Welcome to the Wednesday talk of the San Francisco Zen Center. Tonight's speaker is Nancy Petron. Nancy first came to Zen Center as a farm apprentice and one of the first ever farm apprenticeships at Green Gulch Farm. She lived at Green Gulch and Tazahara for several years before moving back to the city with her family. but not for too long because she worked as head of our development for a number of years and now is back in residency at the city center and is currently our head of practice. So tonight she will be our speaker and I will offer the opening verse and she can begin. And I'm surpassed. penetrating and perfect dharma is rarely met with even in a hundred thousand million kalpas having it to see and listen to to remember and accept i vow to taste the truth of the tathagata's word

[11:06]

Good evening everyone. Can you hear me okay? Yeah, great. There's a lot of background noise this evening on Page Street, it seems. Cars and dogs and some kind of a chorus or something happening across the street. Anyway, you may hear some background noise. Yes, as Brian said, my name is Nancy Petran, and my pronouns are she, her. I'm speaking with you from City Center, which is on the unceded land of the Ramatush Ohlone people. Okay. So as we arrive, into a supported, comfortable, upright posture or attitude.

[12:31]

Noticing as we arrive the reverberations of what was happening as we turned on our videos and settled in the energy of the day. What a feeling of aliveness is here for you. Taking a few long breaths. noticing the shifting of awareness. It's been a difficult week bearing witness to so much suffering in Ukraine, people's lives.

[13:39]

So many people's lives just shattered from one day to the next. Here we have come together, together in Sangha, for those using closed caption, that's S-A-N-G-H-A, or community of practitioners, community of those who have committed to living an awake life, an awakening life, committed to exploring our fullness and what that means, our human fullness and what that means.

[14:51]

So if you feel comfortable, I would ask us who are willing to turn on our videos for a moment and that each of us can just take a moment to scroll through and take each other in sangha. And of course, if you don't feel comfortable turning on your camera, please do not. of us shining our corner of the world.

[15:59]

Thank you, everyone. And please turn off your videos if you feel more comfortable that way. I really want this to be a comfortable space of belonging. So as many of you know, since late January, we have been participating in an eight-week practice period, turning the theme of refuge with senior Dharma teachers, Christina Lenhair and Paul Haller. You know, what it means. to engage in the practice, the practice of taking refuge, the practice of creating refuge. And what is it that we return to?

[17:09]

What is it that is true? What is it that is unchanging? And this part of the teaching which is really kind of got me in taking refuge that we create refuge for ourselves and for others. In taking refuge, we create refuge for ourselves and for others. This week, I was in conversation with one of the residents here at Zen Center. I don't know her very well at all. And we were talking a little bit about Sangha community.

[18:13]

And I told her, I shared with her that I grew up in Catholic community, actually here in San Francisco. And she asked me, how did that feel? What did it feel like? And her question, the way that she phrased it kind of caught me off guard. So when I paused to actually see how that felt, I think I went to a very old place of belonging, a very old place of of community. And it was a wonderful feeling that I connected with Catholic San Francisco in the 1970s. It was a wonderful way to grow up in community.

[19:19]

And that came up as I checked in for, you know, a moment. And then what came pretty soon on its tail was, you know, as I became an adult, that what I was tuning into the teachings that I was hearing at mass and that it began to feel very narrow to me. It began to feel very defined, you know, what was allowed, what wasn't allowed. And as I grew in that awareness, I became quite uncomfortable. And my friend Tova shared this collection of poems with me, and I'd like to share this with you from Joy Harjo.

[20:22]

poet laureate, the first Native American poet laureate of the United States. And in her collection of poems called Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings. Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings. She says, each human is a complex, contradictory story. some stories within us have been unfolding for years others are trembling with new life as they peak above the horizon each is a zigzag of emotional design and ancestral architecture all the stories in the earth's mind are connected.

[21:25]

Each human is a complex contradictory story. Some stories within us have been unfolding for years. Others are trembling with fresh life as they peak above the horizon. Each is a zigzag of emotional design and ancestral architecture. All the stories in the Earth's mind are connected. So this description of each human sounds very familiar to me. It sounds to me like the one who takes the cushion who sits on the cushion and takes my place, sitting down in Zazen with the fullness, with the fullness.

[22:34]

And I say sitting down in Zazen, it could be lying down in Zazen. It could be whatever posture it is in which you engage Zazen with the fullness of our humanity. the complexity, the contradictory, and the unfolding, the folding and the unfolding of very familiar stories. And then that little fresh life, this to me, the fresh life, our human experience. Each moment new. So as we sit down in Zazen, And all of this settles, you know, and then the little sense, the little taste, perhaps, of refuge, of a sense of belonging or a sense of freedom, belonging to the Earth's mind, a belonging to our true nature.

[23:41]

So. my question, taking refuge in Sangha. And how do we create Sangha? How do we create this culture, a culture of belonging, a culture where each of our bodies, as my young body did, feels safe, feels a sense of belonging, looks around and sees myself that each of us see ourselves reflected in the Sangha and know that there's a place for us here in this Sangha. So taking refuge in Sangha, how do we create this sense, this sense of belonging in Sangha? How do we develop a sensitivity to

[24:49]

each other's experiences. So in 2018, after a lot of many, many years, I would say, actually, Paul Heller was reminding us of this the other day in a conversation of working here at Zen Center, working on diversity, working to create this culture of belonging, of inclusivity. And in 2018, this effort brought an initiative where San Francisco Zen Center committed to a set of agreements, they're called agreements for multicultural interactions.

[25:53]

And these agreements are agreements that are posted throughout the temple. They're a part of our reconciliation process. So the request of people gathering to meet and to take up the issues at Sun Center or residence meeting, any kind of meeting where we are coming together is to actually engage, to practice with these agreements, to hold these agreements together. So I think it's important to actually look at the history of where the agreements originated and to give credit there.

[26:55]

So these agreements came from a nonprofit called Visions Inc. and Visions Inc. was founded by three black women who grew up in legalized segregation and a white Jewish man. who grew up in the civil rights movement. And they created this nonprofit and brought together many agents of change in the fields of education, psychology, law, religion. And with this question of how do we include people who have historically been excluded from predominantly white and mostly male institutions? How do we create within the organizations as they are now room for everyone to thrive, to thrive and to stay, to belong?

[28:10]

So the request for us to take this up here at Zen Center from leadership at the time, for me, I understand it as a reminder, a reminder that as we gather, each time we gather together, that there is actually the potential to be changed, to be changed by each other, to be seen, to be heard, to be reflected in one another. And I'm going to actually, let me see if I can do this, Brian. This is, I hope, that is the PDF. I go to everyone.

[29:12]

Let's see. Let's see if it goes now. Yes. So that is the PDF of our agreements for multicultural interactions. And I guess the other thing that I have in turning these again, and I want to go through this, but I wanted you to have the PDF because engaging in this way in whatever meeting we're in, I think of as a lifetime practice. They keep changing for me, different ones come forward. So I'd like to just read through these with you. You can just listen if you would like, you now have the PDF for later,

[30:15]

So you can put that aside for now. But as we take these up, perhaps there's one that is alive for you. Again, this is a lot of practice. This is a lifetime of practice. And the reason that I wanted to bring this forward tonight is because I feel as though this really is here and available for us and it is already a part of this sangha and the work that we're doing together. So you can listen as I go through them. Try it on. So here we are and this is that we're entering into a gathering where ideas are going to be shared and voices are going to be shared. We're creating a safe place for everyone to participate so try it on be willing to try on new ideas or ways of doing things that might not be what you prefer or are familiar with practice self-focus attend to and speak about your own experiences and responses

[31:42]

Do not speak for a whole group or express assumptions about the experience of others. Understand the difference between intent and impact. Try to understand and acknowledge impact, denying the impact of something said by focusing on intent is often more destructive than the initial interaction. Practice both and. When speaking, substitute and for but. This practice acknowledges and honors multiple realities. Refrain from blaming or shaming self and others. Practice giving skillful feedback.

[32:46]

Move up, move back. Encourage full participation by all present. Take note of who is speaking and who is not. This is up to each of us to track. If you tend to speak often, consider moving back. If you do not speak often, consider being courageous and stepping forward. Practice mindful listening. Try to avoid planning what you'll say as you listen to others. Be willing to be surprised to learn something new. self. Listen with your whole self. What is being said under the words?

[33:57]

Sensing into each other. Confidentiality. Take home learnings, but don't identify anyone other than yourself now or later. If you want to follow up with anyone regarding something they said in a session, ask first and respect their wishes. Write to pass. You can say I pass if you do not wish to speak. the difference between intent and impact I think for me this has been very alive I see very much where immediately I want to defend my intention and learning to step back to feel that come up but to step back and be undefended you know what is it to be

[35:15]

undefended and say sorry and actually take in what someone has shared and really feel what impact I have had on someone, usually very naively, ignorantly. That's such a growing place. I think that most of us think of ourselves as very good people. And what is it to really open ourselves to hear the impact that we have on others without defending ourselves as a good person, our good intentions. So as I was just reading through those, that was really a lie for me just this evening. And in terms of this creating a culture of belonging, the agreement that has really been alive for me is stepping up, stepping back.

[36:25]

And I've been noticing lately how, you know, I think that this is, you know, making room for all voices, as Joy Harjo says, of the Earth's mind, for all voices to have space to step up and step back. I notice I have an internal clock that if things go on in silence, beyond that comfort of being in silence together, I feel that I need to fill it with my voice. I need to intervene, interject myself somehow in this situation. So can I step back? and stay there for a while. And also, all of these agreements are about actually staying in the conversation, staying in the conversation.

[37:35]

As a community of practitioners, I believe it's so important for us to stay in the conversation and perhaps notice when we're stepping back and disengaging, you know, stepping back and disengaging and removing ourselves from an uncomfortable conversation, you know. So each of these practices of us to give over in a way. Each of these agreements asks generosity of us to allow ourselves to be changed and

[38:48]

to change and be changed. So that awareness, that awareness that we cultivate in our zazen of giving over, you know, giving over to a place of freedom. So I'd like to end with the teachings of our 13th century ancestor Ehe Dogen and his teachings on the Bodhisattva Four Methods of Guidance. In the four methods of guidance, Ehe Dogen, so there are four methods that he says for living the Bodhisattva way of life.

[39:58]

And the first is giving. And then actually the next three are also based on giving. So what I hear Dogen telling me is that it's all about giving. It's about giving over. Paul and Christina introduced the paramitas as the next place of exploration and taking and creating refuge. So when I heard giving, you know, I always think of Eh He Dogen because so many things in that fascicle are so beautiful. So much of Dogen's writing about giving Some of it makes sense of it to me and then all of a sudden I'm completely lost as happens with Dogen. But there are some things that he said back in the 1200s that come to me often from this writing.

[41:14]

So I offer it to you And again, you can see what resonates for you, what pops out for you. When you leave the way to the way, you attain the way. At the time of attaining the way, the way is always left to the way. When treasure is left, Just as treasure, treasure becomes giving. You give yourself to yourself and others to others. Buddha said, when a person who practices giving goes to an assembly, people take notice.

[42:17]

You should know, this is Dogen, you should know that the mind of such a person communicates subtly with others. Therefore, give even a phrase or verse of the truth. It will be a wholesome seed for this and other lifetimes. He says, this is all because the giver is willing. So I think Dogen is speaking about our agreements for multicultural communications. Back in the 1200s, as did the Buddha. When a person who practices giving goes to an assembly, people take notice.

[43:21]

and Dogen, you should know that the mind of such a person communicates suddenly with others. Therefore, give even a phrase or verse of the truth. It will be a wholesome seed for this and other lifetimes. Stories in the Earth's mind are connected. Brian, I think that's probably more than enough for one evening. We have time for some questions, but shall we have our closing chant first?

[44:22]

Yes. We'll do that now and anyone can raise their zoom in. May our intention equally extend to every being and place with the true merit of Buddha's way. Being are numberless I vow to save them delusions are inexhaustible I vow to end them Dharma gates are boundless I vow to enter them.

[45:26]

Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I am about to become it. Anyone who wishes to have an interaction? or a question. Thank you everyone for stepping back and making plenty of space.

[47:01]

I think that was my interjecting moment now. But I do want to encourage if there's anyone who has a question who doesn't normally speak up. There's space for you to do so. if you have something you would like to share. I see a hand. congratulatory emoji.

[48:02]

There we go. Hey, Raven. Are you able to unmute Takedo? hear me, Brian? Yeah, we can. You're on. Great, great. Thank you for your talk, Nancy. Sorry, I've been walking, so I'm out on the street. I've been listening to you as I walked home. Yeah. Hi. So I want to ask about repair and pride. So I had an incident recently where I sent a very short, only two sentences, but really cranky email to a couple of people. And the people that I sent it to, two of the three of them were people of color in my life, in authority roles in my life, actually.

[49:16]

And they called me out on it in a really strong way. As you know, sent me materials on implicit bias to study and, you know, kind of addressing, it's fine. It was fine. I'm still working. And I'm feeling really embarrassed to re-approach them to sort of continue our relationship. Like I'm feeling like whether or not, like I'm still sorting out how I feel about what happens and whether or not I even am able to believe or like trust that it was like my implicit biases as a white woman speaking. So yeah, that's something I'm still turning over. But right now the thing that's coming up for me is, you know, I am embarrassed or just reluctant to like email to ask them, you know, a work related question. Yeah, so I guess I was wondering if you could speak to repair and pride and also being gracious enough to know when to bow out and step back also, you know, like including that piece that like sometimes stepping back and giving space is the wise and more heart-centered thing to do.

[50:25]

Anyway, there might be some noise, so I'm going to put myself on mute, but I would love to hear what else you might think. Okay. Thank you, Takodo, for sharing that and for bringing it to the Sangha. And I just had this conversation today with someone who shared with me that she is BIPOC and she was working with a colleague And someone that she was very, very, very close to for many, many, many years. And that this person, white body person, said something to her that she found so unbelievable.

[51:28]

Like she said that she was just floored by the remark that this person had. And and that actually that they didn't. And she called her out on it and they didn't talk for a year. She shared with me and that finally she reached out to this person and the person said to her that she actually had been working with the shame of it for all of that time. So I'm really, I acknowledge it's a very different situation that you're bringing forward and that these people are in up power roles, as you said. And I just, I think that to let it settle actually for a while is really,

[52:33]

is stepping, as you said, stepping back and really kind of seeing what is there, you know, and maybe not engaging in the relationship too soon. Or if you need to reach out to them for practical matters, even just acknowledging that that happened and perhaps sending it to the side, even acknowledging, I don't know at this point what to do with this. Does that help at all, Takudo? I don't know if you can not unmute. And then I would also say that to continue, oh, there you can unmute, okay.

[53:40]

To continue exploring this. Yeah, I just was able to unmute, yeah. Yeah, I think that to continue exploring the situation with people who you trust and who you trust are also taking up this work. I would, I would, Seek wise counsel. Wonderful. Nancy, thank you so much for that thoughtful, spacious answer. I feel like I have a lot of a lot of room in there to keep making sense of this. So, yeah, I appreciate you. Appreciate you to talk to. Well, I believe this is our cue to close. Thank everyone for coming and you should be able to unmute and say thank you and good night if you wish.

[54:48]

And I will say thank you and good night. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, Brian. And thank you, Christina and Paul for asking me to speak this evening. Thank you. Thank you, Nancy. Thank you so much. Good night, everyone. Thank you, Nancy. Thank you, Nancy. Good night, Nancy. Good night. Good night. Good night, Nancy. Thank you.

[55:22]

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