This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Can you hear me? Okay. How about now? Is that better? Okay. So my name is Tova Green. I'm very happy to be speaking tonight. And I want to thank Rosalie Curtis, our tanto, for inviting me. And I want to thank all of you for coming tonight. It wouldn't be a talk without you. And I also want to thank my teacher, Agent Linda Cutts, for all the support she's given me over many, many years.

[01:06]

And... Curious whether anyone's here for the first time tonight. It's a special welcome to you. What I'd like to talk about tonight came together over a couple of weeks and the theme is departures. And there were a few experiences that happened that surprised me in their synchronicity. And I thought, well, I have to talk about this theme because it's just coming up over and over again in my life and probably in some of your lives as well. And this will make more sense later, but coincidentally, we had peaches for breakfast today.

[02:08]

And so this... Just a thread that will make more sense in a few minutes about the peaches. But Departures is the title of a film that many of us who are residents in the building watched a couple of weeks ago. We had a residence retreat. Just to say, I live here at Zen Center. I've been a resident here and at Green Gulch and Tassajara. And currently I work as the vice president of Zen Center. So we had a residence retreat and we had a film night and showed a Japanese film called Departures. And the main character is a young man who lost his job as a cellist in a symphony orchestra because the audiences were growing small.

[03:09]

and the orchestra had to close or fold. And he and his wife went to a small town where he had grown up, and they went to live in the home that he had lived in with his mother. His father had left when he was young. And he was looking for work, and he saw an ad that said Departures, and he thought it was a travel agency. So he answered the ad, and to his surprise, he found that he was... invited to be an apprentice to a very skilled man who prepared bodies for death. So very different kind of departures than he had imagined. Sorry, did I say before death? Thank you, Steve. After death. Thank you. Yes, so he worked with... his teacher in preparing bodies for cremation.

[04:13]

And he had many different experiences going into homes where people were grieving, sometimes where they were upset and angry, sometimes where things that had not been so well known about a person emerged at the time of their death. And through this, he also faced... his own loss of his father, and in the end, I hope this doesn't... I don't... If you're planning to... Or you might want to see the movie, I don't think I should give away the whole plot. But anyway, it became a very significant gift that he learned and was able then to bring to others, to be calm in the face of death, to be... respectful of the body, to be present with all of the feelings in the room, no matter what they were, and without any judgment, just to be present, which seems so much...

[05:34]

like the way our practice can prepare us to meet difficult situations, loss, death, illness, and all kinds of change which is always present in our lives. Another thing that happened for me yesterday was I went for a walk in the morning after breakfast. I was a little grumpy and I thought it would really help me to take a walk and I walked down the street to Blue Bottle Coffee and I got a coffee and there's a lovely little park right across from Blue Bottle that's made like the new plantings in front of our building where concrete was dug up and flowers were planted and there was a bench so I sat on the bench and started writing in my journal and I was working on a poem and a man came and sat on the bench next to me, and then another younger man came, and it seemed like they were friends, so I offered him my seat on the bench, and he said, no, stay where you are, you're writing, you're in the flow.

[06:48]

And then the first man asked me what I was writing, and I said I was working on a poem. And he said he had taught poetry for 23 years, and as the conversation evolved... Turned out he had also come to Zen Center and practiced here for a number of years. And then the younger man, who was carrying a book of Jung, said, I don't know how the conversation got onto this, but he said, you know, I lost a really good friend who was only 28, and now I really value my life every day. And then the man who was sitting on the bench next to me told me he had just had bypass surgery. that he had a blocked artery, and he was so grateful to be able to take a walk in the morning and have a cup of coffee. So that conversation just shifted to these people, both of them, really finding life so precious because death had come so close, one in his own life and one with a friend.

[07:59]

And then when I... I came to dinner last night and was sitting at a table with a resident whose mother was visiting, and she had right in front of her a book called Until I Say Goodbye. And when I asked her about the book, she said it was given to her by a friend who was just diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and wanted her to read it. And it's the story of a woman in her 40s who had ALS disease. and how she met her experience with that illness, finding ways she could enjoy her last year of her life with her family. And I haven't read the book yet, but my friend's mother read the whole book on the plane coming out here to see her son, and then she lent it to me, so I will be reading it. So... And then we had peaches for breakfast this morning.

[09:01]

So the connection there is that there's a poem that I've been reading and learning by heart that makes a connection between how we live our lives every day, living fully in the moment, and not always thinking that death is... very close to our awareness. So I'd like to share the poem. It's by Lee Young Lee, and it's called From Blossoms. It goes, From blossoms comes this brown paper bag of peaches we bought from the boy at the bend in the road where we turn towards signs painted peaches. From laden boughs, from hands, From sweet fellowship in the bins comes nectar at the roadside, peaches we devour, dusty skins and all.

[10:09]

Comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat. Oh, to take what we love inside, to carry within us an orchard, to eat not only the skin but the shade, not only the sugar but the days. to hold the fruit in our hands, enjoy it, then bite into the round magnificence of peach. There are days we live as if death were nowhere in the background, from joy to joy to joy, from wing to wing, from blossom to blossom to impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom. So what that poem is about for me, it's not just about the wonderful experience we can have in the summer eating fruit, but the fruit is where does the fruit come from?

[11:26]

from laden boughs, from hands, from... The fruit, I think of it as a symbol of everything wonderful in life, and then there's the dust, and the dust is also part of life, and then living our days so fully, and yet death is always there in the background. We just don't know when it's going to arise, either our own death or the death of... someone close, or we could say loss. It's not just about death. Last Sunday in the New York Times, there was a wonderful article which also touches on this. It's called The Trauma of Being Alive, and it's by Mark Epstein, who's a Buddhist psychologist. He wrote Thoughts Without a Thinker and some other books you might have seen. And he starts the article by talking about a conversation he had with his mother who was upset with herself because she was still grieving over her husband of 60 years who had died four years before.

[12:37]

I think it was the anniversary of his birthday. And Mark Epstein... must be a wonderful son to his mother, but anyway, he was trying to comfort her and to say that it was fine to be grieving, that grief takes its own time, that there was no need to get over it or put it aside, but in fact that if she could face it and accept it, she would probably feel a lot better. And he said... And he called her experience of loss trauma. And he says, an undercurrent of injury and disaster runs through ordinary life. Trauma is not just the result of major disasters. It does not happen to only some people.

[13:39]

An undercurrent of trauma runs through ordinary life, shot through as it is with the poignancy of impermanence. I like to say that if we are not suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, we are suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder. There's no way to be alive without being conscious of the potential for disaster. One way or another, death and its cousins, old age, illness, accidents, separation, and loss hangs over all of us. Nobody is immune. Our world is unstable and unpredictable. and operates to a great degree, and despite incredible scientific advancement, outside our ability to control it. So meeting these everyday changes, losses, unexpected happenings, changes in our health, is part of being alive.

[14:44]

We can't avoid it. And one of the things that... practice helps us with, I think, is being present, being fully present with what's painful as well as with what brings us joy and not turning away from it. So the experience in meditation of sitting with an aching knee or awareness of sadness or some difficult emotion can prepare us for not only can, it does, it enables us to be more present with some of the difficulties that we encounter day to day in our lives. And Mark Epstein also says, the first day of school and the first day in an assisted living facility are remarkably similar. Separation and loss touch everyone. And maybe you can remember

[15:47]

your first day of school or your first day in a new school and how unsettling that can be, how even if you were looking forward to going to school, it still can be very challenging. I was one of those children who cried when my mother left me at kindergarten. I didn't like it at all. And whatever one's age... Change is difficult. Last weekend I visited a friend who just celebrated her 90th birthday and she moved recently from an apartment in a senior living facility down the street on Laguna Street to the Jewish home where she realizes she's going to be for the rest of her life and she couldn't take very many things with her and She's getting used to a whole new community.

[16:48]

And she sent me an email after I visited her just saying, you know, I realize it's going to just take me a while until I find my place here. And so it doesn't matter what our age or where we are in our lives, there's always change and something new to get used to, which often means something old that we let go of. Sometimes it's something that we loved. So how do we meet these situations fully, as Mark Epstein suggests? I thought it might be helpful to share with you five precepts that I learned when I did the Zen Hospice Project volunteer caregiver training five or six years ago. It was a wonderful training. It was two weekends and two nights. And after that, all of us, we volunteered.

[17:52]

We did a five-hour shift. I did mine at Laguna Honda Hospital that has a hospice ward. And so we made a commitment to volunteer for a year and work with these five precepts which I think help meet any kind of difficult situation. So the first one is welcome everything, push away nothing. So it's about being present, just allowing yourself to look at something that's hard to see that's in front of you or listen to someone perhaps with whom you don't agree, and try to have an open mind, a learning conversation with that person.

[18:53]

Not prejudging people, but really trying to be aware of our biases. So welcome everything, push away nothing. Bring your whole self to the experience. So I found doing a shift every week, and then later I was a hospice social worker for a few years. So bringing my whole self to the experience meant bringing however I was feeling that day, and also bringing my practice, bringing my... interest in people, my curiosity, my stuck places, becoming aware of them, just bringing it all because I couldn't really leave any of it behind.

[20:01]

Just accepting that I was how I was or I am how I am and sometimes that feels beneficial. And sometimes, like when I was in a grumpy mood yesterday, I really felt I didn't want to have a conversation with someone where I might say something I would be sorry for, sorry about. And so taking a walk seemed like the best way to deal with that. But Anyway, bringing your whole self to the experience is the second precept. Third is don't wait. And that's something I learned a lot by working with people who are dying and being aware that some of the people I worked with were younger than me. So trying to not wait to do things in my own life that are important.

[21:07]

And also not waiting to say something to someone I care about, something expressing my love, or not waiting to have a difficult conversation because they don't know for sure. You know, we never know how much time we're going to have or what might happen to us. Yeah. Another experience I had last week, I went to see the film Fruitvale Station, which some of you may have seen, a very tragic story of a 22-year-old man who was shot on New Year's Day by BART police. He had no idea when he went to the city with his partner for New Year's Eve and with his friends that he would not see his daughter again or that he would not see his mother again. And so don't wait.

[22:11]

I think that's a very good reminder of doing the things that are most important to us and telling our loved ones that we love them. This young man, the day... Before he died, he bought crab for his mother's birthday dinner so they could have a gumbo. And he did express his love for his family. So the next one, finding a place of rest in the middle of things, learning to come back to your breath. I think that's another gift of our zazen practice. to learn to find a place of rest. When we sit on the cushion and things may be very difficult in our lives, we're able to breathe and create some spaciousness and carry that into the day.

[23:22]

Take some time during the day to breathe or to notice your walking, to notice sensations in your body or to listen to sounds around you and to find ways of renewing yourself, even in the midst of a very full day or the midst of a difficult situation, to be able to replenish. And the last of the fives and hospice precepts, which all of these, I think, are not any different from what we learn in practicing zazen or meditation. The last one is cultivate don't know mind. And that is so valuable to be able to come to a situation freshly,

[24:27]

not expect things to be the way they were yesterday. And it's certainly that way when you visit people who are dying, because they may change greatly from day to day. But it's also that way with children, so noticeable. I have a friend who had twins two years ago, and I see them about every six weeks or so. And each time they are so different. in terms of what they're noticing, what they're doing, they're beginning to speak, they're beginning to play with words, not just speak, but make jokes. And it's quite amazing. But even people we know well are not the same every time we encounter them. So can we keep an open mind, a don't-know mind, in various situations that we encounter in our days?

[25:35]

So those are the Zen hospice precepts. I think another thing that can be very helpful when we're working with transitions, whether it's loss, positive or negative, You know, changes in our lives may be very joyful. And I remember a study, reading a study one time of what causes stress. And it's often things like we don't think of as stressful, like going on vacation. But preparing for vacation may be very stressful. And, you know, or... having a child, a wonderful event and also very stressful, starting a new relationship, any kind of change, whether it feels like we're gaining something or whether it's a situation where there may be loss.

[26:41]

And actually there's usually a mixture of both. To mark these changes in our lives, with ritual, with celebration or mourning, whatever seems relevant, is a great way of acknowledging the change. And there are many rituals in our practice here, but rituals we can create at home or anywhere in our lives, Celebrating birthdays is a ritual. Celebrating, noting anniversaries of someone's death can be embedded in a ritual. I belong to a synagogue, and I just got a letter from the synagogue reminding me that my mother's

[27:45]

It's called the anniversary of her death is coming up. And so if I go to synagogue that weekend, the congregation will stand with me and her name, my mother's name, will be read aloud. And it's a very helpful ritual. So every tradition has its own rituals for acknowledging and honoring significant passages in our lives. And then the last thing I'd like to say about dealing with these everyday traumas and changes and losses is developing compassion for ourselves and others. Really... treating ourselves and others kindly, especially when we know that someone is having a difficult time, to try to tune in.

[28:57]

Do they need space? Do they want to talk? What is the best way to relate to someone who's grieving a loss? I mean, I don't know that there is a best way, just what is the way that you can connect with that person or with that part of yourself in a kind, compassionate way. So, yeah, Jarlene Cohen, who was a wonderful teacher and who died a few years ago, taught about suffering and delight, that in the midst, she developed a way of working with her own physical pain. She had rheumatoid arthritis and was in a lot of pain for many years. But she learned to notice flowers in the garden or a cloud in the sky or a smile of someone she was close to and began leading groups for people who were experiencing suffering, whether it was physical or emotional, and learning how to find delight even in the midst of

[30:10]

of pain. So that's where I really love this poem about peaches. So I'm going to say the last verse one more time, and then I'd love to hear if you have any comments, questions, or want to share some of your own experience. So, there are days we live as if death were nowhere in the background, from joy to joy to joy, from wing to wing from blossom to blossom to impossible blossom to sweet impossible blossom. So thank you for your attention. And would anyone like to bring up a question or comment? Yes. Could you repeat the five of the precepts one more time? Yes. Welcome everything, push away nothing.

[31:13]

Bring your whole self to the experience. Don't wait. Find a place of rest in the middle of things and cultivate don't know mind. And I have a bookmark from Zen Hospice Project, which has them, which I can give you at the end of the talk if you'd like. Any other questions? Did any of those particularly resonate with you? We all kind of get it was a combination of feather-touch and sledgehammer. Just sometimes being present for everything is daunting, especially when you know the outcome. My mother has cancer. I don't know when, but I do know that it's coming.

[32:17]

So sometimes it's very hard to be pleasant to that. It is, it's very hard. It's very hard to be completely there, just to feel like if I'm there completely, I'm just going to work out. And she kind of needs to be strong. The rest part is the fourth one. You know, I think we often think we have to be strong when somebody's suffering, but sometimes sharing that pain, your own sadness about it, may allow a different kind of connection to come. So I would just invite you to question that you have to be a rock. And thank you very much. You spoke about the movie Departures, and the young man who was a cellist.

[33:24]

And I know you are a cellist. And I wondered if you identified with something in his musical nature, kind of went into his sensitivity and the work he was doing. Is there any connection? I certainly did identify with him in some ways. Let's see how. You know, I think learning an instrument can, it is a kind of practice and it helps you listen. And I think in a way he was able to recognize the gift his teacher, not his cello teacher, but the person he was learning how to take care of the bodies from, to recognize that as a great gift.

[34:25]

And it reminded me of tea, actually it reminded me of tea practice, which is very detailed, and where the movements, so when... this young man was learning how to prepare the bodies for cremation. It was like watching a dance. There was a way that the body was dressed in a new kimono, and it was all done very mindfully, I think mindfully would be the word I would use, like tea ceremony. And I think Like many of the ceremonies we do here, there's a lot of attention to detail how things are held and where they're placed on the altar. And that all seems very congruent with practicing an instrument or practicing anything that we practice, anything we love that we practice and pay attention to.

[35:37]

It carries over into other parts of our life. So I'm not sure I answered your question, but anyway. And I certainly love the cello music in that film. I've been trying to remember the theme so I could play it. Richard, did you have a question? I think it's, I think it's being aware of how, well, how much we don't know. You know, I find myself really curious about a lot of things. And I, like I, for example, I could think of something Something you may take for granted, but for me, it's amazing that you can make a teacup out of clay and then glaze it and drink from it.

[36:45]

You know, the skill involved or how does that come together? You know, just looking around the garden, there's so many different kinds of plants. Why do some grow better in the sun and some in the shade? I think I can start looking at things and just questions start coming. But not necessarily needing to know the answer, but asking the question. Yes, definitely. I think asking the question is more important than knowing the answer. I would say there are many more questions I have that I don't know the answers to than ones that I might... might have an answer to, might not be the answer. There's that wonderful, there's a koan, a story about Dao Wu makes a condolence call.

[37:47]

You know that one? Dao Wu is a teacher and he takes his student to make a condolence call and the student knocks on the coffin and says, tell me teacher, alive or dead? And Dao Wu says, won't say. And they leave this place, and they're walking back to the temple, and the student again says, teacher, tell me, alive or dead, and Dao Wu won't answer. And the student gets really upset and says, if you don't tell me, I'll hit you. And he hits his teacher, and then Dao Wu suggests that he maybe not go back to the monastery because... The head monk might not be very happy to hear that he hit his teacher. So he goes wandering, and then at some point he hears some chanting. I think it might have been a chanting about Kuan Yin. It might have been a chapter from the Lotus Sutra.

[38:50]

And he suddenly has an awareness of his teacher's compassion in not telling him, you know, who knows the answer to that, alive or dead. And keeping that... leaving it open, the mystery, not giving an answer that might or might not fit for this student. So he came to see the teachers not telling him and maybe not knowing as an act of compassion. So I think there are many questions for which we don't have answers, and it's great to ask questions. I think another way of cultivating don't know mind is realizing that each of us brings to any situation our own conditioning. So, you know, we may have different ways of looking at things and different answers for the same question.

[39:52]

So being curious about someone else's perspective can come from that. Yes. It's in process. It was fun. I was trying to write about my morning while it was happening. So I was writing and it was interesting because the man sitting next to me started talking about Allen Ginsberg and We had heard Allen Ginsberg read, and he was telling the other man, who was from another country, all about the beat poets, and it was really fascinating to sit there. So anyway, I'm still working on the poem, but I'm going to go back because they also, they told me that they were among the people who had planted the flowers in the beds on that sidewalk garden, and they invited me to come back and...

[41:03]

I'm going to try going the same time another morning and see if they're there. It was really a delightful surprise to have that conversation. Thanks for asking. So I think that's the 7.30 bell, which means it's time to stop. But I'll be standing outside if you have any thoughts you want to share afterwards. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[41:54]

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