Good morning. This morning's talk will be exploring and discussing the practices around dying and death. And, you know, you may have come to this Dharma talk with something else in mind. And often, I don't know what the theme of the talk is going to be until it's closer to the time of the talk, but this has been scheduled for months to coincide with an afternoon workshop called When Blossom... Well, actually, it's Compassionate Practices for the End of Life.

[01:15]

So a number of you might be here this morning because you're also going to stay for this afternoon's workshop with Jennifer Block. Is Jennifer Block? Is right here from the Zen Hospice Project. And... This workshop, which has been offered in the city and Tassajara as well, takes up how do we take care of our life and our death and express our love for those around us and bring attention to this area which we may have some aversion to. as a way to take good care of our life. So, this is a subject that affects everyone without exception, and I've been turning this particular theme for quite a while, trying to settle on what it is that I want to bring up for us this morning.

[02:30]

So if you're feeling, just by knowing what the topic is, a little bit of bracing yourself, let's just relax and see what comes up for each one of us as we bring up this topic. And you might be surprised. So this time of year I think is a perfect time actually to look at this, this autumn as the light is fading and it's the new year right now, the Jewish new year, and it does always feel to me like the new year, school's starting again, summer vacation's over, and time to take stock, maybe do a little tidying up and rearranging and taking up our life and putting some order into our life.

[03:41]

Sometimes happens around this time of year. I wanted to tell you a story which I've told several times before but it's very apropos. It's a story about Katagiri Roshi who was the late guiding teacher for the Minnesota Zen Center of Minneapolis. And he was invited by Suzuki Roshi, the founder of San Francisco Zen Center, to come and help him take care of this American temple that was being started. So he came and for about 12 years helped Suzuki Roshi and was at Tassahara and the city. And then he went to Minnesota. And the From my understanding of the story, the group wasn't really getting off the ground, wasn't reaching that many people, so the members decided to invite a lot of people to a kind of tea, an afternoon tea, very fancy, and they had tablecloths and tables set up at the Zen Center, which is a beautiful home on Lake Calhoun.

[04:52]

And they invited people from the art community, University of Minnesota, the Tyrone Guthrie Theater, all these places, Walker Art Center, to come and meet the Zen master and have tea and learn about what programs were being offered. And they were hoping that Katahiri Roshi would do something really zen, you know, like, I don't know, shout or talk about calligraphy or tea ceremony or zazen or something. So they're all ready, having their tea, drinking with these teacups. It was time for his talk. And he got up in front of this lovely group from Minneapolis and he said, you're all going to die. That was his opening remark. And what I was told is the tea cup sort of froze in midair. But I would like to echo that.

[05:58]

We're all going to die. And this fact, you know, is a kind of Dharma gate. And it was a Dharma gate for the Buddha as well, Shakyamuni Buddha. I think the Dharma gate for many people who come to Zen Center, it's the Dharma gate of loss, of, through dying, people they love dying, through violent death or illness, dying too soon, accidents, and various losses of various kinds. Many people have come to practice through this Dharma gate, where that death has stopped the person in their tracks, in the direction they've been going, and life doesn't make sense anymore in the same way. And they've turned. And the same with Shakyamuni Buddha, those of you who know the story He, the legend and the story, he came from a royal family.

[07:05]

And the story is that he was kept from seeing, he lived in the palace, the palace compound, and he was kept from seeing anything that was dying. Even wilted flowers were whisked away and fresh flowers put out so that he wouldn't have anything disagreeable, anything. to make him sad, anything that would turn him away from just taking on the role of being the king. But he lived in this pleasure palace, really, and the story is that he wanted to see something else. He wanted to go outside this enclosure, this very fixed enclosure, very contrived, really. In the attempt, when he did go out, there was an attempt to, actually the king said, have all the sick people and all the lame people and all the homeless and anybody who might be upsetting to see for the young prince, hide them, get them out of the way, have them clear the streets.

[08:15]

And supposedly this happened, but when the Buddha went out the first time, He saw somebody who looked very old. He was weak. He was using a cane. He was tottering along. And he asked his charioteer, who is this person? What's the matter? Is this something just that is going on with them, or are we all subject to this? And he was told, no, this is sickness, and we're all subject to this. And this deeply affected the young people. Siddhartha, Siddhartha. And the next time he went out, he saw a sick person who looked very terrible, was shaking and sores covering them, you know, a very strong image. And he had never seen, he had been kept from seeing this kind of thing. And he asked, you know, are we all subject to this or is this just this person? And he was told, no, everybody.

[09:21]

sickness. And the third time he went out, he saw a corpse being carried through the streets with mourning family and friends traveling behind on their way to the charnel ground or the cremation area. What is this? What has happened? What is the matter with this person? So old age sickness and death was the Dharma gate for Shakyamuni Buddha. And after that, the palace and the pleasures of the palace and the music and the good food and the lovely companions of all types, as well as his family life, in some versions his family life, other versions he doesn't have a family life yet. This, he couldn't take pleasure anymore in the same way. He was so profoundly effective. There was no meaning anymore.

[10:26]

If all this happens, old age and sickness and death, to all of us, then what are we doing distracting ourselves and entertaining ourselves endlessly? So he woke up to this and set out. This became his big question. How to live in a world like this? How do we... live truly and resolve this. So this enormous anguish that we have when we even glance over there to the reality of old age sickness and death, we have trouble with this. We all have trouble with this. There's a lot of pain associated with this kind of loss. And we all do have our pleasure palaces as well that we tend to create for ourselves, you know, keeping out what we don't like and filling it with all of our preferences and staying healthy and eating well and, you know, as if to keep

[11:50]

old age sickness and death at bay, somehow if we just try hard enough, we'll just, you know, not me, somehow there's, even though intellectually we know this is ridiculous, still there may be some, like someone who I know, a relative, when trying to talk with this person about, you know, have you made plans for your, Have you bought a plot, a cemetery plot, or made any plans? They basically said, I'm not going to die. It was kind of a joke, but at the same time, they didn't make any arrangements. They were averting, turning away from. So we can keep ourselves in our proverbial pleasure palaces or make an effort to and have our routines and our habits and our ways of looking at things and not stop and allow ourselves to look at the truth of what is

[13:11]

So in early Buddhism, one of the early meditations was the meditation on death. And this was thought to be, certain meditations are appropriate for different people at different times according to their conditions. But the meditation on death was thought to be appropriate for everybody. And there's ways to wisely bring up a meditation on death and skillfully and unskillfully. Paul Haller, who practiced in Thailand, Burma, I think, both, maybe Thailand, was given that as a meditation subject right away, the first thing, when he first became a Theravan monk. And what he said was it didn't work for him. He was kind of a melancholy guy, prone to depression, and this death thing just, it wasn't working, he was getting more and more depressed. But the object of this meditation is not to

[14:22]

bring on depression or for us to be downcast. It's a way of thoroughly relating to the truth of our life and what is and to be willing to face the truth And this willingness to face kind of goes against this huge, huge effort that we feel is going on around us in the society and friends and family and everything we pick up or read or look at that's trying to distract us somehow or take care of this fact that there's going to be, that there is, not going to be, that there is right now. old age sickness and death. There's a huge, enormous effort that's trying to distract us from this and buy things that will ward this off.

[15:36]

So one of the main, you know, the truth of impermanence is one of the main Buddhist teachings. And our death Our old age, sickness and death is one example of this truth, one powerful, powerful example that if we take this up and become familiar with it, all the different parts of our life that are bound up in loss and change and transiency will change as well. So, the only thing we know for certain, actually, you might say, in this world of impermanence and transiency is that we will all die in this world of uncertainty.

[16:50]

We can be certain about that. And this old meditation on death in early Buddhism, you can find it in the Path of Purification, the Vasudhi Magga, and it's under the chapter for concentration. So this is a way to bring concentration and focus and stability and tranquility, actually, into our life, as well as joy, which I'll kind of come back to in a little while. The traditional meditation is to think to oneself, death will come, the life force will be cut off. Very simple. Or just plain, death, death. Now, the skillful way, or maybe I should say the unskillful way, is...

[17:53]

thinking about this in terms of various people that we might not feel so bad about if they died and to accept that, you know. Or we might feel if it's our enemies, so-called enemies, we might feel joy at that or rising mind around that or great grief if it's somebody we love or indifference. And this tends to bring us kind of up and down and up and down and not be conducive to this stability and tranquility. So to wisely set it up and with each thing we meet, not musing about, oh, what about this person, what about that person, but each person we meet, each animal, each situation to actually bring up. The way I practiced it when I first began doing this, which I heard about this very early on in my practice, that this was a good, wholesome practice to try.

[19:01]

So I tried it out. And I would practice with putting death on my left shoulder. This is part of the instructions. Carrying it. And saying, death, death, death will come. A life force will be cut off. Death, death, death will come. The life force will be cut off. And then see what happens. What happens if you're looking at someone and that thought arises? Who is that person then? Do we drop our assumptions about them or are taking them for granted? Or, oh, I know who they are, I'll see them tomorrow. There's something very alive that can happen in the middle It sounds contradictory or paradoxical or ironic that in the middle of this kind of meditation one would feel life and the preciousness of life speaking to us, meeting us.

[20:17]

this inability or wanting to turn away from the way things is the way the way things Suzuki Roshi said the way things is and which people thought was his English not being sure about his English but he was clear the way things is which is the ten thousand things and the one and the many being non-dual. But we can also say the way things are, that's okay. So the truth that grasping things is basically delusion. How come? Because things are not permanent. They're not under our control. They're not reliable. They're changing, evolving each moment. things arise. There's some duration.

[21:22]

This is one way to talk about arising, duration and vanishing. Or just arising and vanishing. Because the duration is a kind of arising and vanishing too. So arising and vanishing or emerging and perishing at, you know, at such an actual unbelievably fast rate that it's impossible to experience it in a finger snap, gazillions of risings and vanishings. But we try and grasp onto things in a world that's like that, that has this ever-flowing, ever-changing, non-graspable. And as we And we don't like it, you know, that things change. We don't like the way things are often.

[22:24]

Sometimes we do. And we don't like the way things are and we have craving that they be different. We want them to be different. We want to make them different somehow. We will control them or do something. And because of the truth of the way things are, that's impossible to do. And we have... anguish come up. Stephen Dashler uses the word anguish rather than suffering. You know, the Four Noble Truths, there's the truth of suffering. And he uses the word anguish instead. The word anguish, the root of it, comes from a narrowing and it's akin to angst and angina, a narrowing and a strangling and a tightening feeling, this anguish that things aren't the way we want them to be. So then we try the exact opposite way, by trying to gather more things or grasp onto things and have more permanence and have more reliability.

[23:33]

And we, ironically, the more we try to grasp at things, the more anguish we have. The more anguish we have, the more we try to get things that are going to stay put, be in place, So it's this vicious circle that goes round and round and round and the whole, as I said, our whole world conspires with us. This is samsara. This is the wheel. So to look at this craving to have things different than the way they are and to let go of that craving not by destroying it or pushing it down or some kind of getting rid of but by seeing seeing the truth that all things are ungraspable and also all composite things are

[24:49]

inconstant, not worthy of confidence, not worthy of trust, trusting in this mistaken way that we do, that they're going to be there. And this letting go of that craving allows us to, the anguish will diminish this anguish that's built on trying to make things the way they aren't, in any possible way we can. So it turns this wheel around, turns the wheel around. So understanding the anguish, understanding how it is that we feel this way, and we all do, and seeing that we created ourselves, we created ourselves by trying to We take care of ourselves, actually.

[25:52]

We go the wrong way and create more and more. There's a Shantideva, who's an eighth-century Buddhist teacher who wrote something called Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, has a poem one of the verses where he says, he realizes that he's trying to put his efforts into holding on to friends and family and then he comes to this realization with this verse which is all those that are not dear to me will not be. All those who are dear to me will not be, and I will not be, and all will not be.

[26:55]

So, foe or friend, ourselves and everything is changing and transient and cannot be held onto. So how do we practice and how do we take care of each other, ourselves and each other, in a world of impermanence, with this ever-flowing, where there's nothing to rely on in this permanent way? And there's a meditation where the sentence is, since death is certain. time of death is uncertain what should I do or how should I practice or what's my practice then or how do I live since death alone is certain and the time of death is uncertain how do I live what should I do

[28:14]

Some of you may know of this, I think it's a year long, it's a practice, if this were the last year of my life and people live in that way, take it on as a practice. I think it's through Stephen Levine, maybe some of you are doing it. What would I do? Who would I ask forgiveness from? Who would I want to clear things up with? What might I want to let go of in my life? this were my last year. Since death alone is certain, the time of death is uncertain, how should I live? What should I do? I was rereading this biography of Suzuki Roshi because Suzuki Roshi lived here for the last years of his life and died at San Francisco Zen Center.

[29:21]

And his teachings that he embodied at the time of death are still reverberating, I think, with people who were there at that time. I was there that last year. I was a new student and moved into San Francisco Zen Center January 1st, 1971, and he died December 4th, 1971. So it was almost a full year, and the year he was declining. He was ill. Wow. So I wanted to read, since death alone is certain and the time of death is uncertain, this is when Suzuki Roshi received... the diagnosis. They thought he had hepatitis, but then he wasn't getting better and he was diagnosed with cancer. And so since death alone is certain, and he was certain about that, but the time was not certain, how should I live?

[30:28]

And what he did was he called together his disciples that were present in the Bay Area, I guess, at the time. And they were supposed to wear their robes. They came into his room. He was in bed. And he had a tape recorder. And the tape recorder was for Zentatsu Baker, who was in Japan at the time and was his disciple and successor. And he had a tape recorder. So this is, I haven't heard this tape, but it's on tape. And he basically... told them in a very thoughtful way, and all together, so you don't hear it from your friend, you hear it from your teacher. As you know, my doctor thought I had hepatitis, but my symptoms didn't change for such a long time, so he thought it might not be hepatitis, maybe cancer.

[31:32]

So I went into Mount Zion Hospital again three days ago, and they checked me out, and the doctors discussed my illness. The day before yesterday, my doctor came and told me, you have cancer. And he explained exactly what is happening. So now I am telling you. And then he says, I myself selfishly feel good. But on the other hand, I am very sorry for you. But I think Buddha will take care of everything. So I won't worry too much. How long I'll live, I don't know. No one knows exactly. No one knows actually. I asked the doctor. Two years at most, he said. I'm not so sure about it, so I want you to be prepared. I think I can live one more year for sure. I feel that way. I don't feel so discouraged or weak. So maybe I want you to allow me to be a lazy monk. That's all. I shall be a very bad example.

[32:35]

But, laughing, instead, you should be a good example, okay? That's all that I wanted you to do to prepare. Most things you can decide among yourselves. If necessary, I can join your discussions. Physically, I get tired quite easily. Thank you very much. So this is on tape, letting, and then he spoke into, he asked people, I want you to stay around. And then he spoke into the tape to Richard, You shouldn't feel you have to do exactly as I do. You're free to develop your way as people want you to do. That's the bodhisattva idea. So he didn't know when, and that was all right, but he began to, what should I do? Death is inevitable, but we don't know when. How should I practice? What should I do? And he began taking care of these unfinished, tying up loose ends.

[33:37]

And there was a doctor, Dr. Nicky Stunkard, who wasn't his doctor but was a practitioner, and he wanted him to have a second opinion and go here and there, and Suzuki Roshi basically said, you know, no. And later, Dr. Stunkard felt that was best, that he didn't have, you know, he was too far along in his illness, and it would have just prolonged his pain and so forth. Suzuki Roshi said to him, so many of these young people are afraid of dying. I can show them that you don't need to be afraid of dying. It's a wonderful teaching opportunity. And Dr. Stunkard, Mickey Stunkard said, I wish you were doing some other kind of teaching. And Suzuki Roshi said, yes, I don't want to die. I don't know what it's going to be like when I die. Nobody knows what that's going to be like. But when I die, I'll still be a Buddha.

[34:43]

I may be a Buddha in agony or I may be a Buddha in bliss, but I'll die knowing that this is how it is. So, you know, just reading that, oh, we don't want to die. Pretty much almost everybody doesn't want to die. And yet, and yet, our death is certain. The time of death is uncertain. What is our practice? how do we live? And also, you know, I think we sometimes have fantasies about a good death, you know, may it be like this, quick, in my sleep, no pain, this, that, and the other. And this thing he said, it may be agony or ecstasy, may be the agony or bliss, whatever it is, that's

[35:44]

awakened life. That's Buddha. That's the awakened one. Whatever it manifests. And the confidence there, you know, all dying that this is how it is. And also some curiosity about what it was. So this particular meditation, to try it, to try in a quiet time, to say to ourselves, since death alone is certain, and feel what that feels like if we allow it, and the time of death is uncertain, what will I do? What is my practice? Allow that as a meditation, you might want to try that, and see what comes up, and see what it feels like in the body, because We all know this intellectually.

[36:48]

This is not news, right? But have we allowed it to sink in, sink in? And... As I said before, what we may find is that it's not a morbid, doesn't become a morbid, depressing meditation. I don't want to... tell the ending for you, you know, about this meditation. I want each person to try it and see, but to not be afraid to try it. There may be something very new that arises. And this countering somehow, this deep, deep embedded feeling that, you know, not me or I got time. You know, I'm only da-da-da, so I probably got about da-da-da left, you know.

[37:54]

The time of death is uncertain. To feel that, allow ourselves to feel that, and then answer that question. How do I live? I wanted to read... another Suzuki Roshi, you know this Katagiri Roshi story that I told, there's another Katagiri Roshi story, so he, with this group of people, spoke truly to them, you're all gonna die. And this, after Suzuki Roshi, at the end of his, that year, he performed passing on to his successor the responsibility of the abbotship of San Francisco Zen Center.

[38:57]

And he was very, very sick for this ceremony. I was in the room. It was incredibly powerful as Suzuki Roshi walked into the room. He was noticeably very ill, and he went through the ceremony, did his bows with people helping him up and down. and clanking his staff with the little rings on the top, clunk, clunk, and walking. And as he left the Buddha hall, after the ceremony was completed, he stopped and he kind of, with his ring staff, like this ring staff that Jesus has, he rolled it in his hand and it jingled. And he turned and looked at people and rolled the staff. And then after, he went up into his room, and he had his disciples there, and Katagiri Roshi was there, and he was a very breathy voice. Suzuki Roshi thanked people, and he thanked Katagiri Roshi, whom he had worked very closely with for years at establishing San Francisco Zen Center.

[40:06]

He never really, they had just worked side by side. He never really thanked him. And he thanked him for all you've done, for which I am so grateful. to Katagiri Roshi. And I'll just read this. All of a sudden, a howl arose. It was Katagiri Roshi who crawled towards Suzuki Roshi, crying out, don't die, don't die. Sobbing, he hugged frail Suzuki Roshi, who said in a soft rasp, daejobu, daejobu, it's all right, it's all right. So there's no way, you know, you're all going to die. And don't die. This is our human life. There's no right way to engage with the truth of how things are.

[41:10]

In our attachment, flowers, blossoms, fall. And in our non-attachment, we'd spread that this is our human life. So in this afternoon's workshop, we'll be really looking at how, what, not necessarily that this is our last year, although it may be, it may be our last day, but since death is certain and the time of death is uncertain, how do we live? And one way is to take good care of our life and put it in order so that, and let our wishes be known how, what do we want?

[42:21]

What kind of care do we want if we're now able to speak? Can we let other people know so that they can be in alignment with our deepest wishes? There's traditions of taking good care of material possessions so that others don't have the burden, really, of trying to figure out and guess. And Suzuki Roshi also, at the end of his life, You know, he was worried about certain disciples that they'd be taking good care of. He asked his son, Huitzu, be sure and give Dharma transmission to someone in particular. Don't forget, please. What about this one? He was tying up all the loose ends, taking good care of people, letting his wishes be known. Also, I was reading in the old... monastery guidelines about how to, and also for the Buddha, not just Chinese monasteries and Japanese monasteries, but back in the Buddha's time there were various ways laid out of dispersing of material goods of the monks and nuns who passed away.

[43:38]

These are times that are like chakras, you know, where families, there can be great, great difficulties around when these things are not clear and families have broken up over these, you probably have stories of your own. Or, he wanted this to happen. No, he didn't. Well, he didn't say, and I know, and da-da-da. So this is a chance to say what's important to you and to help compassionately those those who will be left to take care of the details. So these practices are meant not as

[44:46]

depressing, morbid activities. The opposite is true. This will be, I think, relief. There will be relief, release, and joy. And in this odd way, or I should say paradoxical way, when we face these difficulties in our life, there's a joy that arises, even in the midst of, or can arise in the midst of old age sickness and death. and humor and a liveliness that, because when we don't face the way things are and the difficult emotions and fears, it's not just those that get pushed away, but all our liveliness and our joy also gets pushed away and pushed down. So when the so-called difficult emotions, there's so much life there that's being squelched and sat upon, that when we take care of that, there's a release of a full-bodied living and aliveness and vitality.

[45:59]

And I think many of you who have done hospice work or been with people who are sick and their life, even in the midst of their illness, expresses joy and love and kindness and appreciation and not taking for granted. So there's a strength there in this work. willingness to do this work and I this isn't an afterthought actually all the way through this talk is our zazen practice our meditation sitting practice will help us to stay with the way things are the way without trying to change things according to our preference or judging good or bad to just allow life to come forward

[47:16]

The way it is, just the way it is, we have a chance to experience that, not just in meditation on death, but in our mindfulness practice, in our taking care and attention to our life. So... So this meditation on death is a meditation on appreciating life, really. Appreciating, not taking for granted each person, each day, each moment. So I wanted to end with a poem that I love by Mary Oliver. And, you know, when Suzuki or she said, I'm kind of curious about What this is, you know, he didn't know either.

[48:17]

It reminded me of this poem called When Death Comes. Some of you may know it. When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn. When death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me and snaps the purse shut. When death comes like the measles pox. when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades. I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness. And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood. And I look upon time as no more than an idea. And I consider eternity as another possibility. And I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular.

[49:23]

And each name, a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence. And each body, a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth. When it's over, I want to say, all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom taking the world into my arms. When it is over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular and real. I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened or full of argument. I don't want to end up simply having visited this world. Thank you very much.

[50:23]

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