This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I'm Chris Fortin. For those of you who don't know me, some of you I know, some of you I've known for a long, long time. San Francisco Zen Center in my 20s, for a good number of years, lived at Tassajara. I was actually married here. My son was born at Green Gulch. I was a guest cook during the Tassajara summer season. I've been a guest here. I practice now with Everyday Zen in the Bay Area, and I also lead a couple of sitting groups up in Sonoma County.

[01:11]

But most importantly, and why I'm here this week, is I'm here with Veterans Path. I'm here with maybe... you've seen us and passed us on the path, I'm sure you have. 24 of us? 24 current era women veterans, Iraq, Afghanistan, and other deployments and places of where they've served women. Lee and I Lee Lesser and I, Lee who also lived here, started Veterans Path eight years ago. Actually, it was called Honoring Path of the Warrior back then. In what seemed and still seems like an appropriate response to the suffering of the world and our shared humanity and our shared responsibility.

[02:28]

of how do we live and be here in this world. So I want to just start by just bowing to these amazing women. Lee and I founded The first retreat we ever did, one veteran showed up. We had no background with veterans at all, and we mostly just sort of sat there and shifted around in our seats and looked uncomfortable. And all Lee and I had to offer were our practices, which was Lee has sensory awareness or mindfulness, and I had a long meditation practice. And you would think now at this point it wouldn't have been surprising, but just sort of jumping in and Telling somebody to sit down and be quiet for half an hour or, you know, to be mindful is especially when you've served and in many cases served in roles of combat and in quite difficult situations.

[03:40]

The veterans have taught us a lot really kindly and really humbly along the way. Now, this is our seventh year at Tassajara. And the word refuge, the older I get, the more I practice, the more I've been with my own suffering, the suffering of the veterans, the suffering of the world and the current state of the world. Refuge, maybe before, used to sound just like a word or a concept. And... Tassajara is a refuge that brings tears to me, actually. Some place where people can leave the world and come and feel their own lives and their own body and breath and remember their own wholeness in whatever way you are here.

[04:48]

I know how hard the people at Tassajara work during the summer. I just have nothing but the deepest respect for your service. I know the joy of being a guest, and I know the profound healing quality of the air and the mountains and the kindness and the Blue Jays. One of our vets said the Blue Jays was attacking her in all the way that the Blue Jays do here, and she said, you stop that. Don't you know I have post-traumatic stress? Not surprisingly, the Blue Jays didn't pay attention. Cindy learned how to speak up for herself. So when I look around and see so many people here practicing, it seems to me practice has always been important.

[05:52]

It's been passed down through the generations. You can feel it here in the bones of this place, and the world needs practice so deeply right now. The longer I've lived, it's amazing to have a human body and a human life, not to be taken for granted. It passes way faster than you can even begin to imagine. And it's not so easy being a human being. And it's so clear to me how much we need each other. And we need our own deep and committed hearts. We need each other to help us come back.

[06:53]

over and over to investigate and know and heal our own divided hearts and the way that we project it out into the world. So we have big work to do. And the beautiful, wonderful thing about this practice is it's just one breath, one step at a time together, and we hold each other up. And when I forget, you'll remember and remind me. And maybe my practice will help someone else remember to keep coming back and to keep investigating our hearts and our minds so that more and more we can create the world together that we all know is possible and true. I heard somebody say that in the dining room, someone said, so what's the topic of the talk?

[07:56]

So we'll see what the topic of the talk is. My most favorite topic, and I suspect it will rotate, revolve, roll around, is bodhisattva practice. And most particularly these days, I've been interested in Buddhism as a faith practice, which I think we don't talk about. a whole lot. It's not faith in something, but deep faith, the deep faith of giving ourselves over and over again, of not turning away from pain or suffering or the truth of our lives or impermanence, not turning away from goodness, our inherent wholeness, and maybe most importantly, faith in our interconnectedness, that each conscious act we make, our devotion in each moment really does change and heal the whole world.

[09:05]

That's all. That's all we have to do. And it's very big work. So I wanted to start with, we've been meeting down in the meeting hall, but we've also been dividing up into small groups. And the small group that I've been with has been in the Kaisando, which is Suzuki Roshi's founder's hall. So we've been sitting there with Suzuki Roshi this week, and I want to believe that he's been witnessing and helping. So I wanted to read something from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. It's amazing to me how this really simple book, and probably many of you have this experience, and if you haven't, I would recommend it, is it's one of those books that you just pick up over and over and over, and it's amazing how it just keeps opening and opening. What an amazing...

[10:11]

At different times in my life, different chapters or different phrases have just arisen and become alive in a new way for me. So most recently, I've been really appreciating the chapter called Breathing. So I'm just going to read you a little bit of it. Suzuki Roshi says, when we practice zazen, when we practice meditation... But I would say, and more and more have the experience of, you know, when I was young, Zazen, you know, you sit down, you do Zazen, you get up and then you go on and do whatever you think you're doing that maybe this has something to do with it and maybe it doesn't. But Zazen to me is, it's so much a way of life. Zazen, body. When we practice zazen, our mind always follows our breathing.

[11:12]

When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. And when we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. The inner world is limitless, and the outer world is also limitless. We say inner world or outer world, but actually, There is just one whole world. There is just one whole world. In this limitless world, our throat is like a swinging door. The air comes in and goes out like someone passing through a swinging door. If you think I breathe, the I is extra. There is no you to say I. What we call I is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale.

[12:17]

It just moves. That is all. When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing, no I, no world, no mind, nor body, just a swinging door. When we become truly ourselves, we become just a swinging door. And we are purely independent of and at the same time dependent upon everything. Without air, we cannot breathe. Each one of us is in the midst of myriads of worlds. We are in the center of the world always, moment after moment. So we are completely dependent and independent. And we are human beings.

[13:29]

And we have a very strong compulsion, in case you haven't noticed, to think that we can know and possess our lives. We can possess our lives and our loves and our identities and even our possessions. And we're trying all the time to nail it down and grab hold of it. And in some way, whether it becomes a little more subtle with practice, but we are, in one way or another, trying to get this world to cooperate with our agendas. It's very humbling being a human being. That's my experience. So the gap between this swinging gate, alive, moving world, this beating heart, flowing blood, Tassajara Creek streaming world, and our deep human being, efforts to be happy, to create a world that's happy for ourselves.

[14:46]

A world of picking and choosing is also where suffering happens, the gap between this alive world and the world that we're trying to make into this or that. That's me or mine or you. And we make often ourselves and we make others other. We forget that my happiness is completely interdependent with your happiness and there's no beginning and there's no end. There's a beautiful saying, one of the wonderful things about being in a lineage. It's like the lineage of the rocks and the rock. I walk down the path and you can feel the lineage of all the people who have built the rock walls and people who have cared for the zendo. But the lineage of Dogen and ancestors Sekido.

[16:00]

So here's a beautiful quote, I think. We know, Dogen, take the backward step and shine the light within. Just keep coming back. Just keep coming back into this body, coming back into this breath, coming back into this moment. Don't miss this moment. Whatever, we've got our little flashlight lights shining out there trying to figure out or get it or whatever we're doing in here with our little... judgmental picking and choosing minds that, of course, we're picking and choosing is just keep choosing to come back into body and breath over and over again here with the whole world. Sekito, the Sando Kai, says it in a different way. He says, turn the light, turn around the light to shine within and then just return. Let go of hundreds of years and relax completely.

[17:06]

Open your hands and walk innocent. And in this moment, we can let go of hundreds of years of conditioning and confusion and war and the perpetuation of all the things that we fear and want to wake up in right here. Just keep coming back. Because it's completely pure and open and free in this moment. No matter what we're carrying, no matter what our judgments about ourselves are, no matter what the hurts and wounds in our hearts are, the minute we come back, it's wide open. We were talking today with the veterans about authenticity, the importance of living an authentic life.

[18:13]

It's right here. And we have absolutely, I have absolutely no idea how to do it or what it is. I've lived long enough to... have some thoughts and ideas, but just know that if I can show up, and if I can show up with all of you, and if I can show up in this valley and going up and down the road and back into the world and into the world of news and into the world of wherever the world takes us. Humility, the root word of humility is humus, which is earth. To just keep coming back down to earth. Which is, interestingly enough, the same root word of humor. That when we come back down to earth and into this human body and into all of our foibles and all of...

[19:24]

our lunacy, private and collective. I think if we really do pay attention, there is Suzuki Roshi, one of the quotes I love is something like, what we are doing is far too serious to take ourselves too seriously. We do lighten up, we get a little kinder, a little more accepting, of our life and life and all of its pain and imperfection and beauty become more vulnerable. One of the things I love about the Veterans Retreat, I always think we should take a before and after picture of all of us. It's just watching people's faces and bodies change and open. Vulnerability. We work so hard to protect. And we need to. I mean, in certain situations, it would be foolish to... We need discerning wisdom, but the ground of vulnerability coming back over and over again to, I don't know, but here I am, willing to meet and be met, willing to do our best...

[20:52]

Let go of some fixed result about what it's going to look like or should look like. To learn from our mistakes because there's just no way. Life is one constant mistake. We're going to fall down on the ground and get up by the ground. That's practice. And the wonderful thing is, is that everybody around us is going to keep teaching us. And people are going to teach us through their kindness and their generosity, but they're also going to teach us just by being exactly who they are and who we are, and we're going to bump into each other, and then we're going to get to meet each other and talk to each other and become more and more tender and receptive to forgive ourselves, to practice forgiveness for another. And I think more that we need to, that what happens is we also forgive the world little by little for being what it is. Awaken a sense of gratitude, of wonder, curiosity, surprise and possibility.

[22:00]

Compassion naturally arises. If we're vulnerable, we're going to be tenderized in this life if we pay attention. And then there's just a natural outflow of it's so wonderful to watch what happens over the course of a retreat and this retreat is people just begin to be more generous and kind, beginning with themselves. We're probably the ones we're the hardest on. And when we can take the backward step into the warmth and light of our own deep heart, it naturally shines forth because that's our true nature. Simply taking care, doing our best, simple, warm-hearted living, respect for ourselves and others,

[23:06]

being willing to let go of what we think and who we think we are and what we think the world should or shouldn't be over and over again. And I'm saying this for all of us, and I'm also, I know we've been practicing it with Veterans Path, and I also, I just have such deep appreciation for everybody at Tassajara heading into the long summer months of being of service. Just keep coming back. And really, really trusting, having faith that what you're doing matters and ripples way beyond this valley. So I want to say something about faith. I had somebody walk out on me a few months ago because it's like Buddhism wasn't a faith tradition. And the older I get... Oh, I was going to say Norman Fisher's book, Training in Compassion, you know, with the Lojong.

[24:10]

It's a great book. And if you don't know it, it's a wonderful book. And he's retranslated some of the Lojong phrases. And the one that I love the most is do good. Try to be a good person. I mean, just fundamentally, whatever you think this practice is, is just try to be a good person. Just try to be kind and present. Try to do no harm. Do good. Appreciate your lunacy. And pray for help. If you don't know, kindly, well, I'll talk about me. I've lived long enough to know that I can't believe the stuff that goes through my head and heart sometimes. And I've practiced a long time. But to appreciate it, it's like, oh my goodness, here we all are. And we have such deep hearts.

[25:12]

And look at all of us. We're all at Tassajara practicing. We're trying to be really good people. And woof, man, it can happen like that. If you can appreciate it with the sense of, oh, this is what it is to study being a human being, to study being a self, together with the Blue Jays and the stream and all of the... wars and the craziness and the woundings and the traumas of just then nothing arises but more and more compassion and tenderness and the awareness that if you think you're going to get this together and do it by yourself and you don't need all of these other lunatics here and in the world to help you it's just more suffering so I only have a couple of minutes but what I wanted I found a I'd never seen it. Katigiri Roshi has a wonderful book. I don't know if it's here. I think it's called Return to Silence or Return to Silence.

[26:14]

And he talks about the 10 stages of faith. So I'm just going to give you the 10 stages, and I'm sure you'll remember all of it. And then when you get confused, you can just have faith in coming back to, he says, we have to do is live. Just live your life and follow these 10 steps one by one and your delusions will fall away and drop off naturally. You will naturally shine like a bodhisattva and you will naturally know healing in your own heart with and for the whole world. So you ready? Here's the 10 steps. First one. Stay with the longing of your heart. Trust it. Believe in it. Have faith in your deepest heart's yearning. And don't ever, ever forget. And when you forget, just come back.

[27:16]

Two. Mindfulness. Amazing. Pay attention. Go beyond faith. Let go of yourself over and over and open yourself, open ourselves to ourselves and to others and the whole world and changing circumstances. Show up. Be here. Takes effort. Number three is effort. Right effort. No attachment to results. Well, little attachment to results. But when you do, just notice it and come back and just affirm over and over. Four, Zazen. For people committed to a path of Zazen here at Tassajara, make it the center of your life in each moment. Happy, unhappy, kitchen, bathroom, whatever you're doing.

[28:21]

But Zazen is a way of living, of breath and body, coming home to this breath and body. And then what more and more awakens is wisdom. Keep looking. Look deeply. Know that you are in the midst of the swinging gate of myriad worlds. And when you forget, come back and look again and look again, which takes number six, discipline. See every situation as an opportunity for practice. There are no mistakes. Don't waste this life. Seven, Katagiri Roshi says transfer of merit. I would say just keep giving it away. Give it away over and over. Whatever you think you've done that's good or that people should be appreciating you for or that you think whatever it is, just keep giving it away for the benefit of all beings because my goodness, the world's a mess.

[29:28]

It's really beautiful. And remember, Down in this valley, when the vets go home, when you go home, remember that we are literally swinging gates, breathing each other in and out. That there is no such thing as a small act that doesn't matter. This commitment and deep faith wakes up the whole world across time and space. I have deep, deep faith in this. Nine, non-withdrawal. Non-withdrawal. Just enter. Enter life over and over. Just keep coming back. There's no place else but this. And ten, living in vow is Katigiri Roshi's language. I would say... remembering our profound interconnection and wishing all beings, completely inclusively, happiness and wellness and freedom and safety.

[30:44]

Commit your whole life to it. Keep turning the light around and shining it within, taking the backward step and more and more our hands become gift-bestowing hands. Suffering is leaving anything outside of your heart. You come up against something and it's outside of your heart. Sit there. Breathe with it. Stay with what's uncomfortable. But don't turn away. Practice is leaving nothing outside of our hearts. That's the vow. That's the commitment. Because there is fundamentally nothing to leave out. Swinging gate breath forever. So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm really grateful to all of you. I'm profoundly grateful to the veterans because they have broken my heart over and over.

[31:49]

I've cried harder with them than I've cried with anybody, and I also have laughed harder with them. It's a swinging gate. It's just like this. So let's keep practicing together. and creating the world that we all know is possible. Let's not forget, and when we forget, we'll help each other. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[32:33]

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