Hello, everybody. Good evening. Sorry for the slight delay was having some technical challenges in this land of virtual reality. And just a heads up, the internet, like all conditioned things, is a little unstable, unreliable, and not worthy of confidence. So if my connection fluctuates, you know what's happening. So just bear with us and stay present. And I'll do my best to return either in this computer form or maybe on my phone if I need to. So anyhow, welcome again. Welcome if you're returning to the online practice sessions, our Tuesday and Thursday sessions. And also welcome if you are new. I see some new faces and some... old friends who are new to this particular session, so it's a delight to have you here. And it's always, for me, it's a delight to be able to practice together with you in this way.

[03:47]

You know, regardless of whether or not we're in challenging uncertain times, any time we can come together to sit and be present with our experience and with each other, regardless of how far we might be apart. is a time to celebrate our unfathomable intimacy and profound connectedness. So thank you for coming together in this way. And just by sitting zazen together, sharing who we are. So I'm hoping you all can hear me well. Is that true? You can shake your head. Excellent. Okay. So for those of you who are new to this session, The format is usually that we will begin with about 25 minute period of meditation. And for those, again, who are newer, I will offer some kind of guided words at the beginning for about five or eight minutes and then taper off into silence.

[04:48]

And if you're someone who for whom guided meditation does not necessarily resonate, you can just take my words as sound. arising and falling away, and you don't need to follow them. So just be aware of presence or follow the breath or whatever works for you in your meditation. And then after the 25-minute period of meditation, we'll transition to what I call a Dharmet, a mini Dharmet talk, brief words of encouragement. And that will go for about 15 minutes or so. And then we'll open up the space for all of you to share what it is that's coming up in your particular practice, either related to something that I've spoken about this evening, something that's come up for you in your meditation this evening, or to something that's coming up in your practice in general. And then the aim is to finish by 6.30 or so, and that will be our time together.

[05:55]

So without further ado, let's begin our meditation practice. So I invite you to find a comfortable seated position, whether or not you're on a Zafu, in a chair, in a wheelchair, or if you need to lay down or stand, whatever position works best for your body, you're welcome to find that. And find a position that allows your spine to be, in a sense, Lengthen, uprights, whatever way that works for you and your chest open. You might wish to consider resting your hands in your lap. And then we take what's called the cosmic mudra, placing the left hand in the right palm. And then touching the thumbs together. And then draw your chin down slightly. So kind of tucking, tucking your chin a little bit so the back of your head is lengthened, going upward, lengthening the back of your neck, resting your tongue at the roof of your mouth with your lips slightly parted, and taking the breath gently through your nose.

[07:19]

Usually in the practice of Zazen, we have our eyes slightly open, softly gazing down in front of us a little bit. But if it is more supportive of you during this particular practice, particularly if you're sitting in front of a computer, you are welcome to close your eyes. And throughout the meditation, giving yourself over to both a physical and mental posture. That is attentive and yet relaxed. Now I'm going to sound the bell three times to begin our period and then one time to end the period. And as I ring the sound of the bell, just allow the sound to make itself known to you. Allow it to take whatever shape and time of presence that it is noticeable.

[08:26]

And then as it fades away, notice what is it that remains? What is it that's always present and doesn't come and go? If you take a breath into your nose, feel that you're inhaling out a fresh nourishing breath.

[09:48]

It may be helpful when you first sit down to meditate to take three deep intentional breaths. As you inhale, holding the breath, the inhale for a few moments, maybe on the count of four. Slowly releasing the breath, extending the exhale twice as long through the count of eight. So during this three times, breathing in, taking a nourishing breath, holding it for a few moments, letting it be felt by the body and resonate throughout the body. And then slowly exhaling and releasing the breath. Breathing in, holding for a little, and then releasing.

[10:49]

As you release, imagine releasing any tension, agitation that you might be feeling in the body. to breathing out this tension and agitation with the exhale. And as you do so, suddenly you open more deeply into the present moment. sitting in stillness, narrowing ourselves to release the conditioned imprint of doing, the constant busyness that we might experience with each gentle exhalation.

[11:58]

your intention in the stillness of your body. Now, at the same time, noticing the flow of the breath. You see it in the invitation to simply breathe. There's nothing to do with meditation. As it is simply present, say, experience. If you lose connection with presence, simply bring your attention back. Reconnect.

[13:10]

Reconnect with the direct experience of this moment. And rest there. Rest in the fullness of the present. The deeper we can rest and feel the stillness throughout the whole being, we're also able to notice profound silence, luminous silence, and a lot of silence throughout the entire body. That silence, that illuminated silence is there even if the chattering of the mind continues.

[14:26]

So don't worry. Just know that it's there in the background, regardless of what's going on in the mind. And as your attention begins to rest, and your mind perhaps becomes quieter, and as you become aware of the stillness and calm of simply being, your attention naturally becomes nutrient, warm, connected. spins at a much deeper level to found connectedness or wholeness.

[15:39]

A depth and a breadth of being is larger than any of our egoic concerns and worries. It's also releasing the mode of doing and discovering a richness of being. Resting our attention for the instance in silence. And allowing the flow of each breath to nourish us. to replenish us, to refresh us, to remind us of our best and found connectedness to all of you.

[17:03]

Bless you now, and we'll still miss some spirits for the rest of the period. Thank you again for sitting together.

[31:07]

I feel it could be a very deeply nourishing and healing experience just to simply be with our experience in whatever way it's showing up and not have to change it or fix it or do anything to it, but simply be aware of presence and receive it and allow it to be what it is in its own time and place. And simply rest. and for rest. The healing power is awesome. So, I thought for this week's two online practice sessions, what I'd like to speak about is practicing with fear. And I mentioned in the last practice session that when I go out for a walk in the neighborhood to get some exercise and fresh air, I often find myself getting annoyed and irritated with folks who aren't wearing masks, or respecting the physical distancing guidelines.

[32:09]

And I'm just, you know, to be honest, I'm just unable to fathom why people would deliberately, and in my mind, selfishly, disregard the well-being of others as well as their own. However, when I look more deeply at my irritation, what I recognize is the underlying it is fear. Fear for myself and fear for those I love. Fear of us becoming sick and dying. If I'm honest, I can acknowledge that fear and with it a sense of separation are at the root of my feelings of irritation and discomfort. Is this true for you? You guys notice that? Is this something that resonates for you? You recognize that In any way? Now, fear is a deep and instinctual response that arises when we think we or those we care about are in danger.

[33:17]

I think we all know this. Fear is sometimes necessary for survival. It can be a good thing. Physically, fear preps us for the three primal responses. Flight, fight, and freeze. And actually, sometimes I add a fourth, appease. Just make the other people happy and nothing bad will happen. But when we notice that fears are rising, it's good if we pay attention to what's actually going on around us. Are we actually in danger? How close and immediate is the potential source of a threat? Is there something we should do or stop doing or somewhere else we should go at the time? If I'm on the street and I notice irritation and fear arising around being close to other people, particularly if they're not wearing a mask, then what do I need to do to take care of myself? And in the process also take care of the other person.

[34:19]

What would be the proper or appropriate protocol? Now, I think we can all recognize that, frankly, there's a lot to be scared of these days. Fear is a very timely topic right now because fear these days seems so palpable, so atmospheric, and even more so during this time of pandemic. You can almost smell the fear around you. And yet this atmosphere of fear was palpable long before the pandemic began. It seems like it's been a long time that we've been subject to culture of polarization, of aggression, of violence, and all kinds of unkindnesses that are happening everywhere on the planet. And every time they experience these, they bring out some kind of fear or nervousness. I'm curious.

[35:21]

What kinds of fear do you notice yourself having these days? What are the particular fears that you're having? What are you afraid of? I'm actually going to experiment something here and invite you to do something a little different. If you are willing and interested, you might type into the chat field some of the things that you are afraid of to name them, to give them a voice. So go ahead and type them in if you're willing, and then I'll be able to read them and see and share with the others what it is that you're experiencing. So I'm hoping this will work if Barbara is our host today and she was going to help make sure that all of you could use the chat field. And I'm hoping that is true. And if not, then we'll do something else. But is it possible? Can someone type something in and actually see if it works? If it's not working, then you can let me know.

[36:26]

No, Barbara. Oh, financial. Thank you. Financial. Loss of control. Differential equations. What other things are you afraid of? What are you noticing? Child at home getting depressed. Yes. Not knowing. Not having a job. Yes. COVID-19, the virus itself. Loss of security. Yes. My mother dying. A lack of motivation. To have no one to love me. Loss of human contact, yes. Family, getting sick. Fear of getting sick in a foreign country, yes. Are there other experiences of fear that are coming up for you right now?

[37:32]

So many of us experiencing all kinds of fears. Mistrust. Losing a loved one who is homeless. Bad people. People we experience as bad in some way. Harmful. So all of these expressions of fear. A son being a drug addict. Fear of not being appreciated right now. these things to be named and recognized. My MD pal getting sick in the ICU. Extended isolation. Yes. All these fears that are coming up right now to acknowledge and to know them, to name them, to be aware of them. Getting someone else sick unknowingly. Deepening injustice. Yes. So much for us to recognize. That's difficult.

[38:40]

Lost control of my life. Yes. So all these points to that now more than ever, we are collectively, if not individually, experiencing great anxiety and fear. And while fear is often an understandable response to danger, to all the experiences that we need, fear can also be, at times, inappropriate and debilitating. It becomes too extreme. And living from a place of fear can actually kind of narrow our capacity to respond, to engage the world, to engage with the challenges and the problems that we're experiencing. Kind of oftentimes when we have a sense of fear, our vision narrows. The field of possibility now is for us. We have this sense that our lives are shrinking down and getting smaller in some way. And when we're driven by fear alone, we stop using common sense.

[39:46]

And we also feel more cut off. So much of what you all noticed has some quality of being cut off, of being alienated, of being separate from others. We're not only separate from others, but we also in some way feel separate from ourselves. So we need tools and a way of practice. To practice with the tensions and the disease of our day-to-day life. All the challenges that we're experiencing. What are the tools for us to practice? So, how do we practice with fear and Buddhism? If we take up the teaching that all experiences can be dharma gates towards liberation and suffering, this is the fundamental teaching. All experience, whether or not it's good or bad, can be a dharma gate towards liberation. Then we can aim to take our fear as our teacher, to learn to work skillfully with it.

[40:59]

And doing so can lead us to some degree to an inner sense of freedom. So whenever we experience some form of fear, you might meet it with the question, how can this experience of fear be a dharma teacher or a dharmagate for me? What can I learn about the path of liberation from this experience of fear? Purchasing with fear begins by turning mindfully to their experience of it. Look at fear in and of itself. What is this? And we can use the classic Buddhist terminology. We might say, oh, look, fear has arisen in me, right? To recognize fear is here. And it's important when we do this to note that we're not paying attention initially to whatever it is that has triggered our fear.

[42:06]

We're not looking out there directly. In fact, we're deliberately shifting our attention away from the subject of our fear, whatever it is that we think may be endangering us, such as COVID-19, a pending loss, a job interview, a difficult conversation, death. We turn our attention away from the subject of fear, the object of fear, and instead turn it toward the manifestation of fear, of the fear reaction in our body and mind, you turn inward. You look at the experience inward of fear. So if we are indeed not in immediate danger, then we can choose to observe without, you could say, without judgment, without commentary, or even having to take action in any way. The felt sense of fear in the body.

[43:07]

What are the physical indications that fear is present? For example, we might notice an increase in the pulse or tension in the pit of our stomach. We might break out in a cold sweat. We also might notice thoughts arising, like what if such and such happens, right? And we might also notice that we're feeling compelled to do something, whether it's run away or distract ourselves or buy an entire case of toilet paper or masks on Amazon, for example. The impulse, the feeling, the felt sense is recognizing the body and we really do something to make it go away. That's often our tendency, right? So I'm curious, this is a second opportunity to share. What for you are some of the physical indications that fear is present?

[44:12]

How do you know you're feeling fear? What's the felt sense of fear in the body? What is the knowing of fear? How does it present itself? And how do you personally react to this felt sense or any thoughts that might accompany it? So there's no missing results on the field. And then what do you do in reaction? And again, I'm going to invite you to type your responses in the chat field, and I'll share them. So panic. There's sweating. Someone can't sleep. I sleep more as a reaction. There's a sense of anger arises. A shaking at the solar plexus. What is the coming fast? Tremor. Feeling frozen like I can't do anything. Anger and frustration at the behavior of others. So looking outwards is so much easier than focusing on myself.

[45:15]

Great. Shallow graph. Immobility. Kind of the sense of being frozen. Anxiety arises. Sometimes actions to take care of what might happen to prepare for it. Tight shoulders, you might notice our body tightening in many ways. Physical tightening in the shoulders, yes. Feeling hot, so a temperature change, or scurrying around, being very busy. A tightness, a tightness in the body, a tightness in the mind. A sense of feeling trapped. Many, many what-if thoughts, right? The mind is just turning up. What if, what if, what if? Turn to something that feels less painful. Yeah, right. to in some way soothe us or distract us, to procrastinate, right? Mind goes blank or frozen, great. A tight belly, a shallow breath, feeling pain, headache, yes. A sense of dread throughout the body, right? We go into overplanning, scheming to avoid things, right?

[46:18]

A felt sense of wanting to just escape, to run away from our experience. These are all great. Thank you so much for that. or sharing those, you know, felt sense of what it feels like in the body, what are the thoughts, and how do we react, and what do we do, right? I mean, yes. So when we study our mind, body, and emotional experiences very closely, we can observe the ways in which the mind-body often gets stuck in a fear response. Many of us have developed over long periods of time habit patterns in the mind-body that have become, you could say, hardwired through repetitions in terms of how we react to fear. And what is it that fires together, wires together, right? When there's the nuance in our brain, the connections spark, right? The more they spark together, right?

[47:19]

In time, they become fused. And we fall into these old habit patterns that are automatic. They're almost unconscious, right? And they become so wired in us that they actually, you know, the habit patterns actually literally become our body of fear. Our whole body is wired to feel that. It takes a very physical form, right? None of you mentioned kind of the tightness, the tightness in the shoulders, the abdomen, elsewhere, right? Right? And the whole body becomes like a shell. And you can feel this tension all around us. There's also kind of a sluggishness or a thickening of the body like an armor in some way that kind of develops around us, right? We get hard and rigid. And the body gets hard and rigid, but also the mind gets hard and rigid. And the mind gets clouded. I know when I get afraid, my mind gets very clouded. I can't think of it. And also, my heart closes. It gets small. It shuts down. It's not open.

[48:20]

It's not available. So this is what happens when fear gets wired into us and we take up these old habit patterns. The question then becomes, so what part of work can we take up to alleviate our suffering? To find new ways to be with these old conditioned hardwired habit patterns. whenever we have them in regard to fear. So rather than succumb to these kind of frozen, destructive habit patterns, we can actually explore other ways to hold and be with our reactive thoughts and sensations. We can, through practice, aim to create a calm, stable, supportive container to be able to be with the various manifestations of fear in a non-reactive way. We can aim instead to have a practice that will expand awareness, spaciousness of awareness, to soften our edges of our sense of a separate self, to be non-judgmentally with our experience.

[49:42]

And when we do this, we slowly can loosen and release the embodied physical, mental, and emotional habits that we develop around fear. Our kind of children, the currently wise Tibetan Buddhist teacher, says that if we choose to take notice of the actual experience of fear, whether or not it's just a queasy feeling in the stomach or actual terror, whether it's a subtle level of discomfort or a mind-numbing, dramatic anxiety, we can begin to have a new relationship to fear. So, Hannah likes to use the metaphor of smiling at fear. And if you've read her before, you may have seen her teach in that way. I actually, I prefer to think of a beneficial response to fear as befriending fear.

[50:49]

Become a friend. It's kind of what smiling kind of points to, to welcome it, to acknowledge it, to not have a sense of aggression towards it. We can choose to get to know fear, to turn toward fear, to actually touch fear. When we can befriend fear, Rather than setting off a chain reaction where you're trying to protect yourself from it, it instead becomes a source of tenderness. And this means we can experience our vulnerability in the moment. But we don't feel we have to harden ourselves in response to the vulnerability. When we do feel, we often feel vulnerable. Unprotected. But what is it to allow that experience of vulnerability to be known and to remain open to it, to have no sense of protectiveness at a very fundamental level?

[51:55]

Because there's nothing there to actually need protecting. So if we don't harden around fear, then this makes it possible for us to to not only help ourselves, but actually help others as well. Because we're not cut off from our innate capacity for goodness and love. So amazingly, just becoming mindful of our fear is often enough to diffuse something or to put into a larger perspective that decreases our reactivity. So as soon as we recognize, oh, fear is arising in me, we're no longer completely absorbed in the fear. Unless, again, if we're in immediate danger, then we need to do something. But if we're not, then at the very moment, we can recognize that we're fundamentally okay.

[52:58]

So this stepping back is creating a distance by just noticing what's arising in us. Notice fear is here, creates a perspective. We kind of rise above the immediate experience and be able to view it in a way that is more economist. And that when we see this, we actually recognize that fear is about what might happen in the future. It's not about what's happening yet. Or maybe it may not happen at all. Fear is always based on the narrative. a story, a thought, an idea about what might happen at some point in an imagined future. Even if that imagined future is just seconds away. The truth is, we really don't know what's going to happen until it actually happens. Everything before that is merely speculation in the face of uncertainty.

[54:05]

And For many of us, uncertainty is typically much more scarier than the actual experience in the end, whatever that might be. And I've read that scientific studies have shown that people are more afraid of uncertainty than they are of physical pain. Isn't that interesting? We're more scared of not knowing than we are of physical pain. And right now, during this time of pandemic, we're very much in a period of very tangible uncertainty, which results in all kinds of basic, you know, queasiness and discomfort. At least I feel it at some level. And when we feel this discomfort, it can lead us to engage in all kinds of self-destructive and other destructive, hurting others' habits. For example, renouncing safety protocols, like wearing masks, or deciding to give up physical distancing, maybe too soon.

[55:16]

All this emerges from wanting to be safe and secure and comfortable, to get back to normal again, even if our perception of that is based on a deception in some way. So rather than react or act out of the event of fear, You can instead pause, turn towards it, befriend it. You can actually sit down with that. Sit down in the face of fear. Do zazen in the face of fear. Sit down and simply breathe with the experience of fear in whatever way it may be showing up for us. So we're taking the physical and mental posture of zazen and allowing ourselves to be with fear in a new way, in a non-reactive way. And when we're able to hold the body of fear, just with simply aware breathing, steady breathing, right?

[56:25]

We can allow it to settle a bit. We can then begin to examine the mind. So the body settles, and then we can turn to examining the mind. And we can watch the mind's operations and the beliefs and the memories that underlie fear, the stories and the narratives that we have behind fear. When we do this, we can begin to reduce our reactivity. And when we're not slaves to reactivity, then we have choice. There's a space of freedom, of liberation. Now, the willingness to sit with that fear, to be fully present with it. That's an act of courage. And I like to think of it as courageous presencing. So when encountering fear, we can be courageous bodhisattvas, awakened beings, beings who have the fortitude to be with suffering, to stand with suffering, to stand with the suffering that might, for the rest of us, be too much, might be overwhelming, might bring us to our knees.

[57:34]

It's not that these courageous bodhisattvas don't have fear, but they're able to maintain a courageous presency by experiencing their fear. They don't turn away from it. They're willing to be with fear and bear it with compassion. And in this way, fear can serve as a calmness. It becomes a doorway to transformation. So, Pana Tottenham once again says, if you touch the fear instead of running away from it, you find tenderness, vulnerability, and sometimes a sense of sadness. This tender-heartedness happens naturally when you start to be brave enough, courageous enough, to stay present. Because instead of honoring yourself, instead of turning to anger and self-denigration,

[58:37]

or ironheartedness, you keep your eyes open. Then, in time, being in more touch with ourselves actually gives birth to an enormous appreciation for our experience and for the world and for the people. Your heart is filled with gratitude and appreciation, compassion, and caring for other people. This is drawing on that fundamental goodness that I've been speaking about. It all comes from touching that shakiness, that sense of uncertainty, of vulnerability within, and being willing to be present. So again, it's not that we can't be afraid. It's rather that the request that fear mixes us, that we have the courage to meet our fear, to be friendly. And all of us, just everyday people, We put courageous presence into practice daily, and mostly in small ways.

[59:43]

I think of all the doctors and nurses and the other essential workers who are putting their lives on the line to take care of us during this pandemic. All bodhisattvas, bodhisattvas expressing courageous presence everywhere. So what is it to practice courageous presence in the face of fear? Okay. So I've seen that I've come, spoke much longer than I anticipated. So there's much more that we're going to consider around practicing with fear. I think I'll pause here today and just open up the space for a short time to see if there's anything that you'd like to share in regard to your practice with fear. And again, we'll continue this conversation on Thursday. It is... So if anyone feels the need to leave at this time to get you dinner or something else, you're welcome to do so.

[60:44]

And I don't want to keep us for too long, but I'd like to see if there's anything that you'd like to bring forward at this time. So Barbara has kindly put instructions at the bottom of the screen for how you might raise your hand and see if there's something you'd like to bring forward. I'm kind of curious, how are you practicing? I have to find the participant list. Barbara, is there, is going to help me to see if there's anyone who's raising their hand. So far, no one has raised their hand. Are you all too afraid to share something? It's okay. You can step into the beer. Michelle. Michelle. Hi, thank you so much. I don't really have anything about fear right this second, but I just really wanted to thank you because I'm a psychologist and I work with kids who have gone through abuse. And so I've been doing a lot of work with them still face to face now.

[61:47]

And I just wanted to say that your talks have really given me so much strength and ability to be able to continue doing the work that I'm doing in the midst of all of this fear. So I really appreciate, and the collective, I think today, the collective understanding of everyone going through fear and different levels of fear is just, it was really enlightening and just helped me feel more connected to everybody else. And so I really appreciate that. Thank you, Michelle. I appreciate you sharing that. And also, thank you so much for the work that you're doing. It's so important to hold the space for children in the way that you do, you know, to make it possible to find a healing pathway through difficulty so they can find deeper resources for themselves by you holding the space for them in that way. So thank you so much for doing that. Thank you.

[62:49]

Anyone else want to share something before we wrap up for this evening? I spoke a little bit longer than usual. My apologies. Okay. Well, I think given that no one's stepping forward, that we'll conclude for now so that you can all get your dinner. Or depending on where you're at, it may be breakfast. I don't know. So anyhow, I really appreciate your presence. And I hope you'll join us on Thursday where we'll continue our exploration of what it is to practice with fear. Practice courageous presencing. And I encourage you in the meantime to study whenever fear arises. What is... What is the expression of it? And what is it teaching you?

[63:52]

How is it a teacher for you? What is it wanting you to know about being alive, being here, being with the entirety of your experience in a way that's not limiting the way, right? Fear points to a certain sense of alienation and separation from a sentimental wholeness, right? And so in some ways, it's important for us to return to what it is that we fundamentally are and rest there and abide there. Rest in that place that can't be harmed or wounded or hurt in any fundamental way, you know? So there's the relative self, which we need to take care of, and then there's what we call the absent self. That is... which is unchanging, open, spacious awareness, a loving presence, able to be with all experience, all the time.

[64:55]

So thank you, everyone, very much for your practice. I wish you well. And I look forward to seeing you again. So take good care, everybody. Thank you. Good evening. Good night. Good night. Thank you.

[65:16]

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