They said that there were a lot of children here this morning, but I don't know what they were thinking. Looks like there's lots of children here. So, as some of you might know, the first Saturday of each month is the talk, the first part is devoted to the children. So this is great. What I want to talk about this morning, the topic... is friendliness, the topic of friendliness as a practice, as a Buddhist practice. And what I was thinking about, particularly in terms of the children's part of this talk, is I was thinking of what it is that gets in the way of me being friendly, of other people being friendly. And often I think it's our mistaken beliefs and our fears. The way that things, what we think is so, often isn't so.

[01:03]

And it can be in simple things or in larger things. Like, just the other day I was walking into my friend Norman's house and I could see at a distance this old woman walking out of his house. And as I got closer I said, oh, that's Jackie. And suddenly she turned to someone who was a lot closer to my age. She had become very old. So just... When I didn't know who it was, it was an old woman, but the moment I saw that it was someone I knew, it was like she turned into a completely different person just right in front of me. Or the other morning, I was looking out my front window, and I saw a package in the middle of the street, like just this strange package, and I wondered, what is this package doing in the street? And then it moved, and I realized it was a cat. That, you know, and... Or even, you know, you probably have all had the experience of, like, hiking and you see what you think is a snake and it turns out to be a stick.

[02:06]

So I think these kinds of mistaken perceptions, mistaken beliefs about things are often what gets in the way, I think, one of the things that gets in the way of friendliness. And so what I want us to do, I thought what would be a fun thing to do for all of us children, it's a little game. This is a game that I actually learned in improv class. And this is a game that is a way of shaking up the way we normally see things. So I'm going to ask all of you, children, all of you, to put aside for just a few seconds having to look good or adult-like or sane or rational or any of those things. What we're going to do The game we're going to play, and I'm hoping that you all will participate in this game. We're just going to do this for a minute or two minutes. This game is looking at some person, some object, anything around, and call it something other than what it is.

[03:15]

Call it something that it's not. Just whatever comes to your mind. And it's okay to kind of shout it out, like, just try it. I know... So put your reservations aside. So like, for example, I look at my watch. Falcon. Peanut butter. So just look at something and name it something that it's not. Everyone, please, join with me. Orange juice. Applesauce. Zahu. Tony. Horror movie. Oh, okay. So just turn to someone next to you and just talk for a minute or two, what was that like just doing that? Talk about your resistance. Talk about, did you get into it? Did you just think it, whatever you thought it was, spent two minutes talking to the person next to you.

[04:18]

What was it like? Okay, okay. Settle down. Settle down, please. Settle down. That was a great sound. Would anyone like to say anything about what that was like or anything about the topic of families?

[05:24]

Would you like to say anything? No? Would you like to say anything? Any other comments at all? Anyone? Any other children? Please, would you like to say anything? Yeah. Since the label didn't apply, it was like I was eating a thing. Anyone else? Yes. so you didn't know what it was. Well, maybe, so that's all I was doing for the children's part.

[06:27]

You're welcome to stay, or we're not. Okay, great, thank you. Well, I really appreciated that comment, and maybe I'll start with a little story. This is a story about this mother is riding along in her car with her eight-year-old daughter, and they just manage to get on the highway, and the little girl says, Mama, where are all the idiots? Where are all the idiots? And the mother says, she turns to her daughter and says, what are you talking about? And the girl says, well, when daddy's driving, there's lots of idiots everywhere.

[07:28]

So this, you know, but this is a great, you know, it's good to, I'm glad you could laugh at this, but how often do we do that? So if we open the door here, or when we open the door to our house, what is it that we're bringing? Did you ever have the experience of waiting in line at the grocery store? What are all these people doing in my way? Why are they all in my way? Or when you're in the car, what are all these people doing on the road? They're all in my way. So what I wanted us to play with a little bit was just playing with something about not having the world be quite so about us being at the center or our views being at the center. And I think this is one of the main things that gets in the way of the practice of friendliness, practice of friendliness, and this idea even of what is this thing we call me or I and what is this thing we call you.

[08:46]

There's a talk that Suzuki Roshi gave that I read. It was a part of his unpublished talks. And I had never seen before a talk by Suzuki Roshi on the topic of friendliness. And I found it really moving. And I was inspired to also talk about this subject this morning. And one of the things that he says in this talk is, to be friendly with others, you know, is when there is no me, no you. That's all. When you say I, this I includes everything. When you say you, that includes everything. And then he goes on to say, he gives an example of what he thinks is kind of at the height of friendliness. He says, if you give a kind word directly, not directly, but talk kindly about someone else, So this is when you say something really kind about someone else when that person isn't there.

[09:49]

He says, he or she, eventually, they may hear it. Eventually, it may get back to them what you said. He says, those kinds of words will penetrate a person's heart. Those kinds of words will penetrate a person's heart. So this is several different ideas here that Suzuki Roshi is putting forward. One, is this idea of, what is this me? What is this thing we call me and I? What is this thing we call you? What is this thing we call, you know, we call this a book, and, or we, you know, I notice, like, the word sky, you know, we can say the word sky, and we think we know what it is, but, and then we don't really have to pay attention, because we know what sky is, but the sky is always, completely different at every moment, never the same. And if we could appreciate that, so just if we could appreciate things more as they actually are than the way that we tend to narrowly label them, I think this would be a good way to encourage our practice of friendliness.

[11:05]

And again, going back even to this story about the little girl and the, you know, so the father was seeing idiots and now the daughter is seeing idiots. And who is it? Who is it that we're seeing when we, you know, what are the ways that we are labeling ourselves? What are the ways we're labeling others? You know, I would argue that being friendly takes less effort than being unfriendly. That being unfriendly is a kind of tightness. It's a kind of fear. It's something that we learn. And it's often this funny idea, and I think it can also be one of the shadows of spiritual practice or Zen practice is this idea that we are studying ourselves, or we're in our own space, or we're whatever.

[12:07]

So there's a lot of meditation. practice that happens here. And it's easy to go from sitting quietly, silently with others. And it can be hard, it can be difficult to make that transition and to come out and to move from sitting or think that somehow practice is, like often you hear the expression of taking that sense of sitting into our lives. And some people, I think, mistakenly interpret that, that it means that to be unfriendly or to be quiet or to go around looking down. I mean, I will sometimes go into meetings with, you know, very advanced Zen folk and I walk in and people are looking down and I'll say, hey, what's going on? We're all, you know, I like to be the person who makes the party of the room rather than, you know, it can still be a Zen party. You don't have to look down. You can actually,

[13:10]

Things have really changed. I can remember years ago lecturing in here and everyone was looking down. It was one of the hardest, this used to be one of the most difficult places to give talks because no one was actually looking at you. So I'm glad I can actually see people's eyes. Thank you. It's really nice. And I want to talk a little bit about some practices around friendliness. there are three very traditional Buddhist practices, and then I'll also talk about some not-so-traditional practices. You know, the three traditional topics that it said must inform all Zen dialogue or all Zen talks are in Zen, or what are called the three marks. And these are impermanence, no self, and enlightenment.

[14:11]

So these, in a way, these three concepts, these three practices are like some of the real bedrock of what Zen practice is. And I would say that I want to look at these three things kind of through the lens of friendliness or shine these three practices on friendliness as practice. So, in a way, they're all kind of obvious and not so obvious. So like impermanence, for example. I'd say we all, I think, here in Northern California, we all know about this idea of impermanence, the fact that everything changes and it can be something that we joke about, and yeah, everything always changes. But the real question is, how does impermanence actually impact your life? How does impermanence impact your life? What does it have to do with friendliness?

[15:13]

What does the idea that the fact that who I am at each moment and who each person is at each moment is different, how can that support us to be friendly? I think in some ways, with the people we love, it can be really obvious, right? Because these people we love... impermanence says that they're going to die someday. They're going to be gone from our lives, whether it's our, you know, we may die before our children and we will be gone, but in some way, all of our relationships, all of our relationships are impermanent. Everything about us, everything about the world as we know it is changing, is actually changing. And this can be This can be... We can tighten up about this and try and hold on, but one of the main things that Zen practices is that this is something... This is good news.

[16:16]

This is good news that everything changes. This is good news that we need to let go. We need to let go of the ideas of who we think we are, of who we think other people are, and to open, and to allow our hearts to open. So I think this... This practice of impermanence, I think, can be a really good tool to what I like to think of as uncrusting our hearts. That somehow we forget, you know, we're so easily lulled into thinking that things don't change, right? Because it's a little bit like... I often think of the movie Groundhog Day when it comes to impermanence, waking up every morning, every morning. It's like this. Every morning we wake up and it's like, oh, here I am again. Oh, here I am again. It's the same clock, the same things. But one of the real interesting lessons in that movie is that he begins to appreciate impermanence.

[17:20]

And once he sees that, he can actually start to... to notice and pay attention to the details of things and enter things without making this assumption about everything being the same, then impermanence was a way to really open his heart and open... So impermanence can open our hearts to really appreciating what we have. It can be a way to see that each morning when we wake up, what about appreciating this is a new morning, this is a new... We have a new 24 hours of this day, a new 24 hours to be in this day, and we have no idea what will happen. And to take a breath and relax and appreciate impermanence. So the second is what's called non-self. And this actually goes right to what I was saying about the story about the mother and the little girl driving the car, right?

[18:32]

So the father was caught in self. Everybody else was idiots. We get caught in our self when people are in our way at the grocery store. Why are they in our way? Not realizing that they are also... maybe they think that they're the center of their worlds and we are in their way. And this is something, you know, it's almost like we are, we're all like fish in the water and it's like we don't quite see the water. We kind of, we just somehow become the center of our universes. So non-self means that you are, I mean, we are all made of, we all are made of elements that, are not you. We're all made of elements that are not you, right? So does this hand, you know, does this hand belong to me? Does this breath, is this breath my breath? So it's like this whole idea of not self and non-self is in some way very, very obvious and in other ways really subtle.

[19:41]

But this practice, this is a practice of just seeing that perhaps each of us is not the center of the universe. Each of us is not the center of the universe. And that our way of seeing things could be more flexible, more open, more, yeah, just, there could be much more flexibility to the way that we see ourselves in the world. So when we're driving, just to try on, when we notice, like to note, oh, they're in my way. And maybe to practice. I do quite a few kind of workshops with people around issues of stress and accomplishment and not getting in our way and bringing a sense of spirituality into our daily lives. And driving is one of those...

[20:43]

things that comes up over and over again as very, very stressful and a great place where I would suggest trying on, you know, like in Buddhism, we talk about the bodhisattva path. The bodhisattva is someone who takes care of other people, who tries to, who vows to help others. And you might experiment with helping others while you're driving. Like actually set an intention. Let other people go first. I was in Mountain View just a few weeks ago and discovered that I had a flat tire and I had to put on a spare and I noticed there were big warnings that said do not drive more than 50 miles an hour on my spare tire. And my drive back from Mountain View back to Marin County was so much more relaxing. It was so interesting. to stay in the right-hand lane and go 50 miles an hour, it was like I had no idea how different it is than being in the fast lane and going 65 or 75 miles an hour.

[21:54]

So you might actually experiment with it. And it's actually good for the planet. It burns less fuel. But this is, again, another way of practicing with this. idea of non-self, right? I need to drive fast. I need to get there as quickly as possible. What's that about? And the third practice is what is usually referred to as enlightenment or awakening. And I actually think a much better translation in general, and particularly a better translation for this topic, is to But it's actually intimacy. Intimacy is the third kind of building block of Buddhist practice or Zen practice. So impermanence, non-self, and intimacy. Because when we hear the word enlightenment, often it makes us conjure up some idea of being some special being, something that's more than being human.

[23:02]

That's not at all what's meant by this idea. This idea is meant... Enlightenment is about being fully human, about being fully in line, aligned with our emotional life so that there is no holding back. There is no separation between us and other people. So intimacy is that actual experience of no separation, of being... completely with ourselves, completely with other people, completely with whatever we're doing. This is the practice of intimacy. You know, so one of the things that just an obvious thing that gets in the way of friendliness and the thing that gets in the way of all these practices is avoiding what's difficult, right? We avoid... We avoid what's difficult.

[24:03]

We deny, you know, denial of pain, denial of emotions. And I sometimes like to say that I have a PhD in denial. I know denial really, really well, and it can be so, so subtle. It can be such a difficult thing to even see, right? It's much easier, you may have noticed this, easier to see in others. Many of us have a very powerful kind of antenna when we see when other people are avoiding pain, avoiding difficulty, but much, much more difficult to see it in ourselves. And I've noticed that the times that I'm not friendly or the times when I've gotten into the most trouble in my life is when I have gone down that road. of denying what's difficult for a long time and then things blow up on me in various ways.

[25:08]

I don't know if any of you have had that experience. So I want to mention three not-so-traditional practices. Actually, I think maybe four. I'm doing okay time-wise. And just really quickly, I'm just going to touch on these four practices, and then I'm going to have you guys talk again. So the first practice, I would say, is just be friendly. Just treat each person like they were important, special, like they were Buddha. Just try that on. Just try seeing each person that you come in contact with as though they were really special, as though they were the, you know, maybe they're the next Dalai Lama coming back. I once kind of joked when I was running a publishing company that I started many years ago, I went around and kind of told each person, what if we treated every person that we work with as though they were the Dalai Lama and we just don't know it?

[26:18]

We don't know it, so because we don't know, we have to treat every person with tremendous respect and friendliness. The second practice is the practice of making requests. And so making requests. So this is the practice of actually asking things of people, asking things that you would like from them. This may sound a little bit paradoxical as friendliness, but I actually think it's a way of being transparent. It's a way of exposing ourselves. It's a way of coming forward. So just experiment. Now, we're all different. Some people maybe should ask less. But for most people, I've noticed actually making clear requests of others and very clear requests, starting things with I would like or I request or would you. This is actually a way to make connection.

[27:22]

This is a way to be. to practice friendliness. And then to see and be open to what a person may or may not meet your request the way that you think. But just notice. But you can practice with the practice of making requests. The third is the practice of, is the other side of that, is the practice of making offers. So this is actually offering to help people. you might set some kind of intention that, you know, this week I'm somehow going to make an offer to someone. I'm going to offer, you know, to help someone. I'm going to offer to give a person a ride. I'm going to offer to help this person, you know, studies. I'm offering, let's meditate together. Every morning would be an offer. Please, let's come to my house to meditate in the morning. Just as a way of...

[28:23]

kind of practicing friendliness, practicing transparency. And the fourth and final practice, and this is more of just something to be aware of, and I could have given the entire lecture on this, actually on any of these topics, but the fourth one is something that I've really been paying a lot of attention to lately, is this idea of compartmentalization. So what do I mean by that? I've noticed that some people have tend... So it's almost like there's a great spectrum of how we humans function in this realm of compartmentalization. So some people are really good at keeping their emotions separate and being just very focused on... and ideas and can be very objective and can just do one thing and if you're feeling pain, people who are good at compartmentalization can put that pain aside or that joy aside.

[29:38]

So it's like being able to live outside of the world of emotions and just kind of focus. That's on one end of the spectrum. On the other end of the spectrum are people who can't do that at all. are people who are extremely, extremely emotional and that their emotions just come flooding in and it can become hard to concentrate. It can be hard to put aside those emotions in order to get things done or in order to practice or in order to be friendly because it's a sense of those emotions are just rushing in. place where we all want to be is someplace um where we have a lot of flexibility with compartmentalization right sometimes so this was um i was having this conversation this came up with a conversation with my my 20 year old daughter the other day she was saying she said to me dad sometimes i'm either just completely completely emotional and sometimes i'm able to

[30:50]

I can't enter my emotions at all. I'm just really, really focused. She says, what's that about? She says, I feel like, what is that about? And I said, well, it sounds like I'm really, really good at compartmentalization, and I'm trying to become less good at it. And your mother, she can't compartmentalize very well at all at the emotions. Now, this tends, there are, I've noticed, as a generalization, not always true, women, tend to be more over on the side of not compartmentalizing and the emotional world very full. Men, again, not always, just as a bad generalization, but men tend to be better at compartmentalizing and putting things in these little boxes. So I want to just suggest just as an awareness of this idea, this concept, this practice, see, kind of check out where you are in this... issue of compartmentalization.

[31:52]

Are you someone who puts emotions aside and should be kind of more emotional? Are you someone who can't put emotions aside and should be sort of more over in the center? So practice, Zen practice and the practice of friendliness are in a way the practice of developing awareness and flexibility around these things so that we know what our tendencies are And we're not, again, so we're not caught by our tendencies. We're not caught by our tendencies of putting people in boxes as idiots or putting things in boxes as things we see, as whether it's the sky or labeling ourselves as dumb or smart or friendly or unfriendly. But to be whole, healthy, sane, beyond label, I'd like you all to turn to a different person this time.

[33:00]

Just turn to the person and just talk for two minutes. Just have a two-minute conversation about what gets in your way of friendliness, and does this concept of compartmentalization or this concept of impermanence, in what way do they help you to be more friendly? Please, I'll stop you in a couple of minutes. Left in the middle.

[34:06]

What do you think? But for me, not being turned this around, not getting in people's way, because I guess it might be my way. It's almost like a perspective. I guess it's the opposite of that. That one mess that you were talking about. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's easy to talk about how to do very hard to do. Yeah. But trying to help us just to be able to even just be able to work when I'm going to make that separate. No, that's remarkable. Okay, we can open it up for you.

[35:23]

We can open it up. Well, on this topic, my name is Mark. And I really want to... Actually, I kind of grew up here at Zen Center. I lived here for 10 years when I was in my 20s. And I'm now the chairman of the board of the San Francisco Zen Center. officially and unofficially. You know, I want to completely welcome everyone and I want to encourage everyone to, you know, if you're interested in learning more about Zen Center or Zen practice, please.

[36:31]

There's many, many ways to do that and don't be put off by the people walking around with their eyes down. They don't mean it. You can help them each other to be more friendly. Actually, it's one of the many things that I've failed at during my term as being on the Zen Center board and board chair. I had this idea of making Zen Center an even more friendly place than it is, but other issues got in the way. Fires and... So please, welcome. And there will be... I want to invite... invite you all for, I think question and answer is going to be in here because there's a big meeting, big powwow here of Buddhist, the Buddhist Soto Zen Association is meeting here this weekend. That's a lot of activity. I want to end with a poem and this poem is called Love After Love by Derek Walcott.

[37:41]

I think it really speaks really well to this This topic. The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here, eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine, give bread, give back your heart to itself. to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes. Peel your image from the mirror. Sit, feast on your life. This is Derek Walcott.

[38:42]

Let me read that one more time. It was getting me. The time will come when with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here, eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine, give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored, for another who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes. Peel your image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

[39:45]

I really appreciate the opportunity to hang out with all of you this morning. Thank you very much.

[39:54]

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