This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. My name is Hiroyuki Ikushima. People call me Hiro. spelled H-I-R-O, not H-E-R-O, mind you. Since this is my first talk, I decided to introduce myself and share my understanding of the practice with you and with my life stories. But first, I would like to thank our tanto Tim Wicks, and the central abbot, David Zimmerman, for this opportunity to give a talk.

[01:00]

And also my teacher, Tia Schroeser, for giving me guidance for the past 10 years. I am originally from Japan. I was born and raised there the first half of my teenager years, I grew up in the countryside in Japan, about three hours north of Tokyo. And then when I was in high school, I moved to Tokyo. And then I came to the United States for university. Growing up in Japan, it's mixed feelings. You know, I had good times and not so good times. And certainly I struggled for many reasons. And I always dreamed about coming to the United States. I grew up watching movies and TV shows and those Hollywood movies.

[02:04]

It seems like, well, you know, I believed it seems like this country is a promised land, a land of freedom. And in the movie screens, people seem happy and people seem like free. So that's what I believed. And also I was influenced by my older brother who was very much into Western pop culture, Western pop music. So we used to listen to radio, tune into Billboard Top 10 music. So, yeah, I always dreamed about coming here and escaping Japanese society where I felt it was restricting and suffocating. Looking back, I think that was the beginning of my long spiritual journey. So after convincing my parents that the United States is not as dangerous as they thought,

[03:16]

Well, first they were concerned that I might get shot. I went to a small university, a state university in Pennsylvania, and I wanted to study international politics. But then, at the time, my English level was way too poor to keep up with the classes. I couldn't understand what teacher was saying. So I quickly changed my major to... computer science, which became my survival skill. And still, it was difficult to keep up. And at the same time, I had a great time making many friends and learning English, which is what I really wanted to do, to expand my horizon and making friends from all over the world. And the year I graduated, after a lot of struggling academically, it was the year 1999.

[04:23]

And that was when everyone was talking about internet. Internet was just booming. And if you had a computer science degree back then, it was very easy to get a job, so. I was luckily picked up by this startup company in Philadelphia. And I was just living my dream. I never thought I would be able to get a job at an American company and live there, live in this country. And I had a good time for a couple of years or so, but then this happiness didn't last long. The first... tech economy bubble burst. And our company filed a bankruptcy. I didn't get paid for a couple of months. And I ended up moving to Richmond, Virginia.

[05:25]

And that was the beginning of my downfall. And the American dream turned out to be not what I expected. And yeah, nothing was working out for me. I felt stuck. I lost my passion in my career. And I had, with my work visa situation, I couldn't change my job very easily. And so pretty much I felt stuck in an office job. And I had a financial burden. And my family back home was not working out or falling apart. And I had a relationship that didn't work out. So I was living in denial in Richmond. I was like, I don't want to be here.

[06:28]

But then I didn't want to go home either. And so I felt stuck. And eventually I started seeking help for me in spirituality. I started going to bookstore and started reading self-help books and I encountered spiritual teachings such as non-duality, you know, Zen, Hinduism. And I remember I started seeing the light in at the end of the dark tunnel. Until then, I was going through depression. And I also looked around, and there were many unhappy people around me, too. And I was like, wait a minute, this is not what I saw in the movie screen.

[07:33]

I thought American people were supposed to be happy and very positive. Like, And some people seemingly successful in business I became friends with. He was going through a very difficult time and escaping to a very unhealthy lifestyle, drinking alcohol, smoking, doing drugs, things like that. One person in the office I used to work with later I heard died in a mysterious way. I believe that was a suicide. So as I started learning the teachings of Zen and non-duality through books, I deepened my understanding of what was happening to me.

[08:43]

And to get out of the suffering, I had to learn what the suffering is. And to do that, I had to study myself. And the self really means ego. And studying that ego was... certainly crucial in this practice. And then when I encountered a Buddhist teaching, Four Noble Truth, he said, life is suffering. At first I was like, you know, this sounds so negative, right? But then I thought, it is very true. And actually suffering helped me deeply engage in this practice. because I wanted to be free. And I realized that the American dream is not something that gets you happiness.

[09:56]

And even if you think you attain, you gain something that make you happy, such as money, social status, things like that, that sense of satisfaction won't last long. And that is, very much true when I read the principle of Buddhism that everything is impermanent. If you buy a brand new car, you feel good, but then a couple of months later, it doesn't feel fresh anymore. You might start complaining about the new car, right? Same thing goes with new job, new relationship, and so forth. And I remember the moment of my brief awakening, so to speak.

[11:03]

I was sitting on the bed with a bunch of books around me. And it was like, What does it mean, you know, I am not who I think I am? Which means that I am not my thoughts. And before that, I had no awareness around my thoughts, right? I was very much deeply, it's like the thoughts and mind are deeply immersed, merged like this. And then there was a moment that started I kind of separated these thoughts and the mind and the space around the thoughts was my awareness. And that is the moment. I think the first time I really felt what it means to be present. Because present moment and thoughts cannot co-exist.

[12:06]

When you are thinking about something, you're certainly not present. As you practice meditation in Zazen, if you can let go of your thoughts and simply take attention on your breath, and your meditation is not God-oriented, that means that you're present. And if you're not thinking about who you are, then who are you in that moment? Right? So this understanding of the ego was a big shift in my spiritual journey. And that was the beginning for me to start seeking and engaging in the more serious practice.

[13:12]

So when I was in Richmond, I was living in denial. I wanted to get out of there so badly. And I dreamed about going back to big city like Philadelphia or New York City. But then in this practice of being present, it changed me completely. And until that moment, I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle. And then this teaching gave me a hope to change my life around. that's when I started changing my diet, and became vegetarian, and eventually I became vegan, and then started doing exercise. And it sounded like not a big deal, but then it was a big deal for me. I was the kind of person that would make fun of people running, right? I look at those people running. And then I started going to gym, and I couldn't even...

[14:17]

run five minutes back then, and then ended up running a full marathon a year later. And then started seeing a positive side of the city of Richmond, and the Richmond is a wonderful city. It's very outdoor friendly, and the Appalachian Mountains, only a couple of hours away, and the beach on the east. So I started doing backpacking, mountain biking, running, cycling, all kinds of stuff. And I felt like I was becoming a new person. And there was a small group in Richmond called the Richmond Zen Group. And a visiting teacher there was from Chapel Hill Zen Center in North Carolina. Her name is Joshua Patfillan. And she became my teacher. And I started going to session at the North Chapel Hill Zen Center.

[15:23]

Well, that's where I met with Mayor Weizmann and Shoha Kokumura Roshin. And it was year 2008. The American economy came crashing halt. the great recession triggered by subprime mortgage crisis. And I was one of those people who lost job. But then I was like, wow, this is blessing in disguise. And I was let go, but then didn't affect my visa situation. So I was waiting for my green card and lucky I got one. And and then started being kind of like a dharma bomb, right? I started trying different spiritual traditions. I was also practicing Zen, but I'm doing Theravada retreat.

[16:27]

I tried even Hindu, such as Hare Krishna. And I settled with Zen because my root my home country is Japan, and Zen certainly have a strong connection. And when I encountered Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, I feel this is the right thing. This is the right tradition for me. So I was a freelance for a while, and then year 2013, I went to a Japanese Zen temple called Antaiji, which is a home temple of Shohago Kumura Roshi. And their practice is quite unique. It's very much centered around the practice of Zazen.

[17:30]

And they are a kind of practice, what I call Zazen fundamentalists. And they don't do any ceremonies. They don't even give them a talk. The leading teacher back then, the abbot of the temple would give a Dharma talk only once a month, the night before the monthly session. And the session was like a hell, you know, just Zazen, Kin Hin, Zazen, Kin Hin, Zazen, Kin Hin, and just two meals a day. And my knees were screaming, and also I was exhausted from the daily work, which is very physical. We used to work in the rice field while building stonewall. Sometimes they're quite dangerous. And so just two weeks into my stay, I thought I can't do this anymore. But somehow I stayed and I ended up staying there for four months.

[18:36]

That suddenly set the tone of my Zen practice. And... And after that, I came back to the States and finally decided to leave everything, quit everything, and go to Tassahara. And Tassahara was a wonderful practice, a wonderful place to practice. And the practice of studying the self certainly deepened. And I thought I had a solid understanding of what it means to... wake up, what it means to be enlightened. To be enlightened, you have to look over the ego. And so I was determined, you know, as I entered the main gate of Atasara, I remember I told myself, I'm going to leave my ego and opinions behind this gate, and I'm just going to say yes to everything, and I'm going to be enlightened.

[19:41]

well, that wasn't that easy. And my understanding of that ego deepened through many, many mistakes. Because ego is a very tricky thing. Ego is a sense of self that is tied with personal identity made up of thoughts, emotions, feelings, your opinions, and the mind's narrative about who you are. And even if I said yes to everything, without knowing it, I was creating this new sense of self So basically I was trying to be a good monk, right?

[20:47]

If there's a good monk and there are bad monks, and in my eyes I was sometimes a bad monk and I would get really mad at myself and I would be judging other people who I thought were not good monks. And I particularly didn't dislike people who cut corners, right? So I would be... From the outside, yes, maybe I was a good monk. I show up on time, I sit every period of zazen, and I would move during zazen, but then what was happening is this rigidity in my practice, and even competitive, right? I was trying to be perfect. And I had no idea that was my ego. And that was so interesting because I was trying to let go of my ego.

[21:50]

I was trying to kill my ego, but then I was becoming this new person with the ego. Now I believe that was my so-called spiritual ego. My teacher Tia said, the path has two ways or two sides. One side is insight, which is enlightenment. It opens your mind, opens your heart, and dissolves the ego. And another side is psychological maturity. You have to be mature. Otherwise, if you don't have that maturity, your ego grabs onto the insight and takes advantage of it. So in a conventional world, we like to be a good person. We want to be better, right?

[22:54]

How do we measure that? It's comparison. You compare with other people, it may mean making more money or having higher social status and high reputation. So the principle is, here about the ego is it has a desire for control, power, and validation. You want to be validated. You want to be approved by other people. And if you don't have the strong awareness around it, even you're engaged in a practice with the intention of letting go of the ego, ego comes back through the back door and create this sense of self and you want to be better in a spiritual way in your mind. And for me, it was about being a good monk and trying to be better than other people.

[24:00]

And that certainly created new suffering for me in Tassajara. Sometimes I would get really mad at myself. and I couldn't sleep late at night. I would go back to Zendo, sit until midnight, and I remember some moments, some nights, I felt like punching the wall right in front of me really hard. I'm glad I didn't do that. And then there was a competitiveness showing up. And through the guidance of my teacher and teachers around me, other, um, my fellow practitioners, I realized, and I realized that was my new ego. And that was very difficult things to swallow. And I learned everyone's very different. You never know what people going through and through interpersonal issues with other students.

[25:10]

Um, I'm really, really appreciative of those experiences because usually the suffering happens between people, right? And what's so helpful in our Zen practice is that everything we do is very simple. If you're working in a kitchen, you are asked to do simple things. It can be chopping vegetables or cooking rice, and so you are being in touch with the truth of life and also what it means to be a responsible person. So just like Tia said, my teacher Tia said, insight and maturity. And that sounds very much like Suzuki Roshi's teaching.

[26:15]

He said, each of you is perfect the way you are, and you can use a little improvement, and that sounds contradictive, right? If you're perfect, then why do you have to improve yourself? And that sounds like Koan. that is something that you have to really practice in your everyday life to understand through your body. It's not something that you can conceptually understand because our mind is wired to think in a duality way. But when you're getting in touch with the reality, I mean, when you get in touch with the reality, It's not that difficult to understand. Shouha Kokumura explained in like this, when you see one hand, one hand is made with five fingers.

[27:23]

So if you look at each individual fingers, each finger has a different functionality. But if you look at the whole hand, and there's just one hand. So this concept of one hand and five fingers you are looking at the two different ideas at the same time, and the reality is like that. And that is something that Dogen, the founder of Soto Zen, teaches through Tenzo Kyokun, and Tenzo Kyokun is a textbook for cooks in a kitchen, and how important it is to practice in a kitchen. It's not just about cooking food or cooking tasty food, you can get in touch with the truth of reality. And one of the important Buddhist concept, principle, is the cause and effect. To cook rice, to cook a pot of rice, you have to have the right amount of water, right amount of heat and time.

[28:34]

And if you mess with any of these elements, that rice wouldn't come up right. And the cause and effect is everywhere. I struggled earlier in my life, and that's why I'm here. And it's very interesting to think about the life which is really operating through this principle of cause and effect. I was reading Dogen's teaching called Shusho Gi. Shu means practice, Sho means enlightenment, and Gi is a lecture. And Shusho Gi is actually a compiled text of his original text, Shobo Genzo. And since this Shobo Genzo means the treasury of true Dharma I, it's the essence of Dogen's teaching,

[29:35]

but it's very, very difficult to understand, even for Japanese. First of all, it's written in ancient Japanese. It's equivalent of Chaucer in English or Shakespeare. And even if you understand ancient Japanese, Dogen has his own way of writing, and some people call it Dogen-go in Japanese. I guess you can... It's a Doganese. There's a Japanese and there's a Doganese. So even for Japanese, most people don't understand what it really means. So this compiled text was made in 19th century in the Meiji era in Japan by Soto Shuo. And originally put together for lay practitioners who don't have enough time like a priest. to deeply engage in Zen practice. And so it's a wonderful beginner's book for Zen practitioners.

[30:40]

And in this Shusogi, there's a teaching of Dogen about cause and effect. And he says, there are three different timings of cause and effect. And one is, in a direct translation, it says, retribution in the present life. But I don't like using this retribution. It sounds kind of personal, right? It's good and bad. I understand the good karma, bad karma. But then how do you determine what's good and bad? Even if you think you did something bad, maybe it means good to other people. So I would like to use the word cause and effect. So the first timing is effect that is experienced in the present life, meaning immediate effect. And then the second timing is the effect that is experiencing in the subsequent life, next life.

[31:42]

And then third timing is one life after that, two lives later. So, which basically means that the type of effect that happens immediately and the second ones later and third ones much, much later. So, And these three different timings of cause and effect are simultaneously happening in the present moment. So, like now I'm speaking and the voice is heard right away. It's immediate cause and effect. Or if you throw a baseball inf... you know, towards the wall right in front of you. It bounces back and it might hit your head. That's causing an effect, right? And then there's a delayed effect. It's like, I was riding bicycle the other day and realized that I had a flat tire and it was a slow leaking of the air.

[32:48]

At some point I must have... ridden over gravels and then it started leaking. I didn't realize that. And then next day I had a flat tire. So that's a delayed effect. And then there's a much later, such as my parents did something and I'm experiencing the effect, right? Or it can be calls of a hundred years ago, the effect we are experiencing that. that goes on and on. It can be 1,000 years ago, 10,000 years ago, and we are experiencing that effect. And if you are really deeply in the practice in a monastic setting, you can be aware of that. But if you are not conscious in your everyday life, you don't think so much about it.

[33:49]

and because there are so many distractions. So I spoke about my individual ego, and then there's a collective ego that I learned. Collective ego is a shared sense of identity within a group, such as nation, religion, organization, race, and so forth. It manifests through collective beliefs, opinions, behavior that define the group. And they can be a lot more destructive because it amplifies the sense of separation and superiority. And that's happening today, everywhere, right? Particularly in this country right now, there are two political groups, and you can see some people are very fanatics, and you see this effect of amplification.

[34:54]

It amplifies this sense of self, right? You belong to a group. And I'm not saying what's good or bad, it just, that's what it does. I recently went back home, went back to Japan a few weeks ago, And it happened to be August, and August is a very, very meaningful in a way, because the World War II ended in August. So I went back home in the first week of August, and then I was reminded, oh yeah, that's the time of the year. because every day on TV, there are numerous programs about war and peace. On the 6th of August, the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, and then three days later on Nagasaki, and on the 15th of August, finally Japan surrendered.

[36:05]

And then I was watching all these documentaries, and I guess I was numbed, growing up in Japan and watching all these TVs and just felt like a norm. But this time, it was my first time visiting Japan in summertime in more than 10 years. Before that, it was 2013 when I practiced in Japanese Zen temple. So after 10 years, 11 years, I was in Japan in August. And then watching all these documentaries, it felt so surreal. I just couldn't believe how people can be driven to such extreme to believe that suicide attack is okay to do. You know the word kamikaze.

[37:09]

And towards the end of the war, the leaders, especially the military leaders in the government, was saying that, okay, well, we used to have 100 million people here can go suicide attack. And, you know, I don't wanna get into what's right or wrong about dropping a bomb atomic bomb, and Japan was certainly losing at that time, and there was a lot of politics happening between the US and the Soviet Union. But just, you know, getting to such an argument, of course, studying the history

[38:12]

and learn from the mistakes is very, very important. Sometimes I think maybe those 80,000 people in Nagasaki could have been spared. If the same situation that was happening today, I would believe world leaders wouldn't make the same decision. But it's easy to say now, back then things were so crazy. The point of this topic is that if you don't check your ego, it can go extreme to such an extent that kidding each other is certainly justified. And in World War II alone,

[39:13]

between 70 million to 85 million people were killed in the hands of fellow human beings. And like I said, the sense of separation is amplified when you are so identified with collective ego. it can really inflate the sense of self by belonging to some group. And at the same time, it can be deflating. It can deflate your sense of self if you're on the wrong side. And if you belong to a minority group, that's the effect of discrimination.

[40:15]

That is something I became more conscious after coming to the United States. It's been interesting. When I was in Japan, I wanted to just escape, right? And then coming to the United States. And ever since I came to the country, I became very conscious of my nationality and race. I became very self-conscious of it because I became a minority. And then through this practice of studying the self, it's not complete at all. I'm still in the midst of this journey and learning what it means to be in this body and how I look. And then when I get in touch with the teaching my teacher Tia, or she says, you're perfect.

[41:21]

You're just perfect. There's nothing to worry about. You are okay. And then you can use a little improvement. And this second line, you can use a little improvement. It's huge. And if you apply this teaching to the collective, what does it mean to improve? And that is, I think I believe, something that belongs to the social movement and activism of equality. So during this practice, I appreciate that I being a minority because it makes my practice very rich.

[42:22]

And although I used to want to escape my country, this time I went home and I felt so good. I really appreciated my home country, my family, my culture. And when I was in Tazahara, I was deeply engaged in Zazen practice. And that practice was Zazen. Let me check the time. Seven o'clock. Especially in this Soto Zen practice of Zazen, this is called Shikantaza. just sitting. And I remember when I was, you know, many people ask me if I practice Zen in Japan, and mine says, no, I had no interest.

[43:29]

I had no interest in Buddhism. For me, Buddhism was a simple funeral, and I didn't have a good image. It's ironic that I realized how helpful this practice has been. And... I remember when I was in, I think high school in Japan, when I heard about this concept of Shishikan Taza, you sit just to sit, and I couldn't understand what it meant. It makes no sense, right? But after I started practicing Zen seriously, I started having this understanding Because the ego wants to grab on something. It wants the purpose. But if you're truly being in the present moment, there's no such thing as goal, right?

[44:34]

And at the same time, there are no problems in the present moment. If you look for problems, you can find it in this present moment. Only if you are thinking about something There are always problems. You have no problem finding problems. You're worried about the future. You regret about mistakes in the past. You are discontent about something. But if you're not thinking, who are you in the moment? And thus the answer, ego is not who you are. you are not who you think you are. Then the next question is, then who are you really? And that's being my quest. And then, like I said, ego is a shape shifter.

[45:40]

I thought that was letting go of my ego without realizing that I was identified with this new sense of self of trying to be a good monk. And through the practice of Tassahara in a kitchen, in Zendo, sometimes it was very painful. And what's really interesting is that those painful moments can be fuel, or I would say more like a compost of your practice. They feel yucky, but then it helps you to realize your delusions.

[46:48]

The Linda Ruth, One of my teachers, really, Atasahara, she said, this painful feelings is like a compost from which plants grow, flowers grow. It's like mud for the lotus flower. And also when I was in Japan this time, this summer, and there was a Paris Olympics, and I very much enjoyed watching Olympics games with my family. We were really excited when we were watching the final game of the group table tennis, group game between Japan and China, and that was the final.

[47:56]

And trying to beat China in table tennis is like trying to beat the American basketball team. And they're simply the best. And the Chinese has been winning nine consecutive Olympics. And Japan came close, but they lost. And the audience there was just electric. It was like 75% Chinese people waving red flags. But then after the game, those players simply paid the respect to each other, smiling and shaking hands and hugging. And just knowing the history between the two nations, it was very, very moving. As you know, in World War II, Japan did horrible things to neighboring countries.

[48:57]

some people just focus on victims in Japan, but then it is at the same time true that they did horrible things to Chinese people, Korean people, Filipinos, and Southeast Asian people. So when we have international sports games, sometimes it gets very intense. But what I saw in the Olympics, but nothing but respect. So they do the best they can to win the gold medal and compete. But then once the game is over, there was a sense of friendship and sportsmanship and the respect. And that is so contrasting to me what I saw in those documentaries about war and peace.

[50:08]

One of the movies I really enjoyed back in the 90s is called A Cool Running. I don't know if anyone watched that movie, but in that movie, there was a nice quote. It's something like, if you are not enough, without gold medal, you will never be enough with it. And I always remember that quote, and it's such a wonderful quote because in the Olympics, you practice so hard for four years to get into the stage of the Olympics and compete in a very high level, but then winning and losing is not the most important thing. And lastly, I recently watched a movie, a Japanese movie called The Perfect Days. I wonder if anyone watching, can you raise your hand if you watched the movie?

[51:17]

Wonderful. Yeah. I feel like that was a perfect movie for Zen practitioners. It's about, it's interesting because this movie was made by a German director named He's famous in European independent films. And he made a movie about public toilet cleaner in Tokyo. And nothing dramatic happens. You know, this guy in this movie and the actor of this movie won an award for this movie. A very famous actor called Koji Yakusho. He has a routine every day, starting in the morning, just brushing the teeth, water his plants, and then buy a cup of coffee from the vending machine, and then go to work.

[52:20]

And he's so dedicated to cleaning and toilets. That's what he does every day. And for lunch, he goes to a local shrine and sitting on the same bench every day. And his hobby is taking a photo of sunlight through trees. In Japanese, it's called komorebi. It's sunlight shining through tree leaves. It's beautiful. And he takes photos with old-school film camera. And... And that's his routine every day. And he looks very content, right? He just looks at the tree and the sky and he smiles. When he's cleaning toilets, someone wants to come in and he would step out. And then he looks up and smiles, you know.

[53:24]

And he looks like 60-some years old, single, living in a very small apartment. You know, he is someone you would think is lonely, but then he seems very content, but then he's not perfect either. You know, there are some things happening in a story and it seems like he has some family issues and his sister visits and his niece visits and then the niece said, hey, can we go to the beach? And he would say, next time, right? And she says, when's next time? And he says, now is now, next time is next time. And that was very much aligned with Zen teaching. So he was very content with very little things that he had every day.

[54:32]

And at the same time, he shows emotions sometimes, and he doesn't say much. You know, there are not many dialogues in this movie. He just shows his expression through his facial expression. Sometimes he shows sadness. And so I wouldn't say he was completely happy, but then mostly content. content with his life. And certainly he experiences shortcomings in his life. And sometimes he is sad, but then that is the beauty of life. In Japanese expression, which means knowing enough with having just a little.

[55:44]

Another word, having just enough. And this, I believe, as I do this practice more, I think it's not just about ethics, about being minimalist. I think this also shows the truth of life. that in this present moment, you don't need anything. And I feel like that's something to do with who you truly are. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive.

[56:50]

Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[57:06]

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