December 13th, 2002, Serial No. 03924

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it's fame
i don't have an umbrella i mean i do have an umbrella i have a half and the kind that you can see
that falls into itself you know i keep it in the car the because sir
the car usually if i parked the car him a lot farther away from where i'm going to than i am from my house to hear
i keep it in the car

but when it's raining as it is this morning
kind of heavily
i don't have an umbrella from my health here
so when i walked outside the door
the weather
was there
he was raining
he get it
it really is raining
things really are the way they are
it was it a draining and i got were
hum this session has been really interesting for me because hum
i know why but for some reason
maybe it is because i have to be very careful because i have a torn tendon on the top of the hamstring on my left leg and the back and the and the ten and that tendon attaches to the city mo
so i can be too much on the left side consent it
know it in my know a despot didn't feel good
and the right side and just a teeny weeny bit of fiat i guess so i can pull me to it and left i had to really be right in the middle and and an off the city was not quite on the sittingbourne
so i pin careful attention this time to my posture to pain
and i think it has helped me to really be present and sitting and so i didn't have any
i didn't want the bell to ring it any other periods really so far
but i haven't necessarily been happy
he practices not about ha
cares and getting better and space and lives had a kind of mine states for some experience
happy being happy

it's about being able to be with things really the way they are to where they actually are
without programming
are having to
ha controller or jj or
grab on to add a push it away or just
able to just be with
not not even with just be
so we have another
some many hours
the session is still happening and it's not over until it's really over
so we still have time
not time actually
because if we're really present
moment this moment this moment
ah there isn't any time

so we have to be careful because on the seventh day it's very easy to let time slip back in
the tyranny of time
it's really easy to let the past
i maybe that's what you've been doing and an ashtray
but it's easy to think that the past it had some real reality and it's easy to think that the feature has some reality in that they have to be dealt with
hypnotic that's not my experience really
my experience is is that if we really are able to surrender to what's happening right now and by that i don't mean like resignation or i don't care for
no various item averting from it or whatever i mean
letting what actually is happening being open to that that that's what i mean by surrender surrendering the past and future surrendering control surrendering self centered ideas surrendering the need to define things yourself or
self or anything else
learning all at past
and just letting the definition of who i am be come up
they're all together
that's what i mean
and then if something comes up that we need to take care of we can take care of it

so tonight we have this ceremony and she says her money
i think the idea of as she ceremony we can say i think is that it's a kind of an intimate meeting of us and the shiso
so we want to bring the she so a question that's we care about or just present ourselves truly and then she so can meet us back and in that way that kind of brings that you sell out
i hope that happens tonight
it's hard to think of a question
and then
it almost as a matter with the question is i mean in a certain sense i just said it you should get something is meaningful to here
but you know either we can't find something that it really is meaningful or the thing that we think really a meaningful we know a dancer is
you know i mean we do really often know that inside and you can go through lots of different answers i'm into lot of these ceremonies
that's what happens you know you try to think of something
anyway do we do the best we can come up with something that at least at the moment you really have some
a commitment to

so i even though i'm saying that the session isn't over until it's over
i do wanna say though that there that we do need to be careful some of us anyway
need to be careful moving from session back into our regular normal world
because even though whatever we think we are more tender and more open
so we have to be a little bit careful

so i would suggest you know trying to use the forms of your daily life
to help you

help you continue developing this continuity of presence that
we've been talking about
and you can watch it's really interesting to watch how during this transition time from this kind of safe cloistered environment
back into the regular world away grab on to see right now we've been practicing not grabbing onto thoughts
but notice pretty soon we're going to be grabbing onto the ones we really think we need to have an order to make our way through the world
i am selling so that person is certain rush him so and i know what the relationship is like and i understand what's happening here and i'm kind of in control everything's gonna be okay i'm safe because i know what everything is already
and we keep grabbing for ground this kind of solidity where there is none that's why we get into trouble
so watch it it's interesting and and watch the ones that you believe that's even more interesting we pick out of all the thoughts that we could have and there are many we pick a few maybe
five at the most now our repertoire is really dull
born very boring and if you've heard the same thought over and over this wig for same for your thoughts maybe five if your creative eight
but basically the same ones you know i'm a failure that person's a jerk i'm a jerk that person's terrific
variations on that mostly
yesterday when i was in the world the real world
they say
it's madness
her driving on the freeway
hello there is low and the him the right lane
how has this of going along was there
but i guess i didn't see this card for the left of me
and i the car wanted to exit to the right of me and they kind of push they didn't just kind of cut me off and friend they kind of almost pushed me over and a white car
and then
he was really interesting where his bus i wanted to be angry but
i didn't have the energy of anger but would have it was at least i wanted to beep the horn
respect for new thing so i couldn't find the horn i have
that we've helped you haven't really fast from my hands kind of wet
and why the time i kind of nowhere the horn rats
the car had already passed to there
so i had this moment of real disconnect where i kind of their with a situation where theoretically i could have been angry and kind of wanted to be but
my by service couldn't get it together smith
so as hello and i had the outside kind of
outside it felt like an empty shell as i can empty shell and i have the outside facade of getting angry but inside there's nothing here are accrued so what an angry
food me

but i had this other this other thing happened to me that was really interesting
i was driving on the street and a woman cross the street and she was bent over and cunning gimpy it can be a real word can be in one leg and she was limping
and i think the top part of her by it wasn't wasn't doing very well either
and i had this thought and the thought i had was cripple you know
and that can be a neutral word with nothing real extra tied onto it but the feeling that i got was it was immediately it was a separation
he was very interesting moment for me because
because i had made a separation and you know it hurts
it just hurt
i didn't even know didn't know anything about her nothing there was just as site
perception there was just a perception and boom i put a label on it and boom mid separation
and you know the response i had with kind of like was more like
like that
it was like
i didn't
i didn't you know make a judgment out of it it wasn't even that much
he was just a label
oh and
it made me just a little bit sad but you know we have these thought
the damn ourselves for having a thoughts their condition thoughts so we have them all the time
but we don't have to buy into them and
and anyway even not buying into them the even show just having a perception and labeling it makes an object and if soon as you make an object you have a subject and their separation there in the hurt

so during this time when we leave session i go to our regular new lives whatever they are notice how we did at which one should we grab onto which ones are our favorite stories
which ones are the ones that we can identify as me
my thought my truth
in numb
when you said
you know there's a thought comes up and i thought goes away
and i'm sure that you guys now you have thought then you come back to present and then there's a gap before another thought comes up right
that gap is very important
note that gap is really interesting because nothing's happening in the gap
you're awake alert aware right
but nothing no thought
when thought gap thought gap
dualistic consciousness nando consciousness dualistic consciousness
the that's that's
an important moment

i don't think it matters so much ah
you know
whether we call ourselves acceptable or not accept the molar ha happy or sad or good or bad
ha regretful are
whatever it is
those things don't really need to go away although much of our work is you know what happened having those things fall away because that just happens to more were present
but ultimately it doesn't really make any difference
doesn't matter if we're you know if i can say this but amish what came to mind mentally you know twisted up or anything like that
what matters only is our ha

had a bumper
what matters is only our attitude toward who we are can way simply accept
can we surrender
to what is actually
can we just be who we are
and just be
without having to mess with it

i used to think compassion was a feeling
you know that if your heart was open new kennedy you know when your heart is open when you're in love and you have these fluttering so hard enough i used to think that he had to develop a feeling to have compassion and i don't think so anymore
i think that kind of feeling is in love you know in right
or loving or something
but i think compassion is just the
willingness to be there the willingness to be with
compassion i think that would it mean come as with her passion is with what cash on me
suffering oh yeah passion of christ surgery with segments asset
i don't think you have to have this feeling of you know whatever
just a willingness to be who we are first compassion here on this side for the ball first
our willingness could be with our own suffering just get it
or be with their own happiness or be with her own neutral ness you know or be with our own whatever it is
with awareness that gap
that gap place that oh that kind of awareness is healing fundamentally healing to just be with
surrendering to now
forgetting the tyranny of time
pre getting the call of the past the call of the future pay attention to may pay them to the may
me me me me me
holding to self centered thought
is the misery of our world

we can trust things as they are

brought this poem
and luckily i also brought my classes

this is called a final affection and as by paul zimmer
you know i just pulled a palm out
because i wanted to read your poem because you know palms a close closer then i think than the pros and i don't even know if this poem was close
but i about it anyway

because yesterday i mean to be talking about the trees
it's called a final affection
i love the a come now
i start again
i love the accomplishments of trees
the great storms and pacify the very worms that eat them
even their deaths seem to be considered
i fear for trees loving them so much i'm nervous about each scar on bark each leaf that browns
i want to lie in their crotches and sigh whisper of son and range to come
sometimes on summer evenings i step out of my house to look at trees propping darkness up to the silence
when i die i want to slant up through those trunks so slowly i will see each rib of park each whirl up through the canopy the subtle veins and lobes touching me with final affection
then to hover above and look down one last time on the rich uplift things the circle that loves the sun and moon
to see it last what held the darkness up
i read it once more
i love the a compliments of trees now i made that same mistake
i love the accomplishments of trees how they tried to restrain great storms and pacify the very worms that eat them
even their deaths seem to be considered i fear for trees loving them so much as i do
i am nervous about each score on bark each leaf that brown's i want to lie in their crotches and sigh whisper of fun and range to come
sometimes on summer evenings i stepped out of my house to look at trees propping darkness up to the silence
when i die i want to slant up through those drunk so slowly i will see each rib of bark each whorl
up through the canopy the subtle veins and lobes touching me with final affection
then to hover above and looked down one last time on the rich uplifting
the circle that loves the sun and moon to see it last what held the darkness up

we can really trust our own
experience our own loves you know our own basic instinct or on in most desires
because i think that they come from a very deep place in us that actually we all belong to you know this deep place
when grab one time asked people in the practice period to come to him individually and just say what their their deepest reason for practice and was i forgot what the question was actually furniture
but then he listened and he told us later what happens i'm telling you he listened and person after person after person basically said two things
every single person no matter where they came from or what their story was or how long they've been practice and he didn't make it any different
basically what they wanted to do was understand emptiness
or they wanted to have the heart and love of a buddha
they wanted to be with human beings through through wisdom through wisdom right into the heart of the buddha

i think that's what we want you know i truly believe we're all good basically inside
we don't have to maxilla
we just have to be the person we are fully as we can and that's the gift that we give each other
when you see somebody stand up like that it encourages her
so we have another
some amount of periods of the day
to practice just being who we are
let's go do that