This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everybody. It's wonderful to be here with you in the evening hours as opposed to with many of you in the daytime hours. So as Kodo... said in the introduction of me, I am a mediator. And it's something about myself that some people know and many people do not know. I became a mediator over a decade ago, really because of my experience living at San Francisco Zen Center and recognizing how poorly we deal with any kind of difficult feelings. around anger and conflict.

[01:01]

And through the years that I lived there, I decided that I would start studying my own communication in the hopes that by cleaning up how I communicated, it would somehow make a difference to my Bodhisattva vow. And our Bodhisattva vow is to save all beings, which of course is an impossible task. But I interpreted my particular commitment to the Bodhisattva vow to be as clean and as clear in my communication as I possibly could. And by learning how to mediate and becoming a mediator, I could somehow make a difference to the suffering of others. And that was my commitment to mediation. So I continued to mediate. I feel like it is my passion and it is my dharma. So whenever I give a talk anywhere, I always talk about how practice and communication come together.

[02:13]

And I like to try and inspire people with courage so that they can step into having their own courageous conversations. And this is what I'm going to talk about tonight. And to start this talk, I'm actually going to ask you to join me in an exercise by using the chat. So if you'd be willing, take a couple of seconds to answer this question in the chat, just a word. What other words would you use to describe anger? What other words would you use to describe anger? put those into the chat. What other words would you use to describe anger? Frustration, intensity, pain, fire, rage, heat, hate, difficult, confusion, intensity, aggression, scary, freeing, upset, contraction,

[03:28]

Fear, explosion. Thank you. So many different words that underlie this one word, anger, which we use all the time. So here's a second question. Again, please just drop some words into the chat. What feelings come up for you when you think about the word anger? What feelings come up for you? when you think about the word anger. Shame, rage, regret, constriction, excitement, sad, hurt, fear, thwarted, fear, sad, avoidance, heat, fast heartbeat, scared, defensive, halo-less, lack of control, worry, threatened. Thank you. Thank you for joining me in that exercise. So, so many ways of interpreting this one word that we use all the time, which is anger.

[04:38]

So I'm going to spend some time this evening deconstructing this word in the hopes that something might be helpful for you as a result of this talk. So I'm going to introduce one way of transforming disconnection interconnection by focusing specifically on how to have what is commonly called a difficult conversation. I prefer to think of these dialogues as courageous and vulnerable communication because these are the qualities it takes to transform anger and aversion into compassion and understanding. As the poet David White says, the courageous conversation is the conversation that you don't want to have. The words we heard growing up shape how we understand ourselves, how we interpret the world, and how we treat others.

[05:38]

Words are one of our primary ways to reach across the mystery of each other, bridging gaps and crevices, so we can seek to thrive, not divide. I consider having a difficult conversation all for the purposes of... of our talk tonight, a courageous and vulnerable conversation to be skillful means. And it is one way to practice right speech. Right speech is one of the steps on the Eightfold Path, which is one of the principal teachings of Buddhism. The definition of right speech is abstaining from speech that divides us, harsh speech, abusive speech, lying, and frivolous speech and idle chatter, also known as gossip. And I want to take a moment to bring our awareness to the word gossip. It is a word that's used to disempower and demean women and undermines the connections that some women seek with their kin. It is not a word that is ever used in reference to men.

[06:43]

And I just want to acknowledge that I'm talking about the binary here. It is an unkind word used as a weapon against women. I request that you consider the impact of that word and think about using a fuller expression when noticing that word coming to mind. Skillful speech is the willingness to adapt the way we communicate to the interests and level of understanding of others because our goal is to connect. You might have to work to find the right tone or presence or words. to make sure you're speaking in a way that the person listening can understand. It's important to remember that the message sent is not always the message received. So although you may think you're saying something clearly, it may not be clear to the person listening. It is often how misunderstandings arise. Our words are misinterpreted or misunderstood.

[07:46]

And a rift happens often because of a perceived breach in trust. When we notice we're feeling disconnected or shut down, it is at this point we have a choice. We can either retract and distance ourselves from the person who has hurt us, feeling angry and resentful and pretending that we don't care about them. Or we can take a risk that requires courage. and ask the person if they would be willing to have a conversation about what transpired between us. We're not taught to wade into difficult and emotional conversations. If anything, we're trained to avoid them. We tend to identify anger as something bad, and we try to repress it and not deal with it. Or we act out in ways that can be destructive to ourselves and to others. In general, we tend to avoid conflict. but we hamper ourselves emotionally if we're not able to express ourselves.

[08:48]

You can think of anger as the morning light on the dashboard of a car. It's giving you useful information about what the engine needs. You wouldn't ignore it. You try and figure out what the light is pointing to. Anger is a warning that you need something. Anger has two main expressions, outward and inward. Some people experience anger in a held-in way, which manifests as sadness, depression, despair, and lack of motivation, while others express anger outwardly in ways that can be frightening and out of control for both the person expressing the anger and the people on the receiving end. Anger is created by thinking of the wrongness of others, which can lead to blame and disconnection. It is the action of believing our thoughts that ends up with us feeling judgmental and separated. One of the first times I had Dokusan with Reb Anderson at Green Gulch Farm, he said to me, don't believe your thoughts.

[09:56]

I didn't understand what he was talking about. Who was I if I didn't believe what I was thinking? But in the intervening years, I've come to realize the wisdom of his words. And when it comes to deconstructing the troubled waters of our minds, this statement bears fruit. When we meditate, we observe our thoughts and we become familiar with the ways our minds work and the stories we have about ourselves and others. These nooks and crannies of our mind tend to hook us in and can lead to feelings of separation. So with practice, one reason we call meditation a practice, we can see what thoughts and judgments lie underneath the feelings of separation and aversion. It's important to separate out the stimulus or trigger of our anger from the cause. In other words, it isn't simply what people do or say that makes us angry.

[10:58]

It's something within us that responds to what they do or say that is really the cause of the anger. Often an interaction triggers something from our childhood that is lurking in the nooks and crannies, waiting for the right time to come to fruition and take us back to a time we felt disempowered and like we didn't matter. So it's important to separate the trigger from the cause. The cause is our thoughts and our judgments. The trigger is the thing that happened that created the thoughts. At the base of anger is always the thought of the wrongness of other people for behaving as they did. It's helpful to say to yourself, I'm feeling angry because I'm telling myself blank. Or, the story I'm telling myself about X is the following. And then observe your thoughts. This is exactly what we do in meditation.

[11:58]

We observe our thoughts and we don't believe them. With practice, we can realize that our thoughts are leading us to a conditioned response. And when we see this habit, we have the opportunity to do something differently. It is the lens through which we interpret somebody's behavior that can lead to separation and withdrawal. In our words, judgments, interpretations, and assumptions are often the root cause of disconnection. When we've had a conflict or a dispute, or when we feel misunderstood, we often feel disturbed and distracted, and it can be hard to focus on anything else. We want to ignore the person that has hurt us while pretending that we're fine. When we don't have a calm mind, it's hard to feel grounded, and the tendency towards unskillful speech increases. as our minds are charged by strong emotions and hindered by negative thoughts.

[13:04]

Courage can empower us to take risks, to step into the space that is opened by asking someone you are angry with to have a conversation. It takes courage to approach someone who we feel upset with and ask them to be in dialogue. We often feel vulnerable and anxious when we're upset. And not knowing how the other person will respond adds to our tension. The risk is heightened when talking to someone in a power-up position or talking across race and class. These dialogues may thus be supported by having a third person present, someone who both parties agree to be a witness. Yet stepping into vulnerability is where reconnection can happen. It is from this tender place, our soft underbellies, that new understandings can be built and transformation is possible. The first step in preparing to have a courageous and vulnerable dialogue is to figure out why we're upset.

[14:13]

Sometimes it's very clear to us why we're angry or sad or frustrated. But at others, the upset is so deep or has been going on for so long that the reason has become obscured. When we're feeling triggered, it's often helpful to find someone we trust and ask them to hold space for us while we express our feelings. This is for the purpose of cooling ourselves off, regaining perspective and expressing our stress in positive ways that can be healing in the long run. This person could be a trusted friend, a teacher, a mentor, a therapist, a family member, a co-worker, or anyone who will not stoke your fire. Their job is to hold space and bear witness. They are in essence a sounding board, and they're holding lightly what they're hearing without agreeing or disagreeing. You're not asking for their opinion, nor is it helpful if they express theirs without your invitation.

[15:19]

When people give us advice that we have not asked for, it can be disconnecting. as it shifts the focus from our inner experience. We suddenly find ourselves having to listen to what they're saying and weigh up their words when we are in the throes of sorting out our own inner turmoil. So a piece of advice. If someone is telling you about something that they are struggling with or a difficult experience that they have had, don't offer advice. Instead, reflect the essence of what you're hearing them say, which will help them feel like you're really listening to them. The value of this witness exercise is that you can talk fully, unskillfully, and thoroughly of your experience, knowing that the person who is listening is not making judgments about you or the person you're expressing feelings about. They are simply offering their empathic and compassionate presence.

[16:21]

This is the value of this type of witness expression. It's challenging to come to a place of empathy and curiosity when we're upset and angry. We first need to get the energy out so we have a clearer head from which to consider our next steps. Expressing feelings with emotion is different from venting. Venting feels great in the moment, but it can make you feel worse in the long run. This is because venting can increase your stress and anger rather than reduce them. It's not easy to turn away from angry thoughts. Sometimes they're so compelling and almost bewitching, but it's important to be conscious that it's our thinking and our judgments that are at the root of our anger. It's how we interpret a situation, how we look at it, that creates our anger. It's crucial that we take responsibility for ourselves and our conditioning when getting to the root of conflict. There is no right...

[17:23]

and wrong in any rift. There is each person's experience, and because it is their reality, it is valid. Conflict does not fall on the right-wrong binary. It lies in the in-between, between my conditioning and yours, and the stories I'm telling myself about you. It's important to know that you can disagree with another person's opinions, you can disagree with their doctrines, but you can't disagree with their experience because it is their own personal outlook on life and therefore needs to be respected. A crucial part of this process is listening. Listening is an everyday art. Listening is more than just being quiet while others have their say. It is about presence as much as receiving. It is about connection more than observing. Real listening is powered by curiosity.

[18:24]

It involves vulnerability, a willingness to be surprised, to let go of assumptions, and take in ambiguity. It is never in gotcha mode. The generous listener wants to understand the humanity behind the words of the other and patiently summons one's own best self and one's own generous words and questions. When we have expressed our feelings to our trusted person and feel karma, we're more able to have a different understanding of ourselves, our feelings, and our reactions. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[19:27]

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