What I've been trying to present so far is the conclusion of it in my mind is something like this. Every moment completely itself. And in meaning that moment, there's two possibilities. One is somehow in meaning fully forget the self. In meeting it, and then the other possibility is in meeting it gives rise to the self. There's a response. How could it not be? I think both of those in meeting them completely offer the Dharma, offer the path of liberation, in meeting it completely the realization of what is. On the side of our human response, there's then this schoolfulness, both of working on our own particular response, who I am, thoughts and feelings, the behaviors of me.

[01:47]

And in a slightly more general way, but also in a personal way, creating the context, the situation conducive to being awake in both of those. in both that going beyond the self and meeting the self. And so what I'd like to do this morning was this. I'd like to torch you with another interactive question and answer. All these words and ideas are wonderful. And as we gain some appreciation for them, we can be inspired, we can be instructed, and we can feel some sense of empowerment. Oh, that's it.

[02:50]

Still, we have to actualize it. Still, we have to go beyond it. thoughts and ideas and meet the moment directly. And, you know, this interaction with someone else, there's both the content of the question, you know, but there's also this process. You're meeting other, you know, and then your own notion of what other is. Or is it, in a way, to go beyond yourself? Is that the source of nurturing support, acknowledgement, guidance? Is that a dangerous proposition? Will I be okay? What if I let other influence me? What's going to happen to me? And then the wonderful thing about the interactive process is,

[03:59]

You don't sit there and cogitate on all of that. It all happens almost underneath your cognitive mind. And this is a process we're going through all the time. There's what we think is happening in our practice, and then there's something underneath that going on too. And part of the challenge is to facilitate, and in a significant way, trust that. You sit, Salzen, there's what you're aware of what's going on, and you like it and you don't like it, and you have your understandings and your confusions all happening at your cognitive level, and then there's something underneath that. There's a psychosomatic process.

[05:02]

There is a kind of a workings that happen. Something akin to when we go to sleep. When we go to sleep at night and we release, as Thich Nhat Hanh called, there's a healing. And when you release well and sleep, you wake up and worry, and you're refreshed. And quite literally, it can be physical healing. So this is there at the kernel of being in the moment. And then very close to that is the Fear that arises with self-preservation. And then this is kind of the beautiful dilemma for us as human beings.

[06:06]

Who doesn't want to heal? Who hasn't suffered and doesn't have something that needs healing? And who doesn't want to be safe from the ferocious winds of change that doesn't do what they do dispassionately. And in a powerful way, that plays itself out as we enter the moment. Sometimes we might have insights about it. Sometimes we might experience consequence of it that we approve of, that we enjoy. Oh, I'm a little bit less reactive around that issue. I'm progressing.

[07:08]

Sometimes I might be utterly confused. I'm more reactive and agy and selfish than I used to be. Is this practice really working? Am I doing it right? Once about every five years or so, you should check in and ask Conway to do it. But I thought, you know, so I have to go up and teach a class. I teach a year-long chaplaincy course, and today's the final day. So it's important enough that I think I should be there. So that's why the class is early, and then we'll have the study period. And what I'd like to do is set up some reflections that in some ways can help you absorb what's happened in this first week.

[08:20]

With the caveat that that's a little bit of a dangerous proposition. In a way, there's a usefulness in reflection. What has happened in this last week? And then there's a danger. If I think this, that's the sum total of it. And if I think this, that is what happened. And if I don't think it, well, as a consequence, it didn't happen. It's more like we hold our thoughts on what's happened as a proposition. Okay. That is how I think about it right now. Yeah. And in the Zen School, we draw this thinking process into the realm of inquiry, and then we give it this wonderful kind of quote, koan.

[09:33]

It's evident. There it is. It's manifest. It can be apprehended through the sense doors. And right along with that, there's something about it that goes beyond what your mind can conjure up. This leads to something I was saying yesterday, which is like, The experience is experienced, and then it can sort of be contracted into the story of me. I like it, I don't like it, I think this about it, I think that about it. Or somehow, that very same experience can be an invitation into something... As Muriel Oliver says, and in that silence a door that opens that another voice may speak.

[10:45]

Something can express itself about existence more than the story according to me. This is gone. No. It doesn't exclude what you think. But it's surely not just what your mind is conjured up. OK. So that's the preamble. Now here's the terrible question. So if you could prepare for this terrible ordeal by pairing up with someone and sit facing them, if you would. And, you know, you can spin down a little bit so that when you interact, you can get a little auditory zone.

[11:54]

And then if you could decide to go first or to go second. And first of all, examine the space between you and your partner. Is this a big enough space? Are you going to be able to see it? Can you sit a little further apart? Well, I was sorry. You know, facing another person is a very scary business. They're going to have thoughts and feelings, quite scary as that. Maybe they're even going to have judgments about you. Oh, my goodness. It's crazy. And then come into connection to your own being.

[13:12]

Not as a place to hide from the will, as a place to stay separate from it, but as a place to be grounded. When Mara said to him, well, who are you? They think you can practice. And he touches the earth. This one. This one called me is part of the being of the moment. has the truth of its suchness beyond gain and loss, success and failure. This is our refuge.

[14:22]

This is our grant. This is original mode. This is Buddha nature. then to open and take in the presence of other, which is not other, it's just another part of this original variety. Inviting some small self-integrated being. to wordlessly decide who's going to go first. Okay. And the question is, and please don't start yet.

[15:30]

And the question is, what's happening now? And for the answerer, the person who's going to answer, that moment is, is the answer. Can you trust yourself to the moment? Can you watch the impulse to prepare the next answer? To do something to the answer, to have it make sense, to modify it, edit it, any way to watch the human response around the simple suchness of the moment. To watch how it's not necessarily a cognitive process. And then you answer.

[16:36]

And then the person receiving the answer, the questioner, Can you just say thank you or just return to silence? And feel. Feel what's an appropriate rhythm to questioning. Not too fast, not too slow. What's happening now? What? [...]

[17:38]

... [...] . . . It's a great hurt. It's a great hurt.

[18:39]

It's a great hurt. [...] It's soft, but it's white, [...] white . [...]

[20:03]

Well, I thought it might happen in my house. But it was a very good one. Read it. It's very good. [...] So, what do you think? What? What now? For a while. For a while. Great to speak. Great to speak. Great to speak. I'm feeling a little embarrassed that it was.

[21:16]

What happened? [...] . . [...] It says you can just close your eyes and lean as present as you can for what's happening.

[22:25]

James Crudit. In the body, in the mind, in the state of mind, emotionally, anything comes into consciousness. And when I ring the bell, if you would please switch roles. Start again. What's happening?

[23:41]

... [...] I'm still at that, too. I'm still at that, too. I'm still at that. [...] What's happening?

[24:51]

What's happening? What's happening? What's happening now? [...] It's not that long work. It's [...] not that long work.

[25:53]

It's not that long work. [...] It's happy there. It's happy. It's happy. It's happy. . [...]

[27:09]

And then again, if you would just close your eyes. Just be present for each experience. Amazing workings of human existence. What closure do you want to have with this person who has just shared the power of simple intimacy with you? If you would just have some great exchange in whatever way you'd like to express that, please do.

[28:34]

When I was being messed up, I was serious, I'm sorry, just like, even the body and everything. When I was asking, I was hearing the truth. It was horrible. And so we know what we're doing. And when you're ready, if your white boys come back with you, you know, so you're just because I encourage you to come back with me and pick me up. Thank you. So what did you learn from being a pirate mindfulness and practice?

[29:57]

I don't want you to disclose the inner secrets of your partner. I found that when I was being asked the question, I was making an effort to be aware of my body and feeling all these sensations in my body. When I was asking the question, I was much more aware of the sounds of the room and, you know, the sound of other voices. And when I was being asked a question, I was tuned out in a way. Because I was just listening to my body. When he was answering the question, he was tuning more to the internal. But when he was asking it, he was losing more capacity to include the external, the sides of the environment, things like that. Thank you. Great. I found it kind of hard to answer based on the thought.

[30:59]

I was trying to answer a question that made a thought come in my mind. What is happening? I can answer. Yeah. So when we notice something like that, some places where we're struggling or striving or resisting, can we pause and sometimes not combine the struggle? Not add to it. That's bad. Either endorse it and give over to it or pull away from it. and judge it. In that moment, contact with it, soften.

[32:02]

Naturally, the contact will guide us. Our experience in that moment will guide us in how to respond. An obstacle to expressing it? In what way? The object in your body is the obstacle to feeling it fully? What was the last part? Oh, your thoughts? Oh, my thoughts. Oh, your thoughts are an obstacle. Yeah, well, like, this point in my mouth is happening, and at the same time, when I'm trying to share that or express that, I can also close and just be an obstacle to figure out.

[33:20]

Can you also see that as we keep opening Resistance, contracting, can just be held as part of what's happening too. Anyway, nothing hinders the moment. It's part of the moment. But in our human experience, we put it outside. The deep impulse of personal survival wants to do something to it. hold on to it, get rid of it. And as I was saying earlier, not just on a cognitive level, actually, those deeper struggles are, you know, we don't sit there and think it all through, oh, I think I'll resist this.

[34:26]

So this kind of The request of the moment is this beautiful double-edged sword, you know, on one hand. It's inviting liberation here. And then on the other hand, it's totally dangerous. But what's it going to do to me? Someone else put your hand up? Wait, do you have a hand up there? No. I am. Well, on reflection, I was thinking about that gender poem and the way in which Dobrik talks about Ludovitcher being in the midst of the myriad things. Because I noticed to me it was really a myriad things better look. I mean, it was sort of more difficult to pick one or to name one.

[35:27]

of the things that was happening in London. And so I just had to keep it up and go out of London. When I was being asked a question, this is something that I noticed before, I was really looking at my perfect eyes. And when I do that, I really feel, I really sense the separation between our consciousness, because it's very And that's always the part of what I feel when I'm really being closer to someone. Then I noticed when I was acting with that student and she was answering, I felt much closer. I felt much less separation when I was acting with that student. I think probably being less self-conscious. And then from that, I figured it would be like, A working hypothesis.

[36:28]

Hmm. And you can explore it. From our experience, it offers us a teaching. As a call. Hmm. What about that? What would it be to kick that into my life and explore it and discover it and let it be a mode of discovery? Not so much then I'll really get the right answer. The question just opens the door. Hopefully that door can just keep opening. I just found that the experience of the moment is much larger than a single word or you know, the language that I'm trying to express.

[37:29]

You know, it's just maybe just picking out the most foreground. And also, by the time I speak, it already has changed. So sometimes there's the impulse of thinking, oh, I should change my answer. Then it's... It just makes me think, okay, just don't take it too seriously. It's just me talking. Yeah. But the whole experience is so much larger. Yeah. And then out of that vast interconnected meaning, we make something amazing called my response. Or me. Always say something. And that's a beautiful experience because it's not like... Because it really undermines the notion that I've got it.

[38:40]

I'm speaking the truth. Here's my offering. What can I do except to hold up a single flower in a bindless field of flowers? Still a flower. What I was saying, it felt like a reference to whatever was going on. And I couldn't ever hope to capture what was going on. So it was like a card catalog that has a little bit of something that points you to the whole book. So it was like, if I said eyes, there was something going on with eyes, but not the word eyes. Yeah.

[39:42]

It seemed like a card in a card catalog. It's just a card, but it references a whole book. You hold up one flower, but you're talking about all flowers. And you're talking about what flowers? Like, I was offering something useful, like, here's the view from over here that you can't possibly see because you're not hearing, you're there. Like, so here, I'm just sharing, following you this kind of other experience that isn't words. Yeah. Right. No, I just do a sense of listening. I sit with Godra. One thing happens to me, I mean, my response is not separate from his. I would sit with you at least something different.

[40:46]

Just how we can get affected all the time. Yeah. Can you repeat? Yes, please. I'm sitting with Dr. Dean's exercise. I have one of you, and I'd say I have to different responses, things coming up. If I sit with Paul, it might be something else. If I sit with Ian, it'll be something else. How the interconnectedness that we're affecting each other will always find, even if I think I'm separate, I'm not. My responses are always cut by the person sitting through it. So we can reflect. What just happened? What did I notice?

[41:48]

What did I like? Not so then we have things to grasp and turn into kind of, you know, dullness. Okay, well, that's it. That's how you correct it. Now I know. That is the right way to do it. don't do it that way, you're doing it the wrong way. And if you do it that way, you've succeeded. And if you don't, you fail. Everything in your world is going to work out right. And if you don't, it's just never, ever going to work out. It's something more... It's something lighter. It's more like... Something to... stimulate your curiosity, a genuine curiosity about how amazing it is to be you. How in some ways we're mystic to ourselves.

[42:53]

And in some ways we're this incredible, continual, dynamic process. And it's so alive. And we can accept the invitation into that aliveness. Or we can screen it out, mute it, dine, struggle terribly with it. And who chooses which way to go? Who's in charge here anyway? And what supports it to be one way and rather than the other? That set of questions, how much am I willing to entertain them in contrast to all the other magnificent, terrible things I tell myself?

[44:01]

All the other things that I say, oh, I really want that. Oh, I really want to get away from it. Reflection. In a way, reflection is like renewing our vow. It's like so ritually, with the full one's sermon, we renew our vow. And part of our collective process is we let a certain language pull back for us. I mean, you took a set in the Buddhist before Buddha. And then there's another way in which our vow is extraordinarily intimate and personal. And in an amazing way, our vow is more intimate and personal than what we can say about it.

[45:12]

Still, I would say it's helpful to reflect on it. So my suggestion for this study period that's happening now is that you reflect, you can reflect totally on this exercise and, you know, contemplate your own responses to those questions. Or you can reflect on that first week of the intensive. being the most vulnerable experiences. Often it's interesting to notice, but sometimes just what comes back to life is interesting to notice. Sometimes it's helpful to reflect. What were the emotional highlights of my life?

[46:24]

What were the strongest feelings? Oh, a strong sense of warmth when that person gave me that little kindness. Or a sense of gratitude when I just felt deeply appreciative of the wisdom and compassion of the Buddha, Deep sights of loneliness when I was in my room. I just felt something missing. Or whatever. I mean, you're you. To take those highlights, whatever they were, and acknowledge them. And what do I have to teach you about who you are? What do I have to teach you How I practice. And how will that be carried forth by teaching?

[47:34]

Be carried forth from here on. If I was to examine that interplay of self and other, how would I do that? But it is from allowing myself when I come into social interaction to pay attention to, you know, how much eye contact would make, you know, whether I'm more involved in what I want to say next when you stop or how present I am for your words and not trying to create a response. The intention. that renews our vow, can have an enlightening quality for our practice. The spirit of Zen practice, it's not that, okay, you should be, I should be like this.

[48:35]

No. It's more, we're here to learn, we're here to discover, we're here to explore. We hear the test start and the amazing thoughts about the practice that come into our minds and our hearts. And then what happens is our teacher. So this reflection and contemplation its place in our practice. I just thought, oh, this is a good point to do it. No. Wouldn't we? Of course, that's just an arbitrary idea. In our tradition, we do it on the footwork.

[49:43]

It's an arbitrary idea. And you can even ask yourself, When we had that full-length ceremony, how much did I have a sense of renewal? Well, with my life, just thinking, oh my God, I've been bothered. Or whatever, you know? And you can either contemplate that and just have it be a thought process. You can try writing it. You can try rereading some of the material, some of your own notes if you're typical. What's a catalyst? What for you is a catalyst in stimulating the heart and mind of vow and attention?

[50:44]

And then one last thing, a story. All good spiritual practices type stories. I mean, what's more fun than a good story? The great thing about a story is You get to kind of draw conclusions from the story. So the story is about Angoli Mala. Does everybody know what Angoli Mala was? Well, he wasn't the lead singer in a rock and roll band.

[51:54]

Apparently, in early Buddhism, there was. Angalu Mala was a famous serial killer. It's never quite explained how that came to be, but he was supposed to be utterly ferocious. And he cut the finger off each of its victims and made them into a necklace. So, and then this character, this person, ferocious, ruthless, violent, whatever else goes into being affected person, comes across Shakyamuni Buddha. And Shakyamuni Buddha is broken, and needless to say, there was a lot of fear and tropogation around Angoli Mahler. He had a wide reputation. People were very frightened of him.

[52:55]

And Shakyamuni Buddha is walking along and Angoli Mahler sees him. And Angoli Mahler calls out to stop. And Shakyamuni Buddha doesn't stop. And Angali Mala calls that again, but it still doesn't stop. And Angali Mala is trying to catch up with Shakti Muli. But even though Shakti Muli is just walking at a steady, mindful place. Angali Mala is having a very hard time catching up. Eventually, he gets close enough to check in when the Buddha says to him, well, you're calling out for me to stop.

[53:59]

But actually, I think you're the one that needs to stop. And then Angerimala is struck by how check in when the Buddha isn't afraid of it, isn't upset or frightened, or isn't even preserving his own separateness. And some people in it was deeply touched and moved by this, and despite his previous He finds himself asking Shakyamuni about practice. Asking him about stopping.

[55:04]

And I have an exchange. And Angulimala asks Shakyamuni if he could practice with him. And Shakyamuni says yes. He can. and so I'm going while it becomes part of the group of practitioners that practice with Shaka winning and he becomes ordained and actually that is a profound realization as he continues his practice and that was Those afflictions that caused him to be so violent totally fall away. He becomes a kind, open, caring person. But all the people in that area who had to experience him in his former way of being are still resentful and bitter

[56:17]

and hurt by the terrible crimes they committed, and they express all that. They bring to him all their accusations and fearlessness, and even though now it means marriage, he still has to confront all these things. No, he doesn't. He isn't that person inwardly, internally. And he asked Chapter Mooney about it. Chapter Mooney said, well, so it is. So it is. This is how it is. And that's historic. So you can reflect on that too.

[57:19]

Why would such a story enter into the lore of Buddhism? What's represented in all of that? Sometimes it's helpful to think of the whole story that's playing out as part of your role. You know, you are both, you are everyone in the story. You are Guya and you are Angolimala. And the villagers. And the villagers. Yeah. Sometimes to notice which one do I identify the most. Where am I in that story? It seems like that story is saying that, and I really don't agree with that. I don't really have a problem with that.

[58:23]

Or what? What goes to that when you cross that pebble into the pond of your being? What do the ripples look like? How does it act as a catalyst for being a way Thank you.

[59:04]

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