This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. My name is Susan. It's also Zesho Gentaku. That's my Dharma name. was invited to speak tonight by the Tonto, David, who's not here right now, but Wendy in his place. Thank you. Realm of Tonto. And I think I'm sure I was invited to speak specifically tonight because I've just been through a ceremony. And I think often when this happens, a person is asked to come and be with the community and

[01:00]

and maybe express whatever there is to be expressed about not just the ceremony, but where we all are right now because of the ceremony. I had this really nice little talk that I had worked on over the weekend, and then I met with... bunch of friends this morning who threw me a little brown robe party over in the administration building and then I met afterwards with Linda Gallion and I told her a little bit what I was going to talk about and she said well you know really people just want to know how you are and who you are and how it is and so I wasn't quite willing to not bring the talk so here's the talk But I realized that in this place I'm in, I have so few words to describe it that I was concerned I wasn't going to have anything to offer you except I don't know.

[02:13]

So that's why I did this talk. But instead, I'm going to offer you a little bit more of I don't know. And... There's a lot of things I don't know, and they are very, very apparent to me right now. One of which is how to wear this robe, this particular new piece of material that was sewn by my hands, but also with the help of the whole sewing room, particularly Tim Wicks, Saint Tim. I really appreciate his great help. I don't know how to wear it, It's new. It's a new friend. It's a new friend. I also don't know, when I look down and see Brown, it's a little scary, folks. It's a little bit scary. And I want to explore that with you a little bit because that's my fault.

[03:16]

And maybe it's a little bit your fault, too. So what do we do? What do we do to each other, with each other around these initiations and these ceremonies? What are our expectations and what are mine, what are yours? So Linda also said that probably there are people here who have no idea what the words dharma transmission mean. Would you raise your hands if you're not familiar with that process? One, two, three. Yes, several, several. Okay. So I'll just give you a little bit of a description. Here at San Francisco Zen Center, there are a lot of opportunities to make vows. And we offer that along with the sitting meditation, making a vow, lining yourself up with your values, exposing your values to yourself and to your friends and family so that they can support those vows.

[04:17]

We offer this a lot. And we offer it for lay practice for the people who have on the blue rakasus. They've made some vows in public and sewn this Buddha's robe and done a ceremony. When a person has a calling to ordain as a priest, there's a very similar ceremony to the one in which lay practitioners take their vows. We take the same vows. but there are some differences in what we're willing to be responsible for. And a lot of that has to do with ceremonies and being priests. And that means a whole range of things. So both of those steps are something that I took. One of which, the lay ordination, I received before I've ever moved into Zen Center. Like many of you, I come here, I came here

[05:19]

for nourishment, for community, for stimulation, for investigation. When you ordain, you ordain with a teacher. And priest ordination is a greater commitment even between a teacher and a student. I... I ordained as a priest in 1999 here in this Buddha hall. I had just had knee surgery and I put my crutches outside the, my hip surgery I guess, and I put my crutches outside the door and that was the first time I had walked in to do the ceremony. So that was wonderful. It has been wonderful to explore what it means to be a priest. And then there's another opportunity.

[06:22]

And it's not exactly taking vows, but it's expressing yourself in public and sort of checking out what your understanding is. And it's called being head student or being chuseau. These are kind of steps in a way. If we had a practice that was about steps and stages, which we say we don't, these would be the steps and stages. So there's a... head student moment where you in public answer questions after having been the hopeful good model for sitting and being with people during a practice period. And I was invited to do that in 2004. And then maybe that's it. Maybe that's... And that offering, that head student offering, is both for lay practitioners and priest practitioners. But sometimes, between a teacher and a student, there's the kind of relationship that feels like it's continuing to develop.

[07:40]

It continues to develop. And And there's an affinity, an affinity between the teacher and student. It doesn't mean you always agree. Matter of fact, there are times when it's a good idea to test that out, to see how much of that relationship is about compliance versus honesty. So over the period of time, and it varies, it can be a little bit of time, it can be a long time, It's possible that a teacher will invite their student to go through this process called Dharma Transmission. Prior to that time, as a priest or as a lay teacher, if you've been the head student, if you've done the Shuso practice, you can teach. You can do a class. You can be invited to give a talk. But you are not yet...

[08:45]

ready to ordain other people. And that's the step that gets cultivated between a teacher and a student. That possibility of being a person who will take on that responsibility in the lineage of the teacher. That's what gets explored and that's what my teacher and I explored for many years with some bumps in the road. And about four years ago, he invited me to start studying. And he said, those of you who know him will appreciate this. My teacher is Tension Rab Anderson. He was out at Green Gulch. And he looked at me one day and he said, well, he said, you could sew another robe. I said, oh, really? And he said, it could be brown. That was it. That was the invitation. It was quite subtle. And it wasn't final, you know.

[09:46]

It was an absolute. There would be all kinds of things that would happen along the path of sewing the robe and studying together. But eventually what happens is you go into a ceremonial relationship that takes three weeks. And I just did that out at Green Gulch Farm where my teacher lives and where I lived for eight years, although I missed you I did miss you. It was strange to go into the dining room and have no one want to sit with me. You know, they didn't know who I was, and I was kind of, you know, I had shaped my head, and who's this strange person? By the end, we were all sitting together because then they came forward to support the ceremony. The ceremony is done with the support of the community in terms of... attendants walking around and I'm not going to go into the details of the ceremony although I could talk a little bit more about it.

[10:47]

I want to leave room for questions. Because the one thing I know is that I don't know what it means to have received this Dharma transmission. It is so new that I don't have a picture and I don't have words. But the other thing I know, I guess I know two things. I know I don't know, but I also know that what it is will arise between us. That it's not about me or about you, it's about what are we doing together. So how could I possibly know? How could I possibly know what this means? Except by assumption. And I'm I'm really concerned about assumption right now. My own and yours. So let's talk this through a little bit.

[11:51]

When it first arose in me after I moved into Zen Center in 1995, I was 50 years old. I came for refuge, like many of you do, having experienced a lot of loss. And I needed to grieve, but I didn't know it. So I had to come here and slow down enough that I would stop avoiding the pain. And I like to tell the story of how I was working in the development office. Zen Center found out that I knew how to raise money. So I was immediately grabbed. and taken into the development office, and one day I started crying, and I rolled up in a ball in the fetal position on the floor in what is now room one, and just started weeping just from the bottom, you know, with that kind of crying where your diaphragm is kicking up into your lungs. And I don't know how long it went on, but people just walked around me.

[13:01]

It's like, oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, this needs to happen. Maybe they could see it before then. I couldn't. So that kind of cathartic release of grief grounded me, or I was grounded so the cathartic release could happen. And maybe a month or two later, I went, this is what I want to study for the rest of my life. This is an endless study. It's endless. It's about questioning. It's not about necessarily getting answers. And that felt like that was going to take up enough of me to satisfy me. I wanted to be completely used up.

[14:02]

And this seemed like a pretty good practice to do that. So that's when the idea arose in me, the kind of, oh, I think I'd like to be a priest. Never, never in my wildest imaginations earlier in my life did I think I would be here. Never. So watch out. You don't know. You don't know where you're going to end up. These threads are invisible, but very strong. So the other thing I wanted to say, because Linda said do a little way-seeking mind talk, and I get kind of bored by my way-seeking mind talk, but I would say my life before I came here was in filmmaking, storytelling. And often ask me, well, how can that, being in the film business and running around and parties and film festivals, how does that line up with Zen study, Zen practice?

[15:16]

And to me, the thread, the invisible thread there is I'm really interested in knowing the truth. I want to know the truth. I want to know what's real. I want to know what's true. And then I want to see how it can be manifest in a way that's never been done before, that helps people in ways that's helpful, that's really helpful to people by opening up their heart, opening up their mind, shocking them, caressing them, whatever is needed. help people line themselves up with truth. Not a truth. Not a particular truth. But what's true? What is this life? What is this life? So that's never stopped.

[16:18]

It almost doesn't matter what the activity is for me. That's the ground. So in the Dharma Transmission ceremony, one of the major activities is bowing. And bowing to all the altars around Green Gulch every day, twice a day, before zazen, after dinner, so early and late, and also bowing to each ancestor's name, separately ringing a bell, offering incense and bowing. There are And when I was thinking today about how I feel like I have new skin, something has peeled away and there's that tender new skin underneath right now.

[17:25]

Because the talk that I was going to give you is about bowing. And I think what happened to me... and what could happen to you is when we bow, and Suzuki Roshi talks about this in Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, when we bow and we put our head down as low, I can't get all the way to the ground anymore, but I can bend as far at the hips as possible and just get my neck exposed and my head down with a sincere, sincere effort. When that happens, something rolls off the back of us. It's almost like the self-concern that we hold up here kind of spills over off of our back onto the ground. And that, I think, when the body repeats that and repeats that and repeats that, it's a wonderful opportunity.

[18:31]

It's about gratitude. It's about respect. But it's not about bowing to something outside yourself. This is the wonderful Zen paradox about bowing. It looks like we're bowing to statues. But we're not. We're bowing to everything that's included in everything, including the statue. And in that bowing, we're bowing to ourselves, but... to the whole lineage, to the teachers, teachers, teachers, teacher ad infinitum, back beyond Buddha. And even if you don't intellectually understand what happens when we bow, I'm pretty sure it happens anyway with the physical activity, the yogic activity. of getting your head down lower than your heart, of getting your head down below your self-concern and offering yourself up.

[19:43]

So that was actually... I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to do it because of some of my physical limitations, but boy... The body wanted to do it. The body wanted to do it. So I'm very grateful to have been given that opportunity. And when I was thinking about gratitude, it's unbelievable to have the opportunity in a lifetime to do this practice in this much of a supported situation. I am so just in awe that this place and you all exist helping me so I can help you explore the truth.

[20:46]

What is the truth of this life in a completely supported situation? How did this happen? How did this happen? I'm just going to seed the conversation a little bit more with what I'd like to hear from you. I want to confess something first. I wanted Dharma transmission. I did. And that was a problem. teacher saw. The benefit of my ambition has been accomplishing many things, but it is not helpful in this realm.

[21:59]

And having been given the trust of my teacher and the lineage of It's like that wanting, and maybe this is too strong of a word, that wanting feels a little bit, I won't say dirty, but it feels like defiling to have wanted whatever this is. So I'm just letting you know, if you think you want it, check it out. And see... what that's about. I've studied what it's about for me and it basically almost crashed my relationship with my teacher. But what did I want when I wanted it? What do we think this is? What do we think it is to be entrusted to be a quote teacher, to

[23:07]

be able to have the authority. I noticed I have one of those sticks now. You know those sticks that people carry to give a talk? Those new ways? I didn't bring it because I'm not ready. I'm not feeling fully empowered. And I think it's because we do this together. Whatever this is, we need to do together. So I'm not fully transmitted yet because I haven't been with you. So whatever we think it is, whatever I thought it was, is not what it is. But it's important, I think, to bring it forward. What do you think it is? What's important to you about it? How do you relate to people, the people you know, the people that you see for practice discussion?

[24:08]

your teachers, what does that mean to you to see someone with a brown robe? I'm curious if anyone would be willing to say something. Anything. Yes, Kim. Experience. Time. That's pretty neutral in a way. Yeah, that's interesting. Time. Status. Yeah. Status in the community. So that, so Raven, are there two sides to that? Is that a negative or a positive or how do you see that? Thank you, thank you.

[25:53]

Amy and then Allison. I see when I see a brown robe someone that's gone through a very intimate process with their teacher and other people who have been involved in the ceremony. Something very intimate. So you see intimacy. so that it wouldn't stain when his students threw up and worked their nose on him. There's a lot of listening to other teachers, which is a big part of our study.

[27:09]

You know, often in a community, there's one teacher who has the authority to ordain others. And one of the things I think is amazing about San Francisco Zen Center is that in this room, There are several people that you could find affinity with and be able to get the support you need for your practice. And the variety of offerings here of teachers is just really unusual and I think really special so that not one teacher has to hold the whole world. There's a way to find your way with the people with whom you have that kind of vibration. I don't know if I have a lot more to say, actually.

[28:33]

Thank you. And I'm scared. And please feel free to give me feedback because I'll be stumbling about in some new activities, although many of them will be familiar in things that I've been doing all along, but I'm sure I will stumble, so please help me. And even that feels too much. So I'm feeling very, like I need to be very careful with myself and with you. And if I say too much, a mistake. What I'm checking for is, is there any arrogance?

[29:52]

Is there any satisfaction of having received this from my teacher and having a position in the community that I didn't have before. And that's what I want to watch out for in myself. I'm too scared to be arrogant right now. Which I think many of you will appreciate. Thank you. maybe one more thing to say is that something I learned in this process is there were two things that I knew would be part of the process that I had no confidence about. And I am a person who is quite confident and rely on that and function from that place.

[30:59]

So I wasn't sure I could do the bows. But we worked on a way where I had a table and I didn't have to go all the way to the floor and that, as I started to do them, that kind of concern went away and I thought, oh, it's possible. And maybe a little bit of confidence came in there that, oh yeah, I can do this. There's a part of the process where you are asked to do some calligraphy. And You're copying documents, important documents that you've studied, and you're copying them on silk with a calligraphy brush and ink that you ground yourself. And I have really big hands. I do not have hands that do fine, small motor movements. I have hands that I don't know what they're for.

[32:02]

Maybe potatoes, being Irish, you know, potato picking in the bogs. I'd be good at that. Big feet, too. So when it came to the first day of walking into the situation where there was no, I knew there was no turning back. So I had the support of there's no turning back. But I had no confidence. And the question I had was, is it possible for me to do something with absolutely no confidence? And it is. And if it's possible for me, it's possible for you. You can do something with the devotion of wanting to do it. In this case, I wanted to do this for the ceremony. Not for myself, but for the ceremony. for the lineage, for the future, for the past. And therefore, it was doable with no skill on my part and no confidence.

[33:11]

So that was really a great thing for me to discover. Really great. Any more questions, last-minute questions? Okay, we can go to bed early then. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[34:07]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_93.75