This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. is a Zen priest, and she's the guiding teacher of Still Reading Meditation Center in East Oakland. And she recently, well, she was initially a date by a senior Dharma teacher at San Francisco Zen Center, and recently received her own transmission as a full-fledged teacher, a sensei in the tradition with Victoria Austin. And she's also an art artist, an author, visual artist, author, and a drawer.

[01:00]

And she has written two books. One of them is Tell Me Something About Buddhism, and another one that was recently released last spring, The Way of Tenderness, Awakening Through Race, Sexuality, and Gender. And she has also contributed to many other books and magazines as well. So welcome, Zenji, to have you here. You told me a little bit earlier today that you struggled with the cold on me, so thank you for braving the cold as well as the Super Bowl champion. Thank you. Thank you. So welcome to everyone here. How many are you today to be upset with your first time? Welcome. We'd love to have you guys going here. Everybody else is an expert. This talk is for the experts.

[02:01]

Anyway, I'd like to begin by just breathing, getting out there, breathing out back to this place, into your body, so that your body is from the top, not just your head. So let's begin by just breathing deeply in. And when you do, exhale, extend your belly, and then exhale through your chest. So you're breathing in, extending the belly. Usually we kind of squeeze it in, but we extend it and exhale through your belly. So you're breathing in, extending the belly, and then breathing out. If you can continue that pattern, it will assist you.

[03:05]

It's just in the moment, because the talk is still, meditation is still zazen. Hello, everybody over there. And Sarah. Perfect. Okay. All right. Okay. So, in this book, Moon and a Dew Drop, writings of Master Ehe Dogen. There's a sentence in there that really, it's actually a poem too, that really drew me in this week when I was looking through the book. And it said, the entire universe is your own true body. The entire universe is your own true body. It might not make any sense to you yet. But we might wonder in your mind, if you're still there, how is that?

[04:06]

That the entire universe is your own true body. And this body is not a temporary body like the one we have. So kind of grasping onto this quote, with this body, this mind, will be difficult. But it's a question that you can still ask. The universe is your own true body. How is that? How is that? And so as always in my practice, there's always questions. From the beginning, there was always questions. When I studied As a Christian, it was always questions, you know, about why, why, what, what, why, why. I even debated with a minister when I was like 10 years old. I stood up and debated about what I read in the Bible.

[05:08]

And they were like, oh my God, what was she doing? You know, as opposed to debate with him. But I had questions. And just like this one, how is that, that our own true body is the entire, entire universe. That's pretty big, the entire universe. Now what does that feel like? What does that mean? So often Buddhist teachings are in ancient times. We're taught either through koans, which is a question, asking a question that you would live with, an inquiry that you would live with about life. So the questions never had any answers. So it could be very frustrating to be a practitioner and not have an answer to your question. So even though I'm gonna talk today, I may not have an answer to your question. But it is a koan. And the other way a lot of ancient teachings are taught is through poetry and through poem.

[06:15]

And of course, I gravitated to the poetry being someone who started writing poetry at the age of eight as a way to communicate to my mother about what was going on in my life. And I would write these poems and then hold sessions with her. Time for a session. Here's a couple of poems I need to read to you. And she would sit and listen diligently, even though she had to cook dinner. She had to stop and she would stop and listen to these poems. from me. And I enjoyed having that time with her and sometimes she would laugh and sometimes she would cry. You know, we would have these moments together. So anyway, I thought to bring a poem to you and I'm going to try to read it very slowly, some of it, and I may not get through all of it. I'm going to be very slow because there is translation going on and I want to honor that.

[07:20]

So this poem was written sort of in a stream of consciousness during the ceremonies, during Dharma transmission, which is to a process and a ceremony in which you are honoring all the Zen ancestors, your own ancestors, and you are becoming a part of a lineage. So in this poem, Coming to, you see many people in brown robes, they have done the ceremony in honoring the lineage and lineages and coming to being a teacher, you know, to teach the teachings. And it doesn't happen overnight. It's just like, as you can see, when we come in, we don't just come and sit down and start talking. You know, there's a lot of honoring and offering to the ancestors and bowing to the ancestors and making note and acknowledgement that it's not you doing all of this, and it's not you alone that have brought yourself to this place.

[08:34]

It's not me alone that has brought myself to this seat. So as I was... Going through the ceremonies, I began to wake up to many things in the bowing. And if you've been to many things at Zen Center, there's a lot of bowing. And so let's see what that's about, too. And if you're the universe, why is the universe bowing so much to everything and everyone? So let's talk about that a little bit. So I have a question, actually, and a poem. So we had two questions. We had the entire universe. is your own true body. And how is that? And then the next question is, and I'd like you to put your hand over your heart when I say this, and we're going to repeat this together. Who is this? Who is this but a source of light that is beaming from 10,000 years ago?

[09:36]

So say it again like, what? What? Who is this but a source of light that is beaming from 10,000 years ago? And that question was in the end of the ceremony, my question. So how is it that we're the universe? And what is this source of light? So the poem I wrote is called We Are the Original Light. And it's totally influenced by this book, Moon in a Dew Drop. And those who have studied this book will hear some of the essence of this Dogen study and writings and teachings. So I'm going to do it slowly, and I'm also going to stop and talk. And we might not get to all of it, but we will get to some of it. And what I'd like you to do is use that breath that I introduced you to in the beginning where you're breathing in.

[10:38]

and pushing your belly out and then breathing out through your chest. Because this poem is not about the words. It's about instilling something into you and to awaken you to something. So you may not get all the words, but I'm hoping that the feeling will come through you in the way that it did for me during the ceremonies. So we are the original light. That is the name. We are the original light. Face to face, the light is true. Face to face, the light is true. We are intimately illuminated. This is the ancient Dharma eye. This is the ancient Dharma face. that has come upon us through the light of ancient Buddhas in each eye and in each face.

[11:49]

Transmission complete from the first body of awakening. Transmission complete from the first body of awakening. From an old exhale, our breath has never been cut. the Bodhi Pashikas, don't worry about it, are rooted in each pore. The Bodhi Pashikas are rooted in each pore in numbers greater than eight pagodas. The awakening path from one Buddha body to the next, lighting up the darkness of one Bodhi mind, one Buddha face, and into each face into each eye, into each body, the light has been transmitted.

[12:53]

Our Buddha radiance shared inside the marrow of our bones. That's just the first stanza. This is a three-page poem, so I won't be reading it all. I want to stop there. Transmission complete from the first body of awakening. So it's telling us that from the beginning, before our birth, before we're even born, that we are awakened with this light. So we're coming from a dark place, and when we are born, we wake up, and the light shows us the earth. It shows us the sky. It shows us the trees. It shows us everything. And so in honoring ancestors, in honoring Buddha, we're honoring in each of ourselves, you know, the Buddha eye and the Buddha face. And we're honoring the light in awakening.

[13:56]

So some of us go searching for light. We go, you know, around searching for that light someplace else. When right next to you is the source of awakening, light, sitting right next to you right now. It's the source of awakened light. Now, we might turn to each other and try to beam it in, but it won't work because that will come from our minds. That light comes from our minds when we try to, let me give you a little light. It will, it doesn't work. Unfortunately. But if you could trust that just as you are, just as you are right now, Is the light, the source of light who you are right now? Is the awakened light. Who is this but a source of light that is beaming from 10,000 years ago? Years ago. More than 10,000 years ago.

[14:59]

Who is this light? And do you trust this light? So when we are practicing meditation and meditation, coming to the Dharma, we're coming to practice and to cultivate this light. We're coming to bring it. Many of us are coming to, I need to get calm, that's fine. I need to get centered, that's fine. I need to have a home, that's fine. I need community, and that's fine. I need a teacher, that's fine. I need somewhere to go, all that's fine. But deep down, The search is trying to find that light that's already inside you. That that source of light is the practice that we're cultivating when we're sitting. We're cultivating this light in each other so that we can share it with each other. When we're together, we can just know that it's there. There's many, many words and many, many practices that talk about similar things

[16:06]

about being connected and sharing our hearts and things like that. But long ago, before even the one Buddha, before even the one Buddha that we talk about, this light existed. This source of light existed. And so in each eye, in each face, transmission complete from the first body of awakening. So then why all the ceremony and all this and that? Because it's to remind us. For me, it was to remind myself. The many, many vows to remind myself I did not get here at all alone. And we go to many, many altars honoring those who came before who helped me be here today, including my mother and my father. Now, they didn't have to be perfect people

[17:07]

We're talking about the portals in which they came and the sacred place people that was provided for me to come to this moment right here in this time. So, on the first day of this earth, this is another part of the poem, on the first day of this earth, before our birth, we have attain such awakening. And there is never an end to such awakening. Awakened ancestors beg us to enter mud and water. Mud and water. Dogen said that. I didn't make that up. Ancestors beg us to enter the mud and water to realize the fruit and to be awakened. to the awakening that occurred in infinite time, even before one Buddha.

[18:14]

To be in the presence of this light, reflected eye to eye, face to face, body to body, is to see great ones from ancient times, to see them eye to eye, face to face, face, body to body, even though they do not stand before us, even though they do not stand before us, before you. The path is lit. See the awakened one standing at the gate. To be present is reflected eye to eye, face to face, body to body, is to see the great ones from ancient times. So you want to know who was here 10,000 years ago? Look around. Right here in the room.

[19:16]

Look, who was here 10,000 years ago? You are the source of that. It's right here. That's who was here 10,000 years ago. Right here. Amazing, isn't it? Amazing to extend... our mind, our heart to that kind of expansion. To know that we can actually see those through each other that were here before. You want to know what my mother looked like? She's gone. You can't see her, but you can. If you want to know what her hands look like, come look at my hand later on. This is what her hands look like. While she was sitting listening to the poetry I read to her, her hands look like this. A lot shade lighter than me, but this is what her hand looked like. So when you, a lot of us have different positions in Zen Center, and some of those involve bowing, some of them involve offering.

[20:33]

flowers, offering incense. And some of us, like, I wish I could get up there and offer some incense, but I can't because I'm not a priest. But you are offering other things. When we have the bell, you offer the bell. When you have the makugyo, you're offering the makugyo. When whoever did the dencho just now offered the dencho. So every moment we're offering something to these awakened ones that came before us. And we're talking about light, awakened light. So that doesn't mean, are we offering it to perfect people? Do they have to be perfect to be awakened? Is that what we're offering to? Okay, I don't think they were perfect. I don't think I'm going to offer anything. I don't think I'm going to bow. I don't think I want to, you know, I mean, I was that way a little bit when I first started in practice. I started in Nishran, which is Japanese, and I was like, why is everybody bowing all the time? And it was very difficult for me, coming from a background based in being African, you know, African descent, to bow so much, because it reminded me of the old day when...

[21:48]

Africans and enslaved Africans had to bow. So I was like, well, we don't bow anymore. And we look people in the eye. We have to learn to do that. We have to learn to stop bowing. So to look away, that was conscious. My mother always said, you don't have to say yes, ma'am. She didn't want me to, even though it was a southern way, because she knew it was connected to something very old, you know, about... people of color, especially black people. So bowing was very difficult in the beginning for me. And so I remember wondering, I never asked that, why so much bowing? I just did it. I went on and bowed along with everyone else because I always want to blend in. I don't want to stand out too much. So I did do it. I did bow. And it was very important for me to continue to do it until I understood what it meant.

[22:53]

And I would say about 10 years later, I realized what bowing was. I kept bowing for 10 years and just kept bowing and bowing and bowing and bowing until the bowing was a way of being, a way of interrelating with, to fellow practitioners, a way of honoring the teachings and honoring the ancestors. And so I kept bowing. And now I'm that bowing, and I've always felt it even after 10 years, it was bowing to that light, to that awakened light in each of us. And so it was important for me to continue until I could feel that own source of light within me So it really wasn't about who I was bowing to and when I was bowing. It was more about that cultivating inside my own self, that awakened light, that awakened source of light.

[23:54]

And it really transformed and revolutionized the way I felt bowing was when I first walked into the temple. It was, oh, now it's something different. And I find myself, later on, I had been at Zen Center so long, and I went somewhere, and people would come up to me, and I would bow. It had gotten so ingrained inside from being at Zen Center. And I was like, well, this is very interesting, and people would bow back. You know, what they would... I kind of wonder, you know, what was that all about, you know? But I, it was inside me, without a meaning in my head. It was just inside my body. And so, like, when we bow, like, we could do it now. Everybody put your hands, palms together, and God show, and just bow like this.

[25:02]

And stay there for a while, just stay. Don't bounce back up. We don't like that too long, right? Stay there very long, very long, very long until something comes up out of you that's never come up out of you before. Just stay there. And notice how you want to come back up very quickly. You're done. Just notice that. And notice when you want to stay. Just notice this. posture so simple of a gesture of the light within all of us. Okay. We can come back up now. When you're feeling angst or you feel someone's hurt you badly or troubled by inner actions, when

[26:04]

Bow. Bow. If you're somewhere where it looked strange, if you did, you're on the bus trying to get off, and someone's in your way, do it in the inside. Just inside you, just bow. Just do it. Just like an inner bow. It just takes away something. You'll see. I'm not going to say what, because it may be different for you. It may bring something to you. rather than take away something. Okay. Another part of the poem. And when you enter and greet the ancestors who lit your face before they knew of you, Do not run in fear of the light.

[27:07]

Do not run in fear of yourself. Bow formally to the awakened ancestors, being the bow, being the light transmitted, being liberated from all that hinders you. For you received this light at birth. And upon your birth, The sky and the earth took shape. Trees came into view. You smelled gardenias, heard the wings of hummingbirds, tasted honey, and winked with the eye of an awakened one. If you have not seen an awakened one, then how can you be the heir of such light that has been transmitted aeons ago?

[28:17]

How can you be an heir, be part of a lineage, when you're not seeing the source of light? The source of light and the source of light. Thousands of years have passed since the death of light ancestors, and yet it is still possible to see them, to offer incense, flowers, food, to bow formally to them, to ring a bell or blow a whistle made from the bone of a bald eagle, which I did in my ceremony. I have a whistle I made. It was given to me to make a whistle, a bone from an eagle, because I'm part of a community, a Sundance Lakota community. And I made a whistle from one of the bones, and in the shrill of the bone is the shrill of the eagle. When you blow it, you hear the eagle shrill in the bone.

[29:21]

And so that's why I added that to this, because it's, how can a bone from the eagle sound like the eagle? who's already gone, who's already died. But when you blow it, you hear it. And maybe some of you have had that experience with other things that come alive, that are gone. So that is what this bone of a bald eagle, blowing that whistle is about. Upon the first time of seeing the ancestors. Realize that you have received the transmission from the beginning of time. Offer incense, flowers, food, and bow deeply. Now will you practice. Learn how to reflect the light of old.

[30:23]

10,000. 20,000, 30,000 years ago. Learn how to reflect the light of old. There is no lack of awakening. And so this everlasting light has been entrusted to you. So this is a voice I heard. It's like, oh, this everlasting light has been entrusted to me. So to you as well. Will you cultivate this inheritance? Will you cultivate this inheritance? The light is as old as the source of all life, not just humans, all life. Are you ready for illumination a billion times magnified? Are you ready for illumination a billion times magnified? If you cannot comprehend this, then lose your mind.

[31:28]

If you cannot embody it, then lose your mind. Don't be afraid of the light that you have inherited from Buddha's past until now. From Buddha's past, this light has been held. To know this light is realization. Investigate the moment you were awakened. See the ancient awakened eye in this eye. See the ancient awakened face in this face. If we understand such illumination, there is nothing missing. There is nothing missing. And so I invite you to go back as far as you can. of all the people and all things in your life that have gotten you to this place, that got you in this door here at Zen Center.

[32:36]

These things aren't only good things. These things are only bad things. It's everything that has, and everyone that has cultivated the light in you, this light, whether you feel that light or not. your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your cousin, anybody, your teachers. When I set up all the altars to all the things and people that cultivated the light in me, it were 10 altars. It was amazing. Stretched across my house to see and to see the faces of the people that I decided who I felt were showing me the light inside me. And I think at times when we're feeling that it's only our lives, only us, only ourselves, that that's the time when you begin to offer the flowers and the incense to those who do not stand before you. To offer, it may be a teacher, it may be a kindergarten teacher.

[33:45]

It may have been someone that actually hurt you. And then later, the hurt transformed into something else. It brought you someplace else. It opened the door to something else. So we're not always going around looking for that thing, the thing we're supposed to offer, the flowers. Not always looking for the flowers in our lives, but just embracing all of it, all of the things, and all of the people, And even though there's suffering in that, you know, there's suffering there in those places, there's also this incredible bowing to and acknowledgement of the awakened ones, even before the one Buddha, even before the one Buddha, the source of light. And when I read that line in this book about opening, you know, being born, and then all of a sudden when you're born, the earth and the sky, it was all complete, the earth and the sky,

[34:54]

was complete. And you're like, how is that? How is that? And sometimes we feel like, well, I came into the world and all of this mess was here. And there's some good stuff here too. But when you came in, you opened your eyes in the light and you saw these things. You saw these things. And your eyes will close and these things will not be anymore. Will not be anymore. So it's from the light and the source of light. Very hard to talk about, very hard to discuss or prove. There's no proof other than your own life, you know, other than your own cultivating and practice. So I would like to encourage you to continue cultivating the light that you have inherited, you know. And I see it in every one of you.

[35:57]

Sometimes when I have to do a talk, it's usually the first answer is no, really, in my mind. And then it turns to a yes because I always remember looking into the eyes of everybody. And it's very beautiful. It's a very beautiful place. I feel very fortunate to be here and to be able to do this. So I thank you for listening to the words from me that you may have already known. that's already inside you, thank you for allowing me to express it for you at this time. I will finish this poem, I will read this poem completely. in the dining room after this talk so that you could feel the whole experience of where I am wanting to bring us in together.

[37:00]

And if you want to hear more of it, I'm just going to read it straight through. Can I take one question? Okay. I'll take one question, maybe two. I had an opportunity to read an excerpt of your book. Okay. Could you speak up to me? I had an opportunity to read an excerpt of your book that you post on and it talked about your experiences and business and shapes and colors and all those things that a lot of times when these spaces are not packed up. And also we spoke about how looks and affected your community here now.

[38:05]

So my question is, as a woman of various parts of the aspect and various parts of kind of activities of Irish and Asian descent, sometimes Could you speak a little bit about that definition and how that happens? Because I don't even know where they come from. So it's a very complex question. She's asking about the isms and our kind of relative body. And I've been talking about light body, you know, absolute, you know, light. And so it's good you bring that up. And so that there is the relative absolute truth. There's a relative absolute truth in which there is a...

[39:06]

a process and a path, and I call it a path of enlightenment, in which I had to look at my relative body, you know, color, race, sexuality, gender, looking at the relative body, and I began to look at them as gateways. And when I began to look at those as gateways to enlightenment, I was able to take the relative path to understanding the absolute. I would never have gotten to this piece without having gone through the many places I had to go through, the many doors to go through that bring up suffering. So your other question about the transmission of of an oracle. I had an oracle come through to me. Some people know, some people don't know about that. And it was a very kind of fantastic thing that happened to me. It said, like, these only happen on TV.

[40:07]

And so I was very nervous about it. But it did happen to me, and people had to verify it for me. And it was a very big event, and it happened right before I came to Zen Center. And I started practicing with this dreaming and lucid spiritual dream, which I do see Buddha as a lucid spiritual dreamer. That's my own personal perspective. It's not taught this way. My own personal perspective that he was on a vision quest and that he was sitting out in the woods and taught to be able to sit out there for long enough to receive teachings. And he does talk about four lucid dreams that he had, of which the four noble truths came from. And there are four dreams, so if you want to study that, it's in the, I think it's Living Buddha, I think it's the book, Namamoli Bodhi, The Living Life of Buddha, I don't know if I have that title right, but he talks about the different trees he sits under and what comes out of it in the four lucid dreams.

[41:16]

So he did have, he was a lucid dreamer. I don't know where it comes from, just like I don't know where the source of light comes from. You know, I can't answer that question. And I think if I could answer that question, then I wouldn't be talking about the very thing you're asking me about. Because then it would be concretized in a relative sense when it was a very absolute experience beyond this body, beyond this body. So we all know that there's things like that, you know. And... And we don't even have to ascribe to a belief in it or not. That's up to individuals if they want to hold that. So it's not something I am saying you should ascribe to. But that's the best way I could answer that. And then we're gonna have more questions in the back. And this talk today, it totally comes and springs up from the 21, 22, 23 days of ceremony to becoming full sensei.

[42:19]

And what I had to go through, and oddly enough, I started out with this kind of sickness I have right now. I had that too when it began, so it's kind of interesting to end with the same kind of feeling in my body. So I feel like something's being shifted in me. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[43:04]

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