I was supposed to say to me, [...] to me. Good morning. As you know from being part of it, we had this annual Suzuki Roshi Memorial this morning. And sitting just there, I had a wonderful seat from which I could watch each person as they expressed what seemed to me to be something heartfelt.

[01:32]

The appreciation, the gratitude bubbling up and being given over to the finder of these three temples. And then from there, many other temples. I was thinking, not during the ceremony, but later. I was thinking of, you know, we rehearsed the ceremony yesterday. The rehearsal was a pretty casual affair. What do we do after that? Oh, then we do this. Oh no, stand a little bit more over there. And then we did the real thing. What in our lives is the real thing?

[02:41]

And do we get to rehearse it? Maybe we do. Maybe we, in our Zen practice, we rehearse and rehearse and rehearse until sometime, maybe of our choosing, or maybe it just arrives within us. It's the real thing. I remember many years ago, decades ago, sitting chanting the meal chant and then all of a sudden realizing what I was chanting and being totally struck by it, being heartfelt about it, what that chant was saying.

[03:47]

And I was thinking of the alchemy of practice. Sometimes it seems we're all enchanted in our own notions of reality, our own fears and hopes, in the construction and preservation of a self. And yet, bearing witness this morning to one after another, people just dropping the self and bringing forth appreciation and gratitude. Is that it?

[04:56]

Is that how we meet the moment and turn it into the real thing. This kind of inquiry is the wind of our practice. In the early suttas, it talks about the state of inquiry that actually reveals and calls forth the way. And sometimes the early suttas will say what it's not and leave that part missing. It's not great concentration. It's not sufficient.

[05:57]

It's not... great aesthetic renunciation. I've come to think, after practicing for decades, that each person is challenged in their own unique way. And each person has the opportunity to realize through inquiry. Dogen Zenji saying, to study the ways, to study the self. And this process that we call Shishin, There's a lore about Sashin, for those of you who haven't done it before, and for those of you who have.

[07:10]

The first day has a kind of energy of newness. Oh yeah, right, we're going to do this thing. And then the second day we start to settle. the energy of the newness starts to dissipate. Sometimes the second day is thought of as the most difficult day. And then the third day, often, you start to come out of that second day slump and start to be here. You know, it's amazing if you think about it, that in three short days you can be a different person living a different life from what you're usually doing, from what most of us are usually doing.

[08:25]

And that alchemy, blossoms into appreciation and gratitude. And sometimes we have our moments where we see ourself being ourself. Ah! No wonder I do that when I have these kinds of feelings. No wonder I don't do that when I don't have those kinds of feelings. And of course, it's foolish to think all of this unfolds on a timetable. It's foolish to think that you're guaranteed to go through some kind of alchemy.

[09:40]

I was talking to Victoria about a week ago, and we were trying to remember a Zen student who became a cocaine dealer. and apparently a very successful one, a very profitable one, because he would drive up in his white Porsche and make handsome donations. It's not guaranteed that you'll drop the cells. I would suggest to you, as you're settling in, learn as much as you can about through watching and feeling what comes up for you.

[10:55]

It's information on the self, your version of the self. information about the world as you see it with your eyes and ears and heart and mind. And I would also add to that, be as kind to yourself as you can. Undoing the knots we've tied in our lives is not a product of forcefulness. It's more a product of discovering, well, this knot is just a construct. And even though I'm habituated on it, still, it's just a construct.

[12:05]

this morning, as we went through, in a heartfelt way, rather than a rehearsal way, as we went through this ceremony, it sort of brought something to life. In many ways, that's the aspiration of our practice. we have these particular forms that we do. And we could all mumble through them and blunder through them in a half-hearted way. And then the whole thing would become a farce. Why are we even bother? And yet, The very same forms, if we do them in a heartfelt way, if we pay as close attention as we can to each detail, something comes alive.

[13:25]

There's a way in which the Buddha Dharma starts to deeply make sense. I'd suggest to you, this is the exploration of practice. This is the wind of Sashin. This interplay managing our constructs, the interplay between managing our habit energies, the interplay between that and allowing something and inviting and supporting something to unfold.

[14:43]

I would offer you this notion. If you think, oh, well, it's obvious how to do that. And I will just assert a persistent, dominant energy. Not to say there won't be consequences to that. But more to say maybe in simple terms, maybe more to say, there's an easier way. And that when we make that forceful effort, usually it has a dualism to it. This is what should happen and this is what should not happen. Suzuki Roshi said,

[15:59]

among many other things he said, he said, maybe the most important word is maybe so. I'd suggest to you, when you notice yourself being adamant about what exactly is practice, just try on maybe so. Can you become, as the Shusso said yesterday, curious about the self? Can you become curious about the process of practice, of Zen practice?

[17:02]

I'd like to talk. Oh, before I do that, I'd like to talk about energy and how it plays a role in this. But before I do that, I'd like us to do an energy experiment. So if you would put your hands on your lap. And then... about moving your right hand up in the air. But don't get as close to moving as you can without actually moving your hand. And as best you can, notice what it is to activate your arm, your right arm, with the intention

[18:06]

And then you can stop that intention and just let your right arm come back to rest. then we'll do it again. And as you do it, can you not only go through the process, but can you notice as deeply as you can how it feels, how it engages the mind, just everything about it, if every detail of it can be a teaching.

[19:14]

So think about moving your arms release that notion. What do you notice about the mind? What do you notice about directing attention? What do you notice about sensations in the body, in the arm, in the hand? This is virya, the fourth paramita, the practice of intentionally and attentively engaging and being invited by what happens

[20:56]

into experiencing more fully the moment. And in the realm of virya, often virya is described initiation, effort, persistence, continuation, energy. To me, I was thinking that this morning's ceremony was heartfelt engagement. A kind of energy was evoked. tending to our arm and the sensations within it, the kind of energy is evoked.

[22:13]

And in both those examples, there is a doing, you know? Maybe if you really wanted to hone in in precise way you could say there's a dualistic doing. Maybe so. And still each year we do an annual memorial to our finder. period of zazen, we attend to the sensations in the body, the sensations of the breath, the heartfelt activity of our being, the ways in which our mind, our consciousness conjures up

[23:35]

something, some construct, and experiences the impact of what's being constructed. And that happens almost endlessly during Sashini. we attend to what I'm calling effort? When it's intentional, can we attend to when it's arising out of our conditioning or intention to

[24:43]

is to be fully present with body and mind. And then we notice we've been swept away for moments, minutes, even longer by some construct in our being. Can we pause? notice, acknowledge. As Dogen says, when you find yourself who you are, practice occurs, actualizing the fundamental point. That moment of noticing is a teaching. It's not simply not doing what we said we would do or not doing what we should be doing.

[25:44]

It's an expression of some heartfelt aspect of your being. In Genjo Kahn, Dogen says, and the enlightened are greatly enlightened. about this karmic construct that we create. I tend to think of it as, well, it's a teacher. It teaches so much. It teaches all the Pali Kana. It teaches all the Zen koans. It teaches the devotion. of the Pure Land schools of this.

[26:49]

Can we be kind and appreciative of our own process? Can you forgive yourself When your mind wanders. When you make a mistake with your areoki. When you start chanting the wrong chant. When you didn't notice the time and you arrived late for a period of zazen. Okay? That's what happened. we're exploring is what arises when something happens. What we're supporting each other to do is engage in that exploration.

[28:08]

And so we return. We return to awareness. in our moments of noticing and acknowledging. And as we do that, we return to the body, breath, and mind of being heartfelt. Whatever that is, it's an exploration. traditional way to get in touch with it is allowing the inhale and releasing the exhale. Breath after breath. Infusing the body with that allowing of a softening and an opening of

[29:21]

infusing the body with the exhale, with a releasing and a letting go. Will you ascend to the pure land where there's no interruptions to that process? Maybe. Probably not. But certainly you're quite likely to have moments of it. They might be a whole period of zazen or they might be just the sign of the passing jet plane. Either way, And as we discover the process of giving over, perseverance takes on a flavor of continuance.

[30:46]

Sometimes we might be tempted and we might indeed pause and congratulate ourselves. Oh, I'm making progress. I'm doing it right. I'm having the right kind of experience. Just more constructs. Can they be just met with curiosity and appreciation? Such is the nature of self. And in those moments when we give over, when we can, either through directing our attention or just what arises, when we can feel the energy.

[32:07]

Then again, we can congratulate ourselves. Or... We can just marvel at how complex and varied the human condition is. Half hour ago, I was in the thralls of some heavy emotion. Now I'm appreciating the light coming in the window. What an amazing thing it is to be human. And in some ways, all four of these variations, they dance together. Sometimes as we make our initial effort, we can feel the energy.

[33:21]

I hope you felt something just examining your arm as you intend to move it. And this can be helpful to remember, that even as you start to sit, there can be, as you align your body, you can feel to feel the energy of a body. Maybe you feel it in a particular place. Sometimes it illuminates where you're feeling tight. Can you hold that sensation of tightness A patience.

[34:33]

Can you notice where the unpleasantness of it stimulates contraction, reaction? And if that's what sweeps you away, that's what sweeps you away. patience, forgiveness. If you can explore it and something opens, something opens. Explore that. It's all our teacher. This is our practice. Sometimes we make a detailed ceremony. We tell each other, oh, you should wear white socks during this.

[35:41]

This is very important. Sometimes we tell ourselves and each other, your chopsticks from your bowl to your mouth is the most important thing. It opens the Dharma gate of repose and bliss. Sometimes Noticing as thoroughly as you can how the inhale is experienced. Can be a powerful teacher.

[36:53]

shed light on the many ways in your life, you don't allow things to happen. Someone said to me recently, they said, when my mind starts to settle, it can feel menacing And I thought of one of the verses towards the end of the, not the Blue Cliff Records, the Book of Serenity. And it says, one of the comments is, why does this intimacy seem like intimacy? does this intimacy feel menacing?

[38:04]

Sometimes the expression of self is challenged by just opening to the moment. And that can feel uncomfortable. Of course, our rational mind can say, oh yes, but it's in the service of awakening, so all to the good. But in the closer workings of our being, sometimes it feels like the self is our best friend and we want to preserve it at all costs. Of course, sometimes our self feels like our worst enemy. But either way, intimacy with the self is a delicate matter.

[39:19]

Can we remind ourselves of that as we make our effort? And I would just like to end with a poem I read during the practice period by Pablo Neruda. It's called Keeping Quiet. I thought this was fit for Sashin. Now we'll count to twelve and we will all keep still for once on the face of the earth. Let's not speak in any language. Let's stop for a second. and not move our arms so much. It would be an exotic moment. Without rush, without engines, we would all be together in a sudden strangeness. Fishermen in the cold sea would not harm whales, and the man gathering salt would not look at his hurt hands.

[40:33]

those who prepare green wars, wars with gas, wars with fire, victories with no survivors, would all put on clean clothes and walk about with their brothers in the shade, doing nothing. What I want should not be confused with total inactivity. Life is what it's about. we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving and for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves or of threatening ourselves with death. Now I'll count to twelve. You keep quiet and I will go. It's a delicate process.

[41:49]

And every one of us is fully equipped to do it. And every one of us will do it the way we do it. And we're challenged to discover exactly what the teachings are through close attention to our doing and our non-doing. Thank you. As you say, man.

[43:04]

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[43:34]

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