June 17th, 2000, Serial No. 03920

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each line that this morning we did or yoga practice as we do most saturdays and this time during a reiki practice i felt
ah what did i feel compelled called
i felt called to because it seemed like such a sweet little intimate group and i knew them so
i thought to be okay they know me too
two as we were doing are you it's kind of go over some of the form of it and so i would like a field called and evidently compelled
to do the same with you about that chance that we just did it keeps getting slower and slower and slower and it's okay but it's a form of how to do that chant is that each line is in one breath and i'm at my limit of the i think it's the third line that we do that it's a now at my limits
hmm so if you don't mind can we chanted again but at a pace that is move right along so that you can do each line with just one breath and and eight not further professional breathe there is no just for the comment the breath of a common breather
k tears it start
merger okay go
the chen zhen the
a day
we are no good
dash a
am i again
hey jj is a good
sorry this one
no go
no and it's a gay or cache that day missouri thank you thank you that's a that's it that's really good and that's a really good volume also
i'm a hearer i think by nature and i weren't recently to the symphony with michael tilson thomas and he did i've been actually bless this year to go twice once i heard the mauler ninth symphony which was
ah wonderful and this time i heard the beethoven's ninth symphony and there were may be at least two hundred and
you are there for the mahler or the bit de mala right we saw them all together gym
i forgot
not the mine
we're we're we're there and we saw him
and there are at least you know two hundred and twenty five people in the chorus at least and at least one hundred and twenty five in the orchestra so what you get in there kind of situation is like a wall of sound and you can
just release and relax everything in my experience was my eyes just
know usually your eyes are out there at my ear on my eyes my eyes receded i was looking at the orchestra but my eyes were way way back my ears were really open and the my body so i felt you know myself on the seat and my hands on my legs and almost nobody moved at all for an hour and a half just
just following beethoven's mind you know and everybody being concentrated so wonderful to real gift live music because we want to thank for those of us who like they can think
oops excuse me it's not for everybody
you know it's funny when you love something you think well you know everybody should love it also but if you're in a relationship you know
it's not a good way to begin
tonight we're having a party i think a little bit of a dance sing and some skits and everybody is welcome to come
and also i wanted to thank publicly michael and barbara i've thanked them individually but for doing this at see i practice period last time in this session
i felt although i didn't participate but from the edges looking in i felt like it was a very lovely practice period and a very stable and wonderful session and they did a shows and ceremony at the beginning and at the end and whole thing i think developed a very nice feeling and
and thank you very much
and while i was added i wanted to thank the know are either yes and she asleep
i'm thanking you castlereagh you
and i mean it for a wonderful continuing to do so much work for us in support of the formal practice
i really appreciate it thank you very much
and also i wanted to thank the kitchen who
you know if just day in and day out
they work so that we can sit in practice and i don't think the kitchen's not here they're cooking
thank you very much
i've been evidently having doing a series turns out on right speech
and i was going to stop that series
i was talking with two people the other day
with whom i study the precepts and we were talking about the precepts and we're going to pick out one
we're going to pick out each one of us with going to pick out one that we're going to work on for the next couple of weeks and as i was talking and my own situation i kept feeling in my own self this resistance to one of them
trying to rationalise to myself i didn't really need to work on and and as i was saying it of course my words were falling all over themselves and it was clear i think everybody in the room certainly myself that it was the very one that i should pay attention to and the one turned out to be not
it's fish but close which was harboring ill will which is very close because if you harbor ill will it's not too far away that you talk about the person
who you're sure you know is in the wrong in some way right so
so i've been watching it and i thought i'd talk about a little bit today
i must say that
when you practice i think i think it's inevitable if you practice for a while you've got to develop a lot of compassion for yourself because if he can't if you don't then how can you possibly keep looking you know at who you are and what you do
i'm going to talk about your will today with

enjoying myself and my foibles

so the first thing i want to note is that when we talk about harboring ill will what is written is harboring ill will what is not written is just ill will it's harboring ill will so there are two things about that that i want to note in the first in the first case the first thing is is that we're not
in control whoever wrote this understand this that we're not in control of the kind of feelings that were having and if you sit down and look for even a few moments it's pretty clear
so if ill will comes up no problem it's just that it's a very uncomfortable feeling because it's a feeling of either righteousness if you're not ready to give it up yet which there's always a distinct possibility and it will be good if you know that that's the case it's better to know
know that you're resisting giving it up than to deny that as they are in the first place because as i've said before and i think rib mentioned many practice periods ago that denial is actually in i think he actually said the definition of evil was denial because if you deny what you're actually feeling then you can just go right
out and either consciously or be unkind to somebody or more likely it can leak out in
passive aggressive behavior which is common pavia
so we're not in control of what we feel the idea is to be aware of what we feel and of course in order to do that you have to be present
so the point is to not harbor ill will
so how do you do that you know if ill will keeps coming up what does it mean to not harbor ill will it means to not hold onto it to not grasp it and in fact the bottom line i think of most of our study is not grasping
this key is it has said all over the place in the teachings to cut their to cut at ignorance is very difficult ignorance is extremely subtle
so it's difficult to cut it ignorance but it's it's very possible to cut
so the point is to not grasp onto to not hold on to ill will to allow the feeling to come up like obama you know what to do with it
oh feeling comes up
the feeling comes up the first of all your present then you acknowledge that such and such a feeling actually happened then you feel the feeling it's a sensation there's feelings are some emotion we call them emotions but their feelings their sensations in the body you feel what it feels like to have to be ill will
which for me feels nauseating and contracting separating
feels slightly angry
senior that an idea that's not what you feel that's that's an idea and slightly angry as and i didn't know it feels like tightening and my muscles that kind of thing that's hard for me that's harboring ill will you feel it then you keep breathing into the body and let those feelings go if you keep thinking about why
why it's appropriate for you to have this feeling of ill will for someone that's called harboring ill will
okay clear
actually anger and ill will or pretty superficial feelings if you go underneath them just a little bit it's usually what's there is hurt somebody probably has hurt you
or a very likely case is that you've taken something about yourself that you don't like and you've projected it out onto somebody and use in decide that it's okay to not like them because it's easier to not like them and to acknowledge something about yourself that you're uncomfortable with
and another twist on that which is very close is
it's just something that you don't want to feel yourself about yourself so that you can you see it in another person and so you can decide instead of feeling at you instead of being that yourself
and how is it different from new one i just said it is a little bit different but i can't see know what it was
one is oh one is unconscious you just projected out while the other one is kind of unconscious also one is a fifth one is a feeling that you don't want to feel out on the other person and then the other one was it the way of being i guess maybe that's the difference can when you see somebody being a certain way that you don't particular
lee want to yourself to be you don't like you have difficulty with them with another person

it's easier to work on this kind of saying if the other person you happen to be feeling this ill will about is willing to work on it with you to way easier and as is also easy if you know that it's your event this is already many steps forward if you know what your event and you can say
a to the other person you know i am really sorry but for me you happen to be the one and then they don't have to take it personally but that they can help you kind of be there well you breathe you know and feel your feelings and them and so forth and sometimes even the person lets you kind of talk about it
maybe if you're careful
and you keep it on your side it's a possibility but if the other person is not therefore it
it's more difficult it's way more difficult because you left yourself to process you're not holding onto your will and being really a tune to when it comes up for you and making sure that you're not holding onto it and creating the other person as your projected event because it's real
early unkind to another person when we do that
so then maybe you're at a point of forgiving well how do you do that
my experiences you can't even come close to forgiving unless you really deeply in every single facet feel completely how hurt you are
about whatever it was you've got to do that before you forgive otherwise forgiveness just slides right off
so first
you have to
i guess be patient you have to first feel your pain
then you then you can forgive and sometimes for deep things you have to forgive again and again
which is nice forgiveness as a very nice feeling

and in the same way
if you're not ready to forgive you should know that you should know that about yourself so and that's the case don't harbor the eel will just know you're not ready yet to forgive so maybe avoid the person for a while till you're ready
then when you're able to forgive you can take a look at the dependent colorizing of the whole event and when you can do that you are really beginning to turn your transforming your consciousness because the truth of the matter is is you and the other person and the relationship or or
all arising according to conditions of that person's family of your family maybe it's the same family
his fault really ultimately with that there's a wide an easy forgiveness for yourself and for the other person
so who are the people usually often who are easy
targets for this kind of harboring for this kind of projecting
well i want to talk about it
and the reason i want to talk about is because last week while you guys were sitting i was the big a bit anyway it overlapped with the workshop that i went to with jeffrey
next door and it was about helping people in many ways in their own personal way and interpersonal way and institutional way and cultural way to address
what can i call it
what they called it was oppression
and create and that the way they defined depression was very interesting to me and i'll tell you but to create a more culturally diverse zen center
so let me tell you how they'd find oppression first they defined oppression by
something like it was
doing something
ha i can we just saying mean you know to someone you've chosen who has no choice about being that particular whatever it is they were more specific about it but i make kind of a large
in other words what we do is which would in this case where choosing someone who has as a something who has no choice of being that thing and that thing is defined as no good or whatever dumb or sinful or whatever it is
i thought that was really interesting definition
of course of the they call them target target people target groups to target people in this culture anyway that they picked were
and we all are probably something age older people
sexual orientation women
think those were the main ones
the workshop was really interesting to me because

what happened for me was they they gave us all kinds of intellectual ways of addressing this difficulty and the difficulty in my opinion is profound in our culture profound and if we can't figure it out
i don't know you know we have a real good chance analysis because we're a mush right so we have a good chance to address this and to continue to address it again and again and again and not forget that we need to address it over and over and over again
because it's so hurtful to each other
and well
so what happened for me was intellectually i was kind of resistant to the intellectual or you know this for gambler and that vocabulary and sentence over it but as soon as it came to people telling their stories
how could you be resistant
so i'm going to tell you to stories that i've changed
because i want to respect people's privacy but i think they're not unusual stories
so i'm going to tell you maybe i'll tell you three
one story actually didn't happen this last workshop but i'm gonna tell it to you anyway because it's a group that i just forgot to include
and the group was
i'm i forget the politically correct name
i think it's differently abled
i would have said disabled i think that's not correct now
i was once said i think i might have told you this to i was once at a at oh no i have to get to the dorm apart
this is all about dharma
sir i'll take on going to taste quickly the first story wasn't that i was at a tibetan them
meeting big meeting in a very large
in a very large like coliseum many many many people here and lots of women and when it came time to go the bathroom of course women go to the bathroom way more than men and they were they were that's an assumption on my part
anyway there are only two bathrooms available for like hundreds of women's and there was so during the intermission you know everybody got up and went to the bathroom and the line was huge i happen to be online right in front of somebody in a wheelchair now wait behind the person and wheelchair was in front of
me and i knew how much i had to go the bathroom so i was sort of assuming this person being in line had to go to the bathroom at kind of know certain amount and the line was really long and as the line was moving towards is the stalls i was having to go to the bathroom more so i thought maybe this person was to and
this is projecting like this is not a good thing to do in life usually but anyway so anyway it was a long time and we finally got up to the two stalls and one of em there were small both of them were small
and she was in front of me so i had to watch this and what i saw was she wheeled the wheelchair up to one of the booze and she opened the door and she couldn't shut the door because the wheelchair couldn't fit into the booth and i was humiliated i used to know
to do so
so i stood there while she tried to
go to the bathroom and it was an experience of seeing something from another person's point of view
and when we do that when we can see something from another person's point of view almost always we can't harbor whatever thought we had that separated us because we're all human
we all have these same one things and needs since one story
another story was
a young five year old
a person who came to this country speaking a different language and her mother took her to or
school kindergarten i guess it was took her to school and
she was kind of scared and
spending the same things about going to the bathroom
well the end of the story is to cut to the bottom and the story is is that she didn't know how to ask
to go the bathroom so she went to the bath issues went to the bathroom in the middle of the class and the kids saw her and the teacher was wonderful and kind and but the kids started talking you know something and she didn't know what it was and she this experience of being different in that ways has stayed with her for
years the humiliation of not being able to simply asked to go to the bathroom
well i'm going nowhere
go to the end of my talk

but before i got the anatomie nationalising one more thing
and there was another story told that i kind of can't get out of my mind and it was about a racial event and i'm not going to tell you the whole story
but i will tell you just a poignant kind of part of it let's see how can i do this

you know i don't even think i want to tell you the story because the the word that was used
was a really at the end of the story was a word that is a word that is a negative were toward a racial group and there are lots of them and when this woman was telling her story her own story as a child on her own side and said this word even that just and just a
it was enough to cause tremendous pain to a person of that racial group was just listening to the story being told
so i'm not even italian mr
but what i do want to say that gets down to what the dharma part of it is is that
in the dharma in the buddha dharma in differences is the way that we find the truth of our connectedness
we have to have differences and differences or value equal are valued equal that is the awakened mind a mind that sees differences and sees sees differences and see his past differences
to the connectedness of everything
so it's not just at a interpersonal a personal or institutional and cultural level that it is our responsibility to work on this it's our it's about the level of our own
awakening that we work on this
for ourselves and for all other people
dogan has a fascicle in the show bogans so called cheeky it's called it translated as affirmation
and what it means is is that all life is a firming us all the time
all life we are being confirmed
always all the time
as who we are right now just this
perfect as it is
and foremost perfect just the way we are
one total dynamic working
that is what we are not part of for not part of that total dynamic working now we are that if any one of us is removed it's different
we're not part of it we are all this one life
and this is the way dog in talks about it

this is from one bright jewel sometimes it's translated one bright pearl
being us is the one bright jewel which is the whole world in two directions
this being so then though it seems to go changing faces turning are not turning yet it is a bright jewel
it is precisely knowing that the jewel has all along been thus that is itself the bright jewel
the bright jewel has sound and form
in being already at fastness as far as worrying that one's self is not the bright jewel is concerned one should not suspect that that is not the jewel
worrying and doubting grasping and rejection action and inaction all are all
but temporary views of small measure
isn't it lovely
such leicester's and lights of the bright jewel are unlimited
each flickr each beam of each luster each light each light
is a quality of the whole world in all ten
each one of us
each flickr
h beam h luster each light is a quality of the whole world in all ten directions
and let that little light shine