This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. It's so wonderful to look around this room and see so many wonderful faces. Some I'm so familiar with and others that are complete strangers. particularly to the people who are here for the first time at Zen Center, I want to welcome you and wish you good morning. And also for the people who are online here, we live stream all our Dharma talks. And so to the people who are watching this talk from near and far, I also welcome you. So my name is Siobhan Cassidy, and I'm not Linda Ruth Cutts, who was scheduled to do this Dharma talk.

[01:00]

So if any of you came specifically to see Linda, I apologize. You have me instead, and I hope I do a decent job standing in for her. She had something come up, so she couldn't be here today. So yeah, my name is Siobhan Cassidy, and I've been studying here at Zen Center since 2000, and I've lived in community on and off at all our three Zen temples since then. And I also am fortunate enough to work for San Francisco Zen Center, so I find myself not only involved in my spiritual practice here, but also it is a huge part of my sustainability, for which I'm very grateful. And today I'd like to talk about Sangha and the role that community plays in our lives. and also about how to keep those connections vibrant and healthy using courage and vulnerability.

[02:02]

In Buddhism, the word for community is Sangha, and it is the third of what we call the triple treasures in Zen, also known as the three jewels in other Buddhist traditions. The triple treasures are the concepts and places we go for refuge. In other words, They exist as a place of safety. And if you step on to the path of Buddhism, these three facets are the cornerstone of every Buddhist tradition. They form part of the foundational teachings of Buddhism. So the first of the triple treasures is Buddha, the second is Dharma, and the third is Sangha. In Buddhism, we make a commitment to take refuge in the Buddha as a teacher, in the Dharma, which is the teachings of the Buddha, and the Sangha, which is the group of people that come together to hear the teachings of the Buddha.

[03:05]

So if you take a moment to look around, kind of unusual thing to do at Zen Center, but if you take a moment to look around, all of you in this room right now are Sangha. Together, we've created a community this morning, for the purpose of listening to this talk. And to that end, for this moment in time, we all belong together. There are as many different reasons as to why we all find ourselves in this room today as there are individuals. Being surrounded by people who have a shared interest or a similar curiosity is one step on the path to belonging. And creating community with like-minded people enables us to feel less alone. Belonging is a basic human need, and it's one that we all crave. It might be one of the reasons that we're all in this room this morning. We all have a need for connection and belonging.

[04:09]

So why is a sense of belonging so important? And how does Sangha or community promote a sense of belonging? When we reflect on our lives, it is the times when we have felt excluded, dismissed, not seen, and not appreciated for who we are that are the most painful. And we have all felt and continue to feel the discomfort of those feelings. As human beings, we all yearn to be seen and heard because that is the root of belonging. Many of us still carry painful memories from the times when we have felt that we didn't belong. when we didn't feel seen or heard and we ended up feeling like we didn't matter. It's very painful to feel like we don't matter because it invalidates our experience and our lives and it can lead to us excluding ourselves when we feel like we don't belong. When we see ourselves reflecting in others, see ourselves reflected in others and we meet people who have similar interests, we can start to feel like we do have a place and that maybe we do matter.

[05:23]

Feeling like we don't belong is actually a shared aspect of our collective humanity and one that is often overlooked. We all feel excluded at times. We just do a good job of pretending that we do belong. And some people move with a confidence that belies their sense of not belonging. But scratch the surface and the need to belong and the fear of exclusion is alive for all of us. One example of this is a daily occurrence at Zen Center. Each of the three temples, City Center, Green Gulch Farm, and Tassajara, has its own sangha, its own community of practitioners, and it shares forms and ceremonies. So in other words, you can go to any of the three temples, and if you're familiar with any of the three locations, there will be a recognition as the forms and ceremonies are the same throughout. One thing that all three temples share are communal meals.

[06:25]

So three times a day, you have to choose where to sit in a dining room. A dining room full of people who all seem like they know one another. It's an experience that can be uncomfortable and that can feel so awkward. When I first came to Zen Center, I found meals caused me anxiety as I felt so out of place. And finding somewhere to sit was stressful. I didn't feel like I belonged to this community, and choosing who to sit with became a source of nervousness. And as many of you know, we have a silent table at all the Zen temples, which became a great friend in those days. I could take refuge in the silent table. So I feel a sympathetic response when newcomers or guests enter any of the Zen center dining rooms, because I can imagine some of how they might be feeling. wanting to feel a sense of belonging, yet not feeling that they have a place here. In those instances, it's important to invite people to sit down and join a table if the opportunity presents itself.

[07:32]

Walking up the front stairs of this building can also be intimidating. And for some people, it takes a certain amount of courage. And also, since our tradition is inward and focused and quiet, Sometimes Zen Center can be interpreted as being unfriendly. And who wants to enter a space where they don't feel welcome? But you are all welcome here, so please continue to walk up the front steps and know that the usual social norms do not apply here. Being friendly and kind is a quality of spirit that, when directed at someone, invites an initial sense of belonging. This need to belong is one reason we are drawn to community. Being part of a group is one way to quell that tender part of ourselves that feels like we don't belong. So this self-selecting group of people, all of you today, with a shared interest and curious minds, because of all of these reasons and because you are here in this moment, perhaps for some of you there might be a sweet shoot of belonging.

[08:43]

As Maya Angelou wrote, The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. Belonging comes from a recognition of who we are and seeking out communities of people who reflect our interests and who we can learn from. By finding people, with which we have a shared interest, or by becoming part of a group, we can begin to explore in a safer context the parts of ourselves that we may keep hidden when we're out in the world. The self-protected carapace that is necessary when we live in an urban environment in order to survive can start to soften so we have an opportunity to thrive and grow. When I first came to Zen Center, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

[09:46]

One reason was because of my accent, and the other is because I am unusually pigeonholed, not unusually, commonly pigeonholed as an extrovert, which at Zen Center is quite rare. There's a saying around here that Zen Center is a place for introverts who do not like to be alone. So over the years... I have had to accept that I'm quite unusual for this community, and I've come to appreciate that it is important to be truly myself and not try and make myself smaller and quieter for other people's comfort. But it was a bumpy ride at times, especially as I didn't often see my extroverted self reflected here. So I could be self-conscious... And I found myself watching how I acted and being critical of myself and therefore critical of my environment. This criticism was so tiring.

[10:49]

And as the years went on, and as I continued to be part of this community, I found an appreciation for this aspect of my personality and discovered that the only reason I felt like I didn't fit in was because I was telling myself that I didn't fit in. Being seen is a big step. towards feeling like you do fit in. In this group, we all imagine that each other are curious about Buddhism or Zen. It's likely that that is why you're all here on a sunny Saturday morning. The actual particulars don't really matter because just being here together in this moment for the next 40 minutes is the most important thing. In this moment, at this time, on this sunny Sunday, Saturday, We all belong together in this group of people who have chosen to spend the next hour together at San Francisco Zen Center. When we feel we belong, we're able to let our guard down. We can take risks, we can be vulnerable, and perhaps we can begin to share our deeper selves in the hope that we might be met with acceptance and understanding.

[12:02]

Feeling seen and heard and like we matter is our basic human needs, and we all share them. They're needs for every single one of us. And since needs are universal, it enables us to feel a sense of belonging if we stop comparing our insides to somebody else's outsides. It's an adage that I really love when I first heard it many years ago. This adage to not compare your inside to somebody else's outside is helpful to remember because it enables us to see our stories. If we take a step back, we can see that we are imputing our ideas of somebody's life and comparing them to our own. Social media is a particularly good example of this. It's easy to compare our lives with what seems like the exciting and successful lives of our friends. Social media can leave us feeling not good enough. Or like our friends' lives are so much better than our own, and we end up feeling...

[13:07]

a certain amount of self-judgment and suffering. And also we start doubting that how we're spending our time and the quality of our lives is meaningful. So this phrase about one's messy insides and other people's glorious outsides helps us to see what we are doing. We're comparing the perfect lives and successes of those around us through the lens of curated social media. Constantly reminding us that that we are not living the full and fruitful lives that we should be. But it's all an illusion, bought on by the human tendency to see other people more favorably than we see ourselves. When we are feeling like we don't belong, when we think there's no space for us in a particular community, try and look inward and see if you're comparing your insides to somebody else's outsides. The space that can be created by that realization, can allow something different to happen.

[14:09]

In other words, you do not have to believe your thoughts. Maybe that person is feeling shy or like they don't belong or like nobody likes them. It can turn our inner discomfort and self-judgment outward and enables us to connect with somebody who might be feeling as alone as we are in that moment. So the next time you feel uncomfortable or like you don't belong, Try and catch yourself and see if the suffering is coming from the fact that you're comparing your insides to somebody else's outsides. And I'm not saying that this is an easy practice or that a sense of belonging is something that happens quickly. But I do think that if we shed some light on our feelings of not belonging, a feeling excluded and left out, that we can begin to reflect on where the disconnection begins. And maybe, once we've recognized that tender place in ourselves, the place where the disconnection begins, we can take ourselves gently by the hand and guide ourselves towards connection.

[15:19]

And it takes courage and vulnerability to move from disconnection to connection. So how do we do that? If the absence of understanding is the basis of disconnection, then conversely, the presence of understanding is the foundation for connection. So if the absence of understanding is the basis of disconnection, then conversely, the presence of understanding is the foundation for connection. And one way to build understanding between people is by stepping into communication that takes courage and vulnerability. Courage and vulnerability are two important qualities that are crucial when trying to build understanding. As the poet David White says, the courageous conversation is the conversation you don't want to have. Practicing courageous and vulnerable communication is a skillful way to avoid divisive and harsh speech and practice right speech.

[16:26]

And right speech is one of the steps on the eightfold path. And the Eightfold Path is one of the principal teachings of Buddhism. The definition of right speech is abstaining from lying, divisive speech, abusive or harsh speech, and frivolous speech and idle chatter, which can also be known as gossip. So skillful communication is the willingness to adapt the way we speak to the interests, needs, and level of understanding of others. you could think of it as taking 100% responsibility for the way that you speak to others. We are not taught to wade into difficult and emotional conversations. If anything, we're trained to avoid them at all costs. But when we meditate, we become intimate with our minds and we learn to watch our thoughts come and go. Zazen is the practice of intimately entering into the naked vulnerability of being human.

[17:29]

Alone on our cushion, we become one with our particular life and the comings and goings of breath, thoughts, feelings and sensations. Meditation reveals how many fixed ideas and habits of mind we have, how many judgments and expectations we carry around with us and shows us all the good reasons we have for avoiding uncomfortable situations or people even with whom we've had a misunderstanding with and perhaps who we're even in conflict with. Meditation can create the insight needed to be aware of our internal formations, and it can help us to start untangling our inner knots. We tend to experience everything through these preconceptions, these fixed ideas, which become the lens through which we experience situations and people. We interpret situations through our fixed views all the time, and we tell ourselves that people don't change and that things will always be the same. And yet, the first noble truth is that everything changes.

[18:35]

But we seem to forget that. And our internal lens can inhibit us from remembering the reality that everything changes. Fixed views are like putting on glasses. Sometimes they might be rose-tinted spectacles, and other times they might be mirrored glasses. But in both cases, our own thoughts are reflected right back to us. Our fixed views are like these lenses. They're lenses through which we are always looking out at the world. And sometimes meditation can be used as a way to hide out from facing on, head on, the discomfort and the pain associated with disconnection and misunderstandings. And it's not always helpful. We can retreat into our minds and hope that eventually the situation might magically go away or perhaps the person will magically disappear. so we don't have to deal with the pain of our own emotional responses. And noticing our fixed views, in fact, acknowledging that we have a lens through which we experience the world and bringing it to our awareness is a good way to create space for something different to happen.

[19:48]

We are all multifaceted beings, co-shaping, co-creating one another like a kaleidoscope. The pieces of our being are all there but how they come together is constantly changing. Because of our fixed views and our fixed ideas, we don't allow the possibility of change, but change is always possible. Generally, we tend to avoid uncomfortable situations where we feel misunderstood and thereby the need to be vulnerable. But courage and vulnerability can empower us to share parts of ourselves we might feel ashamed and embarrassed about. To step into the space that is opened up by asking someone that you've had a misunderstanding with to have a conversation with you takes a lot of courage. When we feel misunderstood, we often feel disturbed and distracted, and it can be hard to focus on anything else. We may want to ignore the person that's hurt us or pretending that we're absolutely fine, and it's so hard to do that when you live in community.

[20:58]

we rub up against each other, we have misunderstandings all the time, and then we go to the zendo and we sit quietly. And so we're not particularly good at facing other people and being with our discomfort and other people's discomfort. And also, when we don't have a calm mind, it's often much harder to practice meditation. And the tendency towards harsh speech becomes much higher as our minds are charged by strong emotions and hindered by negative thoughts. It takes courage to have a conversation where emotions will be expressed. As we might feel anxious and upset and not knowing how the other person will respond also adds to our tension. Yet stepping into vulnerability is where reconnection can happen. It is from this tender place, our soft underbellies, that new understandings can be built and transformation is possible. And you also have to prepare to have one of these conversations.

[21:59]

It doesn't just happen easily. And it definitely won't happen organically. It takes some thought. So stepping into these conversations requires figuring out why we're upset. Sometimes it's very clear to us why we're feeling as we do. But at other times, the emotional response might be so deep or it's been going on for so long that the reason has become obscured. And it's really important to work out what we want to express and what we want the other person to know. And what's a very helpful step in this process is finding someone that you trust and asking them to help you get clarity about your emotions and to help you work out how you want to move forward to try and build connection and understanding with somebody. And the big question is, are you invested in the relationship enough? to have an honest conversation with the person that you're upset with and what do you hope to get out of it?

[23:00]

The value of talking to someone that you trust is that you can talk fully and unskillfully and thoroughly of your experience knowing that the person who's listening is not making judgments about you or the situation or the person that you're talking about or the people that you're talking about. Their job is simply to hold space and bear witness. They are, in essence, a sounding board and they are holding lightly what they are hearing without agreeing or disagreeing. And also, you're not asking for their opinion, nor is it helpful if they express theirs without your invitation because it will just make you feel disconnected from them. When we've expressed our feelings completely to our trusted friend and feel calmer, we're more able to have a different understanding of ourselves and our feelings and our reactions. It's challenging to come to a place of empathy and curiosity when we're upset and angry.

[24:03]

We first need to get the energy out so that we have a clearer head from which to consider our next steps. And once we have a clearer head, it's possible to be curious... about our own reactions and interpretations of the misunderstanding. And then we're able to take responsibility for our part in an interaction. So taking responsibility for our part in an interaction is vital, because until we can see the role that we played in the disconnection, it's really difficult to find a way back to connection. And I want to talk about something that I found very helpful, which is this idea of impact versus intent. So one of the ways of untangling a situation is considering the situation through the lens of impact versus intent. So often, misunderstandings and conflicts arise because of the impact that somebody's words and actions have on us.

[25:09]

But often the impact of their words and actions was not their intent. I'm going to give you a couple of examples just to make this clearer. So a few months ago, we had the terrible fires here in California. And you probably all remember, those of you that were here, the atmosphere was awful and everyone was walking around with masks. And my wife was suffering greatly from the smoke. It was really impacting her. But it wasn't impacting me so much, so I wasn't quite as... attuned to the severity of it. And so at home, my wife asked me to not burn any incense for the time being because the atmosphere was so smoky, which I agreed to. And then I got word from a very close friend of mine that his father was dying in the UK. And I wanted to light some incense because I wanted to honor my friend's father who was in the process of dying. And so I went to our incense cupboard, and I lit the incense.

[26:11]

I offered the incense, and I just kind of brought my friend's father into my kind of energy. And then I heard my wife coughing in the other room, and she comes into where I was, and she said, did you light some incense? And I said, yes. And she said, I thought that we'd agreed not to light incense during all this horrible smoke, and I was like, oh... I totally forgot. Because in that moment, what was most important, what felt my need was to honor my friend's father. And I completely forgot that we had agreed that I wouldn't light incense. And so that's such a wonderful example of impact versus intent. So the impact on Sally was quite severe. It kind of set her back a bit. But my intent was to honor my friend's father. So when we got to talk about the situation using the lens of impact versus intent, it just kind of took the personal out of it. And another quick example was somebody was telling me this anecdote yesterday about how they were in a meeting together, in a board meeting, and this person had just made a presentation and the presentation had gone well and her co-worker looked at her across the...

[27:30]

table and smiled at her and so this woman did this and he was so offended it turned out that it ended up being a huge conflict between them and a big disconnection so when we talked about it and we unpacked it and I was able to ask him what was going on for him when this happened he said it felt so disrespectful like I couldn't believe that she would do that in a board meeting it felt so disrespectful and I asked the woman so what was the reason that you did that and she said I was trying to connect with you. You smiled at me. I thought you were saying to me, good job. You did a great job in that presentation. And so I just did this to be playful. And for them realizing that that was how the disconnection happened, that her intent was to be playful with him. The impact on him was that it felt completely disrespectful and it broke down their relationship. So once we were able to talk about it through the lens of impact versus intent, it really made a huge difference to their connection.

[28:33]

Actually, they were able to kind of find a way back to having a relationship. So often, as I've just explained, often misunderstandings and conflicts arise because of the impact of somebody's words and actions have on us, but that's often not their intent. So sometimes, you know, maybe even some of you right now can bring up some situations in your mind where you might feel really disconnected from someone. And if you think about it through the lens of impact versus intent, it might make it a little less personal. So if we can find the space to be curious about somebody's intent and separate it from the impact, it can give us the space to understand our anger and hurt from a different perspective and also becomes less personal. So sometimes what started as a misunderstanding that wasn't acknowledged or perhaps brushed under the carpet can lead to a much larger and more painful rupture in the relationship.

[29:34]

If the understanding can be talked about with courage and vulnerability, it is sometimes possible to build connection. And timing is key to the success of having a vulnerable and courageous conversation. If we still want to blame somebody, if we're angry and hurt still, it's not the time to have a conversation. Also, it's not good timing if we still want to be right. So in essence, you have to be in a curious frame of mind, ready to hear what the other person or the other people have to say. And it really helps to let go of the outcome. So one way that you could do this is you could approach the person and ask them, if you can meet with them to talk about something that's happened between you. Or on the other hand, you can just say that there's something on your mind that you'd like to discuss with them and then arrange a time and a place to meet. But only have the meeting if you're prepared to listen as well as to speak.

[30:35]

And in fact, the most important aspect of having a successful outcome is the willingness to listen. Speaking about your experience has to come second. Because until somebody feels heard and understood for their experience, it is often impossible for them to be open enough to hear your experience. In other words, there's a conflict of needs in that moment because both people want to be heard and understood. And when we feel heard and understood, our hearts open, and from that place, connection is possible. So, in closing... I want to just point out that assumptions are 99% wrong. So be aware when you have them because they will probably get in the way and they will be clouding your thoughts. So assumptions are a perfect example of a lens through which we are seeing a person or a situation. Once you start becoming aware of your assumptions, you'll start realizing that you're making them.

[31:40]

all the time. And that's what we do as human beings. We just make assumptions. But I'm just saying, be aware that you're making assumptions and that probably the assumptions you're making are incorrect. Often assumptions can be the underlying cause for misunderstanding. And it's helpful to realize that we're making them. And also it's really helpful to check them out. If you have a relationship with someone and you feel like you're making assumptions about them, or actually perhaps them, you feel like they're making assumptions about you and It's really helpful just to say, can I check out something with you? And so this is why I'm talking about courage and vulnerability, because to approach someone, even to check out an assumption that you feel like they might be having about you, takes a certain amount of courage. So the other thing that I want to say in closing is that remember that each person's experience is valid because it's their own. And you may never have a shared understanding of how a situation unfolded. but that doesn't mean that you can't find your way back to connection if the relationship is worth it to you.

[32:47]

So I urge you to be more curious than afraid and encourage you to risk stepping into vulnerability in the hopes that broken bonds can be repaired. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[33:27]

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