This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. So here at City Center, we're in the middle of a practice period. Well, almost in the middle. And we're also in a one-day sitting today. The practice period is a time when many of us dedicate ourselves to offer some extra attention and time to the process of waking up. And the way I've been trying to describe that process is...

[01:03]

examine, explore, stimulate the aspiration, intention, motivation, and then letting that initiate engagement in the practice. And then try to carry that engagement throughout the day. Let it interact with whatever comes up. And then I was introducing a prescription, a description from early Buddhism of five faculties that support that. Kind of trust, energy of engagement, open awareness, sustained contact, and insight. So that's where we are so far. and I'm going to try to take that somewhere.

[02:11]

But before we do that, I thought, maybe it would be good if we all just got enlightened. It actually doesn't take very long. You know, in some ways it takes a couple of minutes, but actually at the essence of it, it takes about a second. Then, of course, if you can repeat it the next second and the second after that, then usually that helps it sink in. Noticing. You know, this quality that arises sometimes spontaneously, sometimes... quickening of our curiosity, sometimes with the deliberateness of our attention.

[03:12]

This awareness of what's going on that gives it permission to be just what it is and not an attribute in what we think should happen or should not happen. Should be, should not be. Before we take it and give it and put it into the agenda we have for what's going on. What's going on before we put it into the agenda we have for what's going on. And... How to do that? Well, basically there's no fixed way to do it. How can you be deliberately spontaneous? And yet in another way you can.

[04:18]

Here's my suggestion. Connect to your body. Notice your body. Notice the physical sensations. the body have a sense of groundedness, settledness in your seat, a sense of uprightness, a sense of spaciousness. But that you're imposing these on your being, more a matter of discovering them. and let your body breathe. More particularly, notice what it is to let the inhale happen.

[05:22]

Notice that with the exhale, there's a flavor of release, like a sigh, letting something go. With the inhale, allowing, inviting what's happening to happen. And now, Drop even that. Drop even that subtle agenda. And just attention to whatever arises. The sound, sensation in the body, a thought, an emotion. Can you notice it?

[06:36]

Can you experience it as fully as possible? Thought pops up and takes hold. Can you notice the difference? Can you notice the difference between awareness and engagement in being inside the thought?

[07:39]

you got something out of that. I guess what I would hope you would get out of that would be experiencing the quality of attention of noticing. That it's a light touch. That it's... non-specific. It doesn't have an agenda of trying to make something happen. That there's an absence of assertion of what I think, how I emote reality, and more of a quality of reception. And often in that reception there is a elemental quality. This sign to the baby has its own assertion before it's enveloped in whether I like it or dislike it, what associated thoughts or feelings I may have around it.

[09:38]

So this quality of noticing is the essential ingredient of zazen, the fundamental awareness practice in the Zen school. And the notion is that we experience it while sitting and we carry it into our activities. And in both of those modalities, it instructs us. It instructs us in what we might call an essential attribute of awakeness of human consciousness. This is not something we learn. This is not something we don't have at one point and then we

[10:45]

go through some magnificent process and then we have it. This is essential to our being. Maybe what's not essential to our being is our ability to avail ourselves of it. Or our ability to tune in and let it happen. Of course, it happens all the time. Interestingly, it seems to happen less when we intend it, and often it happens when we're not intending anything. And here's a poem that I, to my mind, tries to talk about this. It's called Fresh. It's by Naomi Shihabnai. To move cleanly, needing to be nowhere else.

[11:50]

One thing, nothing from any store. To list something you already had and set it down in a new place. In that noticing, as each thing becomes itself, the moment has a freshness. The moment is itself. The moment has a quality of being and each thing within it attended in that way has its own quality of being. To lift something you already had and set it down in a new place. Awakened eye seeing freshly. What does that have to do with the old blood moving in its channels. Let me read the poem again. Fresh. To move cleanly.

[12:54]

Needing to be nowhere else. Wanting nothing from any store. To live something you already had and set it down in a new place. Awakened eye seeing freshly. What does that have to do with old blood moving through its channels. So if awareness, if noticing is so great, why aren't we just doing it all the time? Why are we even bothering? Why are we even inclined to do anything else? And in the process of awakening, we study both sides of that.

[14:01]

We study experientially, noticing. The state of consciousness that's created by, that's awakened by, the involvement in existence that's created by noticing. When you notice yourself thinking a certain way, it influences what's going on in that moment. When you notice how you're responding or reacting, it influences. When you notice how the other person is receiving what you're saying or doing. It influences. So one aspect of studying the process of awakening is studying noticing, the attributes of noticing, and the influence of noticing.

[15:23]

And so today, 70 or 80 of us are doing a one-day sitting, devoting the day to noticing. And in the process, noticing the tenacious process of stopping to notice, of being carried away. of being engulfed by the thinking, the feeling, the emotions, the memories, the anticipations. Each of them arising with their own persuasiveness. As Naomi puts it, what is that to do? What about the old blood flowing through the body?

[16:24]

What about... the energies of being, the habits of being, the wants, the fears, the joys, the desires that flow through our being, and somehow seemingly interrupt this pristine state. And in the course of the practice period, I mentioned this term, Japanese term used by the teacher whose teachings we're studying, Ehei Dogen Zenji. And he uses this term, which in Japanese is Jiji Uzamai, which means noticing the arising of the self and engaging it in an instructive way.

[17:28]

Noticing the arising of the self and engaging it in an instructive way. And this is a delicate process. Because so readily we will, in the service of our self-esteem, we will want to boost the self. And in the service of our self-doubt, we'll want to deflate, criticize the self. So it's a very delicate process to study the self. And one of the roles of noticing is, can it bring us to that delicate point of balance? Can we come to a point of balance and then see...

[18:30]

what comes up around it? Can you notice and then notice what interrupts noticing? And usually the answer to that question is no. You can't notice what interrupts noticing because part of the nature of it is that it doesn't have noticing. It's sometimes... It's detective work, you know? Where was I? Sometimes it's about when there is noticing, letting it sink in. Let it instruct how it is, what it is, when the... when the habits of self are not so active that we're inside the dream they create.

[19:40]

We step out of the dream and we go, huh, look at this. Look at this moment, fresh. Just itself. not diminished by what I want it to be or where I would like to be rather than here, but just itself. And then, where I'd rather be than here, the capacity to attend to it is heightened. In Siddhisattva, is just to give as much attention and energy to that process of noticing. And then actually there's maybe a debate that we could have around, well, how much do you attend to the body and the breath to help set the stage?

[20:51]

I'll avoid that this morning. So as we explore noticing, one of the ways Dogen Zenji talks about it, he calls it attend to not thinking. Rather than being caught up in thinking, attend to not thinking. And then, fortunately for us, this notion of studying the self. So we study noticing and then we study what takes us away from noticing. One of the images in early Buddhism is there's this stream of consciousness and it has its energy.

[21:59]

And then what arises for us takes away some of the energy, attention of the stream. And in the process, it takes away some of our aliveness. And then the more of these distractions that are, the more they take the aliveness of the moment, the more they take the energy and aliveness of our being and dissipate it. And this is why when we have something that brings back our energy, that brings us back into the moment, often we're very impressed, we're enthralled. We note that moment as special. So how does this process happen?

[23:12]

And then there's a classic formula in early Buddhism, which I'm going to go into in a moment. But before I do, I want to say this. I think for each of us to explore in the particulars of our being, takes me out of the moment. What do I tend to fantasize about? What do I tend to have ruminating thinking about? What kinds of difficult and painful things do I replay? that age-old spiritual adage, know yourself.

[24:20]

And if we think about it, when we're inside the context of me, with its agendas, with its preferences, and its dislikes, and there's some voice saying, I have to. I have to get away from that or I'll die. I have to have that or I'll die. Why would we not follow that voice? If it's a matter of life and death, why would we not give our energy and our attention and our passion to that voice? And finding our own terms that help to describe that mechanism of leaving the moment and grasping at some constructed way of being.

[25:39]

And then here's the unsavory list that Buddhism creates. For many years I used to think, this is a terrible teaching. I never studied it and I never taught it. And my thinking was, we all feel so bad about ourselves to begin with, who needs more? There's some deep voice within us, dark voice within us that's saying, you're a terrible person. Who needs to get it affirmed by some Buddhist teaching? And so the preface to this teaching is the formidable demand, can you not let it affirm some negative self-image?

[26:49]

some criticism. Can you turn it around and think, these tendencies in a variety of ways cause suffering to my being. Attending to these tendencies is a compassionate act. And as you relate to them, can you relate to them with kindness? this unexamined suffering, it really doesn't help you to be critical about it. It's much more helpful if you can relate to it as, oh dear, let me look at that. How exactly do I get myself into that kind of trouble? And can the noticing

[27:51]

You know, to get a little technical in Buddhist terms, can the noticing teach us about no self or going beyond the self-constructed reality? In the moment of noticing, can we experience that what's going on is more than what I think? Because that no-self, not only does it enhance the capacity for awareness, but it also helps us see, well, okay, this is what I think, this is what I feel, but there's more to existence than that. Let me look at this, let me unpack it. Let me come into a non-harmful relationship

[28:54]

Let me discover the greater being that opens up when I'm not mesmerized by it. So an attitude of compassion, an attitude of curiosity, and a certain kind of courage. It's a courageous act to not cling to what you cling to. You cling to it because some way in your own human formula this is what it takes to make your life work. So it's a delicate process to meet the part of yourself that's saying this is what it takes to make my life work and I'm going to let it be held more like this than like this.

[29:55]

So here's the terrible formula. The first one is desire. This is what I have to have to be happy, to be content, to be satisfied, to be at ease. in an extraordinarily powerful force for us. Extraordinarily powerful. Sometimes in blatantly large ways and in sometimes subtle ways. So many people are sitting all day downstairs in the basement while the sun is shining. What an amazing expression of dedication.

[31:01]

Of course, they're far beyond any kind of desire. Though even in the midst of expressing, acting on our dedication, still things come up for us. And then the second one is like the mirror opposite of desire. What I want, what I don't want, what I want to avoid, what I want to push away. And also along with that, the kind of the turmoil, the negativity that gets created in my being through that aversion. the way in which we can hold a grudge, a resentment, a negative opinion about someone or someones.

[32:12]

Attraction, aversion. What I have to have, what I have to avoid. That's the first tool. Then the third one, there's five. Third one is a kind of heaviness. Sometimes when the world's too much, we want to separate, we want to withdraw. We want to numb out. But what we're doing is we're thwarting the energy of being alive. We're thwarting the enthusiasm. We're thwarting the vitality. And as we do that, there's a heaviness. There's a sluggishness. The characteristic of depression is that

[33:29]

There's nothing interesting happening. It's not really worth the bother of getting out of bed. You look out the window and you see nothing worth getting interested in. We separate and then we experience the impoverishment of separation. And then the fourth one is restlessness and worry. How will I make my life work? Of all the things I have to do, how am I ever going to get them done? How am I ever going to sort through all the complications, difficulties, my health, money, relationships, my job, whatever,

[34:34]

And so rather than trying to suppress it and separate, it's like trying to speed up so you can do the thousand and one things you have to do immediately, at all at once. The energy is there but it's like the energy has lost its course. It's spinning all over the place. And it spins the mind. It spins the emotions. Restlessness and worry. And then the fifth one is doubt. Well, if my experience is just my experience, what's really happening?

[35:47]

And is this a good thing to be doing or a bad thing to be doing? Should I really spend the day sitting Sazen in the basement? Maybe it'd be better to go walk in the park. This is a subjective experience, and as such, we can't be absolutely certain of what arises in our worldview. We can't be absolutely certain. This is absolutely certainly what I should be doing. This is absolutely certainly what I should be doing. Being. And then, interestingly, within the heritage of Zen, this uncertainty is taken in as an ally.

[36:56]

But if you can't be absolutely certain, don't grasp your opinions and judgments so firmly. Hold them as hypotheses. Hold them lightly. Hold your opinion in a way that allows everybody else to have their opinion. So that's the formula. In the remaining two minutes, I'd like to offer you some notions about how to engage them. And then in the practice period, I'll believe in them more than that. Notice, acknowledge. In acknowledging, we're helping noticing have some authority.

[38:09]

It's like the difference between do I like this, do I not like it, and what is it? What's being noticed that it creates like or dislike? So we notice, we acknowledge. This thinking mind that can so readily conjure up fixed realities, fixed definitions, assertions, When it's coupled, when the thinking process is coupled with noticing, this very same mind becomes an ally. The thinking process becomes an illuminating, discriminative faculty. Huh. What's going on right now? What thoughts are here? What feelings? going on in my body?

[39:18]

Where is it getting tight? Notice, acknowledge, and let that acknowledging invite those questions and the contact they create. Contacting your body can often be very instructive. When you look at the complexity of our being, there's our thoughts, there's what you might call our... Evident emotions. And then there's something more visceral or deep-seated, not so evident. Maybe you want to call it subconscious or whatever, but... And sometimes we can get a window into that by attending to the body. Notice, acknowledge, contact, experience. So readily we take the contact, the experience, we draw a conclusion, and then we act as if the conclusion we drew is indeed absolute reality.

[40:27]

Can we notice what we're experiencing, make contact with it, and experience it? Oh, right now, I'm a little bit upset and it feels like this. And it's influencing my attitude, my thinking like this. And my chest feels a little bit tight and my breath has got shallower. Can we find ways to enter into the activity and the construct of the self that brings awareness to it. Notice, acknowledge, contact, experience. And then, of course, it's wonderful if you can do this in the moment. And most of the time, we forget.

[41:35]

Because what's arising is way too passionately engaged for that what you might call uninvolved attention. But even if you reflect on it later, it can be helpful. What was going on? How come here I am still thinking about that interaction? What happened? What has made it so... relevant in my being. And then, rather than drawing conclusions, can you try to draw as much detail? I experienced his tone of voice as disrespectful.

[42:38]

And I responded to feeling disrespected with this emotion. or this attitude, or this thought. Even in retrospect, we can still start to explore the territory of our being. And as we start to have some familiarity, we can start to use that familiarity as an agent, as a support to our awareness. Oh, next time I talk to him, I'm going to try to be as attentive as possible as to what happens, to what happens. And see what responses it brings up.

[43:40]

And then a similar process internally. So interactively, internally. And then what we start to notice is that there is... There's a kind of a science to our responsiveness. And it has something to do with our personality, something to do with our physiology, neurology. And we can start to explore, where do I tend to hold my anxiety? Where do I tend to hold my fear in my body? When I feel frightened, what are the usual conceptual traits that get triggered for me?

[44:50]

And so these, what are usually called hindrances, can actually become ways to access, experience, and learn about the human condition. And then as we learn about the human condition, we start to see how to be skillful with it. We start to see... I'm not the only one who's got all this going on, so has everybody else. And then we're much more inclined to, rather than when we see someone going through the process, we're more inclined to think, oh well, I've done my own version of that. We're not so inclined to separate into some kind of righteousness or fearfulness, but more feel a sense of kinship. We start to see the human condition, we start to see how to engage it skillfully, and we start to discover what it is to be liberated.

[46:22]

We start to discover what it is to let the energy flow rather than dissipate into, you know, rivulets that then leaves something without its aliveness. So, enough of that. Now let me end with Naomi's poem. Help you forget all those ideas. Fresh. to move cleanly, needing to be nowhere else, wanting nothing from the store, to lift something you already had and set it down in a new place. Naomi said to me once, she said, every day I try to do at least one thing that I've never done before.

[47:28]

Sometimes I just walk back from the store a different way. Awakened eye seeing freshly. What does that have to do with the old blood moving in its channels? Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge. and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[48:19]

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