This podcast is offered by called The Harmony of Difference and Equality. And a couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk about two lines, which were that light and dark oppose one another, like the front and back, foot and walking. And since my practice is... basically just putting one foot in front of the other.

[01:02]

I thought I would continue on that theme by skipping ahead a couple of lines to if you don't understand the way right before you, how will you know the path as you walk? And then the next two lines are progress is not a matter of far or near, but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way. So there was an old Zen master named Zwaygon. And every morning he would call to himself. He would say, Master, Master. And then he would respond, Here I am. And then he would instruct himself further. Be awake, be alert. And he would respond, I will, I will.

[02:05]

Don't be deceived by anything. I won't, I won't. According to some versions of this story, he would sometimes go into the lecture hall, ascend the teaching seat and say, Master, Master. Here I am. Be awake. Be alert. I will. I will. Don't be deceived by anything. I won't. And then he would bow and leave the lecture hall. That'd be nice. We could all go to bed early. Tonto says no. So I was introduced to This story by my teacher, Norman Fisher, who did a practice period at Green Gulch and had Dokusan with Norman.

[03:10]

And I was in trouble for some reason that I forget. Really, it couldn't be anything. And, you know, I told Norman that I was upset and he asked why and I said because I... I did this, you know, silly thing, whatever it is. And he said, well, why did you do that? And I said, because I'm an idiot. And Norman said, that is no way to talk to yourself. And I said, well, how do you suggest I do talk to myself? And Norman said, Every morning, Zwaygon, when he woke up, would say, master, master. And he would respond, here I am. And so I actually took up that practice, not out loud because I'm not quite as bold as Zwaygon.

[04:17]

First thing when I get up, well, first thing when I get up, I think it's too early. But the next thing I think, I call to myself, and my Dharma name is Kyoji Kenshin. I say, Kyoji Kenshin. And then I say, here I am. And I did this practice for, oh, a couple years, actually. And then we did a half-day sit in the summer at Tazahara, led by the Tonto. And we discussed... this case and I actually hadn't read the case I just did what Norman said but in Mumon's verse Mumon's comment it says one calling the other answering one wide awake the other saying he will never be deceived

[05:27]

If you stick to any of them, you will be a failure. If you imitate Zwaygon, you will play the fox. And I thought, well, I kind of am just imitating Zwaygon. And because I don't want to be a fox, I quit doing that practice. And then in the fall practice period, which was led by Mel Weitzman, had docus on with Mel, and I told him this. And he said, well, you better start again. I said, okay. And I find and the last time a talk I gave a couple of weeks ago, I spoke a bit about how I have a tendency to be very self-critical. And quite a few of the people who were in the audience at the time were nodding.

[06:29]

So I think that might have been familiar to some of you. And I actually took up that practice of calling myself when I notice I'm really getting in one of those self-critical loops. That, you know, I have this this very judgmental voice inside me. And so many of my decisions are kind of driven by that voice. And so I was thinking one day, you know, that I would... I would try this practice of calling myself, and I said, and then I kind of waited to see who was going to answer.

[07:34]

And this, you know, nasty voice that has been controlling my actions for so long, it didn't have anything to say. And I thought that was really interesting that I kind of thought that that was the master. And it turns out it's not. So I encourage You all have to take up that practice if you want to. I think this is kind of if I am not so

[08:52]

so driven by my my fear of making a mistake you know or looking looking stupid then I can see a lot more choices ahead of me and that I kind of feel I can understand the way right before me you know that I'm not just blindly running away from scary situations and actually checking in with this deeper self that doesn't talk as often and that I have to pay a lot more attention to hear

[09:54]

what it has to say. And so I was talking to one of my co-workers who's an employee at Zen Center and she asked what the talk was going to be about and I said it's about walking. And she said oh yeah, like that koan about stepping off the 100-foot pole. And I said, no, actually that wasn't really what I was thinking, but it's very interesting that she went there. She also actually, the koan is about a 100-foot pole, but she said a 10,000-foot pole. So... Things are a little bit stressful in the accounting office right now.

[10:54]

So I thought that was, you know, if that was where she wanted to go, then why not bring that up? It isn't much of a koan. It's... Question, how can you proceed on further from the top of a 100-foot pole? And that's basically it. And Muman's comment is, if you go on further and further and turn your body about, no place is left where you are not the master. But even so, tell me, how will you go on further from the top of a 100-foot pole? And... There was a modern Chan teacher named Shen Yen, who was the founder of Dharma Drum. And he had three methods of teaching his students.

[12:10]

And... One of them was Wado, which is very similar to koan practice. Another is a repeating Buddhist name. And the third is signed illumination, which is basically the Shikantaza just sitting practice that we do here at San Francisco Zen Center. And of course, the students complained So the people who were assigned repeating Buddha's name thought it was boring and they wanted a Wado instead. And people who were working with Wado thought it was frustrating and they would rather repeat Buddha's name. And the people who were sitting silent illumination wanted to do absolutely anything else in the world besides silent illumination. Or maybe I'm projecting, but...

[13:13]

Shigen tells you, it's not really that terrible, except when it is. But, Shigen's response, he says, if you have such ideas of seeking, you will be in trouble. Just concern yourself with your method. Persist with your method to the very end. This in itself is close to a state of unity. If you hold to it, eventually you'll reach a point where the method disappears and you'll experience one mind. So the way he explained it is it's... When you're working with your method, whatever it is, at some points in your meditation practice, persisting with your method is like following a very steep and narrow path.

[14:22]

And the longer we persist in following this path, the path gets wider and wider until eventually the boundaries of the path disappear. And then... It's, you have this experience, like Hong Xiu's writings on silent illumination, he says, to wander into the center of the circle of wonder. Or as Dogen Zenji says, enter the Dharma gate of repose and bliss. And it's, you know, when I have that experience where, you know, the path opens up to this really expansive place, I really like that.

[15:30]

And my feeling is, well, now that I've reached this expansive place, this circle of wonder, I think I'll build a little house here. And the hot tub will go there. And that's not, I don't think that's really what Sheng Yen was saying. I think, you know, as we've been studying in the Sandokai, we see either one side or the other. And both sides are actually always in play. So yesterday, Abadad was trying to convince us that we move constantly between the relative and the absolute. And I said, I think I spend at least 98% of my time in the relative, but I thought I wasn't giving myself enough credit.

[16:34]

And I think I spend about 98% of my zazen time climbing this really steep, narrow path through, you know, snakes and poison oak. And I also believe that this, the Dharma gate of repose and bliss is actually always there as well. And Xu Yun, Empty Cloud, his version is to concentrate on your method like a mouse trying to gnaw its way out of a coffin. The mouse must focus on one area, and it must not stop until it is gnawed through. Isn't that a lovely image? Yeah. So... So, two weeks ago was my first Dharma talk.

[17:45]

Or my second, if you include the Waisiki Mind Talk, which I do. And as I was standing by the Akohan, I was thinking of my first summer at Tassahara. And the director and the Tenzo were driving out to go to a conference. And it's a very narrow road. Um... And so they were driving along, and they got to the second overlook. And there was a condor, a California condor, standing in the road. So they kept driving slowly towards it, figuring that it would fly away. And it said it just walked further down the road. And they kept driving, and it kept walking. And they finally decided they didn't want... to stress it out.

[18:48]

So they turned around, they backed up and came back to Tassajara. And then the director called the condor hotline, which I didn't know there was, but there is. And she reported that there was, you know, a sick or injured California condor at this location. And they will actually, you know, people will come and check up on it. And the condor expert on the other end of the line asked for some more details. And then he said, oh, no, it's fine. There's nothing wrong with the bird. He said, it knows it has to jump off a cliff and it doesn't want to. I have no idea why I thought of that while I was preparing for my Dharma talk. So it was a juvenile, and it was fledgling.

[19:52]

The condor expert said, sometimes, the parents were nearby, he was still quite dependent on his parents, said, if he waits too long, one of the parents will probably show up and give him a push. I wonder what that's like. And that is kind of like what you do at the top of the 100-foot pole, right? You know you have to jump off a cliff and you don't want to. And our practice is kind of... preparing for this cliff so that when we have to jump, or when the abbot gives us a push, or when we're just walking along minding our own business and the ground disappears, we fall into an abyss, we have a chance to figure out how to fly before we hit the ground.

[21:15]

I mean, for a young condor, the stakes are, you know, pretty high. And, you know, for me giving a Dharma talk, I mean, probably whatever happens will be survivable. So, you know, it's being... I have, you know... some willingness to fall. Actually, one of the commentaries on the proceeding from the top of the pole, it's, proceed on from the top of the pole and you will show your whole body in the 10 directions. You know, I kind of see that as like, you know, splat, but it's probably not what he meant. But we'll see. We'll see.

[22:17]

And one really inspiring story for me about falling. We were actually discussing this in our priest meeting this week. that Dogen Zenji, who was the founder of our school in Japan, he wrote an essay called The Salute to the Kesa, which is... This robe that I'm wearing is called the Kesa. And he tells a story of the nun Utpalavarna. And she would come up to these... crowds of well-to-do young women, and she would say, come with me, leave the home life, receive the precepts, and come with me.

[23:25]

And the young women said, but if we receive the precepts, we might break them. Anupala Barna said, okay, if you break them, then you break them. And the young women said, but if we break them, we might fall into hell. And Upala Varno said, well, if you fall into hell, then you fall. Leave the home life anyway. And she went on to tell the story of when, in a previous life, she was a courtesan, and she dressed up as a Buddhist nun, I don't know. Maybe she went trick-or-treating. Probably not. And I guess she'd been a bit naughty in that lifetime.

[24:27]

So she died and she went to hell. And that sucked. But then because of the merit of wearing the robe just for a night of trick-or-treating, after she... got out of hell. She was reborn and was able to meet with the Buddha and receive the precepts and become a nun. So her point of view was try and fail. It's okay. If you need to go to hell, then go to hell. And I have such a terrible fear of falling that sometimes I don't try.

[25:36]

Especially, you know, it takes a lot of work to get up on top of a 100-foot pole. You know? And it's got a really good view. Especially, you know, if I get to look down on our view who aren't 100 feet up in the air. And then... Eventually, there's really no choice but to take that step and see what happens. Because there's nowhere else to go. being on top of the 100-foot pole, it's like being, you know, outside of things.

[26:52]

It feels like this is where I can find, you know, equanimity. You know, that I'm outside of all, you know, these quarrels and feelings. the mundane world. So I was discussing this theme of walking, of going through relative and absolute and self and others as if it's just alternating steps and walking forward. I came to sort of think about a kind of equanimity that isn't from taking myself out of all the things that confuse me, but having some fluidity and being able to move from one view to another.

[28:14]

you know, without getting stuck. I think an even better metaphor would be like pedaling a bicycle because you can only balance on a bicycle as long as it's moving. I found that out the hard way. And especially with regards to the precepts, you know, keeping the precepts. And it's so... It's so hard. A lot of the time, you know, it's very simple rules, like, you know, don't steal, don't tell lies. And then when I get into these really sticky interpersonal relationships, it's like, you know, M... Am I telling a lie or withholding some fact to protect someone from something that would really hurt them?

[29:31]

Or am I doing this to avoid a painful and possibly necessary conversation. And I was talking about this with the online practice group that I meet with on Monday afternoons. And I think we kind of agreed that in working... to really be true to follow, to our intention to follow the precepts. It requires a willingness to be uncomfortable, you know. If I too, too convinced that I'm doing the wrong, or that I'm doing the right thing or doing the wrong thing,

[30:44]

then I think that that's where I start to get into trouble. That I am not open to the situation probably isn't what I think it is. I want to close with a poem because I hear that's what you do at the end of a Dharma talk. So this is a poem by Rumi. The way of love is not a subtle argument. The door there is devastation. Birds make great sky circles of their freedom. How do they learn that? They fall. and falling their given wings.

[31:47]

The way of love is not a subtle argument. The door there is devastation. It's definitely my experience. That's true for love of practice. People tend to sit here and it's a... kind of a tradition that people give away Sikhi Mind Talk. There's one tomorrow morning where they talk about why, how they came to practice, how they came to Soto Zen Buddhism. It's usually not because things were going really, really well and they thought sitting Zazen would make it even more perfect. Usually people come here as a last resort. Birds make great sky circles of their freedom.

[32:52]

How do they learn that? They fall and falling, they're given wings. If anyone has any Questions or complaints or comments or concerns? Christian. this pole is metaphorical.

[34:07]

And, you know, I think, for me, you know, it's, you know, maybe for you it's not stepping off a 100-foot pole. Maybe, For you, it's surfing the wave, you know? It's stepping into the unknown, being willing to be uncomfortable and not know what happens next, you know? There's... I've got this whole book of koans, and I've got three more even bigger up in my room.

[35:15]

So, you know, if the imagery of a koan doesn't work for you, then, you know, you can ignore that one and find another one. You know, there's some really good ones in here. And I think it's not, you know... If you look at it, you know, from the perspective of a young condor, you know, it knows it has to jump off a cliff. It doesn't know yet that it's going to be able to fly. But, you know, it's mom and dad are there. they can show them how it's done. Is that at all helpful? Is that it?

[36:20]

Thank you all very much for coming. I'm new to this whole Dharma talk thing, so I would really If anyone's comfortable giving me some feedback, I'd really appreciate that. Thank you all very, very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[37:13]

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