. And beyond. And then he goes on at an extravagant length and unpacks this.

[34:26]

And he says, study the deep meaning of being Buddha. And this translation uses the term kill. Kill Buddha. Investigate the fact that the function of being Buddha removes Buddha. And it's in this investigation, it's in this realization that a trust, a confidence, is nurtured in our being. And it's interesting in Shashin, because I would say, you know, it's my observation in myself and in others.

[35:32]

If everything went exactly the way you thought it ought to, you know, you come in, you said, oh yeah, the Zen, it's terrific, and all these good things happen. And it just went in that beautiful straight line. All sorts of learning wouldn't happen. And it's the learning that helps create the ground of the trust and the confidence. Not to say those beautiful moments when we're present, when something's illuminated, when something's realized, when something's released. Not in any way to say they are not also included.

[36:41]

Of course they are. But just to say that the so-called un-Buddha moments through it significantly. They help create the resilience. How we can see no can be engaged in a way that reveals yes. When we explore This word study, the Japanese word is naru, and it means learning by doing. So it's different from like academic or intellectual study. It's not saying think about it. It's saying do it and learn from what happens.

[37:46]

We study being Buddha. being Buddha, by rejecting being Buddha, by seeing the interplay of Buddha and rejecting Buddha, by seeing the workings of a human life, despite your well-intentioned efforts to sit there in all-inclusive serenity, is that when you stop, even subtle issues of control are creating the right experience. The integration, the process of finding harmony in what is comes forth.

[38:56]

Like we could say the lightness of this part of Shishin, you know, the last day. Maybe there is a significant part that says, well, it is the last day and it's gonna be over soon. Rather than be contained, the walls will come down and I will wander freely. Part of, I would say, what happens is that the internal walls come down. This trust and confidence starts to grow, starts to be realized. It offers a human life, a kind of hopefulness.

[40:15]

And I'm gonna end, because you know Tomé should end exactly at time. It's still Shishin. I'm going to end with a poem. Denise Labretoff, actually writing a poem inspired by a similar poem by Rilke. Life is strange and wonderful. It's about the way we give to the day and the day supports us. And how could we ever figure all that out? A certain day became a presence to me.

[41:26]

There it was confronting me. A sky, air, light, a being. And before it started to descend from the height of noon, it leaned over and struck my shoulder as if with a flat sword granting me honor and a task. The day's blow rang out, metallic, or it was I, a bell awakened. And what I heard was my whole self saying, and singing what it knew. I can. A certain day became a presence to me. There it was, confronting me, a sky, air, light, a being. And before it started to descend from the height of noon, it leaned over and struck my shoulder as if with the flight of a sword, granting me honor and a task.

[42:37]

The day's blow rang out. Metallic or it was I. A bell awakened. And what I heard was my whole self saying and singing what it knew. My whole self saying or singing what it knew. I can. I can. live this life. I can meet this life with all its variety of challenges and opportunities. I can find within this living how not to endlessly struggle, but to realize, realize being alive.

[43:52]

In the Zen world, this is Buddha beyond Buddha. This is the mysterious potential each of us is fully endowed with and each of us is challenged to realize. The very absurdity of Experience the experience. You're already experiencing it. What could be easier? You're already experiencing it. What could be easier than being yourself? Do you have an option? Did they run out? I can. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[45:10]

Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[45:33]

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