This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone, and welcome to Zen Center. This looks like a New Year's resolution group, possibly. Well, this morning, I wanted to talk about something I've been thinking about, which is the issue of identity and what I call character formation. During the Rohatsu Sashin, at the beginning of December, someone asked me, what is no self? And I heard myself answer, it is the self... that is willing to be transformed. So, for the most part, we identify ourselves in terms of what Buddhism calls the permanent abiding self.

[01:13]

And this is often referred to in Western culture as the ego. So, this is the collection of our Various types of identities are family, cultural, racial, class, educational, sexual, gender-based, and the definitions we have of those things, the experiences, and the interpretations. So it's not just the things themselves, but how we interpret them, how we experience them. And there's also a level of survival technique in all these things. definitions, and a form of narcissism that has both positive and negative aspects. So I think of this as how pride, our sense of ourself in a certain way, is often accompanied by blame and resentment and shame and self-pity.

[02:21]

Just human of dealing with everything. So the intention of this no-self, this self that is willing to be transformed, doesn't erase any of that, but instead sees all of it as the resource for transformation. Now, this is because there's no other view of reality that's actually available to us. We can't take ourselves, lift ourselves out of our history and our biography and place ourselves in some other reality. This is exactly what we have. So as an example, I thought I'd give you a short version of my own identity. My mother's family is Jewish and they're from both

[03:24]

Polish and Russian backgrounds, and when you hear that, there's all kinds of ideas and judgments that go with that, and suddenly you think you know who I am, and that's fine. This is how our minds work, right? So there's little complexities in there, of course, as there are with everyone's identity. So one side of this Polish-Russian-Jewish family is light-skinned, And the other side is dark-skinned and dark-colored. And there's probably some Sephardic, maybe some other Middle Eastern. And I have this kind of esoteric memory of being in Armenia in some past life. And I don't know why I have that idea. But when I was growing up, I would look at a map of the world. And either in my mind or physically, I would put my hand over that section. And I didn't even know what it was called. I was so afraid of it.

[04:27]

So I think there's something there. And that's part of all this too. What have we inherited in terms of our identity that we can't so much define? It's something like a racial memory or a physical, just as we've inherited all these physical characteristics, have we inherited some memories? That's what I wonder. So my mother's parents met in the United States at the beginning of the 20th century, and her father was a bootlegger and a gambler, and he wasn't around very much, so they grew up poor. And when my mother was a girl, she was very dark, and her Yiddish-speaking family called her schwarza, or darky, blacky. And one of her sisters was blonde, light-colored, maybe blue eyes, I'm not really sure, and she was the favorite.

[05:31]

So what happened, the consequence of that is my mother kind of displaced her hurt about that when I was born, her third child, and the first child who was blonde and blue-eyed. And so I grew up, and then one of my sisters who was dark was my mother's favorite. So I grew up with this kind of feeling like I was ugly because I was white. So it's just, you know. But it was very confusing because, of course, my father was very white. His background was German, Irish, and Welsh Catholic. So then you have another view. So now, oh, that's who she is. Maybe there I can see that. But they mostly were very light-colored. My father, when he was born, had white hair. And his mother was an Irish orphan who was adopted in the United States. And when he was young, his family was very wealthy, and then they lost a lot of money during the Depression.

[06:40]

And both of his parents were alcoholics, and so was my father. And my father was a taxi driver, wasn't around very much, and so... We all grew up, you know, my brother and my sisters and I grew up poor. So finding some sort of cultural or ethnic or class or racial identity in all that has been a real challenge for me. And sometimes I was like, well, can't I be this? No. And can't I be that? No. So when people say to me, you know, well, if your mother is Jewish, you're Jewish. Or someone once said to me, your face is the map of Ireland. And a lot of people think I'm from New York. So I just kind of smile. I don't really know. I could be any of those. But there was also this terrible irony for me when I read about Pope Pius XII during World War II where he had this ambivalent sort of way of

[07:49]

of addressing what was happening to European Jews, and part of it was because he was trying to protect German and other European Catholics. So here I am again, you know, this irony, terrible pulling. And, you know, in the history of... any civilization, but Western civilization, Catholics and Protestants have been taking turns, you know, persecuting and murdering each other and justifying the persecution and murder of Jews. And because they have this both identity in a certain way, to me this all seems kind of tragically human, and I expect it to just go on indefinitely. And yet I'm angry and I'm frustrated by what is to me the stupidity of prejudice and persecution, the negation of the other.

[09:03]

And what I've decided is that my basic identity is a survivor. Somehow my ancestors figured out how to manage And then eventually my parents met, and then they were two survivors who met and created more survivors. But what's funny is that I don't have any way to sort of, even though I feel some affinity with all those different backgrounds that I have, I can't really land on anyone, and I can't really understand completely. Any one of those. Like I can't completely understand what it is to be a Polish-Russian Jew. I can't completely understand what it is to be a Catholic. I'm not able to. So this may be true of some others of you who have a mixed background. And one of the things I've thought of, well, I can be an American.

[10:11]

Lots of people came here and survivors and mixed with other survivors. And yet there's a lot of ambiguity in that because of how power structures work. And then there's other labels and identities that can be fashioned. And one of them is to call myself a Buddhist. And so whatever our background, my background, your background or identity may be, the question for a Buddhist practitioner is, what is my path to transformation or freedom? So if we cling to an identity or even the identity that we have created, we miss an opportunity of self-knowledge that's beyond our conditioning.

[11:14]

And yet if we deny our identity or the one we've created, we miss the poignancy of its resource for our self-understanding. So in the collection of Buddhist teachings called the Dhammapada, there's a section of the first verse that addresses this, I think. Our life is shaped by our mind. We become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it. Our life is shaped by our mind. We become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves. He or she insulted me, hurt me, defeated me, robbed me. Those who dwell on such thoughts will never be free from hatred.

[12:17]

He or she insulted me, hurt me, defeated me, robbed me. Those who do not dwell on such thoughts will surely become free from hatred. For hatred can never put an end to hatred. Love alone can. This is an unalterable law. People forget that their lives will end soon. For those who remember, quarrels come to an end. So the teachings of Buddhism are not ideals that we can adapt by making some sort of decision or vow and sort of interpreting them in a self-justifying way. I read somewhere that idealism is a form of violence. And it was sort of taken aback, but I thought about how rigid we can become when we create this good world that supports us.

[13:26]

And then we want to have everybody live that way. You know, sort of impose it on everyone. The teachings are also not accusations or promises. They're meant to be turned in our mind and our heart and our body, and the purpose of them is to illuminate what's going on in there and our conditioned view of reality and our sense of our selfhood. So that's just shining a light on all of that. So I think the world is and it always has been a kind of a wonderful and a horrible place. Troubled place. So who will be in charge?

[14:27]

Who will do the work? Who will get the most food? And how does the community survive and thrive? And what defines... community and who does it include? Our efforts at Zen Center in nurturing a diverse community I think have been partly hindered by the notion that that is a kind of a doing good or being good. And I think this can create a kind of irritating power dynamic and denial, and sort of lip service, or feeling patronized by this. And that affects everyone. The theologian Edward Skillebecks, I wrote a paper on him in one of my classes, my theology classes.

[15:34]

He's a very unusual person, but his view of inclusion is as Non-indifference. So non-indifference is different than, you know, being good or doing good. It means you're included, for one thing, but it also means that ambiguity and difficulty and all of that are expected and acceptable. So I think some of you came to Zen Center, arrived here and felt very welcomed and very, felt friendliness and acceptance and everything. And that is very true. That is here. And then some have come to Zen Center and felt a kind of hesitation or sort of ambivalence or rejection, not being welcomed.

[16:42]

And that's also true. And then there's nuances where people don't like too much friendliness because it feels like they're being converted or don't want too much attention because they kind of prefer to find their own way. So this place is just what it is. And as we enter, we find both what... is here and what we bring. And this is happening all the time, all the time. And whatever brought us to Zen Center or to Buddhism, to practice, to meditation, it's only part of this whole swirling reality and variety of what other people came here for and how our intention changes and shifts over time. And you never know where anyone is on this path.

[17:45]

Where are they? Sometimes there are periods of great peace and joy in practice. But a lot of it's very difficult and exhausting and confusing. Most Zen teachers have said something like, If you haven't wept deeply many times during your practice, you're probably not practicing hard enough. Because, you know, applying the teachings to our condition is very difficult. We tend instead to apply them to others. That person should be a better Buddhist. This is what Buddhists are supposed to do. And why aren't they acting right? That's very natural, you know, why shouldn't we do that? But I realized that there's only one person who I can change, and who I can accept change in, and that is myself.

[18:51]

And, you know, even though it looks like there are rewards, like I wear this robe instead of a black robe, or instead of a ragasu, that sort of thing, there really aren't any rewards. You're just always doing it. And there's no yearbook, you know, most likely to be enlightened, best attendance, you know, that sort of thing. Most involved in all the clubs and everything. But when people complain about Zen Center, I usually kind of agree with them, most of their complaints, you know. And what I say is... okay, but do what you came here to do. Whatever's happening, just remember to do what you came here to do. And, you know, look at this place. We have three locations. It is a community, and it provides, you know, both the camaraderie of that and the incredible challenges, I think, that sort of point us to our...

[20:03]

own stuff and hope and issues and wishes and dreams and everything else. Because as I was saying, you know, community life, whether it's here or in your family or wherever, it's fraught with all kinds of the normal issues of life. The power issues, who's doing what and who's not doing what, who's responsible for this and that and this and that. And people in leadership roles will often make these decisions and make this effort to impose that on the community. And, you know, some people might not like that and you sort of resent this imposition. And we could all be more skillful and we all make miscalculations and mistakes.

[21:05]

I think if we listen and deeply apply the teachings that are available to us, there's a variety of ways. The version of the Dhammapada that I was using, the person who put it together said, This is a compilation of teachings so that they're available to everyone. And you look at them and you say, how can I do this? And yet they're supposed to be the simplified version. The Dhammapada is the simplified version of the teachings. If you pick it up, you'll wonder, how can I do this? But again, these teachings are meant to illuminate, not criticize, not challenge, not make you feel bad, or make you feel arrogant. Oh, I'm wonderful. Whatever it might be.

[22:08]

I think that, you know, these miscalculations and mistakes and our justification for them are also the key to our freedom. So this verse from the Dhammapada describes those miscalculations in terms of interpretation. He or she insulted me. He or she hurt me. He or she defeated me. He or she robbed me. And it doesn't say that these things don't happen, or didn't happen, or that we shouldn't do anything about them. I think that we've all had some kind of trauma in our life, small or great, or in between. And in situations of trauma, those who are most likely to recover from it are those who were able to defend themselves, even if it wasn't successful.

[23:10]

So a lot of our traumas or griefs or things that we carry and sort of overlay on the world are from those situations where we weren't able to defend ourselves. So when they come up again, not only is that sort of undefensiveness, not being able to defend ourselves come up, but also the feeling that we can't. And so there's this... We get caught in this kind of repetitive and circular response and reaction to things that trigger us. And then, if we're... if we're not able to just keep shining that light, and I'll talk a little bit more about that, we don't get to that part, you know, for hatred can never put an end to hatred, love alone can. This is an unalterable law. People forget that their lives will end soon. For those who remember, quarrels come to an end.

[24:14]

And it doesn't say that there won't be any quarrels or no reason for them. but the implication is that we dwell on them less. And that's not only a Buddhist teaching, it's in other traditions as well. But I think it's so difficult that mostly we just get glimpses of what it might mean. Love alone can. So we interpret love, even there, you know, this love out of that voice, that sense, that teaching, and interpret it in a self-serving way. And, you know, all sorts of rigmarole about loving yourself and everyone else, and that sort of thing. But the love referred to here is the love of the no-self. And the love of the no-self is a transformed and transformative type of love.

[25:19]

And it's very hopeful because it frees both us and others. And this is the hopefulness of what I call character formation. So however available we are, you know, to this possibility of transformation, our personality is going to remain. It's... As I said, you can't lift yourself out and put yourself somewhere else. So we're never finished. But the process and the effort become familiar and subtle and more subtle. And I think we slowly allow ourselves to become more flexible and more vulnerable. And possibly... We can even find this kind of true humor or perspective in the unfolding of the, or the unsolvability, actually, of the human condition.

[26:26]

John Donne, the 16th and 17th century English cleric and poet, describes three kinds of hearts. Perfect hearts, suitable to be presented to God, perverse hearts suitable for the devil, and a middle kind of hearts, which are not so perfect and not so desperate. This is a melting heart and a troubled heart and a wounded heart and a broken heart and a contrite heart, and such a heart I have. So the teachings of Buddhism are well suited to this middle kind of heart. not so perfect, and not so desperate. What I think the teachings give us is the perspective to see clearly what is happening, to name that experience, and to see how we create it, along with everyone else, each of us repeating our patterns.

[27:42]

of manipulation and denial and self-justification and, of course, hope and dreams and wishes. One way I've worked with this is that when I have a difficult relationship with someone, or a good relationship with someone, actually, both, I try to see what belongs to that person and what belongs to me. because I can't do anything about the other person in a certain way, but I can do something about my part. And so I look at that, and I look at that, and I might, you know, it's not like I don't communicate any of that with the other person, but, you know, what am I bringing to this? What belongs to me? And then I can choose, you know, through that examination, whether I want to do something different or modify it or speak to the person about it in some way.

[28:47]

Now, we wouldn't need the teaching if it wasn't difficult. So one of the most difficult things is to maintain continuous awareness and patience and never believing that we've got it right. And this can be pleasant, and it can be unpleasant, because we ask, am I so self-righteous? Am I so proud? Am I so ashamed? Am I so addicted? Am I so humorless? And we probably are, but so is everyone else. And according to Buddhism, what underlies all that is fear. So... And a lot of that is quite reasonable fear. So it's not ever as though we're judging ourselves as being right about this or wrong about this, but it's how we are illuminating it, how we're examining it, and why.

[29:57]

So there's... I didn't want to talk about any particular situation in the world because there are so many, but... men and women and children, you know, are harmed and harm others very nearby and very far away from us. And stopping that harm and nourishing our ability to care for each other is something that we do on the outside, but a lot of it happens on the inside. I'm going to end with the words of this American pop song. It's from 1978. And I don't know, as I was thinking about all this, it came to my mind. It's called Dust in the Wind, written by Carrie Livgren of a group called Kansas.

[31:08]

And the person who, the original singer, was Steve Walsh. I close my eyes only for a moment, and the moment's gone. All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity. Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind. Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind. Now don't hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips away and all your money won't another minute buy. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind. Dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind. So you know that sounds kind of gloomy and there's a couple of inaccuracies in there.

[32:14]

But it was the group's most popular song, and it was not quite like a lot of their other songs. Also, in the middle, there's this interlude of piano and violin, and it's surprising, you know, in the middle of this pop song. And the singer has this most beautiful voice. You know, because the song was in my mind, I went to YouTube because I hadn't heard it in years. And he's a beautiful voice. So what struck me about the song and maybe why it came to my mind is that it kind of weaves this sense of our impermanence with this sense of our personal expression. Like, you write a song about impermanence, and it's this beautiful voice and this beautiful intro and this most popular song. And so this idea of transformation or character formation has the same kind of hope and promise in it.

[33:25]

You look at your impermanence and then you express it in this beautiful sort of popular way that inspires all these other people. They're screaming, all these people are screaming while he's singing. So even when we sort of start moving in that direction, you know, it doesn't mean our troubles are over and we don't want them to be over in a certain way. They're our resource for deepening our self-understanding and our understanding of others. But we just might sort of start to deal with it a little differently. Not dwell on our quarrels. Have them, understand the reason for them, and see if we cannot dwell on them. So the turning of the year is traditionally a time when we sort of review our life, our blessings, and our challenges.

[34:38]

And we decide, you know, to do everything the same way, or to maybe do one or two things, or lots of things differently. I made quite a few New Year's resolutions, and they're too difficult, some of them. But I'll try. And I hope that all will be well for you. and for everyone who is near and far away. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[35:40]

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