This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. I don't know about you, but this morning I had a terrible time staying awake. I was just struggling with trying not to fall all over Shosan. And, you know, I was straightening myself as much as I could and reaching up to the sky over the back of my head and breathing as deeply as I could. And I remembered a conversation I had with Katagiri Roshi when he was still here. when I was going through a problem like that.

[01:02]

I said, how do you stay awake? And he said, well, I straighten my back as much as I can, and I breathe as deeply as I can, and I open my eyes wide and look straight ahead. And he said, sometimes I pinch myself. Sometimes I pinch myself so much I turn green. I didn't... pinch myself. I have enough bruises without that, thank you very much, because I'm on Coumadin. It tends to make me bleed a little bit. But I really couldn't keep my eyes open. And then, you know, then comparative mind jumped in there and started beating up on me, you know. You, phony you, who the hell do you think you are? What are you doing sitting up there? But All you're doing is sitting session and giving a couple of lectures.

[02:05]

Shosan is doing the yoga class. My mind was all over the map. So I'd like to get back to the Mahasadipatthana Sutta and Suzuki Roshi's talk on breathing that Shosan mentioned yesterday, which I'd like to share with you. It's very short. He said, when we practice Zazen, our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. When we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. The inner world... is limitless and the outer world is limitless. We say inner world or outer world, but actually there's just one whole world.

[03:08]

In this limited world, our throat is like a swinging door. The air comes in and goes out, passing through a swinging door. which moves when we inhale and when we exhale. If you think, I breathe, the I is extra. There is no you to say I. What we call I is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale. It just moves. That is all. When your mind is pure and calm enough, to follow this movement, there is nothing, no eye, no world, no mind or body, just a swinging door. So when we practice Zazen, all that exists is the movement of the breathing.

[04:18]

But we are aware of this movement. You should not be absent-minded. But to be aware of the movement does not mean to be aware of your small self, but rather of your universal nature or Buddha nature. This kind of awareness is very important because we're usually so one-sided. Our usual understanding of life is dualistic. You and I this and that, good and bad, right and wrong. But actually, these discriminations are themselves the awareness of the universal existence. You means to be aware of them in the form of you. I means to be aware of them in the form of I. You and I are just swinging doors.

[05:26]

this kind of understanding is necessary. This should not even be called understanding. It's actually the true experience of life through Zen practice. So when we all concentrate on our breathing and we become a swinging door and we do something that we should do, something we must do. This is Zen practice. In this practice, there is no confusion. If you establish this kind of life, you have no confusion whatever. Tozan, or Dongshan, a famous Zen master said, he was the Chinese founder of the Soto school of which we... which Dogen brought from China to Japan.

[06:30]

Tozan, a famous Zen master, said, The blue mountain is the father of the white cloud. The white cloud is the son of the blue mountain. All day long they depend on each other without being dependent on each other. The white cloud is always the white cloud. The blue mountain is always the blue mountain. This is a pure, clear interpretation of life. There may be many things like the white cloud and the blue mountain. Man and woman, teacher and disciple. They depend on each other. But the white cloud should not be bothered by the blue mountain. Blue Mountains should not be bothered by the white cloud. They are quite independent and also dependent.

[07:38]

This is how we live and how we practice Azen. When we become truly ourselves, we just become a swinging door and we are purely independent of and at the same time dependent upon everything. Without air, we cannot breathe. Each one of us is in the midst of myriads of worlds. We are in the center of the world always, moment by moment. So we are completely dependent and independent. If you have this kind of experience, this kind of existence, you have absolute independence. You will not be bothered by anything. So when you practice Sazen, your mind should be concentrated on your breathing. This kind of activity is the fundamental activity of the universal being.

[08:41]

Without this experience, this practice is impossible to attain. Without this experience, this practice, it is impossible to attain absolute freedom. So the sutra, the Satipatthana sutra, focuses on awareness of breathing as awareness of the body. And once we have established a firm awareness of breathing, we want to look further at the body in and of itself.

[09:47]

So the sutra says, furthermore, when walking, the monk discerns, I am walking. When standing, he discerns, I am standing. When sitting, he discerns, I am sitting. When lying down, he discerns, I am lying down. Or however his body is disposed, that is how he discerns it. So once you become aware, fully aware and present in your body with your breath, you then begin to notice how you are with regard to the four noble postures they're called, standing, walking, sitting, and lying down. In other words, we just continue to notice what this body is doing, how this body is taking care of itself, how this body is moving in the world, relating to the world, as this body.

[11:06]

In this way, he remains focused internally on the body in and of itself or focused externally on the body in and of itself. Unsustained by or not dependent upon anything in the world or not clinging to. Unsustained by or not clinging to anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in and of itself. Furthermore, when going forward and returning on a walking path, it's traditional to have a walking path, just like walk to one end of it, turn around, walk back, turn around, walk back, turn around, walk back. So furthermore, when going forward and returning, he makes himself fully alert. When looking toward and looking away, he makes himself fully alert.

[12:15]

When bending and extending his limbs, he makes himself fully alert. When carrying his outer cloak, the upper robe and his bowl, he makes himself fully alert. When eating, drinking, chewing and savoring, when urinating and defecating, he makes himself fully alert. When walking, standing, sitting, falling asleep, waking up, talking and remaining silent, he makes himself fully alert. In this way, he remains focused internally on the body in and of itself or focused externally on the body. in and of itself, not dependent upon, not unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in and of itself.

[13:19]

So when you are making this effort, you will be distracted by many things, as I was totally distracted this morning by falling asleep and trying to wake myself up. And just thinking, you know, how can I wake up and benefit beings if I can't even keep my body awake and erect? I'm going to fall off the ton. I wonder if Vicki's going to have to catch me. Does anybody else have this kind of problem? So we have to be serious about waking up and we also have to

[14:37]

be a little lighthearted with ourself as well or else we just get too depressed we don't want to do that that's not going to help anybody it's not going to help you and it's not going to help me but still we want to notice okay let's come back home and try again let's come back home and try again let's come back home and try again We don't want to give up. We just want to keep working at waking up for the benefit of all beings. I mean, part of what I was saying to myself this morning, how can you take the bodhisattva vow and lie around falling asleep on your cushion like this? How can I chant the A.K. Kosovo's gone moment? We vow with all beings from this life on throughout countless lives to hear the true Dharma, that upon hearing it no doubt will arise in us, nor will we like in faith, that upon meeting it we shall renounce worldly affairs and maintain the Buddha Dharma, and in doing so the great earth and all living beings together will attain the Buddha way.

[15:57]

What an aspiration. can I let it kind of push me along till I wake up? He says at the end, quietly explore the farthest reaches of these causes and conditions as this practice is the exact transmission of a verified Buddha. Confessing and repenting in this way, one never fails to receive profound help from all Buddhas and ancestors. By revealing and disclosing our lack of faith and practice before the Buddha, we melt away the root of transgressions by the power of our confession and repentance. This is the pure and simple color of true practice of the true mind of faith, of the true body of faith.

[17:02]

So having met this great matter, having been inspired by some of the great teachers, our work is just to keep coming back again and again to making our best effort on each moment. The first time I ever heard Suzuki Roshi give a talk, he said, Zen is... Zen is making your best effort on each moment forever. And so I took that as my definition of what I was doing. He also said... you should practice with no gaining idea.

[18:07]

And I looked at those two together and I said, what kind of effort do you make with no gaining idea? I've never made an effort without a gaining idea. I always expect to get something from whatever I do. So that was my big go on. I'm still working on it. I'll let you know if I ever find out what it is to make effort with no gaining idea, but I'm trying. The implication of that is that there's nothing to gain, that we're already complete just as we are, which he also said many times. It's very hard for us to hear that. Somehow, We get the notion early on that we're not quite good enough.

[19:11]

There's something lacking in our effort. I don't know how it happens, but we do. As a matter of fact, one teacher, Sherry Huber, wrote a book. The title is, No Matter What You've Been Taught to Believe, There's Nothing Wrong with You. And this, of course, is what Suzuki Roshi is also saying here. You are, in this moment, Buddha, but we have to wake up to it. We have completely the mind of awakening, but we have to wake up to it. We have to learn to express it in the world, in our activities of body, speech, and mind. And for that reason, we also have to be awake enough to see what are activities of body, speech, and mind on each moment.

[20:18]

Is this an activity that I want to continue? Is this activity beneficial to beings? Is this activity harmful? What is my aspiration? How do I want to live this life? When you find out that your life is impermanent, It becomes very important to find out how best to live this precious life that's been given to us. This life is a gift. Purely and simply a gift. How are we going to express it? How are we going to use it? How are we going to act in the world on each moment in such a way that we can benefit beings, in such a way that we can help people relinquish the suffering that comes with impermanence.

[21:22]

And yet, as Zuckier said, it would be a really big problem for us if our life were not impermanent. If we lived forever, it would be a big problem. so as we go forward in the sashim let's just keep coming back and coming back

[23:10]

and coming back to our intention to wake up to benefit beings, to our awareness of this body in this moment, of this mind in this moment, of these feelings in this moment, to keep coming back to what's happening right here, right now, in this body and mind. In that way, if we see some feeling or intention or emotion that's coming up, we can decide if we want to give it our attention feed it our energy, and express it.

[24:15]

Or if it's something that is not beneficial for ourselves or for others, and let it go. And not cling to anything. Just as it arises, if it seems beneficial, then let it arise. If it seems harmful, notice it and let it go. And often you can notice it in your body. You will notice some tightening somewhere in your body. Pay attention to that when it happens and say, oh, is this something not to do, not to say, not to continue? Or is this something that feels wholesome and helpful and something I want to actually bring to fruition by my actions of body, speech, and mind?

[25:21]

Our actions of body, speech, and mind are very important. They determine what our experience will be. So we want to really work on cultivating this mindfulness, this staying with what's going on in the moment as it's happening, so we don't get caught with, oh, why did I say that? Why did I do that? Wish I hadn't said that. Wish I hadn't done that. If we're a little more alert, we can catch it before it's done instead of regretting it after it's done. If we're a little more alert, we can see the possibility of something wholesome that we can do and decide to do it.

[26:29]

So that's what we're working on, is that kind of alertness, that kind of presence, that kind of seeing something as it first arises before we've actually put all of our energy and intention into it. And noticing, is this how I want to be in the world? It's up to me, how do I want to be? We really don't have anyone else to blame for it. We don't have anyone else to take responsibility for it. We want to take responsibility ourselves completely for all of the actions of body, speech, and mind that occur here, in this being, in this moment. And we want them to be actions that we really feel

[27:37]

are helpful. It's not somebody else's idea that we would like to live a life that is beneficial. It comes from inside of us. It comes from our already innate connection with everything. We are born with this connection with everything and we express it through every action of body, speech, and mind. Can we meet whatever occurs with our full attention, with our heart as well as our ideas? Can we be present for this life as we live it? This is the whole point of mindful awareness. is to be able to live our life truly as we wish to live it and not to be pushed off our cushion by old habits of thought that have not done us any good in the past.

[29:04]

If you see some old habit and you notice it as a harmful habit, You know, what is it they say is... I can't remember now what word, but doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is said to be sort of the description of stupidity, maybe. If you've done something before and the outcome was not so good, pay attention if you see that inclination arise. and say, oh, been there, done that, didn't work very well, let's leave it alone. Just catch yourself in that moment before you've said whatever it is, before you've done whatever it is. And be grateful that you noticed, oh, this is, I remember, this is what I don't want to do.

[30:11]

So that's why we train ourselves to be alert and aware of what's happening right now in this moment so that we have some control over it, so that we don't do something stupid. And then beat ourselves up about it. It's pretty simple, but it's not easy. Our habits are very strong. So let's go back to the zendo with renewed intention to see what's happening right now and be in control of how we live our life so that we can, in fact, take the bodhisattva vow with full sincerity. Beings are numberless. I vow to awaken with them. Illusions are inexhaustible. They'll keep coming up.

[31:14]

Still, I vow to end them. I'll keep trying. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to enter them. The Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to become it. This is our aspiration. How will we help each other to meet that aspiration? Let's all work together. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[32:18]

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