This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. I once read, I think it was something written by Ajahn Amuro about Ajahn Sumedho. It was one of his teachers. whose teacher was Ajahn Chah. And Ajahn Chah invited Ajahn Sumedha to give a Dharma talk. And so Ajahn Sumedha prepared very hard for this Dharma talk and gave the Dharma talk. And it was very well received and people gave him many compliments on it. And then sometime later, I guess when they were alone, Ajahn Chah looked at Ajahn Sumedha and said, don't ever do that again. So that's not quite our tradition, you know.

[01:03]

In that school, in Ajahn Chah's school, the teachers don't really prepare. They let the Dharma arise as it does, you know. And I think if you're quite far along on the path, that probably works really well. But it's not quite our tradition. I read in one lecture by... Suzuki Roshi, he said his teacher told him that he should always prepare for a lecture even though it doesn't do any good. So I really like that a lot. So I did prepare for this lecture, but I'm actually pretty disorganized, and I'm not very good at organizing pieces of paper or thoughts for lectures. And then I get kind of frantic and start running around and looking for a lot of quotes. I wanted to bring in something by Robert Aiken.

[02:04]

Let me see if I can do this without making too much noise. Robert Aiken, as many of you know, was a wonderful Zen master, Rinzai trained, I think about at least eight different teachers, a few prominent teachers, and he died at the age of 93 about eight or nine days ago. And I think Linda Ruth mentioned him in a lecture a few days ago. I wasn't here for that, so I'm not sure what she said. But anyway, he came to the Dharma first in a civilian internment camp during the Second World War with R.H. Blythe. And then that was 1944. And then he received credentials as a Zen master in 1985. So it's like more than 40 years now. That's really a long time. So I wanted to mention, you know, the priests here at Tassahara and Zen Center, we have black o'cases, many of us, and a few of us have brown o'cases.

[03:08]

This black o'casa means we're priests in training, we're not fully trained priests. So I ordained, on the 21st, it'll be five years ago, so I'm kind of a five-year-old in the Dharma. I looked at a book of Ekin Roshi's gathas called the dragon who never sleeps. And I thought I'd just confine myself to one of them. It's quite a wonderful book. He said he was inspired in part by the Avatama Sakha Sutra, the Flower Ornament Sutra, where apparently there's a whole chapter of gathas. So gathas are verses of four lines. And he kind of modeled his on the ones in the Avatama Sakha Sutra. So first... he states the situation, and then he states the vow. So he says, when I catch myself blowing smoke, I vow with all beings to clean the air by confessing the smoke doesn't cover my fear.

[04:15]

I really appreciate that. I was deeply encouraged by that. And then I was looking for something, you know, Suzuki Roshi. I thought I should have a quote from Suzuki Roshi, so I got one of those too. When your mind is fortified with something, you feel, you yourself feel very safe. And then he laughs. But actually, it is not safe. Let me just read that again. When... Your mind is fortified with something. Like when you try to prepare for a Dharma talk to protect yourself, so you won't be a fool. You feel, you yourself feel very safe, laughs. But actually, it is not safe. Some stronger... You cannot protect yourself by preparing something. When you are ready to adjust yourself, you have immense strength. But usually, we always, by nature,

[05:20]

We try to fortify ourselves spiritually and mentally and or physically. That is why we lose our freedom from our surrounding. So that's kind of the subject of my talk is fear. That's one part of it. And freedom. That's the other part of it. So it might be kind of unified, and it might not, how it comes out. Maybe I'll start with the fear. Two summers ago, in 2008, we had a huge forest fire here, and Tassajara nearly burned to the ground. And I was here that summer, and I was evacuated with many other students, and five of brave monks save Tassajara.

[06:25]

We wouldn't be sitting here in this zendo if they hadn't come back and saved Tassajara. And there were many other monks who worked very hard preparing Tassajara and would have very gladly come in and stayed to save Tassajara. I actually, at that time, was afraid. And one of the benefits of practice is that You just see. You just see. The more and more you practice, there's this awareness that you can't help having if you practice sincerely. You can't help being aware. And you see. You see yourself. You see others. You see, as the Buddha would say, you observe internally oneself. You observe externally others. So what I couldn't help observing about myself was that I was afraid. I was kind of jittery and anxious. And actually I was having a hard time breathing and I was afraid to say I was having a hard time breathing because then I might be asked to leave, which I didn't want to do.

[07:31]

But what came up for me was fear. It was so evident that I thought, well, I should take up this topic and start studying it. So I haven't been studying it really by going to books and looking at it. I've been studying it And what I think is the best way in Buddhist practice to study something is our moment-by-moment experience. What is our experience? And I found that studying fear has many benefits. The first benefit I can think of is that it undercuts arrogance and pride. It's really hard to feel pride and arrogance when you're afraid. and you know you're afraid. If you don't know you're afraid, you can feel arrogant and prideful. And in fact, I think that's when arrogance and pride arises. It's when we don't know we're afraid. I've also thought about it in terms of my life when I was younger, and I'm observing young people at Tassajara.

[08:42]

And I've noticed certain things about our society, the kind of messages that we get, One of the messages we get, I think especially for young women, is that what you have to offer is your physical beauty. That's what you have to offer. And you can offer different parts of your body, like your belly button, or your shoulders, or your cleavage, or something. That's what you have to offer. And it's actually a very strong message. It's hard to... pick up a magazine or something like that a popular magazine without seeing ads that are giving this message to young women and I see somebody probably closer to my age maybe not quite so old as me but nodding in appreciation of this some of us who are older may have lived through the experience of trying to live up to that image

[09:45]

And having kind of hollowness inside, you know, some feeling, I don't have anything else to give but this. And it's not articulated. It's not articulated. We don't realize it. We just think, oh, this is what I have to offer. I have to offer. I should offer this. There's some uneasiness around it, but at the same time, we're kind of glad if we're a little pretty and we have something to offer in that way. So I just wanted to share that and encourage young women to examine that and take heart. Take heart and see what's really important. In the Buddha Dharma, it's said to say to juniors, please treasure yourself. Please treasure yourself. And when I first read that, I thought, oh, that's an interesting thing to say.

[10:46]

over time, I've come to appreciate that more and more, treasuring oneself. When we treasure ourselves, we're not so inclined to do things that we really don't want to do. We're not actually so afraid when we treasure ourselves. When we deeply treasure ourselves, we're not so afraid, which doesn't mean there's no fear. But we're not, if we deeply treasure ourselves, I think we're not so afraid of our own fear. then there are many stories many koans where we have pictures of great fearlessness and that's quite wonderful it's a great model to have but it can kind of leave us with the thought that we shouldn't be afraid

[12:23]

that there's something wrong with being afraid. I'm very grateful for knowing that I'm afraid. I'm very grateful for that. It's a kind of ground that, maybe a groundless ground, but nonetheless, it's a kind of way Be with one's own fear in... It's kind of funny to say one's own fear because the Buddha Dharma actually says there's no owner there. So it's kind of funny to say that. But to experience what we're actually experiencing, fear, and to allow it, to feel the texture of it. You know, what does it feel like in the body? What are the thoughts that are running through the mind? kind of fearlessness allowing yourself to be afraid is a kind of fearlessness and my experience of kind of allowing myself to settle into this is I'm not quite so scared of other people and I can speak on my own behalf in a calmer way

[13:53]

And I can also notice if I think the other person is afraid. Because sometimes things that we don't think of as fear might be fear-based. Like keeping somebody out. You know, not allowing somebody in or not being willing to give somebody a try. Fear appears many times in the sutras. If you look at the Pali Canon, in the Three Baskets, the Tripitaka, Michael McCormick talked a little bit about that this afternoon.

[15:05]

In the Samyutta Nikaya, the volume... Michael had this afternoon. If you look it up in the back, there's an index of subjects, and if you go to fear, there's lots of entries. And the same in the long discourses of the Buddha and the middle-length discourses of the Buddha, there are many entries for fear. In one sutra called Fear and Dread, the Buddha talked about his own fear. He talked about going to a forest, and then he talked about going to woodland shrines and cemeteries and places like that there are certain auspicious days for doing that the 8th and the 15th of the month I think 14th or the 15th of the month and so he did that and he said what if that fear and dread comes upon me and that's what would happen fear and dread would come upon him and he said he would subdue it where he was so if he was sitting he would sit until he had subdued it

[16:09]

If he was standing, he would stand until he had subdued that fear. If he was walking, he would walk until he had subdued that fear. So I thought, wow, that's pretty good. I'll try that. Well, I didn't get very far with that, to tell you the truth. What I noticed was that I would move. I would move. think he might have been at a more advanced place when he undertook that practice other places that where it appears is this Mara the evil one evil one who appears in the sutras Mara appears in many many sutras where it said that Mara wishing to arouse fear trepidation and terror That's always the way it starts out, fear, trepidation, and terror.

[17:12]

And this is with the Buddha. He would do this, and he would do it with the bhikkhus, with the monks, and he would do it with the bhikkhunis, the nuns. And so, for example, sometimes it would be things like he would cause boulders to be falling down the mountain right near where the Buddha was sitting. And then the Buddha would say something like, I know what that is. That's Mara. And then Mara would say, the blessed one knows me. The fortunate one knows me. And then Mara would go away, very dejected. With the bhikkhuni, sometimes he would say something like, wow, you're really beautiful. Aren't you afraid of rogues coming along? The bhikkhuni would say, is this Mara? Is this Mara trying to unsettle me, trying to get me to stop contemplating the Dharma? And then Mara would say, this Bikuni knows me.

[18:15]

She knows me. And he would go away in dejection. So I would say Mara is kind of our own mental state. These voices that come up and say, you know, you're only a woman. You can't attain enlightenment. The major monasteries in Japan, they don't even accept women. So you don't really count. say things like that. Or they might say, there's no point in getting out of bed in the morning. You're not going to get anywhere with this practice. That doesn't sound like arousing fear, trepidation, and terror. Actually, I think it is. Studying the Buddha Dharma is not something trivial or taken up as a hobby.

[19:31]

Which isn't to say it can't be taken up that way, because it can, and then who knows where it'll lead. but actually it's kind of the most important thing in life. So when we feel that discouragement, I think it can be like, almost like some pit opening below us, some, I don't know what, some cavern or something that can, suck us down why should I continue this I feel depressed

[20:38]

I don't know how I'm gonna make my living when I'm old. The sea is being poisoned with oil. There's so many things that can convince us that we haven't got a chance. this fear, trepidation, and terror. I feel like it's good to know that. When we know it, it's not a question of knowing it in words. The words...

[21:58]

point to it but it's more allowing ourselves to think into it and feel it. I'm afraid everything is really hopeless. What a relief to really feel it. It's not exactly feeling hopeless or feeling hopelessness. It's feeling, it's knowing what you're thinking. When we don't know when we're thinking, but we don't know that we're thinking certain things, we get in trouble. Wow, time flies.

[22:59]

I wanted to talk a little bit, too, about a trip I just made to Green Gulch. So I hope it's not going too far from that. Maybe it's good to move away from that a little bit. But actually, I don't think it's moving away from it. I was in Green Gulch for a few days of vacation. I went to see my teacher, had Dokusan, and talked to him about what I was going to talk about, which was helpful. And then I went to see Grace Daman. Some of you know Grace. Many of you do not. Grace lived most of her adult life as a doctor practicing medicine, and she lives at Green Gulch with her partner, Fu, and their daughter, Sabrina. And a couple years ago, Grace was in a car accident on the Golden Gate Bridge, a car crossed the divider, and there was a head-on collision, and Grace was in a coma for 47 days, and... I had many, many operations. Her body was very severely damaged, and she's in a wheelchair.

[24:18]

I saw her first in the dining room and went right over. For me, when I see somebody I haven't seen in a while, sometimes even if somebody I've just seen, it takes me a while. Even though I know them very well, I can't quite pull the name and connect it with the person, and she's just sharp as a tack. She just said to her sister, Adair, this is Kathy Early, and sat down. started talking and then I went to visit her a couple days later at her house and it was one of the most enjoyable hours I spent in my life so I just wanted to say a little bit about that Grace I once stayed at Grace's house for Sashin when I was living at Tassajar and I went to Green Gulch for Sashin and Grace and Fu were on vacation. This was long before the accident. And so I was given Grace's bedroom as my place to stay.

[25:21]

And Grace's bed, there was like this pyramid of books. Like to get to the bed, you had to like get over all of these books. It was really something. She's really an amazing person. So she's very engaged. And the first time I saw her at Green Gulch, the very first time I saw her, I think it was at a meal. It was like lunch, I think. And there was this person I had no idea who she was. She had on a white smock and a stethoscope. So she must have just come from the hospital or she was taking care of somebody at Green Gulch. I don't know, but very much the doctor. So when we were sitting having tea in her house a couple of days ago, she had such a beautiful, radiant face. And she looked at me and she said, with such... kind of purity and innocence. She said, I'm right here. She said, my beeper isn't going off. I can't go anywhere. I'm right here with you. I'm right here with you.

[26:21]

And this is where it brings it back to the topic. I had been telling her what I was planning to talk about. I was planning to talk about fear. And so it was right there. And so I said, wow, you know, I hear what you're saying, Grace. And I have to tell you, what's arising in me is fear. I'm a little bit afraid of just totally being here with you. I'm a little bit afraid of that. And then it was okay. Then it was okay. We could talk. And she said, I don't think we've ever talked like this before, have we? I said, no, we haven't. It was a wonderful talk. So for those of you who know her, she's doing very well, and she's going to have another operation, and she would like to walk. A person of great courage. And this, I don't know if it fits in, because this was originally what I thought I would talk about before I thought I'd talk about fear.

[27:51]

So maybe I'll just say a few words about it. And that's models in the Buddhist teaching. So it may seem like I'm going off in a different direction, but this also relates to fear. I know when I came to Buddhism, I found a lot of the things very strange. The words were very strange, and there were these things like the five aggregates, you know, like we chant that every morning, Heart Sutra. Form does not differ from emptiness. Emptiness does not differ from form. Form itself is emptiness. Emptiness itself form. All this stuff, it was very confusing and kind of strange, and I wondered if I had to believe it. So... What I found is a very good, for me, way of working with these things, although I think for anyone, is to remember that they're models.

[29:00]

They're not reality. The Buddhist teachings, the verbal teachings, are models of reality, not not reality itself. And I want to just say a little bit about how this touches the rest of our lives. So we say, we have many acronyms, like we say K-12. K-12, right? We say that. That means kindergarten or 12th grade. But, you know, if we say K-12, there's a whole lot behind it that we don't see. We don't see little four or five-year-olds in our minds. We don't see people... graduating from high school, we just say K-12. And maybe that has some value sometimes, but there's a whole lot left out there that we don't notice. And we have maps. We have maps that we use to get places.

[30:00]

You can go to Paris and have a street map and figure out where to go. And we have words. We have words that we use to communicate with each other. So what all of these things have in common is that none of them are the things themselves. And we forget that very easily. So we have a word, fear. We talk about fear, the word fear. It's a word. But what it is exactly, we have to study with our body and mind. We have to study it and feel it, and that requires awareness. If we don't do that, not just with fear, with anything, with K-12, with Zen practice, if we don't do that, it's kind of like going to Paris and staying glued to the map.

[31:08]

So that's actually how we live most of our lives. We live most of our lives. Maybe I should only speak for myself, but actually I think I have a lot of company in this. It's like we're stuck in a map, and we don't realize that we're glued to the map and we're missing Paris. We don't get to see it because we're just like, oh, Champs-Élysées, there it is. Okay, there it is. Champs-Élysées, you know? I don't think I really have anything more to say. Does anyone have a question? We have about five minutes left for comment. Yes? You said you were going to talk about fear and freedom. Oh, fear and freedom. Ah. Well, actually, I thought I did. So freedom is... Freedom is something to notice.

[32:22]

Freedom is something to notice. Freedom is our choice. It's our birthright. And actualizing freedom... is a life's work, done moment by moment, noting what's actually going on with us, whether it's fear. I've touched on one thing, fear, but there are others I could have touched on, you know, greed, you know, others. But actually, I think fear is really, really big, and it... it goes with a lot of these other ones, even greed, looking deeply into greed, one finds fear. So, I think it's willingness to enter, enter terror, not necessarily in such big ways, you know.

[33:37]

can be big ways, but small ways, knowing when we're terrified, when we're afraid. And letting go of things. I think the quote from Suzuki Roshi, we try to fortify ourselves. So he likened Zen practice to going to the restroom. He said, you know, like... You have to go to the restroom. You eat some food, and then you've got to go to the restroom. You drink something, you have to go to the restroom. He said, please excuse me, but my mind is like a garbage can. So we have to let go of things. Letting go of things. I think for most of us here, the practice of zazen is very well suited to that. Just sit down. down whatever happens just continuing day after day sometimes we have freedom experience freedom and sometimes we just feel totally trapped

[35:04]

And it's okay. Somehow I didn't feel quite right saying it's okay. It's okay if we can encourage ourselves. If we can find heart. To just continue. To continue practicing day after day. We touch freedom. Maybe after 40 years, someone will say, Zen Master. And maybe not. kind of like feeling your way in the dark.

[36:12]

Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[36:36]

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