Greetings are my audible. Greetings on this good, good day. My name is Eli. Welcome to Beginner's Mind Temple and welcome to all of you joining us online. This is my way seeking mind talk. Before I speak more to what that is for those who may not know, I wanted to start by expressing gratitude to both Abbott David and my teacher, Abbott Ed, for allowing me to support them in this practice period. AS WE TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE IS.

[16:23]

ALSO WANT TO IN ADVANCE GIVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF THANKS TO ALL OF THE SANGA FRIENDS, FAMILY FOR SUPPORTING ME IN THIS PROCESS. IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL. AND SO TONIGHT I'LL BE SHARING AS ABBADED HAD MENTIONED YESTERDAY IN CLASS ON ONE OF THE KOANS THAT I'M most close to, and that's my life. And so these are some words to express how I came into the world and ended up here. And I'm going to use some notes just to keep me on pace because I tend to digress. And I brought a prop to start off with tonight, and it's a rock tumbler. Most folks, if you've been around Zen spaces long enough, You hear a rock tumbler compared to what we do here in a residential practice or perhaps in a practice period.

[17:29]

And so just to remind us what a rock tumbler kind of does, I promised my daughter Maya there'd be props. So basically a rock tumbler is a tube that's hooked to a machine. And what you do is you put in raw rocks. kind of in their raw form, their conditioned form from the world that they may have came from and into the tumbler or practice period they go. And then you put in some water, grit, and other minerals, put the cap on and start the turning. And so at the end of a particular period of time, the end result is... some rocks that have changed. So you can see they're a lot smoother, have a lot less rough edges, probably are less harmful to the hand, and sometime emerge revealing more of their heart.

[18:34]

And of course, that's a practice container that is filled with tons of intention and things of that nature. Tonight, I'm going to talk about some of the tumblers that I went through in life. the experiences, the people or the rocks, the elements and events that brought forth a way-seeking mind. I guess along the way, I will, of course, speak on the kind of most pronounced Dharma gates that I passed through, as well as when I was introduced to sickness, old age, and death. Did I mention every day is a good day? In short, my way-seeking mind is greatly motivated by the big questions. You know, what is life? What are we? And it's funny that this is called a way-seeking mind talk because my experience is that a lot of my way-seeking has been of the mind, I hope. In future iterations of myself, I discover what it means to actually have a...

[19:48]

wayseeking body or wayseeking being. So the first time I remember engaging with this mind is lying in bed when I'm about maybe five years old. And at this time of life, it's pretty normal for kids to start to go through a process of separation, of going from believing that they're connected to everything and everyone to feeling a sense of separate self. And so for me, I would lie there in bed and just imagine all the different layers of separation. So I would realize I have an internal body. And then I have a body that's kind of touching the covers. That body's in a room. That room is in a house. Then there's the sky, the space, stars, cosmos. I don't think I said cosmos at five. But I would just imagine what is there when there's nothing.

[20:48]

And I would more or less end up, I think, falling to sleep, imagining some kind of gray space. And it's funny that I still do this kind of mind wandering, but I do it kind of in reverse and trying to see what I can drop away, what I can drop away. overall quite fascinated with my consciousness and the wonderment of life. But we all know that that is not where our way-seeking mind starts. So I wanted to say a few things about my ancestry. My mom's side of the family is of Northern European descent, kind of Ireland, Scotland area, and immigrated here in the 19th century, primarily one place in the Midwest. The Stevensons are known for having strong family values and being primarily working class and competitive to a fault and also really a fan of sports.

[21:58]

My mother was born in 1944 in Ottawa, Illinois. On my father's side of the family, our ancestry is of West African descent. far as 23andMe says, and through bondage, and then furthermore, the Great Migration primarily ended up spread out upon the East Coast. Some of the common traits you can find on that side of the family include a deep love for music, conversation, and also spiritual, all of us in our own ways. My father was born in 1942 in Newark, New Jersey. And because I'm such a fan of my parents, I feel not only an extreme amount of gratitude towards them, but they really are my kind of role models or heroes.

[22:59]

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, I wanted to share them with you tonight. So underneath the Doan stand there, there's a... a page you can pass around on the backside of the bench. Brian, underneath your seat. Okay, you found the other one. So if you could just pass those around. I wanted to introduce you to Janice and Albert. What brought these two ancestral lines together was early childhood education, specifically at the University of Arizona. in the early 80s. My father was finishing up his PhD in philosophy and happened to be a student teacher in my mom's graduate early childhood something or another. Not too long after I arrived June 10th, 1982, two months premature. And to this day, I always wonder if...

[24:02]

Some of my sensitivity is due to an undeveloped something. But that's yet to see. For the most part, I was pretty healthy and came out okay. My mother professionally was a teacher, a school teacher, elementary teacher for about 40 years. Also a yoga teacher, as well as did some children's writing. My father primarily taught... early childhood development, and created multicultural curriculum. And in every sense of the word, as you can see in those pictures, my parents were my first true teachers. To reflect on some of the tumblings that they introduced me to, my mom gave me my first meditation instruction, again, probably when I was in the wee ages. Believe it or not, I was a very hyper child and did not get down to bed easy.

[25:06]

So she would have me lie down and do what we would refer to as a body scan. Start with my toes, relaxing my feet, so on and so forth. Until I usually fell asleep by the time she got to my hips. Another thing she used to do with me that I actually used with the... second and third graders that i i do mindfulness with on a weekly basis is she would i have me lie down put it on my stomach and just watch it go um up and down um and it worked most of the times sometimes i would just play with the ducky my um father was a self-proclaimed educator i remember him engaging with me in the deepest of conversations and trying to stretch my little mind to its limits. I think being that he was born in the 40s and his way seeking mind kind of took him through the civil rights movement and into, you know, a profession of teaching early childhood curriculum.

[26:19]

he really did his best, I think, to instill a lot of that experience and that wisdom in me, even though it would eventually be cut short. One side note that I think is really interesting, some of you know that I have a sister, a half-sister, the Right Reverend Shannon McVean Brown, who's the 11th Bishop of Vermont. And we often joke that we both inherited this kind of desire to figure out what it means to be human. For my dad, he expressed that in philosophy. And she was raised with a stepfather who happened to be a reverend. And I was raised by Janice, who is more or less Buddhist to a degree. So I think that kind of set us in that direction. Oh, and interestingly enough, my niece happens to be a second year philosophy student currently in New York. So I remember him really just trying to do his best to reflect back both the amount of privilege that I carry in life and then also understand not only oppression that he faced, but that I would in a slightly different degree.

[27:40]

As a child, I definitely took advantage of our kind of family's maybe favorite pastime, which is talking. My family talks a lot. And when I was Maya's age, I would ask a lot of questions as young children do. My mom was like, you know, maybe the shoe saw I hope to be and would answer a lot of my questions with non-dualistic answers. You know, or such things like, Mom, what is a pencil made out of the universe? Thanks. What do I do with that? If God was ever spoken of, it was always she and never he. So kind of that way of holding traditional thought. My father, he was more on the side of, I would say, a strong Dharma teacher. He would just reply to my questions with more questions, having me inquire a little bit deeper.

[28:43]

So moving on to another toddler, my first experience with death. So I was, again, all this happens like four or five. It's kind of like a major age to me. I lost my dear goldfish, Mr. T. And so I saw Mr. T floating. Ma, what do we do? She invited me to take it out front, and we had just got a little bush in our front. And so we went to go bury Mr. T. And as we were putting him in the dirt, I was concerned because I thought, well, Mom, Mr. T can't swim in the dirt. And she said something back to me like, well, son, the dirt swims and the plant grows. Now, she could have really, I could be misremembering this. She probably or maybe. that have just been telling me that, you know, the fish turns into plant food and things are okay. But the way that it still sits with this interesting place of transition that happens with all things.

[29:52]

And I think that now looking, you know, into the future, things like the Genjo Koan sound very interesting and intriguing to me. That's not like foreign, the concepts that are raised. I still can't. I get it, but I'm okay with that fact. There was also a great neighbor that we had, Mims, who was kind of my pseudo-grandmother, and for lack of better description, a happy drunk. And she had passed one morning, and my parents said, hey, do you want to go see Mims? She passed away. I'd obviously known at that point what death was, and we went over there and I just remember, you know, normally Mims was very happy and a little spilling something and anyways, boisterous. And she was just completely peaceful in her bed. I remember like a floral design comforter. The newspaper was just resting on her chest and it was like she fell asleep.

[30:55]

And I know all death is not like that, but what it really set into me that the... That final place of resting is peaceful. It's the kind of process that I would have to work with later on, but rest is not scary. So did I mention every day is a good day? So my childhood memories ultimately were really filled with joy. Besides the love I received from my parents, I feel that What they were trying to do was give me what I needed to cultivate an appropriate response and not just kind of pump me fill of answers and ways of being, which is something that I try to model my parenting after. And regardless of what kind of foundation we have, we know that this world does not come without suffering.

[31:56]

So I'm going to shift to some of that. At age 10, I went through another kind of, I would say, developmental leap. And, you know, this is the 90s. So, you know, it's kind of the peak of materialism, I would say. Lifestyles of the rich and famous. And even though I was raised with different morals, I felt, I think, what I would say, the ways of society... creeping in. I remember that was probably the first time I experienced more, I would say, unsavory aspects of greed, judgment, comparison, comparing mind. More or less, I think this is when kind of an ego started to set shape or the world at least wanted me to express myself in that way. Another thing is I'm sitting there, age 10, pretty much happy as a lark, and one day at the barbershop.

[33:03]

And just to note that the barbershop for black folks is a really central part to our community. And so I'm sitting there and I'm waiting the... big spin around that the barber gives and you see the reveal of your hair. And, you know, I'm going to see my cool lines because that's what I was getting at the time. And instead of spinning me around, he called my father over and they were talking behind me and, you know, more or less heard the doctor or the doctor, the barber say, I didn't do that. And what they're talking about is I had a little dime size bald patch in the back of my head. And so we went home. Didn't think much of it. And of course, over the next couple of weeks, it turned into a quarter, half dollar or whatever. So it turns out that I had or have a condition still called alopecia. And the, you know, the doc said happens a lot. Usually it'll last for a couple of months, maybe a year and it'll grow back.

[34:05]

Not not quite the case in my experience. By the time I was 12, I started to lose the majority of my hair anywhere it grew, including my eyebrows and eyelashes. And it's funny, because even though I had tons of friends and was very loved, I still got, because of the age of kids, slapped and teased, called the black mist to clean. It's funny, you can laugh. Montel Williams, of course, and Baby Buddha, which is kind of ironic now. And I remember that those times not being able to do anything, for one, you know, I would say about half of it were just people who were being, you know, mean to me. It wasn't necessarily, some of them were friends, you know. And I remember that's the first time I felt really, really strong feelings of resentment, ill will.

[35:08]

Kind of like, I hope something happens to you someday or just wait. I don't know what I was waiting for. And I also built a lot of social anxieties at that time. As you could see, when I come into a room, I'm sweaty, McBetty. Boy, I just drip. I still feel these things when I'm in social settings. I would have to kind of maneuver my hair before I came out to cover up these things. And somatically, it's interesting, when I fix my robe sometime, this kind of reaching back and configuring that you see priests do on a somatic level actually reminds me of covering my hair. Another couple of things I wanted to add about alopecia, because it did play a pretty big role, is that currently I'm the director of diversity, inclusion, and belonging. here at San Francisco Zen Center. And I really think that that experience of feeling othered and difference actually is where my heart aligns with this work or comes from.

[36:16]

And then the last kind of thing I wanted to mention about this, I don't want to psychoanalyze myself too much, is that I have a tendency to bypass, bypass my strong emotions. And in this case, I would always say, well, you know, I could have an actual condition that hurt my health. This is just superficial, and, you know, I get sweat in my eyes maybe. Or, you know, I could be a female. That would be like 10 times worse. Or, hey, well, you know, Michael Jordan has his head shaved, so it's not as bad for me. And, you know, to a degree, I think that there's some health in that, but also... shadow side of me not actually recognizing how I feel. And this would be a pattern that still challenges me today. But I mentioned today is a good day. Fast forward a little bit to age 12.

[37:19]

Parents sit me down for a conversation and let me know that my father has lymphoma. And Of course, when I hear that word as a 12-year-old, I just assume, you know, death. And it wasn't as much the, you know, they said there was a plan for treatment, yada, yada, yada. But more so what impacted me was the expression or the way that it landed on my dad. I don't know if, you know, his journey into philosophy didn't address death. that part of existence or perhaps because he didn't have a spiritual practice. But I knew in a non-indirect way that I wanted to face that part of my life or meet that part of my life in a way that didn't seem to change me in that way. And so that is, I think, yeah, a lot.

[38:24]

of what's behind my, my way seeking mind. So now for some more lively, uh, bits of my life, Kali, Yana, Mita, um, spiritual friend, spiritual friendship has been by far the most supportive, uh, aspect of my journey, my journey through life. Uh, so many of my dear friends are here today. I just throw about across the room, um, and online, but, uh, there's one special, uh, spiritual friend that I want to mention the most, and that is the love of my life, Kat, who I met when I was 16 years old. It was love upon first sight, and I was 16, so my kind of standards were. Met her one night through a mutual friend on a cool winter night in Arizona. Yeah, we fell in puppy love back then.

[39:25]

And even back then, due to her great sense of humor and also we had a heart connection. Her mother passed the same cancer. My dad eventually would when she was 12. But yeah, other than that, she was just gorgeous. And I did say, I think back then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And of course, I did not know what that meant. I did not know what love was. I didn't know who I was. But over the next couple of decades, and we're still practicing on this journey, you can imagine the different versions from 16 to 40. But again, thank goodness for the amazing, amazing friends that we've surrounded ourselves with, coming to various forms of practice, and also a very good family therapist. Thank you. Moving into the rock-tumbling of our householder years, I graduated from high school in 2000, and I'm a true millennial.

[40:30]

By then, Kat and I lived together. Shortly before I turned 20, my father died three days after 9-11. And again, I turned to my habitual bypass by saying, well... Gosh, the country's mourning. You know, 3,000 people are lost. I just lost one person. You know, I had my very connected and very loving father. Some people didn't have a father, had a bad relationship with their father, so on and so forth. And yeah, moving on in our... we went through different phases of maturing. Many of you can guess Kat was leading that race and went into different realms of experimentation and mine expansion. And I think you get the picture as my little ones here. And in addition, we had a lot of interesting adventures.

[41:32]

We, you know, been accosted at gun points. We Our engagement was a 30-minute show on MTV, if any of you remember what that is. But that has nothing to do with my way of seeking mind, so come see me for tea. But more or less because our parents had perished or had health problems at such an early age, we really started to turn towards what does wellness mean and health. At first, that was kind of just about working out. kind of the external side of things, but then later moved into more areas of personal development and, you know, emotional intelligence, but really with the thought of trying to kind of maximize ourselves or our efficiency, which is not how we associate to wellness now. Another interesting thing is I started to get into futurism.

[42:37]

and obsessively thinking about what the onslaught of technology would be like. I had many friends that had a baby in this hand, a cell phone in this hand, and were paying more and more attention to the phone and realized how, you know, much my life was benefited by the attention of my caregivers. And so, you know, that along with things... other areas of science, I would become somewhat consumed thinking about the future, thinking about future technologies. And we, at that time, heard about a conference that was here in the Bay Area called Wisdom 2.0. And so I went, or Kat and I went. And it was great. They talked about how tech and compassion could could exist together. But we met Dharma teachers for the first time. And John Kabat-Zinn, Jack Kornfield, and John Halifax from Upaya.

[43:42]

And beyond the great conversations, there was something about the presence of a practice person that resonated with us deeply. So we left the conference. I went back to the place I was working at the time in corporate and said, I want to train some folks in mindfulness. It's helped me in the past and, you know, you can get an ROI, all that. And so they let me do a little something and more or less at the end of it, they were like, no, no, that's sweet, but you're not going to get paid for that. And not too long after that, I was part of a leadership cohort that they were trying to train. And in a training, we had to write a vision statement. And so I wrote this kind of vision statement for myself. And I used to say it back and forth to work as I would go. And it's interesting when I just read back on it now.

[44:45]

My mission is to lead, to be a positive light in every endeavor, relationship, or interaction I partake in. I'll do this with honesty, servitude, loyalty, passion, and the ability to forever learn. This will require vision, focus, discipline, commitment, consistency, and follow-through. With these qualities, I plan to duplicate myself through others, resulting in a world of love and inner peace. So that didn't quite jive with the corporate setting. And I think it was more a hard exercise to know that the things that I wanted to discover or do in life was not in an environment to do so. Kat was going through... similar juggling. And at a short period of time, we had some unfortunate events. We had a miscarriage. Kat lost both of her grandparents that had been kind of second parents. And my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia, requiring that we switch roles in every form possible.

[45:50]

And before trying to have a child again, a meditation teacher that we had began to work with said, you from knowing what you both are looking for, go try deeper practice, long residential or retreat. And so Kat listened to Gil Fonsdale at the time. And one thing led to another. We heard it's how Sahara did what any responsible person in their 20s does, Googled it and. set voyage before you knew it. Many people, when they get to Ta-Sahara, call it a second kind of homecoming. I definitely can claim it as a new birth for me. I arrived on June 10th, 1982. That was my original birthday. 2012, on my 30th birthday. And was instantly greeted by this new concept of taking work as a practice and bowing to things. To be truthful, I really haven't looked back since.

[46:54]

One of the major sticking points in that summer, which was so amazing, was when I got noticed that my mom, who was still living independently, had probably had a stroke and needed to be situated in full-time care and whatnot. And so I received the news. We booked... The tickets, they were for the following day, which means that I was still going to stay there overnight. And the next morning, we had a half-day sit scheduled. And, of course, the teachers, as you all are so nice, were like, go take care of yourself, do what you need, go to the spa or the bath. And I actually chose to just sit. And, yeah, that experience was it. actually just stopped and met what was going on without trying to move, not necessarily to make things better, but just to be with myself. And yeah, this wasn't the normal bypass that I'd kind of been talking about.

[47:59]

And what I can say is from then on, that way of meeting things supported me in the next decade where I'd go see my mom dozens of times in the various forms that dementia, presents, again, meeting her in the way she was. By the time she left, I did not feel anything was left unsaid, and I did try my best to show up for her. Did I mention every day is a good day? So to wrap up here, kind of soonish, oh, I knew this time was going to come. The last 10 years, I've been kind of just full-fledged into practice. Ten years ago is when I arrived to City Center and was greeted by the Shuso at that time, who was Zenju Earthland Manuel, who was... And I'm going to name kind of like maybe five teachers or so who have been incredibly impactful to my journey.

[49:03]

She is one of them. Her teachings, The Way of Tenderness, is probably right there next to Zen Mind Beginner's Mind. It's something that I constantly am soaking in the Dharma from. And later in this Tumblr, I would meet my teacher, Abed Ed, who I asked to actually be my teacher over washing dishes. And if you know Ed or I, that's a very special place in both of our practice. And besides our shared, I think, householder lifestyle, appreciation for psychology and science paired with the Dharma, If you've never had the chance to Jisha for somebody, it is a wonderful opportunity. Roaming the hallways, the ceremonies, the times in silence, being able to care for another in that way, not one, not two, but a Buddha and a Buddha, really informed how I show up in my marriage and as a parent.

[50:13]

Another couple of rocks that I have to get a mention in that have deeply influenced me is the great Schinke, Mark Lancaster, who is my favorite coffee companion. We've shared hours of endless digression, which I've cherished, reminding me always to keep joy central to my practice. Another person, another rock I have to mention that's transforming is East Bay Meditation Center's guiding teacher, Musha Makeda, who has really, again, spent hours in deep conversation with me and showed me many things about how to teach, how to evoke curiosity, and to meet the person that's right in front of me. And last but not least, I have to... acknowledge the great teacher, the third jewel, dear Sangha. I would not be in this form of practice or practicing here for the future if it weren't for practicing with others.

[51:21]

It is the practice. Look who we are. And eventually Kat and I did have that child, my greatest teacher, Maya Lee Brown-Stevenson. Little Buddha. So amazing. Doesn't care at all what I'm saying right now. I'm totally into what she's in. Most of my talks that I did at Young Urban Zen are completely informed by her. So she will be up here soon enough through me. Lucky we are. So to close, my way seeking mind is right here. It's with my small group. On Wednesdays, as we meet these koans with a warm heart, an open heart, and spaciousness, it's trying to figure out what to feed Maya that will nourish her. And it's the mind that continues to change moment by moment, holding my Dharma name as a koan. Soan, Ginkhan, ancestor word, present completely.

[52:24]

Did I mention every day is a good day? Thank you. And I don't know, Brian, I think I'm out of time or do I have a question? What was that? Okay. I actually made it in time. If anybody has a question or remark, the hard part's over. Mark. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TALK, ELI. SO GOOD TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HISTORY. YOU JUST MENTIONED YOU LEARNED A LOT ABOUT INVOKING, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAID THAT, INVOKING CURIOSITY, IS THAT THE WORD YOU USED? COULD YOU TALK MORE ABOUT THAT? I WOULD DIRECT YOU TO MUSHIM. JUST A WAY OF, AND MAYBE I'VE USED THE WORD WRONG, BUT SHE KEEPS THE PRACTICE VERY FRESH AND IT'S JUST LIVELY AND

[53:32]

kind of brings forth this curiosity out of me that I think is really, really important to bring to practice, to bring to life, to bring to how we meet others. So that's more of what I meant. Maybe evoke wasn't the best word. Thank you. Yes, please. We have Ying in the Zoom room. Hi, thank you so much for your talk. I'm also raising three young children. So could you maybe give me an example? Because you mentioned that your daughter is the greatest teacher for you. Can you mention some challenges you had and how that have taught you?

[54:37]

So are you asking about the challenges I've had with her? Yes, yes. Yeah, most, you know, in a certain way, most of the challenges that I've had are with me, to tell you the truth. And not that, you know, she's a perfect pumpkin. But, you know, it's usually my kind of limitations, my bandwidth, my patience, my... not seeing what's in front of me that trips me up. You know, I have to also give credit to she has some really remarkable teachers that have helped balance out things. You know, in addition, I guess just to say about how she teaches me is... so much about having a beginner's mind, so much about having a forgiving mind, an honest mind and speaking from the heart.

[55:44]

Most children, if you don't get in their way, really are beautifully transparent. And again, I don't know if I'm, I don't think I'm actually answering your question because you asked about the troubles, but yeah, the best I can say is I'm usually the culprit of the troubles. Yeah, I have similar feelings, especially like if they have tantrum in my old mindset, I guess. I'll use old just for convention. I usually will think, judge and criticize. But I think Yuga Chara really helped me by think about my world, teaching from Yuga Chara how their mind is different from mine and how they live in a different world from their perception and my perception. enforce how I view this word unknown, to judge them. So, you know, I think that teaching really helps me. Thank you for that. And one teaching I'll share that has really helped me is just in general, from what we understand, you know, a child's in their body, trying to figure out their body until about age seven-ish.

[56:55]

Then it's time for feelings until they get into their teenage years. And then... conceptual and more mental. So I try to meet Maya in the realm that she is. So I'd always entertain these conversations forever. I encourage you to contact me offline. I'd love to talk about this. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Oh the time

[58:21]

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