This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So here I am again, sitting on this platform and rather wondering what I'm doing here. I have to say I'm not overly excited about giving this talk. Actually I would say that was an understatement. You can get really caught up in words. The first noble truth uses the word suffering. You could use the word disappointment. You could use whatever you want but the essence is the same. It's the truth of what is. And I find it

[01:01]

comforting to realize that there is a way out of suffering and disappointment. And that the way out of suffering and disappointment is to study the self. And that ultimately is what all of us in this room are doing. Those of you that have been doing this work for, I don't know, 40 or 50 years, and if there's anyone in the room who has just walked into Zen Center tonight, The reason that you're here is to study the self. And maybe you know it, and maybe you don't. But it is. So the first noble truth, life is suffering. And it's a statement of fact. There is suffering. There is suffering in the world. And the Pali word for suffering is dukkha. Might be a word that some of you are familiar with. So, if suffering... kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, you could use the word dukkha.

[02:04]

And I'll go back and forth during this talk using the word suffering, using the word dukkha, using the word disappointment, just to kind of cover all the bases. So suffering is a human condition. It's something that we all share. So the reality of the first noble truth is a great leveler. I suffer, you suffer. We suffer, they suffer. Everyone suffers. And because everyone suffers, or everyone experiences disappointment, there's always a way that we can connect. And in some ways, this goes back to my mediator roots here, because so much about mediation is figuring out how to get people to see the humanity in each other, how to get people to connect. And so often when we're disconnected, we're not seeing the humanity in anyone. But if we can find something that we share, then it's much easier to connect. So that's why I really kind of seize this idea that suffering is a human condition.

[03:13]

We all suffer, and if we all suffer, then we can all connect. The thing about connecting through suffering is the step, the big step. is that you need to be vulnerable. And I actually think that that's probably the hardest step. The hardest step is to be truly vulnerable. And I think that what happened to me earlier when I was in my small practice period tea group is that the vulnerability and the fear of doing this talk was just too great for me. Like the responsibility was too great for me. It was kind of what we say in the Shusso entering ceremony. It was too great for me, the thought of giving this talk. And so... I just kind of couldn't hold it together anymore, and I just kind of, and the tears came, and the support that I felt from the people in my small group, the kind of the love and the care, it was so, I could just feel it, and I felt really kind of, really held by it, really taken by it, and realized that really this talk's not about me.

[04:18]

It's about what's being asked of me. So I'm really grateful for that moment earlier in my small group where I was able to just kind of let down for a moment and let the tears fall because I feel like it enabled me to kind of drop into this place of true vulnerability. And I think it's hard to be a vulnerable human being. I think it requires a great deal of courage to be really vulnerable. And tears are an expression of vulnerability for some people, not for everyone, but for me they certainly are. So I was suffering earlier. I was suffering with the resistance of giving this talk. I didn't want to. I wanted to do a good job, but I didn't know how to. All of those thoughts. And even though I know not to believe my thoughts, they were just too compelling today. So going back to connection, so vulnerability. So if we all suffer, if we all experience suffering, we experience disappointment, we experience dukkha.

[05:22]

there's a way that we can connect. And I think that's a really important thing to remember. It's important thing for me to remember in my life. And that vulnerability is kind of like the support to the ability to connect in suffering. So a very vivid kind of memory anecdote that happened to me the other day was you've probably all noticed how much suffering there is on the streets of San Francisco and in the East Bay. It's just everywhere. And particularly around here, I don't know quite what's going on around here. Maybe people come here because it's a safe place. Maybe people come here like they come to churches to seek refuge. But the other night I was coming home and it's been so wet and cold. And there was someone sleeping on the sidewalk out back of the building. Just, you know, kind of sprawled on the sidewalk. Maybe drunk or on drugs. I don't know. And I... I kind of didn't know what to do. I didn't want to walk past because I really feel like not ignoring suffering is very important to me.

[06:28]

So I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do to help. I didn't know what would be helpful in that moment. And I didn't know whether kind of stopping and bearing witness was good enough. I didn't really feel good enough in that moment. And so I struggle a lot with... how to deal with the suffering that I see on the streets of the Bay Area. Because you can't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it. And yet I'm not quite sure what the appropriate action is. And it's something that I'm kind of turning at the moment. What is the appropriate action to do when you see someone sprawled on the street and no one's helping them? When do we step in and help them? What should we do? I don't know, I don't know, but I'm trying to figure out what to do. So yes, it's the reflection of life. We should try to understand rather than to deny it or ignore it and pretend it's not happening.

[07:35]

It feels very important to really bear witness to the suffering. And this insight is simply the acknowledgement that there is suffering. There is dukkha. There is disappointment. Without making it personal and without judging it, just letting it be, it is true. It is here. I might not like it. I might not embrace it, but it's true. The life of suffering is true. So, I guess when I first had a moment of insight about this first noble truth, I was reading Every Day's End by Charlotte Joko Beck, which is the book that... struck me. I think a lot of us have like a book that kind of said what we needed to hear in a moment, often a moment where we're kind of grasping for some comfort. And for some reason I came across Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck. And at the time, it's a long time ago now, I was in a lot of pain and my relationship was ending and I felt overwhelmed with feelings that I couldn't control.

[08:41]

And it was just I was trying to make sense of all these feelings that I had and I just couldn't make sense of any of them. And this book came to me and it made so much sense, the reality of life is suffering. And I deeply understood that the reality of suffering and the end to suffering is true and that for me it was such a relief. It was like, oh, wow, really? So there's suffering but there's an end to it? That is so comforting. I don't have to be trying to make myself feel better, actually. Trying to pretend that I'm not feeling this way, trying to deny that I'm unhappy or suffering, trying to pretend that it's okay. It's like I can actually suffer openly because there's an end to it. Like, yeah, I'm all about that. And I read that book. cover, to cover, to cover. And every single page of that book felt like it came alive for me.

[09:45]

And it was in that moment when I read the Four Noble Truths and I knew them somehow to be true. I knew that Buddhism had something to teach me. I knew that I had to figure out these teachings. I had to understand more about these teachings. And that is how I came to Zen Center and how over time, I have come to have an irreversible confidence in the Dharma. And that is a sentence that I heard many years ago from a wonderful Tibetan teacher called Khandro Rinpoche. And that's a sentence that she uses a lot. And it just struck me. It struck me as true. It struck me as true as the first noble truth, life is suffering. So there was this kind of connection that happened for me between life is suffering and And if I have an irreversible confidence in the Dharma, I'll be okay. Like if the Dharma is my north star, the place I always go back to, my platform from which everything else goes out, then things will be okay.

[10:54]

Even if they don't feel okay in the moment, ultimately, things will be okay. It's taking refuge in Dharma, I guess is what I'm saying. It's like I knew that I had to take refuge in Dharma. But if I took refuge in Dharma, life would be okay, whatever okay means. So the second noble truth, the second noble truth is the cause of suffering is grasping. So the origin of dukkha is attachment. In other words, the grasping to desire. And it's the grasping of the desire that's the suffering. Desire itself does not cause any suffering. The cause of suffering is the grasping of desire. It took me a little bit longer to kind of grok that one. I get it now after all these years, but it took me a long while to figure out the cause of suffering is grasping to attachment.

[11:56]

So we want things to be a certain way. We all know this. We want things to be a certain way. So we become attached to them being that way. then in the next moment, we don't want things to be that way. We want them to be completely different, and we want to get rid of them. So then we become attached to aversion. And these are different aspects of desire. So how often do you say to yourself, if you're living here, you go into the kitchen for breakfast, and you look at the breakfast menu, you go, ah, not amaranth again. Or on a Friday you look at the menu and you see lemon meringue pie and you go, it's lemon meringue pie. Or you say, I don't want to feel this way. All day I've been saying to myself, I don't want to feel this resistance. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. Or if only I had more of this. If only I had more spare time. And if only I had less meetings, then everything would be fine. So all of these thoughts are different forms of grasping. They're either...

[12:59]

moving towards or moving away. And the thoughts in and of themselves are not the problem. It's the attachment to the thoughts. That's the problem. If the thoughts are just kind of like clouds that float in the sky, there's no problem. But it's when they actually land on us and we become like, I really need it to be lemon meringue pie for dinner on Friday. And if it's not, I'm going to be really upset. Only kidding, Kujaku. Well, I have been wondering what happened to that lemon meringue pie. We were supposed to happen. So, yes. And it's important to use the reflective mind when we experience suffering. It's important to kind of turn that dharma, to consider the implications of being attached to desire without judging our experience. Just letting it be so. And meditation really helps with this. And, of course, living in sangha really helps with the meditation aspect of it. Because when you need to go to the Zendo with 60 other people, and if you don't, there will be a consequence, then it's very easy to be able to sit in meditation in silence and really reflect on the reality of life is suffering and also the reality of attachment and grasping is the root of suffering.

[14:20]

So the reflective mind is a really wonderful place where we can create the space to consider our thoughts. It creates a space to see our attachment and our desire as hindrances. And perhaps once we can see that our attachments are in fact hindrances, maybe we can actually stop believing our thoughts. As Reb Anderson said to me many years ago, don't believe your thoughts. And that has been a great teaching for me. And it doesn't mean that I don't believe my thoughts. What it means is that sometimes I can like have a teensy little bit of space between the thought and believing it and it's like in that moment I think that's I think that tiny little insy bit is where enlightenment is possible not that I necessarily believe that enlightenment is possible either but there is that moment where it could be a possibility so I can see that my own attachment to outcomes desire aversion etc causes me suffering and I haven't yet figured out how to be free of disappointment and

[15:29]

And I think part of being human is being disappointed. But I also think that part of being human is coming back from disappointment and knowing that it will change. That disappointment can change in a moment to rejoicing or to ease or to happiness. So this leads to the third noble truth. There is an end to suffering. Isn't that great? There is an end to suffering. Sometimes it doesn't always feel like that. I think when we're deeply suffering, it really doesn't necessarily feel like there's an end to it. It can feel like a bottomless pit. But the truth is that there is an end to suffering. And the truth of impermanence is the end of suffering. The reality that everything is always changing. Even when things feel like they're not, they are. So the truth of impermanence comes with reflection. if we sit for long enough. We can start seeing through our stories and we can start beginning not to believe our stories and we can start beginning to change our thoughts.

[16:36]

And you can't make yourself believe or realize an insight. You can't make yourself realize an insight as a willful act. It takes time and practice. It takes just sitting with the self and it takes turning the light and shining it inwards. as the sutra says. And turning the light and shining it inwards and being able to see over time the reality of impermanence. And it's through this contemplation and meditation that we come to see these insights, the insight that attachment to desire causes suffering. It is so. And it's also really helpful to have a flexible mind during this time of inquiry. Inquiry, inquiry. It helps us to be able to... Blank page. Raven, what happened? My notes. There it is. It helps us to be able to see how everything changes.

[17:40]

There was a blank piece of paper and now there's words. That's the reality of impermanence right there. How in one moment I can feel panic, like panic and desperation today because I'm telling myself... I don't have time to prepare for this talk and then something lets go and I find that I can at least have a little bit of space and a moment to have faith that the talk will happen whether I have time to prepare for it or not. Although I did earlier on think that what if I signed out on the Tenkin pad? Or like pass the baton to Jamie Howell who was here earlier, you know, like, hey, you do the talk because I'm out of here. I did wonder what would happen if I did that. What would have happened? Full shrugs. Probably nothing, right? When I had that thought, it gave me such relief. I'm like, oh, I could do that. I could actually do that.

[18:40]

I could actually sign out on the Tenkin pad. Just say, I need rest. Which would have been true. So the mind that reflects and considers these four noble truths is the wisdom mind. It's the mind that knows the truth of impermanence. The reality of impermanence is the essence of the third noble truth, that there is an end to suffering. And in the next five minutes, I'm going to cover the fourth noble truth. I seem to be doing pretty well on my time so far. So the fourth noble truth is the Eightfold Path. And I'm going to read the Eightfold Path. right understanding, right intention or aspiration, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. And I think of the Eightfold Path as a roadmap, as a guideline.

[19:42]

It helps me take responsibility for what I do and how I say things and how I act. And it also enables me to see the importance and the impact of my actions and my reactions. And it also means I can hold myself accountable to the standards set by the Eightfold Path. And the eight admonitions, they help us live our lives according to what we hold to be true to the rightness of the Buddha's teachings, which is, after all, why we're all here. So they don't appear in any particular order. I happen to read them in that order because that's how they were written in the book. And I think it's because the first two are wisdom teachings and the next one. There are three different categories within the eight and I can't remember off the top of my head what they are. But they're not going to appear in any particular order in your life. On any given day, you might be turning one of them more than the other. You might find yourself drawn towards one of the admonitions and maybe away from one of the others.

[20:49]

In your life, as you come to understand them, you'll move between all of them. So right understanding. This is just my interpretation of the Eightfold Path for me. This is the gut instinct that comes from contemplating the previous three noble truths. Again, for me it goes back to Khandro Rinpoche's words, irreversible confidence in the Dharma. Right understanding, just knowing that this is true. This is right understanding. This is true. This is it. It's truly knowing. And doubt no longer exists. I have no doubt about the teachings of the Buddha. No doubt at all. Right aspiration or intention. I like to think of this as my value system. So what are my values and how do I live by them? Am I living by them? Am I living in accordance to my own self-imposed values?

[21:53]

And conversely, am I living in accordance to the Eight Noble Path? And it's very important to clarify to ourselves what is important to us in terms of how we live our life. And right intention is aspiring to our own inner truth. Right speech Speech is taking responsibility for our speech. If our speech causes harm, being willing to make amends. If our speech is skillful, keeping in mind that the next moment it may not be so. And I'm so aware of this particular admonition, being a mediator and spending many years studying communication and having a story that I'm a great communicator and then I'm not. And then the suffering that comes with not being a great communicator and realizing like, oh yeah, We're never what we think we are for very long. We're always going to fall off the teaching seat straight back to being our own human selves.

[22:56]

So keeping in mind, write speech, that if our speech is skillful in the next moment, it won't be. And then what are we going to do about that? Are we going to make amends? Are we going to go back and take responsibility if we've hurt somebody or if we've made a mistake? So being really aware of the impact of our words. Words are very, very powerful. And it's very difficult to take words back after they've been said. Right action. It's important to be responsible for what we do and say. When we act from a place of mindfulness and wisdom, rather than from out of ignorance, this is skillful means. In other words, doing something without expecting anything in return. And ultimately, right action, for me, means being kind. Right livelihood. Right livelihood comes from reflecting on how you want to live your life. Is your livelihood in accord with your values and intentions? Are you earning your living in a way that harms others?

[23:59]

Clarity about this comes as you study the Eightfold Path and have time to reflect on how to not do harm and to do good. Right effort. In other words, things as they are. Trying to accept a situation as it is rather than trying to control it. It's a calm, insightful knowing and accepting. It's not up to us to make everything okay or to make ourselves or others feel better. It's not fatalistic either. Right effort is a kind of patience. It's allowing things to change naturally. Right mindfulness. being conscious in each moment, bringing our full selves forward and trying to be aware of our impact on the world, each other and ourselves. And I think we all know so much about mindfulness these days. It's such a buzzword in the Bay Area and I struggle internally with how it's being used.

[25:01]

I think ultimately mindfulness, when it comes to the Eightfold Path, is about truly looking inside, shining the light inwards and being really aware of how we're moving in the world. And last but not least, who knows what the last but not least is? Yep, right concentration. In other words, meditation. Meditation is a way of deconditioning the mind. It enables us to see through our fixed ideas and our stories. If we can create the smallest amount of space for something different to arise, we have the possibility of seeing through our suffering and disappointment. And it's those tiny little cracks that we can spend time reflecting on and that give us an opportunity to do things differently. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[26:14]

Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[26:34]

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