I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Good morning, Sangha, both here in the conference center, our sindal for this week, and those online. My name is Tova Green. My pronouns, she, her. For those who don't know me, I'm a resident priest here at the city center. And my dharma name is Jison Myocho, which means mountain of compassion. wondrous listening. I want to thank our abbot, David Zimmerman, for inviting me and my Dharma brothers, Eli Brown-Stevenson and Timothy Elix, to co-lead this practice period.

[01:39]

It has been a journey and a joy. The title of my talk today is Everything changes. And that's a line from a very, very short poem by Jane Hirschfield. Everything changes. Everything is connected. Pay attention. What she says is the gist of Zen practice. Everything changes. Everything is connected. pay attention. So I also want to just mention that a dear friend and mentor of mine, Alan Sanaki, has had a change of condition. He and his family just went on to hospice after a year-long illness, probably longer than that, but he's had many...

[02:47]

ups and downs this year. Allen is the Abbott of Berkley Zen Center. And I'd like to dedicate my talk to the well-being of Allen and his family. So what I will be talking about this morning is just referring to the annual Suzuki Roshi Memorial that we shared Many of us shared, probably not everybody in the room or online, but many of us shared this morning. And then I want to talk about some of the challenges that come up in our sitting practice and how we might meet them. And then I'm also going to talk about the early life of the Buddha because we'll be celebrating Buddha's enlightenment in a few days and just to plant some seeds. And I'll end by coming back to some of Suzuki Roshi's words.

[03:52]

So this morning, and first of all, I want to apologize to Suzuki Roshi and all of you for forgetting to wear my ceremonial white kimono and footwear this morning. We wear those. if we have them, as songs of respect. And I realized too late that I had forgotten them. So my apologies. So this morning we made offerings, expressed our gratitude, chanted. And this morning was... Significant, it's our second day of Sushin, but Suzuki Roshi died the first day of Rohatsu Sushin in 1971.

[04:58]

And I went back to Crooked Cucumber, the biography of Suzuki Roshi, to learn what actually happened. And this story may be familiar to some of you, but I want to share it because... of the details and how it brings to mind Suzuki Roshi's ability to face what was happening with the presence he could muster. So his last days, Suzuki Roshi was tended to mostly, there were a number of Zen students, but also by his wife, Okasan, and his son, Otokiro. And this is what David Chadwick wrote in Crooked Cucumber.

[06:05]

Okasan went, so this is the morning of the fort that night, Suzuki Roshi was very weak and could barely speak, but he asked Oto Hiro to help him bathe, and he bathed, and Oka-san brought him some orange juice, and then he went to sleep, and he said to them, don't wake me in the morning. He was very weak. He was sleeping a lot. So Okasan went back to her futan and Oto Hiro lay down next to his father in the bed. Before long it was four and he heard the wake-up bell, a hand bell, run through the halls to get people up for Zazen. It was not just any day Zazen, but December 4th, the first day of a five-day Sashin that would culminate on Buddha's Enlightenment Day.

[07:11]

the 8th of December. Over a hundred people were participating. Otohiro could hear people opening and closing doors carefully, running water in the bathroom across the hall. Then came the sharp sound of the wooden han being hit, indicating that the new abbot, Sentatsu Baker Roshi, as Suzuki said to call him, was on his way to offer incense at various altars. The last altar was the one in the zendo, where he would open the sishin and begin the first period of sazen. The sound of a bell could be heard faintly coming from the distant zendo. Otohiro felt his father move slightly. Suzuki's hand reached over and clutched his arm. Get baker, came a thin whisper. Otohiro jumped out of bed and ran into the tatami room.

[08:14]

Mother, something's happening with father, he said to get Baker. Without a word, Okasan leapt up and went quickly down to the zendo. Richard had just sat down on his cushion and straightened his robes when Okasan opened the side door. She saw a student in the space nearest her and asked him to get zentatsu, she whispered. Richard took long strides to the Zendo door and then dashed up the stairway to Suzuki's room. Okasan and Otohiro left Suzuki alone with Richard. He was still conscious, and with the last strength of his life, he just barely reached his hand out to his beloved disciple. Half-sitting, half-kneeling by the bed, Richard held his hand and touched his forehead to Suzuki's.

[09:17]

They rested that way for a few moments. Then Richard felt the man most dear to him slip away, let go of his life. Slowly, Shinryu Suzuki Roshi faded away, so gently that Richard could not tell when he died. He just knew it had happened. Richard let go of Suzuki's hand. He waited a moment and felt for a pulse. Then he went outside to Okasan and Otopiro. Richard had his hand on his heart. He spoke in Japanese, his voice cracking as he told them, Suzuki Roshi's life has ended. So although Suzuki Roshi's life ended, His teachings live on and have inspired, I would say, probably all of us in this room.

[10:19]

And I also just had the sense, you know, our sushin here is very intimate and I feel the space holds us so well. And I also am aware that throughout this country there are many sanghas, like this one, sitting this week, as well as sanghas in Canada, Mexico, and elsewhere, and that Suzuki Roshi's teachings have spread so widely. So he, in that sense, lives on. And this reminded me of the five remembrances of teaching of the Buddha, translated, I'm going to read them, translated by Thich Nhat Hanh, because they are the same, they weave into the story of the Buddha and his awakening.

[11:38]

And to me, as someone who's aging, I really take these to heart. I'm very reassuring. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

[12:43]

And we remember each other. We remember Suzuki Roshi by his actions and his words, which encourage us to this day. So I want to talk now about some of the challenges that may arise during these days of sitting that could be challenging physical sensations, emotions. thoughts. And it was interesting, I was looking at Suzuki Roshi's teachings in Not Always So, and appreciated all the words that Tim offered yesterday about Suzuki Roshi's teachings on Sazen in Not Always So. He also talked about zazen, and he said, we practice zazen like someone close to dying.

[13:51]

There is nothing to rely on, nothing to depend on. Because you are dying, you don't want anything, so you cannot be fooled by anything. I imagine that he gave that talk maybe in the last year of his life. I mean, he had an intimation that he was very ill and maybe that he was dying. But I think he meant that universally because we never know when we're going to die. And there's a phrase, practice like your head is on fire. So just that kind of dedication, dedicated focus in Zazen, which I think we can experience more when we sit for a whole day and then for five days, you know, so the preciousness of each moment.

[14:53]

So when challenging physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts arise, we may try to ignore them, or we may get totally backed up in them, either trying to ignore them in various ways sometimes by using, by noticing our minds maybe planning something like what we might be having for lunch or what we might be doing after sashim. And when I have those thoughts, I try to say them not now you know this isn't the time i can um sometimes musing over something i did or said that was unskillful also saying um can i let can i let that thought go can i accept and whatever happened and move on and can those thoughts be noticed without

[16:16]

kind of chewed over again and again. And turning towards a physical sensation, noticing, is it pleasant, unpleasant, neutral? What exactly do you notice? How does it change? And I would encourage you, if your feet are falling asleep or your knee pain is increasing, I feel you could sit in breast position. I don't have to power through it and possibly injure yourself. Then emotions such as fear, anger, or grief that I may not have been aware of or you may not have been aware of can arise when we're settled and still. It can help to notice them, turn toward them, explore them, and then see how they change so we're not overwhelmed by them.

[17:27]

And perhaps you may find it would be helpful to talk with a teacher during this time and have a practice discussion. Or you may prefer to sit with the feelings, yet sometimes sharing them with someone who can listen deeply can be helpful. So I'm going to now transition to talking about the early life of the Buddha and some of the things that foreshadow his enlightenment. which we will celebrate on Saturday. So I looked at a number of accounts of the life of the Buddha, and this time found it very compelling to study Karen Armstrong's book simply called Buddha.

[18:38]

She says, Understanding the Buddha's life which to an extent is fused with his teaching, can help us all to understand the human predicament. And she says the story of Gautama, so before he became the Buddha, he was called Siddhartha Gautama. And so the story of Gautama has particular relevance for our own period. We too are living in a period of transition and change. as was North India during the sixth and fifth centuries BCE. Like the people of North India, we are finding that the traditional ways of experiencing the sacred and discovering an intimate meaning in our lives are either difficult or impossible. As a result, a void has been an essential part of the modern experience. I think that's why

[19:44]

Some of us turn towards meditation or practice, looking for something that's missing and thinking about the ox herding pictures that we've been exploring. That first picture of the ox herder wandering, looking, lost, uncertain. and then seeing the footsteps of the ox. Armstrong continues, like Potama, we are living in an age of political violence and have had terrifying glimpses of man's inhumanity to man, or people's inhumanity to people. In our society, too, there are widespread malaise, urban despair and anomie, And we are sometimes fearful of the new world order that is emerging.

[20:48]

And although she wrote this book a while ago, it seems to apply to our current situation. So, Siddhartha Gautama was born into a wealthy family, a worldly family. His father was someone who knew the rulers at that time. His family had a big home and all the material things a child could want. Although Siddhartha was five days after he was born his mother Maya died and he was raised by her sister Pajapati that surely had an impact on his life but mostly what she talks about is the experience of Siddhartha and his father

[22:13]

So when little Siddhartha was five days old, this is a story to tell the way Karen Armstrong told it. Some of you might know this story, but it foreshadowed what was going to happen in the life of the Buddha, Siddhartha. When little Siddhartha was five days old, His father, Sudodhana, invited a hundred Brahmins to a feast so that they could examine the baby's body for marks which would foretell his future. Eight of the Brahmins concluded that the child had a glorious future. He would either become a Buddha who achieved the supreme spiritual enlightenment or a universal king, a hero, a popular legend. who it was said would rule the whole world. One of the Brahmins, named Kondodhana, was convinced that the little siddhartha would never become a king.

[23:22]

Instead, he would renounce the comfortable life of the householder and become a Buddha who would overcome the ignorance and folly of the world. Sudodhana was not happy about this prophecy. He was determined that his son become a king. which seemed to him a much more desirable option than the life of a world-renouncing ascetic. Kododana had told him that one day Suddata would see four things, an old man, a sick person, a corpse, and a monk, which would convince him to leap home and go forth. Suddata, Suddata, Suddata, therefore, decided to shield his son from these disturbing sights. Guards were posted around the palace to keep all upsetting reality at bay, and the boy became a virtual prisoner, even though he lived in luxury and had an apparently happy life.

[24:29]

So... those prophecies... had a strong impact on Siddhartha's life. And even though he had all the material things his father could provide, he was not happy. And he mostly lived in this... in a way, unreal situation. But there was one early experience of freedom or a wider way of experiencing the world in his childhood. And that is a time that the Buddha later recalled this one moment that gave him

[25:39]

intimations of another way of being. And this is another story of the rose apple tree. So his father had taken Siddhartha to watch a ceremonial plowing of the next year's crop. This was an annual ceremony that brought together many of the people who farmed and many others. It was a beautiful day, a hot day, and Siddhartha left Siddhartha in the care of his nurses under the shade of a rose apple tree. And then the nurses decided to watch the ceremony and left Siddhartha by himself, lying under the tree. And in one version of the story, we're told that when he looked up At the field that was being plowed, he noticed that the young grass had been torn up and that insects and the eggs they had laid in these new shoots had been destroyed.

[26:51]

The little boy gazed at the carnage and felt a strange sorrow, as though it were his own relatives that had been killed. But it was a beautiful day, and a feeling of pure joy rose up in his heart. So we had both that sense of being connected to these beings that had been destroyed and a feeling of joy. And it's sometimes possible to experience both great loss and great joy, great appreciation for being alive. And Karen Armstrong's reflection about this story is that The child had been taken out of himself by a moment of spontaneous compassion when he had allowed the pain of creatures that had nothing to do with him personally to pierce him to the heart.

[27:54]

This surge of selfless empathy had brought him a moment of spiritual release. And the story goes on that instinctively, Siddhartha crossed his legs and sat upright under the rose apple tree and sat there for a long time until the nurses came back and then his father. And this experience has been said to have played a role in his later enlightenment. So there's another story about how Siddhartha was exposed to the four messengers and renounced normal domestic life. But I'm going to save that for my next talk on Buddha's Enlightenment Day because that leads to his search for a way to live his life that was more meaningful than life in his father's house.

[29:08]

So coming back to some words of Suzuki Roshi, and I'm coming close to the end of my talk for today, to encourage us as we go on sitting. I found this passage kind of delightful because I am studying a foreign language. I'm trying to learn Spanish. And this is what Suzuki Roshi said, practicing Zazen is like studying a foreign language. You cannot do it all of a sudden, but by repeating it over and over, you will master it. I think another way of saying that is by repeating it over and over, it will permeate us. I find, you know, studying Spanish sometimes, I find myself saying to myself, we're speaking a phrase in Spanish.

[30:13]

And I realize, oh, it's sinking in. It's sinking in. So that may happen as these days unfold. It's sinking into us. And I will end with a passage that I love in the chant that we do at noon service, the self-receiving and employing samadhi. The zazen of even one person at one moment imperceptibly accords with all things and fully resonates through all time. Thus, in the past, future, and present of the limitless universe, this zazen carries on the Buddha's teaching endlessly. Each moment of zazen is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of realization.

[31:15]

So I encourage us all to stay with that moment by moment, each moment of practice, no matter what the experience is, pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. And I hope that... found some of these words encouraging this morning. Thank you very much for your attention. Thank you. We, we, [...]

[32:29]

. .

[32:38]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_91.25