This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. It's nice to see everybody. Thank you to the Tonto for availing herself to my... Offer is saying, when you get in a bind, I'll speak. I did not want to be on the schedule. I am a little anti-schedule in many ways in my later years. So thank you, though, for making me step up to the plate, Tanto-san. So how many of you are here for the first time tonight? I think Philip, did he stay? Did you see him? Did he come back?

[01:01]

Maybe not. Well, I'll tell you the story in that. Anyway, I mean, it's a good story. It's not a bad story. It's a good story. So there you go. Thank you. So I do have a story to tell you. Many of you have been with me. I don't know where David Alexander is, but he and Dennis have been on this journey. There you are. And talking about what I think is a prevalent thing, which is about friendship. And we'll start out with Dharma friendships because I feel like they've made the most substantial shift in my deepening my practice through the last 30 years of being here. And I also think it... comes into the paramitas, which has kind of been a subject that we've been speaking about of late.

[02:04]

And just to remind you, it's generosity, meaning giving and receiving, ethics, taking skillful action, joyous effort, engaging effort, patience, concentration, meditation, and wisdom, also known as seen clearly. So that's kind of the theme for me that I've been working with since I was asked to give this talk. And what does that mean to me? So, you know, from my other life of giving talks, there was always tell them what you're going to tell them, then tell them, and then tell them what you told them, all in three different ways. So those of you who have done marketing understand that kind of thing. to all of you, that sitting on this seat and speaking about the Dharma has another whole energy inside. It is almost, for someone like me, it's almost an unbearable responsibility because I have learned so much.

[03:15]

I have been so gifted to be with so many wonderful speakers and teachers that it kind of brings up the self-doubt. So I was thinking about three different things I could open with to talk to make this introduction. And then I got the email at 4 o'clock that Robbie Pellett had died. And Robbie Pellett was really a good friend and just a great buddy to Daigun and me in Green Gulch and Tassajara. Robbie Pellett was about, maybe he was 6'6", maybe he was 6'7". He was really tall for those. There's a few people in here who knew him, but he was really a tall man. And he had a serious physical illness from his kidneys. And about 15 years ago, he had a transplant. And he died last week of a heart attack at 62.

[04:15]

And it was like birth and death are what we're working with all the time. But it was one of those that went right into my being. So I want to tell you, if I may, my favorite story about, and Kentokul will appreciate the side of me that came out, I think, and with what happened with Rabi and Daigon and me when I was the Sheikah at Tassahara. So there I am, the Sheikah at Tassahara, and during the practice period, there were, Often the locals would come in when we were sitting and take a little, go into the hatha, into the bathhouse. So we were sort of okay with that, but they came in during a sashin. And I had a lot of indignation that they came in. So I went marching down there. I was all ready to go and tackle him on, which you'll appreciate.

[05:16]

He's seen me. And then all of a sudden, Robbie decided he better follow me and make sure he could protect me from all these. It was always a very interesting group that came and snuck into Tassajara. They'd been doing it for 40, probably from when you were there, too. And they were all old. But they had their lot of beer and other things of alcohol. So I walked in and... Robbie at 6'6", and me at my 5'5", he was just like looming over me like this amazing guardian. And he just stood there, and he puffed himself up just really huge and walked over. And I said, you have never been turned away to come in here, but you have violated a trust. When we put that sign out that say, monks in retreat, you're not invited in. And you have disturbed the ecosystem after being here. And I can look at your ages and know.

[06:17]

And of course, I wasn't even this soft. I was pretty, pretty rigid about it. And all these old guys and their little white legs, they were my age, I'm sure, maybe younger. They all just hopped out and said, we're so sorry. And Robbie just kept looming over me like, don't you get in her direction or in her face. And those of you who have been to Tassara, lived at Tassara, I think you can absolutely imagine walking down in the dead of winter. It was in a January practice period, so it was dark early. And all these old guys in Sasheen, because you have a Sasheen there every month. And I'm like, just, I'm not pointing my finger, but I'm just telling them they haven't done the right thing. And then Robbie steps up and says, I believe you heard her. Very, just very straightforward. So I want to talk to you tonight about the greatest gift that I've had in my life besides having my two sons and my grandchildren and Frank and Dusty.

[07:20]

I mean, there's the truth. And Maya. I think that the friendships that I've developed here have been... And they've had all kinds of forms because as I've said in the last talk, I gave everything to me at this time in my life is about what is the teaching for me at this time? What am I doing? That's the repeat. What am I saying that, you know, what's, what am I reacting to that I've been reacting to since I was 10 and the friendships are just amazing. And I want to tell you my perspective, if I may about, um, what I see friendships as with Dharma friends, as opposed to the old friends that I've had since I was, you know, in high school, grammar school. I'm still friends with people from grammar school, and we still connect. But it's not the same. There's an intimacy of knowing someone that long. But the one story that was very poignant for me is on my 50th...

[08:28]

birthday, I went home a few months after that, and I met all the women I had been in business with, and we were all kind of fearless kind of women, and I had them all over. I was staying with my former mother-in-law, and I had them all over because I wanted to talk about it, so I said, okay, well, what's up? What's happening? Because, you know, obviously coming to Zen Center from Dallas, Texas, and a corporate life, it was pretty different by this time, and I had been there eight years by that time. So it was like, they went, oh, the bottom sag and the boot, you know, they went through all, and I was like, yeah, okay, yeah, that's right, that's right. And they couldn't, it was like, and I said, well, how about your joys and concerns? And they looked at me kind of like, everything's okay. I'm good. You know, there's a few things. I'm not so unhappy with my life. And I was struck with the gift of what Dharma friendships give you because you have real conversations.

[09:34]

You have conversations that are good feedback. They're not make nice often. There's usually good support, but nobody's sitting you on a make nice kind of pat on the back. Like somebody came up to me the night before I... before I came down and popped up the stairs and said, I'm on vacation, but I wouldn't have missed you, and gave me a sweet kiss. Somebody else yelled up the stairs. Those are the joys that we get with people that care about us. But then I had a very, very painful episode in the early part of the week, and I had these two amazing men that are with me in the bookstore quite a bit stay right with me and support me and give me good feedback dharma friendships are an intimate level that i've not known with many friends outside of the dharma so what and that also comes into what we've kind of been talking about in a lot of our talks of the paramitas

[10:39]

that you have conversations that are about the ethics, like you're going to take skillful action, but you're going to speak your truth. If you feel like someone is, you need maybe some good feedback, you have the permission of that person to say, can I give you some feedback on this? And I know many of the new students have been working on that, but you have to look at... What is the teaching for you when you're feeling that? And your friends that you know, that know what you're working on and what your path is at this time, because it does change through the years. In 30 years, everything has changed from how I came because it was all about me when I first came at 42. How is I going to live my life a little better? How is I going to do things a little bit differently? Well, that still stays with me, but it went so much deeper. of deconstructing my story, understanding that I lived out of a story that I had had since I was very young.

[11:43]

And then I've had wonderful people that have come in to help me. And then the other side is I had the people that have also been my teachers and my bane of my existence at times that have been very difficult for me or I've been difficult for them. I'm, you know, If it's on my left side, it's on my right side, right? Anything, joy and sorrow. When there's joy there, sorrow is resting on your shoulder, if you remember that poem from Gibran. So I feel like friendships are our greatest teachers if you listen. And it can be the best friendships you've had and the most difficult. There's not necessarily any different because why? Why? Somebody told me today that they were so worried still about making a mistake and they might not do something right. And I said, of course, you're not going to do everything right.

[12:44]

Why would you think you do everything right? And why would you not understand? And everybody who's of a certain age knows the greatest teachings, if they decided to hold them like that, have been their negative experiences. They've been their painful experience. They've been the things like, you know, the ones you thought were your friends and thought, gee, I really did think we were kind of good friends. And then something happens and you think, oh, I had a perception. But you have a chance when you're working in the Dharma context, I think, for whether you live residentially or you're part of the wider Sangha, You have a chance to work with this in such a different way than happened prior to this. And some of you know this exactly. You've had this experience of time. Maybe you had trouble at work before, but you hold it differently, I found, than how I hold any of my issues.

[13:49]

And then you have what I think is the greatest gift here. There's a lot of great gifts, right? And it's intergenerational relationships that you can, and I'll tell one more quick story. When I was the Tonto at Green Gulch, there was a young woman who came when she was 18, smart as a whip, chip on her shoulder as thick as a trunk of a tree, and absolutely testing every minute of the time. Well, for those of you who know Dagon, it so happened he was her practice leader. And that was a perfect blend for her. And then she got to know me, which I later, I was the officiant for her wedding. And after she had been there about 11 months and she was coming in to talk to me about maybe what she wanted to do about going back to school. And I said, well, how do you feel about old people? Because her trust level was zero.

[14:50]

She didn't have a good source. To have anybody that had any age wasn't even worth looking at. And she said, which is the greatest gift again of Sangha, I will never look at older people the same way now. So once again, what happens? She allowed herself some generosity. She worked on her ethics. She had a joyous effort. And she took some patience, she had some concentration, and therefore what came out of it was some wisdom and some insight. So for me, that was my truth to talk about tonight, is that it's been a huge thing, these friendships. And the hard ones have been just as valuable as the treasured ones. And I kick and resist it all the time. And the friends, sometimes friends go away. That's the other thing. Somebody was telling me today about how their heart was really heavy because two of his good friends were leaving.

[15:57]

And I said, it's hard to believe, but they'll come back. Maybe not in the form of residential living, but people come back. I think the first month I came to City Center, in walks in a farmer from 20 years ago. with his 16-year-old son that looked just like he looked at 22. And he married his wife, who was another, she was a gardener. And they walked in, they had no idea I was here. And it was like, it's true, everybody comes back. And then we have the other thing of when our kids leave. So one of what I still consider my clan grands left for college her first year of college. So that's big. That's big. It was big for the mama, and it was big for me. You know, it was like I was excited about her, and then I was like, oh, I wish she'd have stayed here. I had selfish feelings for her. I was excited for her, but I still thought, oh, I want her a little closer.

[17:00]

But I know from my own sons, they have to fly. They have to fly. And you just keep holding them, you know. Yeah. You are the wind beneath their wings in a very, very solid way when your children leave you to go, or your loved ones, nieces, nephews, people who mean something, young students who leave. Your role is to let them fly and then keep the wind blowing for them so they're steady. Those are friendships. Those are a big part of my practice. And And there was a young man who came in last week. And we had this incredible little Dharma combat that went back and forth. And it was just like so exciting. I hadn't done a quick little zippy. And he was a zippy kind of guy, smart as a tack. And I met him. And I was pretty excited that I got to meet him with some zippy comments back. Because he was a pretty sharp cookie.

[18:04]

So... That's kind of what I wanted to tell you is treasure your difficulties. And the other thing I used to say all the time as a tanto to all of the WPAs that came in, and I want to say it to all of the new people that are here, either times, that when you come for residential practice, everybody in your life comes. They just look a little different. Every lover, every person who did you wrong, every parent issue, every grandparent, every friend issue, they all come. And that's where, if you cultivate these teachings, and the paramitas are a good way, and the precepts are a good way to hold that, when you really genuinely hold that as your intention, and you're going to fail. As I said to the friend today you're going to fail you're going to just go right back to your old reactive behavior and that's okay because you start seeing it a little sooner so the shadow side is never too far away it's always right here and the buddha nature side is here and then sometimes this comes out and this goes to the shoulder and you start getting that

[19:29]

And that's the joy of community life. And, you know, August, September, kind of the dog days of summer is what we used to call them. You know, it was kind of hot and kind of tired of doing the job you've been doing. You kind of start questioning, why are you here? So that is actually why I wanted to talk about friendship and the joys of friendship. And people... I mean, there have been people that I was never close to and have known for 20 plus years, pleasant but never close to, that something changes and then I become quite close to them and shocked us both. In particular, we were both kind of surprised how we changed our energy with one another. So those are the gifts. And the best thing about this kind of talk is I'm going to close early because I'm, you know, The other thing, and I've done it before, is when you start seeing all the people you know who came to support you and they're trying really hard not to nod off, but they can't help themselves.

[20:36]

They can't help themselves, you know. And it doesn't hurt my feelings or anything, but I think, okay, everybody's tired and we're back on regular schedule now, right? So this is, here's a verse that she recites. Sorry. to my one person who doesn't like quotes. Life as it is, the only teacher. Being just this moment, compassionate way. And I think that kind of says it all. And we'll take some questions if there are any. If they're not, we'll chant. What if I can't find it again? Are you sure? It wasn't the one I intended as long as we're... As long as we're confessing in there. No, I'm not in a rush, but I know I've been on the side of that side that you're on and been in a rush.

[21:41]

I've really enjoyed this. Can we be through? You got your point across. I'm looking at certain ones of my close loved friends. Life as it is, comma, the only teacher. Being just this moment, compassionate way. And this is from Diane Risotto's Deep Hope. So we have these three wonderful books on the paramitas. Vicki, come on, just sit down because we're about to chant away. It's okay. This is why I like to do Wednesday because mostly it's just us. And if there's someone new, I pretty well know you pretty well anyway. From the bookstore. I love the bookstore. I've had such a dandy time. Meeting so many people. And so many teachings. So many teachings. So I want to thank each. And every one of you. That have been so amazing.

[22:42]

I can look at all of you. And say watch what our relationship has changed. You know that kind of happened organically. Took a little time. I want to thank the ones that. It started immediately. That rapport was there. That trust was there. And we've just flowed since. And Ingen coming over from Ireland and coming right in to say hello to me. And I have to say that that extroverted personality of mine is so happy when people are genuinely come in to say hello. I like that. We can all then go our own way. But I love that part. Yes, Edward. Hi. How do you see a Dharma friendship as different from a normal friendship? Well, I think you get more deep. I think you get into more real conversations without the preliminary of have to taking time.

[23:45]

Like you could come in and sit down and we could talk and you might turn around and give me some really solid advice feedback on some area that you might have had some issue or something like stop coming in and looking at the menu to see what you're serving you know in the middle of while we're working you know stop you know or would you or would you mind and you're talking about real things and and you might preface it by saying i appreciate the things that you do but would you also And there's just more dialogue that's kind of... Do you sense that now yet? From being the Tenzo? Are you sensing the... Well, they can have that. But I have to say, I think it's different because of these teachings.

[24:50]

And I'm using the word Dharma as teaching because you learn so much no matter how horrible the experience is living at Zen Center. And we all know people have not had a good time here. But what's come out of it, if they're willing to look at it later, is something they can use all their life. Or someone going to Tassajara who's very skilled and comes back and says, That was the most chaotic kitchen I've ever seen. It was way too much for me. And it's all true. It's not that these things here, all of the faults aren't true. It's just that you start holding and shifting it. You work as one of my flatmates said to me, just do it with generosity. Just do it with generosity. And you can hear that when you're practicing in any place. in any kind of deep intentional community. I don't just mean San Francisco Zen Center.

[25:53]

People who wish to follow the way, Catholics, Jewish, Mormons, Muslims, if they're genuinely practicing within this way of skillful means, generosity, ethics. then you start being able to have real conversations. And then you can even say, you get safe enough to say, I don't think I know how to say this. I'm not sure I'm going to say it well. So is that okay? Can I still say it with maybe not knowing how to say it? And you're usually getting into some below the belly stuff or in the deep part of the belly. You're not just like, I don't like the way you're stomping your chest. your gum when you're at work or it drives me crazy when people tap. You're not doing it that way. You're doing it in a much deeper level. That's my feeling.

[26:54]

Okay. Well, we have some gardeners that have worked really hard today, planning and digging today. We've had a kitchen. We've had a Sheikah crew that's had a lot of guests coming in and I can look around, and everybody I know has had a lot of work to do. So I think abbots who have been in meetings all day or on the phone or doing something, and they'll be really happy to go to bed. It's 8.15. You know? At Tassajara, Diagon and I had, before that last period of Zazen, teeth were brushed, everything. You went home, took your robes off, went to the bathroom one more time. We could be in bed at 9.06. We were so happy. We were so happy to be able to be in bed at Tassara and really settled. 906, that was our magic number if we made that. Yeah. I mean, if you understand what I'm talking about. Yeah.

[28:01]

Yeah. And for those of you who haven't gone or haven't been here long enough to get it, please come in a little closer if you wish. And I want to thank every one of you for coming tonight. I hope this made a little bit of sense to you. And if it didn't, that's okay. It can go in and go out. It's a beautiful building, right? And we're really going to have a lovely, lovely renovation. And I want to talk about that just for a moment. So in the renovation. And... Well, I want to tell you for some reason. So when they first started talking about this renovation and they talked about an elevator, I thought, wow, that's kind of, you know, elevators are really probably the most expensive part of it, isn't it? And then today went from I got I came back in at 521. So from 521 to six o'clock, there were four people who walked in.

[29:01]

They were all guests arriving or returning. And they all were from Europe. And they had some lots of luggage. And it wasn't light. And they had to go up to the third floor, every one of them. And one guy had six. He must have more than one room. And they were all the big European kind of, you're traveling. Either you're coming here or you're going there. And I thought, yep, we're right. Not only for the old people. but also for the young people and the stroller and all of that. And then us old ones can go up. And then the other great treat of this renovation is we're going to make private bathrooms, which will be a great blessing to all of us to not have the 1923 dorm bathrooms. So I want to give a little appreciation that Abbott Ed is now doing a lot of work focusing since he's the central abbot and i'm really excited about this because i also love the architect and i love the the contractor i was like they've done how many julia morgan buildings three or four anyway they were it's very exciting for women we may be up north in the retirement community but i hope we get to come down to see it well if susan's right on her prediction and

[30:29]

So thank you all very much, and Peter? Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Domo.

[31:01]

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