This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. We have sound. Thank you, Dagon. We have a new sound system. My name is Joan, and I want to say right away, that I am so grateful for this practice. I was feeling it before coming into the Buddha Hall, but there's something about Jim, the Jiko, with such respect for whatever, and attention just carrying around the table and helping with the mic, It's incredibly moving, and I am very grateful to be practicing here at San Francisco Zen Center and with all of you.

[01:10]

And I particularly would like to express appreciation to Paul and to Blanche for being such good teachers. Deeply appreciative I am. of your example and the opportunity I have to practice with you and train with you. Thank you. Okay, so there is one other person I've been thinking a lot about lately who I would also like to bring into the room, and that is Darlene Cohen. who, hello Darlene, wherever you are, she was an early teacher for me, and she died in January.

[02:11]

Many people in the room know her, knew her. So anyway, I would like to talk tonight about devotion. which is something that maybe there's some people in the room who are in the class. There's a class happening right now as part of the practice period, and it's called Practices of Devotion and Introduction to Zen Buddhism. And I was curious if anybody would show up for that, if it sounded too religious, you know, if it would be too guru-y or worship-y. And I was very kind of delighted to see that other people might think devotion is sexy, too. There are a couple reasons that I'm studying devotion. They're pretty personal. And tonight I was going back and forth between whether I would talk about devotion or sex.

[03:16]

Devotion, sex, devotion, sex. Some people here may be disappointed. But actually... I feel like probably both will be included tonight. I also want to say right away it feels kind of dangerous, treacherous, even to talk about teaching a class or speaking in such a holy space as this. I am not an authority on either one of those. I'm a struggling human being. I have lots of questions, and it's basically my suffering that's brought me here in front of you tonight. So I hope it won't be too much Jerry Springer-like, but there is some stuff here that some of you might identify with. Can everybody hear me okay? So in looking at the danger of talking about anything, you know, coming across as an expert or an authority, I thought of this Zen story.

[04:30]

It's one of my favorites. By the way, no matter how juicy it gets, I'll get us out of here by 8.30, I promise. Okay. Changsha and Yongshan are the two characters. They're Chinese. practitioners a long time ago, and they're out walking under the full moon. Now, I didn't see it, but I heard there was a beautiful yellow round full moon the other night. Did anybody see it? Okay, so imagine a moon like that. These two guys are out walking, these two Zen practitioners. And Yangshan says, all people have this. yet they do not know how to use it. And Changsha says, how true, how true. Please, use it. And Yangsheng says, how would you use it?

[05:35]

And Changsha grabs him by the lapel, throws him to the ground, and stomps on him. And Yangshan gets up, struggles to his feet, dazed probably, brushes himself off and says, what a tiger you are. And forever after, Changshan was known as the tiger. So I told this story to Darlene many years ago. And for some people who know me, you might not be surprised that I took the side of Changshan. Yeah, right on. You know, the guys being arrogant, break through, throw them to the ground, teach them a lesson, right? But Darlene's take on it was, well, Yangshan was the one who got himself up and dusted himself off. So this, for me, is starting to open up the terrain of devotion.

[06:43]

And in class, so in this class, it's an introduction to Zen class, which I mentioned. So looking at the possibility that a primary devotional practice in Zen might be Zazen. So this is not devotion with an object, rather some feeling of continuing to look, continuing to study the unfolding process of this life practice. So, yeah. Then the question arose last night. There was a student in the class who said, well, the Zazen I've learned is kind of, you know, ordinary.

[07:50]

It's not really making any big deal. It's going through your life with some attention. Don't you think calling it devotion is a bit detrow, you know, too much? And I thought that was a great question. So it kind of outed me. And what I want to say is I've been looking at the word devotion for about 13 years now. And it arose when I first came to practice. Like many of you, how many are here for the first time tonight? Yes, all right. Okay, so like you. I mean, I don't know what your experience is tonight, but... When I first walked through the doors of Zen Center, it was a Saturday, and I was just... I just loved it.

[08:53]

I felt the sanctuary immediately. I felt the beauty, the safety, and there was an energy that I was immediately curious about and wanted to engage with. You're nodding. I'm so happy for you. Welcome, yeah. So I had this strong feeling of practice, and I also became almost immediately attracted to a practitioner. He was tall, he was dark, and he was... Yes. And he was very gentle, a wonderful practitioner, and he kind of embodied the bodhisattva ideal. There was a real sweetness to him. He was a wonderful example as a new practitioner. So I'm not denying that there was some sexual attraction involved here, but there was a moment where sitting next to him, I felt a feeling arise in my body that I hadn't felt before.

[10:04]

It was powerful. It was beautiful. It was spacious. And I had the thought, oh, my God, I'm feeling devotion. Totally curious about it, not sure what it meant. It just arose. That was the label. So the next day I came to Zen Center. And if any of you have been in the library reading room, there's a huge dictionary down there. And I looked up devotion, the word devotion. And... told the story to a couple people, so my apologies for those who've heard it. The archaic definition of devotion, of devoted, is doomed. What is that? So, over the last several years, it's been like, oh, okay, so...

[11:06]

You know, could it be we're doomed to die, you know, but we live anyway? Could it be that we're doomed to the fact of our delusion, but we practice anyway? We chanted the, oh, at the end of our talks, we chant the bodhisattva vows, which are kind of in this realm for me too. You know, beings are numberless. but I still vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible, but I still vow to end them. I'm never going to get to the end, but it doesn't mean that the vow isn't there. So we did an exercise in the circle of our class the first week, and people just kind of spontaneously kind of accessed what their relationship with devotion is. was at that time anyway.

[12:09]

And one person said, when you don't know exactly what the outcome is going to be, but you do it anyway. And when I just did this, I was reminded of another example of devotion recently for me was Zen Center has been participating in some relief fundraisers for Japan, for Northern Japan, for the earthquake survivors and everything that's going, the devastation that's going on there. So several of us have been chanting the Enmei Juku Kanon Gyo. It's a wonderful experience with various different people. Some of them have been members of the San Francisco Ballet Orchestra. So it's pretty beautiful, really powerful. And over the weekend, the last event took place at Sakoji, which is up the street.

[13:10]

Suzuki Roshi's original temple that he landed in when he came to the United States. So that's where we had this event. The Japanese priest who's taking care of Sakoji kind of introduced the event and told us... that his own temple was decimated. Many, many people died. He showed pictures before and after, and it's horrific. And as he spoke, he was wearing his robes, he was very upright, and speaking in English. And at a certain point, his voice started to break down, for those of you who are there, you know. You became a bit emotional. But then he said, but we will continue. And he went like this. It wasn't like this. It was just so clear and so straightforward.

[14:13]

Not exactly knowing, but that doesn't mean that you don't go forward with as much confidence and energy as you can muster. Deeply inspiring and moving to me. So this is the realm of devotion that I'm trying to access. Also, more recently, there was a conversation with someone, and this was really clarifying for me. This person, and looking at how devoted, doomed, this person was saying, married, very much in love with his wife, And maybe hoping that they'll start having a family, that they'll start having babies. Beautiful. But he said at a certain point, when they were in bed together, I believe, and she was sleeping maybe, and he looked at her and was just so overwhelmed with this feeling of love for this person, knowing full well that he was going to lose her.

[15:23]

at some point, that it would be lost. And so this was his response to this doomed, devoted, that knowing full well that you're going to lose, it's going to end, does not mean that you don't love. So a willingness to fully give over to love even though you know you're going to lose them. So this student also who said, you know, I'm not so sure about why we're calling it devotion too much. This is just this ordinary practice of zazen. Well, sometimes we might need a little encouragement. Some of us might need even a little excitement, you know.

[16:23]

Zazen, as you may have noticed, it doesn't seem like much is happening most of the time. We're in this place right now with teaching Zazen instruction. Not many people come back after the first hit. What is that? Is there anything that we can address here? Maybe. But maybe there are other ways that we can encourage ourselves. Maybe there are other ways internally that we can give rise to energy enough to energy to just keep going so I was thinking that the class could be called I mean it could be called all kinds of things but devotion energy healing also yeah another aspect that comes directly out of my own suffering lately is In studying this third precept, I vow not to misuse sexuality.

[17:28]

Powerful precept. How to honor sexual energy. Even saying that word is so charged. But life energy, the life force, not withholding, not abusing, and certainly this is in the news. Lately we're all reading about it. of inappropriate use of sexual energy, it's fascinating, but creates a lot of suffering. So for myself, and here I am assessing how much to go in, it's like, so... I realized that in looking at this, not just studying it from a safe distance, reading books or being in Zazen, but actually engaging with another being. One thing I realized is that I actually am interested in non-distraction.

[18:30]

Now, the person, my partner, chose the word monogamy. I know this is There's a movie out or something. Has anybody seen this movie called Monogamy? No. Okay. So this thing about when I hear the word monogamy for myself, it's a bummer. It's like, no, it's like closing, getting narrower. You should do this. You shouldn't do that. You know, behave. I'm not so interested in that. It's not energizing. This is dangerous territory, I know. But the response I had internally to that was, no, devotion. I am interested, as it so happens, if you look up the word monogamy in monogamy, but the spirit of it is more like devotion. It's more like, it's more lovely.

[19:33]

It's more like... Creating healing space with another person. There are so many possibilities out there just with one person but opening it up. Narrowing it down with just one person but within that opening it back up again. Energy. So has more to do with what I was challenged on in this moment was this is something I care about actually. I'm going to plant my banner here and say, this is something I value. Since then, having conversations with various people and check it out for yourself. Without that, without a sense of what I'm calling devotion anyway, it's just too easy to forget about that. Let me try this. There are so many things. There are so many possibilities. Get out my phone and see if I can text. Just go down, write the contact list.

[20:36]

But to stay with. What is it to stay? What do I need? What is it that I need to cultivate? What qualities to stay with at the risk of being a loser, being completely hurt, whatever, fill in the blanks. So, and in this, even when another person's involved, it's still, whether you call it monogamy, devotion, non-distraction, not the focus of outside. There isn't a commitment to outside. This is a practice period where we're studying the Brahma Vaharas. This is stabilizing loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity. These are the four divine abodes. You start with yourself.

[21:37]

You stabilize within yourself. So stabilizing within devotion, taking the backward step, looking at this zazen. Voila. Not so easy to do, to pay attention, to look in the mirror unflinchingly or flinchingly. Here's a quote that I found inspiring. My new favorite Jesuit, Father McNamara, William McNamara, I don't know if anybody knows him. He uses words like God, but we could substitute, you could stay with God if you'd like. You could substitute God for Zazen or paying close attention to... this unfolding life process. You can substitute that for God. I know it's a lot easier just to say God, but here's what Father McNamara says.

[22:39]

God is not nice. God is not a mascot. God is not an uncle. God is an earthquake. If we're going to enter his cave, we're entering into the presence of a lion. Who knows if we're going to come out alive? God is love all right, but because his love is unlimited and boundless, it's fierce. And so devotion to that might not be so easy, warm, and fuzzy. It might require a lot of courage. Um... I was with a group of a bunch, a lot, like almost 90 ninth graders the other day at the international school. It was a wonderful experience, except I was supposed to offer mindfulness for them.

[23:42]

So wonderful idea. The teachers wanted someone to work with the kids because they're going to be having their final exams in a couple weeks. So they wanted to offer some kind of teaching on some different skills or ways that the kids might be able to work with their anxiety, their lack of confidence, to calm down a little bit, and to focus. So I was looking for a good story to start off, to really get their attention, because there was 87 of them. And a friend of mine gave me this wonderful story that I'd like to share with you because I feel like this is a good example of what I'm calling devotion anyway, not in the realm of the rational, not knowing exactly what you're doing really, but somehow some single-pointed, wholehearted this.

[24:53]

So it's a Rinpoche. who is traveling with his monks, and it supposedly is a true story, in Tibet, and he's going from monastery to monastery. He arrives with his monks at this one monastery, and at the temple gate, there's a huge dog, like a ferocious creature with fangs and cloths, and he's growling. Fortunately, he's on a chain. He's tied to the entrance to the monastery. But he's growling and he's snarling. He's not a very friendly dog, and he's huge. And the monks see him. They go around him, and they proceed into the courtyard. It's one of those vast courtyards. They're walking across the courtyard, and all of a sudden they hear a shout. And they all turn around. And the dog has broken free and is running toward them.

[25:59]

The monks freeze. And then the Rinpoche. So I asked the kids, guess what he did? And one kid said, he meditated. And another kid, another kid said, he did everything. Absolutely nothing. And then someone else said, he closed his eyes. I said, no. He ran like hell toward the dog. And they all went, oh. And just without, just like that, just toward that dog. not even thinking, full on, full force. And the dog apparently tailed between the legs and ran off.

[27:03]

So something about this fearlessness that's not premeditated, just meditated maybe, fearlessness, not without fear. I asked the kids, okay, what word is in fearlessness? And one of the kids said, less. Okay. Okay. Anyway. So all this, Lama Surya Das says, devotional practices are a very important part of spiritual life. It doesn't mean devotion to the person. It means devotion to the Dharma. We're not talking about students bowing and scraping, but about paying attention, being receptive. opening ourselves and sort of trusting enough to make the leap forward. One of the best forms of devotion is to pay attention, to be passionately interested and continuously engaged in the process of learning.

[28:07]

I think this is a pretty good description of Sazen, of the devotional practice of Sazen, the practice realization of Dogen Zenji. So this is zazen for the sake of zazen, not for any particular outcome. So this devotion, non-distraction, kind of a hunkering down, a single-pointed awareness, undivided attention, doing what's in front of you. Confidence, faith, energy. So... you know, definitely not in the realm of the rational. I mean, when we think about what we do, we go down to a dark room and sit and face the wall. I mean, that's not exactly, that's kind of counterculture. That's not, who knows what that is. Anyway, that's what we do. So, this thing about healing, finding ourselves right where we are, this body, this mind, whatever it is.

[29:11]

I work in the women's jail. I go in there with a yoga teacher. We do yoga meditation. And I'm really, really feeling how it's both simultaneously effort and relief, discipline and relaxation. Like this tonight, I mean, you're listening to me talk. Thank you for listening. But really, this is for you. And I found myself starting every class with women in the jail saying, this is for you. This is about relaxation. Whatever the activity is, can you find it here? A state of relaxation. So open chest, soft belly. Just breathing.

[30:11]

Bringing some awareness to the fact that we're actually breathing. Breathing in. Yes, I'm here. Breathing out. It's okay. Breathing in, accepting this particular body-mind right now. Breathing out. Okay. Not quite letting go, I think. More just like letting be. It's okay. So, taking a big kind of shift back here, Hildegard von Bingen. I don't know if anybody knows her. If anyone's looked at her work, she was an amazing, one of the amazing medieval mystics. a woman, you know, about 100 years before Dogen in Germany.

[31:16]

And her practices and her teachings on healing are pretty remarkable. She was basically, she was an abbess of a Benedictine monastery at a very unusual time. She was a healer, skilled in medicine. was a songwriter, musician, composer. So I want to read just a little bit about a teaching of hers that she called Viriditas, which has been translated into English as greening power. So Hildegard coined a term to encompass the lush green of life in all of nature's creations, as well as the healing powers of the organism, health, and the vitality of the spirit.

[32:22]

The term she chose was greening power, viriditas, which in a mysterious way was inherent in animals and fishes and birds and all plants and flowers and trees. At first, she viewed greening power in strictly naturalistic terms. It manifested itself in grasses and plants sustained by the four elements, by fire, earth, water, and air. It moistened stones, shimmered in the water, glowed in fire, and was especially refreshing when carried by the breezes from which... The grass in early morning takes in greenness as eagerly as a lamb takes in milk. So this life force of the body, also green. The color green shone with particular brightness whenever sex was involved, whether it was human or germinating fruit.

[33:32]

Even human reason, human knowledge, and most especially human conscience were green in color. And she says, God created heaven and earth out of the bright green life force, and all the world's beauty blossomed forth out of the Holy Spirit, the root of all created being. The Spirit purges the world of all impurities. All guilt is erased, all pain eased, every wound soothed. Thus the Spirit is life, radiant, praiseworthy life, life that arouses all things and reawakens the cosmos. So I've been trying to point toward zazen, this devotion thing, as all of us being connected with the natural world, with this greening, with spirit, our own Buddha nature.

[34:44]

You know, Changsha, Yangshan, you know, when Yangshan said, all people have this, but they don't know how to use it. So we do have all this. How are we using it? How are you using it? How am I using it right now? seems from what I've learned so far in this thing we call Zen, Zazen, is expressing ourselves fully. What is it? What qualities to cultivate to enable us, to encourage us, to give us enough comfort, to express ourselves fully, no holding back, to completely enjoy our lives, to completely take up our life practice. Um... You know, I was terrified to talk in front of those kids the other day.

[35:47]

I was terrified to talk in front of you tonight. It's like, so what? Show some spirit. Show up. Give it a shot. See how it goes. Someone, I heard the word hustle the other day. I like that. Hustle a little. Get out of the comfort zone just a little bit. Do it anyway. So I'm not exactly advocating wrestling each other to the ground. It's not quite like that. It's not quite like Changsha necessarily. But is there any place that we're holding back? How can we encourage each other, encourage ourselves to come forward, to take up what I've been calling devotion, a wholehearted engagement in this? still thinking of feeling my energy right now and remembering Darlene's, remembering the guy, yeah, he's the one who busted himself off, right?

[36:55]

He just kept going. So if you're not ferociously inclined, maybe you also identify with the guy who just brushed himself off and kept going. So we don't know exactly what the outcome is of this zazen. running full on toward the beast, facing our own suffering squarely, sitting right in the middle of that circle of fire called our Zafu, our bodies. You know, I have the thought, I haven't confirmed it yet with Mio Lehi, but I have an idea that Bodhi, you know, awakening, may be the etymological ancestor of Bodhi. I'm wondering. Is it? It makes sense. We awaken through our body, through our suffering body, not turning away from it. So I would like to say that maybe the moon has risen.

[38:00]

I didn't see it earlier. But I wish for all of you that when you go out into the night, if you're going out or if you live in the building, maybe you'll go up to the roof. and look up at the sky and ask yourself, how will I use it? Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for your attention. And please enjoy your awakening. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:53]

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