This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. You never know what will happen if you get too close to being alive. You know, it's my own notion that we have a deep ambivalence about being awake and being present. We revere it. We hold up its profundity and its excellence, but at a safe distance. Just for a change, we'll start with Mary Oliver.

[01:04]

Bless the fingers, for they are as darling as fire. Bless the little hairs on the body, for they're softer than grass. Bless the hips, for they are cunning beyond all other machinery. Bless the mouth, for it is the describer. Bless the tongue for it is the maker of words. Bless the eyes for they are the gift of the angels for they tell the truth. Bless the shoulders for they are a strength and a shelter. Bless the tongue for when working it has godly grip. Bless the feet for their knuckles and their modesty. Bless the spine For it is the whole story. When my grandson was about 14 or 15 months, having had the wondrous realization of learning to stand up

[02:28]

and walk and having a deep sense of the amazing possibility of being mobile, of having a vista that could go on forever. We were working together the backyard, moving soil. He was very eager to be an active participant in what was going on. So I made a pile of soil and I said to him, move that pile from there to there.

[03:30]

You know, good sand work. And he dutifully would go over, take another handful, double handful, have it over and put it there. And this was about just right on the edge of his manual dexterity, his capacity to stay upright while carrying a load, his ability to focus on a task, And so he was immersed in doing. He was immersed in participating, being part of whatever the heck was going on and taking up soil in the backyard. But he could experience being completely part of it. And he was doing this for a long time. maybe five minutes.

[04:32]

And he stopped and he just quivered with exaltation, the intensity, the immensity, the beauty of being and doing. I said to him, so it is, so it is. He declined to put words in, not having too many at the time. This is the magnificence of being we were born into.

[05:38]

This is how close we were to what practice is trying to reintroduce us to. This is the state of joy that we once knew intimately. that we lived in a nothing special way while also being extraordinarily special worthy of blessing every part of it now he's much older he's almost two and a half and Thomas the blue engine become a much more appealing notion and concept and image.

[06:40]

But even so, it strikes me that somewhere that being and doing in that unadulterated way still resonates yesterday I was talking about a phrase that Kaz Tanahashi translates Abdelvin Zenji's resonating with the way and this notion as we engage more intimately and fully into the notion of needing to save ourselves from being battered around by the storms of our karmic formation

[08:01]

starts to loosen up. There's patches of blue in those stormy skies. Those waves don't seem to swamp us so thoroughly all the time. In fact, there are moments of relative quiet. And I was suggesting invite them in even if they're wrong way seconds respite from the storm and appreciating the way in which Spirits, consciousness can go back and forth.

[09:12]

Stormy, calm, preoccupied, destructive, at ease, joyfully present. and from a little distance we want more of the calm and less of the disturbance as we get a little closer we see this disturbance we see the way it courses through the body and through the mind we see how it constructs. And tantalizingly, we start to see what calm constructs.

[10:19]

We start to see with the calm meeting of the moment, there's a quality where each things itself that moving a pile of dirt is the whole world it's all the real we start to get a taste, flavor an inclination of this is life right here right now it's not anybody else you get that inclination that glimpse and it resonates with the moments from birth that spoke of that same truth that same realization

[11:37]

This is life, here, now. Bless it, curse it, analyze it, exult in it. This is it. And I would say, in this resonating with the way, Study. Look carefully at what it is to allow it to be what it already is. What is it to let the breath breathe? What is it to feel the feeling that's happening? What is it to notice the thought that's being constructed?

[12:46]

Dogen's end, he says, to study the way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. Forget all the fixed notions about what that is or what that should be. Forget the overarching labels, good, bad. Sometimes I ask, what's happening in Zazen? It's good, okay? It's good, what's happening? Does that statement mean I approve. I'd like to be able to approve of what's happening. I have no idea what's happening, but in summary, I'll say it's good.

[13:57]

It hasn't killed me, and I'm thankful you'll still be alive. And I consider that good. To others, it may seem this savoring, allowing, engaging the moment in which our karmic formations are not in such a turmoil. engaging those quieter more available moments has a precious place in our practice on one hand we could say they facilitate healing the

[15:21]

sometimes to our own surprise as we release we see more clearly the ways in which we persistently cling and agitate and there's in that moment of release there's this compassion for our own process, sometimes tinge with some sadness. It's said when Shakyamuni awakened, he saw not simply his own process, but this as the pervasive process of the human condition in a cyclical, self-reinforcing way. as they say in the prison system, hurt people, hurt people.

[16:31]

Imposing it on ourselves, imposing it on others. And we glimpse, we taste it, we feel it in our body. made me move to offer a blessing. Blessed be the sign of the traffic. As it invites me back to here. blessed be the taste of the morning cereal it's more nourishing and reassuring and this healing this reassurance

[17:59]

invites us. It supports us to take up the request of practice. And we can start to take it up in a more matter-of-fact manner. Sometimes in that we say, nothing special. Just sit with this human body, this human breath, this human mind, this human heart. When it's at ease, be ease. When it stirs up a fiery emotion, be nice.

[19:08]

When it grasps an erotic desire, notice. Notice the energy of it, the imagery of it, the yearning of it, the desire for connectedness. an old, painful memory. Allow anything and everything to become now. Dugansenji continues, he says, resonating with the way, arising the thought of awakening.

[20:13]

And in his own words, the awaken, awaken the conditioned existence. We awaken to the contraction of karmic conditions the softening, the release when they're not grasped. And this is what we study. We study by being. We are what is being studied, the workings of the self, the study of self. As we taste and see that the contraction

[21:35]

maintains, sustains, perpetuates affliction. It distracts us. It presents a way of seeing the world that's biased in an unhelpful way. It gets held in the body and in the harsh In a way, it causes pain. As we start to see this, arousing the intention of release. And it invites us into a closer relationship.

[22:49]

Maybe we'd rather study it at arm's length. Maybe we'd rather watch other people do it. And nod approvingly. Hmm, very good. Please continue. But as it invites us closer, we give up something. There's both a renunciation, a release, the way we grasp, the way we hold our karmic patterns. And in Zazen we start to see more intimately what's being asked to stay present and not get carried away by what's coming up.

[23:58]

It's not any different from what we've known probably from the first time he did Zazen. But now we're closer to it. Now we're tasting the request. Now we can almost see the difference between letting the side come here and going away with the side. Letting the side come here and being yourself and going and having associated ideas and feelings around your side. I thought for a moment that that was a sign of one of those dump trucks that's being loaded up down where they

[25:16]

You see, extension used to be down in Laguna. They're tearing the place down so they can rebuild them. Not to say that sequence of thoughts can't be held in awareness. But the mind needs to be well-ruled for that to happen. well-rooted enough. And as it associates, it will tend to draw in its golden augers, its favorite things to associate with. It will tend to bring in

[26:19]

the bias of like in this one. But even when it does, enormous permission. The strange paradox of shikantaza. Staying present not as an expression of control. How could that be? Is the question of this. We have the technique of practice, attention to body, attention to breath, attention to the particulars of body, arising the alignment the inviting in, the releasing, all these particulars.

[27:25]

But remembering something in us has always known how to pause in the middle of moving a pile of dirt and stand up straight in celebration. A few weeks ago, my grandson went into the backyard, paused, sighed, and then sang a little song that he needed. Actually, he sang a song and did a dance at the same time. And they went in. And I thought, being the fool that I am,

[28:37]

something hasn't been forgotten something in us knows something in us has experienced freedom something in us affirms the arising And the preoccupations, the distractions, the issues of control and avoidance, they're just habits that have grown up, that have become intertwined in the course of our life. someone wrote in one of their questions can karma also be considered dharma?

[30:13]

of course Dharma has different meanings. Two meanings are momentary existence, the expression of momentary existence, and the teaching. And they go together. When karma creates a moment, the moment is illuminated with awareness. It's teaching. When the habit energy creates something and it's eliminated with awareness, it's an illustration, it's an expression of now. Like this. But there is a way, just like in the working of my grandson, the practice is asking us to get closer than our ideas about what it is.

[31:42]

And this is the great benefit of being in Shishima. we can give over to something we can be the doing of it without having to formulate why this is such a great idea or how exactly it should happen we're in the flow of something that's happening and we can be the happening We can devote ourselves to watching the magic of being alive. When you start to pay close attention, see, I'm in the same building I was in yesterday. I'm following the same schedule I was following yesterday. But in another way, it's completely different.

[32:49]

Even the self is different. The feeling in lecture today is not the feeling that was here yesterday for me. It just feels a little different. The way our bodies are arranged influences, affects how it is for us. drawing ourselves in with the curiosity. After resonating with the way, arousing the aspiration of enlightenment, taking refuge in the great way

[33:58]

of the ancestors devote yourself to the practice of way-seeking mind it's like we lift ourselves up out of this sort of dreamy intrigue. We're sort of entranced by our own creations. Start to glimpse and taste and find our presence in now. And as we do that, as we see, start to glimpse the The workings of habit energy.

[35:00]

As we start to glimpse it, to hold it with a certain clarity. Or a certain... Like it's one long poem. Home expresses something. But it's not asserting a fixed view. It's just a possibility. I would suggest now that maybe you'll find

[36:00]

some accommodation to your new life now as you find some accommodation to the the arisings of your conditioned life is that so? is that so? in the world of Zen famous story about Hakala. He's accused of having fathered a child with a girl in the village. He just says, is that so? Six months later, after he's had to live, take care of the infant for six months, of course, in its own way, a great blessing for him. After six months, the girl confesses, no, no, it wasn't him. It was my boyfriend, but I didn't want to expose him. People rush to Akkavan and say, what a saint, you know?

[37:08]

You just accepted all this put in front of you and didn't defend yourself? What an amazing practitioner, marvelous, open, patient person. He said, is that so? To meet your own horizons like this, Oh my God, this period of Zazen is going to kill me. This period of Zazen is going to kill me. Is that so? How does it feel now that your death is imminent? Or maybe after lunch just stroll leisurely into the courtyard feeling at ease and you think I think I'm enlightened I think I've done it I think this is it I'm present I'm at ease allowing what arises to arise and what falls away to fall away I think that's enlightening

[38:34]

Is that so? In a way, a more intimate form of non-attachment. The arising of our karmic life. Is that so? It helps us not to set forth on this noble road journey of needing to conquer the good and evil of our own constructs. Is that so? We start to experience that equanimity

[39:36]

It's not a static uprightness. It's a movement with what comes up. This draws you forward. This pushes you by. It inclines towards contraction. This inclines towards opening. Okay. That's how it ends. in the non-hatchment it's not so sticky it's not so inevitable that we're going to spend the next ten minutes wrestling with what has arisen it's not so necessary that

[40:42]

Awareness arises under a discrete set of ephemeral conditions. It's like sitting in zaza and diligently holding yourself in place until you can't stand it. and you have to move. And then you've suffered a great failure. You've fallen from the virtuous pedestal of right practice. If you say so. Is that so? Or now this practice, now moving practice, now resting practice, not resembling other posture practice.

[41:46]

Continuous contact. Can we bless ourselves with that disposition? Can we allow ourselves that permission? and see that right within it, there can be a steadfast dedication. But it's not demanding. It's not rigid. It doesn't know what's supposed to happen. And it doesn't judge what does happen. A rousing, place-seeking mind. And when we lose track of that intrinsic freedom, pause, notice, experience, return.

[42:59]

Let the breath be your ally. Sometimes it's helpful just to exhale. Not suppression. not pushing away, but just the way you're tightening in the middle of it. It just is what it is. It's just an arising now that's being responded to like this. This is what we studied. contracting, releasing. And now becomes more accessible, becomes more inviting.

[44:04]

The notion of living here less intimidating and more acceptable. This is to study the way, to study the self, to study and arouse this intrinsic being of now. that we knew all about when we were one. We knew all about it when we were one. Just decided I should answer some of these. How do I find out what's being asked of me?

[45:15]

listen, feel, what comes up for you, what pulls you off into unawareness, and what invites you back to awareness. Lucian Hiroshi says, ultimately Jiju is our mind, is the one total act of living our whole life in a way that holds life most precious. Do you agree? What does this mean? How do I live my life in a way that holds life as most precious? Repeat that question very slowly to yourself. So you can really hear what an extraordinary question it is.

[46:26]

And ask yourself, do you really want to know the answer to that question? This is arising the thought of awakening. When a cold breeze is blowing through the zendo and my body is shivering, what type of no thought may I have that will bring warmth to my body and mind? one way we could say oh you would like it to be the way you would like it to be let go of practice when it's hot let the heat kill you when it's cold let the cold kill you

[47:38]

That's an ideal. And the more subtler question for us, how do we accommodate within the life we're living, how do we accommodate the ideal? Sometimes it's put on a sweat. if you're shivering from the cold. Sometimes it's explore the workings of cold, how it affects the body, and how in working the body and the breath, the mind, there can be a release But please remember that awakening does not require special accomplishments.

[49:12]

If the light bulb does not need to be changed, Why did you twist your own... How many Zen students does it take to change a light bulb? I didn't twist my ankle. I smacked it on a piece of concrete. Why did I do that? Well, it's a long story. I didn't intend it. Maybe that's enough. Well, let me go back to Mary Oliver. What I've been trying to say today is, in the matter of factness,

[50:26]

that staying with our practice brings forth. It can be a soft dedication. It doesn't have to have the drama that we bring to practice when we're bringing more karmic agendas. Just What else would you do with the human life except be present? What else would you do with the human life except breathe and be done? Excuse me, I lost my voice. Bless the fingers, for they are as darting this fire.

[51:58]

Bless the little hairs on the body, for they are softer than grass. Bless the hips, for they are cunning beyond all machinery. Bless the mouth, for it is the describer. Bless the tongue, for it is the maker of words. Bless the eyes, they are the gift of the angels, for they tell the truth. Bless the shoulders, for they are a strength and a shelter. Bless the thumb, for when working it has a godly grip. Bless the feet, for their knuckles and their modesty. Bless the spine, for it is the whole story. with a matter of factness.

[53:10]

It's happening now. Letting it teach you that life is worth living. Maybe it's even more worth living than it is making up stories about. Maybe. When better time to explore this. When better time to discover what it is that we want from this love.

[54:19]

This is Weisikimanda. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[54:52]

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