Got that part. I'd like to start by showing you a breathing technique that's used in some schools of Zen. Needless to say, you start in Zazen posture. You lengthen your spine. Saddle into your seat. So this is enlightenment in one exhale. Just... So what you do is you breathe in and then you breathe out. But you breathe out like this. You open your mouth. And then you breathe out very slowly. So you just let the air go as slowly as possible.

[01:04]

In the lore of Zen practice, there are actually many, as in Buddhist meditation, there's many breathing techniques. And, you know, as practitioners, you know, we ask ourselves, well, what's the point? What's the point of all these techniques? what's supposed to happen, what's supposed to not happen. What are we doing here? So I would say it's very helpful, you know, every day come back to something very basic. This is Zen practice. Don't forget something. Don't get distracted. to settle. And yet there's another part of our practice which is to settle completely into the moment.

[03:03]

So I'd like to discuss it in these terms. the relationship between the great matter of birth and death and the struggle for survival. And I'd like to cross-reference a tried and true Zen koan. You know the one where the monk taps the coffin and says, alive or dead? How many people know that? Okay, well, the rest of you are going to hear it pretty soon. It's kind of a classic Zen koan. It goes like this. Tai Wu and Chen Yan went to a house to make a condolence call.

[04:10]

Yan hit the coffin and said, alive or dead. Wu said, I won't say alive, I won't say dead. Yan said, why won't you say? Wu said, I won't say. Halfway back, as they were returning, Yan said, tell me right away, teacher. If you don't tell me, I'll hit you. Wu said, you can hit me, but I won't say. Yan hit him. Whiskey business. It's very hard to please your students. It's all. So we'll come back to that. So let me say, make a few comments, a few other references, and then we'll read that again and see what comes out for you.

[05:18]

You can think right now what comes out for you. What part of all that sort of holds your mind? If anything, I know it's late. That's why I thought we'd do this in the dining room so you could all comment and at least, uh, be a little bit more easy to stay awake. Towards the end of a poem that David White wrote, he's talking about getting in touch with that which is in us that knows. In contrast to that capacity we all have to forget what we know, that way of getting distracted of being too busy, too preoccupied. So he's talking about settling back, settling down, returning into something that knows.

[06:23]

This is the bright home where I live, this place of knowing. This is where I ask my friends to come. This is where I want to love all the things that it's taken me so long to learn to love. Okay. Now here's the punchline. This is the tempo of my adult aloneness. I belong to that aloneness as I belong to life. There is no house like the house of belonging. To aloneness and belonging And here's a similar comment from a Native American teacher. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you've studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when everything else falls away.

[07:28]

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in those empty moments. So why is it that we come here to practice awareness and then sometimes it seems like we do everything but that? What interjects itself? What urgency comes up? What's so compelling that this house of belonging, this place of settledness, where we can settle in and that self-criticism, that nagging sense of not-okayness, that sort of hard-to-get-at sense of this isn't quite it, this isn't quite enough, is just seen for itself.

[08:59]

It's just seen as another part of the play of mind and feelings, another part of the struggle for survival. The way in which we take desire, the product of this isn't quite it, this isn't quite enough. And somehow our quest for awakening makes a slight shift into grasping. Instead of moving into complete presence, just this is enough. Just this is completely itself. Just this is the house of adult aloneness.

[10:11]

And there is no house other than this house, and this house includes everyone and everything. So we make a slight shift to this isn't quite enough. And from this isn't quite enough we reach out to what might make it enough, what might fill it up, what might make it satisfying. And in a way, That desire becomes need. I have to have. I have to get a ride to Monterey on the time trip.

[11:18]

I have to get out of here. And then have to have becomes changed with a fear, well, maybe I won't get it. Maybe I won't get a trip to moderate. Maybe I won't be okay. Maybe I won't survive. And that fear can turn again. Who or what is blocking my survival? Who or what is blocking my happiness, my fulfillment? Surely such a person or such a thing deserves our hostility for such an egregious crime.

[12:24]

So we push against and we hold back from. And we come upon some kind of separation. And we wonder, am I going to be okay? Am I ever going to get what I want, what I need? So zazen, whatever technique we use, whatever process, whatever posture we sit in, is about settling into now. It's about opening up the doors and the windows. It's about free passage in and out of the haisa belonging.

[13:37]

It's about bearing witness to the stories, to the aggressions, to the fears behind the aggressions, to the needs behind the fears, to the yearning behind the needs. Some willingness to just stay here. Just stay here. Start to see that the stories of survival, plausible, ingenious as they are, They're not the real issue.

[14:43]

The real issue is the great matter of birth and death. So that's to set the stage for this card, okay? So now listen to this card. See what phrase, what image, what sentence, what response catches your imagination. What part of this resonates with your life? You know, as I've said many times, the point of a koan is normally we have our mindset, we have our stories rambling through us. Who we are, what our life is, what we're afraid of, what we hate, what we love, what Zen is, what Zen isn't. And, of course, even more wonderful and ingenious stories about other people.

[15:48]

Because all the bad stuff's their fault. We all know that. They're doing this to us. So setting all that aside and hearing this like you've never heard it before, and what part of it resonates Tao Wu and Chen Yan went to a house to make a condolence call where someone had died Yan hit the coffin and said dead or alive what's he getting at dead or alive Wu said, I won't say alive, and I won't say dead. But he's supposed to be a Zen teacher.

[16:56]

Isn't he supposed to be able to comment on that sort of stuff? Yun said, well, why would you say? See, this guy doesn't give up very easily. I won't say. Halfway back, as they were returning, the student said again, tell me right away, teacher. And if you don't tell me, I'll hit you. So getting to the bottom of things goes beyond niceties. You know, it goes beyond just being good. Who said, you may hit me, but I won't say.

[17:58]

Sometimes when we follow the truth, when we stay close, um, The consequences aren't always that pleasant. It's just how it is sometimes. So we hit him, true to his word. Sometimes we... He follows something to the finish. It's like... Like when you really screw up, when you follow something to the finish and you really screw up, then it's like you have no choice but to take responsibility. Sometimes we kind of hesitate, try to hedge our bets. Maybe I won't hit him. Maybe I'll just say I'll hit him, but then I won't. Just do it.

[19:03]

If you're going to get it wrong, really get it wrong. Do what you do. It's like when you hit the horn, hit it loud. And if you hit it wrong, make a loud mistake for everybody to hear. Doesn't evoke any question. Did you hit the right horn at the right time? No, I really didn't. I got it. I really got it wrong. Completely wrong. Yeah. Ka Wu and Chang Yan went to the house to make condolence calls. Yang hit the coffin. Alive or dead? I won't say alive. I won't say dead. Why won't you say? I won't say. Halfway back, As they were returning, he said, tell me right now.

[20:08]

If you don't tell me, I'll hit you. You can hit me, but I won't say. He hit him. So there you go. A famous sense story. So what sticks in your mind? What part of all that says something about you being here In this valley, in the Los Padres forest. A little bit after the summer solstice. So? Isn't this a big fucking waste of time? Isn't what? All of this. All of what? You sipping water. But I'm thirsty. But I don't want to watch you sip water. Is there something beyond wanting and not wanting?

[21:17]

I don't know. Does that not know open up or close down the moment? It gets scary at that point. Then what? Breathe. Okay, thank you. Please try. I have that question, why forget it? I think it's a sense of urgency, I mean. Do you? And? And, uh... And then what do you do with it?

[22:23]

What does it do with you? Like, it starts me off with less of a... More... What that fairly means. You know, it means to get a lot of it. What does it mean to be alive? So what have you found out so far? Finally, we're doing it.

[23:41]

Except that I ended up coming to Brooklyn with Gary as my father. Sometimes it feels like we have to learn to tolerate how much it hurts. Just stay close. Just that. Can we tolerate staying close?

[24:46]

Can we start to make contact? Just stay here and feel what's going on. It's what? It's what I want more than anything. Okay, thank you. So what do you say, Xu Song? Tiny drop of sweat trickling down that right cochlea. Hmm. Yes. I mean... What is this experience that's called my right armpit?

[26:01]

Does it own you or do you own it? No, there's no ownership involved. Does it bring the world to life or does it dead man? It's alive. A lie. Call it a lie. I call it a lie. And yet, Fancy Pants here says, I won't say. It's just supposed to be a memorial service. Well, sometimes they're relentless, you know. They don't let up. They just make a condolence call. They're like, hey, come on, come on. And we're dead, huh? Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see. There's sometimes when we should practice and then sometimes when we shouldn't. Like I say, we love this. Kind of a big deal, it seems like.

[27:07]

I think he was joking. You think he was joking? Yeah, I think he was joking. Which one of them? Oh, he was joking. Okay. For sure. I see. I see. He thought he was onto something. So he was just kidding around. Yeah, pretty obvious, huh? The guy's dead. That's why we're here. Yeah.

[28:08]

And yet sometimes, you know, sometimes we address the obvious and just watch the world crack open. You know, sometimes we just We address the obvious and then the house of cards of all the assumptions that we've made about what's important about life, about what has to happen, about what's good and what's bad cracks open. Yeah, maybe sometimes we come at it in jest. don't quite realize what we're getting into. Thank you. Something to believe in? He's not giving him something on a platter because if he gave him something on a platter, then his inquiry would stop.

[29:27]

So what you're saying? Yeah. And then he'd say, okay, now I got it. Do you see a hand back there? Yeah. Steve. Steve. Yeah, and that, you know, we've got, here's a question that's burning a lot of anxiety that he was, sorry, his teacher. He has a question, this side of him, about life and death. He's asking his teacher about life and death, about alive or dead, that's burning inside of him. He's knocking on a coffin, somebody else's coffin, but what we have is very old life. Oh, pretty. Pretty. Feels like knocking somewhere outside and can't be answered outside. It can't. It's outside.

[30:51]

Well, then what use is a teacher? I won't say it. Quick study. Anyone else? Please. It's dichotomizing between life and death. What catches my attention in the colon is, I keep asking myself this often, am I sleeping or am I awake? What answer do you get?

[31:55]

Floating from one to the other. Okay. What is it to know the difference between in doing zazen in a way that enlivens in contrast to a way that deadens? What is it to... Why? Does that question enliven or does that question deaden? And what are you saying? I'm sleeping. Right now? No, it's Zazen. So, how are you doing Zazen? Let it create sad consequences. Maybe that's something to explore.

[33:00]

the nature of efforting in the activity of zazen? Is the coffee empty? It's a good question. Let's hope it helps us stay alive and waking up? Are you almost putting your hand up, sir? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go on. It's all right, come through, someone else. What do you like to... I think it's another kind of, you know, sort of going through this, you know, with Sun Face Buddha, Moon Face Buddha.

[34:09]

I said Sun Face Buddha, Moon Face Buddha. Okay. I was just looking for information about that. But what you said about survival, well, it's like, it's like, I like the samurai code that I was very worried about. The samurai code? You're going to battle like you're already dead. You're already dead? So we're already dead, so what? Shall we stop trying to live? Shall we stop caring? Mm-hmm. Why not? Mm-hmm. What's most important about this precious temporary human life?

[35:35]

The next one. If we don't learn how to be present for this, will we be present for that? Hopefully not. That's what we did. Yeah. So as the Shusso says, you know, the monk's relentless. Wherever he is, that's where he's going to practice. Yeah. Okay, here I am. So what is the nature of that kind of effort? Is it obsession?

[36:41]

Is it adventure? Is it some way where we take our own karmic tendencies and assert them on practice? Or do we let the practice illuminate them and skillfully work with them? You know, we all tend to either lean too far forward or hold back, you know? Can we work with it skillfully? Can it enable our practice rather than just be A constant source of self-criticism. Oh, there I go again. Pushing too hard. Holding back too much. Yeah, this guy's pretty unrelenting.

[37:48]

He's willing to hit the teacher. He's willing to put it all out there. Willing to, uh, Try to remind us, you know. Every day is a day to practice every situation, every occurrence. So what do you say, John? I was thinking more about the teacher not being willing to be pushed around. Teacher not being willing to be pushed around. Yes, too. Proposals or interviews, this or that. Why does it have to be just that? That really is what I'm thinking about this time. There seems to be a lot of creative space.

[38:58]

Creative space between this and that. Thank you for asking me. You're welcome. Thank you for answering. The creative space between this and that, between good and bad, between right and wrong, How do we combine a dedicated effort with a kind of mind that isn't fixated? It's not driving to this or driving to that. That the mind, the attitude has some mobility to it. It's like it's not taking itself too seriously.

[40:01]

Curiosity has a kind of lightness to it. If you think about it, coming here and being a student, it's kind of magnificent. And it's a little bizarre. The first time I came here, I came from almost, in a matter of days, from the deep forest in Thailand. And then within a matter of days, I was at Tassajara. And it was the 4th of July. And you know, I was in this strict monastery where you never speak. In that monastery, you had to have the teacher's permission to have a cup of tea. And usually you didn't have tea.

[41:08]

But like every third or fourth day the teacher would say, okay, we'll have a cup of tea today. And then we'd have tea. And then I came here. And I came in. And Gene DeSmet, many of you know, was working on the cabins, the courtyard cabins. And I came walking in, and he was swearing a blue streak. And I just thought, American Dharma practitioners, you know. And then, it does happen. And then down by the swimming pool, they started to play rock and roll and drink beer. And I thought, American Dharma practice.

[42:09]

And I thought, people here seem amazingly sincere. It's like they're really into the Dharma. It's very touched. And I just couldn't for the life of me figure out how they were practicing. Because I had this fixed idea in my mind. So how do we keep that kind of amusement? Like if you watch each other, if we watch ourselves, you know, it's like, it's kind of amazing the things we do, you know, what we get up to in the guise of Zen practice, you know, like you develop your own little habits, you know. And you just watch it. It's amazing. Is that really the effective process of your own survival?

[43:25]

Is that turning the Dharma wheel of the great matter of birth and death? But I would say this temple of adult aloneness, or David White's words, or this Indian elder named Mountain Dreamer. Mountain Dreamer says, it doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you've studied. Suzuki Roshi said, my practice is more basic than Zen. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you've studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. What is it to sit, Zazen,

[44:36]

to stay present, not contingent upon some acceptable state of mind, some acceptable saddledness, some acceptable physical comfort. What is it to sit zazen? without asserting conditions? What is an unconditional zazen? What is your response that goes beyond birth and death, that sets aside the strategies of survival? When we sit, that's what we sit with.

[45:45]

And when we stand up, that's what we stand up with. Can we settle down here? Can we, can we sort of like let something open? Okay, this is it. This is what I am. This awesome selfishness that sometimes just totally falls away and is replaced by heart-filled generosity. This embarrassing pettiness that sometimes is just stopped dead by the pitch black sky, realizing we're looking at 15 billion light years. What is that state of being that makes us susceptible and available for this way of being?

[47:07]

What is it that cracks open our usual mindsets, our usual preoccupations? Oh, I'm so tired this morning. I'm not sure if I want to go to Zazen. Maybe I need to sleep in because I have to work all day. What is it to see that for itself? rather than take it and wrestle with good and bad. Well, if I'm a good Zen student, I'll get up and go to the Zendo. But if I need to take care of myself, I'll sleep in, which is the right thing to do. Yes? We're over time? Uh-oh. Brought back into the world of conditioned existence.

[48:16]

Okay, I did tell my Jisha. We discussed it in advance. Our strategy was 9.20. It's 9.35. Okay, so... I'll read you more of this poem by this Indian mountain dreamer. Then I'll stop. What's that? The car wine? You didn't get enough of that? That's the guy in the car. How could he answer it for him? Who's going to do zazen for you? Who's going to stay in the middle of your life?

[49:21]

Who's going to tell you how to do that? He's going to say, here are the right conditions for unconditioned existence. This teacher was nobody's fool. He wasn't going to get suckered into that. Besides, you know, this guy is really into it. It's like he's working on it. Good news all around. It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. It doesn't interest me how old you are. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring in your moon. It doesn't interest me where you live or how much money you have. It doesn't interest me who you are and how you come to be here. I want to know if you can get up in the night after grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.

[50:33]

I want to know if you can stand in the center with me and not shrink back. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout out to the silver of the full moon, yes. I want to know what you ache for, what you dare to dream. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool. I want to know if you've touched the center of your sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, yours and mine, without moving to hide, to fake, to fix.

[51:37]

I want to know if you can be with joy, yours and mine. If you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes. Be realistic. Remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling is true. I want to know if you can be disappointed and stay true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray yourself. I want to know if you can be faithful and trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty. Okay. So, hey, nothing to it, right? Did you get all that? Are you alive or dead? Thank you

[52:38]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_86.79