December 8th, 2001, Serial No. 03938

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in zip
history is true
good morning

so some of the faces here i recognize and say i don't
how many people are new to
what did you go down and said
i'm some of us have been sitting for
some amount of time and some of us have been sitting for less amount of time but
the mind that we sit with is the same same mind
who believes her
it's true
the way it's true is is that our true nature the mind of our true nature the mind that we ha or given as a gift from being a human being just like that just because we're human beings we have this gift
gift as our true nature and xr
it's our ah what can i say deepest deepest connectedness
it's the mind that that is that it doesn't even have to know it but it is their mind

if we if we know that mind it really doesn't make any difference if one were sitting we are restless or in pain or full of
doubt regret jealousy and so on
because we know those things to be passing shows to be so much
so much entertainment that we can choose

who are not

this buddha behind me michael i think this is right this from gondar
this buddha
i feel funny thing behind me as
i don't feel it behind exactly
comes from a place in the world that's a having a great deal of suffering now
and yet
can sit just that way stable upright
unmoved unmoving not unmoved but unmoving in the midst of it

one way begin this path of awakening
we begin it with mine that has been conditioned by whatever it is that we happened to be born into whether they were born with a
certain kind of skin a certain kind of height certain kind of mind certain kind of environmental conditions whatever
those we can say causes and conditions produce a mind in us that was very useful for very long time it was useful because we had to figure out how to get have it basically how to survive through old enough for us
to take care of ourselves
the problem is is that usually the people who raise us
are are not stable and clear themselves
and so usually were raised in conditions where we have excessive
can we say coverings over of this mind that is our true nature
so when people come to zan in the beginning what we see usually at first as a lot of confusion
and when people sit down at first what they say is a mind that is just bouncing off the wall

so the first part taught you know zan what zen tells you is just be present
well thanks you know
what a good that does
and you know
the sad part or you can say that one or more part is that basically that's gonna be the instruction period you know just the present
so there you are on your cushion completely
diluted in the sense that the ego that we think is us the ego self is way dominant
way down it so the mind as all over the place you have lots of things that you're considering you know good and bad you think you're certain kind of a person you think everybody else is a certain kind of a person and basically underneath it quietly alone in bed at night you feel really alone
and that's true
and it's true because all of the
all of the voice as the habit voice as the habit patterns are maintaining this sense of separation
yeah probably so that we can survive
it's a handy thing
so it's actually kind of a good thing it's not a bad thing it's good thing is just then it gets over worked against the dharma becomes dominant
and the truth of it is it become so dominant
we begin to feel some people do anyway some people never do what i'm gonna tie
like for example when this whole thing started when i'm
ah the united states on september eleventh was hit you know
for those two weeks it was really really really interesting to watch you know before we started bombing everything was really interesting to watch but you a particularly to watch or president mr george bush president george bush
at first he was you could he was kind of fire
didn't quite know what to do it was kind of
shaky did you get that feeling about him so little bit to a little bit open a little bit unsure a little bit not kind of grounded little bit
and then this little bit by little but you could watch his self come together and by the end of the two weeks he knew who he was had grabbed onto something to do the something to do that was out there was making his situation stable solid strong
clear as a bell to him and he was on the right side
and somebody was out there who is evil and bad
it was simple black and white no problem i know what to do i know who i am i'm ready i'm going to take care of it gonna bomb everything
and you know a secret secretly inside i was thinking that i'm sorry to say this but i really am sorry but the thought come came up to me and my and myself and i said well good bomb everything you know kill everything
get the guy
but i was but it was a painful thought to me cause i know that united states and afghanistan and everything else in the world is dependent lake or isn't this is not an event that happened to united states for no reason you know
anyway so there was our president bush completely filled with delusion
and not seeing that that's the case
and the same thing is true when we sit in zazen at first but then there's something in us that realizes that the way we've been doing things and the mind that we're doing it with is not working on some level
so some part of us comes up with a vow
a vow to awaken his combo a cheater
we would like to wake up and really understand the world at a deeper level than just good and bad
so he began to sit
and the mind begins to develop a certain amount of attention a certain amount of awareness

and what happens is the more you develop a certain kind of awareness a certain energy behind being present
immediately almost immediately
upcoming the hindrances the egg yourself as going and you know the hindrances actually even though they seem really are you can't get through them there really is kind of superficial it's the first defense of the of the ego structure you know it doesn't think it's really very much threatened law so it
just send out a few hindrances just to distract us
anything to keep us not being present
it really so we've been great we we start grabbing after enlightenment is one of em way resist things we fall asleep in size and we have doubt
we are we are put on the other ones
hey to he has a version of got the other ones look them up
but anyway oh another one another big one is intellectualized to understanding the dharma i'm going to understand what's what's happening here we think that understanding well work and the the ego structure goes fine i had understand that what about just what about their haven't asked to sign that do this
if i just this to very busy very busy big distraction
baked distraction
so as instance we understand that that's the case
we're still pay attention
can we go deeper we get past the hindrances our little ego structure is getting teeny bit nervous but not too nervous
we keep sitting we keep paying attention we kept coming back to the present we keep watching
and we begin to see patterns of behavior
now the eco structure
his kind of watching what we're doing very interested now

we usually pick something that's pretty easy to watch kind of mostly on and gross level
were caught by something were present enough to see what happens before it and before that and before that we often see that in zazen but by now we're developing enough attention so that it's leaking into our daily life
so the kind of presence that we're developing on a cushion is moving into our daily life this is necessary
and then we really begin to say things we begin to see behavior reactive behavior that we do something happens boom i'm outta here that's one
or something happens boom and you know i hate that person you're such a jerk buffer you know basically something happens and we become this machine
we think are we think we're right we're doing the right saying we think we're helping ourselves we're going to be happy if we leave if we avoid if we're not in this argument or whatever whatever our usual habitual survival mechanism patterns systems are that's what comes up
those reactive patterns and that's what we begin to see we begin to see them and we ran to think wow this is really at the end of this pattern i am i suffer
deanna this pattern
and we get more more attentive
more tender and our as and deepens
and there's zazen is taken into the life into our life
the first thing that we see when we see these patterns these and we and we see that they're suffering at the anna we think that these patterns and they are actually huge and this is the next kind of
you know onslaught by are but i'm calling today anyway or ego self the next onslaught is that we believe that this pattern that gets us into so much suffering is huge demonic
i we have no strength where we feel hopeless in it's in it's wake
and the reason why we feel that way because even though we're really really watching it and we know it's going to end up and suffering we can't help doing the very same thing
at this point practice gets really embarrassing
before this point it wasn't a problem that we got into some kind of situation where did our old habit pattern we thought it was why it was smashed somebody tons of saffron coast for other people as well as ourselves and we and we were justified you know we were doing the best way could we baba about whatever it was not
a problem but now we say that this pattern is something that we've done over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again
right right
and we say now where it's going we really don't want to go there and we are completely
taken away you know i remember when time it was just so harrowing i was just ended a relationship with somebody
no to tell the truth they ended the relationship with me
an obviously graphically if i tell you the rest of the story it had to have been that way so i still wanted a relationship so of course know and areas most the time relationship just doesn't like and a kind of fritters away sort of especially for the person is still wants it to happen your kind of you know
know that they actually you're not having this relationship and you don't want to you don't you don't want to but you'd get in the car and you drive by the house
are you know you know that you shouldn't call you just know do not please don't pick up the road
so this this place in practice and very very embarrassing because you see yourself who do the behavior and you know you really don't want to be doing anymore but sure you don't have the attentiveness yet the energy of your attention is not enough to not do it
it's not enough so we set back to say want more attention more say
then what happens anyway this is i'm telling you this story but
couple things one is you know it's no good as a story unless you have that experience yourself that's the first day and the other thing is this is just my story about it today i mean i
you know pay it with a grain of salt is lots of ways to to continue your practice but
ah my bail for so carriers
the next thing that happens as kind of interesting the next thing that happens is ah that you are watching these patterns and i mean at this point you know that you're just watching a patterns you're not intellectual lighting them hopefully anymore
you really just watching and this is a good place like cohen and i don't mean all the old classic colon dang but and cohen like is like for example if you wanna watch something like respect
let's say you are having less of feelings around respect what you would do is you just have that word in the back of your mind somewhere because you know you're studying it
back there's it's clear this is what you're studying you want to be studying everything you can know about respect
yourself and respect so every time something happens that you know somebody didn't quite bow to you quite enough or you don't feel like bowing to another person or you feel slighted in some way or so all of those little instances are we
really carefully observed vis-a-vis your on which in this case as respect
very is a very interesting time during in practice
so and then what happens is what happens is it that at some point the pattern that you before new was going to end up and suffering but were too
really inattentive really to stop yourself from doing it
now your attention the energy behind your attention is strong enough your presence is strong enough you say the pattern you see everything that has to do with it all the way back and you no longer do the behavior and this is also really interesting time in practice because you've done that behavior for so much that when
some kind of something another person or whatever comes toward your or a certain kind of thought
comes towards you you know who you are because this is how you respond
but when you no longer respond that way you don't have the slightest idea who you are
and it's a very kind of funny place you feel the age you feel when that happens is about the age you were when you needed to develop their particular pattern
can interesting so sometimes people feel like fifteen when they drop a certain pattern or eight or fiver to you know
yeah no that's true and you just stand there i know you don't know you don't have another behaving only know that you're not gonna do that one that's for sure you're not to that when but nothing else has come up
and you know in a way the reason why i think you don't see anything else come up as become leap i'm jumping love it here but
is because we don't at that point we don't yet know yet that our life really is doesn't come from here out our life comes from everything toward us and creates us in response if you're really there for it so we're in we're in a place where we
think we need to have a response from this point we need we think we need to develop another ego self
but and then that's exactly what we're not candidates who has been good to be in a place where you really don't have a behavior automatically to put out there better you just stop and wait to watch and then if somebody holds out their hand you put your hand out and you shake and
real easy

you know it happens next
thank you

what happens next is really interesting it's kind of a transition place
when we want to remember here that what we're doing is we're really kind of dismantling the self were studying what we think of as a separate may
the image that last week anyway i was kind of playing with is is that these behaviors that i'm talking about is kind of a kind of like a the outside of a tube let's say are the structures that we think we are than but the structures are really only serve
rounding is
this emptiness and from the middle of it there is no self their the self really only is in a certain kind of way just these outer structures that we attached to and think are so valuable to us
so we're kind ended with slowly dismantling these walls that keep us separate from our from our true life which is the life of everything altogether
so this next stage is kind of interesting
my well okay i asked the next stage is interesting because it's a transition stage
what's happening is at this point the structure of the self where these reacted habit patterns or began actually beginning to fall apart now
and this is a really important moment
the reason why it's important as because if we're not really attentive at this point we get whipped back into the old habit pattern
with the strength of the energy that we've been building and attention
so you have to be really really attentive so when these structures are beginning to fall apart when we both feel kind of afraid and hopeful at the same time and what were asked to do again is simply stay present continuing to watch very carefully what
however the habit pattern is that you been studying
and if we do that carefully and gently and determined les
at some point
that structure
will fall away
and what you say is you see the dharma you see the truth of our existence
you say that this
structure is surrounding no self
and you have seen the dependent colorizing
of all of it and because you've seen the dependent arising of all of it you have a really clear picture of the suffering of the of some of the uncaused suffering of the world it is nobody's fault
so you see suffering and it's cause
you see selflessness
you say emptiness
you feel concentrated your heart is open because it already is open there's just no wall in front of it
and you feel connected
and every one
who practices like this has these kinds of experiences we have a little and sites big insights and so on many many many many all along the path

so they they're that and then if you want to
you know it it's really kind of no big deal if if people want to you know pursue that kind of thing some people will you know some people who are are are interested in studying the self
can can do that buddha but as it offers yeah this this way and like i said in the beginning all were asked to do is stay awake as stay present keep coming back to the present moment
because that's the tour through all of those yeah in this case i'm sorry to say steps and stages through all of that way the only thing we're asked to do as please just stay present just be awake and stay present just watch what's happening is all there
in front of you

so it's kind of don't think it would take me that one
i bought a book with me in a raid but i won't the book i bought was ivan ilyich death of ivan ilyich
then and the death of ivan ilyich it has a miserable life and he dies
and in pain and misery and stuff i have but at the end he forgive
so i was gonna connect it is is that the in the end when you say this whole pattern thing he really forgive you forgive yourself and you forgive other people whom you feel hurt you
cause you've walked through the whole thing and you can say
it's really just tragic it's not a his fault as just sad tragic that we
ah have their life that we have because without practicing attention human beings are really dangerously insane
so please go out and be present as much as you can and don't attach to what you say just keep washing with gentleness and with kindness and just keep being present and maybe we can all kind of find a way
to a little bit dumb
what well as it's a nicer life but doesn't show yeah this is fine
i'm done