This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Hello. So far away. Hello to whomever is wherever. Thank you for coming and I wish you all We're in a place that's peaceful and safe for you. I think my son is watching. My heart. I am not Pam, by the way. Pam was unable to be here. If you were coming to listen to Pam. My name is Tia. It's very strange to...

[01:00]

speak and then listen to me over there I am here from I just came down from Enzo Enzo is a senior living facility that some senior teachers are now living there and I came down here and in a situation that is also so-so moving. I just moved my whole life. I had to start life kind of all over again. It's a little posh up there. But also you give up a lot because there are a lot of rules, laws that govern senior living facilities. So, for example, I told them that I was coming here for... I wasn't going to be there for a night, so if there's an emergency, they don't have to look for me.

[02:03]

It's kind of interesting. And all the doors are locked. It's a little bit strange. Yeah. But anyway, it took a while being up there to settle down. And when I come here, I'm noticing also that there is a very large moving area around that's happening here. And it's not comfortable. It's hard, you know. Partly it's hard because I think we have to schlep all these things and there's a real stuff to get done. But it's also hard because it points to a certain groundlessness that's real. And it takes a while to be comfortable with that. We're not in control of our life, right? There are many things that go on that happen that create our life.

[03:09]

And when all of our things that we think are secure that make us comfortable or safe or at least known, when that goes away, it's uncomfortable. But it is the truth. There is no ground underneath what we think of as solid. And that's a good thing. Because if everything was grounded and stuck, it would be kind of a deadness. So also at Enzo, there is this mirror that we can ignore if we want to, but it's right there. All the people I see mostly during the day are gray, very gray. And there's only one direction that all of this is going to, which is good.

[04:22]

because it holds a mirror of the way things actually are, fleeting, transient, here only for a moment and then gone. How do we find our way in that reality? It's a good question. It's a difficult question when we are living in what a friend of mine once called, is this okay for you, what's happening? Okay. He called it the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee. Do you know to whom I'm referring? That phrase was shared with me by a young man who was unhoused many years ago. He was no more than 17. And at that time I used to stop and talk to people who were teenagers, basically that was my go-to person, who were unhoused and I'd sit down and talk with them and find out who they were and what their story was.

[05:40]

So this young man, we were talking, I was blown away by this guy because he said he was... Very self-reflective, you know. And he said, no, I have this itty-bitty shitty committee that I am learning not to listen to. I thought it was a great phrase. So when we listen to this little itty-bitty shitty committee that you love, it's not an enemy. Life is very difficult. It's very complex. Who am I? Does she like me? Do they not like me? All of these ideas that we have that make us

[06:47]

think that there's a solid, separate me in there that needs protecting and so on and so forth. We think that. We live that way. We come from that place and it's a place of deep deep separation. And therefore suffering in life becomes really difficult. And I guess I'm going to mention this. Sorry to talk about.

[07:53]

I'm talking about. So, if you watch the news, which I think some of us, I take tastes of news. I don't watch it a lot. It's very, I was gonna say, I'm not gonna edit. I was gonna say insecure. then I was going to say insane, and then I was going to just say, trying to find a less inflammatory word, certainly neurotic, you know, based on greed, and in the case that I was going to mention, hate. Hate. So... I guess I'm going to talk about this. I didn't plan to.

[08:57]

I am Jewish, and I am 80 in a minute. I'm going to be 80 in a couple of weeks. And I grew up with people with numbers on their arm right after World War II. So for me, Israel is, the need for it to exist is a visceral kind of primordial, So it's very interesting for me because I don't particularly agree with how Israel is moving forward with their reactivity from what happened to them on October 7th. But I am committed to finding a way to not make division. For me, it's the most important thing in my life right now.

[10:00]

And I think it's an enormously important teaching for everyone. So I am pained at what is happening in Gaza. For sure. It's very complicated, for sure. Israel has a right to feel frightened and need to exist. And the Palestinians are totally right about what's happening to them now, completely. It's complicated. But what I'm sure of is that it's not making it any better if we come from a place that is one side or the other.

[11:05]

We must find a way to speak with each other at every level that doesn't create division. Not inside yourself versus yourself, which we do. Not with family. not with community and not in the world. When I was young, 60 years ago, in my 20s, I was very active in the civil rights movement. I was arrested at the Sheraton Palace with my brother, arm in arm. And we had a trial. There were 80 of us, and we were divided up in tens. And my brother was in a different trial than I was, and he was innocent. And I was guilty.

[12:09]

So when I came back from Europe, I spent some time in prison, actually. Not funny. It was not funny. But in between that, I went to Mississippi, summer of 64. And when I went there, I had a choice of how to sleep. We were housed in African-American homes with extraordinarily brave people, way braver than I was. Unbelievably brave. So there was a road in front of the house, and I was in the house, in the bedroom, and the bedroom that I was staying in was right next to the road. There was a window. And I was thinking to myself, should I lie down with my head at the wall, with my feet next to the window,

[13:19]

Or if somebody shot into the house, would it probably be better if my head was there? Because then the bullet would go over my head and it would only hit my feet the other way. These are questions nobody should be asking. I have a, I have a, I left actually when the civil rights movement became a little violent in a way that I couldn't understand. I left. And so with Israel, you know, there is something in me that goes, if I were 20 years old and in Israel, would I fight? It's a strange question for me because karmically I have in me this history, this visceral history, but I don't want to fight.

[14:40]

I don't want to fight. I don't want to create division where there is none. Palestinians are people. Israelis are people. We're all people. No one has more life in them than anyone else. No one has any less life, being of life, than anyone else. We are equal, deeply the same. Suzuki Rishi says in his book, maybe it's so. What's it called? Not Always So. I got the gist. You are one with the moon and the stars above.

[15:45]

This is more true than I can say, and more true than you can understand. We are one life, living itself locally, here, there, wherever. And the little itty-bitty shitty committee wants to convince you that you are alone and separate and need to continue. The little itty-bitty shitty committee wants to continue. That's its job, to survive. And we forget the underlying reality.

[16:50]

Equally true. equally true that we are not separate we are not alone we are this life living itself out once we stop listening to the itty bitty shitty committee and put it to rest life becomes very simple you are awake, open, mostly. And then something happens and you respond in as much alignment with the truth as we can muster. And when we are not

[17:53]

needing to maintain ourselves endlessly. It's so exhausting. There's room for the heart to be open. And the heart is an organ of perception. If you allow your not yours actually, but if you allow awareness to be in the heart area and live through there, you perceive differently. Oh, I have, I did have a talk. Where is it? I came across this koan I love, I want to share with you.

[18:58]

It's about dependent co-rising. I shouldn't have told you. Shucks. It's Bai Zhang and a student. Bai Zhang was a great, great Zen master, Chinese student of Matsu, also an incredible student. They were during the Tang Dynasty, which was a classic period of Chinese Zen. And he's walking through a monastery with a monk person. And a wild duck flies overhead. The monk says, what is that? And Bai Zhang says, it's a wild duck.

[20:04]

And the monk, being a good student, persists. Where about does it come from? He or she asks. And Bai Zhang says, where indeed? Where does anything come from? It's all coming from everything. Everything makes the duck. Everything makes the monk or Bajang or you or me or the tree. Where does the tree end? Why can't we... Can you see how the word tree separates it out in our mind as something different from earth and rain and sky and sun?

[21:16]

It's not that it's not true. It's good to point, you know, there is something there that needs water and sun and so on. but we call it a tree just for convenience. It's actually life that we're looking at. What a relief that it doesn't only depend on you. This was Katigaris Roshi's magnificent teaching. As individuals, we're totally responsible for everything we do, our behavior, completely. How we walk in the world means something. It has an effect. There are consequences to what we do, where we come from, inside. And yet,

[22:25]

because all of life is creating this of itself, having nothing to do, certainly with me. I can't tell the rain to come or my plants to grow correctly. I can help. In that way, we're forgiven everything. Everybody is. It's a wonderful teaching. Suzuki Roshi said, the me that we think of as solid and separate is just a swinging door with our breath. Nothing more than that.

[23:30]

Why do we make it so difficult? Because we can't give up. We keep grasping. We keep wanting it to be better or different. Or we want me to be better or different. But that's not where freedom lies. Strangely, freedom lies in letting go. Of all of it. All of it. So we have to learn what it is. We have to really investigate this itty-bitty shitty committee and how it works, how it maintains itself, in order to begin truly and deeply letting go. feeling my right knee.

[24:52]

It's calling to me. I don't sit cross-legged much anymore. I have arthritis in my hip, and this knee just doesn't want to do this. So excuse me, I'm going to attend to the body. I'm just going to let this leg. Oh, that feels so much better. That really hurt. You know, for a long time I was puzzled by Dogen's teaching of practice realization. I just couldn't get it. But if we understand this balance of form and emptiness, individual and whole, birth and death and life, we can understand that what Dogen is talking about is completely being.

[26:15]

That's the realization part. And becoming. That's the practice part. We have to practice. While we're practicing, we are also being moment, moment, moment. Both. Always. All the time. True. It's a balance. I brought a poem, so I will read you the poem, and then I will stop. My friend Mickey, who died when she was 52, who I still have in my heart,

[27:22]

She was very creative and made, for me, a plaster shape and she drew on it the kind of drawing that she did, like with her finger through the plaster, you know, kind of thing. And on it she squiggled this poem throughout the images and the shape and stuff. Because she knew way before I knew that I wasn't being true to my own self. I wasn't being me. I was practicing really hard, but I had no idea. So she was pointing. This is a Rilke poem. Quiet friend who has come so far.

[28:28]

Feel how your breathing makes you more space. I'm sorry. I'm going to start again. Quiet friend who has come so far. I can't read my own writing. This is what this is. Because I came with my computer, but I have no printer things. I couldn't print anything out. And also, this is... I hope this is funny for you. I don't mean anything because I'm being taken care of really well. But there's no food. There's no breakfast. So I got up and I spent some time looking for a banana, knocking on doors at city center, asking if anybody had a banana. And lucky for me, I knocked on Mako's door and she had banana cake. Even better. So I'm joking, but... Anyway, so I wrote this out, so I will try better. I'm trying again. Here I am. Quiet friend who has come so far, feel how your breathing makes more space around you.

[29:36]

Let this darkness be a bell tower and you the bell. As you ring, what batters you becomes your strength. move back and forth into the change. What is it like such intensity of suffering? If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine. In this uncontainable night, be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses, the meaning discovered there. And if the world has ceased, To hear you say to the silent earth, I flow. To the rushing water, say, I am. Okay. I hope my talk didn't hurt anybody or cause anybody difficulty.

[30:47]

I'm trying just to encourage you. And I dedicate whatever merit here in our assembly to peace, please. Let's find a way to peace and let's each of us try to be that peace inside first and then with family and friends and community. So maybe I can... spread widely and we can, as human beings, find a way to peace with each other and the earth. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[31:53]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

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